Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Desiree Bachelorette Episode 7: Is Madeira End to the Boredom?

Hello, Readers.  Well, we’ve made it to the edge of Hometown Week and after enduring seven glorious episodes of Des pretending to be enthused I’m ready to see her brother go nuts next week.  Before we jump ahead, however, I believe a recap of this week’s episode is in order. 

First, I have some thanks to say.  For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know that Some Guy often gets hit up by various marketing folks looking to advertise on the site.  I used to be amenable to those emails but I had a couple return emails saying something to the effect of “we’re glad we can advertise on your site but we want you to tone down your content . . . blah, blah, blah.”  My response to those emails was simply to delete them in the name of maintaining my artistic integrity.  Besides, they weren't offering to pay me.  

I know.  I’m an oak.   

The other long time readers will also recall that I was once approached by a marketing company who wanted me to be the “Celebrity Guest” at the grand opening of the first Carl’s Jr. hamburger joint here in Austin.  I politely declined (thereby foregoing a free cheeseburger) and ended up getting a life-sized cut out of “Miss Turkey” delivered to my office anyway.  I’m still trying to explain to my receptionist why a life sized cut out of a twenty-something in a bikini holding a handful of lunch meat was sent to me.

You can imagine my surprise when I was contacted a few weeks ago by the wonderful folks over at Rounderwear (www.rounderwear.com) about giving the Jam Fit Lift Boxer below a test drive and then commenting on it.  Let’s just say that this little number keeps everything it touches securely in its proper area.  Of course, I ordered the large. Putting them on is a like stuffing a toddler into a sandwich baggie, but once in place everything stays . . .well, in place.  They definitely work as advertised.  Thanks, Rounderwear for trusting me with your unmentionables. 

Now, with the Amazing Count at an unthinkable 114 and the Journey Count at a not so shabby 30, let’s get to it.

We begin in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean near Madeira Island, Portugal.  I know that because Des’ voice over repeated the geography lesson she’d been given on the flight over by the weary intern tasked with kissing her ass and getting her up to speed on the local hot spots. 

She walks contemplatively along cobblestone paths in cork wedges and her 30 foot ubiquitous scarf in a pair of pants so tight I could have read the words “In God We Trust” on a quarter in her pocket.  Good Lord.  Were those things vacuum sealed?  I searched in vain for one of those Space Bag nozzles.  Her uterus was probably in her throat. 

Since James’ unceremonious departure, everyone is “falling in love” this week.  Amazing.  Remove the as*hole and everything smells like roses.  Harrison is nowhere in sight.  Frankly, I don’t blame him for sticking it out in Spain for a few more days.  He was probably in Pamplona for the Running of the Sluts.  Hell, he’s so Money I’ll bet he could go for a morning jog in Pamplona and the bulls would run from him.  

Three solo dates and one dreaded two on one date are in the mix this week.  Brooks dons some cut off jean shorts and Drew drones on about the city being “built for love.”  Whatever. 

In a rare honest moment this season, Des confesses that the “past few weeks have been brutal.”  Yea, all of that miscellaneous ass kissing, free pampering, and free exclusive mansions to herself must have been exhausting.  I think we’d all agree that the last few weeks have certainly been brutal for all of us.    

Three former (and jobless, no doubt) B’ettes, Catherine and her subtle post-engagement weight gain, Jackie and her hotness, and Lesley and her new hair show up for some booze and girl talk.  That 5 minute scene was about 5 minutes too long.  Frankly, I was appalled at the gawking, lewd comments, and lack of respect they showed the remaining men.  

The guys were basically paraded shirtless out to the local pool within binocular distance from the women and subjected to everything from “take your shirt off” to inquiries about who has the largest wedding tackle.  I know you think I’m overreacting but turn the tables on that one, would you?  Enough said.  At one point, Des refers to Zak as “reflective.”  Right, I thought.  He’s so orange he reflects sunlight.   Boring.

Brooks ditches the out dated jean shorts for some even more outdated maroon shorts, an Army green v-neck, and an oxford shirt.  Des shows up in some more inexplicably tight jeans and a flowy shirt.  After a cliff side drive amongst the majesty Brooks uses the word “pensive” to describe his feelings.  I was relieved that he wasn’t “expecially inexpressive” toward Des.  The only thing that wandered more aimlessly than that forced conversation was Des’ attention span from the road.  Was she hopped up on Madeira wine? 

Brooks comments on the “amazing mountains and deep valleys” he sees.  I struggled to determine of that was a not-so-subtle  Fantasy Suite metaphor or an actual description of what he observed.   He loses the v-neck along with his inhibitions somewhere above the clouds and he and Des revert to the old Cloud 9 cliché about Cloud 900 times. 

Incidentally, if I recall correctly, the term “Cloud 9” is derived from Buddhism.  It’s the 9th and ultimate of 10 States of Being of the Bodhisattva (that means ‘peaceful dude’ or something to that effect).  It is the point when all of his acts are unselfish and he is without any desire for anything else.  You know, sort of like Harrison in his Madeira Suite.  That Philosophy Minor of mine comes in handy from time to time.   

Cue the Spanish (or Portuguese) guitar, add a sparkly shirt for Des and an incredibly awful sweater for Brooks, and top it off with sprinkles of more Cloud 9 bulls*it and The date ends.  It wasn’t as good as his first date but it’s likely enough to get him into the final two.  Nice work, Brooks. 

Date Card. “Chris, Let’s sea if we can find love here.  Desiree.”  Clever.  I saw the play on homophones and I knew we were in for some more poor poetry.  Is it just me or does Chris look like Bob Saget?  Hell, I’ll let all of you decide. 

Chris and his Mikey T.-esque five o’clock shadow show up looking like Bob Saget if Bob Saget had been up all night trying to solve a murder.  They take a yacht ride to a deserted island after he rubs lotion on Des and she takes off her prodigious cork wedges to reveal her hammer toes.  He slathered enough lotion her to style Brooks’ hair for crying out loud.  She could have taken a nap on the sun and remained freckle free.

I’ll gloss over the rest of the horror that followed.  Watching them attempt to write a poem on that island reminded me of the scene in Apocalypse Now when  Willard approaches Kurtz’s camp from the river boat.  You know you’re in for something awful, but you’re not sure what it is or how bad it will make you feel.  Oh, the Horror. 

Chris really needs help with his poetry.  I listened intently to decipher the meter and the rhyme scheme.  I believe most of his work was written in Idiotic Pentameter; however, his couplets weren’t very heroic.  If he makes it to the Fantasy Suite I’m certain that Des will volunteer to help him straighten out his Longfellow.     Hell, she might even show him her heroic couplets.  Ahhh, English Lit. humor.  I love it. 

Dinner.  They have dinner, Chris drops this season’s first poorly timed and unrequited “I love you,” and yet another horrible poem is read.

Date Card.  Michael whines.  Zak and Drew on the 2 on 1.  

As soon as I saw Michael was granted the "wandering around the open air markets so ABC can spend more money on dates with guys who are actually going to stick around" date, I knew he was doomed.  Wearing the classic ironed khaki shorts and immaculate oxford shirt, they wander around and go Statement Necklace shopping as Des “that’s cooooools” whatever it was that Michael was blathering about.  

“This necklace will look great on me when Brooks ravishes me in the Fantasy Suite while you’re sitting at home crying into your iPhone asking your mother why I dumped you,” is what Des should have said.  Instead, she humors him all afternoon. 

By the way, the ironed combination of khaki shorts and fancy shirt with matching belt and sandals or boat shoes has been affectionately referred to as a “Boyfriend Outfit” by my friends and me since high school.  You know that outfit.  It’s the one that your buddy shows up in every time he’s out on a date.  It’s the outfit she picked out for him because she knew he’d look cute in it.  It’s also the outfit that all if his buddies relentlessly torture him about when she’s not in the room.  

Please don’t be THAT girlfriend (or wife), Ladies.  I can tell by the collective, worldwide moan I’m hearing that you don’t believe me.  Again, try the same test I asked you to try earlier.  Reverse the roles and picture you’re man coming home with arms full of shopping bags and telling you what you were going to wear to dinner.  

“But, but, but, Some Guy . . . “.  Hush. 

Don’t be that girlfriend. 

Dinner. Michael shares his dumped on Facebook story.  Geesh.  What could possibly be more humiliating than that?  Oh, I don’t know, getting blindsided on national television in front of millions of viewers who were all in on the secret before you were and then breaking down into tears before insisting that the camera guy in the limo on the way back to the airport loan you his phone so you can call your mother and cry perhaps?   If we had any doubt Michael was headed home Des “great guys” him before they listen to an aria by a drag queen in the town square. 

Great Guy = Great Seat on the flight home.

Date Card.  “Zak and Drew, I’m looking for a man that can make my heart race.”

Drew won the rose but only because he’s insecure and she knew she was keeping Zak.  I’ll (again) give Zak credit for handling the entire date with class (including respecting Drew enough to back off of Des a bit) in addition to losing the rose with more class than any guy in the history of the two-on-one date.  The guy has certainly won me over this season.  Dare I say he’ll be in the running for the next Bachelor?  He’s FAR more exciting than Drew and he’s much more likable than Chris.  Brooks will be busy pretending to love Des while sitting patiently in the Dancing with the Stars cheap seats, but Zak is more mature than him as well.  Go Texas.    

Chris packs his . . . giant yellow sunglasses?  What the hell was that?  As the men pack and suit up for the big Rose Ceremony minus much needed but not in the budget cocktail party, Des dons a teal curtain she made into a dress like the freaking Von Trapp nanny.

Harrison shows up.  FINALLY.  The Lair of Seclusion is outdoors this time.  He runs down the dudes and drops an “Is this over?” when asking about Brooks.  Clearly, he’s seen alternate footage but we all know Harrison knows what Harrison knows.   She denies it but blushes like a 50’s school girl meeting Elvis.     

 Chris’ pop collar on the grey sport coat should have sent him home.  I won’t even mention the suede elbows.  Suede elbows?  Is he an Economics professor?   The first two roses are doled out and for the first time in Bachelorette history Harrison fails to reemerge and “Gentlemen, Des, this is the final rose of the evening.  Des, whenever you’re ready.”  I was crestfallen.


  1. Drew
  2. Brooks
  3. Chris
  4. Zak


Michael (he looked stunned). 

Note to Des:  There’s no purpose in the “how special you are” talk after you kick a guy in the balls with no warning.  Oh, and don’t use the F word.  You’re a great “Friend” is the last thing a person in that situation needs to hear.  Just let him go after you just let him go. At least he got a roomy black van instead of a cab.

Well, there it is.  We head into home town dates next week and Des' brother makes his first creepy appearance (on camera anyway) of the year.  I can't wait.  Attached is a picture of Some Guy sans V-neck and ironed shorts on Lake Austin for the Fourth of July Weekend.  I had fun.  I hope y'all did to.  Take care.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be looking for a nice pair of heroic couplets.  DP


  1. Thanks for getting this up quickly this week. I need more analysis on how Des could break all Bach rules and say she was in love? I thought Fleiss/Mills put in their contracts not to say it until ATFR. and like you said, no OHCH at the last rose. Something is very wrong. Oh and I tweeted to Mills and he said the previews were for season and not this week's episode.

    1. Emily, remember the Rules on this show are like the spoon that the Asian kid in line to see the Oracle in the Matrix was holding. There is no spoon. DP

  2. Zzzzz-how you made such a boring episode humorous is testament to your ability to turn crap into Medeira wine. Other than the gorgeous scenery in Medeira, this was one of the most boring episodes so far.

    Sal in Utah

    1. Agreed. She's just not that exciting and neither are any of these guys, save Zak on occasion. DP

  3. "Please don’t be THAT girlfriend (or wife), Ladies. I can tell by the collective, worldwide moan I’m hearing that you don’t believe me. Again, try the same test I asked you to try earlier. Reverse the roles and picture you’re man coming home with arms full of shopping bags and telling you what you were going to wear to dinner."

    Some girls long for diamonds for their 10th wedding anniversary....others hope for a fabulous trip. For my 10th wedding anniversary, I dreamed that I would have replaced every article of clothing he had when I met him. :-)

    1. easycinderella, you married him to change who he is? I don't understand why it's even remotely appropriate for a woman to assume she "knows better" or even has the right to simply discard a man's belongings, clothes, habits, etc. in favor of her own when reciprocity is never given. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean he doesn't. I suppose that's a matter for another post. For today, anyway, it's nice to see you in the comment section. Thanks for reading. DP

  4. I didn't say change his personality just those crappy old running t-shirts. Who wouldn't?

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Sorry for the deletion. My wireless connection went out in the middle of my typing and my thought was not complete. See below for my response. Thanks for writing back.

      easycinderella, The ONLY question is "would he"? We'll have to agree to disagree. Do you realize that just as your possessions reflect your personality, those old running shirts reflect a bit of his? It's about as close to sentimentality as some men get. Then again, I'm sure that Cinderella insisted that her Prince do something about those dreadful pink tights as soon as he put the slipper on her foot. Sigh.....

  5. I love live tweeting with you and Lincee during the shows. Seriously, what does it take to have a tweet broadcasted on that show?? It's the least they can do for you as a blogger who has to endure this "amazing journey" towards the finish line.

    Des definitely is into the effeminate type. I think Chris would be better suited for her, but the poetry needs to go or atleast mix it up with a haiku from time to time. Personally, I like Zak. I'm surprised he could rebound like that after his chach intro. He would be a good next bachelor.

    Lesley would have been so much better of a bachelorette than Des. Des is becoming as inarticulate as Ashley H.

    - Dnormous

    1. Dnourmous, I wonder if her brother liked the effeminate type. I guess we'll see next week. DP

  6. Some Guy, I love your take on the "Boyfriend Outfit", very true. Fortunately for my husband I don't do that to him (too often, ha!). Some days I just shake my head at his fashion choices, not much else I can do. Nice to see your smiling face in this post. Speaking of smiling....why don't you ever show your teeth in photo's that you post of yourself? Or is that a question for a DP Tells All post? Thanks for the laughs DP, makes my day. -Cappy

    1. Cappy, I smile quite a bit. I just don't smile on cue very well. As for that picture, it was taken when my attention was elsewhere. If have posted multiple photos of my pearly whites on this site, including one of Lincee Ray and me, Barry Corbin and me, and a random guy in a bar who bought me a Lone Star and me. Seek and ye shall find. DP

  7. Thank you for the 4th of July picture. Disappointed you weren't in your "Boyfriend outfit". Just kidding. You look great. Thanks also for the news on the Jam Tight Fit Boxers. Good to know you ordered them in Large. LOL
    OMG, where to start today? You have such a talent for turning a boring 2 hour show into such a funny recap. You had me rolling with the comments on her tight pants and having her uterus in her throat. Classic.
    Of course Chris Harrison was running with the sluts in Pamplona until it was time for him to show up and debrief Des on her "Brutal Week". Yeah, it's a tough life.
    Since the season started I kept thinking Chris reminded me of someone. Yeah, Bob Saget!
    Loved the reference to the Von Trap family and her dress for the RC. Did you notice how the bottom of the train was all wet and dirty from walking on the hosed down pavement?
    Wow, Zak has been a revelation. I thought he would be gone the first night after his shirtless stunt. Now he is my favorite guy in the group. Who knew?
    Keep up the good work.

  8. Idiotic Pentameter indeed. That whole paragraph was hilarious. Chris' rose ceremony outfit was ridiculous.He seems nice enough though. Love it when you throw in advice and personal pics. Nice touch with the boxers and the mental picture of how they worked for you. haha

    1. ~Cariss, First, I still love this thing ~. Second, I've been trolling for DP Tells All questions. Send in a couple, would you? I'll throw in advice until you're ~blue in the face.

      By the way, if you ever start a competing Twitter site, you need to make that symbol your hashtag. ~carissrules


  9. The most troubling thing to me this week was Des and Chris consistently referring to "like" and "love" as adjectives, and deciding to come up with other "adjectives" like "skipping". I thought for sure you'd have something to say about that. It was all I could think about.

    1. Gretchen, Honestly, I've tuned it out at this point. Nitpicking all of the poor grammar will force me to lose sleep. DP

  10. Hilarious recap, as always.

    I think I was the only woman in America who still liked Michael. Yes, he was a little ridiculous, but I think he was hands down the best looking one in the group. And, I liked his outfit, though I would never make him wear it if he didn't want to! At least he didn't wear a headband on this episode.

    Do you not wear a wedding ring? Yes, my brain is trained to instantly look for/notice such things, even though I know you ARE married!

    1. Ugh. Women. Jessica, yes, I wear a wedding ring. However, when I'm wakeboarding or wake surfing (which is what I was doing the day that picture was taken by the SLF) I take it off and leave it on a safe place on the boat so as not to lose it in the lake.

      As I tell Mrs. Some Guy, I also take it off when I go to bars so I don't scratch it. That would be disrespectful.

      She LOVES that joke. Thanks for monitoring me. DP

    2. Love that joke :-)

  11. Oh Des. Falling for the ambivalent guy rather than someone who is fawning over you and proclaiming his love. OK, the poetry was horrendous and the attire even worse. (Turned up collar and elbow patched jacket? Really?) So maybe Chris is not the best choice.

    But Brooks? I totally get the chemistry thing. Truly, I do. But if it's off the charts so quickly, it's a huge red flag. I fear you have picked him and will soon be brokenhearted. Bet it's over by Christmas.

    I agree it's odd that ABC let Des proclaim her love with four weeks to go. It leaves the return of the crazy brother as the only thing to look forward to - except for your blog, DP.

    1. dp2, If Des is into ambivalence she just needs to call every person watching this show if she wants a friend. I've given up on analysis. It never helps. Like the Superbowl or a bout of explosive diarrhea I think it's just better to sit back and wait for it to happen. DP

  12. You're holding out on us. I happen to know there's photographic proof of the Rounderwear "incident."
    I haven't had access to a TV the past few weeks, but the recaps have been awesome, as always.

  13. Some guy, we both know if you still owned a Members Only jacket, the new Mrs. would be hiding that thing in a hurry. What if your Mrs. had married Brooks (no, not even feasible...)? Would she encourage him to keep that striped sweater for the long haul? I think not!

    1. First of all, I never owned one. Second of all, if I did and it was important to me, Mrs. Some Guy would not "hide it" or throw it away. Again, flip the tables. Mrs. Some Guy has some stuff in her wardrobe that I'm not especially fond of for whatever reason. It's more about preference than anything else. However, if I "hid it" or it mysteriously disappeared it wouldn't be fair to her no matter how much I felt I was "helping" her. Again, just because I don't like it doesn't give me the right to toss it away. For some reason, women usurp a man's ability to choose for himself.

      Your last sentence, I agree with. Telling me in a constructive way that she doesn't like it or suggesting another sweater or getting me a gift is a better way to handle it. Substituting her "better" judgment for my own is simply not fair and it's not fair in reverse either.

      This is a GREAT idea for a complete post. Congrats. In spite of our disagreement, you've inspired me to write. Healthy debate is a good thing. DP

    2. Also, I've consulted with Mrs. Some Guy about Brooks. Her response: "He's cute but his hair is too greasy and he's too feminine. He's probably nice but I'm not attracted to him."

      My response: "He's no me."

      No me indeed. DP

  14. OMG Some Guy...you make me giggle again and again! Love your man-crush comments about Harrison (and totally agree):
    "Harrison is nowhere in sight. Frankly, I don’t blame him for sticking it out in Spain for a few more days. He was probably in Pamplona for the Running of the Sluts. Hell, he’s so Money I’ll bet he could go for a morning jog in Pamplona and the bulls would run from him."
    Than the Michael comment..."What could possibly be more humiliating than that? Oh, I don’t know, getting blindsided on national television in front of millions of viewers who were all in on the secret before you were and then breaking down into tears before insisting that the camera guy in the limo on the way back to the airport loan you his phone so you can call your mother and cry perhaps?"...you're too much!
    I'm a little surprised you didn't mention Brooks "jogging" as opposed to Des being at the finish line, but we still have time!
    I'm from Denton (NO relation to the douche-bag from Denton) & come to Austin fairly frequently...think it would be hilarious to catch up w/you & Mrs. Some Guy in a bar...I've got to meet this woman. I bet she's great!

  15. DP, your first paragraphs before the recap show me that YOUR life is more interesting! But I found especially hilarious: (1)"I ordered the large"; (2) "Space bag before and after" illustration; (3) Zak - "...reflective...orange..." and (4) "...Oh the Horror!" But the rest were too many to enumerate here--these were simply over the top which is muy bueno.

    Also, The dozens of squealing "sooo cooooool"s indicate to me Des is as borED as she is borING.

    Good call (yours) on Zak, turning out to be one of the last Fab Four who seem to have a healthy camaraderie--competitive but not mean-spirited or hypocritical. Once the surpluses (though to me it was a mistake to oust the fino hombre Juan Pablo without a fair shake--in Spain and Madeira of all places for crying out loud!) were gone, the rest seem to act like a team--with a "may the best man win" attitude. I'd have sworn Zak with the shirtless bit would be either a show off 24-7 or a pain in the a** or simply another villain but he turns out to be my current favorite. He's unafraid to make a fool of himself and can laugh at himself, which makes him likeable. I too was impressed with his gestures and classy attitude on the double date.

    You get the impression they'll all keep in touch later. Hey, they're all in this together, may as well have good attitudes towards each other--especially on TV--it is noticed by everyone, even producers, when they see class being exhibited before millions.

    As for Brooks--well, Grease isn't the word here--Travolta maybe for the film but not this guy--he's not that attractive. He was reticent at first about her meeting his folks. Maybe if he meets her brother he'll wish he hadn't introduced Des to them.

    I think the nasty bro' is what turned Sean off of Des. What a jerk--maybe he felt threatened by Sean--a type that HE's not.

    As for smiling pictures, I love men who (like Nacho in the Polo ads) do not have to smile to show exuberance for life. It's sexier. You, for one.

    Speaking of the film Grease, we're all "hopelessly devoted to you..." For what it is worth I like your fourth of July outfit. You can wear anything!

    Macedonian Hussy

    1. Addendum: I should have said "they make a great team of rivals." Isn't that always the case--what ya should've said? The M. Hussy