Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bachelorette Emily Episode 9: Fantasy About the Fantasy Dates


Hello, Readers.  Yes, it’s Some Guy.  You’re not hallucinating.  This is not some desert mirage cruelly taunting your thirst for humor from afar.  I’m actually on time this week. 

(Here comes the however)


HOWEVER, this post is going to be 100% unique.  It’s going to be a rare test of my creative muscles.  Why?  If you Google “Austin, Texas weather” you’ll notice that we had a rare summer occurrence last night.  I believe it’s what is called “rain.”  The storm moved aggressively through the Hill Country and into Austin right at 6:50 p.m. just as Some Guy was popping a Lone Star Beer and settling into my favorite chair to watch Emily skip around in her bikini for two hours.  And then fate intervened. 


My power went out at 7:03 p.m.  Rather than sit in the dark and wonder, I chose to take my Special Lady Friend to dinner and return to watch the show, which I was certain was recording due to the back up power on my DVR cable thingy that is supposed to preserve all of my settings in the event of a power outage.  The sharp ones in the bunch see where I’m going with this. 


When the Special Lady Friend and I returned home around 8:45 p.m after a lovely repast of authentic Italian food and wine, I turned on the television to find an error message letting me know that “the signal was lost”.  After repeating my favorite expletive a few times---the one that rhymes with “duck”—I quickly turned to ABC and caught just the last 12 minutes of the show.  Now, in the hands of a lesser blogger, that would be a problem.  Have no fear.  Some Guy in Austin is here. 


In light of my complete lack of desire to sit in front of my computer screen and watch the show on Hulu, I’ve chosen to fantasize about the Fantasy Suite and walk you through what I believe happened.  Of course, I’m aware that Beefy yet Boring Sean drew the black bean from the hat last night, but that’s literally all I know.  Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to confess that I sent Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray an email telling her what happened and she threw gasoline on the wildfire by letting me know that Emily ran around in a bikini for most of the episode.  As you might imagine, I’ll be using that piece of information liberally throughout my post.  Let’s get to it.


DP’s Version of Fantasy Week


We begin with a shot of the soon-to-be single Chris Harrison passed out in a hammock between two palm trees near the ocean in Curacao with a bottle of rum in one hand and an extinguished blunt in the other.  We see an intern’s hand gently shake him.  “Mr. Harrison, it’s time to film your opening spot with the men.  They’re waiting for you in v-necks in front of the most prominent landmark in town.  Jef refused to wear shorts and is still in skinny jeans.” 


Harrison comes to and turns toward the camera showing us a few days worth of stubble and bloodshot eyes.  “Tell them it’s Try to Get Laid Week.  Bring me a Bloody Mary, a shot of scotch, three aspirin, and one of those silky eye cover things from the hotel room and find me an hour before my sit down with Emily.  Oh, and tell that pu**y Fleiss to pay off my tab at the swim up bar and be sure to head to Neil Lane’s suite and check his airway to make sure he hasn’t choked to death on his own vomit.  Things got a little hairy last night.” 


We cut to a shot of a softly lit Emily strolling contemplatively in her white shorts on the white sandy beach . . . topless.  Her voice over tells us that she’s heavy hearted because she knows that one of the three men who have been flown to this tropical paradise will go home heartbroken.  Tears gather in the corners of her deep brown eyes as she takes a moment to slowly and very thoroughly cover herself in sunblock.


After all, a person goes topless to prevent tan lines and the only thing less attractive than tan lines is a deep sunburn.  She has several strapless gowns to wear this week and she has to look her best for her suitors.  She’s likely to find herself in a situation where she has to use her hooters in the next few days and God forbid she allows the relentless Caribbean sun to harm them. 


Now adequately protected from the danger of ultra-violet radiation, Emily returns to her room where she ditches the white shorts in favor of bikini bottoms, grabs her iPad, and heads to her ocean-facing balcony to soak up as much Vitamin D as she can while reading Some Guy in Austin’s blog.  She laughs hysterically . . . topless . . . while eating a banana. 


Cut to the guys bro-ing it up in their fancy suite.  We get a brief shot of Sean, Jef, and Arie sitting in front of the television watching Sportscenter drinking beer.  A voice off camera asks if they are excited to go on their dates with Emily.  Arie looks away from the television and says, “Yea, we’re all really excited.  Can you beer us before you leave?” 


We cut back to Emily showering before her first date with Sean.  (Hey, I had to watch Brad and Jake shower twice a week for two entire seasons.  Fair is fair.)  Worried about looking her best for her date, Emily invites a young female intern to join her in the shower and scrub the really hard to reach places.  After all, the sand and the sun have a way of drying out a girl’s skin and exfoliation eliminates dead skin and prevents dark patches and age spots.  Emily hair and makeups before putting on a white bikini and a see through cover up a la Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep.


Sean arrives at Emily’s hotel room with a six pack of Lone Star Beer and a Twister game in hand.  Because he has been rendered inflexible due to old sports injuries, Sean offers to spin the spinner thingy and Emily does her best to keep her left foot on yellow while moving her right hand to red.  Emily has fun; however, becomes very sad that she has to play alone.  She challenges the aforementioned young female intern to a Twister dual and after a few tricky moves, she wins.  Sean kills the remainder of his six pack before he and Emily head to the local tiki bar where she laughs at all of his jokes, brings him beers from the bar, and keeps the jukebox filled with quarters playing all of his favorite songs. 




Alright, let’s stop for a second.  We all know that Sean is kind hearted, seems to be a decent guy, and is freaking huge.  However, he’s also unemotional and boring.  That’s not his fault, but it is his problem.  My guess is that Emily is physically attracted to him and she enjoyed the possibility of having the under-named Little Ricki play in that giant brat mansion owned by the over-named Kensington and Smith in Dallas. 


The bottom line is that Sean didn’t make Emily’s toes curl and that, my friends, is a must have for any woman.  A woman can overlook quite a lot in the physical category (see Jef) if a guy is funny, charming, and clever.  Unfortunately for Sean, he’s just beefy and lacks depth.  He’ll do just fine back in Dallas, but he had as much of a chance sealing the Emily deal as I did at seeing a tickle fight between Emily and the young female ABC intern. 


Back to my Fantasy Post.


Emily and Sean have fun, but it’s clear that the size of his arms is inversely related to his ability to emotionally connect with Emily.  She forgoes the Fantasy Suite because she’s secretly saving herself for a certain blogger in Austin.  Emily heads back to her balcony before losing that itchy bikini top and taking a moment to call the over-permissive nanny in Charlotte and check on Little Ricki.  She coats herself in aloe vera to ease the sun soreness on her taut, tanned skin and does a workout video to ease the emotional soreness weighing on her mind.  She showers again and after a brief nap eats a hot dog and dresses for her date with Arie. 

Arie again fails to comb his hair and arrives to pick up Emily a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a copy of Whitesnake’s Greatest Hits in the other.  Arie kills a Jack and Coke as Emily reenacts the Here I Go Again car aerobics scene once made famous by Tawny Kitaen.  Incidentally, Tawny Kitaen is Rachel Welch’s daughter.  Back when Raquel was 26, she could have given Emily—or any woman for that matter—a heck of a run for her money. 





After finishing her Here I Go Again car dance, an exhausted Emily assures Arie that he’s not going home but tells him that she’d rather just put on a silk nighty and relax in the room than do Fantasy Date Stuff with him.  Arie understands and hides his excitement before heading out to find Harrison at the pool for a few Jell-o shots between placing waitresses phone numbers in Harrison’s iPhone.  The doorbell rings and a 26 year old Raquel Welch arrives in order to have a tickle fight with Emily.  Exhausted, they nap.  This IS my fantasy, isnt’ it? 




Emily awakens, showers, throws on a bikini, and eats a lollipop while waiting for her date with Jef.  The fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t after she allegedly banged a producer is called in to give Emily a back rub and cover her in suntan oil.


I’ve been busting that guys balls for four seasons now.  I figured I’d throw him a bone.    Annyyyyhooo. . .


Jef arrives in skinny jeans with extra gel in his hair and Emily tells him he’s not going home.  She tells him she’s going to forgo the Fantasy Date in favor of skinny dipping in the private pool outside of her secluded villa.  Jef understands and promises to drop subtle hints to Sean about going home.  After skinny dipping, Emily returns to her room and ensures that her arms will look their best in her Rose Ceremony attire by doing an extended Shake Weight work out.  She showers and dresses up like a mermaid before hitting the Lair of Seclusion and meeting with a shaved and rested Chris Harrison to go over the week’s events. 





We all know that Sean got the boot.  I caught the last 10 minutes of the show.  He was clearly surprised but managed to lose with his dignity in tact if you discount the tight blue khakis he wore.  I doubt this guy has enough personality to be the next Bachelor, but then again, I thought the same thing about Brad.  My guess is that Jef wins the big prize and Arie takes time away from driving in a circle in order to look for love again. 

Thoughts on Emily?  She’s a decent person and it was clear that she had a tough time hurting Sean’s feelings.  She’s not faking that. 

Well, there it is; my best guess as to how the show went down.  I’m certain I wasn’t that far off.  I’ll leave you now for this week as I have a great trip involving plenty of mountain biking and wine drinking planned in Vail, Colorado this weekend.  Special thanks to my friends Mike and Heather www.yeticycles.com who set the whole thing up.  I’ll leave you with the teaser that in lieu of blogging about the Men Tell All show, I have a very—and I mean VERY—special post in store for those of you kind enough to log on next week.  I guarantee it will not disappoint.   

Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be at Wal-Mart in search of Twister and a Shake Weight.  DP

44 comments:

  1. Argh.....you missed Emily's little white shorts! Really!!!!!

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  2. The white shorts did make an appearance. You missed that. I thought this was one of your best posts this season. Thank you.
    Paula in Sacramento

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  3. It is the right thing to let yourself off the hook once in a while and this post is way better than the stressing over "will you find the time to blog" post. Did you note some other reality show (I don't know which one, just saw commercial) has girls playing playing Twister this week (could have been subliminal if you saw it for a second)? Can't wait for your VERY post next week!

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  4. Hilarious! Way more interesting than what actually happened.

    Emily is a very classy lady...prob the first one in bachelor/ette history to not do the overnight date. Howevere, that makes for a very boring show...

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  5. Nice job with the showering, eating phallical food, and other random fantasies of yours.
    Oh the v-necks. Even "perfect" Sean can't pull it off.
    I am glad you didn't get to watch this episode as your fantasy was much more exciting than the real fantasies. Although I think it's a breath of fresh air for Emily to forego the fornication for a while.
    ~Cariss

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  6. Your fantasy was much more entertaining and interesting than the actual show. Next week doesn't look that great, i think you need large groups of crazy women for tell all drama.
    Enjoy Vail!!

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  7. You got it right for the most part, DP, minus all of the nudity. Though I'm beginning to wonder if I've missed out on some sort of female rite-of-passage since I have never once engaged in a tickle fight with any of my girlfriends...

    It is both revealing and a little bit disturbing to see how your imagination works. Looking forward to next week's post!

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  8. Love it! Thanks for the post. It's a bit disturbing actually how close you are! ;-)

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  9. I actually laughed more when reading this post than your usual "recap" post. You are going to love seeing Emily in all the skimpy clothing when you do decide to HULU it. Thanks for the great visuals.

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  10. DP, You def need to watch!
    i loved your recap of the "fantasy version" great visual.

    however, between her white short shorts, her lack of shorts, her tight white dress, and the camera angles that perfectly accented her protruding side boob.
    well, its like she was practically calling Some Guys name...

    -lauren

    thanks for the laughs!

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  11. I'd love to read a whole fantasy season!! Thanks loads, DP!

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  12. Way to go, DP! That was a whole lot more interesting than the actual episode! I've been a huge One F fan from the beginning and am very favorably impressed by Emily, that she actually gets why he is so amazing. Good for her! I'm sure Arie is a great guy, and clearly has mad makeout skillz, but I just don't see that lasting.

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  13. Rebecca, you be sure and let me know if you get around to planning that tickle fight, would you? DP

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  14. Hey there DP! I thought that your fantasy post was absolutely adorable. I missed the show this week as well, but as always loved your post. I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that if you're heading to Vail with your SLF and have a special surprise for us next week.....then I'm guessing that you are going to come back engaged. It's like I always say....never try to fool a gay guy. Tell me DP, did I spoil your surprise?

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  15. oops...forgot to sign the 4:29pm post...

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys

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  16. Funny recap, DP! I was so happy for you when I saw the white shorts! Sorry you missed them!

    Just know that One-F-Jef was a smooth operator once again. Unlike anything you'd normally see on this show, he actually tried to ask Emily questions about issues that might impact their future. He kind of reminds me of Ames in that he classes up the show a bit by actually exhibiting some intelligence.

    Arie was.... in heat?!?!

    And Sean was nice, but sort of robotic. Too bad that she spent the whole date trying to get him to say the "L" word and even though he finally did, she dumped him anyway.

    Can't wait for next week's post!

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  17. Derek, you should know I'm saving myself for you and only you. DP

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  18. That was hilarious! Emily taking all those showers. Too funny. And the white shorts you were hoping for made an appearance right off the bat. Sorry you missed it. Thanks for the laughs!

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  19. DP, If you had Emily take any more showers in your fantasy, her skin would be as wrinkled as the sheets in Chris Harrison's party suite! Have a great trip and thanks for all the laughs.

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  20. LOVED your fantasy post. Promise to do one every season? You couldn't fantasy post all of them or you wouldnt know enough little details to make it funny.

    Your first two paragraphs about Harrison are hilarious! But, actually in the episode he was showering while talking to his assistant. Oh, ooops, my fantasy! ;P

    TLew ~ (that's a tilda) Nashville

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  21. Welcome back, Derek!

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  22. Agree you should do one of these every season, awesome.

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  23. How are you so damn funny all the time?!? Hilarious! A banana, a hot dog and a lollipop.... Scary how a man's mind works but I think that made me laugh the hardest! Can't wait for next week!

    -Rose in OC

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  24. she did forgo fantasy date with Arie but cried about it because she had to fight it so hard. If she ends up with Jef, i wonder if it ever enters his mind that Emily is fantasizing about making love with Arie.

    Tammy

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  25. Derek- I think it might be more of a South Florida thing as I live in Boca and a ring on the finger was my guess and confirmed by Some Guy. Special Lady doesn't read the blog I hope because she will figure it out... So I'm thinking maybe it already happened. Maybe you can blog your courtship and it would be more exciting than half the dates on Bach series! Have a great time in CO!

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  26. Really disappointed by this week's post. Didn't get through it. Really found it disgusting. Hope for better material next week.

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  27. Anon, sorry to disappoint. I can't make everyone happy. Thanks for at least trying to read. Hope to see you next week. As always, a big grain of salt is required here. DP

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  28. Well, DP, your Fantasy About the Fantasy Dates was far more entertaining than Monday which was boring and boilerplate (to me). If you haven't checked out the show on line ABC.com or other places on line) and decided to forego it in favor of fun at Wal-mart, it went like this (from my POV) I will try but can't promise brevity.

    Scenes: You know--last leg of Amazing Journey to a Curacao beach haven with as little clothing as possible and also Emily wearing really strange sequined artsy evening costumes.

    Act 1: Sean told viewers what he should'a told Emily a few episodes ago. Then by the Free Private Curacao beach he READ her a letter he'd composed for to Li'l Ricki (whom he'll never meet) before finally blurting the elusive "L" word directly to her Mom! People look into their loved one's eyes at this time but Sean was too bashful to do much of that. She was hoping for something truly "amazing" but Sean was not up to it. She gave no hint of regret but it didn't help things when he told her he'd gone with a girl 3 years and loved but wasn't IN love with her (too much said: doomed Sean).

    Act 2: Jef on a private yacht and after sliding in on a Jef-propelled surfboard they settle down on maybe the same beach. I was sort of irritated with Jef because right off the bat after she read The Fantasy Suite Invite he said the respect bit and that he'd forego the Suite before she ever got HER two cents in. If I recall, "Let's not let our passions get in the way." She replied (to him or me) that he was such a gentleman but (my translation) to Jef, "you beat me to it, no fair!" (confiding to me that he stole aid HER lines).

    Based on Em's Amazing Brad Journey I sensed she would forego the F-suite altogether but after forgetting to forego some foreplay with Arie (the one guy who would not forego going the distance) she fore-went the whole Fantasy Suite, period (telling me she wasn't even going to show HIM an Invitation). It (the subject, that is) never even came up between them.

    I won't rehash the last ten minutes as you already saw them. It was rather depressing.

    Well, we know only one guy wins (and even maybe no one) and it may be Jef but I hope it is Arie BUT I am a fool for a professional foreign driver speeding a track in a a powerful low slung race car (I was a Magnum PI fan "back then" too, DP) and that powerful bulky lookng guy (in the suit that is). Emily knew a guy like that before. So two weeks (our time, not Emily's (which was six months ago!)it's mano a mano for her hand.

    I hope she found love but rarely does it last from these shows (except Trista and Ryan). When some naive people watch them they think it is going on before their eyes but Emily has already crossed her own Rubicon (oops, another antiquated phrase--didn't Caesar do that with Cleo a couple of millennia ago on THEIR first date?) six or so months ago.

    So in short, DP I preferred your version. It was a true Fantasy. (on rereading and editing, I do not know how to do anything In short.) Macedonian Hussy

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  29. P.S. Yikes--how could I forget to mention, yes, you are right out of the chute in guessing that Emily wore her ubiquitous little white shorts! Mace. Huss.

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  30. Tawny Kitaen is Linda Taylor Kitaen, not Raquel Welch's daughter. Tahnee Welch is Raquel's daughter with James Welch. Maybe you were joking but just to let you know.

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  31. This just fucking made my week. Hilarious.

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  32. "She laughs hysterically . . . topless . . . while eating a banana."

    You are the best :)

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  33. Thanks to MH for the recap...pretty good. Not as good as DP of course.

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  34. There is only one true MH and it was not me who recapped.

    MH

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  35. I just read the post on Facebook on Emily. No surprise. She's trash.

    Samantha in WV

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  36. Samantha - I just got on facebook to see the post after reading your comment. While I have no opinion on whether or not Emily is trash...I did, however, see the picture of Vienna in a bikini next to Emily's picture and I found her to be much hotter than Emily. I'm sure the women out there will brutalize me for that, but she looked good.

    I also saw a picture of Arie and it reminded me of what I've already been thinking for a while now. That boy needs to hit the weight room. I'm not saying that men need to have big muscles to be sexy, but he just looks extremely soft. Add that to his feminine mannerisms and he just comes across as weak and frail. Just my observation.

    MH

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  37. I haven't had time to watch yet but I'm sure your version is much more entertaining. You're right about the shower scenes, fair is fair. While I wouldn't want to see Emily's, I did enjoy Brad's. I love your sense of humor and imagination! I hope you have a great time in Vail. I can't for next week's VERY special post.

    Denise in Alabama

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  38. Hey Denise - I'm right there with you girl! Brad's shower scene was the bomb. Lots of OMG's and yelling from the all the boys during that episode.

    Derek and the boys

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  39. I appreciate MH's clarification. Please be assured I never write initials especially when they are identical to anyone's. Sorry for the confusion. In fact, obviously if it was he who gave DP a recap on Episode 9 he'd have done a far better job than I did.

    Also, to Vandy, I didn't aim to outdo anyone, much less DP himself, The Master. I was just giving him a heads-up on some highlights he obviously didn't get to watch--especially the part when Jef beat Emily to the punch in foregoing the Fantasy Suite.

    From now on if anyone bother to reply or comment to or about me just say M. Hussy or even Hussy but no initials--he is THE MH & I'm not. Peace Out. Macedonian Hussy

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  40. @ Macedonian Hussy - LOL...I loved your recap and believe me, you did a much better job than I would have done. I, for one, enjoyed it! As for not being "The MH", that's probably a good thing. DP will tell you himself....a lot of baggage goes along with being MH. Anyway, I love reading your comments every week.

    MH

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  41. MH - that was sweet. As we say in Macedonia, efcharisto poli, translated "I'd like to adopt you and then give you an oedipus complex." Still a fan of you two--perhaps because of the edge you two have. Faithfully, the M Hussy

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  42. My guess for next week's VERY SPECIAL POST is a VIDEO BLOG!!!!! Wouldn't that be awesome? Anyway, awesome post DP, I enjoyed it thoroughly, and can't wait for next week!

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  43. And THAT, my e-friend, is absolutely why I continue to come back for more, more, more of that .....stuff.

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