Thursday, March 5, 2015

Bachelor Chris Episode 10: Random Thoughts

Hello, Readers.  I’m sorry for my tardiness.  Work has been a killer this week.  Since that keeps the lights on around here, the blog had to take the back burner.  Oh yea, and I also went out one night as a stress reliever and failed to find a mechanical bull to ride after a few Lone Stars.  I should probably be thankful.  

For those of you who share my profession, I’m certain you can appreciate it when I say that I deserve a lot of recognition for being able to separate my job from this blog.  For those of you who don’t share my profession, trust me.  You don’t want to read a blog about the pitfalls of a career in litigation.  Frankly, it would be more rewarding watching corn grow. 

Speaking of growing corn, we have a few things to discuss.  As I mentioned in my pre-post message and on Twitter (@someguyinaustin), this week’s post will consist of my thoughts on the season, the upcoming finale, reader email questions, and a sprinkling of the Women Tell All moments I forced myself to watch.  I’ll skip around, circle back, and give you a big fat dose of random thoughts.  Let’s get to it.

“Why Can’t You Recap the WTA?”

Look, if I’m honest, I hate that show.  It’s gotten worse every season too.  Admittedly, Harrison is as engaged as he’s been in many seasons, but even his adeptness at finding the perfect zinger of a question after a pregnant pause cannot overcome my literal disdain for the cat fighting and pettiness of it all.  The show quickly ceases to be interesting and devolves into every episode of the Real Housewives of (insert city).  

Carly certainly didn’t do anything to resuscitate her reputation as a nice person.  She continued to show a bitter, almost vengeful side against Britt.  The new extensions and eyebrow tweeze couldn’t hide her fangs.  She left her last rose ceremony oozing pathos.  The only thing she oozed at the WTA was venom.   Shame. 

Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette.  Her lip injection, hair color makeover, and her noticeable silence were all big clues.  No way they let Britt squirm in her chair and ugly cry like that if she’s the big pick.  Frankly, I’m relieved.  I think Kaitlyn will make a good Bachelorette.  She’s quirky, funny, and she has tattoos.  That should make things interesting. 

Oh, and check this out:  Chris on Ellen

2:20 mark.  Chris on Whitney:  "she looks like a mother...she is a mother.” 

A reader sent that clip to me asking what it means.  Hell, I don’t know.  I think it’s safe to assume she’s the big Ticket to Iowa winner next week.  Maybe they found the only thing besides corn farming worth doing in Iowa. 

 “I want to know your thoughts on Britt and Kelsey.”

Britt is a spoiled brat who is used to getting her way in just about every situation she encounters.  Granted, that doesn’t yet apply to her acting career but it appears it applies in every other aspect of her life.  To be fair, rejection of any kind is a difficult pill to swallow and being rejected by a pack of rabid women in sequins on national television would make a lot of people want to cry.  She overdid it with the crying, though. 

My feeling is that she was more upset about her image than she was about being “falsely” accused of being duplicitous.  I wasn’t buying it.  I also think it was glaringly apparent to Chris that the only thing Britt has in common with Iowa is the letter “I”. 

Kelsey.  Probably the fakest person to ever grace the Bachelor cast.  She can chalk all of her terrifying laughs and “misconstrued” comments about her dead husband to her way of coping with things.  However, sociopathic behavior is not a coping mechanism.  I’m just glad that she and Sanderson (rest his soul) didn’t have kids for her to ruin before he passed away.  Using big words doesn’t make a person smart.  The only thing she needs to ameliorate is her personality.    

 “Why didn't Jillian punch Chris Harrison when he whistled at her to shut her up? Why is that allowed?”

Jillian could clearly put Harrison on the deck with a right hook.  However, I think Harrison found the only way to shut her up.  I’ve said in the past that there must be a very nice side of Jillian.  She seemed to have a decent sense of humor, is clearly driven, and while not my type, is an attractive woman.  The hyper-aggressive behavior was a huge turn off, though.  If they showed her on the WTA ranting for 30 seconds before he told her to pipe down, then it likely went on for several minutes in real life.  I’m sure Harrison was sick of it.  Sorry, but I have to side with him on that one. 

Do I have any advice for Jillian?  Yes.  Be yourself, relax, and stop trying to prove whatever it is you’re trying (too hard) to prove.  Being rough around the edges has its charm.  Using those rough edges abrasively does not. 

Will you read Harrison’s novel?”

Hell yes.  I’m currently reading John Dean’s latest book called “The Nixon Defense.”  Watergate is one of my favorite subjects so I’ll have to finish that prior to picking up “The Perfect Letter.”

Good for Harrison.  It’s nice to see he actually has the integrity to stiff arm the obvious behind-the-scenes tell-all book that would instantly be a best seller for a book of his own creation that, presumably, means something to him.  The guy works 4 minutes a week until the Tell All Show.  I’m surprised he hasn’t written 10 books by now.  He has more down time than the Sherriff of Arlington, Iowa.  I’ll certainly review the book on the blog when I read it. 

“I want to know if there are any points you and Mrs. Some Guy disagree on, i.e., does she consider Jade's Playboy photos a mistake, did Chris kiss too many girls, etc.”

I ran this one by Mrs. SGIA at dinner the other night.  Surprisingly, we agree on just about everything concerning the show.  In fact, she has a more visceral reaction to some of the blatantly dumb mistakes the girls make on the show than I do.  I know that answer is boring, but it’s true. 

In light of that, here are a few things we do, in fact, disagree on. 

I disagree that $300 is a reasonable price to pay for a furry blanket that goes on the bed even if it was on post-Christmas double extra secret discount sale at Restoration Hardware.  I also disagree that $150 is a reasonable price to pay for an identical, albeit smaller, version of the aforementioned furry blanket for the living room couch “because it’s so comfortable in the bedroom we need one out here.”  That gives me post-Christmas double extra secret heartburn. 

I disagree that every room needs “whimsy” and a “punch of color.” 

I disagree that “essential oils” don’t make the house smell like a massage parlor.  If the oils are really “essential” then how have I made it my entire life without them?  The only essential oil, as far as I’m concerned, is motor oil. 

That should cover it for now.  I hope that answers your question. 

Final thoughts on the big finale:

The girls got screwed on travel this season.  Harrison’s raise must be eating up the travel budget.  Maybe he’ll donate some of the book proceeds to next season’s travel kitty.  We’ve gone from Switzerland to Iowa.  You might say we’ve gone from Matter-horn to Matter-corn.

Chris is a decent guy and I think he carried himself well this season.  He made some bonehead moves but seemed genuine.  His fear of the Iowa move is certainly legit and my guess is that it will prove to be the catalyst that ends his relationship with whoever he picks.

Whitney is the winner, I think.  Becca will care for a few minutes but she’ll get over it. 

Jade was my favorite—Playboy pictures, arrests, and wild stallions and all.  It appeared that her family has submarined her in the past and while she played it close to the vest, it was clear she wasn’t happy with the information Chris got from them.  And yes, it was the pictures, Jade.  You’ll be living with them for the rest of your life.   Don’t treat it like a mistake and you’ll be surprised at how much it will no longer matter. 

Most immature?  Ashley I. 

Coolest?  Becca.

Girls I wish stuck around?   Jordan and Tara. 

Well, there it is.  My thoughts and musings in addition to answers to a few pressing questions.  I know I’m phoning it in this week.  It’s been a tough week.  I’ll bring it hard core for Monday’s finale.  

As always, thank you all for reading and bringing me real joy for writing a meaningless blog.  Take care of yourselves.  Make sure you’re final bets on the finale are distributed in order to minimize your losses.  Comment, tweet, and discuss.  I’ll post after the big finale.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be trying to return a couple blankets.  DP


27 comments:

  1. Surprisingly the line that got the biggest chuckle out of me this week was one of the most simple. "Becca will care for a few minutes and then she'll get over it." Ha!

    Keep on keepin' on, sir. Look forward to your post-finale breakdown.

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    1. Thanks for finding the diamond in the trash pile. Not my best work. I'll deliver next week.

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  2. I have to disagree on the whistle. Never treat a person like a dog.

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    1. Agreed, unless they act like one. The whistle is rude and inappropriate. My point was that I didn't see any other alternative. DP

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  3. Textbook male vs. female reaction to expensive but quality blankets. Remember, men are hunters and women are gatherers (and in today's world, that translates to "shoppers"). As a female, I have to side with Mrs. SGA. Good blankets are hard to come by and last a long time. Perhaps if she broke it down to a cost-per-use price it would be more palatable? Or if she showed you the receipt with the hundreds of dollars she saved (not spent)? It's about value. Now if you want to win some points with Mrs. SGA, go tell her you appreciate her superior gathering abilities. Now I'm off to Restoration Hardware to see if there are any left....

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    1. Textbook FEMALE response to that issue. If your only justification for buying it is that it costs less then you didn't SAVE any money, you SPENT money. Your points are well taken. No thanks to me, I have a lovely home. DP

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  4. "The only essential oil, as far as I’m concerned, is motor oil." THAT is funny!

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  5. The best part of this post is about you and your wife's disagreements. You guys are so adorable, STAHP, as Andi would say :)

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    1. Adorable is not the word is use, but thank you.

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  6. Maybe you could be one of those jury consultants! You're pretty good at judging the head shots at the beginning of each season. They get paid pretty big bucks, right? And maybe you could only work 4 minutes a week doing that.

    Hate the WTA also, but mostly because I just find it such a waste of time. We never learn anything new! It's a rehash of everything we've seen no less than 4 times before.

    Love the peek into your life with Mrs. SGIA. I think we would get along really well. Looking forward to your final recap, and also to regain some brain cells for a month or two before Bachelorette.

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    1. Yes jury consultants are well paid. However, it's better to just hire local counsel to help in voir dire. But you have a point on the short hours. Maybe I'll just monetize the blog and retire.

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  7. "Couldn't hide her fangs" is so true and so sad.

    You do deserve a lot of recognition. Even when you phone it in, I benefit. Thank you.
    ~Cariss

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    1. Thanks Cariss. I always enjoy that squiggly thing before the name.

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  8. Thanks for mentioning Kaitlyn's lip injection. I couldn't believe Lincee let that one pass.

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    1. Yea, I'm not a fan of the lip injection. We'll see if she ruins any other parts of her anatomy before the season.

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  9. Was away for awhile basking in the sun in Maui watching whales but I am back in the real world now. I had to rely on you and Lincee to "paint" me a verbal picture of the episodes in Iowa and Bali and got a good perspective on the WTA from Lincee so I did not miss much it seems. I will watch the finale -still doubt anybody could stay in the small town of Iowa where Chris is from although I could be surprised.
    Hang in there-know this is rough to deal with real life then try to find the the time to watch and comment on this total escapism and we all appreciate it.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Here today, gone to Maui. Congrats on the vacation. Sounds awesome.

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  10. I've had a blog-follower crush on SGIA for a while now, but I'm afraid I need to re-direct my crush. After the Restoration Hardware paragraph, I think I am soulmates with Mrs. SGIA.

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    1. Fantastic. Nothing like a love of monochromatic overpriced rustic furniture to bring people together.

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  11. SG, I think this is just about your best recap/random thoughts ever -- you keep raising the bar. I like that your Bach writing has become a bit more "dark" and snarky over the years -- keep it up -- that's why we tune in.

    Fave line --" I also think it was glaringly apparent to Chris that the only thing Britt has in common with Iowa is the letter “I”. Boom!

    I just wish that I could use a sentence using the word "ameliorate" and Restoration Hardware blankets. But you could!

    Thanks for the entertainment! Marti in Dallas

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    1. You're way too kind. Thank you.

      "I wish Mrs. SGIA would return the Restoration Hardware blankets in order to ameliorate the hole in my bank account."

      How's that?

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    2. Spot on SG! You have the gift....

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  12. I use a Hudson's Bay wool blanket that was sent to my parents from a relative in Canada when they married in the 1950s. I've replaced the binding on the top and bottom edges twice, but the blanket itself is great. May your blanket serve you as long!

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  13. I side with you in regards with the blankets. However, my husband would encourage me to buy them if he thought it would make me happy. However, Mrs. SGIA is spot on with the whimsy and punch of color, even if you do not appreciate them.
    In regards to the lack of travel, I think you were correct a few posts ago when you said the dates were designed to see who could fit into Chris' life. I don't think he has a desire to travel far outside his small town and he was not interested to see how the girls would behave in or react to a foreign culture. He is not looking for an adventurous girl to travel the world with, he wants someone who will be content with a slower pace and simple pleasures.

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  14. Just wanted to stop in and say thanks for recapping this season! I always enjoy reading your take.
    PS. While I do love Restoration Hardware I don't think I could part with 300 bucks for a blanket

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  15. It is somewhat heartening to know that an unattractive woman can win the bachelor.
    Whitney is a hyper, excitable, high energy person, and Chris is low key and calm. For this reason, I think that in real life, Whitney may drive Chris insane. Lower energy people, in general, become agitated when they are around high energy people, and need to escape to re-center themselves.
    Although Whitney is desperate for Chris and may do anything for him, I don't see this lasting. Whitney won the job interview, but I don't think Chris lusts after her by any means.
    Still, it gives hope to all the homely women out there, that there is a chance they could win the bachelor. Looks aren't everything. It's more how you play the game, and more how devoted and loving you are toward the bachelor, that determines whether or not you win or come close.

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