Bachelorette Emily Episode 9: Fantasy About the Fantasy Dates

Hello, Readers.  Yes, it’s Some Guy.  You’re not hallucinating.  This is not some desert mirage cruelly taunting your thirst for humor from afar.  I’m actually on time this week. 

(Here comes the however)

HOWEVER, this post is going to be 100% unique.  It’s going to be a rare test of my creative muscles.  Why?  If you Google “Austin, Texas weather” you’ll notice that we had a rare summer occurrence last night.  I believe it’s what is called “rain.”  The storm moved aggressively through the Hill Country and into Austin right at 6:50 p.m. just as Some Guy was popping a Lone Star Beer and settling into my favorite chair to watch Emily skip around in her bikini for two hours.  And then fate intervened. 

My power went out at 7:03 p.m.  Rather than sit in the dark and wonder, I chose to take my Special Lady Friend to dinner and return to watch the show, which I was certain was recording due to the back up power on my DVR cable thingy that is supposed to preserve all of my settings in the event of a power outage.  The sharp ones in the bunch see where I’m going with this. 

When the Special Lady Friend and I returned home around 8:45 p.m after a lovely repast of authentic Italian food and wine, I turned on the television to find an error message letting me know that “the signal was lost”.  After repeating my favorite expletive a few times---the one that rhymes with “duck”—I quickly turned to ABC and caught just the last 12 minutes of the show.  Now, in the hands of a lesser blogger, that would be a problem.  Have no fear.  Some Guy in Austin is here. 

In light of my complete lack of desire to sit in front of my computer screen and watch the show on Hulu, I’ve chosen to fantasize about the Fantasy Suite and walk you through what I believe happened.  Of course, I’m aware that Beefy yet Boring Sean drew the black bean from the hat last night, but that’s literally all I know.  Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to confess that I sent Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray an email telling her what happened and she threw gasoline on the wildfire by letting me know that Emily ran around in a bikini for most of the episode.  As you might imagine, I’ll be using that piece of information liberally throughout my post.  Let’s get to it.

DP’s Version of Fantasy Week

We begin with a shot of the soon-to-be single Chris Harrison passed out in a hammock between two palm trees near the ocean in Curacao with a bottle of rum in one hand and an extinguished blunt in the other.  We see an intern’s hand gently shake him.  “Mr. Harrison, it’s time to film your opening spot with the men.  They’re waiting for you in v-necks in front of the most prominent landmark in town.  Jef refused to wear shorts and is still in skinny jeans.” 

Harrison comes to and turns toward the camera showing us a few days worth of stubble and bloodshot eyes.  “Tell them it’s Try to Get Laid Week.  Bring me a Bloody Mary, a shot of scotch, three aspirin, and one of those silky eye cover things from the hotel room and find me an hour before my sit down with Emily.  Oh, and tell that pu**y Fleiss to pay off my tab at the swim up bar and be sure to head to Neil Lane’s suite and check his airway to make sure he hasn’t choked to death on his own vomit.  Things got a little hairy last night.” 

We cut to a shot of a softly lit Emily strolling contemplatively in her white shorts on the white sandy beach . . . topless.  Her voice over tells us that she’s heavy hearted because she knows that one of the three men who have been flown to this tropical paradise will go home heartbroken.  Tears gather in the corners of her deep brown eyes as she takes a moment to slowly and very thoroughly cover herself in sunblock.

After all, a person goes topless to prevent tan lines and the only thing less attractive than tan lines is a deep sunburn.  She has several strapless gowns to wear this week and she has to look her best for her suitors.  She’s likely to find herself in a situation where she has to use her hooters in the next few days and God forbid she allows the relentless Caribbean sun to harm them. 

Now adequately protected from the danger of ultra-violet radiation, Emily returns to her room where she ditches the white shorts in favor of bikini bottoms, grabs her iPad, and heads to her ocean-facing balcony to soak up as much Vitamin D as she can while reading Some Guy in Austin’s blog.  She laughs hysterically . . . topless . . . while eating a banana. 

Cut to the guys bro-ing it up in their fancy suite.  We get a brief shot of Sean, Jef, and Arie sitting in front of the television watching Sportscenter drinking beer.  A voice off camera asks if they are excited to go on their dates with Emily.  Arie looks away from the television and says, “Yea, we’re all really excited.  Can you beer us before you leave?” 

We cut back to Emily showering before her first date with Sean.  (Hey, I had to watch Brad and Jake shower twice a week for two entire seasons.  Fair is fair.)  Worried about looking her best for her date, Emily invites a young female intern to join her in the shower and scrub the really hard to reach places.  After all, the sand and the sun have a way of drying out a girl’s skin and exfoliation eliminates dead skin and prevents dark patches and age spots.  Emily hair and makeups before putting on a white bikini and a see through cover up a la Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep.

Sean arrives at Emily’s hotel room with a six pack of Lone Star Beer and a Twister game in hand.  Because he has been rendered inflexible due to old sports injuries, Sean offers to spin the spinner thingy and Emily does her best to keep her left foot on yellow while moving her right hand to red.  Emily has fun; however, becomes very sad that she has to play alone.  She challenges the aforementioned young female intern to a Twister dual and after a few tricky moves, she wins.  Sean kills the remainder of his six pack before he and Emily head to the local tiki bar where she laughs at all of his jokes, brings him beers from the bar, and keeps the jukebox filled with quarters playing all of his favorite songs. 

Alright, let’s stop for a second.  We all know that Sean is kind hearted, seems to be a decent guy, and is freaking huge.  However, he’s also unemotional and boring.  That’s not his fault, but it is his problem.  My guess is that Emily is physically attracted to him and she enjoyed the possibility of having the under-named Little Ricki play in that giant brat mansion owned by the over-named Kensington and Smith in Dallas. 

The bottom line is that Sean didn’t make Emily’s toes curl and that, my friends, is a must have for any woman.  A woman can overlook quite a lot in the physical category (see Jef) if a guy is funny, charming, and clever.  Unfortunately for Sean, he’s just beefy and lacks depth.  He’ll do just fine back in Dallas, but he had as much of a chance sealing the Emily deal as I did at seeing a tickle fight between Emily and the young female ABC intern. 

Back to my Fantasy Post.

Emily and Sean have fun, but it’s clear that the size of his arms is inversely related to his ability to emotionally connect with Emily.  She forgoes the Fantasy Suite because she’s secretly saving herself for a certain blogger in Austin.  Emily heads back to her balcony before losing that itchy bikini top and taking a moment to call the over-permissive nanny in Charlotte and check on Little Ricki.  She coats herself in aloe vera to ease the sun soreness on her taut, tanned skin and does a workout video to ease the emotional soreness weighing on her mind.  She showers again and after a brief nap eats a hot dog and dresses for her date with Arie. 

Arie again fails to comb his hair and arrives to pick up Emily a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a copy of Whitesnake’s Greatest Hits in the other.  Arie kills a Jack and Coke as Emily reenacts the Here I Go Again car aerobics scene once made famous by Tawny Kitaen.  Incidentally, Tawny Kitaen is Rachel Welch’s daughter.  Back when Raquel was 26, she could have given Emily—or any woman for that matter—a heck of a run for her money. 

After finishing her Here I Go Again car dance, an exhausted Emily assures Arie that he’s not going home but tells him that she’d rather just put on a silk nighty and relax in the room than do Fantasy Date Stuff with him.  Arie understands and hides his excitement before heading out to find Harrison at the pool for a few Jell-o shots between placing waitresses phone numbers in Harrison’s iPhone.  The doorbell rings and a 26 year old Raquel Welch arrives in order to have a tickle fight with Emily.  Exhausted, they nap.  This IS my fantasy, isnt’ it? 

Emily awakens, showers, throws on a bikini, and eats a lollipop while waiting for her date with Jef.  The fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t after she allegedly banged a producer is called in to give Emily a back rub and cover her in suntan oil.

I’ve been busting that guys balls for four seasons now.  I figured I’d throw him a bone.    Annyyyyhooo. . .

Jef arrives in skinny jeans with extra gel in his hair and Emily tells him he’s not going home.  She tells him she’s going to forgo the Fantasy Date in favor of skinny dipping in the private pool outside of her secluded villa.  Jef understands and promises to drop subtle hints to Sean about going home.  After skinny dipping, Emily returns to her room and ensures that her arms will look their best in her Rose Ceremony attire by doing an extended Shake Weight work out.  She showers and dresses up like a mermaid before hitting the Lair of Seclusion and meeting with a shaved and rested Chris Harrison to go over the week’s events. 

We all know that Sean got the boot.  I caught the last 10 minutes of the show.  He was clearly surprised but managed to lose with his dignity in tact if you discount the tight blue khakis he wore.  I doubt this guy has enough personality to be the next Bachelor, but then again, I thought the same thing about Brad.  My guess is that Jef wins the big prize and Arie takes time away from driving in a circle in order to look for love again. 

Thoughts on Emily?  She’s a decent person and it was clear that she had a tough time hurting Sean’s feelings.  She’s not faking that. 

Well, there it is; my best guess as to how the show went down.  I’m certain I wasn’t that far off.  I’ll leave you now for this week as I have a great trip involving plenty of mountain biking and wine drinking planned in Vail, Colorado this weekend.  Special thanks to my friends Mike and Heather www.yeticycles.com who set the whole thing up.  I’ll leave you with the teaser that in lieu of blogging about the Men Tell All show, I have a very—and I mean VERY—special post in store for those of you kind enough to log on next week.  I guarantee it will not disappoint.   

Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be at Wal-Mart in search of Twister and a Shake Weight.  DP