Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Chris Episode 6: Save Some Whores, Ride a Copter

Amazing Count 87
Journey Count 17

Hello, Readers.  I’m going to go ahead and say that this season is my favorite season of The Bachelor ever.  Kelsey is certifiably Manson-esque.  They might want to re-examine the Tate and LaBianca residences just to make sure they didn’t miss her prints.  I don’t care if she wasn’t born when those murders occurred.  She’s crazy enough to figure that detail out on her own.  We’ll get to all that in a bit. 

My Story is AMAZING.

Due to my propensity to block this show out after I hit the “Publish” icon on the blog, I had forgotten that our love sick farm boy was left mulling around his holding room with a hi-ball full of whiskey in Santa Fe waiting for the “all clear” from an ABC staff member letting him know that it was his time to deal with Kelsey and her “panic attack.” 

Panic attack?  Good Lord.  Did anyone buy that?  She’s a bigger fraud than that tantric whatever coach that turned Carly into a whore last week.  Speaking of frauds, did anyone verify the identity of the “paramedic” who tended to her?  

Look, I’m no Travis Stork, M.D. (see what I did there?) but it seems to me that the first point of business when encountering a non-injured person panicking on a cold tile floor might be to grab a blanket and a pillow.  They could have at least called in Becca to assist with a chiropractic adjustment.       

It would be easier to fake this if I had a pillow.

Kelsey should have hung out in the bathroom with Jade and faked an onset of explosive diarrhea.  That would have been more believable and, frankly, more attractive.  After all, even perfectly sane people get diarrhea on occasion.  Instead, she tells us that the “emotional burden” made her faint.  Her new husband died suddenly of congestive heart failure and she’s emotionally burdened by the prospect of a delay in the rose ceremony?  Sounds reasonable.    

The girls sit around as unconvinced as the rest of us in the lounge that looks like my living room annoyed as Kelsey gets tended to by the fake paramedics.  Surprisingly, Samantha stays silent.  Her parents should have named her Aphasia.  I mean it when I say she’s one of the prettiest contestants I’ve ever seen on the show, but she makes Helen Keller look loquacious, for crying out loud.  I began to wonder if she'd cut herself on a rusty nail on night one and had been deprived of a tetanus shot. 

I have lockjaw.

For what it’s worth, if I were a farmer from Iowa I’d have picked up on her shyness and at least invited her on a one-on-one to get to know her.  She seemed nice enough and, dare I say it, above the fray.  Perhaps that explains her lack of a tongue.  That would explain her lack of make out sessions as well.   

Early Rose Ceremony! 

Jade (her midriff in full view)
Ashley I.

Mackenzie and Samantha are gone.  Samantha musters a few parting words and apparently walked home in her sparkly dress.  I suppose the stagecoach wasn’t due in Santa Fe until Tuesday.  She was in a hurry for some reason.  While we'll never know what that reason was, I think it's safe to assume she wasn't in danger of being late to a speaking engagement.   

Mackenzie can’t bear the pain of being forced not to pretend like she wants to live in Iowa in addition to the unthinkable possibility of returning home to the son who has probably forgotten his mother’s face by now.  Oh, the humanity! 

I certainly didn’t need more ammunition to like Samantha, but Jade lets us know that “Sam,” has a haunted past but “didn’t use it” to her advantage.  I suppose we can, with some certainty, rule out that she is a virgin and I’d be willing to bet the fact that she finished 7th in the Miss California USA Pageant doesn’t qualify as a traumatic event.  Then again, if Runners Up 1-5 are unable to fulfill their duties (read: pose nude) she needs to be ready to assume whatever duties need fulfilling.  I'm not into pageants but I'd bet that one of Miss California's duties involves tax collection.   That's a little California socialism humor there for you.  Annyyyyyhoo. . . 

Regardless, I’ll give Sam credit for not airing her bidness on a reality show in the name of hypothetically being invited to possibly get engaged and maybe someday move to Iowa after potentially getting married.   It was at this point that I realized that Chris had made a big mistake.  Unfortunately, he didn’t. 

Chris shaves and dresses before heading to the Black Hills of Deadwood, South Dakota, or as Megan calls it “a totally other part of Mexico”.  He recites the facts from his producer card before going rogue and referring to South Dakota as The Wild West.  He tools around some tourist traps before retiring to his suite in anticipation of meeting the remaining Iowa recruits. 

The girls arrive and ooh and ahh the hotel before giving Britt and Kelsey some space so they can have a talk in their bras on the balcony.  That was weird. 

Date Card:  Britt puts her shirt back on and reads it.   “Becca, Let’s give love a shot.”  Frankly, I was glad to see Becca get the outdoorsy, gun shooting date.  She’s clearly been patient enough for a one-on-one and she’s demonstrated that she’s not too shallow to appreciate the simplicity of the outdoors.    

Kelsey, on the other hand, is f*cking nuts.  I mean rare nuts.  She’s a unicorn in the Crazy Forest.  It’s easy to picture her giggling maniacally while holding a sharp knife in one hand and the severed phallus of her next boyfriend in the other.  The last time I checked, the Crazy Horse Monument was in South Dakota.  Take out the words “horse” and “monument” and it has a lot in common with Kelsey.

Look how Crazy Kelsey is!  

Becca arrives for her date with Chris in an understated gray sweater and black jeans.  She looked great.  Horseback riding, camp fires, and REAL country music in the background.  Hell, I would have rolled the cob with Chris to go on that date. I might have even put out too.  Those sorts of things tickle my fancy.  Of course, we all know how much I like my fancy tickled.

Time for a guy’s observation.  Alright, Becca isn’t the shiniest star in the sky when it comes to personality.  She’s quiet, passive, and likely hates attention.  All of that is fine except for the tiny fact that she’s on a reality show competing with 25 peacocks for a chance to move to Iowa.  When she and Chris were alone she made it count.  She clearly made him laugh, appreciated the date, and didn’t over think every second of it.  She let him share what he thought was beautiful and enjoyed herself doing it.  Oh, and she didn’t whine and seek constant reassurance either.  That’s why she’ll be around until the Fantasy Suite. 

Let me bring this full circle. 

Becca wasn’t faking it.  Contrast Ashley and Kelsey. 

“I’m here to win.” 

“I’m not going to get beat.” 

“I can’t believe you like her.” 

“She’s not right for you.”

“Walk after me when I cry in the desert.”

“Help me with my oxygen mask.” 

“I didn’t murder my husband.”

“MY story is amazing.”

“I want to be a princess and go on a princess date.”

“I can’t believe you told her that.”

“I’m a virgin.”

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.” 

Top that off with constant crying, complaining, lying, and sprinkle in what appears to be legitimate life threatening behavior (his, not hers) and you get what you saw in the Badlands on the 2 on 1 date.  He was so over both of them he would have tried flying that copter out of there on his own if Kelsey would have killed the pilot.    

If Becca didn’t like the date, she could choose not to go out with him again.  It’s that simple.  If a guy makes the effort to plan a date showing you what makes him tick, then take note.  If whatever it happens to be is so off-putting to you that you can’t imagine doing it again, then DON’T GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN.  

Convincing yourself you’ll put up with it until he’s on the hook is what’s known as a bait and switch.  That’s a recipe for resentment and pent up anger.   The problem with pent up feelings is, of course, that they eventually explode.  Prevent a man from doing what he truly loves to do and you’ll find yourself wondering why he can’t stand you years into your relationship.  You'll also hate his girlfriend.    

A man will marry a woman he thinks will accept him for who he is rather than what a woman wants him to be.  Final note on this:  Men are who they are the day you meet them and the older they are the less they will ever change.  Put another way, the fence may weather and change color over time, but it’s never going to be anything but a fence.  Becca got a rose for knowing that.   

Cue that crazy xylophone music and pour the women some wine in the morning. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Whitney attempt to confront Kelsey but it’s clear she’s been there before . . . a lot.  I’d love to drop in a joke here but she’s so manipulative it’s frightening.  She does take a moment to remind us how smart she is and that she’s often misunderstood because she knows so many big words. 

Wow.  I have a few big words for you, Kelsey.  How about “Munchausen Syndrome,"  "Sociopath," and “Psychiatric Factitious Behavior?” 

Date Card:  “Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan, Let’s make sweet music together.” 

We all did the math and realized that Kelsey and Ashley get the 2 on 1 by default.  We all put down our chardonnay glasses and high fived the person sitting next to us in anticipation of the desert showdown.  Ashley guarantees herself the rose and we all know that’s a death sentence for both women.   A guaranteed victory hasn’t worked for anyone but Joe Namath, Ashley.  Watch the film, rookie. 

I guarantee Ashley won't win.
Big and Rich show up for some reason.  Megan jumps on the bar and looks for a pole before they tell the girls they’ll be writing and performing their own “country” songs.  Jade, who is apparently not shy about flaunting her hoo-ha across the screen in soft core pornographic movies, is inexplicably shy about performing a song with her clothes on.  So be it.   

She gets writer’s block after Big Kenny makes her run down Main Street screaming self-actualizing statements at the top of her lungs.  Jade claims she can’t write a country song while sitting at a hole-in-the-wall bar watching her boyfriend kiss another woman in the corner.  Hey Jade, that’s the first verse of most good country songs.  She clearly doesn’t get the genre. 
The best part of that entire thing was when Big and Rich made fun of Chris’ boots and the ill-fitting jeans he wore with them.  I’m glad they did.  I’ve answered a Some Guy Tells All question about boots and jeans before.  Chris—and whatever member of the ABC Wardrobe Department dressed him—clearly hasn’t read it. 

I won’t belabor the date by discussing Britt’s Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful wardrobe or Kaitlyn’s Axl Rose pants.  I was happy to see that Carly finally got a date that accentuated one of her talents—well, other than goat milking and losing to she-men on obstacle courses.

Incidentally, I find it ironic that the only quote I remember from that movie is when Mary Stuart Masterson said to Eric Stoltz, “don’t go mistaking paradise for a long pair of legs.”   As true today as it was in 1987, I suppose.    

Regardless, Britt got the rose after she and Chris “snuck” away to dance horribly on stage at the Big and Rich Concert at the Deadwood County V.F.W. before returning to face the anger and disappointment of the rest of the girls.  Dick move, Chris. Even Kaitlyn cracked.     

Two-on-One Date:  “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.  Let’s have some good times in the Badlands.”

Ignoring the free helicopter ride over Mount Rushmore and the aforementioned Crazy Horse Memorial, Kelsey and Ashely can’t wait to land the damn chopper and get down to the business of trashing each other.  Poor Chris. 

Ashley violated the Rule of all Bachelor Rules by ratting out Kelsey for being the fake that she is.  Kelsey passed the time on the Bachelor bed in the middle of the Badlands by snuggling up with her false sense of security.  Frankly, she looked comfortable in the Badlands.  She’s likely buried a body or two in places similar to that. 

Chris calls her out for “being fake” and drops “Ashley just told me this”. 

“Uh, oh.”  I said between Lone Star sips.  “It’s on now.” 

Kelsey psychotic rant, Take One  . . . . Aaaaand action,   

“She needs to go home ….and …play dress up like she has for the past 24 years.” 

Frankly, she had a point.  “Crazy” doesn’t always live in the same house with "Irrational" and Kelsey demonstrated that she had Ashley pegged.  To be fair, the reverse was also true.

I know what you did

Poor Chris comes back from taking a leak somewhere in the Badlands and has to deal with the crying and the carrying on.

“Uh, time for Mr. Bachelor to get back on his helicopter and leave you two bi*ches to eat each other,” would have been my response. 

He was so over the crying and the drama he couldn’t stand it.  It’s a darn good thing Ashley’s mascara was waterproof or the Badlands would have turned into the Black Hills. 

He finally dumps her.  Hymen still in tact, Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it.     

The female version of the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party and he cried for Chris Harrison who kicked her off the show removes Ashley’s luggage much to the chagrin of the house bound ladies. 

One down.  One to go.

Chris kind of sort of dumps Kelsey in the most equivocal way possible.  To be fair he was probably in fear of his life.  He didn’t want to have to lock up the sickle in the Iowa barn the rest of his life.  She eventually gets the picture and, as quickly as it appeared, the specter of Kelsey Poe is gone forevermore.   

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
  Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
  Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!
 Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my    door!”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

When the female version of the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party and he cried for Chris Harrison who kicked her off the show removes Kelsey’s luggage the remaining women jump for joy.  Even Jade screamed. 

The episode ended with Becca and Chris shooting guns.  Yea, she’s going to the Fantasy Suite. 

Well, there it is.  Episode 6.  We’re down to home towns with . . . 

Jade (her midriff in full view)

. . . still remaining.  My guess is that Jade, Becca, and Kaitlyn are the final 3 although I’m not certain about Kaitlyn anymore.  I just don’t see who replaces her after the big trip to Iowa next week.  Britt is an obvious front runner, but based on the previews it looks like she has a meltdown when she finds out the closest Forever 21 is literally hundreds of miles away and they don’t sell red Chuck Taylor high tops in Arlington, Iowa.  Megan and Whitney are on the chopping block but Whitney has been silently gaining ground since her “spontaneous” wedding crash and, while I don’t like her, she’s been a voice of reason in the house. 

We shall see, shan’t we?  Weigh in in the Comments below or on Twitter  @someguyinaustin.  Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sharpening my stabbin’ knife in the Badlands. 



  1. My favorite quotes of the week...
    "The last time I checked the Crazy Horse Monument was in South Dakota. Take out the words “horse” and “monument” and it has a lot in common with Kelsey."

    "Prevent a man from doing what he truly loves to do and you’ll find yourself wondering why he can’t stand you years into your relationship. You'll also hate his girlfriend." You snuck in that last sentence so smoothly I giggled for quite awhile.

    "Dick move, Chris." Excellent summation.

    "Hymen still in tact, Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it."

    I am from up Kaitlyn's way on the west coast of B.C. so it has been nice having you back her so solidly. She's been growing on me. I don't think Chris will choose her but I can see them hanging out on the farm as drinking buddies.

    Always a treat reading your postings.
    Thanks! Kim

    1. Great to see a night owl in the mix! Thanks for the quick read and comment. Now go to sleep! DP

    2. It's only 11 pm on the west coast so YOU go to sleep! :)


  2. Couldn't sleep so I got on the computer (yeah, yeah I know that makes it worse) but I figure if I can't sleep I'd just as soon laugh. You didn't fail me. I was going to mention my favorite lines but basically, I'd be cutting and pasting the whole entry. Loved it.

    I'd give my rose to a guy who would watch this show with me and come up with the great one-liners (and lives in Austin as a bonus--Hook 'Em!). Since someone else was smart enough (maybe even smarter than Kelsey-the-self-proclaimed-genius) to get there first, thanks for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us!

    1. Uh oh, wait a minute...just realized...
      You're from Austin. Kelsey's from Austin. BE CAREFUL!

  3. “Uh, time for Mr. Bachelor to get back on his helicopter and leave you two bi*ches to eat each other,” would have been my response.
    That would have been my response too! Although if I had to pick one I would have taken fake Ashley over Crazy Ass Kelsey. How great would it have been if they would have made those two figure out how to get out of the Badlands by themselves? It could have been a whole new show!

    1. Yes, dramatic is annoying but not life threatening. DP

  4. Sorry I fell out of first place this week, DP. I had my first day at Walgreens yesterday and the shock of what it feels like to stand in the same place for 7 hours straight caused me to crash and crash hard about 9 pm last night.

    Chris is an idiot. There have been other group dates where he's decided to have one-on-one time with one girl in particular for the evening. He could have at least said that to them. Just running off with Britt without saying a word and leaving them there for over an hour like they didn't exist was simply rude. And he couldn't figure out why they were so upset? Please tell me he's not actually that stupid. So it's gonna be a real kicker when Britt loses her mind, breaks down and decides she's not moving to Bumf*ckville Iowa and goes back to Hollywood. And can we make it a Bachelor rule for the bachelor that you never ever ever make out with one chick in front of another one? (If you couldn't tell, I really disliked him this episode.)

    I love Becca. I know I gave you my Final 4 with her in it last time (which I'm still standing by, by the way), but after seeing her on this date, I think she'll make Final 2, but she won't get picked because she's a bit dull.

    That 2-on-1 was just awkward. You could tell by the look on Chris' face from the first shot of them in the helicopter that he did not want to be there with either one of them. They could have saved 30 minutes of air time and actually shown the rose ceremony by having them land and him cut to the chase and immediately say, "Well, this is your stop. Having fun fighting to the death. I'm going back to the other girls who don't terrify me. Bye!"

    There are always so many lines that I love so much it's hard to pick a favorite, but this is one that sticks out to me: "Hymen still in tact, Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it."

    Oh, and just a reminder, there are two episodes next week, Sunday and Monday. Sunday there'll be a rose ceremony where one more girl gets eliminated, then a move to another city where it goes from six to four girls. Then Monday is the four hometown dates. Double the work for you but more entertainment for us!

    1. As always, solid analysis. Glad to hear you're busy. Save your money so you won't have to be busy when you're older. DP

    2. I live in New York City and am going to grad school and working. There is no such thing as saving money right now. I'm just trying to survive.

  5. Dick move indeed. My exact words on my facebook feed. I thought about drinking every time someone exclaimed "it's not fair" but I only have 2 small wine fridges, and that would have called for an industrial size one.

  6. "Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it" - I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

    Make sure you and Mrs. SGIA are packing heat in Austin with Kelsey back in town. If she sees your post she may try to cut you! Pls tell us if you see her like you keep us updated on Brad Womack trips to the gym.

    Andi gets interviewed next week - SNORE....she wants 15 more min of fame....Kelsey also gets interviewed and looks even more psycho (if possible).

    Thanks for the laughs as always.

    1. Tears of laughter are a good thing. . . as long as you're not covered in mascara. DP

    2. Dude, no risk. Please comment on the Andi 15 min of extended fame. "I can't even".

      My husband and I are in TX and I am sourcing extra guns just in case - due to Kelsey. Please protect Mrs. SGIA LOL


  7. Oh, one of your best of all time, DP! Everything you wrote about Kelsey was spot on and hilarious. You are so right -- she would totally pull a Lorena Bobbitt. Love your perspective and insight on this ridiculous show. By the way, loved last week's post too!

    Sheila M.

    1. Best of all time? That's very generous. Glad you enjoyed it. DP

  8. Boring except for the date in the Badlands and the girls' reaction when they realized that Kelsey was also gone-that was classic.
    Becca seems very normal-I like her a lot. The group date was so dorky-why do they keep having these lame singing competitions on dates? Taking Britt to the concert was a chicken way out -he could have said I can only take one of you to the concert and I am taking Britt rather than leaving the others just sitting there wondering what was going on. The "date" in the Badlands-just what in the world was that date supposed to be? 3 of them talking while laying on a bed in the middle of nowhere? I have been to the Badlands and there is a lot of middle of nowhere there. But glad Chris had the balls to let both of them go. Best line from that -"It's a good thing Ashley's mascara was waterproof of the Badlands would have turned into the Black Hills" I read that Kelsey is moving to Paris to write so everybody in Austin is safe from that nut job.
    Sal in Utah

    1. Paris is perfect for Kelsey. She can kill people who are rude to her. DP

  9. DP, who knew this season would be so chalk full of crazy, sprinkled in with a dick move from a supposed "Price Farming"?!?!?! I agree - BEST SEASON in a long time!!! As usual, your recaps are spot on but the line that had me dying was about Ashley :

    "He finally dumps her. Hymen still in tact, Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it."

    I was disappointed in our Bachelor for pulling the dick move with Britt and taking her to the concert while the rest of the girls had to cool their heels, completely oblivious to what those two were up to. That was pretty lame but he redeemed himself when he got rid of Ashley AND Crazy Kelsey on the 2 on 1. I had a group of girls over for the show and we all literally jumped up and down on our couches like Tom Cruise on Oprah when that happened.

    Like I said before - my money is on Becca. I called that from week 3 and I hope I'm right. She seems like the most normal and the one that is most likely to be able to live on a farm in Iowa. The rest of them have empty clue bags as to what that lifestyle would truly be like!!!

    Last thing - I actually had to laugh when you said Whitney was the "voice of reason"... she is the voice of reason but that voice has also got to go!!! Not that I want to be mean but I couldn't imagine having to listening to that for the rest of my life. YIKES!

    How lucky are we that we get TWO episodes next week?!?!?! Whoooo hooooo!

    Rose in OC

    1. The Sephora joke KILLED this week. Glad to see it. Oh, and as far as the two episodes? You're lucky. I have to write about both! DP

  10. I do love this season- but mostly because the women are crazy which makes for great entertainment. I was all set to adore Chris after warming to him on Andi's season, but he continues to make me shout, "SERIOUSLY?" at my screen. The constant kissing in front of the other girls, leaving them hanging when he ran off with Britt, and announcing what people have said to him in confidence is just wrong.

    You, on the other hand, are fantastic as always. The waterproof mascara/Black Hills comment was perfection.

  11. The Sephora joke was ok but Charles Manson and the explosive diarrhea really got me. Also loved the Some Kind of Wonderful wardrobe reference - so randomly perfect! What is it with Britt? Free hugs, fuchsia lipstick, dated Converse hightops with dirty old socks. I don't get it. Is it the old "I'm so pretty I can do and wear whatever I want" thing?

  12. Just saw the recap was up and had to rush to the kitchen to make a martini in order to read this. All better now....this was hysterical! Love, love, love the Charles Manson references...total favorite..sick, I know. And Kelsey I can see as another Lorena Bobbit. She is cray cray. No way is Ashley eyelashes a virgin. I still don't buy it. Way too much TMI here even on one martini... BUT, when I was a virgin (way back when-lol) I was nowhere near that sexually aggressive. I didn't know many women that were.

    This has been a great season so far for how insane the "ladies" are and how incredibly stupid the farmer appears to be. He is as dumb as a box of rocks. Cannot wait for two episodes next week--which means two recaps for us!!! Thanks for the entertainment! I have a lengthy list of shows I would love you to recap. For starters: Housewives, pretty please?? Will mail you cases of lone star and spa gift certificates for Mrs. SGIA. :-) KatherineNOLA

  13. great recap! funny as always.

    this season has left me, numerous times, with my mouth actually hanging open! there is some real, true crazy roaming that set. and the badlands. but i love it!

    love the reference to some kind of wonderful and britt's outfit - so perfect! loved that movie. another quote from that movie i always remember is when MSM says to lea thompson "break his heart, i break your face". i'm sure that's what wilson phillips, i mean chris's sisters, were thinking when they sent super boring and insecure jade on her princess date with him. haha!

    and right now i do like most of the remaining girls, but i'm not seeing any of them with chris for the long haul. not even for the short haul. i haven't seen any "real" connection with any of them except a physical one, and that's probably just from him being like a kid in a candy store! i would be doing the same if i had that many young, hot guys in front of me - make out machine!

    double duty for sunday and monday. but we have faith in you. you can do it :-)

    ~princi in SF

  14. I just bought some Swiffer refills and thought of Ashley.