Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Fantasy Suites: Time to Thai the Knot

Well hello, Readers.  Yes, Some Guy survived his week-long ordeal.  All I’m allowed to say about it is that we ended up with a great result for the clients.  I’m glad it’s over.  Trial work is a taxing, exhausting experience and the best you can hope for is a favorable resolution to the case.  Fortunately, that happened here.  


I appreciate those of you who sent well wishes and encouragement.  Hell, I even appreciate those of you who sent self-interested tweets and emails encouraging me to drop my life and simply post a recap.  It’s good to feel needed, I suppose.  One of you told me to “stop tweeting and come back armed with a recap.”  Brutal.  Poor Sarah got elbowed out weeks ago and you’re still making jokes about it.  Between her and Pistorious it’s been a rough ride over the past few weeks.  If only he’d been unarmed.  I tried to think of a joke but, frankly, I’m stumped.  Annnyyyhoo. . . .


Actually, that’s not entirely true.  I have a few Sarah jokes I’ve kept under wraps in anticipation of my return to the blogosphere.  Let me just preface this by saying that her departure was literally the saddest thing I’ve seen on the show.  Ever.  It was impossible not to feel badly for her.  She’s a lovely, attractive woman who’ll find that certain someone eventually.  


Ok, here goes.  


You know it has to be tough to be single like Sarah and try and build a life.  I know she wants to buy a house and put down roots.  She should really look into an Adjustable Rate Mortgage.  She’d really benefit from an ARM.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say Sarah will be happy one day.  It was difficult to see Sean give her the stiff arm like he did.  Alright, enough with the Sarah jokes.  I doubt she would find any of these jokes the least bit Humerus.    



With that out of the way, let’s get to Put Out or Get Out Week. 


Cut to our forlorn, brooding Bachelor roaming the beaches of Thailand in search of purpose in his turquoise tank top.  He broods in his tank top, broods in a hammock, broods by a fountain, and generally broods around the resort grounds.  Sean tells us that Thailand looks “like something out of a movie.”  We presume he means a movie about Thailand.  Regardless, he broods some more before recapping all of his “relationships” with Catherine, AshLee, and the dimwitted Lindsay.  He was as red as a baboon’s ass, by the way. 




Date Time with Lindsay.


As she is accustomed to doing, Lindsay shows up in heat.  Sean is “blown away” (an expression I found apropos for the Fantasy Date) by Lindsay who sports some sort of skirt get-up and immediately begins doing what she does best:  sucking face with Sean.  Frankly, I couldn’t fault her for relying upon what got her to the fantasy round.  She’s dumb but she’s not oblivious.    


They go to the local market where Lindsay opines that when she and Sean finally marry their “normal vacations will be just like this.”  Right.  Shopping in open air markets and eating bugs in Thailand.  Bless her heart.  I mean that literally.  Her heart should pump harder in order to feed more oxygenated blood to her brain.  Looking at her is like looking into a flashlight whose batteries are just about to fail.  You can smack her against your palm all you want, it’s not going to make her any brighter.


After looking at some Thai knick knacks and whatnots they wander to a cooked bug stand in search of nourishment.  Sean immediately proves what we already know:  Lindsay will try anything.  She eats a bug.  Big deal.  I’m sure that’s not the first time she’s put something in her mouth that she was unsure about in order to impress a guy.  I envisioned her getting some sort of chemical repellent poisoning from the bugs and being forced to have a liver transplant as a result.  Come to think of it, that wouldn’t be a big deal.  After all, there’s no way Lindsay’s body would reject an organ.  Annnyyyhooo . . .     


Incidentally, there was a girl I grew up with that was (bless her heart) about as intellectually gifted as Lindsay.  She was a sweetheart and was rather “gifted” between the neck and the belly button, if you know what I mean.  I cannot tell you how many times during our 4 years of high school she fell for the “I’ll bet you a dollar you can’t touch your elbows behind your back” joke.  Teenage boys are horrible.  Back to Lindsay.    


Filled with crunchy exoskeletons, they retire to Yong Ling Beach to feed the monkeys; all of whom outsmarted Lindsay.  As I watched a half-naked Lindsay relate to the primates, I finally understood what Sean sees in her.  After all, Dumb and Agreeable looks pretty damn good next to Broken and Controlling or Independent and Asian.  The patent nymphomania is like the (busted) cherry on top of the sundae. 


Lindsay tries real hard to find the perfect words to convey her undying love to Sean in time to capture his tri-torn heart.  She confidently offers, “I absolutely have everything open.”  Wow.  That’s up there with Gia’s “you want to eat my salmon?”  I’ll give her credit for trying.  Lindsay doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit”.  Then again, she doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.  I’ve used that joke 3 times in this blog and it keeps getting funnier every time I use it. 


Lindsay and Sean enjoy a light dinner and some wine before opening the Harrison-crafted Forgo the Foreplay card inviting them to an all night make out session in the Fantasy Suite.  Of course, Lindsay is in.  Again, I can’t fault her for keeping “absolutely everything open.” I assume that statement included her legs.    


A bunch of Thai dancers show up in traditional costumes and perform the local mating dance in anticipation of Lindsay and Sean’s night together.  You know Harrison invited a couple of those Thai chicks back to his suite after having a few pops in the beach bar. 


Date with AshLee. 


AshLee shows up in her white mesh Wes Hightower shirt and white Daisy Dukes.  She lays it on thick.  Really thick.  They take a voyage in a phallic boat around phallic rocks.  Subtle. 



Sean makes a wonderful decision when he decides to bring the control freak to a undersea cave.  Notwithstanding the giant cave in front of them (again, very subtle), I think we were all understandably distracted by AshLee’s giant fake cans.  Good Lord, those things were like ears on a Mickey Mouse lollipop.  She may have a fear of abandonment, but those things aren’t going to abandon her any time soon.  I felt comforted that if Sean’s raft got punctured in the cave that he and AshLee would both have adequate flotation devices.   


After another series of metaphors for life AshLee and Sean reach the secluded beach and talk forever literally about NOTHING.  She also says she won’t put out in the Fantasy Suite.  Booooooo.  Sean pretends he’s fine with her unwillingness to poontang it up in the Suite.  He “wants the time to be alone with no distractions.”  Right, like his pesky erection or those giant fake melons she’s been shoving in his face all day.  Whatever.


In perhaps my favorite Bachelor moment ever AshLee drops “I’d like a cushion ring with a band with diamonds all the way around and I’m a size six and a half.”  I actually broke from tradition and rewound that part three times.  For those of you sitting in anticipation of an impending proposal from Mr. Wonderful out there, here’s some free advice from Some Guy.  Don’t do that.  Being confident is one thing but trying to name your ring is like stepping up to the plate and pointing over the right field fence.  It might have worked once (allegedly), but it won’t work for you.  If some dude is going to go out and buy you a diamond, do him a favor and appreciate it, would you?  Sean knows she’s headed home so that little faux pas failed to grab his attention.  Poor AshLee.  We all saw it coming, didn’t we?


But first . . . Catherine date. 


Sean and Catherine jump on a boat and enter Thailand’s well-known yearly boat race:  The Poon-yatta Regatta.   We try to listen to what she and Sean are discussing but are distracted by the stark contrast in their coloring and nationalities.  I tried to picture sunburned blond Thai kids but couldn’t do it.    


True to her competitive Asian spirit Catherine shows off her cans as well.  Granted, they weren’t as impressive as AshLee’s, but they were nothing to shake a Thai stick at.  They make out on the boat and Sean proves that he still needs kissing lessons.   Where’s Arie Loveadyke when you need him?


Proving more cautious than the others, Catherine lets us know that she “cares a lot” about Sean.  She implies that she “might” put out in the Suite.  It’s always the one who is the most non-committal that gets chosen.  In the end, Catherine’s smarts and maturity will win out over Lindsay’s well, whatever it is that Lindsay offers.    


Catherine again implies that it’s “on” if Sean will sweep her away to the Suite.  We assume she hopes that her fellow countrywomen have washed the Lindsay and AshLee off the sheets prior to her arrival.      




Before he can whisk Sean away to the Lair of Seclusion, Harrison pays some ABC bills with an odd Wizard of Oz promo.  The cross-pollination of shows is an annoying trend that I wish would stop.  Come to think of it, cross-pollination is appropriate for the Fantasy Suite episode. 


Harrison and Sean meet in the Lair of Seclusion which has taken on a Thai flare beyond having a picture of Catherine in it.  Sean views the Private Video Messages and we all know it’s over for AshLee when we see Sean’s reaction to her video. 

Let me say this about AshLee.  I honestly hope(d) that this experience is a step up instead of a regression back into her obvious childhood issues regarding abandonment.  She seems like a genuinely nice person who was blessed enough to find incredibly decent people to raise her.  I felt like she, more than any contestant I’ve ever seen on this show, really did “put herself out there” (to keep with the standard cliché nomenclature) in an effort to win Sean over.  At some point, she forgot there were two other women competing for Sean.  Sean clearly felt awful about sending her down stream but I think he probably made the correct decision. 


Rose Ceremony.   




Gone:  AshLee

She looked Pissed Off.  REALLY pissed off.  I found that disheartening in light of my paragraph above.  She looked like Medusa for crying out loud.  I was hopeful when I saw her finally shed some tears in the limo. 

Let’s hope she’s put that moment in its proper place by the time the Women Tell All episode airs. She’s proven herself capable of trying to get past some pretty serious issues. Let’s hope she goes the rest of the way. On the positive side, she gets to wake up with those boobs every day. Hell, if I had a pair of my own like that, I’d never leave the house. 

Well, there it is.  Next week is the Women Bitch about Everything Episode and the following week is the THREE hour finale—the first two hours and 50 minutes of which is filler.  It’s nice to be back.  Thanks, as always, for continuing to show up here each week.   Take care of yourselves and the people around you.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be brooding in my turquoise tank top in search of a cave where I can park my boat.  DP




  1. Nice to have you back, we've all missed you, and I will say, it's a good thing Ashlee wasn't carrying a sharp object last night when dear Bachelor let her go. She looks like she could have cut his heart out. Good decision on his part.

  2. I think Ashlee went out strong!! No, crying,begging or pleading. Way to go girl. Never let them see you cry. On a side note--DP have you ever seen/heard of "Burning Love". It's a hilarious parody of the bachelor/ette---you have to check it out!
    Also, I've missed your sparkle, glad you're back.

  3. DP...that you have a real job and have to be so smart is hot...not inconvenient. AshLee was full of rage and planning Sean's murder on the way to the car. She should have knee'd him in the nuts just before getting in because of the way he lead her on. Pleasers can be so cowardly...he went overboard with the affirmations too many times just to have something to say. Poon-yatta Regatta...LOL!!!! You are a funny, funny man. Keep up the good work. Lisa/CLT

  4. I thought AshLee kind of looked like an Angry Bird. Of course I also think she had every right to be PO'd. I found it interesting how Catherine was upset that AshLee didn't say goodbye, after Catherine was also so upset when Lesley was kicked off. Seems she cares more about the other girls than Sean sometimes!

    Oh and I think Catherine's Filipino. And Sean's a born again virgin, no? But recapping fantasty suite dates isn't quite the same if you include that detail. :)

  5. Congrats on the outcome of your case!

    As usual, you had some hilarious takes on what we suffered through last night but I have to say that Poon-yatta Regatta was my favorite. Poor AshLee but it's obvious that her issues about being abandoned are not over by a long shot. She looked ready to lose it when Sean let her go last night.

    Can't wait to see the Women Bitch About Everything episode and find out Des, Leslie and AshLee are doing if they show up.

    Sal in Utah

  6. Welcome back and great job on another notch in the ol' briefcase. Can you combine lawyerin' and bachelor jokes?
    Well, anyway...I appreciated the flotation device reference and was right there with you for the final cushion cut nail in AshLee's coffin. I have to say I'm underwhelmed by the remaining two, but I guess I must say I'm rooting for Lindsey. Hello, the girl in the wedding dress wins and crazy is given hope everywhere!
    Regardless of the outcome, you will see my friend M and I hanging out at the Capital Pub in Dallas in about 6 months. She's in love and I'm ready for my wing woman job and we all know someone who will be available!

  7. You are right. We all saw Ashlee's elimination coming long before the video messages were played. Bless her heart. Comparing Lidsay to a flashlight was my favorite, because you know we all smack a flashlight as it's dying. Poontang it up was also hilarious. Good to have you back!!!

  8. i have to say- she was quite classy.
    she knew there was nothing more to say.
    she had the upper hand and i thought it was quite fair of her.

    also- how smart she was to see sean is looking for playful.
    interesting since she can't see the playback of it. quite intuitive.

    she's attractive, smart, and strong.
    she'll do well.

  9. I was expecting a heartbreaking exit from AshLee, kind of like the meltdown she had in her "I love Sean" video. I wasn't expecting Satan in a sundress. I literally thought AshLee was going to slap Sean's sunburn right off his face.

    I agree with one of the Anonymous posts up there. It was weird that Catherine was so upset over Sean sending Lesley home that week, and over AshLee this week. I don't think she's honestly in love with Sean or looking to settle down. Then again, I'm not too sure Lindsey is 100% either.

    AshLee most likely would have been the most completely devoted and loving wife, but her up-front constant issues presented a Tierra-like need for attention that Sean probably didn't want to put up with for the rest of his life.

  10. I think AshLee was the only chance of Sean finding long-term happiness. I think Sean will get bored with Lindsey and realize she is too young, and Catherine will bore of Sean and end their courtship. However, the red flags were obvious to all of us, including Sean, in regards to AshLee. She came across almost too eager and desperate--no chase (and we know how much men like the chase and pursuit). Thinking back, maybe Des really would have been the best choice for him, even though she isn't the prettiest of the bunch.

  11. AshLee was way too invested in this "relationship" from the beginning. Didn't she realize there were 24 other women? I saw red flags several weeks ago, she was taking it too seriously and she is very clingy. I wish I would have counted the number of times she said "abandoned". Yes, I understand about her traumatic childhood but she was lucky enough to find some very loving and caring parents. She obviously needs more therapy if she is going to be happy and move forward.
    Wow, I couldn't believe it when she specified what type of engagement ring she wanted and even gave her ring size. What a way to scare a guy away.
    Although she was ticked off at the end, I thought her departure was a good one. What was there to say?

  12. AshLee said that Sean's love "fixed" her when she was "broken". That's too much to put on your partner.

  13. That recap was both "amazing" and "awesome"! So glad you and your eyebrow are back to make the final legs of this journey. Your arm jokes keep on coming long after mine have dried up. You totally STUMPed me on where you were going with the mortgage/ARM joke (a joke btw that while a tad circuitous, was hysterical). All jokes about Lindsay, especially the flashlight comparison, were outstanding! I have a feeling she's been passed around at a couple of frat parties if you catch my drift.

    Anonymous is right--Catherine is half-Filipino, not Thai. Reason enough for Sean to pick her. My husband is Filipino and most of his family is bonkers, but boy do we have some cute kids! Catherine's genes will cut the translucency of Sean and their kids will be even cuter than his niece and nephew, Sloan and Kettering!

  14. DP, you had so many good ones in this recap it would only be redundant to put them down here. You never fail to get it right and ARMED with that ironic humerus--er humorous--way, you will gain only more fans. I know you are a bit young to do this yet (I think of Julia Roberts writing her memoirs long before she is old enough to really do so) but someday you will--I see it happening--write the book that is in you right now. Or is it that sixpack underneath the mesh shirt a la Scott Glenn? Who cares--you're the reason most of us watch Bachelor/Ette shows. Macedonian Hussy

    Well, waitaminnit--being kind of Greek I do appreciate the Medusa observation and I notice, from the lack of Tierra mention, that anything on the subject of her, it is where it belongs: the archives on Mt. Athos being chased by some hens. Never ran into such a strange sociopathic person, even Courtney can't catch up--

    Anyhoo, as Marcus Aurelius said, "DP, you're the son I should have had. Now give an old woman a blanket."

  15. Awesome, glad you are back!

  16. Thanks for coming back and now fearing it was really AshLee stalking you on Twitter. But our other favorite recapper, Lincee, is up with hers so what's taking so darn long? Your job is interfering with our ability not to do our own jobs. - Fans

  17. So this comment has more to do with the Women Tell All episode, but am I the only one who thinks AshLee is a psycho after watching her the other night?!?

  18. Loved the flashlight reference! Funny post as always, DP :)