Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Chris Episode 9: I Can Bali Wait to Hin-Do You

Amazing Count 113
Journey Count 24

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week’s installment.  Some Guy is fresh of an exhausting trip to New Orleans.  I got home on Sunday.   My BAC is almost below the legal limit.  Ooof.  It’s Fantasy Week or, as I refer to it, Get Out of Jail Free Week.  

Yes, it’s that time of season.  It’s time for our Bachelor to travel to the “perfect place to fall in love,” grab a catamaran (or its equivalent) ride before anchoring and jumping into the crystal blue ocean with an “amazing woman”, and then mull around the tropical island paradise belittling the local culture all in the name of getting to an outdoor, tiki-lit dinner, pounding some wine, and foregoing the foreplay for a few one night stands in the Fantasy Suite.

I know.  That paragraph is as boring and predictable Monday’s episode.  Well, that is until I tell you that I wrote it on Sunday night.   It’s like I’m psychic or something. 

I think he bangs them all.

Sigh . . .

Chris shows up for his 3-minute standard intro in Bali, which, of course, is part of the Poontang  Archipelago.   He broods.  He reflects.  He pontificates.  He strolls.  He changes pastel colored shirts 8 times.  At first I thought that was just a cleverly edited montage hastily thrown together over the course of a few days in order to adequately capture our conflicted Bachelor’s feelings. 

However, after watching the episode it was clear that Chris needed a shirt change every 10 minutes.  The guy sweats like a whore in church, for crying out loud.  I wondered if he either had diabetes (probably Type II if appearance is any indication) or he was related to Roberto.  By the current geographic rationale, the Chance of Falling in Love is directly proportionate to the Relative Humidity.  

There’s bound to be a perfect place to fall in love where the relative humidity isn’t 100%.  Hey, ABC, how about relocating the big finale somewhere not between the Equator and the Tropic of Capricorn?  Nabokov wrote of Humbert’s Lolita, “nymphets do not occur in polar regions.”  I suppose that’s as good an answer as any.   

Kaitlyn Date. 

Date one.  We learn that she and Chris are in for some sacred temple touring and some fun with banana hungry monkeys.   Being the lead off batter in Fantasy Suite dates is like being the top 2X6 in the lumber pile meant for the backyard deck:  you’ll definitely be the first to get laid down, screwed, and stepped on. 

I'm falling in love with this board. 

Speaking of banana hungry monkeys, Kaitlyn steps off the lumber pile in her pink shorts and artfully executes the first Jump, Wrap, and Hug greeting of the episode.  You have to love a lady, don’t you?  Honestly, the only time I ever see that in “real” life is when a five-year old girl sees her father headed toward her at the Baggage Claim in the airport after he’s been gone for the week.   

Sure, you can’t kiss in the sacred Balinese temple but, apparently, you can throw yourself crotch-first at the dude you’re sharing with two other women just a stone’s throw from the aforementioned sacred temple.  She rode him like a plastic horse in front of the grocery store.

Ride me like a Bachelor in Bali

The date didn’t hold much mystery.  It was pretty much the same date as the Love Guru Date with Carly.  Well, if you substitute simulated fornication for actual fornication.  They talked a lot about nothing, watched the monkeys imitate Kaitlyn and kissed a safe distance from the temple amongst the smell of rotting bananas and monkey feces before foregoing the foreplay and heading to the Fantasy Suite for a sweaty romp in the malaria-proof bed.  Perfect place, indeed.

I will say this about Kaitlyn.  I thought she looked as pretty as she’s looked all season and she did actually back off the funny girl routine and let her guard down.  Chris’ “I’m falling in love with you too” and “I can see a life with you in Iowa” comments throughout the date didn’t help it when the inevitability of her departure became apparent to her at the Rose Ceremony.   The hurt in her face when he chose Becca over her was genuine and the regret was evident.  For what it’s worth, she has my vote for the next Bachelorette.  

In the meantime, Whitney was in her hotel room with a bottle of Chardonnay getting hammered while Chris was out getting nailed. 

Whitney Date. 

First of all, she’s not attractive.  Second of all, she walks like a man.  Whitney meets Chris with her own version of the Jump, Wrap, and Hug and Chris greets her with yet another version of the same outfit he’s been wearing all episode.  I began to wonder if the shorts were reversible.  He was likely wearing Garanimals for sweaty farmers.  It was at this time I realized that she has no upper lip either.  Perhaps fate does exist. 

Whitney, not one to waste time, harkens back to last week’s open wound by mentioning her bitchy sister’s refusal to bless her potential engagement, iffy move to Iowa, as-yet-to-be-determined wedding date, and her non-existent children.  

Of course, all of this was offset by the new ABC cameraman who apparently also moonlights as the resident voyeur.  I thought I was being forced to watch another ultrasound this show.  If Whitney’s gynecologist would have seen that video, he would have undoubtedly exclaimed, “even I haven’t seen that angle before.”  Good Lord.  ABC should have saved the plane fare and the hotel room and just had Whitney hold the camera between her knees the entire date.  If you looked close enough you could see what she had for breakfast.

Boat ride on a fake pirate ship.  Blah, blah, blah . . . beautiful place to fall in love . . . she’s sure . . . she’s ready . . . she won’t shut up.  I wished he would have battened down her hatches.  Whitney was also orange.  Really orange.  Like the sun orange.  Apparently, they sell bronzer in Bali.  There’s no way that she used less than the 3 ounce tube she’d be allowed to take on the plane.  She looked like a basketball.  When she jumped off the boat the Indian Ocean almost turned into the Red Sea. 

Note to you ladies, spray tans and bronzers are the female versions of the toupee or the comb over.  It’s patently obvious.  Tans are like heels.  At some point they quickly graduate from tasteful to ridiculous.  Subtlety is an art.  Trashiness is an affliction.  Less is more.  No guy wants to look at you across the fake pirate ship and wonder if you’ve developed a liver problem from eating some kind of Balinese blowfish.  A healthy tan is attractive.  Jaundice is a serious medical condition.



Chris and Whitney enjoy a lovely outdoor dinner while the Fantasy Suite staff changes the sheets and flips the mattress.  Whitney listens to Chris’ Arlington, Iowa speech.  "Can you handle it," he wonders aloud.  In exchange, she gives him the “I want kids right away” speech.  

Wow. 

Moving from a town of several million to a town of less than 500 and popping out a couple of kids on the pasture is not a good idea.  There’s no Curves or spray tan place in Arlington, Iowa and there’s no one who is going to watch the kid all day while you put on your Lululemon gear and pretend to go to yoga before heading to Starbucks with a friend to bitch about your husband.  How long do you think before the “I told you” call from her bitchy sister gets made? 

They forgo the foreplay and head to the Fantasy Suite.  I can only imagine how orange those sheets looked the next morning.  They likely looked like a pornographic version of the Shroud of Turin.


    

Becca Date. 

“Yea, we know she’s a virgin,” I said into my Lone Star as Becca’s voiceover failed to make me ignore her silky shirt/Dolphin shorts combo.  What was that?

I'm a virgin. 


Look, she’s a bit dry but I’ve liked her all season. She’s been consistently nice, non-controversial, modest, and she hasn’t complained once.  Did I mention she’s a virgin?  She and Chris don sarongs and get some advice from the resident soothsayer who can evidently predict the future of their relationship but not the presence of Becca’s virginity.  Que sarong sarong, I suppose.        


After toweling off, Chris meets Becca for dinner. She’s very (and understandably) trepidatious about moving to Iowa.  Ironically, Becca had the most realistic take on the move to Iowa and a relationship with Chris.  Sadly, Chris had the least enthusiastic reaction.  

I thought she was articulate and incredibly spot on when she said things like, “I have strong feelings and I love where were going” but I’m not about to move to a town of 500 people until I’m sure.  Sadly, all he wanted to hear was “I’ll throw all caution to the wind for an opportunity to be an Iowa housewife in an isolated corn field.”   


Finally, Becca drops “I’m a virgin.  You know, a real one, not the Ashley I. kind of virgin."  The look on his face was priceless.  You could almost hear his brain screaming, “another one?”  I was waiting for him to respond,  “It’s ok, I’m a little sore from the last two nights.”  

Sadly, he sputtered and spit like an old outboard motor trying to answer her "striking" revelation in a politically correct way.  He actually gained some traction (eventually) and made her feel like a decent person rather than Quasimodo about having other interests beyond her vagina.  
 

Since when is being a virgin before marriage equivalent to leprosy?  She’s like the reverse Hester Prynne.  “A pure hand needs no glove to cover it,” wrote Hawthorne in The Scarlet Letter.  I wonder what it says about our culture today that perhaps it does. 


"She’d better keep that virgin thing quiet or she might end up getting kidnapped by the Balinese natives and thrown into a volcano," I said to Mrs. SGIA.  Like Chris, she wasn't listening either.  Becca walks on the beach away from nearby volcanoes. 


Chris is confused.  Chris ponders and cries.  “Where the hell is Harrison!?!?” I exclaimed.  

Harrison, fresh off some parasailing and fruity cocktails with Neil Lane, shows up in the Lair of Seclusion.  He bro hugs it out with Chris over a pair of untouched glasses of tea with some bendy straws.  He stirs the pot. 

Chris:              Help me.

OHCH:           Tough week.  Becca told you she’s a virgin.

Chris:              Yea.  She did.

OHCH:           If you send her home, you mind if I make a run at it? 

Chris:              Well, I . . .

OHCH:           You’ve got a tough day ahead of you.  I’m going to                         the limbo contest.  I’m out. 

Samuan Tiga Temple Rose Ceremony. 

After martial arts practice with Harrison, everyone shows up for the rose ceremony in their martial arts outfits.  Kaitlyn sports newly colored hair compliments of the ABC Pre-Bachelorette Makeover Crew, Whitney sports her Bitchy Resting Face, and Becca Sports the only thing that at this point separates her from the other two after the Fantasy Suite Dates:  her dignity.   

I want to make many young Iowans with you.


That's Vivien Leigh, by the way. 

Chris pulls Becca away for a “why don’t you love me like the others do” talk.  She holds the line but balks enough to tip the balance between her and Kaitlyn.  He walks back in the ceremony with Becca after Kaitlyn and Whitney have written her off.  I was waiting for one of them to exclaim, "Oh no you tai kwon don't!"  No luck.    

Kaitlyn faces the inevitability of her fate.  Both Whitney and Becca made an effort to grab her hand and hug her after the elimination.  I’ll give Kaitlyn a pass for not reciprocating.  She looked pretty humiliated and even said as much as she got into the “let’s drive around the island for three hours and talk about how miserable you are” limo.  Based on her the forced conversation with Chris she had to be wondering if slapping was permitted in the temple.  

Note to Chris:  When you dump a girl after you’ve told her you’re falling in love with her, sworn you could see a life with her, gotten her commitment to move to Bum F*ck, Iowa, and then capped it all off with a big bang in the Fantasy Suite she likely gave up out of a sense of obligation and a sign of her true commitment, please don’t tell her things to make yourself feel better.  

Be a man and just let her go.  Deal with your end of it on your own rather than putting it on her shoulders.  In short, if a rooster crows  three times that’s probably a sign to shut up. 

Whitney vs. Becca in the big finale. 

Gone:  Kaitlyn 

She’d be a good Bachelorette.  Better than Britt.

That elimination had to sting, but she'll be over it by the Women Tell All.  They always are.  Hey, Kaitlyn, your fellow Canadian, Wayne Gretzky, once said “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  Keep shooting.  You’ll score eventually.  That seemed to work out pretty well for Wayne.  

Look at his wife.  

I love Canadians.


. . . and his daughter. 


I love Some Guy in Austin


No wonder they call him The Great One.  

Women Tell All next week, folks.  Personally, that’s my least favorite show of the season.  In fact, I hate it.  I haven’t decided if I’ll recap it, but I’ll definitely post something Bachelor related.  Perhaps a Man’s Point of View or a Some Guy Tells All.  Let me know your thoughts and I’ll do my best to deliver.  Take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sweating and crying in my judo outfit.  DP




















 







62 comments:

  1. My favorite part of this was the "note to Chris" at the end. Geez, I like him less and less with each passing episode. I also like the hammer and nail bit. You called Kaitlyn Becca in the comment about the redone hair at the rose ceremony. I would also much prefer Kaitlyn over Britt as Bachelorette. I liked her much more towards the end. Write whatever you like next week. I'd be interested to hear your commentary on all the crazy stuff that will be said, but understand why you don't want to. So write whatever option appeals to you the most (within reason, of course); you've never let me down in the entertainment of what I read here, so I trust you. :)

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    1. You read before my customary after-post edit. Wait 10 minutes next time. Thanks for being the first on in....again, DP

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    2. Sorry, I'm a little enthusiastic. ;)

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  2. This might have been my favorite of all your recaps. Between the conversation with OHCH and "If you looked close enough you could see what she had for breakfast," you had me. I hate the Tell Alls too, but heaven knows there will be plenty of fodder for you. Lastly, I'm with you on Kaitlyn for bachelorette. She has just enough snark to make it fun. And she's not Britt, so she has that going for her as well.

    In all seriousness, thank you for taking the time to do this. I'm sure I'm not the only one out here in the ether who enjoys the hell out of these recaps without (typically) taking the time to tell you that. The people thank you :)

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    1. That's very nice of you to say. I can say that unlike the past couple of seasons, this one has actually been fun. It's easier to write when that happens. I'm glad I could provide you with a laugh.

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  3. What was up with Whitney's ill-fitting yellow dress during the evening portion of the date? Maybe I've been reading too many of your recaps, because I normally don't notice what any of the women are wearing (and I'm a woman - I think I'm defective), but those shoulder strap things were really distracting.

    Also, I myself am a virgin-by-choice, so I appreciate your observation about the way society tends to...freak out about it. I, too, have found myself in the uncomfortable position of knowing that a budding relationship may be forfeit as soon as I turn down the "Fantasy Suite."

    Totally agree with your assessment of Chris's whiney speech. I also think that Kaitlyn looked prettier than I've seen her all season with her hair and her eyes. Seriously, every time she turned those eyes up at Chris after he kicked her to the curb, I kinda felt vindicated for her, because you know that's one of the reasons why Chris was squirming so much.

    Becca is way too rational for this.

    -Katie in H-town

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    1. Becca might be a bit TOO rational for her own good. Choosing to remain a virgin before marriage is one thing but never having a boyfriend or falling in love by the age of 26 is a bit of a red flag. She's either indifferent (which she denies) or she has a traumatic past or a significant emotional hurdle to get past.

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  4. Oh! And I also thought it was really funny that Becca waited until they were in the Fantasy Suite - the belly of the whale - to tell Chris that they wouldn't be taking their relationship to that particular level. I think part of the reason he was all "heavy sigh...uh...um..." was because he was ready to seal the deal and had to change course REAL quick. Or maybe I'm totally off base?

    -Katie in H-town (again)

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    1. Yes, I think you're off base. My take is that he was probably a bit relieved (at that point, anyway). Three girls in one week on television? If there was any surprise on his part it was likely that she waited so long to tell him about it. Becca seems like a nice person. I'm sure he sees that too. Not getting any under those circumstances wouldn't be a deal breaker for me and it obviously wasn't for him. Kaitlyn may have a different opinion, however. DP

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    2. Can you blame her, though? I'm not sure how I would handle it with Ashley I. doing her thing. I could see how she might have been afraid of an adverse reaction from Chris given what the "virgin conversation" looked like for him for the last few weeks.

      -Still Katie

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    3. A VERY valid point, Katie. This is why I like the Comment section.

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  5. Great recap ... as always. Along with everyone else that reads (and sometimes posts), your take is spot on. One of the things I couldn't get off my mind in watching this latest episode was the theme of "who wears short shorts" - the old Nair commercial!

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    1. They could have made it a bikini waxing commercial.

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  6. Don't tell Lincee, but you are officially funnier (more laughs per inch) and I think your observances are bang on (from what I have seen).

    Good work!

    A

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    1. Oh, Lincee won't mind. She gets just as many "you're funnier than SGIA" comments, if not more. It's about the way it's said and who's reading, I think. Regardless, thank you. I appreciate it.

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  7. P.S. I am one more reason to like Canadians : )

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  8. I've noticed that you're getting increasingly patronizing this season, like you're doing us (and the contestants) all a favor by bestowing your appearance/dating/life wisdom on us. Having been a loyal reader for several seasons, I just wanted to voice my opinion that it's getting tiresome and I prefer your old style better.

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    1. Huh? Can you cite some specific examples?

      CK

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    2. I'm not sure what you mean by "bestowing my appearance/dating/life wisdom" on you. I've said a million times that this blog is my opinion and my opinion only. I've also said I'm not better or worse than any of the people on the show or the people who read the blog. "Patronizing" is a strong word choice and, frankly, I don't think it's a fair characterization. If you don't agree with my opinion, I understand. I welcome the perspective of everyone reading. But don't accuse me of thinking I'm more important than anyone else. If you only knew my past dating/appearance/life history, you'd feel differently about accusing me of thinking I'm wise.

      Regardless, I genuinely appreciate you reading. I write what I write. There's no intentional change in my "old style." I hope you'll stick around and I hope at least some of this brings a smile to your face. That is, after all, the point of it all. DP

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    3. Fair enough. I appreciate the thoughtful reply.

      I looked back and think that what I'm really getting at is what you identify in your Episode 5 post as being more "preachy" this season. I'm just voicing my opinion that I don't like this preachy trend, particularly how it minimizes the intelligence of some of the women on this show (especially Whitney). And though you do say that this blog reflects your opinion only, your commentary (particularly the "from the perspective of a guy" tips, of which there are a bunch in your Episode 4 recap, for example) says just the opposite.

      Then again, I understand that no one's making me read this blog so if I don't put much stock in your opinion or appreciate your tone, I should probably just stop reading. That's probably what I'll do. Wanted to voice my opinion before I go.

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    4. Like anyone, I'm subject to my moods, the goings on in my "real" life, and my reaction to the show. "Think-It" is the name of this because I write what pops into my head. I suppose that lends itself to an indication of my mood at the time as opposed to writing, editing, and redacting. Thanks for responding. Again, not sure I agree that this is anything but my opinion, but then again, it's pointless to debate this. Your perception is your reality. I hope you'll continue to read. If not, thanks for reading in the past. DP

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    5. Don't change a thing, buddy!

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    6. Don't worry, Anon II. Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could. DP

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  9. I like your observations about Becca. She might come across as boring on TV, but I daresay most of us normal people would as well. Her reservations are appropriate when you consider the amount of time they've actually spent together. I think it's more of a red flag when the contestants have no hesitations about the whole strange process. Always enjoy your recaps!

    Sheila

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    1. Shelia, totally agree. I don't think her virginity has anything to do with her personality. She seems very sweet and reserved. The "process" is unnatural and weird. I'm certain she's lovely off the screen. As I've said before, I try and look at the show in a vacuum and comment solely on what I see. There's no judgment. Thanks for reading.

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  10. As always, thanks for the recap. First, allow me to respectfully disagree with Anonymous up there, who characterized you as patronizing. Your recaps are 99.9% spot on and hilarious. And of course, a lot of it is "Tongue in cheek..." (Kinda like in the Fantasy Suites. HA!).... so if they don't appreciate your sense of humor or don't particularly agree with your opinion, they should move on to another blog. I, for one, appreciate your recaps and look forward to them every week. Sorry, just had to take a moment to defend your honor. :)

    Okay, moving on... I agree with you about Whitney. She makes me crazy. I'm sure she's a nice person but her voice is beyond annoying, she talks too much and she comes across like a Junior League Pageant Contestant. I can't take it. And I think she's totally lying to herself if she thinks she's going to give up her hard-earned career to move to the middle of Iowa and do nothing but raise kids. Someone is delusional. I hope Chris can see through that.

    I have liked Becca from the beginning, simply because she is REAL. She is the most level-headed bachelorette the show has ever had and has the most realistic outlook on this whole situation. Virginity aside, she's a rare lady and I hope that Chris will see how genuine she is and how good they would be together. I also think it's a bit of a red flag that she's 26 and has never had a serious enough relationship to say she's ever been in love, much less give up her V card....but maybe she's just been waiting for her perfect guy. Here's hoping it's Chris!!!

    Thanks again for the recaps and for the laugh with my morning coffee at work. You never disappoint!

    Rose in OC



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    1. P.S. I hope that Kaitlyn will be the new Bachelorette and not Britt. Kaitlyn would be far more entertaining to watch! I truly felt bad for her and do think she is a great girl. I didn't initially feel that way about her but she grew on me as the show progressed.

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    2. Thanks, Rose. I can't everyone happy. Clearly, Anon has been unhappy long enough to comment about it and eliminate me from her routine. I feel the same way about Kaitlyn as bach. I wouldn't have pegged it on the first few shows but I do now. DP

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    3. It appears Anon wanted to publicly insult you and let your other readers know that despite your polite response, she probably won't continue reading. My interpretation is she wasn't so interested in giving you feedback as making public statements that weren't necessary. You know, since your personal time writing this magic and we get to enjoy it for free.

      CK

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  11. Good thing I'm the only one in my office right now. That way I don't have to explain the multiple outbursts of laughter. The 1st paragraph of the Whitney date was the first incident. The Indian Ocean into the Red Sea, a little sore from the last two nights, the outboard motor bit are some of the other incidents. And I appreciate your note to Chris and other observations. I agree that Kaitlyn would make a great Bachelorette and with how Becca has portrayed herself.
    ~Cariss

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    1. Solid. Glad you enjoyed it to the fullest extent possible without annoying your co-workers. DP

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  12. I love your commentary on the refusal of Becca to say whatever Chris wants to hear regarding a move to Iowa... if he chooses her, I think her honesty will go a long way to their relationship actually making it. (Rather than Whitney) Have you ever noticed on this show a theme that the woman is expected to move the man's hometown? The only one who had the reverse was Emily in saying that the man had to be willing to move to NC, which is likely b/c of her child but also b/c that woman had confidence. Sweet Emily and her white shorts. Anyways, it just strikes me as wierd.

    I also love the fake conversation btwn OHCH and Chris - too funny.

    Finally, I also loved your comment about how society views virgins - who cares? It's the safer option!!

    As always - love your blog and your ability to make us all laugh.

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    1. P.S. In re-reading my comment, I wanted to point out that believe it or not I am capable of started a sentence without the phrase "I love"...

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    2. I love that you read my blog. Thanks for commenting. DP

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  13. Still laughing at last week's story of your friend's visit to the Urologist. That is all.

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    1. Whatever floats your boat. I'm glad that one stuck with you. It certainly stuck with him. The truth is better than fiction. DP

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  14. So entertaining! As my co-worker just said, "This is currently the FUNNIEST" thing on the internet:
    Note to you ladies, spray tans and bronzers are the female versions of the toupee or the comb over. It’s patently obvious. Tans are like heels. At some point they quickly graduate from tasteful to ridiculous. Subtlety is an art. Trashiness is an affliction. Less is more. No guy wants to look at you across the fake pirate ship and wonder if you’ve developed a liver problem from eating some kind of Balinese blowfish. A healthy tan is attractive. Jaundice is a serious medical condition.

    Well done SGIA, well done!
    Mindy in CA

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    1. Not sure if I'll take the Funniest on the Internet title but thank you very much. DP

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  15. Fabulous recap! I think one of your best. I too want or respond, maybe not so respectfully, to anon above, regarding what she considers "patronizing". I have been reading your blog for a long time but didn't start posting comments until this season. I find your writing to be spot on and hysterical. I enjoy the guys perspective. Many recaps, for a variety of shows, are written by women only, especially the bachelor. It's a welcome change to read a man's perspective. I have also enjoyed your .2 cents thrown in for women to take note of, regarding men/dating, etc. It's solid. People that unhappy with the blog can go elsewhere for some good humor. :-)

    I see from your post you were in my hometown this past weekend. Hope you enjoyed yourself and glad to see you didn't end up in OPP. That my friend would have been a lenghty blog post!!!!

    I too hope Kaitlyn is the next bachelorette, she grew on me over the season.

    Favorite lines are too many to list here but I loved all the karate references-What the hell is up with their outfits??? It's embarrassing. Loved the graanimals reference. He is also waaaay to sweaty for me. gross. Loved the lulu lemon lying @ yoga and going to Starbucks to bitch to girlfriends re husbands bit. Soooo true. My life with my gf's.

    I think his story with becca is sweet. But he is in such a rush to get married he will pick the sure thing-Whitney. Can't wait for fireworks next week. Will read whatever you are comfortable writing. Thanks for recapping this trainwreck!
    KatherineNOLA

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    1. Thanks for the support. Anon is entitled to her opinion. If she chooses not to read, that's fine. The blog is not meant to be a downer for anyone, including me. And thank you for recognizing that my yoga/starbucks scenario is valid. I knew it! DP

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  16. I am so glad you mentioned Whitney's spongebob squearepants walking style. It's been driving me nuts and my bf can't see it!!
    Probably because he loves spongebob...

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    1. Funny. I, too, love Spongebob. Look, Whitney is obviously a smart woman. The truth is that I just don't find anything about her attractive. Again, I'm making that judgment in the vacuum that is the 2 hour window of the bachelor. I'm certain she's lovely. She still walks like a guy, though. DP

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  17. Heey! You were in NOLA!? I live in NOLA! I could have met one of my favorite bloggers!!! Oh well.

    Long time reader, first time to comment, but I love reading your blogs and seeing the male perspective of this train wreck of a show. I hope I find a guy who would love to watch Bachelor with me and make fun of it. You and Lincee give me something to look forward to each week! Thank you for that!

    -Mandy

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    1. Mandy, if you would have met me last weekend you would have met a pile of mush. I was in no condition to be making new friends. My old friends and I had a great time, however. Thank you for finally commenting and thank you for making me a favorite. Hold the fort down in NOLA. It will be a while before I'm ready to go back! DP

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  18. When I see or listen to Whitney, I want to scratch my nails on a chalkboard. Am I the only person that cringes with every "SHUT UP" comment she makes instead of saying Wow - this is cool. How many times in this episode did she say "In My Entire Life". Chris' family will take to cow milking to have a reason to stay outside all day and away from her.
    Also, did anyone notices that everyone's lashes look like Daisy the cow? Where will they get those fake lashes in Iowa? Wonder if Amazon even deliver there.
    Love your recaps - everything that you say is true. now SHUT UP lol

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    1. Let's give the love birds the benefit of the doubt. If she listened now, she might benefit from our doubt. DP

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  19. I was enjoying a beverage while reading and this made me spew my drink: He was likely wearing Garanimals for sweaty farmers. Don't love the mess but appreciate the laugh.

    Whitney and Chris both walk strangely--chalk up another one for fate. Love the Scarlett O'Hara pic--she looks like Whitney in that picture except attractive. I think Whitney's got this thing on lock. That chick is driven and she wants to win. I would not wish to be between Whitney and something she wants.

    I am with you on Kaitlyn--Kaitlyn for Bachelorette! Please God not Britt.

    Thanks for the post--hope your liver feels better soon.

    Kim

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  20. It's kind of funny to picture Whitney man-walking down the 2 lane highway with a baby in a stroller. I mean, what the heck is she going to do all day with her babies? Starbucks break? No. Playgroup? No. Baby Music Class? Doubtful. Although maybe the high school offers something with those nice Arlington ladies sporting the old Kate Gosselin haircut that were in the audience at the season premier. Whit might love them!
    Recap favorite? Has to be Richard Simmons the Virgin!!

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    1. Wow. That is a bleak picture of the future. Look, truth be told, if I could swing it, I'd move to a small town....not a town of 500 people...but I love small towns and I've been sick of the city on a daily basis for a long time. If it is Whitney, I think the adjustment from Chicago to Arlington may be more than any person could handle.

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  21. The pictures and captions are priceless I have tears

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    1. I cried at the picture of Gretzky's daughter...probably for a different reason. DP

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  22. Great recap, as always!

    What a buffoon Chris was with that parting speech to Kaitlyn! Just what every girl wants to hear while getting dumped unexpectedly... how "excruciating" it is for the guy doing the dumping. That was painful to watch. At least the crowing rooster provided some comic relief.

    Kaitlyn for Bachelorette!

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  23. Hey, SGIA, I agree with your assessment that the producers of the Bach seem to make fun of the natives of Bali. It's kind of sad that our First World comes in to gape at their Third Word -- and I'm not a bleeding hear liberal or anything.... Just sad all around. And on your recap -- too damn funny, as always. I can't even pick a fave -- between mattress turning and spray tans and Lulemon-wearing -- just way too much to choose from. Please, please do a Women Tell All (or SGIA Tells All) recap). So refreshing to read your posts from our work-a-day world. Thanks, Marti in Dallas

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  24. Count me among those enjoying the male perspective and your observations this season. As a 44 year old empty nester married for almost 23 years I am both reminded of myself in high school and so grateful to have avoided all the drama I did by marrying so young.
    Also, I highly recommend rural living if you can swing it. We currently reside 5 miles outside of a town of ~2,500. We have the best of both worlds - hunting, hiking, dirt bike riding all in our "back yard" and the conveniences of the "big city" since we both commute in for work.

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  25. How you got a diatribe about a spray tan as well as a quote by Hawthorne referencing the reverse Hester Prynne into one recap is beyond me, but I love it! And seriously, I can't wait for the fact that in 2 weeks, the virginity talk will die down for a while. Who knew this was something to discuss over and over again.

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    1. It's a gift really. I have a lot of useless information floating around in my head. DP

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