Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bachelor Sean Episode 4: Do You Want to Taste the Torture?


Hello, Readers.  As always, welcome back to this week’s Bachelor rundown from yours truly.  With the Amazing Count at an unprecedented 59 and the Journey Count at a stagnant 7, we head into the jumbled mess that comprised Sean’s hunt for his potential fiancé and possible bride . . . eventually, one day, maybe.  That Amazing Count is like global warming for crying out loud.  It almost defies logic.

 

Like most of you (I’d imagine) I’m one step from abandoning this show.  I’m expecting Ted McGinley to sub in for Harrison in some tropical locale and oversee a shark jumping one–on-one date.  I haven’t been this disinterested in anything since the WNBA was founded.  Regardless, my commitments are my commitments and, like Amanda in a roller derby rink, I’ll gladly take one on the chin for you readers.  We all know how that worked out for Amanda this week.  Let’s get to it.     



 

Cue the Esteban guitar and Harrison’s “Last week on The Bachelor” voice over and we learn that we’re in for some rock climbing, roller derby, Rolls Royce, and, of course, a royal melt down from no one’s favorite prospective Fantasy Suite Finalist, Tierra.

 

Harrison wastes no time this week.  He leads off in his formal purple oxford which he effortlessly transforms into a piece of casual whimsy by leaving it untucked and keeping the cuffs unbuttoned.  Either that or he just rolled in late from some West Hollywood rave at Bieber’s mom’s house. 

 

There are 13 left, he tells us brandishing his naked ring finger.  He reminds us (for what it’s worth) that Sean is confident.  The remaining potential paramours anxiously await the Date Card in warm up pants and puffy wake up faces.  With the Date Card dropped, Harrison splits to meet Bieber’s mom for brunch.

 

Sean wakes up shirtless and in his boxer briefs, of course, and confirms what Harrison just told us.  He wants the girls to trust him and if he has to walk around shirtless in his underwear to drive home the point then, damnit, that’s what’s going to happen.  Sigh…

 

Lesley reads the Date Card.  Selma gets the date and Sarah simultaneously realizes that she’s about to have a lot of time on her hand.  “Let’s turn up the heat,” it reads.  Selma and her up do are visibly excited.  She goes straight from “I have to get ready for my first date with Sean” to “getting ready to have babies.”  The word “rational” didn’t scream to the front of my mind.  However, a big sip of Lone Star screamed to the back of my throat. 


Selma skips, everyone else broods.  Leslie cries again and drops some “right reasons” talk for good measure.  To be fair to her, the home sickness, lack of sleep, and abject boredom has to be getting to her at this point in the season. 

 

Sean shows up in pink knee length shorts and picks up Selma and her knee length bosom.   She’s hot.  Let’s just admit that.  We’d later be annoyed by various aspects of her personality but there’s no question she’s hot.  It was, however, impossible not to notice the sharp contrast between her mixed Middle Eastern coloring and features and Sean’s absence of pigment.  He looked like a light bulb next to her raven-colored mysteriousness and black yoga pants.

 

Obviously uncomfortable with the whole not knowing where she’s going aspect of the date Selma makes several attempts to trouble shoot.  She can’t dance, doesn’t have her 6 inch heels, (supposedly) weighs 110 pounds, and can’t stand the heat.    She tells us that she’s “trying to put 2 and 2 together.”  FOUR, I said, thankful that it wasn’t Daniella or Lindsay who was selected to complete an exercise in simple addition. 

 

The private jet lands at what looked like Area 52 and Selma is none too pleased.  Neither was I.  This “where are we going” segment was way too long.  Based on the canned pre-production shots I surmised they were at Joshua Tree State Park.  I looked for Bono and The Edge.   



 

Selma tells us that she’s from Iraq but hates the heat.  It’s a damn good thing Sean rented a yellow Jeep then.  She immediately starts to bitch about the desert.  They pull up to an empty state park.  What is he, a serial killer?  I half expected him to open the tailgate and pull out a shiny new shovel and some duct tape. 

 

Selma hates the heat again and is not thrilled about the rock climbing. She “hates” heights.  “It’s out of her comfort zone.”  Translation:  She’s high maintenance. Listening to her complain the first 3rd of the way up that stupid rock was a beating.  I have some male perspective on that, but I’ll wait a moment to dole it out.    For the most part she did a good job holding her tongue after her initial complaining.  That makes sense considering the fact that where she’s from a person can get it cut out for saying the wrong thing.

 

Here’s some free male advice.  If you love 6 inch heels, being treated like a princess, hate the heat, the outdoors, and the feeling of perspiration on your perfumed and powdered skin then tell a guy that UP FRONT.  The same goes for anything (or any act, for instance) that you will be unwilling to do (or perform, for instance) the second a wedding ring is placed upon your delicate finger.  In the real world, intentionally doing something to make a person act a certain way and then reneging after that person has acted to his detriment is called fraud.  The only rock Selma is likely to climb from here on out will be located in the Fantasy Suite.  I digress.       

 

I’ll give Selma credit for doing well on the “out of my comfort zone” date.  She rallied but her distaste was apparent to Some Guy’s laser-focused eye.  They have dinner in a trailer park and drink chardonnay out of stemless glasses on an outdoor futon. 

 

Despite the fact that she’s been walking around in skin tight clothes with her hooters on display for Sean and the entire crew in addition to wearing a gallon of make up and six inch heels around the mansion, Selma lets us know that she can’t kiss Sean.  You see, she grew up in a very conservative, strict home.  She is (or was?) a Muslim and she can’t kiss him.  Brutal. 

 

Unfortunately, that would be a deal breaker for me.  She’s old enough to make her own decisions and if her parents are going to dictate what she does on a dating show I can only imagine how real life would be.  If, in fact, her religious objection is real then she’d be better off finding someone with a shared belief system.  Marrying within one faith but different denominations is difficult enough for religious people.  Marrying between different faiths is a bigger challenge.  That might be a discussion they want to have before meeting with Neil Lane.   

 

She’s not exactly a “traditional” Muslim, however.  I’ve never seen six inch heels protruding from beneath a burka. Skin tight, revealing clothes, alcohol consumption, and being fondled in a trailer park by an infidel are ok, but a kiss is not?  You can’t spell “Hot Muslim” without S.L.U.T.  I’m not a Muslim but I’d think some of them might agree with me. 

 

Regardless of the apparent duality of Selma’s existence, she does seem like a decent person.  Religious belief is a very personal thing and it’s clear that she respects her parents and (presumably) her core beliefs.  The whole thing struck me as hokey, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.  Did I mention she’s hot?  She gets a rose.  She deserved it.    

 

Group Date Card. 

 

Daniella assumes the reading duties in her blue statement necklace.  That necklace, by the way, looks much better on me.  

 

 

 

I’m certain the date cared was spelled out phonetically.  “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches,” it reads.  Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashlee, Sarah, and Tierra get the much maligned Group Date. I was happy to see that Sarah was not left empty handed.   

 

Catherine, the resident Asian, is excited.  Tierra is predictably pissed.  Amanda was actually smiling this week.  It was comforting to know that she finally got her medication right.  The girls take to double fisting mimosas…well, all except Sarah.  Lindsay opines that they are probably going to get into giant hamster balls and roll down hill.  She’s so dumb.  Everyone knows hamsters have tiny balls.  Annnyyyhooo. . .

 

Sean, the first Bachelor to single handedly resurrect the fleece industry, meets the girls at yet another mystery location.   Sarah mentions having one arm (One and a HALF! I yelled) . . . again.  She can roll with the punches she tells us . . .one at a time anyway.  More about Sarah later.   

 

It’s roller derby time and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who realized that this was a horrible idea.  AshLee is terrified.  After all, it’s difficult to personally organize while avoiding elbows.  Tierra is excited and Amanda remains medicated.  So much for Tierra’s “neck injury.” 

 

Poor Sarah.  Look, I know we all want to see her treated equally, but man, this was a bit over the line.  Sean clearly felt like a dick and there was nothing he could do about it.  True to her character, AshLee comforts Sarah by helping her personally organize her elbow pads.  Sarah was understandably upset.  Good Lord, and I thought putting Emily in a race car or on a private jet was mean.  This was a new low, even for Fleiss. 

 

I was grateful to see Amanda smack her chin.  It took a lot of the focus off poor Sarah.  That’s not the first time she’s been hit in the jaw with something hard, I thought.  She tells us that she has a tough time opening her mouth before some dude who looked more like Dave Navarro than a person with medical knowledge sends her to hospital. 

 

I hope that injury heals before Fantasy dates, I thought.  After a terse conversation with the ABC Legal Department, Sean shuts down the game and calls a couple skate to Journey.  Ahh, Memories.  It's too bad there wasn't an 80's band named "Amazing."   

 

The girls ditch the dyke-wear for shorty short dresses and head to the cocktail party at (where else?) a rooftop bar.  AshLee and Jackie look great, as usual.  Tierra starts to melt down.  Sarah gets stolen away.  Sean tells her that he “respects her a lot.”  That means she’s headed home soon. 

 

Amanda shows up fresh from the ER dressed like a piñata.  She takes advantage of her opportunity to spend time with Sean.  Nice work. 

 

Tierra and Robyn start off.  Tierra tells us that she’s “fuss-trated.”  She’s dressed like Ann-Margret.  I was distracted by AshLee and her leather pants. 

 

Tierra storms out and talks to some producer while Sean is making out with Lindsay.  Tierra explodes into a Tourettes tantrum.  She’s being “tortured.” 

 

She makes her “I just can’t do it” speech to Sean.  Water boarding is “torture.”   Having one arm and being forced to put on roller derby gear and live with the prospect of having your only arm broken by an angry lesbian is “torture.”  Living free in a mansion and sunbathing for a month is not torture.  Frankly, I don’t know why Sean talked her off the ledge.  He should have pushed her off. 

 

Based upon his drama hating reaction to Kacie I was certain this was Tierra’s swan song.  Much to my shock, Sean grabs the coveted Date Rose and heads off to reward Tierra for her tantrum.  She’s likely to get along famously with Kensington and Smith.  Even Lindsay knows what’s going on.  He’s an idiot.  Must he reinforce that behavior? 

 

Ding Dong. 

 

Desiree gets the Date Card.  “Leslie H., Could this be forever? Sean.”  The card comes with some free diamond earrings.  The women gawk over them and Daniella craves alcohol. 

 

Leslie is “super duper” excited and obnoxiously giggly.  Sean shows up in “his” convertible Rolls Royce in a purple plaid shirt and a grey vest looking like a valet parker more than The Bachelor.  Leslie ignores the lack of a roof showing us her wide open mouth.  I was waiting for her to get a bug in her throat.  She looked like a freaking baleen whale feeding on plankton for God’s sake. 

 

Leslie gets the Pretty Woman shopping spree date.  Sigh… That movie was bad enough the first time around and now I’m forced to relive it?  At least she’ll have some prizes to take home, I thought as I watched her drop tons of annoying catch phrases like “holy moly,” “holy whatever, Batman” and “super duper.” 

 

Sean tuxes up and they go and see Neil Lane.  He looks like Paul Anka.  Neil loans her a a fancy statement necklace he lost in his annual Liquor in the Front and Poker in the Rear card game with Harrison. 

 

Send her home already, I begged.  He should have dumped her before she read him her entire autobiography.  Sean adds a sizeable insult to injury when he takes back the Neil Lane loaner before shoving her into a minivan.  Ben Taylor, whoever he is, was going to sing for them.  Boy, I’m sorry we missed that, I thought.   Unfortunately, he sings anyway.  Back at the mansion Daniella opines that Leslie gets to keep the diamonds.  Sean broods on a balcony but falls short of crying.  Ben Taylor sucks.  Leslie was a bit quirky but seemed nice enough.  She’ll find a dude eventually.    

 

On a side note, it does appear that Sean is sincere about planning for his future.  Normally, a man plans his future by buying a couple extra cases of beer at the grocery store, but Sean seems ready to settle down.  He’s not a very emotional Bachelor as far as crying on balconies goes, but he’s at least taking the “journey” seriously.  

 

Cocktail party. 

 

Sean shows up in his gray suit and gives a canned, preemptive speech about coming to him with questions.  Whatever.  “This is going to get harder and harder and harder,” he tells us.  I presumed he was referring to the selection process and not his phallus. 


AshLee gets one on one.  She accepts his compliments and a kiss and wisely avoids the Tierra controversy.  It’s always nice to see a girl who has reviewed the game tape prior to coming on the show.  As I’ve said before, I like her a lot but she’s not going to win. 

 

Robyn wants to grab his attention—and apparently appall all of us.  Do you want to taste the chocolate?  Which chocolate?  Please.  That was horrible and, unlike Selma’s profession of purity, it didn’t do a lot for the whole “diversity” theme this season.  I’m certain even she felt ridiculous. 

 

Lindsay, Daniella, and Desiree talk about Tierra.  Too bad there were only one and a half brains in that conversation.  Tierra talks to Amanda.  She’s such a pain in the ass and I’m sure she’s making it difficult for everyone behind the camera.  “Bitch, you have a rose. Sit tight,” I said.  Man, was I fuss-trated. 

 

Tierra pulls Jackie and Robyn aside and begins with what appeared to be an apology (albeit an insincere one) and then proceed to make it all about her. She’s not a nice person.  Jackie wisely holds her tongue.  She’s smart enough (unlike Robyn) to realize that it’s useless to discuss anything with a self-centered mess like Tierra.  Man, Jackie is pretty.  I wish she’d show some personality.  To be fair, that moment was not the time for it.   

 

As women in groups are prone to do, they rehash the entire conversation.  Daniella, bless her heart, observes that Tierra is “man-IP-you-LAY-tive.”  Combating Daniella’s tenuous grasp on the English language, Catherine, the resident Asian, drops a “Tierrable” to describe her.  Nice work.  Prediction:  Catherine will rally big in the next couple of weeks, make it to the Fantasy Suite, and likely win the whole thing.  She’s done a nice job of smiling furtively in the background to date but appears ready to make her move.  She strikes me as smart and capable.  Then again, she could be sent packing next week. 

 

Sean meets with Tierra who does some damage control proving that at least she’s smart enough to recognize that she’s a freaking tornado. 

 

Catherine wisely checks herself before she wrecks herself by not being too critical of Tierra in front of Sean.  She’s clearly learned a Kacie lesson.  She gives him a lipstick card from her thong.  Sean unknowingly tips his hand by seeking reassurance from Catherine that he is not in the “Friend Zone.”  Solid work, Catherine. 

 

They walk away from the patio so as to avoid the harsh gazes of the other broads.  She tries to crawl up his nose until he’s finally forced to give her yet another bad kiss.  Those shoes were ridiculous.   She looked like an Asian Minnie Mouse.  Regardless, it was a solid showing.  

 

Harrison shows up with his naked ring finger.  9 more roses left.  Sean hands them out.   

 

1.      Tierra

2.      Selma

3.      Catherine (Solid foundation for a Fantasy Suite run)

4.      Desiree (she’s tailed off but is still in Sean’s good graces)

5.      Lindsay (she’s dumb but must smell nice)

6.      Lesley (had a really bad make up week)

7.      Robyn (I guess he does want to taste the chocolate)

8.      AshLee (fading but making a respectable appearance)

9.      Sarah (literally living hand to mouth.  Her time is limited.  She did well though)

10.  Jackie (I’m rooting for her to rally but I don’t think it will happen)

11.  Daniella (last in line for a rose and the IQ contest)

 

Gone:  Leslie H., Amanda

 

Well, there it is.  Episode 4 is gone and we head into Episode 5 and 6 next week.  Lord, that may be my undoing but I’ll try and get both recaps up in time.  If you haven't noticed I added a "Search" bar to the blog in addition to my Twitter button.  I'll be officially Tweeting beginning next Monday but go ahead and follow me if you're apt to do that sort of thing.  Until next week, take care of yourselves.   Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section, please.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be throwing a tantrum until I get a rose.  DP

59 comments:

  1. Baleen whale feeding on plankton? Best line ever.

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    1. Linznoel, I write what pops into my head. Glad you enjoyed the imagery. DP

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  2. Selma can pose topless on a boat in front of a bunch of men (YouTube Selma Alameri) but mommy won't let her kiss on TV.
    Sean is a nice guy but boring. I wanted to see horndog Arie beat Blob's record. Think of it as Bachelor meets Bachelor Pad. It's two-two-two shows in one. I feel sorry for the bloggers who have to watch this garbage. I skip most of it and just read the recaps.

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    1. anon, oh, don't feel sorry for me. My wounds are entirely self inflicted. I'll YouTube away and see what I can find. DP

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  3. Liquor in the Front and Poker in the Rear...priceless.

    Well done, as always! I hope you're wrong about AshLee though. She's my favorite and I hope she "wins". I'm pretty sure she was the one to skate over and give Sarah a pep talk and helping hand at the roller rink and I respected that. It would have been a lot easier to ignore Sarah and just be happy to have one and a half fewer arms to compete with.

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    1. Jessica, Nice jab at the end there. It's a bit cruel considering the fact that Sarah is not adequately armed to defend herself. AshLee was the one who talked to Sarah. You are correct. Thanks for enjoying the filthy puns. DP

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  4. The picture of you in the blue necklace is priceless. Totally unexpected. I try to control my laughter at work but that one did me in. And the talk of the 'infidel' and 'S.L.U.T.' were great. We need Jeff Dunham and Achmed the Dead Terrorist in the background yelling 'SILENCE....I KEEL you'. Good job as always!

    Cindy from Hoover, AL

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    1. Now Cindy, I'm not trying to turn this blog into a Holy War. I was merely pointing out the incongruity in Selma's no kissing stance. I'm thrilled you liked "my" statement neckless. All of the credit goes to my friend Vivian who coughed that up after a few drinks. DP

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  5. Thank you, Anonymous, for the You Tube alert about Selma. I already had found it odd that she wouldn't kiss because of what her mother believes...doesn't say much about girlfriend's ability to be her own person, since either she believes it too and is hiding behind her mother's religion rather than standing up for her own beliefs or she's a "grown-ass woman" (to paraphrase the most-immature Bachelorette suitor ever, Chris Bukowski) unable to stand up to her mommy. Now, with the video, we add a third possibility, of the no-kissing thing all being an act so she can stand out, or whatever.
    None of those options says good things about her ability to be in a relationship.

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    1. Anon II, good points. She's likely another Courtney in a Persian disguse. I think the "my mother" thing is a ploy, however. Her mom would have shut the naked tennis shoe modelling down way before this show if she had that kind of pull in her daughter's life. I think your third possiblity is, most likely, the correct answer. DP

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    2. She also dated Mike Napoli of Texas Rangers for about 1.5 years. They apparently broke up just before her coming on the Bachelor. Amazingly convenient, right?
      Her profile is still on

      'http://www.playerwives.com/?s=selma+alameri&.x=0&.y=0'

      Kind of hard, if not impossible, to square this image of her with the self-projected 'strict Muslim' she's trying to sell Sean on. It is clear to me that Selma is a fame ho' who will do anything for attention and screen time. And if she can do it without too much effort on her part, like kissing the bachelor, so much the better.

      But bit@h is absolutely gorgeous. And she can't take a bad picture if she tried.

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  6. Excellent recap as always - Ben Taylor is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon - he's got talent - although picking him to sing on this episode reinforced that it was a "pick who you want to send home" date. Shocking - I like to believe this is all reality!!!

    Terry Ann H

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    1. Terry Ann H, Thanks for the clarification. You're correct, the second Leslie heard about the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon being chosen she should have stocked up on all the free earrings and shoes ABC would allow. At least she left with something she can pawn. DP

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  7. I look forward to every Tuesday during Bach season---you cannot bail on us, DP! You should host a meet and greet--I would totally roll into Austin for something like that.
    PS: Love the photo--You are smart, witty and handsome with boyish good looks. Mmmmm...and sigh.

    AshLee is my favorite but she won't "win".

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    1. Thanks, considering that's a terrible likeness of me. I'll take it where I can get it, though. DP

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  8. With a possible stress fracture in my foot and this being the anniversary of what would be my dad's birthday, this was exactly the laugh I needed today. Thanks, friend. As always, you rock. And I'm following you on Twitter now. Even less reason to watch the show! :) Have a wonderful day!

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    1. Mal, I'm glad I could provide levity today. For what it's worth, I found out I have a stress frature in my knee last week. I have to cut way down on the running for a while. Also, as a 20-something you're a lot more in the know about Twitter. Be patient! I'll start tweeting on Monday! DP

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  9. The statement necklace becomes you, DP. If you show a little more cleavage, Sean will give you a rose.

    I'm always amazed that you can do so much with so little. Minds out of the gutter for one second. I'm referring to your ability to come up with fresh jokes and humorous observations despite the tired, repetitive Bachelor scripts.

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    1. dp2, I'll work on the clevage. Actually, I was planning on filming myself paddle boarding on Lake Austin with the statement necklace on. Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting. I hope you're well. DP

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  10. DP, you always amaze by coming up with such funny stuff out of an otherwise boring show. Best line of the blog "Neil loans her a fancy statement necklace he lost in his annual Liquor in the Front and Poker in the Rear card game with Harrison." I was laughing out loud.
    Sean pulled a Mesnick after sending Leslie home, dropping the rose down the balcony was pretty cheesy.
    Don't know how much more I can take of Tierrable and her tantrums. Is Sean that short sighted? When a girl tells you she doesn't like drama, she DOES!
    Keep the one hand jokes coming, childish but very funny.

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    1. Yes, he's that short sighted. I'll work on some more handless humor for next week. I'd hate to disappoint. DP

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    2. Don't miss taking a look at Selma's video. I just watched and thought "And you can't kiss a guy on TV?"

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  11. Love 'your' statement necklace! ;-)

    You're on Twitter? I've only recently starting using Twitter more for a 'public' profile and scaling way back on my Facebook 'friends' to people I actually well etc. You'll get the hang of it. What's your "Twitter name"?

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    1. Cara, I'm still figuring out the Twitter thing. I'm "SomeGuyInAustin". That's all I know right now. DP

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  12. I actually have some sort of aversion to this Bachelor Sean - just dosen't do it for me in any way (at least with Ben I could make fun of his wimpy hair)and so I haven't really watched any of the episodes except the first. I have faithfully read every one of your re-caps. Begging you: PLEASE DO NOT EVER stop your hilarious reviews.

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    1. Well, thank you, Mary. The SLF feels the same way about Sean. For her, it's his coloring and his blatant inability to kiss. I'm certain that seeing me everyday has an effect on how she perceives all men as well. My glowing personality makes the sun look like a 45 watt bulb. Thanks for commenting. DP

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  13. Who else noticed how good Selma's nails looked after her climb. I am guessing one of the people we saw wandering around the ground was a nail technician. Gee and I will lay all over you on national TV but not kiss you-what the?
    Can they come up with more horrible group dates where the girls stand a chance of really getting hurt? How about combat bowling? Oh, wait, I might have just given this sleazy crew an idea!
    Gee and Tierra cries that she hates drama? Only when the camera is on her. Love the line "I don't know why Sean talked her off the ledge. He should have pushed her off."
    Also love "He looked like a light bulb...." and "everyone knows hamsters have tiny balls".
    Blue green is definitely your color -that necklace really brought out your eyes -hilarious photo. Thanks as usual for the laughs.

    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal, Thoughtful and insightful as usual. I'm praying for a Jell-o wrestling date before the end of the season. Pray with me. DP

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  14. I expected the title of your blog to be Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. It struck me that Leslie was a little 'too much herself' on the date. She didn't really try to class it up any and speak with a little more finesse. I am glad Sean sent her home because I didn't see a connection either. Can you imagine if Tierra had been given the Pretty Woman treatment. Ye gads.

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    1. Bonnie, you put it much better than I did. She was way too giggly and nervous and definitely crossed the line into self-embarassment. Sean was tactful (well, in spite of repossessing the Neil Lane necklace mid-curb kick) and made the right decision. DP

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  15. Oh man. I am still laughing after reading this 30 min. ago. The poker game title, the free male advice, the whole paragraph of the Tierra "I just can't do it" tantrum, the Sarah jokes, the whale, your necklace. You made my day, for sure. I was thinking I needed a do-over until I read this. Thanks much!
    ~Cariss

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  16. The only thing that's keeping things interesting is that next week will be the third week in a row the ambulance comes. Really?!?!?
    The statement necklace pic is fantastic!

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    1. Oh, and yes...Sal...I noticed Selma's nails!

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  17. I died laughing at "you can't spell Hot Muslim without S.L.U.T." and "one and a HALF!" Excellent work. Speaking of the "one and a half" thing...does anyone have any theories on why Sarah is constantly reminding us about her arm? Is it just bad editing? Or has her life been such that she really thinks of nothing else (sad if that's the case)?

    P.S. Your bubble necklace is lovely, DP.

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    1. krista, the ONLY reason I'm at peace with my arm (or lack of an arm)jokes is because it's mentioned every third word. I'm also at peace with it because she's a really nice person, albeit a bit boring. Hopefully, this show won't psychologically scar her forever. Oh, and thank you for noticing my statement necklace. You're right, it is lovely. DP

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  18. First of all, that baleen whale joke was incredible. Truly an amazing journey under the sea.

    Secondly, it was even funnier because I heard Amanda say on a talk show today that Leslie H. would walk around the house randomly asking the girls, "Hast seen the White Whale?" Apparently she frantically searching for Sean's Moby Dick.

    -McDude

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    1. McDude, I'm thrilled you loved the marine mammal reference. Like Tom Brady to his receiving core, I try to spread the joke distribution. I wasn't aware of Leslie's odd whale fascination, but thanks for bringing it to my attention. DP

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  19. How hysterical would it have been if Selma had shown up for her one-on-one date in a burka? This show needs to inject some humor! Perhaps you could apply to the show...as a writer?

    Ah, Bono, so young.

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    1. I'm just happy Sean showed up for that date with a shirt on. For the record, the Joshua Tree came out in March of 1987 which would have made Bono 26. His real name is Paul Hewson. I'm a big fan.... DP

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  20. AnonymousJanuary 30, 2013 at 12:11 PM
    Great recap, as always DP. Just a quick FYI - Ben Taylor is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon. He sounds just like dad, lol!

    Thanks again for the great recap..you have a way of making this perfectly boring season a bit less un-boring. And I thought Ben's season was bad..geesh!

    Dianne in Toronto

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  21. Great recap, as always DP. Just a quick FYI - Ben Taylor is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon. He sounds just like dad, lol!

    Thanks again for the great recap..you have a way of making this perfectly boring season a bit less un-boring. And I thought Ben's season was bad..geesh!

    Dianne in Toronto

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  22. When whazzername got the diamond earrings before the one-on-one date, I thought,"Nice parting gifts!" In each season, it seems there's one guy/girl who the producers say, "Pick someone who you think is really nice but don't want to keep here," and they get a tremendous date that ends with "I was really hoping to feel a connection, but ..."

    And little hamster balls. Cracking me up!

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  23. "Which chocolate?" That cracked me up and made me gag a little at the same time, DP!! Great post this week.

    I totally agree with you about Jackie. She is really cute. She is exactly like Jennifer from Ben's season: red hair, very pretty face, and not much personality.

    So, I find it interesting that these bachelors are STILL sporting vests! I remember Brad wore a vest on his shopping date with Shawntel, and Ben wore one on a date too. Must be the same stylists every season who put these dudes in terrible outfits.

    Selma's "no kissing" rule reminded me of Elizabeth on Jake's season. She had the same rule and I remember there being a cheesy forehead kiss because of it...?

    Man, this season is so painfully boring. Thanks again for taking one on the chin for us.

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    1. hartamber, Harrison even jumped on the vest wagon this season. Odd. I forgot about Elizabeth. Not because she's not attractive but because I try and block out all Pavelka thoughts. DP

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  24. Dear Some Guy: First, the Neil Lane take-back is straight out of Pretty Woman. (Remember the night at the opera?) Nothing new under the sun.

    Second, you can't abandon your post. Blame the laws of physics - "for every action..." - as you have become our collective equal and opposite reaction. If you stop watching, who knows what havoc your absence might wreak?

    Sorry dude. Some are called...

    Deb in WeHo

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    1. Deb in WeHo, I never saw Pretty Woman, however, one of my closest friends was a producer on the movie and worked with Julia Roberts for 9 years. She's still getting freaking checks in the mail (big ones) from that movie. God only knows what Julia Roberts is still getting. If you haven't read it already, search "The Notebook" in the blog search and read my take on that movie. There is no justice. DP

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  25. Dear guyinaustin,

    My friends Maddie, Jess, Sarah, and I think your blog is even funnier than our own Monday night commentary (and we consider our Soul Surfer jokes pretty hilarious.) We would like to invite you to our weekly viewing some week this season (pizza and accommodations provided.)

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    1. Friends, Soul Surfer has exactly 1/2 an arm less than Sarah but the reference is solid. Normally, when an invite is extended it includes a location and, in my case, should include some Lone Star. I'll be announcing a meet and greet and a watching party in Austin in the near future. It's still in the planning stage. Stay tuned! Thanks for reading. Hang Ten. . . or 5. DP

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    2. Lone Star is a can do. We're in Little Rock, AR. Probs too far to travel, but the offer still stands. We could even invest in some of those awkward loveseat lounge chairs.

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    3. Noted. If I'm ever in Little Rock, I'll drop you a line. It's good to know that Lone Star is available there. I'll have to take it off my "no travel" list now. Enjoy the show...and the blog. Thanks for the invite. DP

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  26. I am sorry I have not commented until now. I just woke up from the coma that show has put me into. Ugh. You really are the only reason I watch. Thank you for making it somewhat worth it.

    I thought when you said Sean is "single handedly resurrecting the fleece industry", there would be a Sarah joke. You're slipping... On the other hand, I might just be an awful person.

    Can't wait for next week's 12 parter!

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  27. Love the necklace!

    Robyn reminds me of that girl from Ben or Brad II's season, I think her name was Emily? She was working on her PhD and liked to rap. Both smart women who try way too hard, resulting in serious awkwardness. They also both struggle to resist the girl drama.

    Am I the only one who was a bit disappointed that we didn't actually get to see Amanda fall on her chin? I mean, we had to watch poor Sarah tumble about 20 times. Gotta hand it to her, that must've been tough! Two thumbs up!


    -ksvb in Ottawa

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  28. Dear Guy in Austin,
    Thank you for making my boring 12 hour shift worth it! You are too funny! I will be back! Thanks for the laughs..

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    1. Kerry, I'm always thrilled when readers admit to reading this at work. It's my passive-aggressive way to get back at The Man. Glad you enjoyed it. DP

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  29. I know this is late, but best blog EVAH! So many LOL moments. My faves: All Bieber mom jokes, Sarah having a lot of time on her hand (never gets old), Paul Anka as Neil Lane, not the first time Amanda got hit in the jaw with something hard, just to name a few!
    This week was actually action packed. Some random observations:
    You wore the hell out that statement necklace. Selma is definitely suspect at this point. I"m guessing her push-up burka was at the dry cleaners? I was impressed with Sean's ability to climb over those dangerous crevasses--and those were just the ones between Selma's breasts! I thought Sean was going to give us a full on Mesnick after he sent home Leslie, but he only pulled a half-Mesnick with slo-mo rose drop--tricky but not quite the degree of difficulty we've come to expect.
    Can't wait for the double episodes this week and of course, your commentary. Looks like Tierra is being chased by the smoke monster!

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    1. I enjoy reading the commenters almost as much as I do DP's blog. Often the commenters are quite talented. This seems to be the season for it! DP can't help but inspire others--yours is one, scraptordelight! It is a--un--delight to read. (aka Macedonian Hussy)

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    2. Oops--typo!!!I meant "uhhh- not "UN-"delight!

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  30. Your reply to Hartamber echoes my thoughts: "...I try and block out all Pavelka thoughts." Great post as always but can't decide which of the hundreds I liked the best. Maybe "pushup burkha.." But--DP, that necklace is you!

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