Bachelor Pad Episode 4: Slut-pocalypse Now

Hello everyone and thanks again for hitting the refresh button on your computers until this post appeared so you can take the time out of your day to read my take on this ridiculous show. I’d like to thank my loyal readers Susie, Heather, and Isobel for setting up the Houston and Denver meet and greets this week. It was nice to put a name to otherwise anonymous faces and I appreciate those of you who made the effort to check things out. It was a fun experiment. Major, sincere props to the husbands who showed up and pretended to be interested. I hope it paid off . . . if you know what I mean. It was nice meeting all of you. Hangovers aside, I had a great time in both places. Special consideration goes to the wait staff at Earl’s in Denver. I think at least one of them was actually convinced that I was “somebody.”

In the meantime, we plow face first into the sloppy mess that is Episode 4 of the Bachelor Pad. This week’s lead in promised delicious drama, confrontational contests, and the spontaneous spewing of saline from the eyes of our favorite contestants. Let’s get to it.

We begin with the latest editing trick: the after the rose ceremony fallout scenes. We are reminded that Angry Dave was “forced” to pick between Gia and Elizabeth in an effort to break a voting tie. Jackass. Despite Wes lobbying harder than Susan B. Anthony for women’s suffrage, Angry Dave voted for Elizabeth and sent Gia packing like a mule during the 1849 Gold Rush. Jackass. Wes, obviously upset at Gia’s departure, characterizes the decision as an “absolute atrocity.” Alliteration aside (see what I did there?), I’ll go ahead and say that in my book “absolute atrocities” include things like The Holocaust, the September 11th attacks, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the suit that Hasselhoff wore on the Dancing With the Stars intro commercial. Gia getting kicked off the show for making a poor decision while she was drunk with Wes is hardly the same thing, but I get it. Wes was upset. At least she can use her pouty lips to . . . well, pout.

In a contrived couch conference, everyone sits around to discuss the fallout. Natalie, fresh off her Fantasy Suite manhandling with Angry Dave (jackass), sticks up for the voting decision. In a subtle but tasteful effort to encourage a constructive, honest discourse, Wes suggests that everyone stop “bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses.” Obviously enthralled with the idea of blowing something up someone’s ass, Angry Dave (jackass) takes exception to Wes’ diplomatic suggestion and they have a classic macho, alpha male stare down as the word “jackass” is bandied about. Jackass. Angry Dave (jackass) eventually cracks under the pressure of the stare down and leaves the room for some serious male affirmation bonding with his bromance, Kovacs.

Natalie, comfortable with having things blown up her ass, lets us know that “it’s not about who is the best kisser or who can eat the most pie, it’s about relationship building.” Brilliant. Natalie Getz is to chastity what Natalie Wood is to swimming. (Too sooon?) I’ll let that one speak for itself. Frankly, I have a couple more jokes, but there’s just too much Natalie material this week to fit them all in. In short, the lines are drawn and everyone will soon pick sides in the Wes vs. Angry Dave (jackass) feud and Natalie will soon be too ignorant to realize that Angry Dave is an a-hole in addition to being (say it with me) a Jackass.

Mercifully, the doorbell rings and we discover that the contestants will be taking a survey in order to reveal who the Biggest X is in the house. The categories are purposefully provocative and the contestants soon begin to realize that some feelings are going to be hurt. Nikki—looking like Sandra Bullock’s older brother in drag—finds it “very difficult to fill out.” Angry Dave broods. Jackass. Of course, Tenley fights back sparkly tears telling us that “she hates it.” She really is annoying, but she’s so damn nice it’s difficult to really dislike her.

With the survey complete and the wet bar in dire need of restocking, the contestants head to bed after a stressful day. The following morning is filled with palpable tension as Angry Dave tells the camera how confident he feels. Frankly, I think there was probably just too much sugar in whatever supplements he loaded up on in the morning, but he seemed to be feeling good about his chances. Jackass. Still crushed over Gia’s departure, Wes escapes to the hot tub in his underwear where he reflects on his feelings, holds his breath for an hour, and tries to remember where he left his bathing suit.

Enter Melissa Rycroft in her seasonal attire and giant strappy cork shoes in order to round everyone up for the big survey results. Harrison, fresh off room service and a morning romp, shows up in a rugged looking oatmeal sweater with a frayed collar, dark undershirt, and gray jeans. He’s not quite the Grim Reaper, but he’s there to be the Grand Marshall over what will soon become a parade of hurt feelings and crying women. Melissa confirms that the questionnaire indeed asked them questions. She might have an easier gig than Harrison. Granted, Harrison’s paycheck is about as fat as her cork pumps, but she’s still getting paid for doing and adding nothing to the show. Did she mention she’s married and pregnant? Nice job.

The contest begins with Harrison laying down the rules as only he can do. Rycroft will save him the aggravation of reading the cards and when she asks a question each contestant will write down what he or she believes the group answered collectively rather than what he or she would have answered individually. Easy enough, right. We’ll see.

Lulling them into a sense of false relief, Rycroft reads the first question thankful that she wasn’t around when the Producers dreamed this up. Did she mention that she’s married and pregnant? She should have. “Who is most likely to win?” is the question and everyone casts a vote. Kiptyn is the lucky winner and, as we shall see, the only person given good news. Of course, little fairies guided Tenley’s pen and whispered the winning answer in her perky little ear. She voted for Kiptyn and guess what? She was excited about it.

Next question.

“Who is your worst enemy?” Winner: Krisily. This answer was fairly predictable considering the fact that she’s always up in everyone’s bid-ness, and she frankly didn’t seem shocked, although she was indignant about it. Whatever. I’m certain that the audience members who found that a surprise were quickly reassured that it was the right answer as Krisily proceeded to bitch about it to the camera. In the guys’ camp, Angry Dave predictably voted for Wes, adding the word “sucks” to his vote. Jackass. Wes returned the favor and the penis measuring contest was on again.

Two predicable questions down and now it’s time to drop the hammer.

“Who is the most shallow?” Ouch. Rycroft didn’t make it any easier by reading it as clearly and as loudly as she could and Harrison’s hands immediately found their way into his pockets. He was clearly uncomfortable. Rycroft adds insult to injury by announcing that the “correct answer” is Elizabeth. Proving that indeed it was “correct,” Elizabeth does nothing to help her shallow image by telling the camera that she has no idea what “shallow” means. I suppose requesting and using unlimited access to the extra potent tanning bed at Electric Beach, Tan Today Gone to Maui, or whatever tanning salon she undoubtedly frequents on a daily basis is a start. The bleach blond hair, delusional behavior, and unrepentant tramping around are probably good indicators as well. But what do I know? I was too busy wondering if Natalie would win the “who is the deepest” question. Think about it.

“Who is the dumbest?” I winced when this one was read. Harrison actually put both hands together in a prayer motion and raised them to his mouth. Brutal. Despite the fact that Gwen “won” and became visibly upset, all of the guys voted for Natalie and—yes, this is true—Natalie voted for herself and proceeded to congratulate herself for getting a point. Harrison, with a barely containable Cheshire Cat grin on his face breaks it to her that she not only proved that she should have won, but she doesn’t get a point. It’s a shame that alcohol and promiscuous behavior don’t make a person smarter. While Natalie was basking in ignorance, Tenley realized that she earned a point by voting Gwen as dumb and, guess what? She felt bad about it. Kovacs looked visibly upset as well demonstrating that he too has a conscience.

Time for a softball question to ease the tension.

“Who do most people have a crush on in the house?” Angry Dave wins. Jackass. Frankly, I don’t get this one. I suppose he’s built well but he’s such a freaking jerk. He actually voted for himself. Of course, Natalie flaunts her “relationship” with Angry Dave (Jackass); a relationship he fails to acknowledge beyond the sticky confines of an isolated Fantasy Suite 200 miles from the mansion after a bottle of champagne and a half dozen whatever stupid drink he drinks for effect. Jackass.

“Who is a bridesmaid but never a bride?” Frankly, I thought Nikki would win this one hands down, but I suppose in-house, off camera behavior played a key role in the outcome of this question. Natalie is the big winner and she takes it hard. Well, everyone knows she takes it hard, but she looked upset too. In a classic—and I mean classic—move befitting the first class as*hole that he is, Angry Dave actually had the stones to not only vote for Natalie but to emphatically thank her when he earned a point. Jackass. To be fair to Angry Dave (jackass), a girl cannot carry on like Natalie has done and expect to be respected by anyone; especially the guys she’s slept with. Lesson to women reading the blog: men may seem like Neanderthals but no one but Charlie Sheen wants to marry a bimbo.

I was reminded of a scene in Splendor in the Grass when Warren Beatty’s character talks to his father about being sexually frustrated with Natalie Wood’s character. His father gives him the “two kinds of women” speech, proving that men have known better than to marry a slut since at least the early ‘60’s or whenever that movie came out. I won’t beat a dead slut, but Wes actually had some valid points about Natalie’s demeanor too.

Natalie sniffles through her testimonial shocked that she won that question. Denial is a powerful thing and Natalie proves it as she tells us that her ultimate goal in life is to get married and have children. “One's real life is often the life that one does not lead,” said Oscar Wilde. Natalie should put down the champagne and pick up some Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde also said, “Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” In other words, some lessons have to be learned the hard way. Natalie learned the hard way that taking it the hard way is a hard way to earn respect. The good news is that she’s young enough to do something about it. The bad news is that I doubt she will.

Next question.

“Who is the biggest jerk?” This one could have also been asked, “Who do you like, Angry Dave (jackass) or Wes?” Frankly, I was just as surprised as Wes when he won. Wes might be over the top at times, but he seems to speak his mind honestly and without pretense. I suppose the answers are a bit skewed considering the “couple” situation, but I’ve met the guy and have mutual friends and he’s not a bad guy. Harrison takes a jab at Wes for not seeing it coming and Wes chalks up the vote to the couple conspiracy.

“Who has the worst boob job?” I actually put down my Lone Star and shook my head at this one. I guess these folks know what they’re signing up for, but this was downright mean on the part of whoever wrote the survey. When the purpose is solely to humiliate, it’s just not fun. The look on Kovacs’ face was priceless. He clearly knew that Elizabeth was the front runner and was faced with the impossible choice of throwing the competition by voting for someone else or pulling an Angry Dave (jackass) and voting for his “girlfriend” in order to earn the point. In the end, Kovacs voted for Krisily and told the camera that “relationships last longer than $250,000.” Wanna bet? Regardless, I’ll give him credit for listening to his conscience. He’s right, some things are simply more important than money—especially if your parents own a Napa Valley winery. Regardless, Elizabeth wins the vote and Tenley and Jesse B. win the one-on-one dates and immunity roses.

Let the crying begin.

The competition ends and Mount Whore-amanjaro erupts. Finding tears in the mansion was like finding rain in a thunder cloud. Gwen finds Natalie in the fetal position in the shower and proceeds to comfort her despite having been thrown her own fast ball between the eyes. Natalie continues to melt down over the bridesmaid comment and we see the difference between forty-something and sober and twenty-something and drunk. She decries the “stereotype” that she’s been labeled with like Hester Prynne and reiterates to anyone who will listen, her desire to be a mother and a wife. I suppose if she keeps taking the antibiotics for her venereal disease, there’s a strong possibility that one of those will happen. Being labeled something is only unfair if it’s untrue, Natalie.

Angry Dave retires to the kitchen for a protein shake and some raw meat but does not attempt to talk to Natalie. Jackass. Elizabeth locks herself in the closet. It’s a good thing that the Weatherman was sent home last week or that closet would have been occupied. Proving his compassion is sincere, Kovacs, looking more like Nick Lachey every week, does a good job comforting her despite the fact that it puts him at risk for elimination.

After CryFest, the date card arrives and Tenley floats to the door to retrieve it. She predictably picks Kiptyn and they bound out of the house on clouds of joy as they hop in the limo and glide giggling down the PCH. They arrive at a helipad and Tenley almost decapitates herself in the blade by jumping up and down in an effort to demonstrate her overflowing excitement. She’s so f*cking cheery. The end up zip lining on Catalina Island and both appear to have a great time. I was glad that she won. Despite the nauseating over-positivity gushing from her pores, it was nice to see someone who appreciated the date. Tenley pretends she can’t fly and they zip line a bunch before kissing and giggling some more. Good for them. Perhaps they’ll name their kids something normal.

Back at the mansion, Wes begins to seal his fate by loudly announcing his “break up the couples” strategy. He was absolutely correct, but he should have been more discreet about it. Ironically, he wouldn’t have been in that situation if he would have stepped aside and let McCheesy take the rose from Gia two weeks ago. That lead to her dismissal and—as we’ll see—his too.

The date card arrives for Jesse B. “The sky’s the limit” it reads and he decides to explore his chemistry with Peyton, even though he failed Chemistry in high school. Krisily, vying for any attention from anyone, is upset that she was not chosen and tells us that she’s never been so frustrated in her life. That tends to happen to manipulative people when they can’t manipulate people. In the meantime, Tenley and Kiptyn arrive for dinner and she giggles at a champagne bottle until the cork voluntarily jumps from the bottle. They kiss on pillows with marijuana leaves on them and the surrounding forest is enchanted with the sweet sounds of softly singing sparrows and the fresh fragrance of Tenley’s happiness. Tenley says she’s nervous to give Kiptyn the rose and wonders if he’ll accept it. Hey Snow White, there’s 250K on the line. Of course he will. They forgo their rooms for foreplay in the Fantasy Suite and Tenley is happy that “Kiptyn and I’s” relationship is approaching the next level. Does no one read this blog? They retire to the Fantasy Suite and we all wonder how awkward it was when the Seven Dwarves showed up.

On the opposite end of the relationship spectrum, Kovacs and Elizabeth talk over beers by the hot tub. He forgets how nuts and unstable she is and she pretends she’s neither. It’s been a difficult day being called shallow and poorly assembled, but Elizabeth pushes through it for another make out session in that dirty hot tub. I hope they skim that thing at night. So much for Elizabeth’s meltdown. The odd thing about regret is that it comes only upon great reflection. Regret doesn’t have the immediacy that other emotions bring so it rarely influences people’s actions when feeling it could do some good. Clearly, Elizabeth is not there yet. Sigh.

Jesse B. and Peyton “dude” and “awesome” each other before boarding a WWII bi-plane with Shamus the faceless pilot with the Colin Farrel haircut. Meanwhile, Kovacs sports his ridiculous Hattie McDaniel bandana and tells everyone that he doesn’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies. Angry Dave douches it up with his sideways ball cap. Jackass. And they opine as to the possibility of Jesse B. and Peyton having sex on their date. Natalie—see that regret line above—believes that they will “make out fer sure” because “you have to.” Somewhere in Illinois, her father retired to the bathroom to assume the fetal position and cry in the shower. He takes comfort knowing that he will not be coming out of pocket for her wedding any time soon.

Peyton further demonstrates her need for diction lessons as she and Jesse swap meat and potatoes and funnel cake and corn dog stories and he coughs up the rose earlier than Natalie coughs up the nookie on a first date. Peyton makes the mistake of feeding him a sizeable martini and Jesse proceeds to mix it with champagne before getting hammered and turning into a ten year old. To be fair to Jesse, giving a 25 year old guy from Nowhere, Missouri who lives with his dogs a martini is like putting a silk hat on a pig. What did she expect? Romance killed, Peyton lets us know that she’s one of the boys but would expect some modicum of decorum on a date. I tend to agree, but she started it.

After ignoring the fact that they got screwed twice on their individual dates, Peyton decides to forgo the Fantasy Room in the mansion in favor of the community bedroom. Man, she WAS really turned off. Jesse doesn’t fight it in an effort to maintain his buzz and they return home unscathed. Angry Dave (jackass) got a private jet and a suite in Vegas. Tenley got a helicopter ride and a suite on Catalina Island. Jesse and Peyton got to eat in an airplane hangar and bunk upstairs in the mansion. I found that odd.

It was at this point that I hit “play” on my DVR during the Dancing With the Stars introduction. Frankly, I didn’t care about the show, but Brooke Burke holds a close second place next to Diane Lane in Some Guy from Austin’s Fantasy Suite wish list. I just thought y’all should know that.

Krisily tries to turn Angry Dave by stroking his angry, over-inflated ego and he reminds her that he won the kissing contest. Jackass. He talks to Kovacs on the couch about rose ceremony strategy as his stupid, angry hat plays havoc with the editing. Even his hat pisses me off. Jackass. Wes talks to Nikki who still looks like Sandra Bullock on Prednisone and he actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a shame she’s the only one listening.

Harrison emerges from the kitchen suited up in his dark jacket and gray blue shirt and tie with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork to announce the rose ceremony. Tenley, Kiptyn, Jesse B., and Peyton are all safe and there are 7 roses to be handed out. Angry Dave (jackass) and Kovacs want Gwen gone but Kiptyn sways the vote to Krisily despite the fact that Angry Dave assured her she was safe and talked her out of voting for Kovacs because of it. Jackass. Wes and Jesse vote together for Elizabeth (the smart choice), but cannot earn Kiptyn’s vote. Wes and Krisily get booted and Krisily proceeds to bitch about it. Wes actually lost with class and took the high road out of the mansion despite obvious frustration and disappointment. See, he’s not that bad.

Tenley, Peyton, Kiptyn, Jesse B., Natalie, Ashley, Angry Dave (jackass), Nikki, Elizabeth, Gwen, and Kovacs remain as we head into Episode 5 where things promise to get interesting. As always, thanks for reading and please leave your comments below and on my Facebook “Guy in Austin” page. Is there a clear winner here? I’m not sure. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be crying in the shower. DP

Bachelor Pad Episode 3: Hark! A Cheeseball Sings.

Hello everyone. I hope the last week treated you well. Unfortunately for me, my professional and personal life has been unpredictably hectic. I’ve received messages and emails about my phantom post and I’m sorry to say that I didn’t have an opportunity to finish it this week. I’ll remember not to promise what I can’t deliver. I believe I’ve done that once before too. I’ll make it up to y’all soon. Thanks for caring enough to write me about it. Props to the person who wrote me asking if I couldn’t write because there was “a shortage of Lone Star beer in Austin.” Thank God that wasn’t the reason. This week’s shout out also goes to a certain Brazilian woman from Dallas who wrote me saying that she is now incorporating the word “Hooha” into her vernacular. I’m not certain how she plans to do that, but nevertheless, I’m happy to be of assistance. I wish I could be there to see the look on her Ob/Gyn’s face when she busts that word out in her annual well woman exam.

With all of that in mind, we head into Episode Three of what is quickly turning into one big hot, sticky, mess. This week promised kissing contests, budding romances, difficult choices, and yes, more and more crying. Let’s get to it.

“For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another.” No, that’s not an US Weekly review of the Bachelor Pad. It’s actually much older. It’s from the Bible. Romans 1:24-27, to be exact. Funny how some things never change. I had no idea that reality TV predated Christianity. Odd.

Anyyyhooooo . . .

We begin with Gia basking in denial like a hog in slop. In a wonderful illustration of hyperbole, she admits that she made “the biggest mistake of her life” by giving the rose to Wes. She then proceeds to chastise Nikki for doing the same thing with Kiptyn. Sick of it all, Natalie takes her tutu and leaves the room—presumably to finish her drink, check her latest pregnancy test, and perform her after the rose ceremony Kegels. Kovacs sighs a deep sigh of relief and points out the Outsider’s mistakes while basking in the “power” that he shares with Kiptyn and Angry Dave. Jackass.

Gia and Wes discuss their failures and Wes—sober now—attempts to comfort her suggesting that the only way to win is to break up the couples in the house. “It’s pure science” he tells her, uttering the first of many gems to be uttered in Wes/Gia exchanges this week. After giving Einstein a minute to roll over in his grave, Wes suggests that all Gia can do is “win the opinion” of the men in the house. Sleeping with them would probably be the shortest route, but alas, Gia is betrothed to some guido in New York. Pure science, my ass.

Harrison emerges on his way home from an all night bender at a Santa Monica beach party dressed in fancy Frank jeans, a pink untucked oxford, and a pair of Sketchers. I didn’t notice if they were the ones with the lights on the side. Nonetheless, he made them his own. Rycroft stands dutifully by his side happy to be getting paid to do nothing. Her denim jacket and giant earrings call attention to herself, yet don’t crowd Harrison’s spotlight. Good girl, Melissa.

Nobody is safe this week, we learn. Well, except for the 2 people who win roses and the other two that earn them on the group dates. There are 15 people left and Harrison pretends that “finding love” is still a real possibility. Has he watched the raw footage? And when I say “raw,” I don’t mean uncut. Regardless, there’s a sh*tload of cash at stake and everyone seems anxious to get to the challenge.

Harrison checks everyone’s oral hygiene as Melissa announces the kissing competition. As if there wasn’t enough bodily fluid being spattered throughout the mansion, we now learn that everyone will kiss everyone else. Gia immediately tenses up. After all, her guido boyfriend would be none too happy if she proceeded with the kissing and carrying on and such. The Weatherman does his best to comfort Gia and reminds her that his boyfriend is not going to be pleased either. Alright, I’m officially putting a moratorium on Weatherman jokes for now. I actually like the guy. Besides, he’s had enough fun poked at him from behind.

Jesse B. is excited because he likes “kissing girls” and Gia seeks the rock solid advice of Tenley and Natalie. Could there be two people who are more diametrically opposed than the virginal, giggle, school girl Tenley and the defiled, hoarse, street walking Natalie? Predictably, Tenley is super supportive of Gia and even sprinkles her with some fairy dust to ward off cooties. Natalie thinks Gia should “get over it and just make out”. Oddly enough, Natalie has that crocheted on a pillowcase back at her apartment in whatever city she calls home. Her grandmother gave it to her when she went off to live at the dorm at the local junior college. Trashy is as trashy does. Oblivious to his lack of sex appeal, the Weatherman loves the prospect of the kissing contest. Unfortunately, as the girls line up for their kisses, they all point out his lack of smoothness. Poor guy. Frankly, I hit the fast forward button at this point. I felt myself longing for the pie eating contest. It was far less sloppy and about half as disgusting to watch. I did however have some favorite moments.

Ashley—forgetting that she donned an incredibly slutty stewardess outfit in an attempt to woo Jake—takes herself out of the competition because she’s a high school teacher and doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students. By “students” she meant “the Administration who signs my paycheck.” It sucks when reality gets in the way of a reality show, but I was proud of her for doing the right thing. It’s nice to know at least one person has a job on this show.

Kovacs—ignorant of the fact that not everyone’s mommy and daddy own a Napa Valley winery, he calls Ashley “lame” for not participating. He might deserve Elizabeth.

Natalie—Owning her harlotry, she tells us that she “knows from experience” how most of the guys kiss. She tells us that she “would like make out with everyone in the house for like 20 bucks.” Good Lord, Natalie. I felt myself wanting someone to put something in her mouth just to shut her up. I was certain that would happen later. She realizes that these recordings exist in perpetuity, doesn’t she? She can’t be that dumb. I thought ahead 15 years when her child says, “mommy, can we watch the DVD’s of when you were on TV?” Good luck handling that one, Natalie.

At any rate, she’s a bit partial to Angry Dave’s “passionate and aggressive” kissing style. Jackass. He apparently makes her heart soar. I found that odd considering that all of the other guys in the house had already made other parts of her anatomy sore. Incidentally, that’s a homophone—two words that sound alike but are spelled differently. You know, like “hoar” and “whore,” for instance. I was surprised that Natalie didn’t suggest a best in bed competition, but hey, it’s early in the show. Somewhere in a Morton, Illinois break room her father walked in to work this morning amidst snickers and head shakes.

Incidentally, her last name is “Getz,” as in “whatever a guy wants from Natalie, he Getz.” Cyril Connolly once wrote, “as bees with their sting, so the promiscuous leave behind them in each encounter something of themselves by which they are made to suffer.” My prediction is the she’ll be faced with her reputation later in the season and it won’t be pretty.

Tenley—giggles her way through, but actually gives it the old college try. She was delighted to know that Kiptyn’s kiss was clearly on her list. It’s their “first kiss” and all of the creatures in the forest are thrilled beyond belief that Tenley is happy. Rainbows spill forth on to the mansion grounds and magic fills the air.

Gia—half asses it for a while before breaking down and taking herself out of the competition in order to retire to the community bedroom and cry her collagen injected face off. I’m certain that 250 grand would ease the pain of her break up. There are worse things I could think of than not being able to get past the velvet rope of the New York night club where her boyfriend works the door. She did kiss Wes, though, and he respectfully pretended to care about her relationship. I’d be willing to bet that Wes Hayden is the polar opposite of whoever she’s dating now. That makes me laugh. Upset, Gia cries into the camera, “I didn’t think that everyone was going to turn into porn stars here.” It’s a good thing that the producers and sponsors didn’t share her sentiment.

Wes—Professes to be a germophobe and, in light of that, relishes his position as first kisser. In a classic Wes Hayden-ism he tells us that with respect to kissing style “going in for the kill doesn’t turn me on whatsoever . . . unless I’m absolutely hammered.” Shakespeare couldn’t have said it any better, Wes. Classic.

Elizabeth—vying for the lead as the loosest thing in the house besides the screws on Natalie’s bedpost, Elizabeth does her best to push through the pain of seeing Kovacs kissed by the women. After kissing the Weatherman she literally spits into the pool. Granted, she’s probably not familiar with spitting fluids out, but it was still funny.

Harrison mercifully ends the carnage with a Fat Albert “hey, hey, hey” and announces that Angry Dave (jackass) and Peyton are the big winners. Of course, Natalie is upset. She takes refuge in the thought that there might be an oral sex contest in the near future. She retires to the community bedroom to perform her after the morning contest Kegels and practice.

Angry Dave gets the first cliché date card. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” it reads. Jackass. He picks unfun Nikki, Krisily, and Natalie. Frankly, I don’t blame the guy for taking Natalie. He’s essentially won a free trip in a private jet to Las Vegas. Strategy Smategy, he might as well go fishing with dynamite. She posted the combination to her pants on the front door the day she got to the mansion. Left two Red Bull and Vodkas, Right One Compliment, Left Two Shots of Tequila. Pull to open.

Natalie shows her excitement by jumping up and down and sucking on the date card podium. They hit the limo and jump on a jet to Vegas. Jackass. In the meantime, this week’s couples vs. singles strategy begins to unfold as Kovacs—mired deep into his forced relationship with fly paper Elizabeth—and Tenley—mired deep in her delusional fantasy relationship with Kiptyn—discuss kicking Gia’s ass off the property. Wes begins his “Save Gia” campaign amid mixed reception.

Angry Dave (jackass) and his posse arrive at Bare Lounge at the Mirage Hotel in Vegas. Natalie is thrilled to learn that it’s a topless pool as Nikki and Krisily realize that they’re out gunned. Trying to compete with Natalie in that environment is tantamount to trying to take meat away from a lion in the African desert. Nikki folds like a cheap suit and Krisily makes a Kri-silly attempt at conversation with Angry Dave (jackass) until he’s distracted by a bikini-clad, drunken Natalie running around the pool. I assumed she was marking her slut territory as is common among the North American Slut species. The European Slut is less territorial, but effective nonetheless.

Natalie puts the olive in the martini by ditching her top. She wins the race for the rose by several breast lengths and Nikki and Krisily pack up their dignity and head back to the mansion. In a parting shot across the bow, Krisily laments her failure to get down into the trough with Natalie but opines that although she’s fun, Natalie is not the “kind of girl someone would bring home to mom.” Well, unless mom wanted an easy lay, but we get the point. The Fantasy Suite card comes and Natalie jumps on it like a frog on a lily pad—a really slutty frog. We assume Dave closes the deal in the Fantasy Suite. Jackass. I found myself wondering how Natalie felt at that point. I’m sure Dave found out how she felt. Nikki categorizes Natalie as a “free spirit.” Frankly, I think she’s just free.

Back in Corinth, Peyton gets the date card. “Gentelmen, start your engines,” it reads and in a good strategic pick that she later failed to capitalize upon, she chooses Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Jesse B. to go on the date with her. Tenley approaches un-virginlike conduct by admitting her jealousy that Peyton is picking “all of the guys in relationships” for the date. In an effort to head off the potential hand holding with Peyton, Tenley hatches a strategy to surprise Kiptyn while he’s enjoying a mid-afternoon, pre-date nap in his bed. She plans to “blow him out of the water.” Right. Drop the “out of the water” part and she’d have the right idea. Note to Tenley: waking a man up from a mid-afternoon nap is never a good idea.

Immune from the possibility of below the waist contact, Tenely awakens a clearly annoyed Kiptyn in order to “cuddle.” Are you kidding me, I thought as I put a fresh bottle of Lone Star beer to my lips and shook my head. Kiptyn gives Tenley a polite as can be expected brush off as she leaves uncuddled. Too bad, I thought, if he’d have let her stick around she might have touched his pee pee.

Tenley runs back to Natalie to discuss it. Again, I shook my head. Tenely talking to Natalie about Kiptyn’s failure to cuddle is tantamount to Rycroft talking to Harrison about failing to get a hosting gig. Natalie pretends to care and Kiptyn gets ready for Peyton.

Kovacs, Kiptyn, Jesse B., and Peyton go to some drag racing strip in L.A. and Peyton wows them with her ability to drive a car and talk like she’s from the San Fernando Valley. Diction lessons are in order for Peyton, but she seems nice enough. She’s clearly one of the more normal girls in the house. Oddly, all of the guys seem to respect her and treat her like one of their own. It was subtle but I found it interesting that failing to hooch it up and act like a tramp at the house actually earns the respect of the guys. Note to females reading: that’s true in real life too, no matter how unapparent it may seem. Sleeping with someone is alright. Using it to manipulate someone is not.

In the meantime, Elizabeth seeks solace in conversation with the Weatherman and Angry Dave (jackass) but eventually succumbs to her craziness and cries over Kovacs. Her ears burn as he summarily rejects the idea of a relationship with her when talking to Peyton. He knows better, though, and he does admit to the camera that Elizabeth has “ruined everything” for him at the house by strong arming him into a “relationship.” He leaves Peyton and goes to write in his journal. Dear Diary, Today I learned reason #400 not to sleep with a crazy girl . . . .

Jesse B. gets some alone time with Peyton and quickly denies an ongoing relationship with Natalie. He tells her that he’s realized she’s “not the kind of girl I’m looking for.” Translation: She’s hot but she’s been banged more times than the metal in a Japanese sword. He earns a kiss and a rose. Nice job, Jesse B. Nice job. Despite the fact that Peyton got screwed with a cheap date (Angry Dave—jackass—gets a private jet and a suite in Vegas and she gets race cars and a room at the mansion?), Jesse B. and Peyton accept the Fantasy Suite invite extended graciously by Harrison. We know he didn’t close the deal, but it appears Jesse B. made a good friend in Peyton. He’s quickly becoming my favorite to win the dough. Everyone likes him and he’s unassuming. He’s just smart enough to realize it, but he’s not clever enough to scheme with the others. Sometimes it’s good to have dumb luck. Others it’s just good to be dumb. We’ll see if he can keep his slate clean. The fact that he dodged a slut storm from Natalie says a lot about his staying power.

We next move to my favorite part of the show: The Wes/Gia interaction. Frankly, I thought last week’s drunkenly slurred “I love you” conversation could not be topped. Man, was I wrong. Wes and Gia strategize about her chances of sticking around. Wes learns that Angry Dave holds the power to break a tie vote. Jackass. Wes begins to wonder about how to sway one vote, but first sweet talks Gia. I was reminded of a move I saw on Shark Week in early-August. Some genius was down on the ocean with a bunch of sharks and proceeds to grab one, turn it over on it’s back, and caress it’s belly. The shark lies back, paralyzed and docile. After rubbing Gia’s belly, Wes breaks out his guitar and proceeds to recycle the song he wrote “for Jillian,” They Say Love Don’t Come Easy. I’ll give Wes credit for that one. Proving once again that the beating he probably endured for taking guitar lessons at an early age has an exponential payoff, Wes sings and watches Gia melt like an ice cube on an Austin, Texas sidewalk in mid-August. Take that, suit-wearing, red-velvet rope guarding, Ecstasy dealing, soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.

In literally my favorite moment since Gia uttered, “you can eat my salmon” to Vienna on her double date with Jake, Gia—clearly intoxicated with whatever Wes slipped in her drink—says that Wes is, “a modern day Shakespeare, but better and cuter.” I’ll give him cuter, but better? Modern day Shakespeare? I’m sure David Mamet and Sam Shepherd might have an opinion on that statement.

“Alas, Wes Hayden! I knew him, Harrison, a fellow of infinite cheese, of most excellent fancy. He hath bored me with his songs a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it.” That’s Hamlet—sort of. After my gorge was done rising, I settled down to watch Gia cheat on her boyfriend. Nice job, Wes. Now all he had to do was convince Angry Dave (jackass) to forgo his bromance with Kovacs and vote for Elizabeth instead of Gia. One question: If Wes is Shakespeare, does that make Gia one of his characters? Is she Horatio? Perhaps, Fellatio is more appropriate.

As an aside, let me also clear up a common Shakespeare myth. For those of you uninterested, simply skip to the next paragraph. A famous quote from Hamlet always arises when some woman is poontanging around. “Get thee to a nunn’ry,” is the quote. Hamlet uttered it to Ophelia and his sincerity has been debated ad nauseum. Intent aside, it is commonly thought that a nunnery is a convent. Actually, a nunnery is a brothel, which makes the insult more powerful. I figured someone would throw that quote at me in the comments. This is my effort to head it off. I digress . . . .

In honor of Wes’ Shakespearean status, I will now address rose ceremony in Shakespeare’s preferred writing style: iambic pentameter. Here goes.

But soft! what light through yonder hot tub breaks?
It is the east, and Harrison is the host!—
Arise, fair host, and kill the contestants’ buzz,
That is already full of ale and grief,

That thou our host art far more fair than them:
Be not afraid, since they are anxious;
Their sheer immorality is but sick and green,

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.--

It is a ROSE; O, it is thy love!
O, that we knew it were!--
He speaks, yet he says nothing: what of that?

Wes H. discourses, who will answer it.—

Dave is too bold, 'tis him, O jackass, speak!
Two of the cheapest tramps in all the mansion,
Having some business, do retreat to the Deliberation Room (alright, this is hard)
To wiggle in their pants till they return.

What of their votes were there, they in their head?
The frankness of their votes would send but two home,
As daylight doth a lamp; their votes in wood box
Would through the airy mansion stream so bright

That Tenley sings and thinks it were not night.--
See how our host counts the votes with his hand!
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might get that rose!

Translation: Ashley, Kiptyn, Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Wes, Krisily, Kovacs, and Elizabeth all get roses and the Weatherman and Gia are sent packing after Angry Dave breaks a tie vote and elects to keep Elizabeth instead of Gia. Jackass.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Until next week. If you need me, I’ll be practicing my iambic pentameter. DP

Bachelor Pad Episode 2: There's No "I" in "Uterus"

Welcome back forlorn Bachelor fans. Here we are in week two of our least favorite time filler, The Bachelor Pad, and things are beginning to heat up. This week’s lead in promised more crying, more sex, and more tension. Strategies begin to unfold like Natalie after a bottle of cheap wine and alliances begin to stick like the sheets in the community bedroom. Before we get started I wanted to let you know that I’m working on another entry that I will probably post later this week. I’ll keep its content a secret, but I’ll let y’all know when I post. As always, thanks for taking the time to stop your respective days and read what spills from my brain between 11pm and 2am Central Standard Time right here in the great State of Texas. A special shout out goes to the friendly folks I frolicked with at Barton Springs Pool this weekend. It’s always humbling to be around people with far more tattoos than me. I actually saw a guy with the artwork from the cover of Led Zeppelin I across his entire back. Whether you’re partial to that sort of thing or not, you have to respect that type of commitment. Let’s get to it.

We begin with the booze fest that took place after last week’s rose ceremony. Of course, none of us can remember who got kicked off and, frankly, it doesn’t matter anyway. Angry Dave let’s us know that he and his pseudo beard are relieved to be done with the ceremony. Jackass. Elizabeth immediately throws her meat hooks into “Kovacs” and attempts to disguise her desperation for his attention as a viable game strategy. She looked less like Lindsey Lohan this week but still had on enough eye liner and mascara to scare a raccoon. Defeated, Kovacs realizes that it’s better to placate her rather than piss her off. Ironically, a man usually has to be married for a while in order to learn that lesson. He reevaluates his plan and lets us know that he’s going to go with the “couple strategy.” Whatever, dude. Sleeping with a crazy chick is never a good idea. Voluntarily locking yourself in a house with that same crazy chick and a bunch of other single people is an even worse idea. You should have never have left the winery. Some of life’s lessons are learned the hard way, I suppose.

We cut next to Natalie canoodling with Tattoo Jesse on what we hope is disposable patio furniture. Of course, she’s drinking and we get a bit of foreshadowing as a semi-bored looking Jesse refers to Natalie as a “rad chick.” He “can’t wait to find out more about her” he tells us and, as we’ll learn later in the show, he finds out more than he wanted to know. Apparently, all he had to do to find out more about her was to read the graffiti in the men’s bathroom or inspect the rug burns on her knees. Apparently, she’s given more rides than the Long Island Rail Road. In the meantime, they suck face to respectable camera angles and we all sighed and wondered if she chose to wear underwear this time. The designated make-out guitar music plays over the scene and we picture the guy hired to be the make-out guitarist regretting his failure to negotiate his pay on a per make-out scene basis rather than settling for a flat fee.

We then get a sneak peak at this season’s annoying Survivor-esque classification of our contestants. There are “Insiders” and “Outsiders” and the house is ready to divide like the House of Usher. More about that later. First, it’s time to eat some pie. We learn upon awakening in the community brothel that it’s “Challenge Day.” Incidentally, I noticed that some of the guys and girls were wearing similar t-shirts, hats, and accessories this week. I wondered if upon arrival they were given gift bags full of free swag. I suppose the men would get a t-shirt, a hat, condoms, and a pack of wet wipes while the women would get a pregnancy test and a free prescription for the morning after pill. Save the Weatherman, of course, whose gift basket would contain a pinwheel, a Judy Garland CD, and some salve for the rug burns on his knees.

The previously silent Peyton is our set up vehicle and tells us in her odd accent a la Julie from the movie Valley Girl (1983-ish?) that the entire situation “could totally just all go bananas.” Fer sure, Peyton. Fer sure.

After gagging myself with a spoon, I listened intently at the classification of the “Outsiders” vs. the “Insiders.” Peyton, Krisily, Gia, Gwen, and Nikki are apparently the “Outsiders.” Translation: All of the girls who no one will sleep with or who voluntarily won’t put out. Easy enough. The sluts get all the attention. That’s nothing new, right? I was just glad that I didn’t have to wonder if Pony Boy and Sodapop Curtis were going to get a lickin’ from their older brother Daryl for staying out too late at Dallas Winston’s party but I was disappointed that Cherry Valance wouldn’t be making an appearance. Outsiders, indeed.

Melissa Rycroft shows up early in a size zero dress and a pair of white pumps. Remember, she’s blocking for Harrison. He doesn’t get up early for this nonsense and the party doesn’t start until he shows up anyway. The Weatherman worries more than a stray hamster in a San Francisco night club about his ability to compete with the macho men of the house.

Harrison shows up in untucked gingham and jeans and shows Rycroft how it’s done. Watch and learn, Melissa. Harrison lets everyone know that we’re gonna have a good ole fashioned pie eatin’ contest. Are you kidding me? I asked myself as I sipped a Lone Star beer and chuckled. A pie eating contest? Subtle. As if that wasn’t Freudian enough, Harrison tells us that it’s a cherry pie (again, subtle) and the winner must fully devour it in order to earn a safety rose and a date. Melissa gets to mention that hands cannot be used.

Ladies first. Considering that most of these women are familiar with the concept of binging and purging, I was hopeful that the contest would go smoothly. Hold the phone, though. Krisily pulls a confused Harrison aside and informs him . . . sniffle sniffle . . . that like a 70’s female tennis player, she’s eaten plenty of pie in the past; however, she’s recently had her gall bladder removed and can’t risk eating large amounts of food. The look on Harrison’s face was priceless. Excused, Krisily retires to the back of the pack in order to long for her forgotten gall bladder and wonder why her parents named her Krisily. That name sounds like a word you’d hear in Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky. Let’s try it.

’Twas brillig, and the Krisily toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All Krisily were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, Harrison!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the Krisily foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And Krisily as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the Krisily toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All Krisily were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

See, I told you. It totally works. Annnnyyyhooo . . .

I found it odd how funneling down an inordinate amount of alcohol with no gall bladder is perfectly fine, but throw in a cherry pie and she runs away like Forrest Gump from a pack of bullies. I wondered if she’d been checked for mold sickness as well.

The contest begins as we watch the humiliation unfold. Of course, shirts come off and we get some gratuitous bikini and sports bra boob shots. Gia takes a seat at the end of the table and she’s clearly wearing her game face. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. Thanks to Mister Botox and Senor Collagen her game face looks exactly the same as her sad face, happy face, angry face, pouty face, and O-face. Regardless, she’s ready to eat some pie.

Tenley, Gia, and Natalie puke and the first two press on like champions. Tenley whines a bit, but rallies and Gia goes to town with encouragement from Wes. Natalie gets up to puke and then retires to the house to finish her morning Kegels and carefully hold the wand up to the light at the right angle in order to determine if there’s a plus or minus sign on it. Harrison supplies trash cans for some puking and compliments Jessie S. for “goin’ after it.” Oddly enough, she received the identical compliment multiple times from the production crew the night before. Gia eats her own pie and wins the rose. Frankly, I was impressed with Tenley and Gia. As we’ll see in a minute, they proved themselves to be far more resilient than the “tough” guys of the house like Angry Dave. Jackass.

We cut next to the neurotic mess that is the Weatherman as he fears an inability to stack up to the larger, more masculine “men” of the house despite wearing his “Truth” Affliction shirt. Is it just me or can everyone not wait until that entire brand goes out of style right along with Ed Hardy and their ilk? Bedazzled calligraphy? Bedazzled gothic crosses? Awful. I suppose the Weatherman would have been more excited if it would have been a hot dog eating contest but that’s an entirely different discussion. As the men sat down I noticed that the Weatherman was the only male in the house without facial hair. I found that ironic considering the fact that the Weatherman is the only one in the house who actually needs a beard. I realize that most of you won’t get that joke, but those of you who do will laugh hard enough to compensate for the others.

Moving on we cut to Angry Dave—jackass—who tells us that he likes his chances because he eats six meals a day and is physically fit. Whatever. I suppose if this was a Power Bar eating contest or a contest to see who could drink a gallon jug full of protein shake he would have a point. Spending an entire paycheck at GNC on Muscle Milk and various other non-FDA approved placebos does not qualify you to do anything. Jackass.

The men begin to eat and Kovacs and Angry Dave—the early favorites—roll over faster than Natalie on first date. Jackass. McCheesy inexplicably puts his hair into the pie and lets us know that his hair is “a multi-purpose tool.” Yea, so are you Craig. So are you. The Weatherman finds his groove and begins to school the rest of the men on how to eat a cherry pie. The irony was literally killing me. Angry Dave concedes defeat to the Weatherman during his one-on-one as we see the Weatherman emphatically win the contest. Sexuality questions aside, I was glad he won. We all like the Weatherman. As they say in certain parts of East Texas, “Bless his little heart.”

Pie eating settled we move on to strategy talk as Gia and the Weatherman enjoy their victories. Jessie S. and McCheesy discuss his Sean Penn from Dead Man Walking haircut and agree to watch out for each other. Gia and the Weatherman talk post-shower and Gia begins to show that she’s not an idiot. The Insider alliance of Natalie, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kiptyn, Kovacs, and Angry Dave (Jackass) is revealed and Gia begins to hatch a plan to unwind it. She suggests people for the Weatherman to take on his date and he appears to listen. I pictured his rational self in his Weatherman suit standing on one shoulder and his neurotic self standing on the other in an Affliction shirt.

The Date Card arrives and Krisily, demonstrating that gall bladder removal does not effect a person’s ability to suck up to people in positions of power, dutifully retrieves the date card for the Weatherman. Weatherman reads the “reveal your true selves” card and shuns Krisily’s frumious Bandersnatch as chooses Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley for the date. Kovacs is the first of the drunken Insiders to realize that the Weatherman is actually a legitimate threat. Of course he is. We all recall that closeted gay guy we went to high school with who was friends with all of the girls to the extent that he got invited to slumber parties and was even permitted to watch them change clothes. There was always one of the girls in the group who would sleep with him in order to un-gay him, but it never worked. We all know that guy and, God willing, we’ll run into him at our reunion where he will have finally embraced his big gay self in order to lead an open, honest life. That guy in this scenario is the Weatherman. Unthreatening and unassuming get you places that macho and overbearing don’t. Angry Dave should learn that. Jackass.

The Weatherman limos the ladies to some warehouse on the outside of town where they go inside and he dons a Speedo and gets finger painted by the ladies. That was just weird. Back at Gomorrah with all of that pesky morality, scruples, and conscious gone, the Insiders go outside to have a party inside the hot tub and the Outsiders stay inside to strategize outside the earshot of the Insiders. Outside of the house and inside the warehouse, the Weatherman pulls Peyton aside to see whether she’ll side with the Insiders or the Outsiders and she says it would be suicide to side with the Insiders since she is, in fact, an Outsider so she’s happy to decide to stay inside the Outsiders’ alliance and the Weatherman is beside himself because he feels that Peyton is a bona fide Outsider. He then chooses to confide in Ashley who is undecided as to her Outside or Inside status and proceeds to deride some of the folks on the Outside but fails to commit to the Inside until her doubt subsides. The Weatherman then takes Gwen outside to share some feelings he has for her on the inside as they sit on the West side of the building. Clearly, Gwen is an Outsider and she chooses to ride the Weatherman’s affection for her but makes it clear that he will never be inside of her. Convinced that she will abide and glad she complied with the Outside alliance instead of seeking to divide from the Inside, he gives her the rose and confides in her. In the meantime, the Insiders sit poolside and realize they’re too drunk to strategize. Phew . . . this is confusing.

Cut to the standard warm ups and wife beaters in the kitchen shots as we see the hung over bunch getting ready for some coffee and Red Bull as Angry Dave and his sideways ball cap suck up to Gia and her pie eating rose date power. Jackass. The date card comes and Gia fights through the ever stiffening collagen and Botox in order to read it. “Love is Intense” it reads as we ponder her Sheena of the Jungle headband and weird upper arm jewelry selection. Gia chooses McCheesy and Wes and fakes like she randomly chose Jesse B. by putting cards with only his name in a bowl and “randomly” selecting him. Check out the Big Brain on Gia! That move impressed me, as did the way she carried herself and directed the strategy—well, right up until she got tipsy and began to think with her hoo ha, but that’s a separate issue.

Date slots in place, Gia finds the Weatherman and talks some serious strategy. Sober, she really seemed to have a grip on the game and the correct moves to make. Look, she’s not Bobby Fisher, but then again Natalie is not Boris Kasparov either. She’s more like Whoris Myclothesarov. Despite making perfect sense, the Weatherman refuses to buy into the strategy until Gia gets so emotional she almost wrinkled her forehead. She gets the Weatherman on board and proceeds to get ready for the big date.

In the meantime Angry Dave (jackass), Kiptyn, and Kovacs ignore the homosexual coincidence that all of their shirts match and try and manage a cohesive strategy despite the mixture of protein shakes, testosterone, Red Bull, and alcohol coursing through their veins. Gia gets McCheesy alone, ignores his super feminine leg cross, and lays out her plan. McCheesy actually did an excellent job of rehabilitating his tattered image from Ali’s season. It’s amazing what completing 6 of the 12 steps in time for filming can do to a guy. She unequivocally promises him the rose and McCheesy is McHappy.

After reading their pregnancy tests Ashley, Natalie, and Elizabeth share a brain cell and think real super hard to figure out the best way to keep all of them drinking for free for at the mansion for another couple of weeks. Elizabeth definitely received some image help and we can imagine that after last week’s Lohan impression the Producers decided to send in the hair and makeup team to rescue her. It’s amazing what a little cover up, and a Chi 67869 Turbo Hair Straightening Iron and the Chi Pro Ionic Hair Dryer with Low EMF can do for a girl. Incidentally, what’s the deal with “Low EMF?” Is that the female equivalent to Martinizing? How is that even measured and why does it matter? How does the Chi Pro Ionic Hair Dryer differ from the cheap ConAir one I can buy at the local pharmacy? What’s a Pro Ion? I have so many questions. Regardless, Elizabeth looked stable this week. We’ll see if she completes the makeover by ditching the black Sharpie she used to line her eyes for a tasteful amount of eye liner and mascara next week.

Gia and Jesse paint henna on each other’s hands in favor of the inexplicable Moroccan dinner theme and he becomes putty in her hands. Let’s face it. Gia is hot. She’s cool too and 25 year old guys who live in small Missouri towns with their dogs don’t get to be close to a lot of Gia’s on a regular basis. Gia talks and Jesse eyes her jugs as if they were speakers projecting her voice into his ears. The best part was when she claimed to respect his “relationship” with Natalie and he disowned it faster than a gay stepson. Gia hopes aloud that Jesse is not “throwing smoke up her butt.” Jesse was thinking of throwing something somewhere else, but Gia did her job to get him on board.

Back at the Slut Shack Kovacs and Elizabeth talk strategy in the hot tub and she characterizes herself as a “dumb smart girl” and proceeds to throw herself at him. Well, two of those three words are true. After all that heavy thinkin’ it’s time for a hot shower and the resident guitar player strums his favorite porn theme as Elizabeth makes her father proud by showering on camera with Kovacs. You’ve got to love a lady. She’s about as much a lady as Eliza Doolittle was before she met Henry Higgins. Trampy is as trampy does.

Back at the circus tent, Gia and an incredibly slurry Wes give each other hand jobs and discuss how much they love each other. I’ll give Wes credit, the guy is a charmer. He and Gia have the standard “I love you” talk that all drunk people have and she turns off her brain in favor of her uterus. She gives the rose to Wes as McCheesy and the rest of us sit there dumbfounded. Props to Wes for making a run for the end zone, but I don’t think he did himself any favors by getting the rose. He’s a fringe guy and he’s liked by both the Outsiders and the Insiders. The smart move would have been to keep McCheesy, but hey, let’s give credit where credit is due. Don’t be surprised if that move comes back to haunt him.

Back at the mansion the Outsiders ponder Gia’s slip and fall as Angry Dave gets some hot tub time with Jessie S. Jackasses. Krisily sits strategically among the borrogroves as Angry Dave and Jessie S. gyre and gimble in the wabe. Convinced that Jessie S. is a two-faced hussy, Krisily seeks out Kiptyn and claims that up to this point she’s “tried to play Switzerland.” I found that ironic considering that Jessie S. was like France: she allowed herself to be invaded by an army of men.

In the meantime, Jesse B., fresh off his Gia encounter, sits Natalie down and she actually confirms that she’s “made the rounds” with the other guys in the house. Jesse B. gives her the “great time” and “full of energy” speech and dumps Natalie like the drunken tramp that she’s acted like. Man, facing reality is a bitch, isn’t it? Off camera we hear all of Natalie’s chickens coming home to roost and she realizes that she’ll have to spend at least one night alone lying in the bed that she’s made for herself. Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes. In the meantime, Gia owns her mistake and tries to keep her plan in action. I’ll give her credit for admitting fault and trying to fix it. She did a nice job.

Harrison enters the room with the ubiquitous champagne class and butter knife and summons everyone into the house where they all pretend that his black and white plaid shirt and dark suit match his purple polka dotted tie. Look, everyone knows that I love Harrison, but even he couldn’t pull that one off. It looked like he packed the wrong tie. I prefer to think that he knew how ridiculous he looked but chose to move forward in order to mock the frivolity of the entire situation. Let’s go with that. I’ll be able to sleep comfortably now.

McCheesy sports his Sonny Crocket yellow t-shirt and white sport coat. Did that look just make it up to Canada? I have a hard time believing that Miami Vice just made it that far North. Harrison stirs the pot and Elizabeth takes the bait in an attempt to justify the shower banging she did on camera. She makes the cardinal mistake of comparing her “relationship” with Kovacs to Kiptyn and Tenley’s relationship. By the way, what was Kovacs wearing? A purple oxford, jeans, and a vest? He looked like he should be valet parking cars at the mansion instead of waiting for a rose ceremony. Odd.

Tenley, put off by the obvious attack on her purity, drops a classic line on Elizabeth. “Maybe there’s a physical difference” in the relationship, she points out. For those of you who don’t remember, Tenley is the one who was a virgin before she got married and then her husband cheated on her despite her penchant for performing innocent but adequately sexy interpretive dances for him, forcing her to get a divorce and tour the country as Belle, Cinderella, and Ariel. Sorry for the explanation, I wasn’t sure if that information had been made public yet. Elizabeth digests Tenley’s comment and realizes that’s how a nice person calls out a whore. Realizing she’s hurt someone’s feelings despite the fact that she told the truth, Tenley cries and as her tears hit the ground they morph into wonderful little lightening bugs and whiz around the room like fireworks exploding in the night sky before making the trip to Heaven.

Some pre-rose ceremony chit chat takes place as Natalie, Elizabeth, and Ashley take another pregnancy test and attempt to understand the concept of a majority. Natalie sports a tutu she borrowed from Tenley’s costume chest. Angry Dave calls out Jessie S. for being in cahoots with McCheesy. Jackass. She denies everything and the scrambling begins. It sucks to be called a liar Jessie S. but it’s fair to be called a liar when someone catches you in a lie.

Gwen shows off her nose job, Nikki talks a good game but cracks like aged porcelain when Kiptyn attempts to swing her vote. She looks like Sandra Bullock if Sandra Bullock was a size 18. Ironically, like Gia, she let her uterus override her brain and changes her vote, saving Kiptyn and ousting a dumbfounded McCheesy. Thankfully, Jessie S.’s 15 minute clock hit 14:59 as she was ousted along with McCheesy. I found it ironic that both Gia and Nikki, who had a brilliant and effective strategy going into the dates, made a mistake classically attributed to men: thinking below the waist. We’ll see how that pans out in the weeks to come.

Tenley, Jesse B., Peyton, Nikki, Ashley, Angry Dave (jackass), Elizabeth, Natalie, Kovacs, Krisily, and Kiptyn survive along with Gia, Gwen, Weatherman, and Wes as we move toward Episode 3. Pregnancies averted, sheets washed, and wet bar refilled we head in to next week. The previews looked interesting. Until next time, take care of yourselves. If you need me, I’ll be thinking below the waist. DP

Bachelor Pad Episode 1: Whore-derves Anyone?

Hello faithful Bach fans and welcome to the six week off season fill in known as The Bachelor Pad. Frankly, I don’t know how many of you will keep watching and/or reading this, but I plan to cover all six episodes. You know, to keep my steel trap wit from rusting. The problem with that is that watching this show almost requires a dim wit. Props to ABC for filling the time slot with something tempting enough to keep the built-in Bach audience and props to Harrison for garnering another fat series of paychecks. Let’s get to it.

We begin as we always do with these tangential shows: with a short recap extolling the virtues of the concept of the 28 day whirlwind “journey for love.” We are reminded that Ryan and Trista are still married and that Jason and Molly got married too. Sure there are two couples who took the plunge. . . . “but then,” Harrison tells us . . . “there’s everyone else.”

Limo shots of crying, crying, and more crying. Again, props to ABC for retooling old, dusty footage of season’s past. The production cost for the show was still at zero. Why are we here we all asked ourselves? I mean it just seems so simple. These people didn’t find love and now they’re back searching for money, right? Not so fast. Amidst “love, hookups, betrayal, backstabbing, cheating, scandal, and a whole lot of crying” this bunch is banking on a second chance at love and a shot at 250 grand.

Bikinis, fast cars, a single bedroom, racy challenges, and tons of booze. The next ten minutes were nothing more than a montage of the previews we’ve been seeing for the last few months on ABC. Again, production cost, zero. Oh, but we’re in for a real treat. Let’s face it. Basically, it’s Survivor without the island and with the strong possibility of venereal diseases. We get it.

We learn that Juan and Nikki had a one night stand. Gross. We learn that Wes is now the “biggest villain in Bachelorette history.” We learn that Kiptyn and Tenley will find romance as they try and decide who has a more ridiculous name. Apparently, “everyone is hoping” that they find love. Right. I don’t think Obama mentioned that in his education speech the other day, but I could have missed it. In classic Harrison narration, he lets us know that Crazy Michelle will lose her mind . . . again. Actually, I took exception at that comment. Not because she’s not a whack job, but because it presupposes that she got her mind back after her last meltdown.

With the set up done and redone, Harrison emerges looking markedly less formal in his jeans, loafers, sport coat and untucked oxford. After all, there’s money on the line here and we don’t want to cheapen the search for love by formalizing something ridiculous. Let’s meet the contestants.

1. Tenley. We remember her. Interpretive dances, touring the country bringing smiles to the faces of little girls from coast to coast as Cindrella, Belle, and the Little Mermaid. Ah yes. Giggly, perky, sweet, innocent, flexible Tenley. Let’s not forget that her “my ex-husband cheated on me even though I remained a virgin until I got married before he dumped me for a trashy woman who would put out” story. How could we forget that story? Just in case we did, Tenley reminds us about it after she jumps around like a six year old waiting on Timberlake’s limo to arrive. Her hot pink off the shoulder ruffly shirt and white short shorts suited her. She looked good. I always liked her. She’s too nice for this show, though.

2. Tattoo Jesse. We saw him on the Men Tell All a couple weeks ago. He looks the same. He’s opted for the standard five o’clock plus a little more shadow. He’s happy to see Harrison and gives him the cool handshake to prove it.

3. Dumb Natalie. Good lord. We all remember her from her famous “I like bears” line that served as the nail in her coffin on the Vegas date with that crying wus, Mesnick. She’s dumb as a box of hammers and as loose as an unhinged shutter in a hurricane. After Tenley screams and jumps around at the sight of her, Natalie quickly gloms on to the only male in the room, Tattoo Jesse. She’s like an on ramp and she’s ready to prove it.

4. Angry Dave. I have to confess, this guy pisses me off. Read my past posts; particularly the one where I went to the wine tasting in Austin when he was there with Wes, Jesse K., Mike M., and Tanner P. He’s a macho jackass. He too sports the five o’clock and them some shadow. He shows up and exits the Town Car in a stupid shirt, stupid jeans, stupid shoes, with a stupid look on his stupid face. He properly executes Harrison the macho “bro” handshake as spelled out in the Man Code Book he’s so fond of and proceeds into the house in search of alcohol. Welcome back, jackass.

5. Gwen. The Carol Brady of the house. How they talked her into being a part of this Tom Foolery is beyond me. Her age is listed as “??” meaning she’s over 40. Shouldn’t she be on a Housewives of Wherever show by now? She, like Tenley, is too nice for this show. Angry Dave comments on her age as he sucks back his first beer. Jackass. Natalie sees him and throws herself at him too for good measure.

6. Jessie the Narc. She’s the one with the hot body who told on Justin “Rated R” Rego because she was so “concerned” for Ali’s well-being. Tenley squeals with delight again as she walks through the door. Congrats on extending your 15 minutes. For some reason we didn’t see her emerge from the Town Car. She was probably putting her dress back on in one of the Producer’s trailers.

7. Weatherman. I love the Weatherman. I’ll give him credit for being such a neurotic mess and still having the stones to walk into the lions’ den. Harrison appears to like him too as he exits the limo. I reminded myself that David killed Goliath, but somehow didn’t see the Weatherman donning a loin cloth and a slingshot to take down Craig M. In true Weatherman form, he immediately starts praying to the camera that Craig M. will not be invited. Fat chance.

8. Nikki. Speaking of neurotic. Remember her? Body issues, man issues, hater of everything fun. Yes, that Nikki. Top it all of with the fact that she got loaded and slept with that putz Juan on some reunion cruise and she’s ready to come unglued. She and her giant chandelier earrings pretend to be “euphoric” about sharing a room with 18 other grown children. My bet is she melts down early.

9. Juan. At 37, he’s old enough to know better. He pretends to “have dated” Nikki, but we all know what that means. Harrison lets him know about two feet from the Town Car that Nikki and her bruised feelings are inside waiting for him and he looks none too thrilled to see her. Natalie opines that Juan “had to sleep with Nikki when he came to Chicago so he could have a free room in the city.” I’m certain Sherlock Holmes would have reached a different conclusion, but hey, Natalie is as Natalie does. Sleeping with strange men is to her what salt was to the Middle Eastern nomads centuries ago. After hearing her comments, the Producers order an intern to put one of those red take a number dispensers on her bedpost. She continues to drink.

10. Wes. Ahh, Wes. For those of you who have been reading me you’ll know that I actually like Wes. Sure, he’s a cheese, but he’s not the bad guy that he got roped into appearing like on Jillian’s season. He gets a “what’s up dude” from Harrison, confirms he’s single after a pregnant pause, quotes his “Love Don’t Come Easy” song, and enters the house where Angry Dave gives him what appeared to be a big gay hug. Upon further examination, it was clear that the Man Code Book permits brief displays of affection between “bros” if they are followed by a “smokin’ hot chick” comments and a swig of alcohol. Natalie chimes in between deciding who she’ll bang first and refers to Wes as a “huge ginormous as*hole.” She’s a huge ginormous tramp. Let’s hope my faith in Wes is not ill founded. I hope he can rally and improve his image here. Like I said, he’s a cheese, but he’s not a bad guy.

11. Krisily. Huh? Upon seeing her name on screen I thought they were simply announcing the type of pasta on the Bach Pad buffet. Like the Weatherman, I have no idea who she is.

12. Elizabeth. Oh boy. At first, I thought that Lindsey Lohan came straight from prison to be on the show. She’s blonde now and has clearly employed Ali’s hair dresser. She actually drops a “blonds have more fun” on Harrison. Seventies catch phrases aside-- What. A. Freaking. Mess. More about her later, but she’s about as stable as a Haitian hut. She exits the Town Car in a royal blue evening gown with a white belt looking like Violet Beauregard before she ate the Everlasting Gobstopper, turned purple, and swelled up before being rolled away by the Oompa Loompas.

13. Jesse K. Also sporting the ridiculous crunchy tussled hair and five o’clock and them some shadow, Jesse exits the Town Car and lets us know that he “hooked up a few times” with Elizabeth but considers them friends now. Good luck with that. Any man eventually learns that the Friends Card can’t be played by anyone but the woman. We soon find out that Elizabeth left the Friends Card back at home on her bathroom vanity right next to her peroxide and her sanity. He’s in for a treat.

14. Kiptyn. Emerges in his black t-shirt and army jacket. Harrison checks the status of the abs and Tenely squeals like a castrated pig when she sees him. Tenley lets us know that she and Kiptyn “have hung out and done dinner and stuff a bunch of times.” I assume that “and stuff” means that they talked about how she was a virgin until she got married and then her husband cheated on her. . . and stuff. She hugs Kiptyn knowingly and he seemed glad to see her too. That’s clearly “on.”

15. Ashley. No comment.

16. Peyton. No comment

17. Crazy Michelle. Minimal comment.

We realize that these three are probably the first three women to go. They should have saved us the aggravation. In the interim, we get a shot of Wes, Jesse K., and Angry Dave. “There’s some freakin’ hot chicks here, man,” spouts Angry Dave through his stupid face. Jackass.

18. Gia. She shows up and all of the men stop in their tracks. Her J.Lo accent knocks her down a couple notches. Who am I kidding, she’s hot. She lets us know that she has a boyfriend. No one cares, especially Wes. I’m actually rooting for her. I gave her a hard time last season, but she won me over in the last couple of episodes. She’s a bit too modelly for me, but seems cool.

19. Craig M. (“McCheesy”). For those of you new to the blog, I christened this d-bag “McCheesy” last season because he looks like Patrick Dempsy’s (“Dr. McDreamy”) less talented, less attractive older brother. He made an ass of himself last season and he’s back doing the same thing again in his too small aqua shirt and white Capri pants and boat shoes. Really? This guy is from Canada for God’s sake. Do they even have summer up there? He enters, macho handshakes everyone, and the Weatherman shakes in his rain boots. That’s clearly “on” as well.

There it is. The line up. Left alone with free booze, the group discusses world changing issues such as love, money, and how tall different people are. Harrison puts an end to it all with the ubiquitous champagne glass. However, in a not-so-subtle move, Harrison trades in the fork for a butter knife. Clearly, Harrison was accenting the phallic symbolism of the butter knife clashing against the empty champagne flute in an attempt to provide us with foreshadowing for the show. He’s a genius.

THE RULES: 19 people, 1 chance at $250K, and unlimited chances at “love.” They compete. Winners get a rose and can take three people on a date and award one rose. Roses stay. The others are voted out by the opposite sex. Simple.

Harrison announces that “his friend” Melissa Rycroft will be his co-host. I can see the pre-production meeting now.

Producer: Come on CH, it’s a ton of money. Look, you can wear hot pink golf shirts and jeans and you won’t have to tuck in your dress shirts with your sport coat.

CH: F that. I’m not agreeing to s*it if I have to show up at the mansion after dark. This is the off season damn it and the women of L.A. are counting on seeing me in various drinking establishments across Orange County.

Producer: Alright, what if we bring in someone. . . say, Melissa Rycroft . . . someone familiar to the audience and with the show who can take all of the s*it assignments for you? You know. She’ll be kind of like that young news reporter who gets sent to report from gang infested Watts at 11pm at night while the anchor sits in the cozy confines of the studio?

CH: Fine, but I want to use a butter knife instead of a fork to ding the champagne glass in order to subtly accent the sexual tension around the house and I want to introduce Melissa as my friend so the audience thinks that this was my idea. Now get out of here and let these two young Asian women finish my hot rock massage.

Done deal. Melissa rubs in the fact that she’s got a personal trainer, won Dancing with the Stars, and has found happiness in marriage. Everyone else laments the fact that the only thing that getting kicked off the show did for them was to get them involved in drunken on night stands on dirty cruise ships and some time on a new reality show.

Dumb Natalie and the rest of the bunch drink some more as they explore the house and discover that there’s one bedroom. Natalie sluts it up by showing us that she’s not wearing underwear (literally), Nikki hates all of the fun, and Tenley jumps on the top bunk reminding herself that she has an identical set up right next to her doll house at home, you know, for sleepovers and stuff. Angry Dave retires to the pool and tells us that, smokin’ hot or not, chicks are really really sneaky. Jackass.

Rycroft cuts off the booze and whore-derves and announces the first competition. It’s Twister and the guys are going to go head-to-rear end against the girls. In the yard sits a giant Twister board and we imagine that the Producers had Natalie rub, kiss, and caress a small Twister board until it became excited and grew into a big Twister board.

I’m going to gloss over the Twister match. Let’s just say that some of the shots were done with a sigmoidoscope. I haven’t seen anything that gratuitous on prime time television since. . .well, ever. After half of the bunch got eliminated for a failure to recall right from left, Jessie and her tight little bikini ended up losing to McCheesy and his hair and the girls’ plan to oust him was thwarted. Good God, it’s going to be a long six weeks. The highlight of the entire thing was seeing Harrison in his hot pink, untucked knit shirt and jeans. Sure, he’s casual, but he still displayed his bling bling Cartier watch to let us know he’s the Man. Rycroft was annoying. After the heated competition we get a recap of the rules again, again, and again. Two hours is a lot of time to fill.

Sitting pretty, McCheesy emerges in his tiny teal shirt, linen capris, loafers, and obnoxious Rat Pack hat. He looked ridiculous. He reminds us that he’s got the best spot in the “hoose” and he’s ready to talk “aboot” who he will choose for his date. I was reminded of a major difference between Canada and America. In America, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it’s a misdemeanor.

McCheesy talks to a few of the broads around the hoose, convinces Elizabeth to give him a chance, and Crazy Michelle gets her claws ready. During night one, several people are awakened by the sound of kissing and rolling around in the sheets and Tenley opines that Michelle made her move on McCheesy in order to win the date. That’s never confirmed and I wondered if it wasn’t just the Weatherman enjoying some alone time in his bunk.

Rumor mill ignited, Crazy Michelle’s fuse is lit. But first, McCheesy gets the date card. He invites Jessie (they agreed on it during the Twister match), Gwen (safe choice), and Elizabeth. Elizabeth pretends Jesse K. cares and he looks relieved to get her out of the house for 4 hours. McCheesy and the girls musk up for the date as Natalie runs outside to caress, kiss, and fondle the Town Car in order for it to grow into a limo. Everyone thanks Natalie for the effort and they get in the limo in their swimsuits to head for the beach. Elizabeth sticks up for the Weatherman but proves how easy she is when McCheesy almost moves in for the kiss. Jessie is glad to have her 15 minutes extended in an environment where she can show off her smokin’ hot Canadian assets, and Gwen gets no camera time.

Back at the Brothel, Natalie makes out with Tattoo Jesse ignoring the fact that he loves outdoors and kisses his dogs. She lets him know that she’s a NASCAR fan. After all, like her, race car drivers burn a lot of rubbers. Jesse looks relieved that he’s won Natalie’s affections for the moment. Well, at least until the other guys get correct change. Juan and Gia talk and she praises him for “not like thinking with like his penis.” I took offense at that comment. How do you think I type this blog?

McCheesy boots Gwen and Elizabeth at the Greek Theater and attempts to dance the evening away with Jessie. Can someone PLEASE learn how to lead a woman around the dance floor on this show? Is that just a Texas thing, or am I nuts? For God’s sake, that was painful to watch. Ice skating is harder than dancing and everyone in Canada can do that. Elizabeth and Gwen plot McCheesy’s demise as they head back to the house of ill repute. She looks like Lindsey Lohan again.

Jesse K. has to deal with the mess that is Elizabeth. She “loves” him as we literally feel his regret as he replays the series of drunken one night stands that put him in this position. Brutal. That’s what you get for sleeping with a crazy chick, dude. Put that in your Man Code Book and smoke it.

Incidentally, Elizabeth is what we men refer to as “Third Date Crazy.” That’s actually worse than Michelle Crazy. Here’s the difference. Women like Michelle can be spotted miles away. They might as well wear a big orange vest and carry a flag that says “I’m Freaking Crazy.” Dodging girls like that is easy. Elizabeth on the other hand appears sane, together, and fun when you meet her. She regales you with fun stories, flirts effectively, and plays hard to get. Interested, you ask for her number and she obliges. After a few phone conversations, you ask her out. Date one is perfect. Dinner, conversation, and even a brief “excuse me for a second, I need to call my mother back so she doesn’t worry about me” intermission. Everything SEEMS normal. Date two goes well and she let’s you get to second base, perhaps third depending on the quality of the wine you buy her at the steakhouse. You close the deal on date number three and BAM, she comes unwound like a Roy Hobbs home run ball and sparks fly. Third. Date. Crazy.

Unfortunately, that kind of crazy is really hard to pick up. I treat it the same way I’d treat seeing a red, yellow, and black striped snake in the wild. None of that “red and yellow kill a fellow or red and black friend of Jack” stuff. You treat a girl like Elizabeth the same way you’d treat a pistol, a grenade, or Sean Penn: You always assume they are loaded. Jesse K. learned that lesson the hard way.

Speaking of loaded, Natalie continues to drink and takes a break from doing her Kegels in order to suck face with Tattoo Jesse some more. I really hope she paces herself with the drinking and carrying on. It would be terrible if she had to have a kidney transplant or something. Actually, it would be ironic if she had to have a kidney transplant because that’s the only time her body might actually reject an organ. Moving on, Crazy Michelle melts down on Tenley in the bathroom and poor Tenely cries because she got scared. It sucks to be a nice person sometimes. For the eigthly or ninthly time, Tenley realizes that she should just steer clear of the drama.

The “Deliberation Room” is introduced by Harrison. Everyone votes and Crazy Michelle and A-hole Juan get sent packing. No surprises there. In a priceless Bachelor Pad moment, the Weatherman says that Michelle deserved to go home because it’s “hard to put a rose on a strait jacket.” Solid.

After watching this show, I wondered if I was indeed here for the right reasons. It appears that this will be at the very least, entertaining. Thanks for sticking around to read. Please keep the comments coming on the site and on Facebook. We’re growing every week and I enjoy hearing from all of you. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be doing Kegels in my Deliberation Room. DP

Ali Bachelorette Episode 12: After the Final Ho's

Well, here we are at the end of our “journey” and here I sit, fighting the urge to phone this one in. All in all, I found this episode uninteresting, uninspiring, and downright unnecessary. I’m a bit cranky today, though. I had a bunching problem with some new underwear yesterday and that lead to some chaffing issues. For you, the readers, I’m willing to push forward in spite of my need for baby powder and an effective ointment. I’m sure some nude sunbathing will sort it all out.

I want to apologize to all of you who arrived at your offices with smiles on your faces yesterday in anticipation of blowing off whatever email, report, or “follow up item” you owed your damn boss in order to read the blog. I’ve had a busy week professionally and personally and it caught up with me. I promise not to promise what I cannot promise to deliver in the future. If I say it will be posted by X it will be posted by X, plus or minus a few minutes. Thanks for being patient. I hate it when life gets in the way of the fun stuff. In the meantime, let’s get to it.

We begin as we always do with the After the Rose Special. The formula is proven and even Harrison is not inclined to mess with it. Amid the soft red and blue lighting, flowers, and dim candlelight Harrison greets us in his gray suit and white oxford. Love discovered, journey ended, and fat check collected, he looks relieved to be back in the Bach Cave. This show is all fluff—just another big payday before he tells his agent to turn the screws on the network next season. Sure, he agreed to host the Bachelor Pad, but he’s not just doing that for money---he’s doing that for a sh*tload of money. Someone has to keep L.A. strip clubs in business and, let’s face it, that’s not a cheap proposition.

Harrison recaps and resets the season, gives us our requisite teasers, and eventually invites “America’s Sweetheart,” Ali, out for a chat. America’s Sweetheart? I thought that was Ryan Seacrest. Ali appears looking noticeably thinner with a big fat smile on her giggly face. After viewing the season on television in the private confines of whoever’s apartment couch she was crashing on for the last four months (remember, she’s homeless and jobless and she “gave up everything” in search of love), Ali decided that she liked the way she chose to display her knockers in the last three episodes. She also noticed that she’d put on some tonnage just south of the waistline. To satisfy both situations, she appears in a strappy little number with the twins popping out like dough from a half opened can of biscuits with a dress that fits loosely around her waist and her badonkadonk. Six inch heels complete the ensemble. Her hair still looked like Templeton the rat’s nest from Charlotte’s Web.

Full of herself, Ali is “SO” everything. Frankly, even Harrison looked annoyed. She’s been waiting for this moment for “like ever.” Well, four months, but I’m sure when you’re living on a friend’s couch with no responsibilities whatsoever, four months can seem “like ever.” She and Roberto have been checking their handy calendar in anticipation of being a public couple. In the best Harrison moment since, “yea, we don’t care about the dog,” Harrison drops a “don’t out him like that,” about Roberto as Ali shares the calendar story. Ali giggles at the prospect of Roberto being anything but an hombre fuerte y macho and Harrison moves to the ring shot. Ali proudly displays what Neil Lane gave her along with her French manicure.

BOOOOOORRRRRIIINNNGGG….

While rolling my eyes and hitting FFW on my DVR, I was happy to see a commercial for the Bachelor Pad. I watched. This show looks disgusting. Tenley’s crying, Gia’s crying, Angry Dave and Wes are “or what-ing” each other, that manipulative chick from Jake’s season is now blond and seems to be up to her old tricks, and everyone appears to be sleeping with everyone else. Well, except the Weatherman, of course, but you get the picture. It’s like Big Brother with no money and a meth jones. We’ll see what happens next week. Incidentally, I’ve regularly seen Wes Hayden and have talked to the guys in his band here in Austin for the past month now. I assume that means he got kicked off early, but he’s not talking. Based on what I know, it doesn’t appear that he won a dime. Cross him off your office pool.

We return to AFTR and Harrison tries to pretend that everyone still cares about Frank and that chick with the ski slope nose. Regardless, Ali is forced to watch it again as she squirms uncomfortably in her seat constantly adjusting her straps. I thanked God that she was forced to watch herself and her bad extensions mope around the beach just like I had to weeks before. After five months and a whole lot of Roberto lovin’ she could not have cared less. Still, she fulfills the gravy contract and pretends.

Frank took “the easy way out.” She might have given him a rose. After Harrison confirms that Frank backed out of his appearance at the last minute, Ali seems surprised. Whatever. She knew. This would have been “his chance to face just me,” she says. Huh? Yea Ali, you and 13 million viewers; and more importantly, the producers, Harrison, and ABC. I’m sure this is how it went down in Nicole’s dorm room the day before Frank was set to take his Mad Men suit and leave the Windy City.

Ring Ring…

Hello?

Yea, Nicole? This is Justin “Rated R” Rego. I have Roz Papa on the line too. Can we speak with Frank?

Well, he’s pulling an all nighter at Abercrombie & Fitch. It’s inventory night and they just got a new load of oversized, poor quality, torn up jeans and they need to overprice them. He’s having trouble reading the tags since Ali’s mother stole his glasses in Tahiti.

Ok, well, can you tell him not to go on the show because ABC is going to crucify him.

Ok, sure. Thanks for calling. Sorry about your reputations.

Trust me, Frank watched the Justin episode and the Men Tell All Episode. He saw them pile on Justin and he got smart. Frank made the right decision. That could have only ended badly for him. What is there to “clear the air” about anyway? He went on the show, was still in love with someone else, stuck around for an extra episode so it could be worked into the “script,” did what he had to do, and left. End of story. I wonder what part of “I’m in love with someone else, Ali” is so unclear. Also, if she really wants to give Frank an opportunity to “face her” she should Google Alexander Graham Bell. He invented a device called the telephone somewhere around 1876. I’m sure Frank’s number is lying around on a scotch soaked cocktail napkin somewhere in the Hospitality Suite. I found myself wishing that I could travel the world for free for three months and only worry about people being after my cooch for “the right reasons.” Let’s face it. It’s good work if you can get it. I wish someone wanted my cooch.

Commercial. More Bachelor Pad. More “If you want to be on the Bachelor.” Grab a beer. Sigh. Lament my self-imposed situation. Hit FFW.

Next up is Chris L. His “quiet charm and strength” is waiting backstage as we all wonder if he’ll be the next Bachelor. With Zeus-like beneficence, Harrison demonstrates that his is indeed the ruler of the Bach Cave by setting it up and commanding, “Chris, come out here and join me.” Chris L. emerges looking tan, fit, and a bit thinner than before. Despite his poorly fitting jeans and the sport coat he borrowed from dad, the stage make up evened out his rosy cheeks and freckled nose and he looked ready to bag every hot chick in Rhode Island. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Harrison lets Chris L. score some sensitive points and in a very Clinton-esque moment refers to Ali as “that girl.” Chris L. proves himself to be the classy guy we know he is.

I’m going to gloss over most of this part because it was predictable and boring. Some of my favorites were peppered throughout like rainbow sprinkles on a pile of dog s*it. Ali emerges after Chris is forced to relive his Tahitian heartache. She “like like’s” him. “So, So’s” him and “great man’s” him without giving him any closure. Harrison makes sure that the big “I banged you in the Fantasy Suite” gorilla in the corner has plenty of bananas. They don’t want that thing getting upset. After all, Ali’s engaged now and the Fantasy Suite is “like” yesterday’s news. In perhaps the most ironic moment of the interview, Chris. L. tells Harrison that, “you can’t force love.” Really? Because that’s exactly what ABC has been trying to do for the past 10 seasons of the show now and we’ve all been eating it up like a fat kid with a box of cookies. Hell, I started a freaking blog about it.

Chris L. admits that it was “strange” to see Ali after all of this time. How could that have been any more strange than seeing her and sleeping with her after los manos de Roberto had been all over her in the Fantasy Suite the night before? She still had his hand marks on her for God’s sake. Ali does a REALLY poor job of explaining what she learned from her relationship with Chris. Valid and reasonable question, by the way. We see the marked difference between a 25 year old, unemployed, homeless reality star and a 33 year old who’s learned some serious life lessons. Ali pouts and Chris L. thanks her for pouting and Franking him before their date. “Frankly,” I got tired of hearing him kiss her ass. She dumped you on national TV, dude. It’s alright to be a tad unhappy. We’ll see if he’s the next Bachelor. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

Chris L. leaves to manicure the studio grounds and Ali buddies up with Harrison again. She’s “SO” happy even though her “journey” was “SO” hard. For once I agreed. I was certain that both Chris L. and Roberto were hard on her in the Fantasy Suite. Poor Ali.

What transpired next confused me. Basically, Ali admits to Harrison that she knew it was Roberto from the second he stepped out of the limo. All she had to do was read my blog to figure that out. It was beyond obvious. With that in mind, Ali tells us that she exercised her own due diligence in order to be sure. Well, she didn’t say it that way, but I’m certain that’s what she meant. In other words, “I was relieved to know who I was going to pick on the first night but I figured I’d gravy train the free trip, hair extensions, free booze, and skirt chasing for the next 10 weeks before telling everyone I’d decided the second I saw Roberto’s dimples. Frank who?” Exactly. I can’t say I blame her. Like I said, it’s a good gig if you can get it.

She discussed sending Chris L. home prematurely and Harrison wonders aloud if she was nervous that Roberto wouldn’t feel the same way. Allow me to paraphrase her explanation.

“Well, Chris, like I totally told Roberto the first night you know when he like played catch with me and I was SOOO giggly and my extensions were all over the place and like the dress I had on was two sizes smaller than the one I wore with the mosquito net over it during the rose ceremony when Roberto sweated all over me before giving me the free ring that Neil Lane provided to ABC at wholesale cost so they could lock up the exploitation rights to Roberto and I’s wedding. Like. And like he knew the whole time that I was like SOOO happy that I met someone like him and when he showed me his baseball uniform and gave me his jersey I was like I’m SOOO ready for Frank to dump me and leave Chris L. alone in a bungalow in Tahiti it was SOOO impor-ant for me to complete my journey with him. Besides, I totally rocked it on the Fantasy Suite date…twice…and then I totally like promised him that even though I was contractually obligated to go on the Fantasy Suite date with Chris L. the next day that I SOOO didn’t want to and that even though I’d totally like sleep with him and stuff that I would just like lay there instead of totally rocking it. . .twice. . .in Roberto’s suite, so I wasn’t worried, Chris.”

Done deal. Roberto wins. He shows up in a suit that fits him this time and he and Ali nauseatingly giggle and kiss as they discuss getting an apartment in San Diego together. So much for her “career” in San Francisco and so much for his insurance business in Charleston. My favorite part was when Ali pretended like she has “impor-ant” things to do in San Diego. “He’s going to set up his office there and---subtle but telling pause—I’m going to find something to do.” Classic. That one doesn’t even need a punch line.

Roberto tells us that he wants a “normal” life with Ali. Look. I admire his optimism and all, but no he doesn’t. Stick to traveling the world, getting free s*it, doing interviews, and riding in limos and helicopters. The last thing he needs is an extension-less, make-up less, mini-van driving, puffy-eyed, robe-sporting, curler-wearing, child-yelling, post menopausal Ali nagging him in the kitchen about taking the trash to the curb on “Garbage Day” before he fights the San Diego traffic on the way to his marginally productive insurance agency before slogging through traffic after a full day of hearing people bitch about not getting claims checks only to return home to a semi-cold Lean Cuisine and a glass of Kool-Aid before taking the kids out of the house for ice cream so she can “have a break” for an hour or so before he comes home, showers, gets in bed, and she turns him down for sex. Stay Gold, Roberto. Stay Gold.

Well, there it is. With the final Amazing count at 192 (That’s 16 times per episode, 8 times per hour) we end another exciting season. My bet is that the relationship falls apart quietly within a year. Moving cross country, starting a business, handling fame, and being so young are all factors working against them. For what it’s worth, I actually like Roberto and can even see some redeeming qualities in Ali. I do wish them well. Thank you all again for reading and commenting this season. Look for my usual Tuesday post. I’ll be blogging about the Bachelor Pad. I also plan to throw in a few extras based upon reader participation this season. Stay tuned. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be sweating in my bungalow. DP