Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 9: Banger Isn't a City in Maine

Hello, Readers. Welcome back to this week’s installment of our least favorite, favorite show. Of course, in spite of the abhorrent bore that this season has become, we have reason to be excited this week. After all, it’s Fantasy Suite week and this is the episode that gives rampant promiscuity a bad name. We all know to expect more banging than an accidentally lit bag of fireworks and I, for one, couldn’t wait to see who won the worst in bed contest and got sent home this week.

Before we get down to brass tacks, I wanted to send this week’s shout out to my friends Adam and Gretchen in Sausalito, California. You see, Some Guy went off the grid for 4 days last week and they were gracious enough to open their beach house and their home despite the hoards of fans following my every move. Security was tight and, like Ames, I had to sneak in the back door, but I managed.

No phone, no email, and wonderful company for 4 glorious days. It was very liberating. Despite the beauty of Marin County and the incredible views in Napa and Sonoma, I always find joy in being back in Austin, Texas. You’ll all be happy to know that I plan to incorporate my new found wine knowledge into this week’s entry.

Finally, I wanted to address a person named “Jel” who commented on one of my earlier posts that he/she “has a strong intuition that I’m gay.” Thanks for commenting, Jel, but you need to have your strong intuition examined. The reason this blog works is precisely because I’m not gay. However, if I were gay, I’d be good at it. I’m just sayin’. With that out of the way, let’s get to it.

Again, I want to reiterate that this is my favorite show of the season and, despite Mr. Obama’s poorly timed speech, I actually enjoyed every minute of it. We began, as we always do, with sweeping shots of this week’s exotic location, Savusavu, Fiji. The root “savu” is, of course, from an ancient Fijian dialect meaning “to indiscriminately fornicate with a man one hardly knows.” We would soon find out why it’s repeated twice in the name.

After arriving to Fiji in “her” sea plane Ashley takes solace in the remaining days before her possible potential contingent engagement . . . maybe. She “educates” us concerning Fiji’s island status before wandering aimlessly amongst the flora and fauna in her Minnie Mouse outfit preparing herself to be thrice deflowered like a South Asian rice patty during the Vietnam War.

She primps, reflects, and “soooo impour-ants” every aspect of her “relationships” with the remaining men as we are treated to various versions of her smoky eyes and spray tans throughout the season. Ashley is so boring, I found myself falling asleep halfway through her name. I almost resorted to splashing the remaining ounces of Lone Star in my bottle onto my face; however, I managed to remain focused.

As she’s recording her “per-facts” and “impour-ants” in her fake diary—perhaps she was just coloring—a knock at the door brings a big, cheesy surprise. After slowly walking like Frankenstein across the grounds of the resort due to the fact that he was mired in heavy denial, Ryan, of all people, knocks on the Tatadra Suite where Ashley has resorted to Kegels in preparation for her big dates. “Tatadra” apparently means “Dream House,” which, of course, is a loose translation from Fijian to English. In Spanish, for instance, it means “Fun Hole.” Annnyyyhooo . . . .

In an espousal of revisionist history not seen since Oliver Stone’s JFK, Ryan pretends that he and Ashley have unresolved love issues in addition to pretending that his end game doesn’t entail an invitation from ABC to be the next Bachelor. Ashley “mmmm, mmmm’s” him to death while chewing on her face before Ryan drops, “so I called Chris” in order to come back to Fiji.

Hell yes, Harrison can make that happen. He was probably glad to step outside of whatever after party he left to take that call at 4 a.m. while Ryan was sitting atop his windmill in Southern California crying like a p*ssy about getting kicked to the curb. These people need Dr. Jamie. Then again, psychology is the art of attempting to correct your faults by discussing your parents’ shortcomings. Some people have psychiatrists. I have Austin, Texas and a mountain bike. Perhaps Ryan can find the clarity he needs while taking a water-heaterless shower back in San Diego.

After putting on her thinkin’ real hard face, Ashley attempts to get her mind around the fact that she’s now going to have to bang four guys in three days assuming Harrison and that fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her s*it after she got booted out of the mansion don’t want a courtesy shot at her. She dismisses Ryan with a promise to “think about it” and immediately calls the Concierge to double the amount of cranberry juice in her minibar. (Yes, I just wrote that.)


As Ashley walks along the dock in her red bikini top and her white wrap around, Ben arrives in his orange shirt and top siders ready to commence the Fantasy Date. Getting the first of the Fantasy Dates is tantamount to having the lowest number at a lunch hour deli: Everyone behind you is envious and you’re certain to get the freshest meat.

They board a giant boat for their “water date” and talk frankly and romantically on the bow of the Belemare which, of course, means “beautiful rash” in Fijian, as Ashley laments the loss of the flower in her hair almost as much as she’ll lament the loss of her cherry when the rum and sun exhaustion wear off after the big night. You know what they say, Ashley. Que Sarong Sarong. I wouldn’t call her easy, but the truth is that this broad has been in more hotel rooms on this show than Gideon’s Bible.

I love that joke. Back to the date.

Ashley busts Ben’s balls a bit before suggestively rubbing oil all over him and using “flirtatiousness” when she means “flirtation.” Ben performs a cursory breast exam on Ashley before returning the oil rubbing favors. After all, one can never be too safe and based upon Ashley’s less-than-ample bosom, it was a short examination.

Lump free, they snorkel, share their feelings, and admire Ben’s Tetris video game themed bathing suit. Did anyone else notice that the usual 12 string Spanish guitar music that plays subtly in the background on these dates was replaced this week by the Victory at Sea soundtrack? Odd. Perhaps Esteban was double booked.

The couple wash up and dress up before arriving at the Namale Resort. You know what they say. Here today, gone Namale. Ashley arrives in her yellow and blue tie dye full length casual cotton dress thing and, in a remarkable twist, sports no eye shadow to match. Ben arrives looking like a gay version of Robinson Crusoe in a silky, see through, v-neck sweater clearly left behind by Ames when he left the mansion last week. To top it all off, he actually tucked it in to his khaki pants. Did he leave his balls in the Far East? Good Lord.

Ben asks Ashley if he can push her chair in; which I found ironic, because if things continued to progress he’d probably be asking her if he could push her stool in later in the evening. (Pause. Re-read. Put yourself in my head. Now, get the joke). Oblivious, Ashley stuffs her face and as the Fivehead makes a rare appearance, they discuss “the whole I love you thing” before Ashley anxiously and unapologetically tears open the Fantasy Suite Card and leaves her fork spinning in mid-air like freaking Daffy Duck running from Elmer Fudd and exits the screen on her way to the Fantasy Suite with Ben.

In honor of Ben’s chosen profession and my trip to Napa and Sonoma last week, I’d like to describe the goings on in the Fantasy Suite in terms of a fine wine tasting. Here goes:

Ben and Ashley’s relationship has produced a particularly complex and complete expression of delusional love. Combining bright, lifted red fruit elements with darker, more extracted layers, their depth was on display in the aromatics, where notes of Asian spice and Fijian promiscuity were supported by a subtle streak of earthiness. The lovemaking was both velvety and balanced, with lush flavors of voluptuous cherries, black currants, and Ben’s fine, toasty oak.

On the palate, Ashley was supple and compelling, yet dainty and medium-bodied with velvety, well-integrated bowed legs that supported a long finish. The evening was both sumptuous and sophisticated, offering a robust, powerful structure with a rich entry that segued to a long, lingering finish.

Ahh, the Fantasy Suite. The best things in life are free, aren’t they? It’s been said that there’s nothing better than going to bed with a glass of warm milk and a good book. However, for Ashley, a cold bottle of wine and the closest available male will do. I think we all know what the “F” in “Ben F.” stands for now. Nice work, Ben. Congrats on getting that done. I hope it was “per-fact.”


Sporting inexplicably tiny black shorts and a Tanya Roberts circa 1985 midriff shirt, Ashley ignores the soreness in her legs and awaits Constantine for a big run and hug in a field. She’s so skinny that if she walked unaccompanied into a pool hall she’d likely have her head chalked. She’s always looking for a meaningful one night stand and Constantine doesn’t disappoint as he arrives looking Greek and horny.

They “special moment” each other and she pretends she never took a helicopter ride with Brad before boning him in a South African cabana last season and it became abundantly clear to me that Constantine was less into her than he was in the previous weeks.

As a forlorn (and cheesy) Ryan mopes amongst the seaweed on the beach lamenting the presence of the hot water heater in his free suite, Constantine enjoys piggy backing Ashley under the Bouma Falls of Taveuni Island as she makes poor attempts to rationalize Constantine’s “slow progress” in their “relationship.”

Progress? Calling that progress is like saying that it’s progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork. “He doesn’t like you!” I yelled at my screen after sipping Lone Star number whatever and hitting the pause button in search of a full beer. What a dunce.

Ignorant of the fact that coconut is a natural laxative, Ashley stuffs a bunch of it in her face as she questions Constantine about looking at 108 houses before deciding on which one to buy. “Houses are not like women,” he responds, clearly annoyed and ready to get the hell out of Fiji.

“Houses are not like women?” Oh, I don’t know about that, Constantine. Let’s see. They cost a lot, look better with new coat of paint every 10 years, the maintenance is all your problem, and if you don’t take care of it you’re likely to come home and find the pool boy in it. I’d say there are a lot of similarities.

Regardless, Constantine and Ashley head to Iwannalottapoontang Island for dinner and as she brings up her one night stand with his doppelganger, Constantine tells her in no uncertain terms that she’s a pain in his ass.

Wallowing deeper in denial than Ryan in seaweed, Ashley asks, “so where does this leave us,” before stuffing some fruit in her face. Constantine drops the “I respect you too much to bang you even though I deserve it for putting up with you for two months” speech and is eventually forced to abruptly end the date, and alas, their “relationship.” He even invoked the specter of her absent, alcoholic father; however, that memory is tucked away tighter than a transvestite’s junk in Ashley’s memory bank and it didn’t bring a reaction. Unfazed, Ashley continued to stuff her face as the reality that she’d been dumped slowly seeped behind her curtain of bangs and into the dense skull behind the Fivehead.

Free at last, Constantine bounds from the table like Errol Flynn on the deck of a pirate ship leaving the ABC cameraman and his fixed tripod to fend for himself and quickly packs his bags in search of the nearest sea plane. Ashley broods table side and finishes stuffing her face before heading back to the suite to decide if she’s going to bang Ryan and J.P. or just J.P. No wonder she’s bowlegged.

Props to Constantine, by the way. The guy was consistently honest and articulate all season. That “I respect you too much to sleep with you when I don’t love you” speech will give him all kinds of street cred back in Cumming, Georgia and that’s exactly what he’ll be doing a lot of when he runs through the female wait staff at Giorgio’s as soon as he gets home.

I’ll give the guy credit. Considering the fact that the only place most men want depth in a woman is in her cleavage, Constantine showed rare restraint. Granted, he wasn’t attracted to her, but he had a sure thing and turned it down. After all, sex without love is an empty experience. Then again, it’s pretty good as far as empty experiences go. At the end of the day, Constantine realized that Ashley is not the type of woman who should be carelessly tossed aside. Rather, she should be thrown forcefully. Solid work, Constantine.


Realizing she’s the first Bachelorette to literally be dumped mid-Fantasy Date, Ashley bow leggeds over to Ryan’s suite because she now has “soooo much clarity.” Ignoring the fact that she’s literally called J.P., Constantine, Ben, and Ames “per-fact guys” who have “exactly what she’s looking for” in a man, she says the exact same sh*t about Ryan before addressing their “pre-mah-ta-yoooor” goodbye, dumping him all over again, and making him cry like the pansy that he is. Thanks for coming out, Douchebag. We’ll see you on the next Bachelor (let’s hope not) and if that doesn’t work out, we’ll see you on Bachelor Pad 3. Go get some flying lessons and a cargo pilot’s license.


Ben Franklin once observed that glass, china, and reputation are things that are easily cracked and are never well mended. I suppose Ashley forgot her copy of the Ben Franklin Reader’s Digest Edition on the sea plane or perhaps she spilled cranberry juice on it. Then again reputation is nothing more than what a person hasn’t been caught doing yet. In short, if you’re going to sleep around, national television is probably not the best place to do it.

Regardless, Ashley dons her jean shorts and her Pocahontas (or is it “Poke-a-hon-tis”) shirt as she and her midriff await J.P. in anticipation of a sea plane ride to Naiwannanailya Island. Ashley reflects back upon her time with J.P. and recalls that he’s “been her rock” all season. Well, I suppose she meant with the exception of when Ben was “her rock” on his spontaneous overnight visit and also 48 hours before her date with J.P., but perhaps I’m splitting hairs.

They travel “alone” to a “secluded” island and frolic in the sea while fawning all over each other. He’s clearly in love with Ashley in a way that the others—not even Ben—are in love. It probably doesn’t hurt that the last time J.P. was inside a woman, he was visiting the Statute of Liberty, but it is exactly what it is.

They frolic some more and he carefully guards his worries about her poontanging around the island with his buddies before she tells him she didn’t close the deal with Constantine or Ryan.

Somewhat relieved by that revelation but still picturing Ben’s bold, rich entry segueing into a long, lingering finish, J.P. assures Ashley that he’s not trying to win “like guys trying to beat each other.” Of course, Ames was the only one trying to beat all of the guys, but that’s neither here nor there.

With that out of the way, they take Harrison up on his written invitation to the Fantasy Suite and we’re happy to learn that the housekeeping staff had the presence of mind to put on new sheets and throw pillows after Ben’s long, lingering finish 48 hours earlier. J.P. waits anxiously as Ashley retires to lose her tiny black cocktail number and don her Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep shirt made famous on this show by Jillian Harris. The cameras pan out and J.P. undoubtedly panned in for a hot plate of sloppy seconds as Ben slept comfortably and quietly in his suite.


Looking refreshed and tanned in his pale lavender shirt and dark suit, Harrison resets the last two hours and nods knowingly as Ashley pretends that Constantine left because they were moving too slow instead of the fact that she’s a marginally attractive, high maintenance, insecure pain in the ass without a clue what she wants in life. Details.

Ashley broods in her pearl sparkled short dress in the Lair of Seclusion and eventually awards J.P. and Ben their roses and they chose to accept them. I’m guessing we missed the “how was it?” awkward conversation they had while waiting for Ashley to quit talking to Harrison.

Well, there it is. With the Journey count making an astounding recovery at 27 and the Amazing count at a respectable, albeit annoying, 85 we head to some other Fijian island where we’ll undoubtedly see the sister vs. judgey sister showdown next week before Ashley makes her big choice. Keep in mind that the Reunion Show is on this Sunday. I’ll probably keep my normal Tuesday posting schedule, but will update Facebook and the blog site if I get the time to write on Sunday. As always, thanks for hanging in there this season. Until next time, if you need me I’ll be searching for a see through sweater to tuck into my khaki pants.  Oh, and I thought this b*tch was a dentist.   DP


  1. I can't believe we didn't get a "I thought this bi*&# was a dentist. Loved the wine references! Also loved in Spanish, it means fun hole. Great recap this week. Be sooo glad when this bore of a season is over! Tina in Alabama

  2. Tina, Good point. I've edited accordingly. See above. DP

  3. So witty this time. And thank you for the clarification "think like me and reread." That helped and I really laughed.

    I love this show for all the drama I don't have to deal with.

  4. "Security was tight and, like Ames, I had to sneak in the back door, but I managed." Classic.

    If Ryan is the next Bachelor, I honestly don't know if I can watch. He's such a freakin tool and I might have to rely on you and Lincee to keep me in the loop next season.

    "...immediately calls the Concierge to double the amount of cranberry juice in her minibar". I'm dying! Absolutely dying. That is good advice though; she probably should have done that.

    Ben would probably be asking if he could push her stool in later??? Holy crap (pun intended), you are too much. That might be my new favorite line ever.

    I love that Ashley has had three guys leave on her this season. A record, no? Props to Constantine for not sticking around when he knew it wasn't right. He dodged a bowlegged bullet for sure.

    I thought it was so heinous of Ashley to tell JP that she said goodbye to two guys that week. That was just a bitchy way to put it considering that as far as JP knew, there were only two other guys and he probably thought he had it in the (ho)bag then and there.

    Great recap, DP. One of my favorites so far, and that's saying something!

  5. So funny - "After putting on her thinkin’ real hard face" was the one I had to get up and close my door at work for....

    PS - I think you meant brass tacks - not brass tax...
    Sirkka J

  6. Some Guy, your naughtily delicious humor rocks!

    I must confess some of your comments bring out the "junior high" in me: “Ben asks Ashley if he can push her chair in; which I found ironic, because if things continued to progress he’d probably be asking her if he could push her stool in later in the evening.” (Are you sure you weren't STILL confusing Ben with his Greek doppelganger?)

    Also, when I read such such spot-on remarks as "She dismisses Ryan with a promise to “think about it” and immediately calls the Concierge to double the amount of cranberry juice in her minibar," I can't help but wonder: Are you a WOMAN, or did you watch every episode of Sex in the City and learn all our secrets???!


  7. DP...great as usual. Jessica posted my favorate quotes... Can't wait for your recap of the reunion show.
    Paula K

  8. Though I prefer hometown visits over the fantasy suite episode, my mind is apparently in the muck with DP's, because I needed no pause or prompting to understand the "stool" joke. Uh oh.

    Very funny recap! I especially loved the cran juice in the minibar crack and wine references for Ben's sleepover. But given JP's job and Ashley's alleged profession, I was expecting some cracks about drilling, nailing, screwing, tunnels, canals, pipes, jackhammers, blowtorches, hammers, etc. Unlike Ashley, are you saving
    yourself for next week? :)

    As for Constantine's departure, does anyone think his friendship with Ben might have contributed to his decision to bow out gracefully?

  9. Indeed I did mean "brass tacks". Nice catch. See, even Some Guy makes a mistake every now and then. Thanks for noticing! DP

  10. Lots to love in this post, including Ben's fine, toasty oak, the stool, the cranberry juice, and the island names!!! naiwannalaya ... :)
    And -- Getting the first of the Fantasy Dates is tantamount to having the lowest number at a lunch hour deli: Everyone behind you is envious and you’re certain to get the freshest meat. Ha!
    I couldn't listen to the show last nite as I had stuff to take care of that required me to be on the phone. Considered taping it, but instead I just left it on and glanced up once in awhile. Figured I'd get a better recap here anyway, and again you didn't disappoint!
    I'm actually looking forward to Bachelor Pad to watch jerk Jake and Vienna have at it. I hope his temper flares regularly to show what an ass he really is. (did you see him yell at his DWTS partner when he didn't know the camera was on him? ass.) And there are three guys from Ashley's season who are going to be on. I really hope Tim is one of them. He'd be fun.
    Clare from NJ

  11. dp2,

    I thought about that, too, but think there were more important factors for him. I think it really matters to him to be the person his family and fellow townspeople view him as being. He knew that whatever he said and did would be viewed by all of them on national TV and would be noisily discussed and debated by all of them. They -- and what they think of him -- matter to him much more than anything else. Any woman he ends up with will face a challenge given the strength of that existing set of bonds. At the very least, it would help if she's "Greek" (with family preferably having come from the same part of Greece), and from Cumming, GA or not far from there.

    Also, Constantine did have a bit of a stubborn streak, and she was needling him a lot. Not surprising it helped trigger an escape reflex rather than romantic vibes in him.


  12. Clare, the three guys from this season who will be on Bachelor Pad have been announced: Blake, William, and Ames. Can't wait to see if Blake has a personality, if William still thinks he's funny, and if Ames makes it out alive.

    Loved the recap! In addition to all the aforementioned quotes, I'll add this as a favorite: "...Harrison resets the last two hours and nods knowingly as Ashley pretends that Constantine left because they were moving too slow instead of the fact that she’s a marginally attractive, high maintenance, insecure pain in the ass without a clue what she wants in life. Details."

  13. DP-you rock today! I was laughing out loud so much with all your double entendres and such!

    Who else noticed that with Ben, Ashley had no makeup or silly false eyelashes on? It's almost like she is the most comfortable with him to let him see the real her. I am guessing that the use of extra cranberry juice came in handy cause it's a sure bet Ashley was "Savusavuing" with both Ben and JP. And if she wasn't then she wasted a perfectly good teeny tiny bikini with Ben and the Jacqueline Bissett in The Deep white sheer shirt complete with black panties with JP.

    And who thought JP looked shell shocked when Ashley told him she sent 2 guys home? I couldn't tell if he was thinking YES it's me she picked or OH SH.T -it's me she picked.

    And if they aren't setting us up to see Ryan as the next Bachelor, I will be very surprised. That is so transparent. Sure, he called OHCH to say he wanted to see Ashley again!

    Thanks once again DP for making such a snooze fest of a season hilarious in your recaps. You do Texas proud (that's where I grew up)

    Sal in Utah

  14. Thanks for the edit DP. Tina in AL

  15. DP, you cranberry comment had me remembering an "off-season" post about that subject! You are always right on and whoever said you were gay must be smoking something. I am sure Derek and the boys wish you were in fact gay! Can't wait for next week. I think you need to do two posts...one on the MTA and one on the finale.
    Kim in Nevada

  16. Jcjc, Very interesting take on Constantine. I thought he withdrew because he didn't have feelings for Ashley and knew that Ben did, but I can see that he'd also be concerned about public perception/discussion of a sleepover date. The interruption of their talk by the President actually heightened what little drama there was in this episode.

    Other than the fight between the sisters, the only remaining drama, in my mind, is whether Ben F or Ryan will be the next Bachelor.

    DP, we'll understand if you lack time to recap Men Tell All, but I'm still hoping for two posts next week (finale plus ATFR).

  17. "....however, if I were gay. I'd be good at it. I'm just sayin'" :):) I'm sure you would be Some Guy. You seem to be a guy that gives it your all. Though I never would of guessed you for gay :) Of course, I think Ames is straight too :)

    Loved your comments on the roots of all words and the wine comparisons. Too funny.

  18. Per-factly hilarious !

  19. I've read your recaps for the past few seasons -- and have loved them all! -- but this is my first time to post. HILARIOUS!!! I'm not gonna quote my favs cause there are too many!!! Easily my favorite recap!!

    And I've never thought you were gay. In fact, I live in Austin and have thought on more than one occasion that it would be fun to meet you (where "meet" falls somewhere between simply meeting and a fantasy suite date).

  20. DP, you are the Edith Wharton of the blogosphere. Your witty and literate recaps offer the ultimate social commentary. Love it, though I'm sure I shouldn't.
    Some mom in Newton.

  21. Good Lord. The Edith Wharton of the blogosphere. Surely, this is more exciting than The House of Mirth? Nonetheless, I appreciate your thoughtful comment. DP

  22. Wow...that was a funny post. I might need a shower after the "stool" joke, but overall hilarious. My favorite line that got me laughing as I envisioned it was: "She’s so skinny that if she walked unaccompanied into a pool hall she’d likely have her head chalked." Oh, and Ben's Tetris shorts - HA!

  23. DP, I loved the Ben fantasy suite described in wine terms! It was the best!! You're so creative :)
    So I have to say that I was most annoyed when Ashley lied to JP, saying that she and Constantine both decided there was nothing there. She did the same thing when she told him about Bentley...saying that after he came back, they both decided to move on after getting closure or whatever.
    I have to say that I loved her long dress that she wore the evening of Ben's date. I personally thought it made her look sexy in her own way. Also, although I love to pick Ashley apart along with everyone else, I truly think she is a cute girl. Aside from the fivehead, she has very feminine facial features that I think are really pretty :)
    Does anyone else get distracted by watching JP's bulging temporal artery?? Drives me nuts.

  24. hartamber, I'd admit it of it were true bit I just don't find her attractive. The cheerleader diction and rampant insecurity obscures any redeeming physical qualities and I literally find none from the neck up. I'll have to respectfully disagree there. As for JP, I think Ashley had a different bulging artery in mind last night. Thanks for commenting. It's always good to see your name. DP

  25. HartAmber-it made me laugh that the bulging temporal artery drives you crazy! I do enjoy your responses to this ridiculous show.

    DP-you are a silly one! This has to be one of my favorite recaps ever. So d.mn funny. The addition of " I thought this b$tch was a dentist as the final line was

    I have been watching this show for nine years and find it so entertaining. The cringeworthy moments keep me watching. It's the wreck you can't help but rubberneck. Dating in one's twenties is hard enough... why people choose to humliate themselves on national tv is a question mark but it is intriguing and keeps me watching. At the end of the day this show makes me thankful I'm not in my twenties and that I have a group of gals to watch it with over laughs, snacks, and wine. Some of my best memories are of me and my gal friends blurting out the obnoxious and having to hit the pause button because we're laughing so hard someone is crying.

    Derek and the Boys from S Beach- thanks for your commentary on Ames and Ben last week. I hadn't thought Ben could be persuaded to change sides but now that you mention it... Also every time I read "Derek and the boys from South Beach I hear a mans voice introducing you guys as a band. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Derek and the Boys from S Beach!!!" I also like the band name Derek and the Cuban Missle Crisis :-) You guys are great.

    DP. Thank you for burning the midnight oil for your readers. The laughs are great. You are one in a gazillion.

    Texas Tea

  26. DP, a better literary comparison might be Jane Austen, who also chronicled dating and mating and shares your nom de plume (or computer)!

    Texas Tea, you are so spot on. I think we all love Derek and the Boys and believe that DP is the best Bach blogger of them all. But if you haven't read some of his off-season posts, you don't know what you've been missing. Check them out!

  27. so I sat there on Monday watching and I mused that perhaps there is a changing American language developing in which "Ashely/Brad and I's relationship" is somehow grammatically correct.


  28. LOVED the recap! Too many laugh out loud comments to count. You're on a roll, DP!

  29. I stumbled upon this blog a few weeks ago and I have to say it's amaaazing! It was a journey googling and sorting through 'Bachelorette Recaps', but I'm so happy with what I found since it's exactly what I've been looking for.

    To describe in wine terms - slightly snarky with well rounded humor that leaves you delightfully lightheaded. Parfect.

    Guyinaustin I have a special request. I will soon be moving to your city which you 'always find joy in'. Aww. Perhaps you could write an 'Austin Favorites' list? Or if any fellow commenters could chime in I'd appreciate any recommendations :)

  30. Girlinchicago, email me dp010835@gmail.com and I'll be happy to send you se suggestions. I love it here. I could be the mayor. DP

  31. Thanks for the shout out, Texas Tea....you are so sweet. I'll tell the boys you said hello as well. I'm so glad someone agreed with me on Ben. I'm convinced that he's a little queen in disguise. By the way, DP.....I loved it when you compared Ben to a gay Robinson Crusoe. Me and the boys were laughing and giggling so hard that we were reduced to tears. My friend Demetri read that one out loud from his iPhone and screamed, "OMG...Some guy did not just say that!!" By the way...me and the boys would love to hear more about your trip to Northern California. I just love that part of the country.

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys

  32. OMG you cracked me up each & every week. You & Lincee are the best recappers ever !! :)

  33. DP2-I'm a such a geek. I found DPs blog about six months ago when the click count was around 173k page visits. (from a reference on IHGB) I do enjoy the off season posts quite a bit. "a friend does his duty" story had me crying with laughter, along with the driving in a costume to pick up a keg story, and all those posts about what chics like. The story about going to bed bath and beyond to shop was a hoot as well. When I was reading those stories I was going through a tough time, and I gotta say they all provided a much needed laugh. DP Keep the off season posts coming! The thing about the off season posts is I will read one and think, okay that's the last funny story he has up his sleeve and then there will be another one to top it. Also the pic of DP on FB in the field of bluebonnets is over the top silly. I'm laughing just typing this!

    I forgot to mention on my last post that one of my girlfriends kissed OHCH back in their high school days in Dallas ... Which makes watching the show with her even funnier.

  34. So in an effort to introduce some science to this blog, other than DP's own recording of use of the words "amazing", "journey" and the fact that Ashl-ay is a Dentist (student), I went back to the "fantasy suite" date of the Brad season ("home of the white shorts"). For that week, there were fully 20 more comments. Even allowing for the fact that Brad was marginally more interesting that Ashl-ay it makes it clear that basically nobody gives a flying hoo-hah about this season any more.

  35. The way Ashley sucks in her lips so her mouth is a thin narrow slit reminds me of Beaker from the Muppets.
    Ashley is quite unattractive and I have no flipping clue as to why ABC spent so much money doing a show featuring her.
    Ryan is such a freaking twat. God, what a cheeseball. He didn't act like he was so in love with Ashley he just had to see her. He wanted HER to want HIM. He is so pathetic. If ABC makes him the next bachelor, I will not watch.
    Ben F. or whatever his last name initial is ... crybaby, weirdo, naive, and babyish. Imagine being so shameless as to announce repeatedly on national tv how you have opened up like a flower and am able to now receive love. Barf. His voice sounds like Kermit, ... another muppet.
    J.P. ... naive as well. Would probably fall for any girl who would want him, if they were in an appropriate age/weight range for him. He is also pathetic. So is his mother, for being so enthusiastic about her son hooking up on a tv show.

  36. I'm reading SGIA while in Austin...certainly a first for me! Thank you for putting a smile on my face week after week, and giving me something to look forward to. Keep up the good work!

  37. Garan, nice to hear. Enjoy the city. Drop me an email if you want to grab a Lone Star. dp010835@gmail.com.


  38. Your recap of the Constantine date was one of the funniest recaps I've ever read. Hilarious and so true!

  39. Hilarious recap as always!!
    I'm seriously blown away by you and your brilliant way with words..

    Now that this season Is coming to an end there´s two things I'm going to miss:

    First and foremost I will with out a doubt miss your thoughts and insights on the world of roses and promiscuity..
    Secondly I'll miss Ashley, yeah that's right!!
    Sure she's been an oh so teary eyed, insecure and indisisive bachelorett.
    And all that while sporting a solid wardrobe of countless midriff showing shirts and f*ck me pumps.

    But still...

    Whatever anyone think's of her, the reality Is that no one Is forcing us to watch, she can magically disappear with just a touch of a button..

    With that said, I belive that In her "dramatic" journey and her concequent "insights" she's delivered soo much comidic material to one and all that we should really not be complaining...

    She's given us a lot of laughs and hopefully taught us a thing or two on what NOT to do!!

    I really do wish her the best, regardless of how the show ends...

    Thanks again for all the laughs Mr DP.

    // Nadia from IKEA land :)

  40. Hi DP,
    Since The House of Mirth came up, I thought I'd give you my favorite quote:
    "What Lily craved was the darkness made by enfolding arms, the silence which is not solitude, but compassion holding its breath."
    Thanks for entertaining us week after week,
    Clare 2

  41. One of the reasons why I like visiting your blog so much is because it has become a daily reference I can use in order to learn new nice stuff. It's like a curiosities box that surprises you over and over again.