Alright, if you thought I was edgy last week, you’re in for a treat. One of these days I’ll be chipper. Today is not one of those days. For those of you who care, the reports of the utter destruction that Tropical Storm Bill is leaving in its path in Austin are greatly exaggerated, thank God. I haven’t been this dry since my last hangover.
On the up side, Lake Travis is at 669 feet, or just 12 feet below full, which is its highest level in 5 years. It’s gone up over 35 feet in the last 40 days. That means all of the public boat ramps are open again. That’s great for me because it takes all of the keg-standing, pontoon boat renting, Ed Hardy wearing, sunburned morons who have been forced from Lake Travis due to the lack of public access to party on Lake Austin in the cove within earshot of my house every weekend back out to where they belong. If I heard that stupid Avicii song one more time my head was going to explode. “Wake Me Up” is exactly what that song did—every Saturday.
And yes, I’m well aware that I’m one step away from being the guy who sits in his driveway with a shotgun like Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino yelling at everyone to get off of his property. I’ve embraced that role. You should support me. Just do it within a respectable distance from my property.
|Get off my lawn.|
A few points before we get to the recap.
First, I started this season really liking Kaitlyn. I was hopeful that she would blossom like a heel blister inside of a pair of ill-fitting ice skates once she was chosen over that unhygienic fraud she was unjustly thrown up against.
She was attractive (enough), fun, and up for anything. She reminded me of a quirkier version of her Canadian counterpart, Jillian, with bird tattoos on her arms and a tiny nose piercing. However, I’ve lost faith in her at this point.
Has she actually had any fun this season? Aside from taking almost sadistic pleasure at the public humiliation (sumo wrestling, mariachi outfits, rap contests) of the guys she’s supposed to respect as potential husbands she hasn’t had much time to do anything but (poorly) address the drama that, frankly, she’s responsible for creating. I haven’t seen so many guys jump ship since I watched Titanic in 1997.
To be fair, the guys who have melted down (The Drunk Guy, Kupah, Ian, Clint) have shown themselves to be anger-ridden jerks with huge chips on their shoulders, so one could make the case that her “method” has been effective. Unfortunately, I don’t think she deserves that much credit.
Finally, and then I’ll conclude my rant, I’m very unimpressed at how she’s handled the “Nick Situation.” The closest she came to “look, I’m the Bachelorette and it’s my decision (along with the Producer who can ruin my life if I breach my contract) to invite Nick here,” was pinning the rose on him this week after Joshua made the mistake of all Bachelorette-related mistakes by trying to rat Nick out for not being there for the right reasons. Even then, she was huffy and disrespectful.
It’s clear that every one of the guys is over it. It’s just a matter of time before they direct their frustration at her rather than the circumstance or some other dude.
Let’s get to the big show.
Oh yea, we’re still in New York. Does anyone like this new “To Be Continued . . .” format with the cliff hanger at the end? If this would have happened in Juan Pablo’s season, I would have sworn I was watching a telenovella on the Spanish channel. Los Pendejos de Amor would be an appropriate title.
Nick shows up after wearing out the soles of his Chuck Taylor Converse shoes from wandering around lower Manhattan for two weeks like Helen Keller on her way from the living room to the kitchen. He’s happy.
No one else is happy.
Joshua shows his distaste verbally by making an indignant distinction between Nick’s characterization of Kaitlyn as a “Cool Chick” versus the (presumably preferential) “Amazing Woman.”
Frankly, that’s a semantic distinction without a difference as far as I’m concerned unless, of course, Nick was actually referring to the temperature of Kaitlyn’s body which, at this point, is a viable explanation. Regardless, Joshua seemed pretty proud of himself. Total burn, Nick. Total burn.
Ryan chooses a more passive/aggressive method of demonstrating his vitriol toward Nick by wearing an infinity scarf left over on the women’s racks in the ABC Wardrobe Department in order to metaphorically demonstrate the cold reception that Nick deserves for showing up a few weeks in and trying to bed an attractive woman just like the rest of them. It’s all in the timing, I suppose. If you ask me, their anger is misdirected.
Fake Gosling came as close as anyone (save Ian) to being mad at her rather than Nick. Finally, a guy who sort of gets it, I thought. However, let’s couch that thought until we see how far Fake Gosling makes it on his journey. It was, however, refreshing to see an inkling of logic actually escape unencumbered by the blinding testosterone in the room.
Suit stampede. Cocktail party. Citifield. Home of the Mets. Kaitlyn is feeling anxious and looks sluttier than she has in the past. She still pretends she’s concerned about anyone’s feelings but her own. J.J., who apparently borrowed Tyrion Lannister’s suit pants, shows us his pink socks while carrying Kaitlyn around the bases. I found that ironic considering the fact that Nick is the only guy who’s going to get to every base (including home) with Kaitlyn in the next few weeks.
Justin, Jared, Chris all have roses. It’s good to know Jared doesn’t have to take it on the chin this week.
Tanner douches out and tries to rat out Nick. Joe Dirt (he’s my favorite, by the way), and Joshua pow wow about how they can’t stand Nick. The biggest difference between those two—other than the Forrest Gump accent—is that Joe Dirt’s reaction to Nick’s presence was appropriately proportionate. The Joshua Train is headed for certain derailment.
Fake Gosling lays it out and elicits an insecure “Do you trust me?” from Kaitlyn. The only appropriate response to that question is a very direct “No.” However, Fake Gosling goes with the more innocuous, but certainly just as effective, “I’m not seeing you act like what you’re telling me.” Solid work, Fake Gosling. Whatever gets the job done. He’s as honest as he can be and scored some points. He might be the guy standing next to Nick at the end if he sticks around after her one night stand.
Kaitlyn tees up the Rose Ceremony while sitting in the men’s locker room. For those of you old enough to remember, the only thing I could think of while watching that was a certain scene in the early 80’s movie Porky’s. Shame on me.
Sub-zero Rose Ceremony
Ryan (and his scarf)
We’re headed to San Antonio, Texas to visit the St. Anthony Hotel on the Riverwalk where it is virtually impossible to find a place to eat without the word “taco” in it. I’ll spare you the full Texas history lesson but San Antonio was a Spanish settlement that eventually became the center of the Texas Revolution during the battle of the Alamo. It was not, however, where the Texans made their last stand according to Princeton-educated and superior-to-all-of-us Ian. The Battle of San Jacinto is actually where Texas finally won its independence from Mexico. I guess they don’t teach that at his fancy Ivy League college.
Date Card: Ben H. Let’s take our love one step at a time.
Gruene Hall. Two step lessons.
Alright, my worlds really collided on this one. I’ve known Dale Watson and his Lone Stars since 1992 and I’ve been going to Gruene Hall for at least as long. Not only that but Dale has a following in and around Austin. All of the same people go to his shows because he plays songs everyone can dance (two-step, waltz, polka) to. I can rattle off his weekly schedule around town. The point is that I actually knew many of the people in the crowd, including the two people who won the big dance contest. In fact, when Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray was in town to see Harrison, we actually hung out with them at a local honky tonk. Very odd. Annyyhhooo . . . .
If you’re interested, one of the first dates the future Mrs. SGIA and I went on was to see a Willie Nelson show at Gruene Hall.
Ben was a good sport on the date and seemed to overcome at least one of his two left feet enough to impress Kaitlyn. Peter Brady earned his rose. For the record, he may be a top 4 guy but I don’t think he’s manly enough to out-Alpha male Fake Gosling or Ben Z.
My only disappointment was that they went back to San Antonio to have dinner on the roof. About a quarter mile down the road is the Guadalupe River that runs behind Gruene Hall. It’s beautiful. It looks like this.
The Gristmill and the Gruene River Grill sit on its banks. I wonder why they didn’t eat there. My final thought about the date is that I was glad to see that they didn’t make them dress up like “cowboys” or whatever and mock the locals; rather, they had them blend in. I appreciated them not mocking several of the things I love about Texas. The mariachi date is another issue.
Date Card: Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, J.J., Ben Z., Joshua, Nick. I love a man in uniform.
For those of you who blocked this out, this was the humiliating mariachi date in Market Square. Again, so many great local places to go there. If you’re in the neighborhood Mi Tierra restaurant and bakery was where the mariachi kid sang. They have a great bar.
How over it did all of the guys look? Joe Dirt starts drinking early when he finds out he’s going to have to humiliate himself in another language this week. Granted, his stick and berries wouldn’t have to hang out in public this time, but that hat looked ridiculous.
Cocktail party in a barn after Nick stokes the fire with inflammatory lyrics in his Mexican serenade. He’s either oblivious to the situation or he doesn’t care. Perhaps it’s both.
She gives Joshua a stupid haircut. Yawn. I’m not sure what the point of that was and neither was Nick. He scores another make out session in his gray skinny jeans. Presumably, his mustard ones either clashed with his cardigan and infinity scarf of they were just in the wash.
Kaitlyn shows up in some American Indian-esque suede fringe skirt. What look was she going for, Pork-a-hontus?
Joshua becomes the latest ill-equipped debater challenge Nick. Remember when meathead Cody tried that in Andi’s season? It didn’t end well for Cody then and it didn’t end well for Joshua now. It’s amazing how effective rationality and logic are a deflecting knuckleheads. Like Kaitlyn, I had such high hopes for Joshua but he’s losing it. Nick has clearly gotten into his head.
Having not learned his lesson, Joshua tries again to undermine Nick by talking to Kaitlyn’s face about it. Hey Joshua, there’s another part of her anatomy you should have had that discussion with. Her brain has nothing to do with why Nick is sticking around like filth to a truck stop restroom wall. How many times is a contestant going to make that mistake?
Katilyn shows up to clean house, drops Joshua in the grease, and after letting him fry for a while, gives a Date Rose to Nick. I’ll give her credit. That was Solid. Total burn, Joshua. Total burn.
Justin shakes Nick’s hand. Stand up move.
Shawn one on one. She shows up half-naked and he shows up dressed like he’s ready to mow the lawn.
Are we in for rowing in a pond filled with swans? Building furniture? Painting naked in a hand-crafted studio? Nope, we’re going to the Riverwalk . . . to kayak. Let me share something with you non-Texans. There wasn’t one person watching in Texas who didn’t put down his or her beverage of choice and wrinkle his or her brow in disgust at the site of those kayaks in the San Antonio River.
That waterway is disgusting. Sitting in that water is like sitting in that rat-infested underwater river cage that the NVA put Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken in when they were captives in The Deer Hunter. In fact, you have a better chance of surviving a round of Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken than you do of not getting a disease from the water in the San Antonio River. It’s dirtier than Ke$ha.
|Let's go kayaking in the San Antonio River|
Shawn tells his car accident story. She buys it. So much so that the “L” word is thrown around. “Love” not “Lame” just to clarify. He gets the Date Rose. Nice work, Fake Gosling. They take a late night canoe ride similar to what Allie and Noah did in The Notebook except there are fireworks instead of disease-infested swans.
Ian is forelorn.
He melts down.
“I’m the next Bachelor.”
“I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting.”
“She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
“I am an enigma and who I am is who you unwrap for life.”
“I’m on a vacation from life.”
“I came here for love, not fart and poop jokes.”
“I’m so much better than that.”
“I was expecting the girl who got her heart broken by Chris Soules not the girl who wants her field plowed.”
“You’re here to make out with guys on TV.”
AAAANNNND . . . the Nail in the Coffin, “I see you as nothing more than a surface level person.”
Boom. That should do it for Ian. Arrogant? Yes. Judgmental? Certainly. Elitist? Without a doubt. True? Substantially. That has to sting.
But we’ll have to wait until next week to see how much. . .
Well, there it is. Week 6. We’re one week closer to The Big Bang. I can’t wait. Take care of yourselves. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be unwrapping my enigma while kayaking in filth. DP