We’re finally done with Bachelor Pad. Well, in theory anyway. I’m certain that the parade of publicity that inevitably follows in the wake of a Bachelor-type finale will continue for a while. I have to confess that I opted to forgo my usual routine of secluding myself in my writer’s lair (that’s what I call my living room on Monday nights) and pecking away at the keyboard until all hours of the night in order to venture out and meet a soon-to-be-named B-Pad insider for some juicy scoop. That made for a long night and, frankly, I’m cranky. Nonetheless, I will press on—a tortured soul--for the sake of my art. Now, I just need to figure out what body part to cut off and to whom to mail it when I’m done.
As always, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on the blog this season. We were forced to endure some pretty horrible ABC programming and I hope that this blog somehow made the sacrifice of watching it a little more bearable. We’ve got about 3 months of down time now and I realize that some of you will take that time to fill your Monday nights with football and other important things in your respective lives. I will continue to post on Tuesdays and will keep you all posted via this site and my Facebook page with what to expect. If you plan to check out for a few months, please at least visit me once or twice. I get lonely sometimes. With that said, let’s get to it.
We begin the episode with ABC’s latest effort at shameless cross-promotion by being reminded that the final contestants will set the dance floor afire by being forced to don ridiculous outfits and perform various ballroom dances on national television. Pretty soon the entire network is going to morph into offering one big variety show like the Mandrell sisters had in the 80’s. I sighed. By the way, even though Barbara was the most talented of the Mandrell sisters, I always had a crush on Louise. Most people would say that Irlene was the hot one, but she couldn’t sing or play any instruments. Yes, Louise was the hottest. Annnnyyyyhoooo . . . Because it’s a finale show, Harrison shows up early and let’s us know via one of his typical, scripted overstatements that “something big is about to take place.” I sighed again.
We cut to the after-the-rose pre-drinking binge pow wow as Angry Dave (jackass) tells us that it’s now down to the “Super 6.” Actually, he might have said “Stupid 6” but I wasn’t paying close attention. Angry Dave reiterates his secret homosexual pact with Kovacs as visions of long, silent, hand-holding walks down the beach on Fire Island and meaningful glances exchanged as he and Kovacs sip sangria and watch the whales frolic in the ocean from the balcony of their upper deck cruise ship suite on an Alaskan cruise liner dance through his head. Jackass. Natalie drops a “pacts are bulls*it” and I smiled at the silliness of it all. Everyone “makes a cheers” and goes to bed in anticipation of winning the cash.
After the obligatory sleepy eyes and bed head kitchen scene, Harrison shows up in blue linen and khakis looking well-rested and ready to roll. He’s all business in these shows. 250 grand is his yearly bar bill at the local strip club, but he’s a professional and knows how to act like it’s a ton of cash. After all, it’s the “most important competition” to date and the winning couple gets a pass into the final ceremony where they will be judged by their bitter, ax grinding peers in an effort to secure the 250 large. Harrison tells us that the purpose of the test is both physical and mental and with a grin bigger than his home town of Dallas (yes, Harrison is a Texan), announces that ballroom dancing is on the agenda.
Angry Dave looks—well, angry (jackass) and Tenley does her best to hide the wonderful explosion of head to toe joy bouncing around in her magical body. Kovacs looks defeated, pissed, and was so over Elizabeth at that point I actually felt sorry for the guy. Kiptyn doesn’t “dance around the house.” Who does besides Tenley? Tenely has had ballet, jazz, and tap and is confident of her foundation and Elizabeth laments the wasted days of her youth before her skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship. She pretends like spending the next six hours locked in a dance studio with Kovacs will be good for their relationship. Fat chance.
Limos arrive and spirit the quarter million dollar hopefuls away for their lessons. Tenley giggles, Natalie and Angry Dave (jackass) talk strategy. Keeping it classy is always a good idea but apparently not an option as Kovacs moves in for a mansion-to-studio romp before the limo door is even closed. Elizabeth provides some foreshadowing as she hopes that they don’t get a female dance instructor as the guys in the production van hit the mute button on their mikes and laughed hysterically.
Upon arrival, Tenley squeals like a stuck pig when she lays eyes upon her instructor, Chelsea Hightower. You’ll have to forgive me for not knowing who the f*ck any of these people are. I’m unmarried and straight. Ergo, I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars. Elizabeth, upon laying eyes on Edyta turns into a jealous mess of bad hair as she laments the wasted days of her youth before her skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship. Angry Dave meets Louis Van Something and does a nice job containing his desire to kill him for being as queer as a Mexican tablecloth. Jackass.
Kovacs and Elizabeth learn that they will be rumba-ing the rumba and Kovacs falls instantly in love with Edyta and her skimpy black “dress.” The Russian accent didn’t hurt either. I will admit that she was ridiculously hot and I empathized with his dilemma. At that point, Elizabeth was nothing more than a buzz kill, but hey, he made his bed, right? To be fair to Kovacs, I’ll see if I can explain what a man in his dancing shoes was feeling. How do I put it in woman terms? Seeing Edyta evokes the same feeling in a man as when women see Brad Pitt and his blonde locks ride up on his horse after corralling the stampeding herd in Legends of the Fall or, for the younger readers, seeing Robert Pattison incessantly brood and sparkle in those stupid vampire movies. You get the picture. Flutter, flutter, swoon, swoon. Now picture Brad or Robert coming over to you in order to teach you the rumba only to look next to you and see some dolt you’ve been planning on dumping looking at you like a lost puppy. For Kovacs, it was--in a word--brutal. Elizabeth laments the wasted days of her youth before her skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship.
In the meantime, Tenley and Kiptyn are having a simply fabulous time learning the foxtrot despite having difficulty keeping Tenley from floating away like Peter Pan. Angry Dave (jackass) wrestles with his homophobia and Natalie puts socks on her elbows in order to buck up and learn the Cha Cha. Elizabeth continues to melt down as Edyta crawls all over Kovacs like the crabs in Natalie’s bed sheets.
Eventually, Tenley gives Kiptyn a chance to “take the reins” of her magical dancing sleigh and lead her around the floor. By the way, why did Chelsea what’s her name actually have to tell Kiptyn it was ok to take the lead? Am I freaking crazy or is it just guys in Texas that grow up learning to lead a lady around the dance floor? Who doesn’t know how to freaking dance, for crying out loud? I’m not talking about the rumba, the cha cha, or the foxtrot, but any guy who grew up in Texas knows that learning at a bare minimum how to two step is like learning how to ride a bike. Awestruck, I took a big pull off of my Lone Star beer bottle and shook my head as Kiptyn fumbled around Tenley’s giggly waist as if he was looking for a handle. She’s a pretty girl, not a vacuum cleaner, Kiptyn. Put the surfboard and minoxidil down for a bit and take some dance lessons. Oh, the humanity!
Dave gets angry (jackass) and Natalie—despite the socks on her arms—is just not getting the Cha Cha. The gay guy compares the Cha Cha to having sex in the mansion in order to get Natalie’s attention. At least he knew what language she spoke. Natalie tells the camera that she and Dave (jackass) are “sexual, aggressive people” and is confident that she can perform the head toss because she and Dave (jackass) are used to those types of positions. God bless her poor father. I wonder if he’s aware that he raised a slut.
We see more of Edyta’s phenomenal teaching skills and wonder if Elizabeth plans to shank her in the jugular between takes. Kovacs pushes past his priapism in order to focus. Kiptyn and Tenley realize that they need to win and it becomes clear that despite my constant haranguing, they make a good team. I suppose the same is true for Natalie and Angry Dave. He’s still a jackass. Kovacs inexplicably tells the camera that he’s “been working so hard” over the past few weeks in order to get to the final. I suppose he’s right about the “so hard” part and perhaps Elizabeth would agree. Drinking and screwing can be hard . . . I guess. In the meantime, Elizabeth laments the wasted days of her youth before her skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship.
Wardrobe selection happens and I took boyish delight in seeing what Angry Dave (jackass) was forced to wear if he wanted any shot at the moola. I’ll get to him in a minute. Natalie wore some pink and white thing that showed off a lot of her things. She looked like a really slutty, gay yak. She’s no Louis St. Whoever, but she rocked it. Kovacs dressed up like Tom Jones and continued to turn into Nick Lachey. Kiptyn—of course—wore a princely tuxedo in order to compliment the gorgeous and elegant yet not overstated purple gown that Tenley selected. She probably has one at home that she lounges in after dusting her crystal figurine collection. Elizabeth wore her own version of Cha Cha DeGregorio’s prom dress and lamented the wasted days of her youth before her skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship.
Angry Dave’s outfit gets its own paragraph. Jackass. He sported a black, sequined jumpsuit opened up just past the tip of his pee pee. I smiled with joy as I pictured the homosexual panic undoubtedly going on between his ears. That thing was G.A.Y. gay. Seriously, it was so flamboyant that Liberace wouldn’t wear it. It was so gay that Melissa Etheridge tried to marry it. It looked like something Anderson Cooper would wear to jazzercise. I mean that thing was super gay. The shaved torso and carefully sculpted and moussed Caesar cut completed the look. All he needed was a mustache. What. A. Jack. Ass.
Upon seeing Dave in his Elton John back up dancer outfit, Harrison fights back the urge to laugh hysterically as he tells the contestants that they will be judged on performance, chemistry, and effort before announcing the most predicable set of “judges” in history. We see why Rycroft-Strickland (did she mention she’s married and pregnant?) has been gainfully employed doing nothing for the past five weeks. Of course, Trista shows up (did she mention she married Ryan after finding love on ABC and now has a bunch of kids?). And then there’s the Douchebag from Denton.
Normally, I don’t delight in other people’s failures, but Jake’s are an exception for me. He was such an arrogant, condescending, a-hole before, during, and after his season that I felt happy when he awkwardly appeared to a smattering of forced applause. He looked about as uncomfortable as Vienna’s lazy eye at an optometrist’s office and I loved it. Jackass. Jake lamented the wasted days of his youth before his skin and hair were ravished by the sun like a young boy on a pirate ship. He wishes he was a young boy on a pirate ship.
Harrison lets everyone know that they will be scored on a scale from 1 to 10. Elizabeth and Natalie were excited to hear that because they are both normally somewhere between a 6 and a 9.
You know, sometimes I make myself laugh. That last joke was one of those times.
Kiptyn and Tenley go first and despite Kiptyn looking like he was stomping grapes in Kovacs’ winery instead of dancing, did really well. They get 26 generous points. Kovacs and Elizabeth are next and were literally unwatchable. Rumba shmumba. She’s the worst dancer at St. Bachelorettes . . . with the worst reputation. They got a sympathetic 24 points. Appropriately, Angry Dave “brings up the rear” in his outfit as he and Natalie attempt the cha cha to some music the producers stole from the lobby of the W Hotel. They actually did well, but fell one point short of victory with a 25. Beating Tenley at ballroom dancing is like beating her at giggling. It can’t happen.
Kiptyn is pleased he got to win AND not look gay doing it. Tenley and Kiptyn skip back to the mansion as she leaves a trail of sparkly fairy dust for the others to follow. Angry Dave (jackass) and Kovacs pour over their loss as disappointment fills the air. After all, 250 grand would have paid for a lot of laser chest hair removal treatments. For some reason, they didn’t take off their ridiculous costumes. Perhaps they both found them oddly comfortable. Hmmmm.
Elizabeth looks annoyed as Tenley and Kiptyn giggle. Kovacs just looked annoyed. Elizabeth prays that Kovacs’ outfit chaffed him in his nether regions as she begs for time “to lick our wounds.” Natalie retires to the study in the mansion with a copy of Moby Dick. She likes that book not because she’s a Melville fan but because it has the word “dick” in it. Come to think of it, there’s a pirate ship in it too.
Harrison shows up in a grey coat and tie with a gray shirt and black vest. His color scheme is a harbinger of bad news. “Ding, ding, ding,” quoth the ubiquitous champagne flute and fork, nevermore. Harrison gives everyone their eviction papers from the mansion and the stress begins. Kiptyn and Tenley have the power, Harrison tells us, and the decision will be made momentarily.
Elizabeth continues the delusion that in the context of this show that love is more important than money. Kiptyn and Tenley stress over sending “good friends” home. Incidentally, these are the same “friends” who would have booted them to the curb with no questions asked if Angry Dave (jackass) and his costume would have cha cha-ed into the lead. Angry Dave, content with his performance up to this point, wonders if fate will have a hand in the night’s decision. Apparently, he’s a Calvinist in addition to being a jackass. Interesting.
Natalie pretends that she and Angry Dave (jackass) plan on moving to the same city and downplays her lie to Tenley last week. Kiptyn hears Kovacs plea for leniency and Natalie works on Tenley. Ultimately, Kiptyn and Tenley pick Angry Dave and Natalie to accompany them to the final. Frankly, I was surprised, but what the hell do I know? Elizabeth is bummed, but still delusional. Kovacs begins plotting how to rid himself of the crazy girl and they both hit their limos for the long ride to the airport as we head into the big, live finale where the former housemates will vote for the winning couple and a big twist will be revealed.
Without tipping my hand, I have a big night ahead of me tonight. It involves some Lone Star beers with a certain person associated with this show and plans to be both juicy and revealing. With that in mind, you’ll have to trust me that I’ll deliver the goods on Thursday when I’ll post my recap of the final show along with my good inside dirt. Hint? Let’s just say that Austin, Texas is a small town.
Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading and responding all season. Please take care of yourselves, check back for my Thursday post, and PLEASE stay in touch. Until Thursday, if you need me, I’ll be getting fitted for my cha cha costume. DP