Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree Episode 10: Brooks Takes a Dump



Holy Cow.  Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to the Part 1 recap of what might actually be the most (insert provocative adjective here) finale ever on the Bachelorette.  I was half right in my prediction.  

For those of you who read my dear friend Lincee Ray's wonderful blog I Hate Green Beans you already know that she and I plan to do a He Said, She Said type of blog posting on a regular basis.  Check her blog site for details and send us your ideas.  We'll start with Bachelor Related Content.  I look forward to hearing from all of you and, of course, to arguing in public with Lincee.  Now, let’s get right to it.  

Not including the Men Tell All (I was too busy counting beers and not words) the Amazing Count sits at an incredible 156 and the Journey Count is at a not so shabby 40.  In fact, I think the first 15 minutes of the big recap set a record for the number of Amazings uttered by one contestant on any show in history.   If Amazings were people their population density on that island would have rivaled Manhattan.  Someone needs to swap Des’ useless poetry book for a thesaurus.  What’s another word for thesaurus?  Annnyyyhooo . . . .   

I'm so Expressive!  

We begin on this season’s tropical paradise, Antigua.  Ahh, there’s nothing quite like a tropical island for Fantasy Suite Week.  I immediately wondered how many of the remaining guys would get a chance to see Des’ Greater and Lesser Antilles. That’s a little geography/anatomy humor to get the ball rolling this week. 

Rorschach Test.  What does DP see?

Canned shots of Antigua taken during Harrison’s mid-year “scouting trip” are thrown across the screen.  “Yea, I get it,” I thought.  The Caribbean paradise where anything can happen is almost as much of a cliché as the panoramic shots of our wayward Bachelorette “arriving” on the island via sailboat like Odysseus returning home after his (dare I say it?) journey. 

Like Odysseus, Des has encountered her fair share of Lotus Eaters and even a Cyclops or two this season.   She’s ready to nail down a possible fiancé who could maybe one day turn into her first husband.  After all, she’s no Trista.  Speaking of getting nailed, did I mention it’s Fantasy Suite Week? 

Incidentally, I haven't been this excited since Womack dumped that bitter b*tch Deanna Pappas on the flower altar or whatever.  

I’m certain that we all took a collective breath after sipping our chilled chardonnay and begging the ABC Gods to spare us the next 30 minutes of the recap and just get to the damn dumping.   It was like waiting for a root canal sitting in the dentist’s office reading a year old Time Magazine or trying to solve the only puzzle without crayon all over it in the errant Highlights magazines scattered around the cheap end tables.  Speaking of roots and canals, did I mention it’s Fantasy Suite Week? 

I immediately retired to my bedroom to make an allegorical sketch of my feelings before pedantically penning profound poetry in my secret journal.  As I mentioned, it’s a secret journal, but I trust all of you so I’ll share a haiku that summarizes my experience.   Ahhhhemmm. . .

Desiree Hartsock
Brooding on the horizon
A dump truck awaits


Brooks is behind the wheel
  
After recapping the summaries of the recapped summaries of the entire recaps of the summaries of the recapped summaries of the season Des (and ABC, we presume) feels the need to recap a bit more.  The only thing more worn out than these scenes was Brooks’ moth-eaten cardigan sweater collection.  I swear Des’ birth canal got less mileage put on it in the Fantasy Suite.  “MOVE ON!” I yelled.  Hell, I was so impatient at this point I almost spilled a fresh Lone Star on my Snuggie. 

FINALLY, we get to Drew. 

Betty’s Hope will soon be Des’ Despair.  Being the first slave out of the gate in the Fantasy Suite Dates is bitter sweet.  Sure, there are no body fluids to clean up but you’re certain to take a giant spiked ball and chain straight to the face.  I’ll give Drew credit for dressing like a man this time and I sincerely believed all of the sap oozing out of his mouth when he wasn’t sucking Des’ lungs through her trachea. 

Show me your Greater Antilles!

They end up at Shirley’s Heights and we all know we’ll soon see Desiree’s Lows.  After a ton of banter and a limbo contest (or was that just some stretching in anticipation of the after dinner goings on?) Des tells us that Drew is sincere.  She and Drew ate shards of pineapple carefully carved by Drew while simultaneously boring the shit out of me.  “Hey, Des.  You know what rhymes with ‘sincere’?”  Oh, never mind.   Back to the recap. 

Des and Drew digest the flora and the fauna before taking Harrison up on his invite and forgoing the foreplay by hitting the Fantasy Suite with the entire film crew.   Remember, Des, there’s no “I” in phallus; however, there is a “US.”  Lead off batter up.   

Brooks broods on a bridge in Boise in his best fall regatta wear amongst the swans.  He’s been thinking.  Apparently, he was nervous about his free first class trip to Antigua.  Let’s face it, he knew he as going to get picked by Des and when he had the chance to sober up and think about it far away from the close quarters of the sausage fest, he realized he didn’t want to marry her.  Regardless, he books a layover in Boise to chat with mom and sis about it. 

Dude, if you’re not there with a free ticket to Antigua in your pocket and a free engagement ring from Neil Lane you’re not going to get there.  His mom hit the proverbial nail squarely on the head when, after a calculated sigh, she looked her son in the eye and said, “you should know by now.”  Indeed.  Game over, Des.  Well, at least until Brooks has second thoughts and Mesnicks his way back to the Lair of Seclusion next week.   

For some reason, we learn that we’ll be subjected to Chris' anachronistic date despite already knowing what’s going to happen.  Whatever.  With Des in some stringy hippie thingy and Chris in his purple v-neck. They meet up for an island date.

I waited for Chris to say, “How are you?  Why do you smell like Drew?”  Instead he made a Savage Garden reference by saying he was Truly, Madly, and Deeply in love with Des.  Poor Bastard. 



 
Remember these guys?  

Des tells Drew she wants to explore the south end of the island.  You know it’s coming.  I might as well say it. 

Speaking of exploring the south end of the island, did I mention it’s Fantasy Suite Week? 

They end up on Barbuda Island.  FYI, I believe the word “Barbuda” comes from an early Antiguan dialect and loosely translates into the English phrase “sure thing.”  Loosely translates.  Get it?  I was certain Des already had.   

Back to Des’ south end.    

No limbo contest?  To be fair, she was probably sick of bending over.  Danny Tanner didn’t seem to care.  They From Here to Eternity make out in the surf before Des recycles her Drew adjectives.  He asks her if she’s ready to move to Seattle to which she responded, “Sure, I’d love to move to Salt Lake City . . . I mean Seattle.”  Poor Chris.  He deserved a private tour of the south end of the island. 





Chris begins the big evening in the Fantasy Suite with yet another poem.  Good Lord.  This one was apparently written in Free Verse.  By that, I mean that no one would ever pay to hear it. He actually used the word “journey” twice.  Somewhere in Boise, Idaho Brooks was still digesting the fact that he’s unlikely to need a cardigan sweater in Antigua.  Despite his poor effort, Chris still closed the deal (allegedly).  

Des and her midriff wait for Brooks to arrive.  She drones on.  She saves her best bikini and white shorts (she’s no Emily) for Brooks.  At this point I started to feel REALLY sorry for her.  I suppose we can make the whole Deism vs. Theism argument with respect to ABC either orchestrating this mess or simply winding up the watch and letting it tick, but man, I thought she deserved a heads up.  That opinion would change before the end of the show, however.  For now, I dreaded the big heave ho. 

Harrison sits down for a paycheck earning session with a forlorn Brooks and, boy, did he do a good job.  Tough, direct questions, pregnant pauses, knowing looks.  Solid work.  I could see the “cha-ching” echoing between Harrison’s ears as he sat there watching Brooks squirm.  Those mai-thais at the Bongo Beach Bar aren’t going to pay for themselves, after all.  Brooks confirms the imminent let down.

Brooks:  This is not the girl for me.

OHCH:  Right.

PREGNANT PAUSE

OHCH:  Let’s hit the bar.  Drinks on Fleiss.

Harrison puts the chalk outline around the body and Brooks signs the death certificate.   

OHCH:  “Good talk, Brooks.  Call me at the bar if you need me.”

Why couldn’t this happen to Jake? I lamented.   

Brooks broods on the beach as Des approaches like an unsuspecting mouse walking into a room full of stray cats. Dude, Harrison could have swung by the Fantasy Suite and given her a heads up.  Instead, Brooks cuts to the chase.  He got past “something’s wrong” pretty quickly but not to “we’re done” quickly enough. In fact, he could have flown back to Idaho faster than that took.  Sadly, this is probably familiar territory for her.   

Brooks:  Yea, I’m (temporarily) done (until next week after I have regrets, production meetings at ABC, and a conversation with Neil Lane).

Des:  But I put makeup on my hickies for you, Brooks.  Even the ones you can’t see right now.

Des becomes the first Bach’ette in history to drop “I Love You” before the big day.  How great of a prank would it have been if Harrison would have sent some unsuspecting intern in right at that moment to drop off the Fantasy Suite Card?  Man, I’ve got to get my producer’s license.  Des goes from upset to protective angry mode pretty quickly and I’m certain Brooks was glad his car was safely on the opposite side of the world along with Des’ Carrie Underwood CD’s. 

Here’s where the recap stops and I explain my take on this whole fiasco. 

There are two possibilities with Brooks.  First, he’s an indecisive, emotionally unavailable guy who got caught off guard and developed real feelings for Des but never crossed the line into loving her.  Ok.  It happens, right?  That doesn’t make him a bad guy but it does make it unfair to put her in the position of getting dumped and having to dump two other decent guys because he failed to make a tough decision until Harrison squeezed it out of him. 

Second, it’s all a ruse to get him back to the studio and extend an otherwise uneventful season that yielded little workable footage thereby necessitating the need for a dramatic end.  Brooks knows the end game and was promised some good stuff to play along.  If that’s the case, that makes ABC the bad guy for not letting Des in on the big secret.  As an optimist, I’ll choose the first scenario. However, it’s really a distinction without a difference, isn’t it? 

Either way, I think he’s going to have a Mesnick-esque change of heart.  Either way Des, Drew, and Chris' feelings were all needlessly dragged through the Antigua sand.

Another point I’d like to make:  Des played along with the Bachelorette formula and didn’t break (or brake) the supposed rules when she knew Brooks was the guy.  She said as much last night.  That makes her whatever the female equivalent of a Chach is for leading Drew and Chris on for what she admitted was literally weeks.  Uncool, but I’m certain she felt stuck.  That’s, in part, why she’s looked so miserable all season.  At least she got a free chiropractic adjustment out of it.  Oh, and she should have foregone the foreplay and opted for her own bed too.  Also uncool. 

Oh, and for Des’ sake, I have a final point to make.  You know what’s worse than getting dumped by the guy you think you want to marry?  Having to explain to your small child why Mommy is suing Daddy for child support after you get divorced because you married the wrong person.  Chin up, buttercup.  It will all turn out alright.    

Des seeks refuge pier side and proceeds to cry into her white shorts.  Look, we’ve all been there.  That feeling sucks and it sucks badly.  Speaking of sucking badly, did I mention it’s Fantasy Suite Week?  (I couldn't resist). 

I was wondering why Des was so quiet then I realized that it’s not wise to plan a murder out loud. 

Brooks continues to overstay his welcome by unbelievably saying, “I really hope she finds love.  I hope she finds exactly who she’s looking for.”  Uh, she did, Brooks.  That guy just punted on fourth and inches. 

Hey, two out of three isn’t bad.  Well, except for the fact that she now has to kick Drew and Chris off the same pier.  Ouch. 

Remember, Des, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia. 

As for poor Chris and Drew? Rejection hurts.  But, like anything, it won’t last forever.  I saw an ad recently that said a person should call a doctor if he has a rejection lasting more than four hours but that's neither here nor there.  What's important is that we all know there are plenty of fish in the sea.  For now, Drew and Chris will have to settle for just holding their rods. 

Well, there it is.  We’re halfway through the most dramatic whatever we call this ever.  Weigh in via Twitter (FOLLOW ME) or in the Comment Section.  Remember to send Lincee and me your ideas for our new blog section.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be deciding if I love Desiree while packing for Antigua.   DP


48 comments:

  1. You know they were in Antigua, right? Anguilla is a whole different island....

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    1. Details. Details. I had both in my notes. Looks like I flipped the coin and lost. Thanks for pointing that out. DP

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    2. Problem solved. That's what the Find and Replace function is for. We're on the correct island now. DP

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  2. Believe it or not, I also pondered the name of the band after Chris dropped his "Truly, Madly, Deeply" declaration. Too funny.

    I must say, this recap made up for the creme de le crap season. Fine work!

    Why is it so impossible to have an articulate Bachelor / Bachelorette? If I never hear the words journey or amazing, it will be too soon. A brush up with a thesaurus should be mandatory!

    I can't wait to hear of Drew and Chris' rage when Brooks returns to "win" Des. A better twist would be Drew professing his undying love to Chris and they live happily ever after.

    Dixie aka Dixienormous aka Dnormous on twitter

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    1. I just hope Chris' dad sends Des a bill for her chiro adjustment. DP

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  3. Thank you for the Savage Garden reminder, I kept thinking the words sounded familiar "Truly, Madly, Deeply". I knew I had heard them somewhere in the past.

    I tend to agree with the first of your opinions on the Brooks fiasco. Too much too soon for him to handle it. Even though it broke her heart, and it was real hurt, he was being honest. Why does it have to end with a proposal? Why not say: "Let's date and get to know each other in the real world and see where this ends". I know it won't make good TV and Fleiss won't like it but it would be the sane thing to do.

    You had so many funny lines in your recap today but for some reason this one just made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes. "Remember, Des. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia." What can I say, I am weird.

    Can't wait for next week.

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    1. That's sweet, Liana. Keep in mind that originality is the art of concealing one's source. Thanks for reading. DP

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  4. Probably the most "reality" shown on the Bach. Ever. I totally agree with your take, DP, but you forgot one thing: where's the photo of you in a Snuggie?

    Maybe Brooks is a normal guy who thinks it is crazy to propose after a couple of dates. Can you blame him? But that's not what he said, and I believe he's an ambivalent guy who fears closeness. Having created distance, he will feel safe and (with some major bribery, I mean prompting, from ABC), you're right: he will return to Des.

    She should send him packing or sic Nate on him, end of discussion. But given what seems her low self esteem, er penchant for unavailable guys, she will welcome him with open limbs and spurn the guys that want her. (Not after watching last night's show, however.) I predict a breakup by Christmas, but I hope Santa gives them each some counseling sessions.

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    1. dp2, oh come on. Let's just root for them and see what happens. Perhaps it will work out. Then again, it might not. DP

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  5. My vote for best line this week? That you were waiting for Chris to ask Des why she smelled like Drew. (She did look awfully tired, didn't she.)

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  6. Savage Garden huh? How the hell you do remember stuff like that?

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    1. It's my job to remember, Josh. It's always good to have some Savage Garden on the iPod. You never know when you'll need it. DP

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  7. Wow, last night was painful in so many ways... I can't even comment on her date with Drew and Chris, other than to say I'm so disappointed in Des that even though she knew she wanted a proposal from Brooks in the end, she still went ahead and got her groove on with Drew and Chris in the Fantasy Suites. Wonder what Brooks thinks of that information now??? Knowing that she was
    romping in the sheets with the other two while he was desperately trying to figure out how to be a "normal" person who has strong feelings for someone in an abnormal situation. Not to mention, how the heck do the other two feel hearing her say that she was already compromised because she only wanted to give her heart to Brooks and didn't feel the same about them?!?!? Compromised, indeed!!!

    Truly, the most painful thing was not watching the sobbing and the break-up, it was probably Chris and his cringe-inducing poem again. Just....NO. Please no. Thank God for the DVR and FF button!!!! I couldn't take it.

    I always love your Chris Harrison descriptions and talk of the Lair of Seclusion. Can't wait to see what next week brings....definitely another paycheck earning session for Harrison (coupled with a healthy bar tab to deal with all of the tears and drama!!!).

    Thanks for the input, DP. Don't think I could have gotten through this season without you! :)

    Rose in the OC

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  8. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia.

    bahahaha

    I also enjoyed your haiku and the picture comparing Chris to Bob Saget.

    What on earth do you think is going to happen next week? She can't pick Chris or Drew after what she said this week. And Brooks burned that bridge. Ugh.

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    1. She dumps the dudes and heads out crestfallen. Brooks has a change of heart and returns to he Lair of Seclusion. They get engaged. That's my best guess. I don't read spoiler sites but that's my best guess. We shall see. DP

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    2. I just read in Lincee's comments that US Weekly has Des saying she's engaged. Oy.

      PS- Stop the DPs. Your brand is SGA

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  9. Damn, I like this recap even more than Lincee's. (Shhhhh don't tell her!) Were it not for her you would not have a new follower right now.

    Anyway, I have second-hand embarrassment from Chris' "poetry" like crazy.

    I agree with your Option 1 as to why Brooks bailed, and I feel like he's going to come crawling back. And instead of telling him no and going home alone save for her last few shreds of self respect, she will cry tears of joy and accept his proposal-- but the engagement will not last.

    Why can't he just go back and ask if they can date and get to know each other in the real world? WHY ARE PROPOSALS REQUIRED OF THESE PEOPLE

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    1. Yea, Zainab, that's a novel idea: date before you get married. I thought he was a bit dramatic. Thank again, isn't that the point. Glad you're a fan. Don't leave Lincee though. She's far more consistent (and a nicer person) than I am. DP

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  10. My take: he's a dude and so it's naturally hard for him to articulate exactly what he feels, especially when cameras and OHCH are thrown in the mix trying to tug everything possible out of him that he could possibly be feeling with leading questions. He's just a poor dude that subconsciously knows that he doesn't have strong enough feelings for someone after knowing them for only a handful of weeks to want to propose to them, whilst they've been dating a handful of other guys on top of that I might add, because HE'S NORMAL and not as susceptible to this whole romantic-getaway-could-fall-in-love-with-a-codfish-under-these-circumstances environment as the others. Props to him for recognizing he didn't have as strong of feelings as the others sods-- I mean gentlemen-- who tripped over themselves to declare their love after such a short period of time. Double props to him for doing it as soon as he knew the uncertainty outweighed giving her a chance. I mean honestly, I would rather be with a mature guy who recognized that a whirlwind, see-the-world, everything-at-your-fingertips, by-the-way-I've-hung-out-with-you-a-couple-times, oh-and-you-have-other-boyfriends-too kind of girl MIGHT not be the best partner to propose to right away. Had someone jumped in and said, if you like her enough to date her, then stick around and maybe you can do that. People break the rules all the time, who says you have to propose at the end? Bachelor/ettes have been breaking rules for years. God forbid Brooks not want to propose to someone he barely knows.

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    1. Arielle, Good points but I don't see it the exact same way. I think he rode the wave of the free trip, booze, and excursions knowing he wasn't into her. I think what he did was a bit unfair, but then again that's the nature of the show. Des is guilty of leading Chris and Drew on. She did what Brooks did. Turn about is fair play, I suppose. I do agree that he did the right thing, though. Of course, that's out the window next week. Oh well. DP

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  11. He is gay..that is his conflict.

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    1. Perhaps. I don't think it's that complicated, however. I love the comment, though. You have a gift for brevity. DP

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  12. Had to "watch" through your words and Lincee's words again and can't wait to view the episode when I get back. Sounds worth watching. I will be burning up my DVR soon.
    Your fantasy suite innuendoes were great. The second to last paragraph had me laughing out loud especially " I saw an ad recently that said a person should call a doctor if he has a rejection lasting longer than four hours...". And "for now drew and Chris will have to settle for just holding their rods". Hilarious. Thanks for bringing a weird bit of home to me in this far away land.

    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal in Utah, are you on tour? Must be nice. Glad we're keeping you informed. Safe travels. DP

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    2. Hey DP -guess you could say I was on tour. Mr Sal in Utah has been working overseas so I came over so that we could have some of our own fantasy suite moments in exotic locations!

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  13. "rejection over four hours".....greatness!

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    1. It always amazes me that a line I consider a throw away always seems to catch on and become a favorite. Glad I could brighten your day. Thanks for commenting. DP

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  14. Agreed that 'rejection lasting longer than 4 hours' is the best quote ever. But there were SO many good ones this time DP. One of your best recaps. Good job.

    BTW, while reading Lincee's blog she had some 'refer backs' to previous blogs...and YES...I saw it...the picture from your modeling days. HOW did I miss that to start with? Damn DP!! Smoking Hot!!

    Cindy from Hoover (proud to be the oldest woman you've corrupted!)

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    1. You realize that I've posted CURRENT pictures of myself for the past few weeks and you comment on how good I looked in my early 20's? Sigh. . . I suppose I'll take it where I can get it these days. Thanks for appreciating me in my youth. DP

      P.S. I know you enjoyed all of the filthy jokes in the post more than you should have.

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    2. Well you ARE married now, and I am old enough to be your mother..so I have to keep my thoughts to myself about how handsome you are now...don't want to make your beautiful bride jealous!!

      Cindy

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  15. Too much fun in this blog, especially after the pain of watching that episode! Geez, if a guy is breaking up with you, that's not the time to blurt out, "But I'm in love with you!" ... not gonna change his mind, just gonna make it that more awkward. The whole thing's gotta be a set-up. Needs to go back to real spontaneity, like when the girl about to get dumped by Jesse Palmer had the limo driver pull over so she could puke.
    I have no idea why, but my favorite line is "Brooks broods on a bridge in Boise in his best fall regatta wear amongst the swans." And all your Fantasy Suite lines were priceless.
    Oh, and I think it was Mesnick who dumped Deanna, not Womack?

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    1. Jesse Palmer predates my Bachelor watching days but that sounds awesome. Mesnick dumped Melissa Rycroft (who looks like Deanna). Womack dumped Deanna and then she came back on the show in his second season to rub her engagement ring in his face. Remember? DP

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  16. This is the best blog ever! DP, you are a comedic genius! xoxo

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    1. Genius AND hugs and kisses? Thanks for commenting, Mom. DP

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  17. Holy crap! This post is really good. I agree with Sal in Utah, probably because we live in the same state. :) I was laughing through the fantasy suite innuendos and the Snuggie image. Your alliterations were awesome. You really should get in on the production of this show. "Mesnicks his way back to the Lair of Seclusion" haha You made my day and it just started.
    ~Cariss

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    1. ~Cariss, what's the official name of this thing ~ ? DP

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    2. It's a squiggle. How cool is that!?
      ~Cariss

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  18. Aha! That's right ... I'm the one who is confusing dumpers and dumpees! The Jesse Palmer ending WAS awesome ... You know how they send in the one who is NOT getting the rose first? Well, since Tara's limo stopped so she could throw up on the side of the road, then probably at a 7-Eleven for some gum or mints, I imagine ... the limo carrying the "winner" got there first, so she had to hide in the house while Jesse dumped Tara. THEN Tara was very cool with handling it, and actually called him out on how "inappropriate" he was with her on the Fantasy Suite date. Here's a youtube video of the FR ceremony http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l2KDneyA54

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  19. Hilarious as ever. You nailed Brooks' issue, maybe should date a bit more before proposing. This finale just might be the most dramatic finale ever. And by the way, let's add the word "connection" in there with journey and amazing. I am so over that word too. Get that thesaurus Bachelors/Bachelorettes! Lass

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    1. Lass, agreed. At least the ending has been a surprise this season. DP

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  20. I like all the suggested he said/she said topics in Lincee's comments. The gays, makeup, etc.
    also you know Monday is three hours? Your deadline is not extended, so don't ask.

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    1. EM, I'm painfully aware of the length of the finale . . . and the status of your deadline.

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  21. Ok, I haven't finished reading the full recap yet (or any of the comments), but could there be a 3rd possibility with Brooks and it is that he is gay? I am totally serious. I just need to know if anyone else had that thought at any point in time this season.

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  22. I'm late reading your take on episode ten.... was eagerly waiting for your reference to the little white shorts and you didn't disappoint. I must note tho' that I think I'm probably the oldest person you have corrupted - I'm 74 and loving every minute!

    B in NY

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  23. Des is very needy, with a bad love history. She needs reasurance and should not chase men who are elusive and not sure of their sexual proclivities -ie Brooks. He is effeminate, esp. at the last show when he saw Des again . Evasive and slighty stoned - brought out his high voice . Chris is a sweetheart and confident- rescue her please

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