Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree Episode 6: The Fake House Husbands of Barcelona County




Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week’s installment of the Big Recap.  As usual, I’ve been traveling for work this week and I can’t say that my first thought upon being jarred awake by the touch down of jet wheels on an Austin runway was rushing home to watch Desiree Poontang around a Peninsula in search of a temporary, fake fiancé.  However, for your sake, I swallowed my pride (and a few Lone Stars) when I got home.  Let’s get to it. 

Good Lord.  There hasn’t been so much conflict on the Iberian Peninsula since the Second Punic Wars.  I’m actually proud of myself for remembering that there was more than one Punic war even though I can’t remember what “punic” means.  I’m also grateful that I was able to use an obscure second century B.C. reference that has heretofore sat dormant in my brain since my freshman World History course in college.  Thanks, Professor Crow. 

I have to preface this post by saying that this recap is going to be more commentary than recap simply because (like many of you, I suppose) I had a visceral reaction to the whining and bitching going on that prevented me from not hitting the Fast Forward button on my DVR. 

Is this the status of all twenty-something ‘men’ these days?  If so, I feel really sorry for the twenty-something women in search of a protector, nurturer, and provider.  As traditional as that might sound, let’s face it; women deserve better than this.  I haven’t seen a bigger bunch of feminized, petty, pastel wearing, eyebrow-plucking, pomade-using, Axe Body Spray worshiping, chest-shaving, fake tanning, malcontents since I accidentally flipped to the final episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last summer. 





We all know from the ole getgo that James, the THIRD resident A-hole behind Ben and whatever-that-guy-with-the-former-Playboy-playmate-who-still-thought-she-was-his-girlfriend-and-is-at-a-loss-to-explain-his-lack-of-respect-for-her-tiny-son (notwithstanding the emotional scars the kid will endure at her live TV performance and nude photo shoot) because-he-went-on-the-Bachelorette-two-days-after-banging-her-out-of-wedlock’s-name is, melts down and drops the F word more times than Michael can whine into the camera during his solo shots. 

Before all of the drama can commence, however, we have to add Barcelona to the ever-growing list of “perfect places to fall in love.”  Personally, I’d put it right behind Tahiti, Bali, and the Riverside Hooters here in Austin, but what the hell do I know?  With the ink drying on the list, Des wanders, broods in seasonally and geographically appropriate attire, and Harrison appears and drops a few Spanish words he learned from the Castilian call girls ABC had waiting in his suite upon arrival along with the “use your time wisely” speech.  He drops the Date Card and heads back to commiserate with the aforementioned call girls. 

“Drew (Pavelka), Let’s build a foundation for love. Desiree.”  Puh-leez.  If Drew were anymore uptight you could stick a lump of coal up his rectum and end up with a diamond for Neil Lane to mount up in a pre-selected setting.  After we see Des wandering in the ubiquitous 30-foot scarf we learn that we’re headed for yet another “go exploring” date.  They head to the Bubo Bar (my money says Harrison was at a Boob-O Bar the night before) and Drew drops “my dad is a booze hound” story smack dab in the front of the deli line while Des chokes down a glass of red wine and feigns interest.  She might as well have had “What. A. Beating.” written across her forehead.  Hell, I almost pushed Pause and wrote it across my own forehead. 

They wander the alley ways and enter a “secret” door before Drew “steals her away” for a Jack the Ripper-esque make out session in a dark alley.  Was it me or was that just about the creepiest thing that we’ve seen in quite a while on this show?  There’s nothing like a spontaneous back alley date rape to get the seed of romance out of its husk and poking through the soil.  Odd.  Very odd.

Excuse me, Des.  Can I steal you away for a moment?

They loiter in the alley some more before Drew earns a Please Don’t Murder and Eviscerate Me Rose.  He immediately kills the fake enthusiasm by ratting out James for being a Mikey T.  Wes Hayden said it best:  “There’s nothing I hate more than a tattle tale.”

Drew = Jake. 




Incidentally, the best part about that entire (mind numbing) tattle session was Des chewing through her cheeks like a rat through a below-deck cargo net before dropping “what a f*cking a*shole” to the camera.  Boy, you have to love a real lady, don’t you?   

Des = Eliza Doolittle.    



Hoodies, boat shoes, and v-necks abound as the Group Date card arrives.  I’d like it noted that Juan Pablo is the only one of the group sans hoodie, boat shoes, or a v-neck.  The guy is Money.  I’ll go out on a limb and say that’s he’s easily the coolest guy who has ever competed on this show.  Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo draw the date and Zak W. is left to liberally apply self-tanner while simultaneously performing Kegels in order to kill time before his one-on-one date. 

The guys play soccer against a bunch of women “in comfortable shoes” and lose because James sucks at sports.  Des flits around in chartreuse as Michael and Kasey begin to plot against James.  Like two cardiac cells in one Petri dish, Michael and Kasey begin to whine in unison. 

Dinner.  Kasey basically turns into Michael with better hair.  Des flatters Chris and inexplicably takes him to some out of the way bedroom complete with mosquito netting and a cameraman.  She tells him (rather suggestively) that she “could give him any activity and he’d be good at it.”  Chris is apparently too dense to take that as an invite.  We call those “buying signals” where I’m from, Chris. Ring up the purchase.  Instead, he asks her if she wrote him something.   

Dude, when you’re lying in bed and an attractive woman drops “I’ll bet I could give you any activity and you’d be good at it” you don’t ask “did you write me something.”  She happily reads her horrible, predictable, cliché-filled stanzas.  She invents some incredibly creative rhyming couplets such as  “bliss” and “kiss” and “date” and “late” and “fate” followed by “unknown,” “shown,” and “home.”  She's no Emily . . . Dickinson, that is.  

Ode to Desiree's Poetry
by Some Guy in Austin

Forced to listen to rhymes so simple
I scratched my dimple
and pulled my ear
while chugging my beer
even though it was clear
that the end was not near. 

I filled the room with a dozen curses
as Des kept reading her senseless verses
and I prayed for silence
as I was driven toward violence. 

Man, was I glad when that scene was over.  I immediately went to my room to capture my emotions on my sketch pad. 

After yet another reset of the sketchily documented, allegedly overheard bus ride home conversation between James and the conveniently not there to defend himself Mikey T., Kasey, Michael, and Chris confront a highly agitated and even more defensive James who responds like a huge macho a*shole.

Michael and his mysterious thumb injury bears the brunt of James’ nonsense-filled rant as the entire show melts down into an episode of Real Housewives minus the plastic lips and “charity” event where the argument is usually held. 

Allow me to interject my serious two cents here:

Anger is our primary protective emotion.  It’s easy, shocking, and immediate.  In guys like James it’s basically the first option just shy of the blatant manipulative behavior that we saw (and Des bought…twice) when he knew he couldn’t berate everyone into seeing things his way.  Anger like that stems from perceived vulnerability and his perception of the magnitude of the threat in front of him.  In short, he lost it because he knew he was about to be sent packing after being caught in a lie.  Self-doubt and insecurity crept to the front of his Neanderthal brain.  I’d be willing to bet that any one of this idiot’s exes has seen that scenario play itself out dozens of times before. 

I’m no psychologist (or psychiatrist) but when any person allows anger to act against his long-term best interest in the name of saving face and avoiding a problem he’s obviously created then the issue likely needs to be addressed.  Self-preservation is an instinct in all of us; however, taking it as far as James did indicates the guy has a real issue with anger.  Next Bachelor, my ass. 

Kasey invents the hyphenated word “counter-accusate” and bridges the gap between being like Tattletale Drew and Whining Michael by again ratting James out to Des.  Good Lord.  No wonder she’s not interested. 

Des clears the room in the name of clearing house.  “Good for her,” I thought.  It would be abundantly clear that I thought too soon, however.  James cries, manipulates, and eventually Des gives in.  She’s no Emily . . . Maynard, that is.  “Get the f*ck out.”  Remember that gem?  

They “I can’t guarantee” each other along with some other meaningless placating remarks.   James cries at the possibility of being forced to return the key to his free hotel suite and the clothes to the ABC Wardrobe Department before having the fat guy that helped Roz pack her shit walk him and his bags out so he can hop a flight and return to his mediocre, angry life.   He wins.  She loses.  She’s a gullible idiot.  No wonder she hasn’t had any luck with men.   Although I will say that it would be interesting to see him meet Des’ brother. 

One-on-One

Zak borrows a shirt from Drew that was clearly washed repeatedly in hot water.  I believe it was an Extra-Medium.  He meets Des on a 45 degree angle in her orange leather and seasonally appropriate jacket. The only thing more orange than her coat was Zak’s spray tan.  He looked like an Oompa Loompa or The Heat Miser (thanks commenters for catching the mistake) from that Rudolph holiday special for crying out loud.







I’ll spare you the rest of the banality.  They sketch a nude hermaphrodite and suck face in a tunnel.  Zak’s rallied since his idiot display on night one.  As sure as the sunset is orange, I still say he’s going top 3, easy.

A point of order before we continue:

Can we PLEASE retire that annoying, overused phrase “with that said”?  I’ll be the first to recognize that the phrase has both a meaning and a value in the English language.  HOWEVER, it has become a standard lead-in for every putz on this show trying to sound intelligent or well-spoken.  It’s like “at the end of the day” or “I mean that. I really do.”  We have Womack to thank for that, I suppose, just like we have Mesnick to thank for “amazing.”  With that said, that pisses me off.  I mean that.  I really do. 

James and Drew have a mano-a-mano chat again resetting the entire alleged bus ride faux pas wherein James crossed the (GASP!) “Next Bachelor” line.  I’ll give Drew credit for being frank with the guy and holding his ground.  Granted, he had a camera and a film crew to back him up, but James’ anger issues were bubbling all over the place and it would have been just as easy for Drew to let the fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t do the dirty work. 

James gets defensive and tries to strong arm him and then readily admits he is, in fact, the jerkoff that everyone thinks he is.  

Drew Pavelka 1
James 0. 

Des is worse than Ashley in the insecurity category.  Hell, Des doesn’t have Emily to worry about and she’s still as malleable as Play-Doh.  There are few qualities less attractive to a man than rampant insecurity and indecisiveness.  Des displayed both in spades.  “Drop the hammer, Des,” I screamed at the TV.  Frankly, if I was one of the remaining guys and I saw James walk back into the room for a second time I would have gone down and removed myself from the show.   

Des retires to the Spanish Lair of Seclusion.  Harrison shows up in his Transporter outfit in lieu of a Cocktail Party (things are way too serious for that).  He displays his gift for overstatement by characterizing Spain as the “most emotional, dramatic, volatile week so far.”  I suppose that’s not that big of an overstatement, in hindsight.  However, I wish he would have added “petty, frustrating, and incurably boring” to the list.    







Upset, Des gives us a peek behind the curtain saying “I’ve always loved the wrong people.”  Cue the Esteban Guitar and bring on the roses.   

Rose Ceremony

1.     Drew
2.     Zak
3.     Chris
4.     Brooks
5.     Michael

Gone

1.     James (lesson in textbook denial and projection)
2.     Kasey (should have been Michael but that will happen next week)
3.     Juan Pablo (Noooooooo!  Las chicas se quieren.  He’ll find a step mom)

Well, there it is.  With the Amazing Count at an incredible 95 and the Journey Count at a respectable 26 we approach Episode 7.  The top five are headed somewhere else next week and, based on the previews, there is a lot of crying between now and the big finale.  Have a great week.   Follow me on Twitter or comment below with your thoughts.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be angrily sketching naked hermaphrodites and trying to think of a word to rhyme with hermaphrodite.  DP

30 comments:

  1. +1 for the Second Punic War reference but -2 for confusing Heat Miser (pictured) with Burgermeister Meisterburger (http://tinyurl.com/7gw6nso).

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    1. Touche' ânon. However, I think the Second Punic War should be worth more than a Rudolph reference. Thanks for straightening me out. DP

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  2. I look forward to this every week!!! Hysterical. Love it. Keep doing it. So just wondering who you were pegging for Des's pick?

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    1. I'm on the record after Episode 2 as picking Brooks. I'll stick with that, although, after last night I have no idea. I suspect Michael will be next to go and then Drew. Zak, Chris, and Brooks look like the top 3. DP

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  3. Holy Grammar Squad!
    Dez gave us a peek, not a peak behind the curtain. This season must really be getting to you DP.*
    I'm going to google the Second Punic War now....I'm sure it's more interesting than this season! How you are managing to write about this season is a testament to your creativeness and certainly not the show!
    * I'm sure you will come up with a reason for this....she was looking at a mountain range would fit.
    B in NY

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    1. You're right, B in NY. This season is getting for me. Haste makes waste. I'll own the typo and say "thanks" for catching it. Who knew Some Guy is not perfect? Go figure. DP

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  4. I see someone beat me to Heat Miser. Second Punic War--Hannibal crosses the alps and gives Rome total hell, but is finally defeated. Third? Carthage destroyed completely.

    The Bachelorette? Ugh, what a season. I hate to say it but I'm feeling Drew "Pavelka" might be next.
    See ya DB

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    1. Capt., Check out the big brain on the Captain. I'm willing to bet that knowledge has also remained tucked away in your psyche for quite a while. Good to see you in the mix. Happy Fourth. DP

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  5. There's this weird effect where the Bachelor or Bachelorette starts out seeming kind of different and cool (to me, anyway) and then descends into a morass of cliches and redundancies and obviousness and I wonder if the interesting person they seemed to be was a creation of the producers or if rather any person would begin to spout cliches when put in this situation.

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    1. They need to drop the morass in favor of more ass. DP

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  6. Des says "kin" when she means "can." That's annoying. Her attention-seeking self is also annoying.

    Is Michael a real federal prosecutor? It seems unlikely that someone with that sort of job could peace out for an unspecified amount of time.

    Spot on rant about the sad state of twenty-something men. Where do they find these jokers?

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    1. Anon, perhaps he's a Federal Prosector like Ashley is a dentist. It wouldn't be the first time they stretched the truth in that category. DP

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    2. Unfortunately for all current and former prosecutors who would have preferred a better representative than this season's big whiner, I believe Michael is in fact an AUSA in Florida. Here is some interesting scoop I found online:

      http://sdfla.blogspot.com/2013/04/local-ausa-mike-garofalo-to-be-on.html

      If you can't follow the link, just Google Michael Garofalo.

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  7. I second your irritation hearing the phrase “with that said” or even "that having been said," etc. Also I heartily agree with the overuse of “at the end of the day” or “I mean that. I really do.” [which really means you really don't!]. It is the most insincere phrase (as James said at times last Monday night. But amazing, journey, and awesome piss me off as well. An awesome act (very rare) was when Nick Wallenda tightroped across Grand Canyon (which is awesome in itself). Thank you, thank you! I've been waiting for someone to be sick and tired of phrases that fill in for originality (which is becoming a rare talent).

    And I was as disappointed as could be when the smooth and classy Juan Pablo did not get a rose. I think what he did not get was a fair deal. He was worth the whole lot of them (sorry that was not an original statement--see the last chapter of Great Gatsby). Oh well, we beat on, boats against the current, to Madeira Island, where my landlord is from! It looks like Des is going to be wasting a lot of mascara, if the preview is any indication, right, DP?

    By the way, I was away cat-sitting for a friend who has no TV (rare for anyone nowadays) so not only did I get to practice guitar but her cat, Jackson, yowled out of tune--guess he was trying to tell me I was really rusty!

    So I am sending you a belated but sincere "feliz cumpleanos" (without the tilde, as they don't let us add 'em).

    Yours,

    Macedonian Hussy

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    1. Cat sitting for a friend with no TV? Someone has to do it. I hope you enjoyed the escape. DP

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    2. I did. It was strange without a TV. Maybe someday I'll give it up and practice more, as Jackson more than hinted (by pawing my hand, claws extended) while I was practicing. In a past life he had to be either STONEWALL Jackson or a music critic.

      You have a sharper and bolder wit than ever! Oh to be a fly on a courtroom wall while listening to you argue a case: you must strive to restrain yourself. Your review of this week's #6 went over the Alps but unlike Hannibal you didn't lose a single elephant! Keep it up, DP.

      One of these days you may tell me whatever brought you to watching Bachelor/Ette shows but as long as you keep blogging, it will be hard to give up TV (at least during the Bach/Ette seasons).

      Macedonian Hussy

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  8. I don't know.... I only watch this show to read your blog and I laugh so much every time! :)

    While I don't know if James is sincere or not, is it a crime to have a back up plan if you don't "win" the girl? I mean, the odds ARE against each and every one of them. So what if they joking talk about what "might" happen if they don't end up with Des?

    BUT, you are right... Des made up her mind and then James sweet-talked his way out of it. She reminds me of the girl who is in an abusive relationship but won't leave because he apologizes after he hits her.

    As for your comment about the status of men.. yeah... I am SOOOO happy I found my match in a real man. I would be single forever if these are the guys I had to pick from...

    Elizabeth from CA

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    1. Elizabeth from CA, It's one thing to have a back up plan. It's another thing to blab about it in a van full of your bitchy competitors. Good point, though. DP

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  9. DP, Great title for this week's entertaining post. I keep wondering about our friends who would be eating up this season with Desiree's group of contestants. Wonder why they are MIA. Where are you Derek and the Boys of South Beach?

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    1. It's Summer, dp2. Derek and the Boys are probably dancing the days away shirtless and full of sangria in some South Beach disco. I'm sure they'll surface sooner or later. DP

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  10. Favorite line- "if Drew were anymore uptight you could stick a lump of coal of up his rectum and end up with a diamond for Neil Lane to mount up in a pre selected setting."

    Two things from this week-too much time was spent on James and his assholeness and Arie has the lock on pushing up against the wall kisses.

    I mean that -I really do.

    Sal in Utah

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    1. Yea, well I thought Jake had the lock on tattling but apparently not. I agree with your last point. They are hurting for footage this season. Is she really that boring? It appears that way, doesn't it? DP

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  11. I have a few comments even if I am kind of late chiming in. It was hard watching the show on Monday, geesh all those grown men bitching and carrying on about James. How many times did they have to say the same thing over and over? Sure, James was an a**hole, but good grief did they ever beat that dead horse.
    Desiree can't make up her mind and reminds of Ashley who got sweet talked by Bentley several times until she finally sent him home. I couldn't believe it when Des had two different opportunities to tell him to pack-up his bags and get out of town. Each time she bought his insincere B.S. and let him stay.
    Also, am I the only one who noticed Desiree is bow legged like Ashley? Those leggings with the ugly shorty boots made her bow legs be very noticeable.
    What's up with Chris and Des and the bad poetry? DP, I liked your poem so much better than their silly dribble.
    Wow, shirtless Zack has been a total surprise. I thought he would be going home on the first night and now have to agree with you that he will probably be there for the fantasy dates. Who knew?

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    1. Better late than never, Liana. I'm sure you're globetrotting this summer. Thanks for checking in. Travel safely. DP

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  12. I've been away for awhile ... missed this blog!!! My favorite line today was from your poem: and I prayed for silence as I was driven toward violence. love it!
    Oh, and the useless phrase to fill up space I can't stand is "The fact of the matter is ..." gets on my nerves everytime I hear it.
    Thanks for keeping this blog going, DP!


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  13. Oh, and one other strange thing I noticed ... when I hit "info" on my remote control during the bachelor, it has always put Chris Harrison and Brooks Forester as the stars. never says Desiree. Can't figure out if that means he "wins" or becomes the next bachelor?

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  14. Thanks for the recaps. It's really a public service for those of us who are too bored to watch the whole show. And the coal/Drew/Neil Lane was a classic.

    Don't ever stop your bloggin'.

    Marti in Dallas

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  15. For some reason I laughed for about a whole minute when I read this line: They sketch a nude hermaphrodite and suck face in a tunnel.

    I think your predictions are very accurate and humorous. :D

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  16. First of all, let me say that you are a much better poet than either Des or Drew Pavelka. Seriously, what minion got stuck writing that crap for those two. Also, I can't believe neither you nor IHGB has picked up that everything Des is shown by the guys or the producers in this fairy tale journey is "KEWL", reminds me of insecure Ashley every time she says it. Anyway, great recap. Glad the big palooka James is gone, now he and Mikey T can take their fabulousness to the streets of Chicago.

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    1. Sorry, meant poet Chris, not Pavelka.

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