Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 8: Ashley's Cumming and Going

Hello, Readers, and welcome back to what continues to be a beating of a Bachelorette season. For the past few weeks I’ve been wallowing in wishful denial that my apathy toward Ashley and her various colors of eye shadow is the result of my new and improved triathlon training regimen or the inevitable abdominal cramping that accompanies a high fiber diet.

Sadly, I’ve cut down on the Lone Stars too; however, I have come to terms with the fact that none of this has anything to do with the fact that Ashley is simply too uninteresting to carry this show. Considering the fact that next to her Brad Womack inspires more hysteria than Lady Gaga at Madison Square Garden, I think that speaks volumes about the choice that ABC made to throw her into the mix. Someone must have been smoking some of the stash Harrison smuggled back from Tahiti last season when that decision was made.

Incidentally, I saw Brad this week at my gym around lunch time. He was clad in his usual baggy shorts, sleeveless tee and ball cap working on (SURPRISE!) his upper body. I nodded knowingly as I passed, but didn’t stop to chat because I didn’t want to interrupt set 100 of 300 in his bench press work out. Besides, the smell of Axe Body Spray was overwhelming.

All kidding aside, it must have been tough for the guy to venture out in public the day after Emily said he was a jerk without saying he was a jerk on national TV. Brad has never been anything but nice to me and my friends who know him well. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be perpetually single and now that this is over he’s a guy that needs to embrace that. I hope he can move past the whole show (for the second time) and just be happy working on his chest or whatever. Dr. Jamie, my ass.

I also had the pleasure of seeing the wonderfully talented and always charming Lincee Ray of www.ihategreenbeans.com this weekend. She was kind enough to bring a bevy of broads and some other friends to a local Austin honky tonk where one of my close friend’s band was playing. We laughed, we danced, and we took pictures. No, we’re not dating but we’re fast friends and I always enjoy seeing Lincee. If I’m not mistaken, she’ll post a picture or two of that evening on her site. Thanks for the waltz, Lincee. With that said, let’s get to the current season’s goings on.

In case we forgot, we begin with the reminder that this week is hometown week and Ashley will be headed to see the guys’ homes and be mercilessly judged by the families of Constantine, J.P., Ames, and Ben. Ashley recaps her “feelings” for all of the men and tells us that she’s “sooooo” everything as we see her packing her back amongst the wooden floors, granite counter tops, and sage walls of her lonely one bedroom apartment in Philadelphia. I wondered if her landlord was watching and would be making an attempt to collect the unpaid pet deposit on that excuse for a dog she had nipping at her heels like J.P. on a group date.

As she carefully selects family friendly blouses and chromatically consistent eye shadows to match them, Ashley recounts her low budget dates with Constantine, the “unique” (read latently gay) qualities of Ames, her post-Bentley sulk session with J.P., and her “spontaneous” orphanage mural painting with Ben.

Boy, I’m sure those kids over there in the desert have been enjoying that mural amidst the un-airconditioned confines of that orphanage. At any rate, she throws on another Mexican table cloth for a skirt and her favorite travel friendly F-me pumps in order to hail a cab to the airport. Aaaaannnd, we’re off. . .


First stop, Cumming, Georgia. Dude, just as I was about put it into neutral in hopes of making it all go away, we get a Money Shot of the phallic giant white water tower protruding like a morning erection from the center of Constantine’s home town that reads “Cumming.” I felt like Michael Corleone in the third installment of The Godfather: “Just when I thought I was out . . . they pull me back in.” Ashley is “going” to “Cumming?” I found that ironic since next week is actually Fantasy Date week when odds are she’ll actually be . . . oh, nevermind. How in the world should I be expected to ignore that? Touche, ABC. Touche.

Surprised that Constantine’s home town was not Rome, I settled in over another Lone Star in order to watch him and his Rocky Balboa sweatshirt and green t-shirt grope Ashley in the park before taking her to see his family restaurant.

Before I get started, I’d like to pay tribute to our trip through Asia by introducing each home town visit with a Hometown Haiku commemorating each greeting. Yes, I realize they didn’t go to Japan. Cut me some slack. At least I’m not making origami Ashleys. Here we go.

Ash goes to Cumming
Auburn eyeshadow looks bad
Pensive hug. She sucks

After enduring the smell of the filthy duck pond, they stroll meaningfully to Giorgio’s Restaurant, Constantine’s family business. With the trashy girls from the waitstaff that he’s undoubtedly made at least one pass through watching carefully, Constantine gives Ashley the grand tour and takes her to the kitchen in order to cook a pizza and make a salad as she invades the space of the Hispanic kitchen workers whose attempts to unionize have undoubtedly been crushed under the iron fist of Constantine’s family. Alright, I made that last part up, but it sounds cool. Cooking pizza? Making salads? Say it with me: I thought this b*tch was a dentist.

After some more awkward conversation, Ashley heads to Mount Olympus to meet the family. Let’s see, there was Dimitri, Elleni, and Maria, the God-daughter Athena, Zeus, Poseidon, Aphrodite, Hera, Hermes, and, of course Apollo. After all, what’s a party without the God of Music? I believe Dionysos was included on the Evite; however, he had a prior engagement over at Charlie Sheen’s place. Annnnyyyhooo . . .

After some stupid chats with mom and dad, about 1000 other people from Constantine’s immediate family showed up to jump around like Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek before some fat guy made it rain like Harrison at the local strip bar in the VIP Lounge. In short, Constantine’s family seemed like very nice, self-made, decent people and they were very welcoming of Ashley. The parents were supportive, protective but not overbearing, and very proud of their son. That’s a good indicator how he’ll treat others around him and even the socially numb Ashley should have been able to see that.

Of the four families, I believe this one is most likely to be the best fit for her. Even Constantine’s sister—who was more attractive than Ashley, by the way—was not as judgey as the other guys’ sisters and certainly not negative like Ashley’s sister (more about her later). It’s too bad I don’t feel that way about Constantine. They just don’t seem compatible. For instance, she’s a morning person and he just doesn’t like her. Ahh, details. After a half-assed goodbye, Ashley heads back to PA to meet the Ames family.


First, the haiku.

We are in Chadd’s Ford
“Unique” is code word for “gay”
Rich or not, he’s done

After a view of the sprawling, blue blooded Ames family estate, we get a shot of an excited plaid wearing Ames and his wind blown, Warren Beatty in Splendor in the Grass hair awaiting Ashley in a glorious meadow. Ashley—who is no Natalie Wood--throws around the word “unique” like she threw around “Bentley” a few weeks ago and it is clear that, while she likes him, she doesn’t like him in that special way that guarantees he’ll throw her around the Fantasy Suite like a dust rag next week.

Realizing this, I hit pause, sighed for the sake of Ames, and retrieved another Lone Star ready to sit back and watch Ashley try and pass off her cheerleader diction on the aristocracy of Chadd’s Ford. Chadd’s Ford? Isn’t that something you’d find in Rob Lowe’s brother’s garage? I’ll be here all week, folks. Back to Ames.

Ashley skips the pre-meet walk and talk with Ames and immediately heads to the veranda to meet Ames’ sister Serena, her mute yet electric blue husband Randy, his mother Jane (who won the Doris Kearns Goodwin look alike contest last week), his older and balding brother Jim, his sister-in-law Tracey, and a host of nieces and nephews who unquestionably love playing dolls and dress up with Uncle Ames.

After some mint juleps to prime the pump, Ames’ big sister gets some alone time as Ashley laments not bringing her white jeans. That would have been a wonderful ice breaker considering the fact that Serena and Mrs. Ames were both wearing theirs. Talbots has such a rich and wonderful early Fall collection.

After an interview by the indoor/outdoor pool and some very interesting insight as to the death of Ames father and step father as well as learning that he went to boarding school, Ashley pretends that she and Ames are intellectually similar and Serena remembers when she used to dress up her younger brother as a girl and have tea parties in the garden with him. She gives Ames a heads up that his relationship with Ashley is a passionless farce aimed at outing him for the sake of ABC ratings.

Frankly, she and the mother were both very perceptive. They showed a great deal of restraint too. Ashley was clearly out of her league in that setting but she tried and Ames, as always, was wonderfully charming. Incidentally, when I say “out of her league” I don’t mean that the Ames’s were better than her. I mean that they’re different from her. They seemed like nice people, but certainly Ames is expected to find someone much more “suitable” for his intellect. Fake dentists who go on reality dating shows two seasons in a row to “find love” are likely not considered “purrr-fact” in Chadd’s Ford, Pennsylvania.

In a “bless his heart” attempt at romance, Ames fires up the family carriage after packing a delightfully refreshing picnic in his basket and spirits Ashley away through the unpaved roads along the riverbank for a lovely repast of wafers, foie gras, and sauvignon blanc in his “favorite garden” below a blooming magnolia tree. Ames drops some Italian Renaissance philosophical talk saying he sees romance and magic in the ordinary things in life. In the absence of any salad, Ashley chews on her lips and face. Frankly, it’s amazing she has any lips and face left after last night. She never stopped chewing on them all night. Her entire affect is annoying.

Let me sum this entire exchange up by saying that Ames truly won me over this season. Is he really gay? Hell, I don’t know. He was a shy kid who lost the two key male figures in his life very early in his development and was then raised by a mother, a sister, and servants. He didn’t appear to be close to his brother and I’m certain that he too was shipped off to boarding school before he and Ames could bond like brothers bond.

I’m sure he spent most of his youth daydreaming about magnolias, his favorite garden, and wearing red pants. The truth is that in what little doses we got of him this season, he is by all counts, a decent, friendly, open, positive, intellectually rounded, passionate person who is loved by the people close to him. It was impossible to hate the guy. That was evidenced by the thinly veiled disdain for this “journey” living right behind his protective sister’s eyes and the genuine concern expressed by his mother during their conversation. Ames is a good person and good things will happen as a result of that. He didn’t belong with Ashley and whether he ends up with a girl named Eve or a guy named Steve, I’m certain he’ll find someone with whom to share his life.


The Haiku

Ben F. makes good wine
Jump Hug means it’s on next week
His sister hates Ash

Ashley high tails it to Sonoma, California to meet up with Ben on an estate equally as worthy as Ames’ house. I didn’t see carriage driving servants, but I’m certain they were somewhere on the property.

After a cool tour through some of the winery and what looked like a miserably cold and rainy picnic on the porch, Ashley continues to look vacantly at Ben as he warns her about his skeptical mother and sister Julia. The word “vapid” came to mind—as did the words “Lone Star.” Between biting her lip and chewing the inside of her face, Ashley responds to Ben’s genuine attempts to explain his family with a series of cursory “wow’s” and “hmm, hmm’s”. She’s such a freaking beating.

Ashley takes flowers provided by the Producers to ward off mom and sis and they approach the deceptively sweet house surrounded by a white picket fence in order to meet Ben’s mom Barbara and his sister Julia. Incidentally, “Julia” begins with “J” and a “U”. Do you know what else begins with a “J” and a “U”? The word “judgmental.”

As dinner progresses it is clear that mom and sister remain skeptical. Ironically, it was Julia who signed her brother up for this garbage and as they talk about their father around the dinner table, I almost forgot that Ashley was sitting next to Ben and that the entire purpose of the visit was to size her up. She’s clearly too tiny to squash grapes with her feet all day and it was clear that breaking the bond between Ben and his sister would be a near impossibility for anyone, much less a fake dentist from Madawaska. I’ll comment more about family acceptance later; however, it appeared that mom and sister held the keys to the winery and I don’t believe that Ashley is going to get to hold them any time soon.

After some picture viewing and some cheerleader chatting, Ashley says a tense goodbye to Judgey Julia and Ben’s mom-who looked like Ben in drag, by the way. She “purr-facts” Ben in the driveway and he goes back inside to get the cabernet stain out of his gray jeans.

Of the remaining three families this one would clearly be a tough fit for Ashley. Ben is the remaining male in an obviously well-to-do family and has an understandably overprotective mother and sister in light of the death of their patriarch. Ashley didn’t seem to cut it over there, but I still think Ben has a fair shot at the final rose considering the fact that he’s already (allegedly) closed to deal on a previous one-on-one date which means he won’t spend as much time warming up in the Fantasy Suite next week.



Long Island J.P.
Fest of Insecurity
Chew on your face more

At this point, I was less interested in Ashley than Bentley was before the dot, dot, dot (yes, I just brought that up). Slogging through the remainder of this show knowing that J.P. is basically a male version of Ashley and her rampant self doubt was enough to make me scream. Luckily, my mouth had a beer bottle in it. I’m certain you were feeling the pain too. It’s like trying to make it the last 10 minutes of post wedding pictures in uncomfortable heels and a wired push up bra: you know relief is in sight but the prospect of enduring the pain is almost incomprehensible.

A well-prepared J.P. makes an allowance for the impending rain in his hometown of Roslyn, New York by planning a private excursion to the local roller skating rink. I suppose that’s a Long Island Construction Contractor’s equivalent of a carriage ride amongst the flora and fauna and a picnic below the magnolia trees. It’s a shame that the Roslyn weather man wasn’t as well prepared as J.P. Despite the lack of rain, they still venture in for some rented skates, some REO Speedwagon, and some tonsil roller hockey in the middle of the floor.

I once was at a friend’s bachelor party in Minneapolis when after literally getting thrown out of a bar we went back to the Marquette Hotel bar where we were staying on one of those fancy executive floors that only people with a certain elevator card can get to. Long story short, REO Speedwagon was staying on that floor and we ended up having a huge floor party with them until the wee hours of the morning.

They drank my entire mini-bar and I ended up sloppy drunk talking the lead singer, Kevin Cronin, in my suite until he was so sick of me he left to go hang out with my brother and my college roommate, Lenny, in their room. To this day, whenever my friends hear REO Speedwagon they call me to remind me that Kevin Cronin hates me. I have a similar story about Chuck Norris, but that’s for another post. Back to J.P.

After some more face chewing and the ABC make up crew failing to powder her whisker irritated chin and cheeks, Ashley puts some athlete’s foot powder in her F-me pumps after wearing the rented skates and she and J.P. go to meet the family.

They meet J.P.’s mom Aileen, father Peter, less attractive brother Ray, and his girlfriend Andrea as they all admire Ashley’s Pajama Jeans. Ashley brings up J.P.’s family’s failure to recognize that despite the wonderful elasticity and comfort of her Pajama Jeans she does not want a second helping of lasagna because it has too many carbs in it.

She’s like 75 pounds and she has the gall to refuse a second helping of homemade lasagna in a New York household? I’ll bet J.P. would have had a second helping of poutin or whatever that disgusting French fry with brown gravy dish that Ashley forced fed Brad in Mada-nowhere last season is called. Hell, Brad is probably still doing sit ups and taking supplements to get rid of those calories. She’s like Eliza Doolittle without the etiquette training for God’s sake. Someone should tell her that there are tons of carbs in her lips and face and perhaps she’d stop chewing on them.

After some meaningless conversation with J.P.’s mother about his ex-girlfriend, everyone makes nice and Ashley hits the road. She’s clearly the most into J.P. and his family seemed to be willing to support their relationship provided she picks him after the Fantasy Date. J.P. is clearly into her and, as we learned, falling in love easily has been his Achilles’ heel in the past. Props to him for rolling the dice again. I think he’ll end up “winning” assuming Ryan’s stunt comeback next week doesn’t work. Whatever.

My comment on all of the hometown dates is this. I believe that family and friends can provide a safe, secure, predictable, unrepentant place to land. In fact, I believe that the entire function of family and true friendships is to unconditionally provide that support and that love. We saw bits of that in all of the hometown family visits.

However, I also believe that families in particular are guilty of trying to possess their members, sometimes to the point where that cocoon becomes a restrictive wet blanket. All of these guys are in their late 20’s or early 30’s and are responsible for their own decisions. Family input is important but should not dictate what decision they (or Ashley for that matter) make concerning the selection of a potential future spouse . . . maybe.

As adults, that’s their prerogative and it’s also their mistake to make. Jealously, guilt, and control are bad things in overabundance and these guys would all do well to take some time alone and think about what they really want rather than what they think their families want for them. Based on next week’s preview, I’d suggest Ashley do the same thing. We shall see.


With family time over . . . Oh, wait. I suppose Harrison deserves a haiku as well.

Greeting Ash. Gray Suit
Seven minutes of air time
Boom! Giant paycheck

After a brief recap Ashley is left alone in the Lair of Seclusion and we all know that Ames his going to be sent packing in his beige suit. Ben, J.P., and Constantine pick up their roses and Ames graciously yet regretfully accepts defeat with his characteristic smile. Showing his character and his penchant for positive thinking he sums up the entire situation saying that it was “beautiful, full of the unexpected, and more poetic than he could imagine.” Well put, Ames. Let’s hope that Ben, J.P. and Constantine can say the same about the Fantasy Suite dates next week.

I rarely, if ever, mention the previews. However, I’d like to remind everyone how I described Ashley’s sister during Brad’s hometown visit to Mada-whatever last year. I said,

“Chrystie, her loud mouthed, attention seeking, tattoo covered sister—we know SHE didn’t go to dental school—immediately uses her loud mouth to seek attention. I’ve made no secret of my affinity for small town girls with tattoos; however, no amount of tattoos can cover up annoying. I popped another Lone Star in an attempt to dull the pain. After all, life is about coping mechanisms, isn’t it?”

We’ll see how right I am next week.

Well, there it is. With the Journey count at an oddly low 18 and the Amazing count at a resurrected 80 we head to Fiji for the What’s Ashley Like in Bed Dates. Have a wonderful week and until next time, if you need me I’ll be chewing on my face. DP


  1. Excellent recap, as always! Loved this bit: "Showing his character and his penchant for positive thinking he sums up the entire situation saying that it was 'beautiful, full of the unexpected, and more poetic than he could imagine.' Well put, Ames. Let’s hope that Ben, J.P. and Constantine can say the same about the Fantasy Suite dates next week."

    Poor Ames. I honestly think the only reason she kept him around so long was to satisfy her curiosity about where he came from. I can't believe he's going to be on Bachelor Pad -- he'll get eaten alive!

    Do we think JP will implode next week at the thought of Ashley spending the night with two other guys? Let's hope so. :)

  2. now that, was more poetic than i could imagine. well done SGIA! it's the highlight of my day! perfect recap, and now it's raining in austin. nice afternoon, i'd say.

  3. As funny as you and Lincee are, I just don't give a crap about this Season anymore. I bore through it at the beginning and now it's just painful. Thanks for entertaining us!
    PS-I don't think it is Ryan coming back (the guy in sandals didn't look pigeon toed). I think it might be Ames or perhaps Mickey. That would be nice!

  4. The face chewing stuff is so beyond annoying that I block it out now. Reading it here is funny. Your dissection and insight is always welcome. Thanks for taking the time to educate, entertain, and even enlighten us.

  5. Ames should marry the Weatherman and just live happily ever after.

  6. What a "purr-fact" recap of an otherwise mundane episode. This, by far, has been the most awful season in the history of the franchise. From her clothes, to the dates, to the lack-of-content conversations - it's all just been bad! My favorite line was "She’s like Eliza Doolittle without the etiquette training for God’s sake" because that hit the nail on the head. Forget Dr. Jamie...she needs time with Henry Higgins!

    As for Ames, it would have never worked out for her because she would have had to walk around with a dictionary in order to carry on a conversation with him. Not only that, but her clothes would get her kicked out of the Hamptons. He's a class act and deserves his equal.

    For those looking forward to the Bachelor Pad (or your blog accompanying it), I recently read that the Bachelor Pad season premiere is going to be 3 hours long!! Seems a bit excessive to me, but anything's better to this season. :o)

    Thanks for the recap, DP!


  7. Some Guy, great post - it helps me get thru Tuesdays. I have to 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th how boring this season is - would have stopped watching except, and only for, your recaps. Ashley and, quite frankly, the bachelors have to be the most boring people they have ever picked. Would hope in their real life, there is personality because this "show" has taken it to a far off land. Loved the haiku intros! Did you catch the crotch shot of Constantine in Cummings? Thought it odd but this whole show is odd. Did you see her deliver the pizza order - oh my gosh, her hair was in the food! Loved "she's a morning person and he just doesn't like her"! Ames is a sweet man - how she could even suggest they were intellectually similar is way out there ... I actually noticed the whisker chin (can they/do they even have conversation)? Said she felt like she was in 7th grade - emotionally (and intellectually, she is)! JP might just be nearly as insecure as she is and she's going for him because she feels he won't reject her at the ceremony. Bad choices for both of them. Bad cast for the show. Until next week for the dreaded fantasy suites ...

  8. Some Guy In Austin
    What a great post this was
    I LOVE the Haiku ; )

  9. DP-Thank you for burning the midnight oil with yet another fantastic post! Your blog is my favorite of the ones I follow. You just tell it like it is...

    Derrick and the Cuban Missle Crisis gang--I do hope you comment on Ames. He was beyond shocked that he did not get a rose, and his family seemed to be in full-on denial as well. Denial is not a river in Egypt! What are your thoughts on Ames?

    Texas Tea

  10. Great re-cap, SGIA!! Of course, this just goes to show how unexciting the season is--my favorite part was your recap of your time at the REO Speedwagon/Bachelor party up in my neck of the woods!!! Thanks for making the show bearable!!

  11. Hilarious as always!

    Have a lot of personal exeperience with this do you?
    "It’s like trying to make it the last 10 minutes of post wedding pictures in uncomfortable heels and a wired push up bra: you know relief is in sight but the prospect of enduring the pain is almost incomprehensible."

    Just one of the many things that made me laugh out loud. :-)

  12. Cara, plenty of second hand experience listening to wedding dates complain about those things. Remember, there's not a lot that I miss. Anyone who's dated me would tell you that. Thanks as always for commenting! DP

  13. After I found this blog on twitter, I look forward to your post more than the actual show I sit through on Tuesdays with Hulu and my laptop. You are spot on and hilarious. Ames is also my favorite, definitely not gay. He deserves someone way less annoying than Ashley, and I wish ABC would make him the next Bachelor.

  14. “Unique” is code word for “gay”.. HILARIOUS!! haha!

  15. "They just don't seem compatible, for instance, she's a morning person, and he just doesn't like her" LMAO That was so funny :) Loved your blog this week, thank you. You and Lincee, help us survive Ashley and I do remember you calling it on her sister last year. Let the good times roll. I wonder what the families will think of Ashley after the sleepovers...

  16. I began reading your recap this week thinking there isn't much that can make me laugh about this week's episode. In fact, the whole season has been so vanilla and hasn't even had the normal testosterone-filled drama between the guys after way too much drinking. I said to myself "Some Guy, let's see if you can make me laugh out loud" somewhat doubtfully. Turns out I promptly hit upon this gem that got me started:

    "I wondered if her landlord was watching and would be making an attempt to collect the unpaid pet deposit on that excuse for a dog she had nipping at her heels like J.P. on a group date." Hilarious! And, one more was:

    "Chadd’s Ford? Isn’t that something you’d find in Rob Lowe’s brother’s garage?"

    Thank you. Damn you are funny!

    I think Ames is such a kind soul and is intelligent, mannerly, and genuine. You made a good point when mentioning how he was raised without male figures. Yes, he's effeminate to some degree, but I believe quite heterosexual. I hate that he may be on Bachelor Pad....he really is going to be out of place with all those freaks and will likely be made fun of and get his feelings hurt. Poor guy. He is pretty naive it seems.

    Look forward to next week!

    Lori in Tampa

  17. "Fake dentists who go on reality dating shows two seasons in a row to “find love” are likely not considered “purrr-fact” in Chadd’s Ford, Pennsylvania." - Of all the jabs, this one make me choke on my own laughter for some reason.

    Ashley eating her face isn't nearly as bad as her look of anticipation. You know, the one where she cranes her neck, purses her lips and bugles her eyes. That is starting to really get to me.



  18. fun fact for you adolescent snorters about "cumming". The Atlanta suburb before it is called "Buckhead". And then we have "Dunwoody". I think there's a pattern there. One we might see in the fantasy suites (sponsored by Lysol) next week.


  19. Maybe they should have the Fantasy Suite at Intercourse, Pa.? Or nearby Blue Ball. Anyhow, loved the blog from beginning to end (favorite line: she’s a morning person and he just doesn’t like her), and can't wait to her your Chuck Norris story.
    Did anyone else feel like they were watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" during Constantine's family invasion? Though I don't remember Gus Portokalos (interestingly enough played by Michael Constantine, who looks like he could be Constantine's biological father) throwing dollar bills at the dancers. I thought that only happened at gentlemen's clubs and Chippendales shows.
    Thanks for keeping this show interesting DP! Have a great week everybody!
    Clare from NJ

  20. DP, as usual you have hit the high (or low) points of the train wreck.

    I love your sum up of Ames. Clearly not the "one", but he seems to be a genuinely charming, sweet, gentlemanly and erudite guy who someone will be fortunate to have as a partner.

  21. I'll comment after I look up "erudite.". Is that anything like "gay?"

  22. After actually watching this week's show (I really couldn't stomach most of the rest of the season), I actually disliked Ashley less. Really she is just too regular to carry a show like this. She's pretty normal with her own set of issues and ho hum personality but she strikes me as the type who you would find non-objectionable if you met her in real life. The guys are pretty boring as well...just kind of regular dudes.

    Now Ames raises some questions for me. He is wildly well educated, which in some ways reflects some Peter Pan issues, and yet is underemployed, likely living off a trust fund, and placing himself on the reality tv circuit. He is clearly not too good for Bachelor Pad since he obviously readily agreed to do it and is likely the only one who in no way needs the money. Makes you wonder why. Why would a wildly intelligent man man with 3 Ivy league degrees and a supposed interest in a career in finance go on Bachelor Pad? He may be a great guy, but he, just like all of these characters on the show, are likely diffrent than how they are portrayed on the show.

  23. Lindsey, interesting and insightful comment. I don't agree about Ashley, but I agree about Ames. Nice work. DP

  24. Oops...I posted the below comment on the wrong entry. Sorry in advance for posting it twice.
    I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now and I must say, WELL DONE. I only watch The Bachelor/ette every so often and after reading your blog I thought I would start to watch it religiously. However, I caught an episode of Ashley being completely annoying about how sad she was about what's-his-face that I couldn't stand to watch it any longer. (Un)Fortunately, I gave up the show, but I still continue to read and find your take HILARIOUS.

    Furthermore, after reading this post, I just had to comment! I'm actually from the town right next to Cumming, GA. In fact, my boyfriend is from there. Let me just say...if you're looking for any souvenirs, you don't have to go to the visitors center. All you have to do is stroll into the local Mellow Mushroom and you can purchase a "I Love Cumming!" t-shirt. Yes, it's true. The residents of Cumming get as much joy out of the name of their town as the rest of us.

  25. doogie howser says:
    thought this bitch was a dentist?
    Bentley can keep her.


  26. Thanks for the shout out, Texas Tea. By the way, great blog this week, DP. OMG..Me and the boys were so proud of you when you spoke highly of Ames. You are such a sweetheart when you want to be.

    The boys and I are split on whether or not Ames is straight or gay. My friends Mitt and Scooter are convinced that Ames is bisexual, but he's just afraid to make the jump to the other side. They keep saying, "Can you imagine the coming out party his mom and sister could throw for him with all that money?" I have to agree with them. You know what Woody Allen said, "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night".
    Now with that said, My friends Simon, Alonzo and Demetri have changed their minds and think that Ames is straight. Their opinion is that Ames is just a super sweet guy that was raised by women. However, this part of the crowd now thinks that Ben has no no business pretending to like women and with a little coaxing could fit right in with the Cuban Missile Crisis down here in South Beach. I have to admit, the boys do have a point. I would definitely have to work with him on his sense of style before he would be allowed to parade around South Beach with me and the boys. If we could throw out his existing wardrobe and cut that messy hair, I think with the right coaching he just might be a good fit for the CMC.

    Anyway, that's are take girls. Let me know what you think....or as DP says down there in Texas....Tell me what ya'll think!! ;)

    Love and Laughs,
    Derek and the boys from South Beach

  27. Great post, DP. I enjoyed all of the Ames' wise cracks and gay references this season, but it was nice to see you throw some kind words his way before he left the show. I thought he showed more class then anyone yet when he left after he missed out on the final rose. As much fun as we had at his expense this season, I dont' think any father would be too upset if his daughter married someone like Ames.
    As for Ben....he needs to worry less about what his mother and sister think of his girlfriends and concentrate more on if his wife feels comfortable around his family. The first time I brought my wife home I was more worried about her liking my mom and dad than I was about whether they liked her. And as far as I was concerned, my sister's opinion did not even factor into the equation. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy that they liked her, but by no means did their approval have any influence as to how I felt about her. I understand that family is important, but lets face it....your family does not move in with you, raise your children with you and spend almost everyday with you for the rest of your life. By the way, I think that I might have to agree with Derek on which way Ben swings. I'm sure that his protective mother and sister would just love to have the "CMC" descend down on their vineyard for a weekend of fun. Good stuff Derek!
    Not much to say about Contstantine other than he has a good family and can do much better than Ashley. I say enjoy the fantasy date and bail before the rose ceremony.
    As for JP.....I finally understand why he pitches a fit every time Ashley is with another guy. It has nothing to do with him having a hard time watching the woman he cares about spend time with another man. He's a little crybaby. He tells his mother every time his heart gets broken. He can't handle his emotions and does not have his mommy's shoulder to cry on when he's away from home. If I were Contstantine, I would make sure the I got the first fantasy date and afterwards I would walk around the house naked or at least immediately take my clothes off anytime I got near JP. I would flex my muscles, talk about how phenomenal our night together was, and give him frontal shots anytime he got within 10 feet of me. JP would fold like a cheap lawn chair under this kind of torment and pressure. He would either leave the show or have a complete nervous breakdown.

    Just my two cents...


  28. Excellente! This show was so boring I fell asleep on the sofa after one G&T. I bribe my husband to watch with me if we make it into a drinking game, but neither one of us even made it to JP after the sobbing, emotional, guilt-trip ridden Lifetime Movie that was Ben's hometown. Yeah, Seriously Ashely is THE. WORST. EVER. I'll take a third season of Brad over. I wish they would have cast crazy Michelle - it would have been aces to dollars all the way.

  29. wow, what a difference a couple of weeks makes! I remember when almost everybody loved JP, especially sgia. I liked him, being a new Yorker myself - don't like what I'm seeing now either! My take? He will propose and she will say yes and in a couple of months it will be over! Hope the next group(s) are more interesting than this one. DP is the only reason I've lasted so far too.

  30. She narrows her search from 25 to 4 and somehow she manages to end up with two that look so much alike, I still don't know who's who....and the other two are so different that we speculate one might even be gay? Does this girl even know HERSELF? I can see not having a standard "type", but not to the extreme of roller-skating like you're in junior high versus horse carriage rides and poetry! Ugh ~ this girl is SO annoying & has the WORST timing ever....the only time she stops chewing her lip is to interrupt someone or to say something totally random. Her and JP are per-fact for each other.....per-factly insecure!

    So over it. But on a positive note, your re-cap rocks!

  31. In honor of the wonderful, awkward Ames


    Awkward Donald
    Lyrics: Dawn Callan, Joe Grant and Al Parrish, Music: Steve Ritchie and Joe Grant

    Awkward Donald ripped his trousers chasing home the brindled cow
    Shrewd young Catherine caught his measure, sowed him up with a wedding vow
    Catherine works with thread and needle, Donald hides down in the hay
    Asks him if he wants to marry, words that he's to shy to say

    A woolen suit and thigh-high gumboots, Donald leaves his shoes at home
    Hoping they will keep their squeak for dancing when the preaching's done
    Awkward Donald's at the altar, in his pocket there's a hole
    Catherine searching for the ring pulls off his boot and out it rolls

    Catherine would you do it again, fall in love with an awkward man?
    Catherine would you do it again, fall in love with an awkward man?
    Catherine would you do it again, fall in love with an awkward man?
    Catherine would you do it again, fall in love with an awkward man?

    The dancing's done, the keg is bunged, the newly-weds have gone aloft
    Awkward Donald moves to quickly,
    Suddenly he finds he's caught his foot in Catherine's nightgown pocket
    One more time with good intention
    Catherine tries to circumvent poor Awkward's misdirection


    Awkward Donald ripped his trousers chasing home the brindled cow
    Shrewd young Catherine caught his measure, they've got seven children now
    Awkward Donald trips and stumbles when he's standing on his feet
    But he's learned to thread the needle late at night between the sheets


    Sirkka Johnson

  32. CAN'T STAND ASHLEY. WHEN I HEARD SHE WAS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE, ALL I COULD THINK WAS "WHAT A MISTAKE"-- and she is such an alcoholic's child. She will always pine for men who aren't interested (Bentley) -- the worst thing they can do is show legitimate interest (Ryan) and she'll boot them. She did Ames a favor. She'll undoubtedly pick one of the "twins" who really don't seem exactly interested in my opinion. No way any one of these relationships will last.

  33. DP, great as usual! I am glad to see someone else noticed the whisker scratches on her chin during the skate date. Wow ABC is really slacking on the makeup, wardrobe, date adventure department. It was actually annoying to watch! Great as always! I forgot about Ashleys sister from last season, she is just jealous and mad she was not chosen for the Bachelorette. Maybe she would have provided more entertainment than Ashley has?? Kim in Nevada

  34. Such an uninspired season...SGIA, I needed this recap to get through the homestretch. The human parentheses that is Ashley, must cease wearing jeggings and pumps if only to stop my husband from screamning, "she's a gapper" every time she pops up in a new outfit.

    Watched this episode twice (don't ask) and after agonizing each time over who Ames sister reminded me of, Eureka! She is the king-sized version of the mom from that Little People, Big World show on TLC!

    Ames is amazing. I vote for asexual, but who cares? He just wants someone to go antiquing with after Sunday brunch--is that so wrong? He joins the luscious Roberto and Cape-Cod-Dead-Mom-Chris in my hall of fame of bachelors who are way too good for the show.

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