Amazing Count is at 132
Journey Count is at 34
I thought I’d lead off with that this week because those numbers (particularly the first one) are tantamount to a Bigfoot sighting: You know you’re seeing something few people have ever witnessed but you can’t seem to get your brain around how it’s possible. Combine Des' myopic repertoire of adjectives with her tenuous grasp on monosyllabic rhymes and I think it’s patently obvious that the public school system in whatever town Des called home as a child is in need of textbooks (or iPads). Let’s get to it.
|The Amazing Journey of Bigfoot|
Warning: I’m a bit edgy today. I know my post is very late. Sometimes my “real” life simply gets in the way. Thanks for being patient.
Alright, so it’s (YAWN) Hometown Week and it appears that for the first time in Bachelorette history three out of the four remaining potential fiancées who may graduate to bona fide someday husbands are in actual love with Desiree. That’s great if your name is Desiree save the fact that the guy she really wants to love her (Brooks) is sitting squarely on the fence like a stray cat above a back alley dumpster full of dead fish. Details.
Zak in Dallas
Ahhh, Dallas instead of Mico, Texas. Now Zak makes perfect sense. Hair gelled to the sky, orange tint, propensity for taking off his shirt, and the metrosexual wardrobe all equal Uptown Dallas on any day of the week. The only thing he’s missing is a black North Face vest and a set of keys to his leased 3-Series BMW. I still like the guy, however. As I’ve said before, he won me over this season.
As Zak sketches some sketches in his sketch book while simultaneously relaxing in a gazebo (and sketching) Des arrives for the first of (count them) four Walk and Talk in the Local Park before Strolling to Mom’s House in Your Pirate Boots Dates. Zak tees up his sketches via a dream sequence and then squires Des about town in his family snow cone truck before dressing up in a foam penguin suit he borrowed from the paroled pederast his family undoubtedly hired to wear it on a regular basis. Odd.
Zak’s family is the standard bunch of tract house suburbanites from any large city. There’s mom and her standard-issue turquoise bracelet (artfully matched by Des’ turquoise leather jacket due back by 5 p.m. in the Bachelorette Wardrobe Department), Dad, brother Denton (who looked like that guy with the big eyebrows in the Backstreet Boys), and the judgey, plucked and manicured sister, Carly.
They seemed like nice folks notwithstanding that Cowsills-esque family song they horrified Des with as she sat there politely downing her Chardonnay. I suppose if we could point to a deciding factor, that was likely it; although, Brooks’ yellow and black plaid shirt seemed a bigger faux pas than that. What do I know?
Zak caps the day off by presenting Des with a gumball machine ring an intern thought it would be a good idea for him to pretend like he purchased in Atlantic City. That was so cheap. It was likely inexpensive too. Des fake cries. I cried too, but for an entirely different reason.
Drew in Scottsdale.
Drew awaits Des in his version of the “Boyfriend Outfit.” A pink oxford and a pair of khaki shorts and boat shoes doesn’t exactly scream Alpha Male, but hey, Drew lives in “The Most Livable City” in America. They meet romantically in a strip mall parking lot and Drew proceeds to over shower Des with non-sexual, physical touch (his Love Language but clearly not hers). Des meets the fam damily, including Drew’s handicapped sister and is privileged enough to witness Drew’s formerly alcohol soaked dad’s first entry back into his mother’s house.
Amongst the wonderment of the xeriscape and parental pueblo Drew professes his love for Des. Are we sure this guy isn’t gay? Hell, I’m not sure HE’S sure but that’s another show entirely. Like “Friend Zone,” “With that said,” “Amazing Journey,” and countless other staples of suspicious syntax eternally engraved into our brains by this show, Drew uses the word “soulmate” to Des-cribe Des. Puh-leez.
Like most of you, I was waiting for Drew to announce what his pink oxford hinted at, mom to pass out, and Dad to hit the liquor cabinet. Unfortunately, none of that happened. Dad and his Italian restaurant table cloth shirt were a bit odd, but like Zak’s family, these all seemed to be perfectly reasonable, supportive, decent people for crying out loud. I longed for the moment Des’ under adjusted, chip-on-the-shoulder, malcontent brother left his complimentary swanky hotel room in search of squashing his sister’s happiness.
Like Zak before him, Drew ponies up a poorly placed “I love you” in front of the aluminum backdrop of his parents’ garage door before shoving Des into her waiting car and the reflecting upon the afternoon. Booooorrrinnng.
Chris in McMinnville, OR.
Des dons her odd beige pseudo-boots again and heads to the Pacific Northwest to meet Chris and his regionally appropriate flannel shirt. Incidentally, has anyone noticed that the Wardrobe Department has been asleep at the wheel this season? Emily never wore the same thing twice and Ashley got a full makeover. Granted, Ashley had a barn door sized forehead to obscure and Emily has probably never worn the same thing twice in her entire life, but come on. The fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t could have done Des a solid and removed those beige pseudo boot things from her room back in L.A.
We learn that Chris likes baseball, Des still sketches (poorly), and all of Chris’ family loves the color black. They looked like a crew of stage hands waiting for a puppet show to end. Mom, Dad, Anna, Erin, Jared, and Jill greet Des with open arms before Dad goes to his old standby Irish toast. At least we now know where Chris got his rhyming “skills.”
Dad drops “would you like to come get adjusted” on Des before escorting her (alone no less) to his Red Room of Pain in the basement. How freaking creepy was that scene? I was waiting for “It takes the lotion and places it in the basket or it gets the hose again.”
|...or it gets adjusted again...|
Incidentally, “would you like to come get adjusted” was my favorite pick up line in college. It was right behind, “can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?” Annnyyyyyhoooo. . . .
Chris’ mom apparently hates fun. She spent the rest of the evening sucking all of it out of the room like a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Unaffected, Des makes out with Chris before heading to Salt Lake City to make out with Brooks.
Brooks in Salt Lake City, UT.
I won’t bore you with all of the same details of the other three dates. Throw in a plaid shirt, substitute Texans, Oregonians, and Arizonans with Mormons, add a 30-foot ubiquitous scarf to “compliment” Des’ beige pseudo-boots and cap it off with more Cloud 9 talk and you get the gist of the big meet and greet. For some reason, everyone felt compelled to wear name tags. There were enough religious paintings in that house to rival the Sistine Chapel. I looked for scaffolding.
|Brooks' Family Living Room|
Brooks eventually defers to his mother’s opinion even though he’s an adult and his mother has no frame of reference. Again, nice people, decent family. Boring. Let’s get to the crazy brother, shall we?
Back in Los Angeles. Meeting with co*k block brother.
Can we just call this what it is? Des’ brother is the black sheep of the family. She was loved, he was ostracized, and he’s been acting out for a lot of years prior to this show. Des has little or no contact with him but has a soft spot in her heart because a.) she feels somewhat responsible for taking the only bedroom in the apartment and allowing him to sleep on the couch while she played with Barbies in the privacy of her sanctuary, and b.) dealing with him a couple of times a year is easier than pissing him off. She reluctantly agreed to have him back on the show to stir up the drama provided that the powers that be sat him down for a little chat prior to his appearance. I’m certain that’s substantially accurate.
I can hear it now.
“Nate? This is Mike Fleiss’ Assistant calling from the show that made your already resented sister internationally famous while you struggle to make ends meet after your provisional release from state jail. Look, we’d like you to show up and tell your internationally famous gravy training sister that you hate whoever is left by the time you get there. We’ll send you a free ticket, pay for the Rainman Suite at a swanky L.A. hotel, and give you an unlimited room service and bar tab if you behave when the camera is off. Deal?”
“Do you want to mail me the plane ticket? I’m not allowed on the Internet?”
Notwithstanding the multi-week set up that entire exchange—like the rest of the season so far—proved anti-climactic. Even Nate’s Harrison stalking never panned out. He looked like a five year old peering into mom and dad’s bedroom in hopes he’d be invited to sleep in their room for the duration of the scary thunderstorm on the horizon. Like most of you, I was disappointed yet again.
Lair of Seclusion.
Harrison stirs the pot and again forecasts Brooks as the big winner. She doesn’t deny it but—ironically, like Brooks himself—won’t commit to it either. She’s hedging her bets. She wants a last hurrah at the Fantasy Suite with all three guys in order to teach her brother a passive-aggressive lesson and then she’ll pick Brooks. Hell, she’s sucked more face than a dermatology office technician this season. She might as well finish the marathon. I find it very telling that she’s most attracted to the guy who won’t say “I love you.” Sigh, women. She’s totally gonna bang all three guys.
1. Zak (next Bachelor)
Zak was shocked but he made huge strides toward next-Bachelor status. Suck it, James. I was praying that Zak would dial up Des’ brother and invite him out for a drink. Des again turns the bayonet in Zak’s gut by giving him yet another version of the You’re a Great Guy Speech. She gives the trinket ring back and Zak summarily tosses it out the window to a Sunset Blvd. tranny in need of a stranger’s kindness.
He departed with class and with the appropriate amount of emotion. Chin up, buttercup. 25 women will be dying to see you with your shirt off next season.
Well, there it is. As is my custom, I will NOT be writing about the MTA next week. I hate that show. HOWEVER, I do have a DP Tells All Post in store and it will be posted in a timely manner next week. I’ve got 4 questions I plan to answer but if you have any you’d like addressed, please send them in and I’ll do my best.
Have a wonderful week and an even better weekend. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be ironing my pink oxford and shining my boat shoes. DP