Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 8: I-Rish I Didn't Sleep with Nick


Hello, Readers. Some Guy has no time for nonsense today—well, other than my own nonsense—so let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Oh boy.  This season is going downhill faster than an artificially loaded soapbox derby car, isn’t it?  Has anyone other than the sound guy responsible for Kaitlyn’s lapel mic had any fun this season? Apparently, our “low maintenance” bachelorette requires more maintenance than Caitlyn Jenner’s bikini line. 

The “not again” looks pasted all over the guys’ faces when Katilyn walked into the cocktail party to announce (yet another) “rough week” were priceless.  I couldn’t tell if the guys were upset because “the most fun Bachelorette ever” is a complete buzz kill or because all of their suits appeared to have been washed in very hot water.  When did suits that don’t fit become a thing?  Fake Gosling’s getup was more snug than the chocolate river pipe around Augustus Gloop in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. 

Fake Gosling takes the cupcake (see what I did there?) for the most neurotic contestant in recent history.  We have to assume we’re not getting the full story about Kaitlyn’s mysterious “off camera” visit during Peter Brady’s marathon shower wherein Kaitlyn, like some kind of slutty, less wise version of Morpheus, apparently told Fake Gosling that he was The One. 

. . . well not really. . .


Kaitlyn:  What if I told you that you are The One?

Fake Gosling:  What about the poontanging you did with Nick?

Kaitlyn:  There is no poon.



Fake Gosling:  Are you in love with me?

Kaitlyn:  Sigh . . . . I’m falling in love with you.

SGIA:  So that’s a no. 

Kaitlyn:  What happened that made you feel so insecure? 

SGIA:  Oh, I don’t know, you slept with a guy that you invited to the show after 4 weeks of knowing Fake Gosling the day after you told him that he was The One and then lied to everyone about it.  He can sense it. 

Fake Gosling:  I don’t know if I can do this. 

Kaitlyn:  You mean pull off that small suit?  You’re sweating like a fat kid in the park. 

Fake Gosling:  Is it because I look more like Alf than I do Real Gosling? 

Kaitlyn:  I’m horny.




By the way, I wish I could take credit for the Alf joke.  I can’t.  A friend flippantly mentioned that in a group email and I ran with it.  Back to our story.    

Katilyn selfishly attempts to shovel the pile of guilt sitting on her shoulders over on to Fake Gosling’s plate, it is abundantly clear that Kaitlyn is not concerned about his feelings.  Rather, she’s worried about getting caught.

“So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.”

― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Bill Shakespeare knew what he was talking about, didn’t he? 

Kaitlyn drops the first of many priceless euphemisms for the one night stand with Nick by telling us that she’s concerned that Shawn knows she’s been “intimate” with Nick.  

Incidentally, my favorite euphemism for the Nick banging is “off camera time” followed closely by “leveling the playing field.”  We have none other than Our Host Chris Harrison to thank for both of those.  He’s right, by the way.  No one wants intimate, off-camera time on an uneven playing field. 

Level Your Playing Field

“I feel awful,” she whines in her whining spot on her balcony.  She’s been there so often this season she’s probably worn out the masking tape “X” marking its location.    

“She felt just fine to Nick a few hours ago,” I said laughing into my Lone Star.  Even Mrs. SGIA—whose Some Guy humor armor is incredibly thick—found that joke amusing.    

Nick talks to Tanner in his skinny jeans and his hipster boots while simultaneously checking Kayak.com for a cheap flight home after getting what he came for.  Fake Gosling begins a 12-hour brood session on various benches around the property.

He should have dusted her for Nick’s prints before getting all broody and introspective.  Either that or just hit her with a spray or two of Luminol.  Problem solved.    

Kaitlyn's Chest

In case we all forgot (and we all did forget) about last week’s cliffhanger, we’re reminded about the impending 2 on 1 date featuring J.J. and Joe Dirt.  J.J. goes with plaid and Joe Dirt layers it up with a vest and a few shirts before they hit a shipyard and narrowly avoid lockjaw when they jump on a rusty tugboat for a trip around the ocean.  That was a long way from a catamaran in the Caribbean, wasn’t it?   

A la The Highlander, the threesome enjoys a picnic on a barrel on top of an ice cold hill.  J.J. looked clueless and Joe Dirt looked bored and tired.  Has there ever been a more genuine guy on this show than Joe Dirt?  No pretense, no drama, just pure Kentucky Joe.  I was rooting for him to be eliminated.  His Joe-ness is inversely related to J.J.'s rampant uber-douchebaggery. 

Clearly guided by the producers and with nothing better to do on top of a grassy hill overlooking the ocean in Ireland, Joe pretends like he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn.  My guess is that he knows he’s going home eventually and he’s going along for the ride until it ends.

J.J., on the other hand, takes his purple pants and matching loafers on a picnic with Kaitlyn and drops—out of nowhere, mind you—I cheated on my wife three years ago.  Apparently, he’s put that  minor discretion behind him now and he’s ready to make Kaitlyn a stepmom. 

Wow.  Open mouth, insert purple suede loafer.  Subtlety is an art, J.J.  Stupidity is not.  

Kaitlyn feigned shock.  We all know she was more terrified about the prospect of being a step-mom to some dirty-fingered little brat than she was bout marrying J.J. and risking infidelity.  Frankly, I was shocked she didn’t respond, “oh yea?  I’ll see your one affair three years ago and raise you eight at one time one day ago.”  Details.   

Alright, I’ll give him some credit for the honesty.  However, whacking someone in the face with that sort of news is not the way to go, J.J.  Everyone has something he’s not proud of, but dude, ix-nay on the eating-chay right out of the box.  Even a proctologist has the courtesy to engage in a little small talk before the blue glove and KY Jelly come out of the drawer.  He got sent acking-pay.  Joe Dirt had to wait for his Date Rose, however.     

Oh, and by the way.  Where in the hell is the fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her s*it after she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party?  Remember when he used to show up, enter the room silently, and remove the bag of the loser?  That was awesome.  Note to Fleiss:  Bring that back.  

Fake Gosling can’t stand it.  He continues to brood in front of the Abbey or whatever that place was.  He’s melting down like a block of Velveeta cheese on Superbowl Sunday.  Dude, if you want a naked female to jump up and down and shake her rear end every time she sees you, get a Labrador.  Otherwise, lighten the hell up. 

Kaitlyn broods on her pre-regret sex/make out/confessional/late night snack eating/interview couch.  The producer tells her that Fake Gosling is on his way up and she waits in dread for his arrival.

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more."   

--Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven.

She paces amongst her filthy room as the guilt builds.  Shawn spills his emotions but fails to mention her greatest fear: the Nick Situation.  You could literally see the relief on her face when she began to realize that he didn’t know about Nick.  Was I the only one frustrated with the 100th reference to the the “talk off camera” stuff we never heard about?  

Incredibly, once she realizes she has the upper hand she goes with “I’ve been reassuring you and you still are insecure.”  Translation:  Your fault, not mine.  Uncool.  I think we’d all agree.  I believe psychologists refer to that as “Deflection,” which is apparently Kaitlyn’s defense mechanism of choice.   I love the self-defeating behavior cycle.  We’ll see how that turns out for her next week.    

Cocktail Party.

She’s had a tough week.  Boooooo.    

Shawn wears shark skin suit and roller derby socks and continues to brood . . . and sweat . . . and brood . . . and sweat.  I couldn't determine if he was brooding because he was sweating or sweating because he was brooding.    

Kaitlyn gets some one-on-one time with Peter Brady who tells an odd “off camera” story about Fake Gosling, a trip downstairs, and a prolonged shower.  Frankly, I was confused.  He calls her out alleging that he knows that “something’s happened” and she stresses. 

“No doubt I [Kaitlyn] now grew very pale; --but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased --and what could I do? It was a low, dull, quick sound --much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath --and yet [Peter Brady] heard it not. I talked more quickly --more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased.”

–-Edgar Allan Poe, The Tell Tale Heart.

Hearing her own heart beat through her eardrums, Kaitlyn goes directly to the alleged source of her angst:  Nick.  (See “Deflection” above).  She freaks out a bit on Nick.  He’s flabbergasted she can’t keep her mouth shut.  He cries after telling her she’s “worth it” and she buys it.  Nice move.  The entire conversation (predictably) devolves into another pre-bang make out session.  So surface level.  Did anyone miss Ian at this point?  

Harrison shows up in a terrible tie.  Rose Ceremony.

Joe Dirt
Ben H.
Nick
Jared
Chris
Fake Gosling (post heart attack)

Gone.

Ben Z. 
Tanner
J.J.

Ben Z. is upset.  He was blindsided.  He’ll do fine back in San Jose.  Please don’t be the next Bachelor.  Just troll around San Jose with a somber look all over your face.  You’ll be married in no time.    

What. A. Beating. 

Group Date.   

They pack up and head out on a giant bus with leprechauns on the side of it.  That was odd.  They are heading to Kilarney.  But wait.  Kaitlyn pulls up and Jared gets to ride to the Blarney Stone with Kaitlyn.  Boring. 

Kaitlyn drops, “Nothing can go wrong.”  Boom.  That phrase is like the Bat Signal for Harrison.  He bounces up the stairs with a smile on his face and a twist up his sleeve. 

Kaitlyn speaks vaguely about a “mistake.”  “What’s your mistake?” he asks.  Harrison pretends like he doesn’t have any idea she’s slept with Nick even though we all know he’s seen the raw footage. “Off Camera Time,” is introduced as a euphemism for the gratuitous fornication she engaged in with Nick. 

Harrison:  Here’s what we’re going to do.  You’re clearly not capable of either keeping your legs together or of telling the truth about it.  In light of that we’re going to drop the dead weight, narrow it to 3 dudes, let you “even the playing field” in the Fantasy Suites with some "off camera time" with each dude, and after you decide who is horrible in bed, you’ll narrow it to 2 and THEN we’ll do hometowns.  You’re welcome.  I’ll tell the guys.  You stay here and finish your Kegels.  Out.   

Chris gets the “here boy, we’re going to the vet for a ‘check up’” first date.  The only difference between him and an aging pet is that he had no idea he was ABOOT to be put down.     

Helicopter date.  He feels lucky to get the date.  I’m sure Fredo felt lucky to get on the rowboat in the Godfather II. 



Cliffs of Moher.  That was pretty.  In fact, I am at a loss as to why Kaitlyn did not refer to it as the “perfect place to dump someone.”  Fair is fair, right?  Presumably, if there is a perfect place to fall in love, there is a perfect place to dump someone.  Again, guilt-ridden, Kaitlyn breaks down a bit before dropping the hammer without the courtesy of any Novocain.  She gets on “her” helicopter and Chris cries like a little girl on the side of that lonely cliff.  Well, it was lonely until a producer stepped in to ensure he wasn’t going to throw himself off of it.    

And then the episode threw itself off the cliff.  This episode truly was a cliff hanger.  Next week, we’ll see Kaitlyn exhibit some forced “honesty” and then we'll revel in the fallout.  I pray that at least one of the remaining bozos has the stones to go home on his own. 

Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be pacing in my royal blue, ill-fitting suit.  DP







   

43 comments:

  1. Wow. Kaitlyn is just AWFUL. I never thought she could possibly come out of this looking worse than Juan Pablo. But she has.
    I can't wait to see the fallout next week, even though I know I'll be disappointed by it. At least it should make for a much better Men Tell All than usual.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great references, but loved the God Father reference the best. Great racap as always. Thank you!
    Paula in Sacramento

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know it was you, Fredo. It breaks my heart.

      Delete
  3. Normally I never watch the Tell All shows, but can't wait for this one because it's going to be a blast.
    Loved the Fredo reference in Godfather part II, one of all time favorite movies.
    Wow, Fake Gosling must have worn out a path on the carpet between his room and Kaitlyn's last night. How many times did he walk the walk? Geesh Shawn, you signed up to be in a dating show and knew she would be making out with numerous guys. Grow up and deal with it!
    Kaitlyn is the worst possible choice in Bachelorette history, can't believe she is even surpassing that douchebag Juan Pablo.
    How many tears were spilled last night? I've been to funerals where there wasn't as much crying. She was supposed to be a fun Bachelorette? Really? Could have fooled me.
    I hate how she never owns up to her mistakes and it's always someone else's fault.
    Great recap. Have a great 4th of July weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shawn seems to have lost focus. That's usually a killer. DP

      Delete
  4. You had me at "I couldn’t tell if the guys were upset because “the most fun Bachelorette ever” is a complete buzz kill or because all of their suits appeared to have been washed in very hot water. When did suits that don’t fit become a thing? Fake Gosling’s getup was more snug than the chocolate river pipe around Augustus Gloop in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," but then there were Matrix, Shakespeare, and Poe references. Then you topped it off with a display of mathematical expertise: "Has there ever been a more genuine guy on this show than Joe Dirt? No pretense, no drama, just pure Kentucky Joe. I was rooting for him to be eliminated. His Joe-ness is inversely related to J.J.'s rampant uber-douchebaggery. You know the way to a literature-and-math-loving blog groupie's heart, SGIA. Can't thank you enough for all the laughs!

    ChrisP the school librarian

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm thrilled you're finding the blog a rich source of entertainment. DP

      Delete
    2. Brilliant post, ChristP!

      Delete
  5. I'm still laughing at "Chris gets the “here boy, we’re going to the vet for a ‘check up’” first date." that crying seemed fake to me. Sobbing but no tears? I don't buy it. Kaitlyn gets a little worse every week. I remember when this show was slightly subtle about what went on in the fantasy suites. I'm rubbing my hands together in delicious anticipation for Shawn to find out the truth. For the first time in ages I'm actually going to watch the Tell All episode. Thanks for a great recap! Happy 4th of July!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy 4th as well. Yes, Shawn will likely explode next week. I can't wait. DP

      Delete
  6. I haven't watched all the seasons, but Kaitlyn is the worst bachelorette I can recall. However, you and Lincee have truly outdone yourselves with your commentary and astute observations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kathy, that's very kind of you. Thanks so much for reading. DP

      Delete
  7. "Harrison: Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re clearly not capable of either keeping your legs together or of telling the truth about it. In light of that we’re going to drop the dead weight, narrow it to 3 dudes, let you “even the playing field” in the Fantasy Suites with some "off camera time" with each dude, and after you decide who is horrible in bed, you’ll narrow it to 2 and THEN we’ll do hometowns. You’re welcome. I’ll tell the guys. You stay here and finish your Kegels. Out. " Best bit ever! I laughed so hard. Kaitlyn is clearly a try before you buy kinda girl. I hope Kentucky Joe gets out before he gets "off camera time".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Derby, come on! Let's hope Joe gets some off camera time. He's freaking earned it! DP

      Delete
    2. Shawn is sure throwing up a lot of red flags -he's way too insecure but how can anybody go on a show like this and not understand what it's all about? Exhaustion (plus alcohol) has to be playing a huge part in all these tears-never seen this much by the guys before.
      Usually the beautiful foreign countries get a lot of camera time but I feel like gorgeous Ireland has gotten the short end of the stick with all the drama going on.
      Still find it very interesting how much we are seeing of the guys going to Kaitlyn's room. Probably this happened in all the seasons but they had to create drama this time for some reason so we are privy to all these visits.
      Should be interesting next week if Kaitly really tells the guys about Nick but again, the editing could make it seem that way. Nothing is certain on this season for sure. Happy 4th.
      Sal in Utah

      Delete
    3. Exhaustion, alcohol and the fact that he's used to getting what he wants from women. He's not processing the pseudo-rejection well, is he? Just wait until next week! DP

      Delete
  8. Oh, I love this game. I'm in ....

    But the Gosling still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
    Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
    Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking tonsil to tonsil, thinking
    What this off camera one of yore—
    What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and whining one of yore
    Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jess, nice work. Now two people have officially wasted time doctoring one of literature's greatest works in order to tailor it to the Bachelorette. DP

      Delete
    2. “Do not give way to useless alarm Kaitiln; though it is right to be prepared for the worst, there is no occasion to look on it as certain that people know of your off camera time with Nick.”
      ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

      Delete
    3. “You pierce my soul, Joe. I am half agony, half hope, Gosling...I have loved none but you, Nick.”

      -- Jane Austen, Persuasion

      Delete
  9. Kaitlyn IS a major buzzkill - perfect word for her. Along with weasel and surface-level-person (go Ian). I'm trying to think of a word for someone who enjoys the humiliation of other, lacks impulse control and whines but has no ability to self-reflect. I guess buzzkill says it as well as anything! Also, loved Alf, Shakespeare, and Harrison "Here's what we're going to do..." LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meg, there's a word for that. It's "slut." You're welcome. DP

      Delete
  10. Thank you, DP, it was worth the wait. Can't stop laughing!

    CK

    ReplyDelete
  11. I want to scream at my television every time one of these guys go on about what a great catch Kaitlyn is. Seriously? Is it simply the fact that she's the bachelorette that makes her a great catch? What are her redeeming qualities that would make someone want to take her home to mom? I'm not seeing it. Ben Z dodged a bullet on that one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's an excellent point. She's probably a fun first date. Beyond that? No way. DP

      Delete
  12. Poor Kaitlyn -- all I can say is "bless her heart." Thanks for the Poe stuff, Some Guy -- it was very fitting and genius! Poor old Shawn was sweating like a whore in church. Who's your pick for the next Bach?

    Marti in Dallas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poor Kaitlyn? Meh, she deserves what she's getting. Whiskey and promiscuity involve consequences. Granted, she doesn't deserve prison or death but she should have to explain. DP

      Delete
  13. Thanx Chris P the school librarian, yyou posted everything I would have said. I can only add that Harrison comment, "Since you can't seem to keep your legs together..." to your review, DP, which over the years has, if possible, g ok then greater.
    Faithfully, Macedonian Hussy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a p.s. I have a @$?!ing 8-inch screen and I meant "...has GOTTEN even better," DP

      Delete
    2. I often make mistakes involving things that are 8 inches. DP

      Delete
  14. You had me with the line about the Labrador. And on behalf of Canada, I apologize. We are not all vapid skanks.

    I am surprised that you missed playing on the line "how am I going to get down to just 3 guys", which I heard differently in my head!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to hear that there's hope for Canada. DP

      Delete
    2. Such harsh words for a pretty standard show of poor judgement, I'd say. Who hasn't slept with someone in the wrong place or time? At least she owns up to it, eventually. Most people probably don't, or don't have to.

      Also, Kaitlyn doesn't strike me as vapid at all. Tired, stressed and emotional, yes, but even so she is able to express herself in whole sentences, unlike recent bachelors we have known.

      What is uncommon is juggling so many guys at the same time, for all the world to comment on. That takes major Cannuks.

      No apologies from this Canada!

      Delete
    3. Valid points, Anon Canada. I don't think she's vapid. I do think she's immature and with that comes a certain amount of selfishness that doesn't lend itself to dating that many guys at once. It's a bit of a conflagration. I do think she should have been more disciplined or certainly more discreet in light of the fact that she's on a national television show. And, depending on your age group, there are a lot of people who having slept with someone in the wrong place or time. I suppose it's that crowd that is judging her the most harshly. As I said, I don't have a problem with what she did. I have a problem with the circumstances she did it under. I also disagree that she's "owing up to it." As I said, she had no meaningful choice but to own up to it. That's different than taking responsibility.

      Finally, it's great to know that Canada is still in the HOOOSE. DP

      Delete
  15. DP, just when I think you can't possibly get any better, you go and include quotes from Shakespeare AND Poe...then top it off with a reference to Luminol. Color me impressed!!! And I think my favorite analogy from this week is this:

    "Chris gets the “here boy, we’re going to the vet for a ‘check up’” first date. The only difference between him and an aging pet is that he had no idea he was ABOOT to be put down." Outstanding!!!

    Kaitlyn is a train wreck and I can't fathom why Chris was SO emotional after that breakup. If it were Shawn, I would totally get it, but I didn't see Chris getting that attached...?!?! Poor guy will have a lot to answer to back home about that meltdown.

    I'm sure I wasn't the only one that found it ironic that Kaitlyn regretted telling Shawn that he was "the one" more than she regretted her "off camera time" with Nick. I'm happy to see they are culling the pack quickly so that these poor guys can be put out of their misery already.... Wish I could say the same for us loyal viewers. It's getting harder and harder to watch.

    Rose in OC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rose. Agreed about the "off camera time."

      Delete
  16. I kinda feel bad that you and Lincee have been served such a rotten season. I'm sure it's a chore to come up with material for the recap. However, the two of you pull it off like champs! Thanks to both of you for enduring Kaitlyn to write recaps that, frankly, are the only reasons I still watch this train wreck. I feel like most of these guys - and most of ALL guys - are too good for her. My, how the mighty have fallen!! I liked her so much last season. She's terrible as the lead. But I don't think Britt would have been any better. All we can do is hold on. This will be over soon and hopefully things will be better for Bachelor in Paradise. I cannot wait for "Mesa Verde"!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CajunDre, we're all having fun. That's what counts.

      DP

      Delete
  17. This season is good stuff. The emotions roiling somewhere beneath everyone's surface level (you were so wrong, Ian) make for some entertaining television. I was getting tired of Shawn's moping and complaining and then at a certain point in this episode I realized just what you pointed out, "Oh, he has good reason. He feels it's off and he doesn't know why so the free-floating anxiety is driving him slowly around the bend." Kaitlyn knows her admission about Nick is going to wreak havoc on all her other relationships so she's hoping she can get the ones she likes more locked down before she tells it at the "right" time, which is probably at the point right before Nick seems about to put it on blast. Nick totally lied to her already, claiming he didn't tell the other guys it was intimate, which is the exact word he used when he bragged about his date to them. I think he especially enjoys sticking it to the other guys. He is such an insinuating character. He's good at worming his way in to people's good graces, clearly.

    ReplyDelete