Hello, Readers. Welcome back to this week’s installment of the most (insert gasp-inspiring adjective) season of The Bachelorette ever. Incidentally, I had a rare internal conflict about the title of this post. It was either the current, semi-tasteful title or “Help Me Mawashi My Balls.” I'm confident I chose correctly.
A few thoughts before we talk about Kupah’s Supah Dupah schizophrenic temper tantrum.
1. The White Jeans Hypothesis. GOOD. LORD. Like a collective bunch of Queen Gertrudes, all of you doth protest too much, methinks. For those of you who missed it, my hypothesis—which is quickly steaming like a freight train toward its undeniable confirmation according to the empirical data on the show—about the signal that a woman sends when she wears white jeans quickly became more viral than a Caitlyn Jenner photo shoot.
Look, I didn’t write the rule. I just communicated it. I’m sorry for ruining your recent seasonal white jeans purchase (they look totally cute on) and I’m sorry for the grief your husbands and boyfriends are going to give you when you wear them from now on. Like a certain activity (allegedly) invited by white jeans, the truth hurts.
The good news is that according to Doctor Kübler-Ross, denial will precede anger and then bargaining, followed by depression, and eventually acceptance. Mourn the death of the heretofore innocent white jeans and embrace them for what they now mean.
By the way, which one of us would have guessed that (s)he’d be the one in the Kardashian family to undergo the most plastic surgery? I hope Kanye leaves Kim for Caitlyn.
2. I’m not sure Kaitlyn—our Bachelorette, not the 1976 Olympic Men’s Decathlon Gold Medal Winner above—is a nice person. The jury is still out but she’s appearing more and more shallow and loose with each passing Rose Ceremony.
Now let’s get to the show.
Every time I see Kupah, I think about Willie Wonka for some reason. What if his mom and dad were Oompa Loompas? He’d be Kupah Loompah.
|Damn, Kaitlyn, it's because I'm orange, isn't it? |
Memo to Kupah. Screaming at the ABC intern in the driveway over your drunken haze and dropping ridiculous accusations like “I’m the token” and “I get it. I’m a ‘casting’ problem” and then pulling the Eddie Haskell routine after Kaitlyn has heard you and comes out to check on you is not going to get you in the Fantasy Suite.
No sir. That’s for slimy guys who show up mid-season for the express purpose of sleeping with Kaitlyn in the Fantasy Suite, but still. You got kicked off because you showed your true color rather than the color of your skin. On the upside, Ray Rice apologized his way back to the NFL after decking his fiancé in an elevator, on camera, while drunk, in a casino. If he can do it, so can you. Call Tony, take one of his self-actualization tutorials, and find you a nice girl back home. Self love is important. Self awareness is more important. Good Riddance.
Kaitlyn tells us that she is “invested in these guys’ feelings.” Right. We’ll see how invested she is when she sluts it up in Ireland with Mr. Miscellaneous in a few weeks. She also tells us, “you learn a lot about someone in thirty seconds.” Just think of what she’ll learn in the 15 minutes she spends with Mr. Miscellaneous in the non-Fantasy Fantasy Suite.
Harrison shows up in lavender and a skinny tie. He doesn’t even bother to ding the butter knife and champagne flute. The guy with the giant chin drops the double negative, “nobody doesn’t want to see Kaitlyn anymore.” A solid shot to the head and he's Jane Freaking Austen? Harrison brings in the only item in the room more abundant than black eyes: Roses.
1. Ben Z. (beating the hell out of everyone deserves a rose)
2. Clint (he gets jack-assier with each passing minute)
3. Jared (a concussion equals a rose, fair enough.)
4. Ben H. (strong rally this week)
5. Shawn Gosling (this is how Allie would have rewarded Noah in The Notebook II)
6. Jonathan (an apparent undetected “casting mistake”)
7. Tanner (can any of you picture this guy?)
8. Chris the Dentist (creepy)
9. Ryan (meh)
10. Justin (meh)
11. Ian (he’s calmed down from anxious to almost normal)
12. Joshua (Tree)
13. Joe Dirt (I still love this guy)
14. Corey (dark horse)
15. Tony (Tone, Toni) (loves his Bonzai trees and his dog)
Gone: Cory. It’s not you, Cory. It’s your kid’s fault you got booted. Let’s face it, she’s not step mom material.
Daniel Fashion Guy. Man, that socks for him. BOOM. You’re welcome. He never wore any socks. Get it? Moving on.
Sumo guys, Biamba and Yama, wake up the guys with a gong. I usually wake up Mrs. Some Guy like an alarm clock: with a big dong.
Two for two, folks. You’re welcome.
Biamba and Yama are 600 pounds. Harrison can barely contain his smile. It’s humiliation time. And by “humiliation time” I mean J.J. telling us that he “loves Japanese culture” because he “loves sushi.” I could almost hear Joe Gump saying “stupid is as stupid does.”
Mawashis, those sumo g-string/diaper things, abound. Joe Dirt is confused.
Kaitlyn has on white jeans. Seeeeeeee? Told you.
Kaitlyn says she’s “seeing junk everywhere.” That will, of course, serve as excellent preparation for the Fantasy Suite Dates.
Tony takes the whole sumo thing a bit too seriously. He doesn’t appreciate “showing aggression” and believes it is improper on dates. I have to tell you, he actually made sense. Set aside the fact that he was standing there in a semi-pony tail sweating profusely in a thong/diaper combination, but I actually agreed with him.
“Could we not take a boat ride?” “Can we not do normal date stuff, like hold hands and walk?” “Why can’t we just go to the zoo and see who makes the best elephant noises?” Brilliant questions, Tony. I mean that.
I’m started to believe that Tony was on to something. It became readily apparent that his little stint as a sumo wrestler was the proverbial hemp straw that broke the gypsy camel’s back.
Tony continues to melt down. He quickly becomes the equivalent of the buzz-killing chubby girl who is relegated to purse watching duty in the VIP booth while her hot friends dance with cute guys and then ends up crying in the bathroom at the nightclub.
I’d like to see Harrison in one of those diaper things. Can you imagine what that would run ABC?
Tony waits for Kaitlyn in her black leather pants. He was like some modern day Pontius Pilate ready to unburden himself of responsibility:
“When Tony the Healer saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the Bachelorette. ‘I am innocent of this sumo wrestling,’ he said. "It is your responsibility!" ---Harrison 27:24
Chris the dentist gets some one on one. Meh.
Clint and J.J. begin to eye each other. I’m going to gloss over all of the gayness. Not, mind you, because it was gayness, but because it was inane. This show is so much better when it’s not scripted. The entire thing lacked subtlety and was, therefore, crass and unamusing—like Carrot Top or explosive diarrhea.
Shawn Gosling gets some one on one. He talks about The Notebook and gets the date rose just as he imagined Allie would give to Noah in The Notebook II.
She gets a card because it was either let Harrison plan her one-on-one or remove her black, skin tight, leather pants. The Bachelorette, after all, has time constraints. You think she just wake up looking slutty? “Ben Z. Be ready for anything.”
Ho Hum. Call it what you want: the Dirty warehouse date. The trust and communication metaphor date. The Buffalo Bill Gumb date. Whatever. It was boring. The only interesting part about it was Kaitlyn’s revelation that she’s deathly terrified of birds? You know, like the ones she has tattooed on the back of each arm.
|It takes the flashlight from the toilet or it gets the hose again.|
The bottom line is that Ben Z. appears to be a nice guy. They go back to her “house” and order a pizza. Ben finally tells her is my mom died story. She buys the whole thing. Overall, a solid 2 weeks for Ben Z.
Group Date 2 Card
“Let’s learn to love. Kaitlyn.”
Is there really a need to bring the kids into this? Mind you, I asked that question prior to knowing that they were all about to endure hour upon hour of inappropriate sex education instruction from a group of horny non-teachers vying to get into Kaitlyn’s white jeans.
What in the hell was Mrs. Korman thinking? Perhaps the parents of those “child actors”—as if that excuses it—bought her off with gift cards from her pre-selected stores of choice that she communicated to the Room Mom at the beginning of the school year.
Whose parents would sign off on this? They're all terrible people.
I began to wish Tony was the only guy on this date. Can you imagine how great that would have been to hear Healer Tony explain the birds and the bees?
Ben H. drops the non-profit in Honduras with kids and then refers to Kaitlyn as “my girlfriend”. He gained a ton of traction at the schoolhouse and his Peter Brady vibe is certainly working for him. However, I was surprised that the word “Girlfriend” came to his mind. The word “Delusional” came to my mind.
J.J. and Clint are gay. They’ve fallen in love. Yawn.
Kaitlyn says she loves black eyes. At least I thought that’s what she said. For Kupah’s sake, let’s hope she didn’t say “I love black GUYS.”
Ben H. gets the Date Rose. Let’s face it. He earned it.
Joshua the Welder in his vest drops the hammer on Clint’s manipulation.
And then the episode ends abruptly like a freaking Cormac McCarthy novel. WHAT?! NO DENOUEMENT!?!?!, I screamed at the television. Well, actually, it was more like WTF?, but you get the picture. We’ll have to wait until next week to see Kaitlyn drop the Canadian hammer on LGBT Clint.
Frankly, I was bored with this episode until I was offended at the child exploitation and then I was bored again. I can see the mid-season production meeting after the initial audience feedback. “We need to bring back a bad guy to sleep with her or we’re toast.” “Get me Nick’s phone number, stat.”
Well, there it is. We shall see how it all turns out. With any luck, J.J. will leave hand in hand with Clint next week and we can all watch Peter Brady try and out smile the Dentist. Have a fantastic week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be washing my eyes out with soap. DP