Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Emily Bachelorette Episode 8: DP Returns


Hello, Readers.  I’m certain that those of you who are left are wondering if I’ve chosen to divorce Tom Cruise and go into hiding for the past 3 weeks.  I won’t belabor my absence or the incredible feeling of regret that’s been sticking to me like Ryan’s undersized Euro undershirt since I last posted.  Just know that this blog is the source of much joy in my life and missing it—in a word—sucks huge balls. 

Crude analogies aside, DP is back.  This week’s plan is to recap primarily Episode 8 and add sprinklings of my thoughts from Episodes 6 and 7.  All kidding aside, I’m glad to be back.  Thank you for hanging in there with me.  Now, with the Amazing count at 63 the Journey count at 12, let’s (finally) get to it. 

It’s Hometown Week—or as I like to refer to it, Runner Up in the I Get to Bang Emily Next Week Contest Week.  Arie, Chris, Jef, and Sean remain.  “Great,” I thought, “a Dutch guy, a Polish guy, a Mormon, and an Aryan from Dallas.  Little Ricki will be thrilled.”  As always, before we start jumping on planes in search of overbearing moms, judgey sisters, and adequately concerned older brothers, we have to recap Emily’s arduous path through the forest to the doorstep of love and happiness with either a Dutch guy, a Polish guy, a Mormon, or an Aryan from Dallas. 

Back in Charlotte Emily hits the limo in her least terrifying skull shirt and comes home to her free house to see Little Ricki who apparently supervised while ABC interns created a big “Welcome Home” sign.   She's “regrouping and reminding herself what's important.”  Granted, a child is the perfect person to “regroup and remind” with, but we get it:  She’s a mom and she cares about her daughter.  These segments, while authentic, are boring.

Emily asks Little Ricki, "want to sleep in my bed tonight," to which I replied with a resounding "Hell yes," while taking a hearty pull off a freshly cracked Lone Star beer.  If I was that kid, I’d breast feed until I was at least 16 or 17.  Wishful thinking, I suppose. I was waiting for Little Ricki to bust out "Mommy, how many men did you sleep with after you stuck me on a plane and sent me home with my over-permissive nanny and the lowest ranking members of the Production crew?"  Perhaps that was edited out in the interest of brevity. 

Emily recaps her “relationships” with the guys and all of the stupid crap they did together.  Chris is wonderful and Jef has "an edge." An edge?  Right.  He looked really edgy in that powder blue sport coat with the suede elbow pads and skinny jeans. He's about as edgy as an oval.   We get some canned shots of Arie ignoring her rhinestone shorts and the “I love you,” as early as he can.  Solid plan.  Sean took time off from his Dolph Lundgren stunt double duties and continues being being beefy and sincere, albeit the most emotionally cautious of the bunch.   Emily tucks Little Ricki into her free bed in her free house and heads to the Charlotte airport for her free trip to Chicago. 

CHRIS IN CHICAGO

Emily arrives in Chicago to meet this season’s biggest cry baby, Chris.  He didn’t exactly do a lot to dispel Big Hug Doug’s assertion that he’s an immature pansy last week, did he?  The guy came on strong on date one and has ended up flatter than whatever the Polish word for pancake happens to be.  Emily pretends to look past that in her black coat, ivory scarf and red bell bottom jeans.  I think it was apparent from the first “I’m Polish, lower middle class, and still 25 years old,” that there’s no way she’s packing all of the free shit she owns and hightailing it to Chicago with her well-adjusted daughter for that.  His family seemed lovely, but that house is no giant ranch in Utah. 

Unfortunately for Chris the only pole she's interested in sure as hell doesn’t come from Warsaw and it sure as hell doesn't belong to Chris.   Incidentally, did you hear that they closed down the soccer stadium in Warsaw?  Apparently, the view from every seat was obstructed by a Pole (It’s good to be back).

Chris tells us that he doesn't like that "unsure feeling." Translation: I suffer from a desire to control everything.  He's also an admitted mama's boy.  We all knew this wasn’t a good fit.   Regardless, they head out to Chris's parents' house in the suburbs. John and Rose greet Emily along with Chris’ sisters, The Judgey Renee and the Passive Teresa.

They exchange pleasantries as Chris’ dad stares and Emily as the Polish words for "Smoking Hot" go through his head.  Dad doesn’t exactly give his only son a ringing endorsement when in response to Emily’s question about Chris being a father to Little Ricki, he responds, "He'll do his best.”

I'm pretty sure General Custer did his best with all of those Indians and we all know how that turned out. Come to think of it, the Poles did their best against the Germans in 1939 and that didn't turn out so well either.   Props to Emily for turning the Q&A around on dad.  That trick would also work on Arie’s hag of a mother later in the show. 

Chris tells us that his mom is "the best mom in the world." Uh, don't forget about Emily, Chucklehead.  Lucky for him, Emily was preoccupied with the Judgey Sister Renee when that little gem was uttered.  Sister Renee uses a fake smile but busts Emily's metaphorical balls giving her the "end it quickly" speech.  With all of the ABC hometown boxes checked on the production schedule, we head to the latticed patio for some traditional Polish music and dancing.  That part actually looked fun. 

My thoughts?  Look, Chris is a decent, educated guy even though he’s whiny and immature.  He’s apparently from a close, middle class, ethnic family that places a value on relationships and hard work.  That’s a pretty good start in life and it’s certainly more than a lot of people have.  He needs a few years to ripen and some nice Polish girl will enjoy heating up his Kielbasa for many years to come.  Emily is not Polish.  Next date.     

JEFF IN UTAH

I think I speak for all of you when I say.  HOLY SHIT.  That was certainly my reaction when I saw Jef’s little family get away in St. George, Utah.  “That should help his chances,” I thought. Yea, she's really not going to Chicago now. That was an incredibly smooth (and admirable) move keeping that little secret under wraps.  However, I think one of you sent me an article that Jef knows Michelle Money who knows Jef’s brother who knows some dude who sort of knew Emily who once saw Chris Harrison urinating in an Oklahoma City mens’ room in college who told Emily that the guy was loaded before the show.  You get the picture.  I’m sure Reality Stan or whatever that guy’s name is knows the story.  The point is that while I like to believe Emily had “no idea” that the family is loaded, my thought is that she did know.  Regardless, minus the haircut and the skinny jeans, I like Jef.  

They begin with a buggy ride through the brush before trying their aim at a trap shoot. Jef impresses Emily with his shotgun marksmanship and manages to work in the word "cock" with a straight face. She's not exactly dressed for shooting, but she does well.  Nice work, Jef.  They should have named that place “The Close the Deal Ranch.”   

Emily meets brother Steve, his wife and kids, and the remaining siblings, Mike, Melissa, and Julie but not the parents.  They are apparently off in South Carolina buying rustic furniture for their giant ranch house or something.  Emily sports her Mockingjay earrings a la Katniss Everdeen and it’s apparent that she’s a bit intimidated by the entire Mormon clan.   

After a lemonade toast, Big Brother Steve drops, if Jef "jumps into being a father," on Emily.  She needed to hear that, I just thought it was delivered a bit harshly.  Then again, why beat around the sagebrush?   Steve talks, and talks, and talks while looking at Emily as the Mormon words for "Smoking Hot" go through his head.

Emily has a sit down with Jef's sisters as they talk over each other and Emily does a wonderful job at being polite and not judging their stretch pants. She turns the table and asks the “is Jef ready” question.  Again, nice job on her part shifting the focus.  She’s obviously up on her job interview skills—ironically.  Jef's sister---the one that looks like Ashlee Simpson, not Miss Piggy--grills her some more before Emily diffuses the entire situation by scoring points with the kids.  Ovaries fire indiscriminately and estrogen soothes the women’s worries.  Emily is in. 

After running the gauntlet Emily appears relieved and Jef takes her up to his secret spot and reads her a bunch of stuff he made up on the plane. She buys it.  Huge.  He laid it on thick and kept laying it on and it worked.  She might as well have been a hungry catfish and that letter might as well have been a giant hook with stink bait on the end of it. Nice work, Jef. He totally deserves another "F."  Come to think of it, he might very well get “F’d” in the Fantasy Suite next week.  Annnyyyhoooo . . .

ARIE IN SCOTTSDALE

We all know that Emily is from NASCAR country so I wasn’t incredibly optimistic that Arie’s check out my F1 car stunt would carry as much weight as he hoped it would.  Then again, the last time Emily fell for a guy in a racing suit, she ended up knocked up. The car was a nice touch but let’s face it, it's not giant ranch in Utah. Still, she’s been into Arie since night one and she seemed comfortable exploring his pole position.  Emily wears red heels to the standard pre-warning about my bitchy mother picnic as Arie describes his parents as "so European."  Translation:  My dad is weird but harmless and my mother is possessive and rude. 

Arie takes a sufficiently scared Emily to meet his Dutch family. We meet Arie, Mieke, Luke, Alec, Mida.  The twins reminded me of Jeremy Irons’ characters in Dead Ringers and the Mom was dressed like Crystal Freaking Carrington. I looked extremely hard for wooden shoes and fanny packs, but it wasn’t clear if they were wearing either.  Wooden shoes are tradition in Holland and fanny packs, of course, were invented to promote Dutch tourism. 

We learn that Arie’ parents honeymooned in Charlotte before the entire family starts talking in Dutch. Emily was visibly—and understandably---uncomfortable considering that the closest she’s been to a bunch of foreigners talking about her in their native language is at the local nail salon close to her free house in Charlotte. 

Emily talks to mom who, oddly enough, looks like a 60 year old version of Emily minus a few nips, a lot of tucks, and a two pack a day habit.  There’s more pressure in that room than in a Dutch oven but Emily again makes a brilliant save by turning the spotlight on mom and getting her to talk about Arie.  Nice work.   Emily has a chat with Dad as he stares at her and the Dutch words for “smoking hot” bounce around in his head.   Arie drops, "Emily and I's relationship,” and I sighed into my Lone Star.  Unfortunately for him, the family is not a good fit for Emily and—most importantly—for Little Ricki.  It’s a damn good thing the ranch in Utah is still an option.   

SEAN IN DALLAS

Cut to a beefy Sean walking his dogs near White Rock Lake in Dallas.  Make those dogs Dobermans or German Shepherd and he might as well have been goose stepping around the Champs Elysee for crying out loud.  If Hitler was around today, he’d be rooting for this guy to win.  Incidentally, my college roommate--the infamous Lenny--lives 5 minutes from there.  I’ll have to inquire if he’s ever bumped into Sean’s biceps while attempting to jog around the lake. 

Emily arrives in cork wedges and a very patriotic dress and they pick wild flowers.  Sean gives her the I won't bang anyone until I’m married speech but I’m not sure that did anything to improve his chances.  After all, Emily can't exactly pretend to be a virgin. I suppose she could try, but he doesn't appear to be that dumb.

After the walk around the appropriately named “White Rock Lake,” we head to Colleyville—a classic Dallas suburb and we get a real taste of why Sean is, well, Sean. His lily white family anxiously awaits his arrival dressed like a bunch of Easter eggs. We meet the brother, Sherry, Jay, Shae, Andrew, and the very Dallasy-named children, Kensington and Smith. One of the little brats had a freaking cottage named after herself. That place was nicer than my college apartment for crying out loud. Emily drops the producer suggested word "perfect" a million times before falling for his pathetic I still live at home joke.  Whatever. 

Dad eventually talks to Sean about Emily as the words for "smoking hot" went through his head—probably in German. After a relatively vanilla meeting with the vanilla family, the producers spice things up a bit by having Sean run through the neighborhood to track down Emily’s limo in search of that one last kiss.  She drops a "honey" on him and I couldn’t help but notice that she never used pet names on the others.  That might be just enough to get past that ranch in Utah.

HARRISON IN LA.

Let me just say that I’m well aware of the accusations in the media this week that Harrison has a thing for Emily.  Let’s face it, a lot of men have a thing for Emily.  In fact, there are probably a lot of men who regularly play with their thing while thinking about Emily.  Despite his elevated television status, I don’t think Harrison is any different. Perhaps I’ll post on “why” toward the end of the season, but let me say that it’s far more than just the way she looks.  If you look at my first post this season, you’ll see that I noticed a bigger twinkle in Harrison’s eye.  I’m not sure if there’s something going on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.   

Emily meets with Harrison for the bookend recap of the hometowns. She's extremely empathetic. Empathy is not a quality that many people possess in spades.  With that ability comes the gift of being able to read people’s actions before they happen in addition to being able to enjoy their highs and experience their lows as if they hers.  It’s a gift and a curse.  Sympathy or compassion is one thing, but she clearly feels for the guy she's about to kick to the curb and I think that is one quality that makes her likable. After the powwow, she and Harrison exchange a very careful glance and a even more careful hug.  Hmmm.  She hightails it to the Rose Ceremony to dump the unsuspecting Pole.   

Rose Ceremony.

1. Arie

2. Jef

3. Sean

Gone.

1. Chris

Everyone but Chris saw that coming down Wacker Drive. The body language on the Limo Walk was brutal. Silence. She gives him the faster and deeper speech and does a great job of dealing with his semi-tantrum.  Next week we head to Curacao where Emily will undoubtedly give the guys a different version of the faster and deeper speech.  She’ll undoubtedly head to the doctor for her annual well-woman exam prior to boarding the plane for the Caribbean.  It’s doubtful her gynecologist will clear her for sex with three men in one week.  Let’s hope that her dentist doesn’t’ feel the same way.  I hope she brings those white shorts. 

It’s good to be back.  Thanks again for waiting.  I hope it was worth it.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime if you need me, I’ll be ranch shopping in Utah.    DP

55 comments:

  1. Well worth the wait. Welcome back, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for the recap! i missed you the last two weeks. also, wanted to let you know that jeremy irons didn't play two different characters in that movie. one was played by his twin brother jason irons. just an fyi...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anon, I'll admit when I'm wrong but I don't think I am. He played both. Perhaps imdb knows? Thanks for commenting! DP

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great as usual, D.P., back in great form. Welcome back. Especialmente LOL about Chris needing to find a nice Polish girl who will enjoy heating up his kielbasa. Do these gems just pop spontaneously out of your head? It's a gift. I'm trying to remember the Macedonian for smokin' hot (you that is).

    BTW did you get a chance to watch the Eastern European shows? There was a lot going on there to blog about. At any rate, I don't think Emily will be getting as intimate as M. Money or Chantel O. might have. Remember she wouldn't do it with Brad out of "respect" for Ricki. Maybe a lot of necking, though. Also, remember how she broke up with Brad partly because she was disturbed about all the necking and making out and sleeping around in the F Suite. I wonder what you think in that regard, DP...

    M Hussy

    P.S. When I was in needi of a dose of your rapier wit, I caught up on many of your pre-Ashley blogs, and it was great entertainment, and I loved your great off-season works. It is great learning more about you, and you are so generous and honest.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Glad you're back! Didn't realize how much I enjoy this blog and how much reading it has become part of my routine until it was GONE for 2 weeks! Thanks for the giggles! Liz

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nice blog. "The [insert Polish, Mormon, Dutxh, or German] word for smoking hot"'lines cracked me up :) jef's parents are actually serving as mission presidents in south Carolina. It's a three year (unpaid) gig where you are not only running a well oiled machine, but being both father and mother to hundreds of 19-year olds away from their families for two years. I think that kind of philanthropic work is goingto appeal to Emily as well. I think she picks Jef. The ranch, shooting, and live letter sealed the deal. Notice how he is the only one to talk about Ricki so much? Emily's eyes light up 10 notches brighter when he does! Nice recap! Welcome back!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Welcome back! You were missed but this was worth the wait. Does your Special Friend help you with the blogs now - I love the references to her shoes and dress! Do you really know what cork wedges are!? And maybe Anon is thinking of another movie and Jason and Jeremy London! ;0) Definitely not Jeremy Irons!

    jmaybes in Denver

    ReplyDelete
  8. "If Hitler was around today, he’d be rooting for this guy to win." That is definitely my favorite quote from this excellent recap. Sean seems like such a great guy, but he is just so boring! Loved his family, though.

    At this point, it seems like Jef is the one. Emily actually acts her age with him -- she was downright giddy during parts of their date last night. It's nice to see the less-maternal side of her come through.

    I'm convinced that there will be an unconventional ending, as there have been no preview shots of the final rose ceremony. Should be interesting!

    Glad to have you back, DP! You were missed. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Welcome back…we missed you more than you know! It was definitely worth the wait.

    Funniest line to me this week was the description of how Jef knows Michelle Money. I also liked the smoking hot lines especially the Mormon one. You are – in a word – awesome!

    I hope that things settle down for you soon and that you have a great 4th.

    Denise in Alabama

    ReplyDelete
  10. m hussy, "necking?" Come on. You haven't been shy about letting your age be known and I applaud you for that, but "necking?" You know who was the last couple to "neck?" George Washington and his prom date. I enjoy your comments but had to call you out on the antiquated nomenclature. Try "making out," "sucking face," or "yodelling in the canyon" next time. Thanks, as always! DP

    ReplyDelete
  11. Still laughin' at "he's as edgy as an oval" Missed you. So glad you're back!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The more I see, the more I think the 'big' surprise will be Chris Harrison! In fact I posted about that rumor awhile ago. Nice to see that you're starting to coming around to the same conclusion! Can't see any of the final 3 with Emily anymore.
    B in NY

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great to have you back, DP. Excellent work this week, with many great lines, and it was timely, too!

    I especially like your more subtle comments (in some respects) such as the one near the end about Emily's dentist clearing her for next week's activities. I think you're guilty of premature conjecture, because Emily does not seem ready to go down such a slippery slope.

    Anywhoooo, I predicted Chris Harrison before the season started based on his separation; Sean before the show began based on his photo; and Arie after the first week based on their obvious chemistry. This probably means she picks Jef! Or maybe none of the above, because she can't bring herself to hurt guys she really seems to care for. (Sorry to end with a preposition.) Happy Fourth to one and all!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well worth the wait!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Worth it! Laughed at the pole jokes and Jef deserves another "f". Classic irony about Emily having job interview skills. Thanks for taking the time to give us some laughs and insight and a much needed respite from the monotony, I mean, life. :)
    ~Cariss

    ReplyDelete
  16. Come on, Cariss. Your life can't be that boring. You always pick up on the more subtle humor in addition to being a big fan of the overtly dirty jokes. Anyone with that ability has to be interesting. By the way, I searced in vain for that little squiggly symbol thing you put in front of your name. Nice touch. DP

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm going to go ahead and declare this one of the bachelor(ette)'s best seasons for one reason - they are allowing Emily to dish it out Real-style. I'm always surprised that she says the things that we're all saying at home on the couch (ie. Jeff in skinny jeans shooting perfect skeet = awesome). i've come to really appreciate the breath of fresh air that she is for this show. as for the harrison thing, that would be the best.twist.ever. :)
    woot woot!
    lisa in colorado
    oh, also noticed that they used a voice over when jeff was talking about his parents doing 'volunteer work' which probably replaced 'mission work' - wonder why they think they have to keep the very obviously Mormon thing on the down-low. oh, and my husband asked to be euthanized after jef's note almost made him mist up. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  18. DP, so nice to have you back. I knew it would be worth the wait and you didn't disappoint. Loved all the pole jokes, your sense of humor never fails to make me crack up.
    One of my favorite lines was this: "If Hitler was around today, he’d be rooting for this guy to win." Solid.
    I'll be out of the country on vacation next week but will try to check your blog next Tuesday from far away. I have a feeling the fantasy dates will give you plenty of material.

    ReplyDelete
  19. So glad you're back!

    My two laugh out loud quotes from this week:

    "He totally deserves another "F." Come to think of it, he might very well get “F’d” in the Fantasy Suite next week."

    "Emily was visibly—and understandably---uncomfortable considering that the closest she’s been to a bunch of foreigners talking about her in their native language is at the local nail salon close to her free house in Charlotte."


    Roz would be SERIOUSLY calling a lawyer if Harrison ends up hooking up with Emily!! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow George Washington and his prom date haha. I'm beginning to enjoy the comments almost as much as the blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  21. Jackie in HoustonJuly 3, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    Love the recap. I'm actually in Holland now and didn't see the show yet. American tv shows can't be broadcast here ( i tried via abc.com and hulu!) so will have to wait until i get back to see it. I was dying to know what happened, though.
    Funny Holland/Dutch jokes. I'll try to get you some photos of people walking around in wooden shoes and fanny packs - though I have yet to see any. :)
    Glad you're 'back' and hope you had a good move.
    Jackie in Houston (Susie B's friend)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Welcome back DP! Missed your sarcastic take on things. All the pole jokes were cracking me up- how you come up with so many takes on the same theme is truly a gift .
    I grew up in Dallas and White Rock Lake was the place way back when where we would go and watch the planes coming in for a landing at Love Field. The area really took a nose dive so I was surprised to see Sean walking his dogs there when there are lots of parks in the Colleyville neighborhood-perhaps Sean likes to live on the wild side from time to time. Jef's ranch! Whoa! Blew me away. Chris never had a chance and Arie might still be a front runner but Miss Emily might surprise us yet again as she has done all season so no telling how this story ends.

    Sal in Utah

    ReplyDelete
  23. DP, re: your reprimand, (may as well even be more of a stupid dolt by admitting to never hearing of "yodeling in the canyon" until your post), I think Emily might be very restrictive for Ricki's sake )so I chose that old word for fun but now see you are not joking with me at all. Yes, in retrospect it sounds too awfully retro from another reader's POV but back in high school, necking at the A&W Drive In or in the toolies overlooking Tucson, necking was at least "sucking face." I admire you for reading all comments and feel kind of stupid right now but have a happy and safe 4th. Macedonian Hussy

    ReplyDelete
  24. Well worth the wait, and all the more enjoyable with the power back on here in MD! Your line about "the twins" looking like the brothers played by Jeremy Irons in "Dead Ringers" was the first of many laugh out loud moments (and yes, DP, you are correct - he did play both roles, which really upped the creepiness factor in this already "unsettling" pyschological thriller)...Spot on also re: reaction to Jef's family "ranch" (The "Holmstead")...I thought that we'd taken a detour for a trip to the Grand Canyon!

    Welcome Back!

    Neddamk

    ReplyDelete
  25. "He's about as edgy as an oval."

    I turned to my roommate and said THIS EXACT THING at the beginning of last night's episode. Whoa.

    Welcome back!

    ReplyDelete
  26. as edgy as an oval - LOL!!!

    even though jef still seems like such a little boy, she seems to be the most comfortable and "real" around him. and of course the "holmstead" doesn't hurt for his chances.

    def don't think arie is going to be the one. his racing lifestyle is going to leave her alone too much and she's looking for someone to have around and grow with. oh, and i loved your comparison of his mom to crystal carrington - hilarious!! obviously dating myself, but that was funny! she was awesome in her time.

    things are about to get crazy! no shots of fantasy suite or final rose ceremony. by this point they have definitely shown the helicopter flying around with the bachelor/bachelorette standing at the proposal spot. but not with miss em. she totally runs this show. great season!

    glad you're back! hope you and the lady friend have settled in to your new home. if not, helping people get organized after a move, or keeping their lives in order on a regular basis, is what i do for a living :-) i'm in san francisco, but available on a project basis for outside the area!

    ~princi (obviously not what my clients call me - lol!)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Welcome Back! Great work! Happy 4th!!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thank goodness you're back!!! Loved the recap, as usual, and as always, totally worth waiting for. These last two weeks without your colorful insight has been as difficult as it was for Ryan to accept that Emily was giving him the boot! :)

    As a huge fan of One-F Jef, let me just say that I can't possibly be the only one that notices how he ALWAYS talks to Emily about Ricki and not in the abstract way like the rest of the guys. He is always talking to her about how he would be involved in her life and how excited he is to meet her. BIG brownie points for that, I'm sure. And I agree that she seems to be more relaxed and "real" when she's around Jef. And I'm pretty sure "The Close the Deal Ranch" didn't hurt either. :) Fingers crossed for One-F to be the last man standing!!!

    Glad you're back, DP. It's just not the same without you.....

    ~Rose in OC

    ReplyDelete
  29. Mary, good to see you here! I'll be checking your blog for pics of your 4th of July event. I know you've got one planned. Call me when you head south to Austin. DP

    ReplyDelete
  30. Nicely done old man. "Reality Stan"? Lol. Good stuff. I prefer Reality Dweeb, but to each their own. Good to see you back on the beat.

    ReplyDelete
  31. DP, you are sorely missed and your return is welcomed! There is nothing like a well turned phrase, an allusion that requires thought, and cultural references that illuminate. So - I know, riiiiiiiight? I hope someone carried some pashminas or outright blankets for you if needed, or maybe those ice towels that you drape around your neck to keep cool. Either - riiiiiiiight?

    ReplyDelete
  32. hahahahaha well worth the wait of course! Been reading your blog for the last few seasons and it never disappoints! You have quite a talent sir!

    -Rachel in Fort Worth

    ReplyDelete
  33. @DP,
    I am a Pole, and I thought that your Polish jokes throughout the Chris's part of the recap were hilarious. I read your blog every week because I find you generally very funny and on the same witticism wave length.
    But I need to let you know, that to me as a Pole, your comment about the German invasion in 1939, and Polish defense, felt calous and disrespectful. I understand where you were trying to go with it, but still in a case of such horrible national tragedy, such huge national sacrifice as happened then, that attempt at humor fell flat. Though so much time has passed, this subject still remains extremely sensitive to Polish psyche, causing two disparate sentiments. On one hand as the people we are extremely and justifiably proud of our unvanquishable national spirit, devotion to freedom and acceptance of any sacrifice in service of that freedom and the fight for it. On the other, we will remain eternally saddened that OUR BEST (due to the geo-political situation in Europe and economical and military situation in Poland) was not enough to prevent that insane wacko monster from almost destroying half the world.
    That mental and emotional schizm is transferred, with the mothers' milk, from generation to generation. Although I am certain that there was no cruel intent or attempt at humiliation, still I wish you'd understand why your comment was insensitive and uncalled for. Your sense of humor, intelligence and ready wit clearly are much more appreciated and spotlight worthy than any low blows and cheap shots.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Pole, I obviously struck a chord. For the record, that was more of a statement about the Germans than it was the Poles. This blog is no stranger to WWII jokes but those are usually directed at the French, which apparently is not a source of frustration for you. General Custer's progeny and the American Indians are obviously not either. I appreciate your comment; however, and I appreciate more the fact that you read my blog every week. For the record, I usually get an email or two regarding what I write here and I've been accused of being homophobic, misogynistic, racist, narrow minded, gay, and a host of other things. I don't try to solve everyone's issues here nor do I try to create any. I just write--ergo the name "Think-It". As flippant as I can be on the screen, this blog is always written with its context in mind. I'm commenting on a reality show--not geopolitical issues that originated decades ago. If that were the case, I'd have a different voice, which is apparent in all of my off season posts. Again, thanks for reading. I hope there was still a smile on your face when you hit the "send" button on your comment. DP

    ReplyDelete
  35. @ Some Guy - It's nice to see that you finally realized that Jef is money. If you check back and look at comments after episode 4 you will see that I picked Jef early on while others chided and mocked me. You made comments about his hair, skinny jeans and Rick Ashely looks, but I stayed true to my beliefs....and well, here we are. I also don't think your boy Harrison has a chance. Our favorite former Oklahoma City sports reporter can't measure up to what Jef is able offer. I think that Harrison is a master at playing the concerned big brother/cry on my shoulder/girls's best friend. But when it comes to sweeping a 26 year old girl off her feet not even his rich Dallas roots can help this over-the-hill snake oil salesman land a woman 15 years younger. After all....he's no Womack.

    MH

    ReplyDelete
  36. Whatever gets you through the day, MH. Whatever gets you through the day. Oh, and if you think that Harrison's fat salary and virtually unlimited access to celebrity is not enough to win over most women--no matter how young or old--then you need to have your head checked. I'll give you credit for Jef. Happy? DP

    ReplyDelete
  37. DP - You act like Harrison is the next Johnny Carson. I would imagine that his gig as host of The Bachelor puts him somewhere between game show host and a spokesman for The Home Shopping Network. As far as unlimited access to celebrity, I think that you're grasping at straws. I would not exactly rubbing shoulders with all of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad contestants a celebrity connection. Unless "Hollywood" Harrison can muster more than 10 minutes of spotlight per episode on the Bachelor, I don't think we have to worry about him bumping Jay Leno from the Tonight Show anytime soon. I think that Womack has logged more camera time than Harrison and he hardly had to try. As far as Emily goes, Harrison just does not have the skills or the resume.

    MH

    ReplyDelete
  38. Guys, guys, please. Take those itchy shirts off and settle this like men.

    ReplyDelete
  39. worth the wait! LASS

    ReplyDelete
  40. DP~
    I do not think the Fantasy Suite Dates will meet your expectations. I hope (for all the mom's out here) that Emily declines all the over night stays. Great recap as always. Kim NV

    ReplyDelete
  41. Did anyone else notice the lockbox on the front door of the Utah cabin when one F and his bro were sitting on the porch having their brotherly chat?

    ReplyDelete
  42. yay you are back!!!! Crystal Carrington!!! yes that is it I couldn't think of who she looked like and you hit it on the head! how do you think of these things...brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Just had to reread the recap. Amazing journey!Lass

    ReplyDelete
  44. DP, don’t you think it’s a little cynical to say that most women would be won over by money and celebrity? Maybe I’m being naïve or I’m really different but neither of those things is important. I know there are women like that, including Emily (still love her though); I just don’t believe they are the majority. I think most women would rather have a man who is sincere, honest, kind-hearted and loyal over a rich guy with ties to Hollywood which produces very few men with those qualities. Just my thoughts and not meant to start anything.

    MH, I agree with you about Jef. He’s my favorite too and I would pick him over all the guys she had. I felt that way before we saw his family’s ranch. Jef is the only guy who is specific about what his relationship with Ricki would be like. I think he would be the best choice for her, so he’ll probably go home next week.

    Denise in Alabama

    ReplyDelete
  45. Denise, no, I'm not that cynical. I was trying to make the point that Harrison wont have any shortage of interested ladies. I agree with you however. Also, I think Arie might be the next one gone. We shall see. DP

    ReplyDelete
  46. I agree that Arie is the next one gone. She's starting to realize that he is, fairly literally, "stupid hot." They have huge chemistry physically but not so much otherwise, and I think that semi-awkward hometown date didn't help any.

    In Emily's head, Sean ticks off a lot of the boxes, but he's not really doing it for her otherwise. She wants to be attracted to him, but she's not.

    Jef is the whole package - smart, sweet, funny, capable. I think the final two will be Sean and Jef, and she will pick Jef. I hope so anyway! And do NOT make Sean the next bachelor. He'd be even more boring than Mesnick, and that's going some.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Got it and I agree; Harrison will be fine. I hope that Arie is the next one to go. Her attraction to him is so strong that she could overlook qualities that he's missing. I hope not. I don't see what she does, he is not attractive to me in any way.

    Denise in Alabama

    ReplyDelete
  48. Thanks Denise. As in most cases, I agree with you completely.....Most women would not be won over by money and celebrity(especially the kind that Harrison generates), Jef is the man and Arie is not attractive at all. All great observations. On another note, I should probably pick my battles with DP more carefully and tread lightly when it comes to insulting our host with the most. I obviously struck a chord and realize now that DP has developed a certain level of affection for Harrison that borders somewhere between deep admiration and a semi man-crush. I will try and refrain from making any disparaging remarks about CH in the near future or at least the rest of this season. Regardless, those comments come from a good place. I honestly believe that Some Guy would be a better host and is my choice for Harrison's replacment should the powers that be ever decide to remove CH from his position as host.

    MH

    ReplyDelete
  49. Where are Derek and the boys???

    ReplyDelete
  50. If considered the other way - from the MAN's point of view, or his family's - whaaaaaaat? Emily's upbringing, though decidedly not on the wrong side of the tracks - in the best of circumstances, is not Mormon. The question is not so much 'Does she pick Jef?' as it is - will Jef's family really pick her? Arie's family let it be known pretty quickly that they were having none of it with the whole Dutch conversation over her head - and poor Sean had his dad trying to sell some insurance or be an elder at the church, take your pick. Polish - not so muchish. But really, are Emily and Little R going to hike out to Utah - no matter how money the ranch is - and make a home amongst the Mormon patriarchy? Jef may be living on the edge right now, but with a family tree that goes back through the book of mormon, the question has to be - could she actually make it in that world - and how will the Hendricks react to Little Ricki Ticki donning the garments? I know - right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ann, I'm an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (also known as the Mormon church), and also a woman living in Utah, and I want to set the record straight on a couple of things. I don't know exactly what you mean by "Mormon patriarchy" or Ricki "donning the garments," but the way some of your statement are worded represents a misunderstanding of our religious beliefs that is both derogatory and hurtful. Please be careful what you say about someone's religious beliefs (even in a reality TV show blog), and get to know a few of us.

      For the record, I don't see Jef's family as shunning Emily or Ricki due to differences in belief. Most people I know around here (including me) have family members who aren't actively living the LDS/Mormon religion. It's something that many of us are used to dealing with, and we believe that everyone has to be free to choose whether they will live the tenets of our faith. Granted, I'm guessing Emily would have some culture shock moving to Utah (I know I did when I moved here from the east coast - and I was LDS/Mormon before I came). There are definitely some cultural "blind spots" that come from having so many people with common beliefs concentrated in one area, and that may in the long run become a bit of a sticking point between Emily and Jef if she chooses him. But Jef's family wouldn't just disassociate with her or her daughter if she didn't convert to Mormonism, and it wouldn't be forced on them. That would be wrong.

      MW

      Delete
  51. Geez, why's everybody hating on CH? Except for this season, he's usually the best character on the show. I thought everyone liked him.

    ReplyDelete
  52. "Emily and I's relationship"

    THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES. ASDSDFGHJKL:ASDFSDHGJKL:KASFDHDGJKL:!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete