Sean Episode 5: This Goat’s Milk is Baaaaaaad.

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Episode 5 which, apparently, is nothing more than a precursor to Tuesday’s Episode 6.  As dumbfounded as I am about ABC scheduling choice, I’m more confused about this season’s obsession with cattiness and first responders.  The ambulance has showed up more times this season than at a Charlie Sheen pool party for crying out loud.  Ambulance schmambulance.  They need to call the police and mix in some sort of standoff that ends with Tierra getting a Taser straight to her ample cleavage.   

 

It’s so obvious that the hours upon hours of film taken this season yield little usable footage beyond petty bickering and Sean’s gratuitous Bowflex workouts.  The cache is so unusable that the normally dormant Harrison came out of his Lair of Seclusion like some well-dressed Punxsutawney Phil peeking out of his hole in order to determine the length of the Bachelor season.  He’s been forced into major camera time.  At least ABC knows when to play its ace, I suppose.  

 

Before we begin in earnest, I’d like to give a shout out to two of my most loyal readers.  The first is laurap from NYC who sent me a message last week saying she had something to send me.  Normally cautious, I confirmed that the aforementioned item would not be ticking and provided an address for her to send it.  Lo and behold, two days later I opened a package and discovered that I am now the proud owner of a genuine “Breathe if You’re Horny” hat.  I’ll provide some photos of me in the hat in the next post.  “Thanks,” laurap. 

 

The second shout out goes to Mallory, my twenty-something reader, who was kind enough to give an old(er) man some Twitter advice.  Thanks to those of you who chose to follow me on Twitter and thanks for Mallory for the tips.  Incidentally, I now understand that the past tense of “Tweet” is “Tweeted.”  That’s good to know.  It explains the strange looks I got from people this week when I told them I’d been “Twatting” a lot.  Annnyyhooo. . . .  With the Amazing Count at a suggestive 69 and the Journey Count at an appropriately unlucky 13, let’s get to it. 

 

We begin with Tierra acting like the snotty little brat that she is.  Flights, buses, and mountains set up the two day event in breath taking Montana.  Harrison leads off in his untucked oxford.  11 women (21.5 arms), 1 One-on-One, 1 Group Date, and 1 dreaded Two-on-one date await them this week in Whitefish, Montana.  Here’s a picture of me in Montana.

 

 

 

The best part about the big “you’re traveling” announcement Harrison made to the ladies was two-fold.  First, the women could barely contain their disappointment when they realized they were A.) Going somewhere in the United States and, B.) heading even further North of the Equator.  The second best part was the close up on Daniella’s vacant face.  You could literally see her wondering where Montana was and hoping that the yellow summer dress she’d packed for the exotic location trip was geographically and seasonally correct.  Tough luck, Daniella.  Tough luck. 

 

Sean arrives early to self-reflect a bit in a Buddy Holly plane.  He misses the women in his rugged underwear shirt but looks forward to “roughing it in the outdoors.”  Right.    The women arrive, whoooo hooo The Lodge at Whitefish Lake, and  “So” everything . . . well, everything before Selma finds the date card.  She opens it without kissing it while AshLee organizes everyone’s thoughts. 

 

“Lindsay, Let love soar. Sean.”  Frankly, it would have been funnier if they would have spelled it “SORE,” but I suppose they’re saving the homophone jokes for the Fantasy Suite dates.  Realizing she’ll have some extra time on her hand, Sarah combs the phone book in search of a half priced manicure (or was it a two for one?).    

 

Lindsay tells us that she’s on top of the world.  I presumed (and not unfairly, I think) that Lindsay did not mean that she was excited about the date.  She actually believed that Montana was literally on top of the world.  Sarah has half an arm and Lindsay has half a brain, apparently.  Incidentally, I noticed that “Sarah” has an HA but not an ND.  It also has an AR but not an M.  “What an odd coincidence,” I thought.  Odd indeed.    

 

Sean shows up in his Montana-appropriate flannel and Lindsay does the same in her seasonal winter boots.  “Is that a helicopter?” she asks.  I waited for her to follow it with “No, really, is that a helicopter?”  Presumably, Sean explained to her that it was, in fact, a helicopter. 

 

Glacier National Park tour.  Picnic at Blackfeet Indian Reservation.  Make out in the meadow in the freezing cold weather.  Nice date.  That looked cold.  I immediately thought about The Highlander and his wife in Scotland.  Remember that movie?  Incidentally, Chistopher Lambert, the guy who played the Highlander, was married to my lifelong crush, Diane Lane.  She dumped him when she became aware of my existence. 

 

 

 

Back at the lodge under a giant moose head they drink by the fire as a lone rose waits nearby.  Lindsay tells Sean that she doesn’t know what brought her there.  Presumably, Sean explained to her that it’s called a “car.”  Lindsay like explains that like her Dad was like totally in the like Army and that it was like super scary when like he went to like that far away sandy place that’s like SO far from the top of the world like where she is right now.  Sean pretends like her like Army brat story is like good and gives her a rose.  Since when does “My Dad’s a General” equate to “I was born without an arm?”  Whatever.   

 

One more surprise.  The entire town of Whitefish (and a bunch of ABC extras) shows up to see Sarah Darling, whoever she is.  Apparently, she’s huge in Whitefish.  They platform dance awkwardly and Lindsay drops “He’s very good looking on the eyes.”  Sigh….  She can't even cliche correctly.  She’s. So. Dumb.   By the way, no, that’s not real country music.   Harrison must own a piece of her record label.   

 

Knock knock. 

 

AshLee rushes to retrieve the Date Card.  “You make my heart race, Sean.”  Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Leslie, Robyn, and Daniella get the big Group Date.  After thinkin’ real hard the girls surmise that Tierra and Jackie have drawn the dreaded Two-on-one date.  Tierra knows (and so did all of us) that she can beat the heretofore personality-less Jackie. 

 

Seasonal vests, scarves, and knee boots abound as Selma perfectly executes a Jillian-esque leg wrap jump greeting.  Granted, it was incredibly slutty to lead with her hoo ha, but it wasn’t a kiss so she won’t burn in hell.  I immediately tried to write a joke for that thing she was wearing on her head but for the life of me I couldn’t even think of what to call it.  Awful.    

 

Harrison stands waiting with goats.  It’s time for the Montana Wilderness Relay.  Teams of 4 will complete a canoe race, hay carry, saw through a log, and a milk a goat.  To “win” one of the team members must drink the goat’s milk straight from the goat.  Desiree announces that she will gladly down warm salty fluids to hang out with Sean.  Notwithstanding my temptation to simply list all of the warm goat’s milk jokes that popped into my head, I jumped to my first practical thought.  “I think you need two hands for all that stuff,” I thought.    

 

The winners stay and the losers go home.  Everything that was said sounded dirty.  True to her promise, Desiree chugs the milk and her team wins.  Boring.  I prayed that the goats would escape making it necessary for Harrison and Sean to stand in their stead.  Then I realized this was ABC and not VH-1.    

 

The winners head to Casey’s bar which has been pre-lit in true blue light Bachelor fashion.  Sean bends the rules by sending Harrison to the house with his  5 o’clock shadow and naked ring finger to retrieve the losers and invite them to the party.  “Good idea,” I thought along with the rest of you.  Here we go. 

 

Ashley, Daniella, Catherine, Lesley show up at the party in spite of not having chugged the goat’s milk.  Harrison invites Jackie and Tierra back to his lodge for a drink and a pillow fight.  Fifty bucks says he invited one of the goats too. 

 

Daniella, also a few miles short of a full intellect, announces that “this is not a competition but it’s a race for him.”  Tomato, tamahto, I guess.  Tierra is pissed and immediately writes in her diary,

 

“Dear Diary, Writing in a fake diary worked for Courtney last season so I think I’ll try it now.  The Lodge is one story so I can’t fall down the stairs. 

 

Love, Tierra. 

 

P.S. (Remember to Google ‘hypothermia’ when I get back from being a bitch.).” 

 

Back at the bar, Selma won’t kiss anyone but swears a bunch and talks in the third person, neither of which will send her to hell.  Sean reassures the women.  Robyn pouts.  Tierra shows up in flannel.

 

Desiree remains bummed that the losers got to show up.  Look, I’ll give her credit.   She chugged warm goat’s milk straight from the goat.  How many of you think she’s ever going to live that down when she eventually gets sent packing?  Hell, Lance Armstrong will live down his recent troubles sooner than that.  AshLee shows up  to make a personally organized speech filled with clichés.  Sean kisses her to shut her up. 

 

Knock knock. 

 

Ugh boots and flannel shirts.  Lindsay, gets the Date Card and like reads it.  “Tierra and Jackie, Love is a wild ride. Sean.” She also like reads the note from like Chris Harrison  “Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes.” 

 

Sean gets some time with Catherine (she’s going to win, by the way).  He carries her down the street and they snuggle like hobos on various benches and alleys.  

 

 

Daniella, in her unseasonal yellow (see, I told you she had no idea where Montana was) refuses to break up the cuddle session. She cries before getting some of her own one-on-one time and ruining it by crying. Sean listens to her and eventually kisses her snotty face. I’d rather drink goat’s milk. Sean hands out a placation rose to Daniella.   Robyn is pissed off and we all realize that February is indeed Black History Month. 

Get it?  She’s history?  See what I did there?  Annnyyyywhooo . . .   

 

Two on One

 

Tierra and Jackie pack their bags and reiterate the rules.  Jakcie dons her  Ubiquitous 30 foot scarf and about 30 pounds of eye liner and mascara. . . each.  Tierra acts like a C-word.  Sean re-loves Montana in his cardigan sweater before riding up to meet them on a  white horse.  Please.    

 

Tierra does her best to impress Sean by sitting on the saddle horn.  Jackie has trouble working the horse. 

 

Jackie makes the Cardinal Mistake of the two-on-one:  She talks trash about other girl on the date.  Poor Jackie.  Sean was clearly bored and Kacie got sent home for the same thing . . . well, that and being desperate.  Jackie does her best to pour goat’s milk on Tierra.  Being that girl on the two-on-one is like being the first slave out of the tunnel at the Roman Colosseum. 

After an odd dinner back at the lodge Tierra drops a dead boyfriend from rehab story for good measure.  She's flustered (oddly enough) with both her “feelings” and her “emotions” which we assume bear some distinction in her own crazy mind.  Whatever.  It works and Jackie gets sent back behind the Sephora counter with her eye makeup and fake white doctor’s coat. 

 

Sean “great girls” Jackie while walking her to the hearse.  “NOW is the time to pile on, Jackie,” I thought.  She apparently thought better of it and ended up losing with class.  She clearly wasn’t heartbroken.  She’ll find a nice dude behind the retail counter at Dillards.  She cries a bit.  I liked her a lot, but if I’m honest, she didn’t do much to impress me and, more importantly, Sean.   She does the cover the face cry in the car and  Tierra rubs it in.  I can’t wait for her to fake like she almost freezes to death.    

 

Cocktail party. 

 

Grouse Mountain Lodge.

 

We realize that everything in the entire state of Montana is made out of a dead animal.  The stuffed heads watch in awe as Sean shows up in his limo.  I meant the taxidermied animals and not the women just in case you were wondering.  He pretends to be excited about the remaining stragglers by giving another canned toast.  I’m going to apply to this freaking show as a Toast Writer/Dance Instructor.  Good Lord.  The entire thing is a giant cliché.   

 

Speaking of inanimate things that are prepared, stuffed, and ready to be mounted, Tierra melts down . . . again.  Robyn loses her cool and vows to go “Bad Girls Club” on her.  Some of the “ladies” confront her but Tierra stands her ground like a Honey Badger.  She’s not about to get “Threh-end” even though she’s “fuss-trated.”

 

Lesley gets a one-on-one and inexplicably fails to take a direct invite from Sean to unload on Tierra.  Mind boggling. 

 

Harrison shows up (mercifully).   The tension mounts, albeit vaguely.  “Certain things have come out” about “some of the girls here.”    

 

Sean spends some time with Harrison and Harrison’s naked ring finger venting in the  Lair of Seclusion while comparing Limo driver neck ties.  Harrison listens while simultaneously counting his fat paycheck (minus child support and spousal maintenance, of course.)  Harrison feigns concern.  Sean has heard a lot, we’re told, about Tierra’s awfulness but he’s so confused at the lack of evidence.  Too bad there’s not hours and hours of video tape he can review in order to….oh wait. Never mind. 

 

Harrison sets up the Rose Ceremony.

 

1.      Lindsay (defies explanation)

2.      Daniella  (She’s gone soon)

3.      Tierra   (She is too)

 

4.   Selma   (She should have kissed the goat)

5.   Catherine (She’s going to win)

6.   Lesley (seems to have lost interest)

7.   AshLee (top three but she won’t win)

8.   Sarah   (Sean kept her at arm’s length this week)

9.   Desiree (looks better without the bangs but is stalling quickly)

 

Out:  Jackie and Robyn

 

Well, there it is.  I’ll do my best to get Tuesday’s episode up quickly but, man, that will be tough.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be making goat cheese.  DP