Emily Bachelorette Episode 8: DP Returns

Hello, Readers.  I’m certain that those of you who are left are wondering if I’ve chosen to divorce Tom Cruise and go into hiding for the past 3 weeks.  I won’t belabor my absence or the incredible feeling of regret that’s been sticking to me like Ryan’s undersized Euro undershirt since I last posted.  Just know that this blog is the source of much joy in my life and missing it—in a word—sucks huge balls. 

Crude analogies aside, DP is back.  This week’s plan is to recap primarily Episode 8 and add sprinklings of my thoughts from Episodes 6 and 7.  All kidding aside, I’m glad to be back.  Thank you for hanging in there with me.  Now, with the Amazing count at 63 the Journey count at 12, let’s (finally) get to it. 

It’s Hometown Week—or as I like to refer to it, Runner Up in the I Get to Bang Emily Next Week Contest Week.  Arie, Chris, Jef, and Sean remain.  “Great,” I thought, “a Dutch guy, a Polish guy, a Mormon, and an Aryan from Dallas.  Little Ricki will be thrilled.”  As always, before we start jumping on planes in search of overbearing moms, judgey sisters, and adequately concerned older brothers, we have to recap Emily’s arduous path through the forest to the doorstep of love and happiness with either a Dutch guy, a Polish guy, a Mormon, or an Aryan from Dallas. 

Back in Charlotte Emily hits the limo in her least terrifying skull shirt and comes home to her free house to see Little Ricki who apparently supervised while ABC interns created a big “Welcome Home” sign.   She's “regrouping and reminding herself what's important.”  Granted, a child is the perfect person to “regroup and remind” with, but we get it:  She’s a mom and she cares about her daughter.  These segments, while authentic, are boring.

Emily asks Little Ricki, "want to sleep in my bed tonight," to which I replied with a resounding "Hell yes," while taking a hearty pull off a freshly cracked Lone Star beer.  If I was that kid, I’d breast feed until I was at least 16 or 17.  Wishful thinking, I suppose. I was waiting for Little Ricki to bust out "Mommy, how many men did you sleep with after you stuck me on a plane and sent me home with my over-permissive nanny and the lowest ranking members of the Production crew?"  Perhaps that was edited out in the interest of brevity. 

Emily recaps her “relationships” with the guys and all of the stupid crap they did together.  Chris is wonderful and Jef has "an edge." An edge?  Right.  He looked really edgy in that powder blue sport coat with the suede elbow pads and skinny jeans. He's about as edgy as an oval.   We get some canned shots of Arie ignoring her rhinestone shorts and the “I love you,” as early as he can.  Solid plan.  Sean took time off from his Dolph Lundgren stunt double duties and continues being being beefy and sincere, albeit the most emotionally cautious of the bunch.   Emily tucks Little Ricki into her free bed in her free house and heads to the Charlotte airport for her free trip to Chicago. 

CHRIS IN CHICAGO

Emily arrives in Chicago to meet this season’s biggest cry baby, Chris.  He didn’t exactly do a lot to dispel Big Hug Doug’s assertion that he’s an immature pansy last week, did he?  The guy came on strong on date one and has ended up flatter than whatever the Polish word for pancake happens to be.  Emily pretends to look past that in her black coat, ivory scarf and red bell bottom jeans.  I think it was apparent from the first “I’m Polish, lower middle class, and still 25 years old,” that there’s no way she’s packing all of the free shit she owns and hightailing it to Chicago with her well-adjusted daughter for that.  His family seemed lovely, but that house is no giant ranch in Utah. 

Unfortunately for Chris the only pole she's interested in sure as hell doesn’t come from Warsaw and it sure as hell doesn't belong to Chris.   Incidentally, did you hear that they closed down the soccer stadium in Warsaw?  Apparently, the view from every seat was obstructed by a Pole (It’s good to be back).

Chris tells us that he doesn't like that "unsure feeling." Translation: I suffer from a desire to control everything.  He's also an admitted mama's boy.  We all knew this wasn’t a good fit.   Regardless, they head out to Chris's parents' house in the suburbs. John and Rose greet Emily along with Chris’ sisters, The Judgey Renee and the Passive Teresa.

They exchange pleasantries as Chris’ dad stares and Emily as the Polish words for "Smoking Hot" go through his head.  Dad doesn’t exactly give his only son a ringing endorsement when in response to Emily’s question about Chris being a father to Little Ricki, he responds, "He'll do his best.”

I'm pretty sure General Custer did his best with all of those Indians and we all know how that turned out. Come to think of it, the Poles did their best against the Germans in 1939 and that didn't turn out so well either.   Props to Emily for turning the Q&A around on dad.  That trick would also work on Arie’s hag of a mother later in the show. 

Chris tells us that his mom is "the best mom in the world." Uh, don't forget about Emily, Chucklehead.  Lucky for him, Emily was preoccupied with the Judgey Sister Renee when that little gem was uttered.  Sister Renee uses a fake smile but busts Emily's metaphorical balls giving her the "end it quickly" speech.  With all of the ABC hometown boxes checked on the production schedule, we head to the latticed patio for some traditional Polish music and dancing.  That part actually looked fun. 

My thoughts?  Look, Chris is a decent, educated guy even though he’s whiny and immature.  He’s apparently from a close, middle class, ethnic family that places a value on relationships and hard work.  That’s a pretty good start in life and it’s certainly more than a lot of people have.  He needs a few years to ripen and some nice Polish girl will enjoy heating up his Kielbasa for many years to come.  Emily is not Polish.  Next date.     

JEFF IN UTAH

I think I speak for all of you when I say.  HOLY SHIT.  That was certainly my reaction when I saw Jef’s little family get away in St. George, Utah.  “That should help his chances,” I thought. Yea, she's really not going to Chicago now. That was an incredibly smooth (and admirable) move keeping that little secret under wraps.  However, I think one of you sent me an article that Jef knows Michelle Money who knows Jef’s brother who knows some dude who sort of knew Emily who once saw Chris Harrison urinating in an Oklahoma City mens’ room in college who told Emily that the guy was loaded before the show.  You get the picture.  I’m sure Reality Stan or whatever that guy’s name is knows the story.  The point is that while I like to believe Emily had “no idea” that the family is loaded, my thought is that she did know.  Regardless, minus the haircut and the skinny jeans, I like Jef.  

They begin with a buggy ride through the brush before trying their aim at a trap shoot. Jef impresses Emily with his shotgun marksmanship and manages to work in the word "cock" with a straight face. She's not exactly dressed for shooting, but she does well.  Nice work, Jef.  They should have named that place “The Close the Deal Ranch.”   

Emily meets brother Steve, his wife and kids, and the remaining siblings, Mike, Melissa, and Julie but not the parents.  They are apparently off in South Carolina buying rustic furniture for their giant ranch house or something.  Emily sports her Mockingjay earrings a la Katniss Everdeen and it’s apparent that she’s a bit intimidated by the entire Mormon clan.   

After a lemonade toast, Big Brother Steve drops, if Jef "jumps into being a father," on Emily.  She needed to hear that, I just thought it was delivered a bit harshly.  Then again, why beat around the sagebrush?   Steve talks, and talks, and talks while looking at Emily as the Mormon words for "Smoking Hot" go through his head.

Emily has a sit down with Jef's sisters as they talk over each other and Emily does a wonderful job at being polite and not judging their stretch pants. She turns the table and asks the “is Jef ready” question.  Again, nice job on her part shifting the focus.  She’s obviously up on her job interview skills—ironically.  Jef's sister---the one that looks like Ashlee Simpson, not Miss Piggy--grills her some more before Emily diffuses the entire situation by scoring points with the kids.  Ovaries fire indiscriminately and estrogen soothes the women’s worries.  Emily is in. 

After running the gauntlet Emily appears relieved and Jef takes her up to his secret spot and reads her a bunch of stuff he made up on the plane. She buys it.  Huge.  He laid it on thick and kept laying it on and it worked.  She might as well have been a hungry catfish and that letter might as well have been a giant hook with stink bait on the end of it. Nice work, Jef. He totally deserves another "F."  Come to think of it, he might very well get “F’d” in the Fantasy Suite next week.  Annnyyyhoooo . . .

ARIE IN SCOTTSDALE

We all know that Emily is from NASCAR country so I wasn’t incredibly optimistic that Arie’s check out my F1 car stunt would carry as much weight as he hoped it would.  Then again, the last time Emily fell for a guy in a racing suit, she ended up knocked up. The car was a nice touch but let’s face it, it's not giant ranch in Utah. Still, she’s been into Arie since night one and she seemed comfortable exploring his pole position.  Emily wears red heels to the standard pre-warning about my bitchy mother picnic as Arie describes his parents as "so European."  Translation:  My dad is weird but harmless and my mother is possessive and rude. 

Arie takes a sufficiently scared Emily to meet his Dutch family. We meet Arie, Mieke, Luke, Alec, Mida.  The twins reminded me of Jeremy Irons’ characters in Dead Ringers and the Mom was dressed like Crystal Freaking Carrington. I looked extremely hard for wooden shoes and fanny packs, but it wasn’t clear if they were wearing either.  Wooden shoes are tradition in Holland and fanny packs, of course, were invented to promote Dutch tourism. 

We learn that Arie’ parents honeymooned in Charlotte before the entire family starts talking in Dutch. Emily was visibly—and understandably---uncomfortable considering that the closest she’s been to a bunch of foreigners talking about her in their native language is at the local nail salon close to her free house in Charlotte. 

Emily talks to mom who, oddly enough, looks like a 60 year old version of Emily minus a few nips, a lot of tucks, and a two pack a day habit.  There’s more pressure in that room than in a Dutch oven but Emily again makes a brilliant save by turning the spotlight on mom and getting her to talk about Arie.  Nice work.   Emily has a chat with Dad as he stares at her and the Dutch words for “smoking hot” bounce around in his head.   Arie drops, "Emily and I's relationship,” and I sighed into my Lone Star.  Unfortunately for him, the family is not a good fit for Emily and—most importantly—for Little Ricki.  It’s a damn good thing the ranch in Utah is still an option.   

SEAN IN DALLAS

Cut to a beefy Sean walking his dogs near White Rock Lake in Dallas.  Make those dogs Dobermans or German Shepherd and he might as well have been goose stepping around the Champs Elysee for crying out loud.  If Hitler was around today, he’d be rooting for this guy to win.  Incidentally, my college roommate--the infamous Lenny--lives 5 minutes from there.  I’ll have to inquire if he’s ever bumped into Sean’s biceps while attempting to jog around the lake. 

Emily arrives in cork wedges and a very patriotic dress and they pick wild flowers.  Sean gives her the I won't bang anyone until I’m married speech but I’m not sure that did anything to improve his chances.  After all, Emily can't exactly pretend to be a virgin. I suppose she could try, but he doesn't appear to be that dumb.

After the walk around the appropriately named “White Rock Lake,” we head to Colleyville—a classic Dallas suburb and we get a real taste of why Sean is, well, Sean. His lily white family anxiously awaits his arrival dressed like a bunch of Easter eggs. We meet the brother, Sherry, Jay, Shae, Andrew, and the very Dallasy-named children, Kensington and Smith. One of the little brats had a freaking cottage named after herself. That place was nicer than my college apartment for crying out loud. Emily drops the producer suggested word "perfect" a million times before falling for his pathetic I still live at home joke.  Whatever. 

Dad eventually talks to Sean about Emily as the words for "smoking hot" went through his head—probably in German. After a relatively vanilla meeting with the vanilla family, the producers spice things up a bit by having Sean run through the neighborhood to track down Emily’s limo in search of that one last kiss.  She drops a "honey" on him and I couldn’t help but notice that she never used pet names on the others.  That might be just enough to get past that ranch in Utah.

HARRISON IN LA.

Let me just say that I’m well aware of the accusations in the media this week that Harrison has a thing for Emily.  Let’s face it, a lot of men have a thing for Emily.  In fact, there are probably a lot of men who regularly play with their thing while thinking about Emily.  Despite his elevated television status, I don’t think Harrison is any different. Perhaps I’ll post on “why” toward the end of the season, but let me say that it’s far more than just the way she looks.  If you look at my first post this season, you’ll see that I noticed a bigger twinkle in Harrison’s eye.  I’m not sure if there’s something going on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.   

Emily meets with Harrison for the bookend recap of the hometowns. She's extremely empathetic. Empathy is not a quality that many people possess in spades.  With that ability comes the gift of being able to read people’s actions before they happen in addition to being able to enjoy their highs and experience their lows as if they hers.  It’s a gift and a curse.  Sympathy or compassion is one thing, but she clearly feels for the guy she's about to kick to the curb and I think that is one quality that makes her likable. After the powwow, she and Harrison exchange a very careful glance and a even more careful hug.  Hmmm.  She hightails it to the Rose Ceremony to dump the unsuspecting Pole.   

Rose Ceremony.

1. Arie

2. Jef

3. Sean

Gone.

1. Chris

Everyone but Chris saw that coming down Wacker Drive. The body language on the Limo Walk was brutal. Silence. She gives him the faster and deeper speech and does a great job of dealing with his semi-tantrum.  Next week we head to Curacao where Emily will undoubtedly give the guys a different version of the faster and deeper speech.  She’ll undoubtedly head to the doctor for her annual well-woman exam prior to boarding the plane for the Caribbean.  It’s doubtful her gynecologist will clear her for sex with three men in one week.  Let’s hope that her dentist doesn’t’ feel the same way.  I hope she brings those white shorts. 

It’s good to be back.  Thanks again for waiting.  I hope it was worth it.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime if you need me, I’ll be ranch shopping in Utah.    DP