Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bachelorette Emily Episode 5: Kalon Gets the F*ck Out

Well hello, Readers.  I trust that your week went by swimmingly.  Mine was rather busy again.  I’ve got a lot of balls in the air right now and it’s often difficult to keep juggling them.  Notwithstanding the fact that I’m grateful to have my balls juggled, it’s an exhausting proposition to sit through a one hour show that lasts two hours and come up with a witty breakdown the next morning.  Oh, who am I kidding? I love doing that.  I just wanted to set up an early anatomy joke. 

Before we begin this week I’d love to send a shout out to my London fan base.  I have fond memories of the ex-pats from the USA who now call England home because they were the first people to contact me and let me know that this little blog happened to be read on the other side of the pond.  That still makes me smile when I think about it and they’ve been kind enough to stay in touch over the past couple of years.  In fact, I got an early email last week reminding me that our favorite, least favorite show was being filmed from London.  Thanks for the message.  Good luck in London and travel safely wherever you end up going.  Oh, and if you see Kalon in a cab, point him toward the airport, would you?  Now, let’s get to it.  

We begin in London, England with canned shots of familiar landmarks before seeing Emily and Little Ricki stroll around the city taking advantage of the free swag provided by the ABC advertisers.  They take pictures and ride around in a double decker bus while Emily’s voice over (predictably) recaps her current “in search of the right man for the right reasons” status. 

In a subtle yet definite display that purple was indeed the color of nobility back when Mel Gibson was running around in a kilt, Harrison summons the remaining dudes for a powwow in Trafalgar Square in order to display his new purple scarf.  No one has worn purple that effectively since Prince.  So adamant was he about his selection, the men were prevented from wearing anything but grays and blacks.  It was like watching the first 15 minutes of The Wizard of Oz for crying out loud. 

Harrison lines up the three dates of the week.  There is, of course, the Group Date accompanied by two one-on-one dates.  No flower means you’re on a plane in an hour.  The men absorb the enormity of the week and retire to the Amarillo Suite in the Mayfair Hotel where they undoubtedly snuggled with their multicolored v-neck t-shirts before stumbling upon the first one-on-one Date Card.    

"Sean, Love takes no prisoners," it reads and I screamed “Tower of London” at my television after a swallowing a pull of cold Lone Star beer.  A muted, yet excited Sean overgels his hair (he’s from Dallas, what did you expect?), throws on some plaid over his v-neck, and busts out his best pair of Rascal Flatts jeans (he’s from Dallas, what did you expect?) as Kalon longs for control of the situation.  His androgynous smirk smacked of frustration.  My guess is that this little adventure is likely the first time in his entire life he wasn’t given exactly what he wanted on a platter matching the silver spoon that has been stuffed in his mouth since birth.

Emily arrives looking like a hotter, younger, female Colombo in her brown trenchcoat to meet Sean in the park.  They board a double decker bus and take an identical tour to the one she just had with Little Ricki before dropping her off with the overly permissive nanny.  Sean screams like an idiot and Emily spouts off some more facts from the “Things To Do In London” brochure she received in her ABC itinerary packet. 


Back in the Amarillo Room Good Guys Ari and Jef—as evidenced by their white t-shirts—set up this week’s conflict with Bad Guy Kalon in his black t-shirt.  Please.  They might as well have been issued cowboy hats and badges.  Kalon badmouths Little Ricki setting the pre-planned plot in motion and somewhere in the sound truck an ABC intern hit the “Confirm Reservation” button on a London to Houston flight he booked via the website.  We all knew it was coming.  Frankly, so did Kalon.  More about that later.      

Back in the park, Sean confesses that his last date was a harrowing 4-5 months ago.  He’s "selective" he tells her as they philosophize about "good guys" and their qualities.  Honestly, they seemed to have an understated chemistry.  Emily was clearly interested.  He carries her luxury brand handbag on the way to a place called Speaker's Corner where he gets up and speaks about love and some other horrible clichés about his parents and grandparents.  Canned?  Yes, but I’ll give him credit for owning it and she appeared to buy it, which, let’s face it, is all that really counts. 

Sufficiently impressed, they head for dinner in Tower of London.  “I knew it,” I smiled to myself.  Emily does her own royal impression sporting a light purple pashmina while being accompanied by Sean who is dressed like the Transporter.  The guy went from gray pinstripes and a pink tie to dressing like a chauffer.  What gives?    

Some English guy in a stupid outfit seats them.  By the way, I’ve never been to London but it appears that there are a lot of people in ridiculous outfits walking around that city.  It’s like a Renaissance festival accidentally occurring amidst a big city’s daily activities.  Just an observation.  Annnyyyhoooo….

Emily makes small talk and we realize that her grueling luxury brand schedule has made her a bit hoarse.  She bravely pushes on in spite of the pain by spouting off more facts from her ABC prep packet as Sean wisely demonstrates that, unlike Kalon, it is not absolutely necessary to hear himself talk.  The guy’s approach was subtle, yet I have to admit, effective. 

Even when Emily went with the usual 20-something scare away line, "I want a lot of kids," Sean didn’t flinch.  "How many kids does he want?"  We don't know, but she certainly wants a bunch.   I could literally see her ovulating from across the ocean.  Look, I’ve made no secret that I think Emily is hot.  However, she clearly has a biological clock ticking loudly in her ear like that guilty guy from Poe’s The Telltale Heart.  I have my own opinions about that.  Perhaps that’s an off-season post.  I was happy how Sean handled it, though.  Emily appeared happy too.  That fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her s*it when she got booted for banging (allegedly) a producer was sad because he didn’t get to step out of the darkness in his guillotine executioner costume and scare the hell out of Sean.  He was too busy wondering if, like William the Conqueror in 1066, he’d get a chance to storm Emily’s castle.  Hell, she looked like she wanted to see the Crown Jewels. 

Ahh, English humor.      

Sean proves himself to be the anti-Ryan and Emily seemed more receptive than a pack of middle-aged housewives to a Chris Harrison Pool Party invitation.   All we needed was for The Band Train to show up (remember that?)   Sean masterfully illustrates the maxim “When you get to the end zone, act like you've been there.”  Nice work, Sean.  He gets some kisses and a rose.  Like Jef, he’s not “working” Emily and she clearly responds to subtle ass-kissing rather than blatant flattery.  Sean, of course, was just being himself.  That may seem elementary; however, I think we’d all agree that more often than not on this show, that tends to get lost.  

The Group Date Card arrives.  "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 

Let me pause for a moment.

That quote is perhaps one of the most famous quotes in all of any written or spoken genre and was written by the most famous author of the Western world and beyond.  Not knowing that quote is like not knowing that Tiger Woods plays golf.  Hell, it’s worse than that.  In our world, it’s like not knowing that Chris Harrison hosts this show.  Any person with any semblance of an education has been exposed to it.  Period.  Top that off with the fact that they were in England—the birthplace of that famous author—and I have to agree with Kalon’s assessment of the bunch as "macho dumbasses" when they all failed to recognize a Shakespeare quote in England.  He actually deserves credit for that one.  They apparently teach English Lit at SMU.

Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, John, Travis,  and Kalon, who acts like the spoiled brat he is when he doesn't get his way, get the Group Date.  In spite of Nate’s absence, Jef does a bit of math and realizes that he’s drawn the big one-on-one.   

Group date takes place in Stratford on Avon, the birthplace of Shakespeare.  In a feeble attempt to perhaps bond with Emily Ryan inexplicably wears a scarf.  They find out that they’ll be acting out “portions” of Romeo & Juliet for a local crowd.  Good Lord, I thought.  Having this bunch come to Stratford on Avon and act out Romeo & Juliet is like having the Queen of England come to a union hall in Jersey and give a Hoffa speech. 

Arie proves that he is apparently functionally illiterate.  Travis doesn’t do any favors for the struggling Mississippi public education system when he uses the word "menstruals" instead of "minstrels".  All the while Alejandro sat there in his diamond studs drawing on his limited but valuable experience from the time he was the understudy for the part of  Bernardo in Bogata Junior High School’s Summer production of West Side Story in the park. 
Kalon is hard core, as usual.  He actually shooed Emily away.  She correctly wondered aloud, "I don't know who he thinks he is."  She should have used “get the f*ck out” right then.    
Doug drops the most ironic line of the night, telling the camera,  "I don't want to sound like an idiot...especially in front of an audience."  Too late, Doug.  There’s been an audience of about 8 million people who think you’re an idiot for the last five weeks.  He clearly needed a hug. 
People from West Virginia should probably not perform Shakespeare without taking diction lessons beforehand.  I’m just saying.  The only thing this segment had in common with the actual Romeo & Juliet is that, it too, was a huge tragedy. 
Arie, forced to take a female role, laments the fact that he's "not a thesbian."  I believe he meant "thespian" but dressed like a woman, he sure as hell looked like a thesbian.  If he had 8 more thesbians with him he could form a softball team.  It’s doubtful those thesbians would have to worry about menstruals either.  What do you get when you cross a bike and tampon?  A menstrual cycle.  I'll be here all week.

Travis calls Ryan a "sapsucker."  Who is he, Yosemite Sam?  I felt like breaking an ostrich egg over his head.  Confession:  I fast forwarded.      

The cocktail party—oddly enough—takes place at Cox's Yard.  Hell, this whole show takes place there.  I wondered aloud if this was actually a “Cock Tail Party.”  It’s amazing what a touch of the “space” button can do, isn’t it?    

Emily looked stunning in her short, white number.  They have beers in the pub.  No lights again?  What’s the deal this season?  I was beginning to wonder if Emily either had a pimple or was afflicted with photophobia.  Either way, it’s been awfully dark this season.    

Arie snuggles and goes to his backup "I missed you."   Then Emily has alone time with Ryan and his vest.  I prayed she had her rape whistle.  Of course, this is all window dressing.  “Let’s get the f*ck on with it,” I said, drinking my own beer. 
Kalon sulks and the real Kalon comes out.  Arie and Chris talk it out.  Kalon’s “Ricki is baggage” comment spreads like scurvy on an English vessel as the guys "right reasons" each other.  Doug wants to kill him.  Doug tattles.   She's understandably pissed.  She tries be a lady.  Doug shares some of the safety words he learned in Anger Management training as his ex-wife and her friends simultaneously spit up their chardonnay before bursting into hysterics.  Austin remained in his room alone throwing his baseball into the thin, lonely air surrounding him.    

Emily goes all Doug saying, "I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them."  So much for being a lady.  Emily loses the jacket like Olivia Newton John in the closing scenes of Grease and confronts Kalon.  Kalon stutters like the pus*y he is.  Eventually, Kalon gets the f*ck out. She removes herself.  He hits the road.  

Emily retreats to spend time with Little Ricki.  Oblivious, Ricki wonders why her hotel room is so small and understated as compared to her room in her free house in Charlotte.  Emily is clearly rattled.  This is the part that sucks about being on the show.  We’ve seen everyone—most recently Ben—learn that lesson the hard way.  At least she didn’t curl up in her sheets and hide her head from the camera like some hormonally charged ostrich like Ashley or sob uncontrollably from a balcony like Jake or Mesnick.  She took the time to collect herself, probably had a long shower full of perspective-bringing thoughts, and suited up for her one-on-one with Jay Eee Ef.    

Poor Jef unwittingly inherits the real baggage of the evening but is perceptive enough to lead with a simple compliment and a hug.  He’s in a good position if he plays his cards right, I thought.  He's not a meathead and that's exactly what she needed after the baggage fiasco.  Unfortunately, his gratification will be delayed by a bucktoothed etiquette teacher.  It’s a shame Kalon left so soon.  This sort of garbage would be right up his alley.  A clearly miserable Emily and a mildly annoyed Jef suffer through the “proper” way to do things.  I don't think it works this way in West Virginia or at Jef’s water company.  They hit the Bell and the Crown Pub for some beer and fish and chips.  Now we’re talking.

Jef broaches the Kalon subject and confirms that he sort of told Kalon off in a round about way.  Emily drops the Bachelorette act and says some things that would make Jean, the bucktoothed etiquette teacher spit out her dentures.  That was hot, by the way.  Jef makes some solid luxury brand jokes comparing Ricki to a luxury handbag.  She digs him.  Fast forward to a dinner date where he talked WAY too much and me screaming “Kiss Her, Dude!” at the screen over whatever nonsense he was spouting, Jef did well.  He ended with a kiss and a rose.  I think I speak for most of us when I say that I was proud of him. 

Cocktail party.  Emily calls guys to the carpet for not ratting out Kalon but forgives and forgets.  It's good to bury the hatchet . . . as long as you don't forget where it's buried.  The entire Ricki is baggage comment and the surrounding fallout is immediately dubbed  "The Kalon Situation."

Emily busts everyone’s balls collectively and separately--a lot—about not “having her back.”  Frankly, I think they’re all more interested in her front, but that’s another post.  She made her point clear . . . over and over again. “ For never was there a segment of more woe/Than this which Emily could not let go.”    

Ryan pulls a balcony stunt and then demonstrates what a complete chach he is by speaking in clichés.  Oddly enough, Emily pretended to buy it.  I recalled the time that I was drunk in front of my television at 3am (well, ONE time) and I was almost lulled into picking up the phone and buying Tae Bo.  If you blanket someone with an idea enough times, it will eventually have an effect.  Ryan has been putting the press on Emily with the same line of crap for weeks now and she appeared to buy some of it in her weakened mental state.  Let’s PRAY that this a-hole doesn’t make the Fantasy Suite.  Unlike the one reader who thinks he’s a “hoot,” I can’t stand him.   

Harrison finally gets the f*ck in and pulls out the Ubiquitous Champagne Glass and Butter Knife.  Wolf sports red pants harkening back to Ames’s masterful presentation last season.  He’s no Ames.  Harrison redraws the line in the sand and we’re off. 
Rose Ceremony
1.         Sean
2.         Jef
3.         Doug
4.         Ryan
5.         Chris
6.         John
7.         Travis  
8.         Arie
1.         Kalon
2.         Alejandro (Adios y vaya con dios.  Buen intento, amigo)

Well, there we have it.  With that Amazing count at 35 and the Journey count at 8 we head to Croatia for the top 8.  Thanks for your patience this week.  Until next week, please take care of yourselves.  If you need me, I’ll be getting the f*ck out.   DP


  1. As always, well worth the wait, Some Guy. My favorite this week was the "thespian" and "menstrual" paragraph. It made me laugh out loud. One thing- I thought it was Wolf/John that made the "macho dumbass" comment. I'd hate to have Kalon get the credit for such a brilliant and funny assessment. I could very well be wrong though! Thanks for hanging in there for us!
    Linda in Philly

  2. I liked the line about middle aged women and the Chris Harrison pool party. Funny mental image.
    BTW how do you get away with writing about how hot Emily is? Does your signif other ever get jealous?

  3. Worth the wait as usual! And your thoughts on the biological clock issue should DEFINITELY go in an off season post! I'm very curious!

    Thanks for hanging in there and writing another fabulous recap! Or should that be fapulous? It's hard to keep track...

  4. Kalon went to SMU? I guess he was too dumb to get into UT (let alone Rice), but too rich to just go to UH...figures...

    I loved the "Thesbian" bit. I cracked up at the bit about Doug's ex and poor son. Thanks for taking your time to make us all laugh!

  5. Just when I was buying into Ryan's jerkiness, he comes up with the 'not quite dead' to get another kiss during the group date....I'm surprised you didn't mention it DP. I thought it was ne of the few funny lines this week.

  6. I loved the recap, thanks! I particularly enjoyed the "thesbian" comments. Don't you think Arie looked like John Travolta dressed in drag a la Hairspray? Wow!

  7. Interesting takes on the men. I always enjoy perspective. As for the SLF getting jealous? She knows better than that. She tells me how hot she thinks dudes are all the time. She'll probably go see Magic Mike or whatever by herself and I'll have to listen to that forever. Incidentally, my response to her telling me how hot a guy is is usually, "He's no me." Jealously is a waste of time. Thanks for reading and commenting. DP

  8. This was pretty funny, especially the "menstraul" and "Thesbian" comments, haha! Hadn't noticed the white shirts vs. Kalon's black shirt. Very astute observation. It was wolf that made the witty dumb jock comment when they didn't get the rose by another name comment. Kalon just whined. And sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but Emily has already said she got rid of the "fantasy suite" dates. She wanted the show more about falling in love and less about sex and drama....which makes sense since you told us one of the big hang-ups she had was brad was that he still slept with Chantel in the fantasy suite when he'd already told Emily he was picking her. If she's taking this seriously at all, I can see her not wanting to repeat that drama in her upcoming engagement.

    Nice recap. By the way, I'd love an off-season post about what you love about Austin. My hub is getting a job there soon and I'd be interested in the inside scoop of what I"ve heard is a great place. THanks!

  9. Great recap DP! "He’s no Ames"....classic...loved it! Not too mention: "Arie proves that he is apparently functionally illiterate". I don't care much for Arie, so this observation made me laugh as well.

    I'm sure that some people will take this the wrong way, but I have to say it. Emily became so angry when someone called little Ricki "baggage". I have a daughter around Ricki's age and I would feel the same way if I was single and a suitor referenced my child that way. However, she needs to understand that many of these guys are in their 20's. Basically expecting them to be eager to start having children right away and commit to loving and raising a child that they never met is ludicrous. I have dated 2 women with a child when I was single. One child was great and if I had felt the same way about the her mother, who knows what could have been. However, the other gal had a child that was spoiled, loud and obnoxious. One week after meeting the child the gig was up and I ran for my life. I guess what I'm saying is that if Emily keeps referring to herself and Ricki as a "package deal" then she needs to give the guys a break and quit drilling them about being married, having kids immediately and being a good father to Ricki. If I were to get married at 26 yrs old the last thing I would have wanted to hear from my wife is that we need to start pumping out babies asap. Not mention asking me to commit to being a good father to Ricki before I've even had a chance to meet her. I mean, if she moves from NC then she gives up her money train, right? In other words, the lucky guy gets Emily (with no working or job experience) and a child show up requiring me to be financially responsible for them. That would have been a hard pill for me to swallow in my 20's. Being a good husband/father and a provider as well at 42 yrs old is hard enough. No way I could have married into that in my 20's. She is going to have to meet one very special young man that is very patient and unselfish. Hopefully, she still has some of the money she made for appearing on the Bachelorette. At least that will help cushion the financial impact for the "lucky guy".
    I agree that Kalon calling Ricki was mean and uncalled for, but Emily's situation is not exactly ideal for a young successful bachelor.
    That's my take....anyone agree?


    1. wow, very well put! i do understand what she is saying, but you're right - she is asking A LOT from young guys in their 20s! they may think they know what they want, and are willing to try, but until they get to know ricki, emily with ricki, and how they all interact together - nothing is for sure.

      ~princi in san francisco ;-)

  10. "The only thing this segment had in common with the actual Romeo & Juliet is that, it too, was a huge tragedy." Amen! That group date was hilariously awful. I loved your recap, DP, and didn't mind waiting a few days to get it.

    I think after this week I'm pulling for Jef to be the last man standing. He seems very genuine and ego-free. Sean seems great too, but I'm still waiting for him to exhibit some sort of personality.

    I do think it is odd that there haven't been any previews of the final rose ceremony. By now they usually have shown a shot of the Bachelor/Bachelorette standing in front the rose podium, waiting expectantly. It makes me wonder if perhaps the final episode will be different somehow.

  11. I can't believe you fast-forwarded! For shame.

  12. Great recap, as usual! And speaking of Austin throwing his baseball all by himself in his room, it is interesting to note that Tony, they guy who was sooooooo heartbroken about being away from his son that he had to leave, has signed up to be on the Bachelor Pad. I guess when he got home, he realized that his kid wasn't as big a deal as he thought he was.

  13. Thank you DP for having your balls juggled to get this post up! It's been quite a journey with Emily. She is far from the demure whispery girl we saw with Brad. It's nice to see her have some spunk and a big shout out to her to tell Kalon to get the F**K out but not before throwing his own words back at him to let her finish talking! Go Emily.
    Think Jef is growing on me now that I have seen them together. She is clearly smitten with him. Doubt any of these guys know what they are getting into to have an instant family but even for a young guy, Jef seems to have a pretty good head on his shoulders.
    Your thesbian lines were hilarious -how do you come up with this stuff? I will admit to fast forwarding through that whole deal cause of the lameness of it but I did see Kalon take this way too seriously-what a putz.

    Sal in Utah

  14. MH, I agree with your thoughts when applied to dating in the real world. Leading with "I want lots of babies!" doesn't seem like the ideal approach for any woman. But I think Emily's case is different.

    There's a native American legend that you are likely familiar with about an old rattlesnake who asks a young boy to carry him up a mountain. Once the boy completes the task, the rattlesnake bites him. When the boy asks why, the rattlesnake says, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." While I certainly don't think Emily is deceitful or venomous, the same principle seems to apply to her current situation. These men all knew who she was and what she was about before they signed on.

    I thought it was telling when Jef asked her where she sees herself in 1 year. Her answer was something like "Hopefully I'll have a boyfriend or a fiance or maybe a husband." She didn't say "I want to be pregnant." Part of me thinks she keeps bringing up taking on the responsibility of raising Ricki and having more kids just to weed out the guys who think they are ready, but perhaps are not.

    As far as whether a bachelor in his 20s is ready for that kind of responsibility, I think it depends on the man. I wouldn't expect all men to want that kind of life at that age, but if any of Emily's suitors feel that way, they only have themselves to blame for being on the show.

  15. Agreed in parts with both MH and Rebecca. It's a tough call and I don't think anyone is ready for being a parent until he/she IS actually a parent. The same goes for marriage. That belief is the reason I've made my "40 year old single people are single for a reason" comment in the past.

    If I was Jef, I'd start warming up for the Fantasy Suite right now. The stars are not likely to line up a shot like that for a very long time, if ever. DP

  16. A problem is the age of these guys. A seriously marriage-minded woman Emily's age should date a man of 30-32. Even though she is beautiful beyond belief, a woman Emily's age with a child Ricki's age will inevitably fit in the life of a man age 35-40 or so. Her beauty does not change this reality. The most likely guy for her to end up marrying off of this show is Chris Harrison. It was a disservice to not stack the show w/ professional men--they gave her none! I guess they thought she was not smart enough and would not appeal. That's wrong, a good man will marry her just because of her excessive beauty and be thrilled to have her as a trophy wife (she'll be happy to finally have a lot of kids)! My prediction--a professional man that's older than her is who she will end up w/ 1 yr after the show. DP is a good candidate, for crying out loud--not these goobers!

  17. Ok, I just said Emily won't find anyone from this show and needs to date a 35-40 yr-old professional (and I lied 'cause I really think she needs to go to 42), but I forgot the one exception.
    Mormon Jef could actually take on marrying a woman who says she "wants lots of kids" even though he is 27 or so 'cause that is the lot in life of Mormons and he doesn't think it is as strange as all of these other guys.

    1. 'Tis true! Even though Jef is obviously not a practicing Mormon, he has grown up in that culture. Being LDS myself, I can tell you that any Mormon guys past 30 that aren't married yet tend to have commitment issues,pornography issues, or depression. Most marry early to mid twenties and start families while in college. The men tend to go on missions ages 19-21 that have them come back being unbelievably mature for their age. They have taken on huge responsibilities that prepare them for both the professional world and responsibilities of family life. Even by 25, I can tell the difference between an LDS guy who served a mission and one who didn't without them telling me, just based on maturity level.

      I have to also say that I grew up in the south, and all of my religious Christian guy friends also married in their early 20's and started families, while my Mormon guy friends waited till upper 20's. I think it's not just Mormon's this is a norm for, but many men of a devout Christian faith.

  18. "not watching. The fact Kalon will ever be on any tv again makes me want to stab my eyeballs out with dull pencils." This is Emily's response on twitter to the news that Kalon is gonna be on Bachelor Pad 3. Geez sassy Southern Bell.

    To be honest I don't like that side of Emily. She tries to hard to be ladylike. very calculating move.

  19. 2:27 anon - agree with the Mormon comment, with one caveat: Mormons typically marry other Mormons, and unless Emily is willing to convert, I don't see that happening. Unless Jef is a non-practicing Mormon (or even a Mormon at all? Have we confirmed this, besides the fact that he lives in Utah?) - in which case, the multiple kids theory wouldn't hold up.

    -Girl in Seattle

    1. You are right, Emily would have to convert. I have assumed Jef was Mormon since his parents are bigwigs in the church, but I just Googled it and Wetpaint is only making an assumption too...I won't go farther than that to try to figure out if he's

    2. Jef does not appear to be a practicing mormon, though he does come from a mormon family. Still, the values he was likely taught as he grew up would appeal to Emily.

    3. Generally the only reason someone would want a potential spouse to "convert" to Mormonism would be to marry in their temples (you have to meet high moral standards for this, even if already a Mormon). Jef is obviously not an active member (he drinks, swears, etc.) and obviously wasn't intent on finding a Mormon girl to marry (or he wouldn't have gone on the show). He's about as Mormon as Michelle Money or Bentley was (again, all of them from LDS families but obviously do not associate themselves with the religion). That being said, he seems to come from a good family and I think is a fantastic individual (not only donating bottles of water, but installing wells in third-world countries in little towns with no clean water. Very cool)

  20. He's no me, hahahahaha. I'll have to steal that line next time Hubby drools over some broad.

  21. Mormons do tend to get married in their mid-twenties and want more than one or two kids. It is a value-based, family-centered religion. From what I can tell, Jef's family is mormon but he is not a practicing one. The most obvious "tell" being that he drinks alcohol and devout mormons do not.

    1. He also drops plenty of swear words, which again devout LDS peeps don't.

  22. Emily is no Mormon. If we agree about anything, that should be it. I doubt Little Ricki would take to kindly that that relocation. Whoever she picks better be ready to pack his bags and head to the airport rather than driving to the airport to help her with hers. DP

    1. Wow, she's kinda inflexible, then?
      DP, I just remembered seeing try-outs in Austin. I hope you spent your day there (remember, they picked the bass fisherman who was 40+ and he looked really old for his age while you look young for yours).

  23. Good recap, DP. MH I agree 100% with your assessment. Kalon was absolutely out of line with his name calling (which I don't think I heard him say verbatim--did they air that? but he didn't deny it when confronted....) but I have to wonder if he was that out of line with his thought process. Yes, he knew what he was getting into dating a single mother, but from where I sit, she's asking for complete and dedicated love and acceptance of her and the kid, a kid that none of them have even met! I am sure she is a wonderful child but I have to wonder if Mommy is even going to let the final 2 guys meet Ricki along with other members of her family, on the last few dates. What if the kid doesn't like the guy? Has anyone thought of that? Children have a mind of their own and usually don't hide their feelings. I'm single, no kids and although I am definitely open to dating someone with a child, I think that no-one, not even a parent, could deny that a non-parent dating someone who has kids is more complicated than a non-parent dating someone who has never had kids. They're not in the same place/understanding of the challenges of parenting. Is Kalon is the first guy to ever say "geez I had always imagined that when I had my first kid it would be my biological kid." ? That's a fair statement, I think 90% of the world probably imagines becoming a parent in the Beaver Cleaver way, it just doesn't work out perfectly all the time. I bet some of the other guys are thinking it, but had the foresight to keep it to themselves. Is Emily expecting a PROPOSAL at the end of this gig unrealistic? Is it even smart? Nice girl I hope it works out. I also hope he's really rich, those are some 'spensive Louboutins she's been sporting on her free clothes budget!

  24. I will start by saying you impress me every week with your quick wit, but this week more than ever because you knew what a Pashmina was! :) Lots of favorite lines from you this week but the "cock tail" party and space bar quip was pretty funny. Oh yeah, and the whole "thesbian" paragraph. Hilarious!!! I would like to go on record as saying that I have been pulling for One-F Jef since the first night and hope he gets the final rose. Sean is great too but I agree with the person above that commented that he needs to start showing a bit more personality. Until then, my money is still on Jef! Thanks for the laughs today! Until next week...

    Rose in OC

  25. Holy crap. My abs are sore from laughing so much. Loved the whole Shakespeare part. You are hilarious and made my day.

  26. I live in Charlotte and I don't see Emily giving up the Hendrick-provided way of life. Also, I don't see the Hendricks willingly allowing Ricki to move across the country. The family is very private and I'm not sure that they are enjoying this attention. Not only did they lose their son in the plane crash, but Mr. Hendrick lost his brother, 2 nieces and several friends. He has also battled leukemia. They are philanthropists and extremely kind to the city of Charlotte and surrounding areas. Emily's "job" as an event planner at the children's hospital is because of them. And it's not like she's showing up and stuffing envelopes. She probably picks out some flowers, points to where things should go and shows up in a pretty dress on event night. She has always been pretty low-key and demure when I see her at Starbucks or the pedi place. And she's a good, very-involved mom. Some of my friends' kids go to school with little Ricki. I would be shocked if she moved to another city. I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer but I can't help but think about the Hendrick family while watching the show.

  27. so what i don't get is that they make this huge deal about "the kalon situation", but never actually aired it! if it really happened and caused emily to tell him to get the f*uck out then where's the scene with him saying it? something's not making sense to me.

    jef definitely upped his game this week, but i do not see the two of them together.emily is always commenting on how muscular and "hot" so-and-so is. she likes big, beefy guys. jef is not. maybe that will be the surprise, who knows. sean just seems much more her "type" from all the comments she's made about the physical appearance of men. and sean, compared to ryan, is nice :-)

    arie and his "i missed you" and mushy kisses, bugs.

    that whole shakespeare thing was so painful! your line "Having this bunch come to Stratford on Avon and act out Romeo & Juliet is like having the Queen of England come to a union hall in Jersey and give a Hoffa speech." made me laugh so hard! good one.

    and what was with ryan giving her a necklace?? first a 40-page love letter and then a necklace. wth? and his scarves? he's a trip!

    two funny lines about "the kalon situation" you didn't mention are when emily said she wanted to go all west virginia, hood rat, back woods on his ass!! LOL!! and when she was telling jef how mad she was and how she was about to take her earrings out to give it to kalon! girlfriend has definitely been in a few fights if the first thing she's thinking about is taking out her earrings!

    and some guy, thanks for taking so much time with your posts! you seem to be a very busy man and your efforts are appreciated :-) good laughs as always.

    and for the record, i will definitely be going to see magic mike. alone. the day it opens. LOL! good luck with hearing all about it from the significant other ;-)

    ~princi in san francisco

  28. DP, you're awesome! I really appreciate your writing despite your busy schedule. My favorite lines this week were the softball team, Alejandro's experience as an understudy, and "For never was there a segment of more woe/Than this which Emily could not let go.”

    MH, I agree with a lot of what you said. Of course, finding a husband/father on a reality show is not the brightest idea to me. I think a lot of these guys come on the show just to get in the Bachelor family for the reunion hookups.

    My favorites are still Jef & Sean. I was disappointed in the lack of knowledge a lot of the guys showed this week.

    Denise in Alabama

  29. The Doug lines are all so very good.

    (He CLEARLY needed a hug)

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  31. Hey London fan base! I will be in your fair city in October. Perhaps we should have a meet and greet, without DP, and raise a toast in his honor!?

  32. Lauren, I'm glad you spit your tea and crumpets or whatever all over your computer screen. It's always good to hear from you. Beware of aggressive "thesbians" over there. Oh, and hook up with Heather if you can. She ALWAYS picks up the bar tab. DP

    HM, see you in July in Vail. I'm counting the days. DP

    1. Very funny, DP...very funny. Bikes are primed and ready. I'm posting a picture of you on the pink Yeti!

  33. Oh come on, Dallas isn't that bad. There are a fair share of DB's, but i saw extremely questionable fashion on my last trip to Austin. I cannot defend SMU & Kalon.
    I am with your SLF on Magic Mike, Channing w/o a shirt is enough reason to see what is bound to be a rather stupid movie.

  34. If Emily is serious about finding a husband, she needs to allow these men to express and discuss their (very valid) feelings and fears about becoming a stepparent. As much as you love a person, it's a very serious undertaking and it can be scary. There's an already firmly established family culture, and you're essentially an outsider trying to fit in. These guys need to stop blowing sunshine up her bum and start asking some challenging questions of their own. And when they do, she needs to discuss these issues without being defensive and expecting blind devotion. Qustions like: How do you see me fitting into your family? What is my role with regard to Ricky? How will discipline be handled? How will you "have my back" if Ricky lashes out at my intrusion on your very exclusive club of two?

  35. anon, If you like Dallas, God bless you. Like Austin, it's not for everyone. The good news is that it's still in Texas. I'm just picking on it because I can. As far as Channing Tatum is concerned, I think he's the Campbell Scott of 2012. Remember that guy? Exactly. Google him. You'll be doing the same thing to Channing in the near future. Enjoy the movie, though.

    Butters, valid points but I think you're putting the cart before the horse. Seems to me that a lot of these guys young and "old" are not even ready for a committed, serious relationship without camera present much less taking on a child. It's a TV show and I doubt this will spell forever happiness for Emily and, alas, for Little Ricki. Oh, the humanity. DP

  36. Heather, happy to do so! ... First time to London?

  37. I enjoyed your recap DP! Very witty as usual!
    Im a reader from Canada, and we have roots to "London Town" so i laughed out loud to all your "english" comments.

    I love the fact that someone else noticed Aarie's resemblence to John Travolta while he was dressed as a nurse for the r&j play!!! it totaly weirded me out. Isnt it appropo that Aarie's JT resemblance only surface once he was "in drag!!"

    As for Emily and all her trenches and gloves. Well, very demure and classy look. Very London.
    However, did anyone else notice her ORANGE hands!!! I mean, i love me some fake bake too, but that girl has taken it to the next level! just because her tans are "free" as we all know, im sure they are covered by ABC...
    Im thinking the gloves we're a clever prop used to cover her nic stained knuckles. I mean, overly tanned knuckles.
    lol. Sweet lovely girl, i loved her spunk this week! i felt it was about f'ing time Kalon left!

    Jef is cute, and i will speak from experience that just because a man is younge, doesnt mean he cant take on a woman and her child & transition into family life & love them unconditionally.
    I married my husband when I was 25 and he was 23. I have a son (form a previous relationship)who was 3 when we married.
    We have been happily married for 5 yrs & still going strong, and he loves my son as his own.

    These younge guys signed up for the gig KNOWING she has a child... they must all want to be a parent figure... or atleast are up for the challenge of trying.

    Go Em! i hope she finds a keeper! and ditches the tanner.
    As for Ryan... not a keeper, tons of self love from that guy, but i did love his extra kiss & "not quite dead" comment. he layed off the schmooze this week, and I ACTUALLY found myself smiling at a few of his comments. DP, you mentioned Emily falling for him termporarily in her current "weakened mental state" maybe its her current weakened "menstral state" oy! She really seemed emotional this week, and not just cause of the "Kalon Situation" Im a gal, i can speak from the heart on this subject....

    Some Guy, i continue to wait with baited breath every week for your re-cap... loves!

    Lauren - Ontario, CAN

  38. Even tho' the tabs are all saying Emily is engaged,I don't think it's any of the guys on the show. I'm sicking to my guns and still think it's Chris Harrison!!! (Unless you're holding out on us DP).

  39. DP- great post! I find it very interesting that the comments are so serious (Mormonism, parenting, etc.). We are watching The Bachelorette, aren't we?
    I actually couldn't stand your girl until this season. I respect her more now for sure.
    I have to admit that I too was zipping through and I guess I missed a funny line that I'm wondering if you missed too. Did she really say she'd "go all West Virginia hoodrat on his ass"? My friend and hubby (shhhh) both quoted it to me the following day and I wasn't sure which bumpkin cult they had joined together. Alas, 'twas the Cult of Emily. :)
    And I agree that the Hendricks aren't letting Ricki go ANYWHERE! If they go to Utah, it will be to get his shit.

  40. Confession: I fast forwarded.

    Epic. We all do, my friend, we all do. Also fast backward to hear the insane stuff again. Well done and a nice ready no matter what the day of the week.

  41. you r a'favorite' and we do need u!