Hello, Readers. Welcome back to the next installment of Emily’s overly optimistic search for a normal guy with no significant issues. Monday’s episode featured some Bachelorette franchise staples such as poor dancing, roller coaster riding, office building wall climbing and subsequent metaphoring, and emasculated men crying—albeit in an alley rather than atop balcony. It also explored some new territory, including but not limited to steroid enraged monchichis, a new take on feminine attire for men, abject early-season ball busting, and a couple of guys unwittingly eliminating themselves from the hunt. All in all, Emily maintained her composure fairly well and I managed to make it through without consuming additional Lone Star Beer. I know you’re anxious for the breakdown. Let’s get to it.
We begin with a shot of Emily’s free horse and end up in Emily’s free house where her mother brings her a free breakfast in her free bed in her free bedroom as Little Ricki embodies our collective disdain for the situation by remaining outside the prying eye of the camera. Emily’s mother proves she’s been smoking for the better part of her life by highlighting the sandpaper in her vocal chords and talking Emily about the upcoming day.
In the meantime, the men sit around the MAN-sion in feminine t-shirts watching the veins in Ryan’s neck slowly begin to swell like the small fissures in the Earth’s crust near
a few hours before erupted. We’ll get to him and his Hulk-like
transformation later in the post. It’s amazing
how much the Hulk’s hairdo looks likes a Monchichi’s hairdo, isn’t it? Mt.
Perhaps paying his own silent tribute to the troops on Memorial Day,
Harrison appears in some sort of
odd pseudo military jacket thing and announces the rules we all know prior to
dropping the date card we all expect and hightailing it off the grounds to make
his tee time with the governor.
Stage fright Charlie ignores his well-documented fears of reading aloud and being in front of an audience and reads aloud in front of an audience. "Love is a steady climb,” the Date Card reads and Chucklehead Chris is thrilled to get the big date.
Incidentally, I hope all of you appreciate the irony that Charlie is the first contestant in Bachelor history who actually avoids balconies rather than seeking them out in order to cry off of them. If only one of Jake’s balconies would have been built by the same subcontractor that built Charlie’s friend’s balcony I wouldn’t have had to endure seeing that A-hole intermittently prance around my television screen for the past two years pretending to be a pilot.
Chucklehead packs his bags, proclaims that it’s his “time to shine,” and heads out to meet Emily and her Motorcycle tank top in downtown
. They “so excited” each other before strolling
“aimlessly” toward some place called “Mint.”
I’ll skip over this portion of the date except to say that if you’re
really enthralled with what Some Guy might write about this sort of thing, just
open up any of my previous posts in any other season where this exact date has
taken place with the exception of the location.
The best and most Fifty Shades of Grey-esque line was inadvertently uttered by Chris when he noted that Emily “looks unbelievable in a harness.” Amen, Chucklehead. Amen. They climb the wall, high five, and head to dinner while the guy with the boom mike sits there questioning his career choice and praying that the lightening storm moving through downtown won’t find the end of that long metal pole he has to hold in order to capture meaningless conversation. You could almost hear “Dear Lord, please don’t let me go out like this,” coming from the inside of his cranium.
After some small talk, Chris proves he’s certainly one of the more mature guys in the house in addition to reassuring Emily that despite being 25, he’s aware of what he’s signing up for—a “package deal.” Frankly, I was impressed with the way he handled the situation and I’m not so sure that Emily wouldn’t do well to get a guy his age with a desire to commit rather than chasing down another 40 year old boy like Womack with severe commitment and self-involvement issues.
That’s not a judgment on 40 year old single guys. My point is that 40 year old single guys are usually single that long for a reason. I understand Emily’s attraction to an “older guy,” but younger might be the way to go for her. I’m just sayin’. Of course, this logic doesn’t apply to certain well-established, handsome, athletic, and charming attorneys in
who may or may not be interested in her.
Annnnyyyhoooo . . . Austin, Texas
After dinner, they stroll “aimlessly” again and happen upon a Luke Bryan concert. In light of the impending appearance by Dolly Parton—one of the most prolific songwriters in music history and one of the best pure singers to ever grace a stage—I think it’s an appropriate time to differentiate “pop country” from real “country.” Luke Bryan—in a word—sucks. There’s like 50 of that guy on the radio right now. He performs both of his songs about speakers going boom boom while invoking every redneck stereotype imaginable as Chris bears the fruits of his labor by attempting to dance with Emily, eventually getting permission to kiss her. Eventually, the velvet ropes are lifted and the adoring crowd of locals is allowed to enter the dance floor after being given strict “don’t’ touch the talent or you’ll deal with the full wrath of ABC” instructions. Nice work, Chucklehead. Nice work.
Back at the MAN-sion, Tony the Lumber Guy breaks the rules by using a cell phone to call his kid and Jef manages to find the Group Date Card in the absence of a doorbell ring. He wasn’t about to give up, let anyone down, run around, or hurt anyone. He wasn’t going to make them cry, say goodbye, or desert them.
Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, Wolf, Micheal, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis get the "Let's play. . . " Date Card and we begin to see the set up for Tony’s epic meltdown unfold.
After seeing the canned flying geese footage for the third time in three episodes, we see the standard striped shirt, baggy shorts, Reservoir Dogs-esque chump walk toward a football-bearing Emily in the park. Ryan’s veins subside for a bit at the thought of hearkening back to his football days as he still remains under the impression that commitment minded women view physical prowess and aggressive behavior as the top two qualifications in a husband. No one has the heart to tell him that only sluts do that.
Ryan opts for the black t-shirt like Linus from Peanuts opts for his blanket. Beefy Doug and Sean lay back choosing to survey the battlefield rather than jumping into the fray of swinging dongs vying for Emily’s attention. Doug also goes black t-shirt—although it appeared that he washed the thing in hot water—as an effective cancellation of Ryan’s black t-shirt. Ryan pretends not to notice.
By the way, if that little coincidence happened to the women on the Bachelor, one of them would cry an the other one would have to go home and change while the other women comforted the crier insisting that she bought the outfit first and that it looked better on her.
Jef laments his puffed up hair and lack of a puffed up chest. The guy literally looked like he was 10 years old on the playground minus the Astley hair. Emily meets her less-attractive, yet fiercely loyal frumpy mom friends and lets them know they’ll be screening the men. Two of them appear mildly amused and ready to have a bit of fun with the exercise while the one we will come to know as “Wendy” froths at the mouth relishing the opportunity to demean multiple members of the male gender. Let the ball busting begin.
Emily breaks the news to the guys and Alejandro immediately regrets the pink v-neck and diamond stud earrings.
Let me summarize this little exercise. Push ups, dancing, and monkey tricks seem to be the ultimate test for a qualified husband according to Wendy. I'm sure some of you were laughing at this segment, but the man-hater had me pissed. I'm sure her emasculated husband was at home doing whatever his handwritten list told him to do (and ultimately would be done “wrong” in Wendy’s eyes) in addition to watching their child while she attempted to castrate some more men. She was unnecessarily condescending and I have to say that I would have told her to head back to her house and boss her own husband around rather than jump through whatever hoop met her fancy.
Think I’m overreacting? Just reverse the tables. You think that segment would ever happen on the Bachelor? Picture a group of men getting a hold of 25 nubile, anxious to please bachelorettes in the park and being given a license to ask them questions like that.
Touch your elbows behind your back
Can you stand and hold your breath while your head is between your legs?
Do you put out on a first date?
What are you willing to do in the Fantasy Suite?
Do you have hot friends for us?
The list goes on. Bottom line is that I didn’t find that bit “fun” or “playful.” Wendy took a little too much pleasure in her ball busting role. Thankfully, a group of kids shows up and we all pray that the men have been properly screened through the North Carolina Sex Offender Database in addition to that fat guy with the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t. No surprise, the dads do well and guys like Alejandro half-ass it while trying not to mess up their Armani Exchange t-shirts.
Ryan gives up on the kids and comes and talks to the girls. Wendy continues to be a pig, but Ryan one ups her by telling Emily “if you got fat, I'd love you just not on you.” Nice, douchebag. Look, we all know that we don’t want our significant other to balloon up like Elvis in 1977, but that’s not something you lead with during the nascent stages of a courtship. Perhaps the Gamma Rays coursing through his bloodstream clouded his judgment. We wouldn’t like him when he’s angry….
Emily removes her “mom clothes”—if only every mom dressed like that—in favor of a gold mini-skirt and a silk top. We head for the VIP lounge at Butter Night Club where she makes a toast before sipping on a Michelle Money sized glass of Chardonnay. She talks to Sean. He hasn't dated in over a year and gives her the "my parents are in love," "my family," "my future," “my faith” speech being sure to include everything she likes.
Note to single women: Sean is probably a nice guy. He seems sincere. However, that little “my life is perfect and I haven’t dated in a year because of it” speech is a red flag. That usually translates into “you will never meet my expectations” or “I’m a secret homosexual and I can’t tell my parents” situation. Let’s hope I’m wrong in this case.
She next meets with Beefy I-Love-to-Hug Doug who kisses her ass and tells her what she wants to hear. I don't trust him for some reason. At this point I can't really put my finger on why, but something isn’t right. He brings tears to Emily’s eyes with his my mom left my epileptic dad and we had to go to foster care story. For a second, I thought he was recapping the Broadway play Annie. I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background.
would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks.
Tony appears wearing a ridiculous sweater that Kalon loaned him. I wondered if it was a luxury brand sweater. It appeared fancy enough to be a luxury brand sweater but only a luxury brand consultant would likely be able to know for sure.
Back at the Mansion Kalon, Arie, Nate, and Chris talk about nothing before Arie gets the "Love is a wild ride" Date Card. Kalon sweats in his luxury brand glasses.
Tony melts down like Pavelka on a balcony and Emily sends him packing. I think we’d all agree that little chain of events was what we call a Win-Win. Tony was clearly never in the running and he knew it. Emily knew it too and had the decency to see the open door and allow him to walk through it. Tony seemed nice enough, albeit a tad whiny. I hope his kid was as excited to see him as he was to get home. Ironically, I think Tony learned more about his priorities than if he’d stuck around “looking for love” or whatever. Sean gets the date rose and, let’s face it, he earned it. Ryan’s blood pressure begins to rise despite his attempt to display confidence in the presence of a threat. That’s classic Alpha Male behavior, Ryan. Emily is likely smart enough to see that.
Let me just preface the Arie date by saying that I love the fact that Emily is choosing places that hold deep childhood memories as locations for her dates. We’ve seen a small piece of this in the past but usually have to wait until home towns to do it. However, I’ve said before that I’m a big believer that a person cannot truly know another person until he’s been to where she grew up as a child. This is particularly true in the case of a small town girl. Unlike Joe, Arie turned out to be perfect for this type of date.
We head to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge,
For those of you who have never been, Dollywood is exactly what you’d
imagine. It’s a cross between Tennessee Branson, Missouri and a
Casino. It’s like the Dukes of Hazard
meets Dynasty. Like Emily, I happen to
be a huge Dolly Parton fan. I realize
that most of you reading this associate her with her giant boobs, giant wigs,
and know she’s the woman who wrote that “Bodyguard song that Whitney Houston
sings,” but there’s a lot more to the story.
Dolly Parton has written over 3,000 songs, plays 15 instruments, and gives a ton of money and time to charity without stepping in front of a television camera every time she does it. She was given her start by a guy named Porter Wagner and she never forgot it. After years of struggling and finally making it big, Dolly purchased Porter Wagner’s entire song catalog from the record company that owned it and gave it to him on his birthday just a few years before he died. She’s a walking stereotype, but she happens to be a decent person. I think we’d all agree that many people in her shoes (or boots) don’t remain that way. Back to Emily.
Dolly shows up and Emily is floored. Say what you want about that, but that's like me meeting Elvis or any of you meeting your childhood hero. I once got a close friend of mine back stage at a Rockabilly festival to meet Jerry Lee Lewis, his childhood hero. I literally watched a grown man turn back into boy when he met him. That was a pretty cool moment and I’ll never forget it. Not many of us get that opportunity and it was nice to see Emily appreciate it. Arie did a great job of simply standing back and letting her enjoy her moment.
A dinner Arie scores a ton more points with the I lived with a woman and loved her kids story. He’ll make the Fantasy Suite unless the wheels come off the Formula One car. He might not even need a pit stop. I’ve said before that the key to understanding another person is not doing big things but constantly being aware of the small things they say in subconscious moments and then acting on them.
Emily uttered, "I feel like I don't have a lot of talents but I am a good mom.” Notwithstanding the fact that I think Emily has many “talents,” that statement says a lot about her and it explains volumes about who she is as a person. I think we’ll all get a big dose of Emily as a protective mother as the season progresses. She’s insecure but sees redemption of all of her faults in her role as a mother raising her daughter. She defines herself through her child. Any guy who doesn’t latch on to that and respect it is going to be sent packing. Indeed, any guy who ignores it will likely get hit by flames coming from her mouth.
Arie earns the rose and Emily heads home to powder her nose for the cocktail party. Kalon also powders his nose and lets us know that he’s borrowed the Canadian teacher's lesbian glasses. He’s such a self-important, pretentious prick, isn’t he? Ryan throws a gray jacket and slacks over his (surprise) black v-neck and the guys head to the cocktail party.
Kalon and his lack of socks get some time with Emily. “I never had to share much in my life,” he tells Emily. Translation: I’m a spoiled asshole. He then makes a classic Patrick Bateman from American Psycho mistake telling Emily, "I love it when you talk but I'd wish you'd let me finish." The difference is that Emily is not a paid prostitute in Patrick Bateman’s penthouse. She drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending." Amen. Frankly, I couldn't have said it much better. I've made no secret about the fact that I hate this guy. That's a pretty strong word considering what I do here each week, but I believe this is one of the few times where it actually fits. My biggest disappointment is that Kalon and Stevie won’t get to have a
vs. Ducky type
conflict now that Stevie popped and locked himself off the show. Sigh…. Blaine
Travis and his stupid egg are up next. That stunt fell flatter than Jeff’s mask a couple of seasons ago. At least he didn’t swim with it. I know this is episode 3 but this whole bit was old 4 weeks ago. They FINALLY get rid of the egg. I’m inclined to believe that as Shelly the Egg went, so will Travis.
Emily has a compulsory one on one with Allesandro who looks like he's spent entirely too much time at the pool and not enough time in hair and makeup. Look, I know English is his second language but the word "compromise" was not a wise choice when he's discussing the person who has been billed as the Alpha and Omega of Emily's life with the person who did the billing. He talks himself out of step-fatherhood. Muy malo, Allesandro. Adios, Pendejo.
Emily seeks comfort and sips a whiskey sour with Arie. Could he have been any more brilliant in that moment? Comforting, kissing, empathizing, listening. Very nice work, Arie. I believe you just earned a legitimate shot at the pole position. Sean gets a kiss to prove that he’s still in the running, but I think Arie ruled the day.
Roses are handed out and it goes down as follows:
5. Doug (no hug)
6. Michael (huh?)
11. Kalon (weak)
Well, there you have it. With the Amazing count at a steady 17 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6, we head into week four. Take care of yourselves and thanks for reading and commenting. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be angrily ironing my black v-neck t-shirts after washing them in hot water. DP