Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Bachelor Chris Episode 5: Britt Gets Bratty

Amazing Count 81
Journey Count 16

Well hello, Readers.  Dude.  I have to confess that this is shaping up to be my favorite Bachelor season since Jake cried like a sissy demanding to see Chris Harrison when Roz cheated on him at his own cocktail party before being told to hit the road and being walked out of the mansion by that fat guy in the black leather hat who helped her pack her sh*t.  

This week would bring us a Tierra-esque fall, more classic female dating mistakes, and tantalizing tastes of turquoise in the capital city of Santa Fe, New Mexico.  

Incidentally, when Texas became a republic in 1836 it claimed Santa Fe as part of Texas along the Rio Grande.  Unfortunately for the people who lost their lives gaining independence from Mexico, Megan never got the message.  According to her, Santa Fe might as well be Cancun.  Can you imagine how simple and myopic her day-to-day thoughts are?   It’s fascinating, really.  It’s inconceivable to me that any person with a grade school education---or a smart phone---would have no idea that New Mexico is part of the United States.  Apparently, that word doesn’t mean what I think it means.

I do not think it means what you think it means.  

Chris arrives early in Santa Fe to scope out his Southwestern-themed hotel and align his chakras.  More about the chakras and vortices later.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Southwest, you’re in for a treat.   The only thing more colorful than the scenery is the host of hippies and weirdoes who specialize in unconventional healing methods and existing off the grid.  

Harrison pops in for a moment in his casual v-neck sweater.  Like his appearance later in the show, he’s got no time for nonsense.  “Listen up.  Pack what you need.  You’re going to Santa Fe.  No, you don't need a passport.  Here’s the date card.  I’m out.” Drop mic.  Exit Stage Left.  After all, that peyote isn’t going to eat itself.  

Speaking of peyote, Megan optimistically hopes that in New Mexico they’ll be going to a “beach resort place.”  In New Mexico.  All of the virgins and non-virgins alike are excited to take the field trip.  Date Card.  “Carly.  Let’s come together.  Chris.” 


Kelsey, who’s been creeping toward instability for weeks now, begins to take on crazy like water into the engine room of the Titanic.  She’s officially nuts---and possibly a murderer, although I’m hopeful that poor Sanderson’s plot involved some Sleeping with the Enemy-type escape plan rather than an early demise. 

The irony is that Santa Fe would have made a perfect hiding place for him to re-build his modest, albeit fulfilling, new life with a mousy, yet sweet and angelic school teacher who appreciates him for who he really is rather than how carefully he aligns the soup can labels in the pantry. 

What’s more plausible:  an early death due to congestive heart failure or a well-planned falsification of own death in order to get away from the hyper-possessive claws of his f*cking crazy wife?  Let’s pray it’s the latter.  If not, God rest his soul.  His parents were likely not thrilled with her little display.    

I know I’m rambling this week.  Let’s see where this goes. 

Britt.  For weeks now I’ve been wondering who reminds me of Britt.  Fortunately for me, my friend Heather has a daughter named Eliza who grew up with Britt and her sisters.  Eliza was nice enough to send me a picture them.

That's Britt in the middle.

Boom.  She looks like a Bratz doll.  Hilarious.  Apparently, the biggest difference between Britt and an actual Bratz doll is that the Bratz dolls wear a pant size large than her and occasionally bathe.  That was weird, wasn’t it? 

On a side note, Eliza, a teenager, was away for the summer when the Mrs. and I visited Heather and her extremely tolerant husband Mike.  They are very dear friends and, because of that, Heather insisted we sleep in Eliza's room because--spare the thought--the guest room bed was not up to par.  It was a bit close to the wine cellar as well.  To be fair, letting me sleep there is like letting the wolf sleep next to the hen house. 

At any rate, I proceeded to enjoy Heather and Mike's vast wine collection and ended up hammered with a set of purple lips and purple teeth before staggering into bed.  The Mrs. has the creepiest picture of me drunk off my gourd lying alone with a purple grin like the Grinch in a teenage girl's bed.  It's extremely disturbing  . . . and funny too.  Sorry, Liza.  That's your mom's fault.  Back to the recap.   

Everyone wanders amongst the turquoise and peyote and we find out that Santa Fe is the perfect place to fall in love.  Sigh . . . . exactly how long is that list now?   

Carly successfully executes this season’s first leap and kiss greeting.  She and Chris compare overbites before heading into the Hacienda del Poontang for the weirdest date in Bachelor history.    

They find a New Mexican meditating by the pool.  Frankly she looked a lot like an old Mexican, but that’s neither here nor there.  Her name was Tsatziki Sauce and she was an Intimacy and Love Coach which, in Santa Fe anyway, is apparently synonymous with Bullsh*t Artist and Voyeur.   

Look, I know there are some of you reading this who actually believe in vortices, crystal powers, chakra realignment, tantric healing, and even free healthcare.  I’m not judging.  If that works for you, fantastic.  Perhaps I’m too cynical to buy it.  Sedona, Arizona is one of my favorite places to go.  It’s basically Santa Fe with less turquoise and Indians instead of New Mexicans.  I’ll admit the rocks and crystals there have great healing power . . . just not the rocks and crystals they sell in the gift shops.

Healing Rocks.
Carly has gotten the short end of the stick this season.  Goat’s milk, mud races, and chanting ex-hippies.  Poor thing.   She tried to be a good sport, but was clearly uncomfortable. Well, everything but the straddling him Indian-style before Chris finally manned up dropping “it’s our first date and some things are worth waiting for.”  I can’t wait for the end of this date, I thought. 

After a great conversation by the fire, Carly got the rose.  As I said last time, she’s really won me over and I thought that her fire time was reminiscent of last week’s time with Jade.  She was open, honest, calm, and listened when she had to.  He’ll respect her, but he won’t pick her.   Why?  Too much damage lurking below the surface and she’s not hot enough.  Sorry, but it’s the truth.  Carly will find the right person.  She’s too funny, genuine, and sweet not to.  It’s just not Chris.   

Incidentally, if you’re looking for tips from a guy’s perspective here’s one:  Women get locked up on the superficial things about other women, which is why they say things like Ashley I. did this week about the other women.  “I don’t see him with someone like her” or  “how could he like her, she’s not even pretty.”  Their focus is on the wrong thing.

Looks are important to men, but looks alone won't keep a man around.  Men looking for a commitment look for authenticity.  They look for a girl who doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not.  I think we’d all agree that Ashely I. is an example of what not to do.  Jade and Carly are real people regardless of who they are.  Neither one of them is acting.  That’s the same reason why Michelle Money is . . . well, Michelle Money.  She’s a high maintenance pain in the ass but she owns it.  There’s something liberating about that to a man.

Put another way, there’s only one relationship you can control.  That’s your relationship with the guy you’re into.   Focus on a.) being honest with yourself and with him and b.) being a decent person.  The rest is chocolate ice cream.  Sorry, that’s the best I can explain it.  Just watch Chris’s reaction.  You’ll see what I mean.    

Kelsey talks and talks.  She’s terrifying.  I was waiting for her to be overcome with guilt and break into a sleepwalking fit. 

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One, two. Why, then, ’tis time to do ’t. Hell is murky!—Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him. 

My Story is AMAZING!  

Granted, Lady Macbeth talked her husband into killing King Duncan, but you get the picture.  I’d bet even Lady Macbeth would have waited more than 15 months to go on a dating show.  

How’d you like to fall asleep next to Kelsey knowing the Wustoff-filled Crate and Barrel Knife Block she made you register for was sitting on the kitchen counter just down the hallway?  I think we all envisioned the disinterment of poor Sanderson for the much-needed toxicology tests his heretofore “grieving” widow refused to allow.  Disturbing. 

Group Date    

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, Kelsey—Group Date.  “I’m rapidly falling in love.”  

The girls show up in 8 different versions of the same outfit.  Lululemon yoga pants and hoodies give way to helmets and life jackets right after Cisco the Water Rafting Guide ducked into the shot for the best cameo in Bachelor history by terrifying the women before the big boating trip (drop mic. exit stage left).  He’s apparently had some free time on his hands since he recorded The Thong Song.

Rafting is Dangerous

Dinner.  Tight dresses and leather tiny jackets are the yoga pants and hoodies of the evening.  “Time is the most important thing” becomes the theme around the regionally decorated lodge.  Sigh… do they know nothing? 

Jordan, who apparently took three weeks to sober up, shows up at the hotel after her 392 mile drive from Denver (thanks Google Maps).  She drove from Colorado.  Good Lord.  I wonder if she disabled her ankle bracelet.  Notwithstanding the fact that we all suspended the “how did she know to go to that hotel at that time and wait in the lobby for Chris” question and just accepted the fact that she was there, I think we couldn’t ignore the most obvious question:  how did she even remember who Chris was after walking around drunker than a hobo with gout for a week before being sent home?  Like an idiot, he brings her to hang with the remaining ladies. 

Look, if the Producers made him do it, ok.  However, if that was his idea, he’s dumber than Megan.  Turquoise necklaces prove there’s a gift shop in the hotel.  The only things more prominent than the shiny new turquoise swag were the go-to-hell looks jumping from the women’s faces like angry frogs from hot lily pads when Jordan entered the room. 

Ashley I. in her hymen-accentuating “dress” loses it.  She’s a child.  The rest of the women, one by one, proceed to complain about Jordan to Chris rather than taking the time to talk to him about—oh…any other subject than what a bad decision he just made.  Another tip:  Men LOVE to be nagged into submission by being told they’re too stupid to make a good decision. 

Becca and Jade came the closest to doing it artfully but Whitney scored points by remaining classy.  She was rewarded with the “Girl Who Bitched the Least” Rose from Chris.  Solid work, Whitney.  You have 9 lives.   

Ladies, ladies, ladies.   See my rules from last week’s post. NEVER question the Bachelor’s decision when it comes to the other women.  It’s useless not to mention the fact that you’re all being artfully manipulated by the production staff.  If any of the women are under the delusion that Jordan woke up one day, jumped in her Jeep, blew into her court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock, and headed South to Santa Fe on a whim, they need to wake up.  Chris finally relents and sends Jordan packing. 

Man, it would have been fun to meet her at the hotel bar that night and get drunk with her.  Can you imagine?  I pictured Harrison popping up next to her, whiskey bottle in one hand, two glasses in the other saying, “man, that was tough in there” and then texting that Tzatsiki lady his room number on their way up the elevator.  Annyyyhooo. . .  

Kelsey looks like Olive Oyl.

There's arsenic in your spinach.

Date Card.  Britt apparently doesn’t shower.  He should have taken her on the Rio Grande date.   “The Sky’s the limit.”  She’s terrified of heights and she cries based solely on the word “sky” in the Date Card.    

Britt is a closet pain in the ass.  It’s obvious.  She sleeps in her makeup for crying out loud.  Mass murdering clowns don’t even do that.  She doesn’t shower either.   I’m not buying that, however.  When Chris “snuck” into her already open hotel suite to “wake her up” for their date, her hair was freshly blown out and her eyes weren’t stuck together like Ashely I.’s legs at a frat house.  Now SHE’S acting. 

She and Chris have a date filled with hot air.  It involved a balloon ride too. 

Kelsey continues to go nuts.  And jealousy begins to flow like free chardonnay.  She’s the type of girl that is so jealous she’d look at a guy's calendar and wonder who May and June were.   

Saint Augustine wrote “[s]he that is jealous is not in love” and John Dryden wrote “jealousy is the jaundice of the soul.”  I think both of those are true statements.  The women this week spent more time focusing on what they could not control than they did on why they came there in the first place.  Sometimes that’s funny and sometimes I try to make it funnier than it is.  This week it bordered on sad.    

There is always something containing “Self” within jealous speculation.  “We begin by coveting what we see every day,” says Hanibal Lecter to a young Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs.  Some of these women have been coveting a wedding for so long now, they’ve forgotten about the part between being single and getting married.  The ones who can focus on that in the remaining weeks will walk away with roses.   

You’ll notice I’m glossing over the next bit of goings on.  That’s because we were treated to my favorite Bachelor scenario.  Our Bachelor, overcome with emotion after Kelsey fooled him into thinking she’s not a sociopath, “takes a moment” to go cry in the driveway.  We all knew what was going on behind the scenes.

Production Asst.:   “Mr. Harrison?  I’m sorry to disturb you and Jordan.”

OHCH:                       “It’s fine.  Tsatziki, stop chanting.  Go on.”

Production Asst:         “Hayseed One has left the corn field.  We have a code yellow.”

OHCH:                       “I’ll be right down.  Tsatziki, grab my vest.”

 “What just happened in there?” is his lead in.  Brilliant.  He calms our Bachelor sans the yet-to-be-seen Lair of Seclusion, drops the “no cocktail party” speech on the ladies and heads back to his tantric hideaway to finish exploring Jordan’s vorticies.  You know he handed his butter knife and ubiquitous champagne flute hastily to the anxious intern in the lobby on his way to the elevator.

OHCH:           “That’s how it’s done.”

Intern:             “Th—th—thank you, Mr. Har…”

OHCH:           “No eye contact.  Don’t address me.”  

Kelsey, realizing she’s on the chopping block in spite of her veiled threats of mariticide fakes a slip and fall near the bathroom.  She needed a lawyer more than she needed a medic at that point.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, there is no rose ceremony.  Nice twist.  Bravo. 



We’ll have to wait until next week to see what awaits the rest of the ladies.

Well, there it is.  More reflective and preachy than normal, but this season, unlike the last few, has made me think.  That’s a nice change.  Speculate away in the Comments below or find me on Twitter @SomeGuyinAustin.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be rafting in Santa Fe, Mexico.   DP 


  1. My favorite parts this week were the numerous Kelsey comparisons, all of which were spot on by the way, and the "Girl Who Bitched the Least" rose comment which is exactly what I said it was when I was watching. Geez, ladies, you're trying to get him to fall in love with you; stopping just shy of calling him an idiot is not the way to do it.

    I can't wait to see the meltdowns that come from Kelsey and Ashley when they inevitably go home. Hopefully they'll make up for the meltdown we didn't get from Ashley S. It'll probably take Megan until the end of the season to realize she wasn't on the show anymore.

    You can preach all you want, DP. You're right on, as always.

    I said last week that Carly won't win, for very similar reasons. Told you I think like a dude sometimes. Ha!

    Britt can just suck it. Ugh. I dislike her even more now. Ashley's annoying, yes, but I almost feel sorry for someone that clueless. Britt feels way too manipulative, so I think I actually dislike her the most. But I suppose we can blame the editing at least partially.

    I'm guessing Chris' final 4 will be Whitney, Jade, Kaitlyn, and Becca. Kaitlyn because she's "cool" and go-with-the-flow which Chris has stated numerous times he's looking for, Whitney because like you said she looks like his sisters, and Jade and Becca because they're quiet and demure and seem to get along with everyone in the house. We'll see if I'm right. :) This season, I read info on the girls but actually stayed away from the spoilers of who wins, so it's been interesting to read it unspoiled for the ending but still aware of how fake everything is.

    1. *watch it unspoiled, not read it unspoiled, haha typo.

    2. First one in every week. You deserve a major award. You picked the final 4 perfectly. DP

    3. Well, I'm a serious night owl, so I'm generally up when you post. My insomnia comes in handy every now and then. What award do you have for me, DP? :)

  2. Hey, there! I just stumbled on your recaps a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I would stop lurking and let you know that I think you're a talented writer and your recaps have really made me laugh. I couldn't keep watching after episode two of this season - no, really, I could not force myself to keep watching, it felt like struggling through a swamp - but I still read a few recaps because I think they're funny. I look forward to reading what you have to say about the rest of the season!

    -An only slightly hypocritical recap reader

    1. A new commenter! Great. I'm happy you found me. Read some of my off season stuff. It's a lot more thought out than the night of the show information dump! DP

  3. Love your recaps, and this one was spot on! This season has been so awkward I have spent most of it watching by peeking from behind a pillow. Almost too hard to watch!
    I do have a question, have you discussed (I may have missed it) Prince Farming's lack of an upper lip? It's almost distracting.

    1. I've been discussing the missing lip for two seasons now. It's definitely distracting. DP

  4. You are right on about Kelsey. She is so creepy. I think Chris started crying when he realized he was going to 86 Kelsey and she might kill him. I am still laughing over "Hayseed One". Solid work SG. One last thing, my 14year old daughter happened by the TV during the "non cocktail" party and had this gem to offer: "So much desperation in one room! How can you stand to watch?" The kid has a point.

    1. The kid does have a point. Buy her an ice cream. DP

  5. I laughed out loud at "Her name was Tzatsiki Sauce". Solid joke about a ridiculous woman.

    I like when you're reflective and preachy. I've said it before, but I think every woman should have to read your blog for some what-should-be-common-sense life lessons.

    Carly's my favorite and I'm sad for her because I agree he's not going to pick her. I foresee a broken heart pretty soon and it sucks. I share a lot of her insecurities and despite knowing that insecurity is not an attractive quality, it's hard to get past sometimes. So I feel for her and hope she finds someone incredible.

    Speaking of Carly, am I the last person to know that she's the sister of Zak (oil guy who was shirtless a lot) who was eliminated after hometown dates in Des' season?? What an incestuous franchise we watch!

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Nice going, anonymous. Many people who read this blog prefer to be unspoiled. Thanks for ruining the ending.

    2. No spoilers on the site, but that pick surprises me. She's done well the past couple of weeks. Who knows, maybe she's Iowa material. DP

    3. Wow - thanks Anonymous. This is a spoiler free zone....and up to this point I didn't know who supposedly won. It'd be great if you took down your post so you didn't ruin it for others who haven't seen it yet.

  7. Oh yeah, and another thing ... Britt saying she doesn't shower is like a model saying she loves to eat french fries and ice cream. Ever notice that when you read an interview of a model (such as in GQ, etc.), the interviewer always says the model orders something like fettucini alfredo. And then model says she likes to eat burgers and pizza every so often, and her favorite snack is Cheeto's, just like the "normal people." Britt is never seen without being snuggled up to one of the other bachelorettes, or with her arm draped over someone's lap, or hugging and stroking someone. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is just a little bit unsophisticated and immature.

  8. as a health care worker I know for a fact that people (especially young pre 20ish men) don't drop dead of congestive heart failure- my thoughts are Sanderson is just a figment of her imagination. Sounds like she has had her imaginary friend all of her life and that is the name she made up.
    fun stuff

    1. I Googled Sanderson Poe the other day because I was so curious and because that name sounds fake, and it turns out her husband was a good bit older than her. He was 42 when he died. Still awfully young, but more plausible. That doesn't mean she's not a lunatic though!

    2. The whole thing is weird. She's off the reservation. I'm sure that didn't help his health issues. DP

    3. I love the fact you googled him. I didn't think about that. Poor guy is probably trying to stay under the radar in his hideout . love it

  9. Michelle Money may be that way with Bachelor events, but she is on a morning show here in Utah where they do cooking, crafts, Utah events, etc. She's about as comfortable as a "bastard on Father's Day."

    Thank you so much for recapping! Right on about the Bratz doll; don't like Britt at all. I loved your St. Augustine quote and Lady McBeth references.

  10. Your post was hilarious and so needed in my life right now. Things are pretty up in the air for me and just reading your jokes punctuated by profound thoughts about dating and life really got me out of my own head for a bit. Thank you for using your writing skills for good.

    That Tzatskiki sauce woman was crock. I've never been to a love guru but any yoga instructor worth their salt asks more questions and notices discomfort levels faster. Poor Carly. She's too genuine and nice of a person to get such a throw away date. If that date had to be a thing, I kind of wonder how Ashley I would have been in it, in a stare at a train wreck kinda way.

    Kaitlyn and Carly are still my favorites. Last week I was sure that Jade or Becca would win it. This week it was looking like he was really into Whitney and Britt. Although thanks for the male perspective on the Whitney rose. I'd been expecting Becca or Jade.

    As for Kelsey... kindest possible interpretation is she just hasn't dealt with her grief and isn't ready to be dating. She definitely gave off a black widow vibe though. One thing I noticed, she's very out of touch with what her body is telling her. She was acting glib earlier and then saying that her middle part was warm and her hands and feet felt cold and I wanted to tell her, "Listen to your body, go somewhere warm, quiet and dark and lay down for a bit." Instead she just had Britt for some reason holding her hand and whispering poison in her ears. Britt gives me the creeps more than Kelsey does to be honest. I think Kelsey had a certain timeline and a certain way she wanted to come across on the show and for it to go and I think its not going that way for her and so we're getting to watch her crack. Those producers and behind the scenes people have really got this show down to an art form. The last two episodes have been train wreck heaven. I hope the network at least pay for everyone's therapy after breaking them on national tv.

    1. Valid points about Kelsey. She deserves the benefit of the doubt but it's not looking good, is it? DP

  11. "mass murdering clowns don't even do that" Solid!! Sisco Thong Song - never heard of it but I LOL'd at the picture and Rafting is Dangerous!! I agree this is one of my favorite seasons as well both in the show and your recaps!!


    1. Never heard the Thong Song!?!?!?! You're missing out. DP

  12. DP, I have been a loyal reader for the last several seasons and I think I can honestly say that this recap was by far, one of your best!!! Obviously, you have a LOT of material to work with this season but I've said it before, I'll say it again - you are a genius. Way too many highlights to single out a particularly funny line...they were all pretty damn hilarious!!! Between the references of Tsatziki sauce, Peyote, Cisco thong song and the description of Chris Harrison with Jordan, I was in tears!!!

    Speaking of tears - here's my take on Kelsey. I agree with you that she is terrifyingly crazy. At least with Ashley S., you could see her "crazy" coming a mile away. The obvious crazy is, well.....obvious. The Kelsey kind of crazy is the crazy that will wake up in the middle of the night and chop your @#$% off, kind of crazy. CREEPY!!!!

    Yep, this season is definitely chalk full of insanity. My money right now is on Becca. She's still flying under the radar, seems normal enough and hopefully will get some one on one time with "Hayseed One" in the next episode. I am almost afraid to admit it but I'm truly excited to see what is going to happen next week!!! GAH!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning. I loved it but I'm not so sure my boss appreciated it. HA!

    Rose in OC

  13. "Hacienda del Poontang" is the new "Lair of Seclusion."

    I, too, thought of "Sleeping with the Enemy."

    Thanks for your efforts, DP, they are greatly appreciated!


  14. I like the Bratz doll comparison but since night one I've thought Britt could be Vanessa Minnillo Lachey's twin.

  15. Oh my... Where even to start...

    Breaking Bad must still be in business in NM, because some of these chicks had to be on drugs.

    The smedium core porn sex slavery... Which was so cleverly edited to make us all think that there was sex going on right on camera in the promos. Freaking A, someone should have set a safe word! I am proud to say that Ms. Tzaziki was not from Sante Fe, but rather Rancho Santa Fe, workplace location of me and Contestant Becca. That’s right- They shipped her into New Mexico from San Diego for this show. You're welcome, America. I didn't know this till she was on the show and then showed up on local news the next day. I now know what I am doing on my lunch breaks. I hope she has comfy bean bags and snacks for her audiences. She is obviously ok with voyerism. There are only 3000 people in this community, and how two ended up on Bachelor in 1 season is a mathematically unlikelyhood that I am not nearly good enough at math to figure out.

    Notice they didn’t pan down during the undressing and dry humping. They showed tents getting pitched last week, and didn’t want to confuse people that this was a rerun.

    Jade on the rapids. I happen to also have the same exact condition Jade has. I go all Smurf at the drop of a hat. Hence why I live in San Diego, it is 73 outside today(winter) and I still have a space heater on me. I have a very narrow range of acceptable temperatures according to my husband. Kelsey can bite me... actually never mind, she may eat her victims.

    Kelsey. What the Crap? I thought at the beginning of the show “this poor girl, she shouldn’t be here”… now I am like, “those poor girls, she shouldn’t be there!” Who did the psych evals this year for goodness sake?! She is going to boil a bunny. They took the show to a hotel just so she wouldn’t need a knife in proximity. Next years Bachelor in Paradise should include her and Nick. They can look all murdery at each other. They can change the name of the series to “…and then there was LOVE” instead of “And Then There were None” (Agatha Christy) because they will just straight up murder everyone on the show and fall deeply into homicidal bliss with each other. Watch Monday’s at 8 as this love story unfolds America. If I was the ME for Austin, I would reopen that file… and if I were you, Some Guy, I would watch my back. She is back in Austin now (cause no way she is getting picked) and looking for blood. According to her Facebook “She creates a paradoxical world”…. truer words may never have been spoken. She creates them with the hair dolls she makes from her roommates hairbrushes. No wonder Britt doesn't shower. She is avoiding the Kelsey hex!

    Some Chick in San Diego

  16. Oh, forgot to ask for your thoughts on the "nap" with Britt.


    1. Uneventful. I'm sure they were both exhausted.

  17. I laughed so much at:
    "How’d you like to fall asleep next to Kelsey knowing the Wustoff-filled Crate and Barrel Knife Block she made you register for was sitting on the kitchen counter just down the hallway? "

    You captured so many levels of Kelsey there. I'm disappointed they didn't show us what Ashley I looks like when she's sleeping and her lashes are all tangled together.

    1. Awesome. I love the kitchen block. Thanks for noticing

  18. Dude. You had me at the hilarious run-on sentence in the 1st paragraph. And the side note story was great. I kind of miss Mike's comments. I was eating my lunch (soup) whilst reading this and I may or may not have a serious computer cleaning in my near future. This was one of my favorite recaps in a long time. If all the craziness is inspiring this wit/wisdom, so be it. And keep it up.

  19. I think your comments on Chris Harrison are always spot on and the funniest part of the blog.
    Megan bless her heart she is so blissfully ignorant of everything, especially geography. Remember this is a girl who put on a helmet and started banging her head against a wall. What more can you from her pea size brain?
    On the first episode's meet and greet I thought Kelsey was nice and smart, also not the typical blonde bimbo. Wow, she sure fooled me and turns out she is crazy. I want to have my own amazing story now! LOL
    This has been one weird season and I can see why it is one of your favorites.

  20. Where do I start? Oh, maybe at the beach resort in New Mexico! Such a sad testament to the eduction system. Could the Love and Intimacy mentor be any creepier? To have two people who barely know each other go to someplace like this was cringe worthy. Wonder what that costs ABC? Surely that new age crap isn't cheap. And Carly said the word like every other word just about so I could barely stand to listen to her talk to Chris. Now I have got to believe that pale pink lipstick is alligator repellant since most of the girls on the river rafting trip had that on and Megan was sure she would see alligators and dead bodies. Very strange that Jordan just happened to know they would be in Santa Fe. Britt wearing full makeup to sleep in is very strange. Made me wonder if she knew she would be woken up in the wee hours but one of the girls said she always sleeps in full makeup. Kelsey is getting to be really strange. Her comment "I love my story" was very creepy. And gee poor Ashley, being a virgin doesn't trump being a widow. Boo hoo. Can't wait to see the result of the panic attack Kelsey had and if she will be sent packing.
    Sal in Utah

  21. Here's what I'm predicting: Samantha wins it all. Side note: I watch every week and still had to look up her name before I wrote this because she's so incredibly invisible. In fact, so invisible she didn't even get a mention in in this recap. Or in any of the comments.

    Anyway, I think she's being left out of the editing so far for a reason - just when everyone thinks they know who's leading the pack, a big The Bachelor turn of events that comes out of nowhere.

    - Kasey

  22. As someone who lost a fiancee quite suddenly, I have to say Kelsey either needs major therapy or a straightjacket. I disagree with people who think that 15 or so months is too soon to date, it's different for everyone. I spent a solid year in counseling, bible study and meditation. I tried dating after a year, it was too soon, but everyone is different, and nobody should judge a situation you've never been in.

    While what happened to me definitely changed me and made me who I am today, I would never say I LOVE my story...I don't love my story...I lost a person I loved (and always will) heart and soul. I can love my life now and be okay with what happened, but I will never love why I am where I am.

    Just my .02

  23. I am so sorry for your loss. I think if, God forbid, I lost my husband, I would be very similar in your thought process. I was appalled watching her and thought of my friends who are widows and how that must have been sickening to those who had gone through it.

  24. Been a loyal reader since the get-go, but this is your best recap ever! You keep raising the bar. Thanks for what you do -- lots of public service in your posts (wish you could monetize the thing!).

  25. Isn't it awful when a reader only chimes in to say we need this week's recap? I think I've clicked to your site at least 10 times today. I'll go back to loitering now. ;)