Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 7: Tai-want this Season to be Over Already POST

Hello, Readers. Welcome back after a much needed week off from the drudgery that is the Who Ends Up with Ashley Hebert Show. I trust that all of you—even my Canadian friends and the six people in Denmark who read this—had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend.

I had a wonderful weekend in spite of the fact that fireworks displays were banned here in Austin because everything around here is a drier than a Harrison martini. Regardless, I got to spend some time at Lake Travis and, of course, reflected extensively on this season’s outcome. I missed our weekly banter, however, and I have to confess, I’m looking forward to your comments this week. Sorry for the delayed posting, but sometimes I have some lawyerin’ to do. This was one of those times.

Before we begin our recap, this week’s shout out goes to one of my most loyal readers, Maggie from Coppell, Texas. She turned—let’s just say she’s a bit older than she was a few days ago—this week and I’m happy to bring a smile to her gracefully aging face. Happy Berfday, Maggie, and thanks for being a fan. I hope the birthday fairy brought you everything you wanted.

Actually, I hope some beefy guy named Chazz showed up at your door dressed as a cop before throwing on some Village People and yanking off his pants in one fell swoop as hoards of your middle-aged friends guffawed into their chardonnay while searching their purses for dollar bills and simultaneously reminding themselves that they owed the person who phoned Chazz forty bucks. If that didn’t happen, I hope they gave you a free dessert at the local Applebee’s. Either way, I hope you had fun. With that out of the way, let’s get to it.

We all began this week the same way: cringing with our over-poured glasses of wine behind our seasonally appropriate accent pillows bracing ourselves for another recap of the dot dot dot and Ashley’s incessant, almost Tourette-esque utterances of the word “Bentley.” Thankfully, ABC apparently dusted off its month old focus group surveys and discovered that we were all sick of that in early June. Instead, we see that we’re going to be treated to various vistas, gorgeous gorges, and beautiful beaches in the exceptionally exotic city of Taipei, Taiwan. I couldn’t wait.

We learn early on that Ben and Ryan get solo dates and see Ryan crying in pink linen. We see J.P. in a tux, Lucas in a dress, and Ames in an outfit he probably had in his suitcase. Most importantly, we learn that we’ll get a merciful break from Ashley in order to get an update and find closure in an interview with the radiant and heartbroken Emily who has flown all the way from Charlotte sans Little Ricki in order to set the record straight. Bless her white shorts wearing, spray tanned, low lighted, lip gloss sporting, veneer augmented little heart. I really couldn’t wait.

But first, we have to deal with Ashley. Incidentally, anyone think she was a tad insecure watching last night’s episode from home knowing we were all slogging through her poor outfits and indecisive smoky eyes in order to see what Emily had to say? I’m sure J.P. or whoever “won” this season had his hands full on Monday night. God bless that guy.

Ashley begins as she does in every new city: by wandering aimlessly through the streets wearing a white tank top and a miniskirt that looked like a Mexican table cloth while contemplating her arduous, mind-wrenching complimentary, ass-kissing, first class vacation around the world in order to do a bunch of free stuff with a bunch of guys who want to be around her for no good reason.

We see the beauty of Taroko State Park and Sun Moon Lake as Ashley “educates” us about Taiwan. Apparently, it’s known as “the hidden jewel of Asia,” she tells us because “not a lot of people know about it.” I suppose if by “not a lot” she means 1.1 billion Chinese people and every person in the world who has ever used consumer electronics, she’s absolutely correct. Hey Ashley, do you know what not a lot of people know about? Madawaska, Maine.

Ironically, that awful skirt she had on was probably sewn together by some indentured seven year old with hands small enough to thread the machine. This b*tch should stick to being a fake dentist. Incidentally, the island is separated from the mainland by the Taiwan Strait. I found it ironic that Ames would be the only person in the group who knows that considering he’s the furthest thing from straight.

After gushing falsely and repetitively about the remaining men, Ashley drops some canned “fresh start” mantra and I sipped my first Lone Star thankful that Bentley had gone the route of Justin “Rated R” Rego and Wes Hayden before him. I smiled for Cozy’s sake.

Harrison, dressed in light brown denim pants and a royal blue linen shirt that Lincee Ray will love because it accents his eyes, meets the men in the square and drops some 100th Anniversary of Taiwan facts before letting them know that there are 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date with only one rose up for grabs. It’s week-before-home-town-date time and the pressure is on.

Harrison sends the guys to their suite and hops into a limo where he undoubtedly visited that local doll factory in order to oversee production of the upcoming line of anatomically correct Chris Harrison Action Figures. Apparently, they come with life-like hands capable of gripping a champagne glass and butter knife. Those are also included. After posing with the Plant Manager, he hit the beach and left strict instructions with the Concierge that he was not to be disturbed until half an hour before the rose ceremony.

Ironically, this season’s front runner, J.P., begins an Ashley-esque slide into insanity as we see a huge dent in his Long Island armor. He handles stress about as well as Ashley handles insecurity. Perhaps they are meant for one another. The date card is dropped amidst his ridiculousness. “Let Your Love Light Shine,” it reads and we learn that the always boring but oddly consistent and likeable Constantine is the lucky lead off batter.

As J.P. stresses like a whore in church Constantine unwads his best Garanimals, plaid, button up, short sleeve shirt and matches the lion on the tag with the lion on the tag on his pants tying the entire ensemble together with some Stride-Rite sneakers.

Five-year old attire in place Constantine forgoes his skateboard opting for a leisurely walk to meet Ashley in this week’s theme apparel, the backless blouse. She makes a poor attempt to compliment it with Pajama Jeans and some F-me pumps as they catch a dirty steam train and sweat profusely on the way to Ping Shi Village for the Lantern Festival. Ping Shi is, of course, close to it’s sister village, Ping Pong, where they have their annual Paddle Festival, but that’s neither here nor there. Frankly, that’s just me showing off. Annnyyyhooo. . .

I think we all sensed the complete lack of chemistry as they painted their “love wish” on their paper lantern. I was praying that Constantine would go for some filthy Men’s Room wall depiction of his Fantasy Suite idea, but sadly, I was out of luck. Frankly, I think he’s relatively boring, but he seems like a genuinely nice guy with a solid head on his shoulders. That probably means he’s a great guy to know in the real world but without the extremes exhibited by guys like J.P. and Ryan, he doesn’t translate well on TV. Top that off with the fact that he’s about as interested in Ashley as Bentley was if you dismiss the rampant narcissism and Alpha male chest beating and I almost fell asleep watching them.

They have dinner and Constantine again proves he’s sincere by articulating his feelings in a realistic, straightforward, non-equivocal manner. Ashley, of course, stuffs her face and stares at her plate. Apparently, they don’t have Cotillion classes offered at the Madawaska Country Club. After swallowing, Ashley finally gives Constantine credit for paying attention to her like her daddy never did and he earns an emotionless kiss under the dog urine-soaked love lamp or whatever it’s called. She drops an over accentuated “Purrrrr-fact” on him and they “so awesome” everything as we fade into commercial and I faded into the end of another Lone Star Beer thankful for the opportunity to hit pause and empty my bladder like a stray mutt on a Taipei love lantern.

The Second Date Card gets dropped at the suite as Ryan and his entrepreneurially grown five-o’clock shadow stress about his first one-on-one. “Let’s Spend a ‘Gorges’ Day Together,” it reads as an appropriately low key Ben accepts the invitation without rubbing it into Ryan’s environmentally conscious, overly obnoxious face. J.P. retires to the confines of the walk in shower to sob openly among the steam vents.

Dude, relax. Can you imagine this guy during the first two Fantasy Suite Dates? He’s likely to explode. We all know that the Producers smell blood here and he’s going to be forced to sweat it out for two days in Tahiti fighting back vision after horrible vision of his true love being defiled by two of his buddies just days before he’s set to meet with Neil Lane and select her engagement ring. I hope he had the wherewithal to visit a local Taiwanese pharmacy and score some sedatives prior to heading home. From the looks of it, he sought solace in his Under Armour gear.

Ashley awaits Ben in a pink, silky, backless tank top and jean shorts and Ben shows up in jeans and a t-shirt still needing a haircut. Frankly, I don’t know how she told him apart from Constantine, but that’s not my problem, I suppose. They jump on a rented moped and proceed to tool around like a couple of overgrown oafs on the moped enjoying the scenery. Frankly, throw in a six pack of Lone Star in a basket on the front of that moped and that date was right up my gorge—minus Ashley, of course.

Ashley talks like a high school cheerleader as she tells us that the date is “right out of a fairy tale.” Right, we all know the fairy tale about the wine making prince and his magic moped from Taiwan, don’t we? I found myself hoping that this fairy tale would involve a poison apple that would leave Ashley catatonic in some cave somewhere for a while. Speaking of fairies, I wondered what Ames was doing.

Ashley and Ben eventually stop in the middle of an Indiana Jones-esque rope bridge and they kiss as Ashley shows Ben her giant gorge. Maybe that’s why she’s bowlegged. You know, from all of that hiking. She kisses Ben while shouldering a giant pink bag that he didn’t have the decency to carry for her. Speaking of giant ‘bags, I wondered what Ryan was doing.

The entire date is uneventfully capped off by some more of Ben opening up unabashedly about his family, life, feelings, emotional connection, and sincerity. Ashley, of course, stuffs her f*cking face and says nothing. You might say she “gorged” herself. I’ll be here all week.

Her green silk shirt and Minnie Mouse skirt left a lot to be desired. Who dresses her, for crying out loud? After she drops a few obligatory “what if’s” she and Ben share another awkward, emotionless kiss. Hell, I use more lip and tongue action trying to savor the last few drops of Lone Star from an almost empty bottle than that. No wonder J.P. won the kissing contest.

Back at the Man Suite the Group Date Card gets dropped and Ryan oozes obnoxiousness as we learn that Ashley is “Grooming” Lucas, Ames, and J.P. “for the big day.” When you get to the end zone, Ryan, act like you’ve been there, douchebag.

The following morning, controversy hits the house as the men realize that Ben has not returned home from his date. “Perhaps he got stuck in a gorge,” I thought. Apparently, J.P. had the same thought because steam was coming out of his ears. “Nice work, Ben,” I thought. That was a perfect opportunity for Ben to make some “Damn right, I gave her some ‘new bangs’ if you know what I mean” comments. Because he’s a better person than me, he simply took the humble route and pretended they didn’t share a room. Whatever.

Ashley sets up the group date in her pink eye shadow by pretending that it will be fun for all of the guys to dress up like pu*sies and take fake wedding pictures with her. Hell, she’s a fake dentist. She might as well be a fake bride. After Lucas emerges from the dressing room in a silk dress looking like he’s prepared to administer a happy ending at the local Asian rub and tug and Ames emerges looking even more gay than he actually is, J.P. heads back to see what’s in store for him.

For some reason, he got the 1980’s American prom tuxedo and, despite the fact that he escaped the humiliation that would undoubtedly be revisited upon Lucas at the Odessa Country Club by his golf buddies for eternity, he still pouted like a little girl when Ashley posed with the other men. They should just shut this bulls*it down right now and give him the keys to her apartment in whatever city she fake dentists in. Like Mickey, I’m over it. The problem is that I don’t have the luxury of hopping on a junket and getting the hell out of Dodge in order to return to my home town.

Ashley again forgets that West Texas is not The South and refers to Lucas as “a Southern Gentlemen.” Different food, different accent, different culture, different crops, different everything, Ashley. Someone get her an Almanac. She appears to know everything about Taiwan and nothing about her own country. What a beating.

Based on the instructions from the Taiwanese photographer “Ashrey changy crows” three times and takes ridiculous “wedding” pictures with all three men before reapplying her smoky eyes and fake eyelashes and a tiny green cocktail number in order to sit down with Lucas and ask him judgy, unfair questions about his divorce. Ames, after jotting down the name of the designer of the Liberace outfit he wore, settles in patiently waiting to break out the pictures of his mother and some carefully selected ones of him as a child. Nice touch, Ames. Mom pictures?

Incidentally, I suspect we’ll all see exactly what I predicted in Episode 1 when I first saw Ames. He’s a child of considerable privilege and probably grew up with a closet full of tailored pants in every color of the rainbow. Look, it’s not his fault his parents are filthy rich and he seems to fit in well with the guys; however, I’m dying to see his family and I’m dying to see how our Modest Maiden from Madawaska fits in with the blue bloods. I actually rooted out loud for him at this point in the show.

In the meantime, the Final Date Card is dropped and Douchey Ryan celebrates openly like the jerkoff that he is. “Let’s Get a Taste of Taipei,” it reads. Constantine sits there stoically with hair like Michael Jackson and Ben F. flippantly hands Ryan the card knowing that he’s already “taken the moped into the gorge” if you know what I mean. Oblivious, Ryan heads to the bedroom to find the pink linen shirt his mother suggested he wear on the first date before he left home.

Back on the date J.P. continues to whine like a freaking sissy about being on a show where the woman he’s after gets to date several men at a time. My favorite line in this exchange came when he told Ashley that seeing her with other men was making him crazy to which she responded, “bad crazy?” Classic. To pilfer a line from Colonel Jessup, “Is there another kind?”

Despite sporting some dashing red pants, Ashley rewards J.P. for being a little b*tch and he gets a sympathy rose before drying his tears and rejoining the party. I have to admit I lost some respect for the guy. He’s been consistent and normal up until now. To be fair, if I was stuck in a hotel room (no matter how nice) with a bunch of dudes—one of whom wears red pants and another who is an overt jerkoff—and the only Caucasian woman I’d seen for weeks began to ignore me, I’d freak out a little too. Let’s hope he can hold on until the end and “win.” I’ve said it before; he’s the only one dumb enough to propose to her. He might as well get a chance to run the bases.

Oh, and don’t think I’m going to leave this date without commenting on the red pants. Look, for any of us who have been around rich people—in the South or in the North—we all know that certain things make sense to that crowd. Sailor hats, blazers, colored pants, white shoes, and ascots certainly don’t go over where I hang out, but I’m certain that every one of Ames friends has a collection of those pants. I’ll give Ames credit, he pulled them off even in Taiwan. Ames is who he is and he’s not trying to pretend he’s not. I respect that. Granted, he’s a p*ssy, but he’s an unapologetic one and there’s a lot to be said for that. Good work, Ames.

Now, let’s reverse that logic. Let’s talk about Ryan. He shows up ready for his date in his pink linen shirt, designer jeans, and driving loafers and we get to see how freaking pigeon toed the guy is as he walks from a distance to Ashley in her royal blue backless shirt and white jeans. He’s just as pigeon toed as Ashley is bow legged. I’ve seen primates with straighter gaits.

Ryan drops, “when I’m with Ashley everything disappears.” I suppose if we exclude his neatly planned five o’clock shadow and his overbearing personality, he’s correct. He did make the entire back of her shirt disappear. At first, I thought it was a cover up that she’d errantly put on backwards. I digress.

I’ll cut to the chase on this beating of a “date.” They go to Long Dong Temple and mock the polytheists, look at koi fish, and eventually have a picnic where we see what a completely pretentious putz Ryan is as he purposely backs his way into a conversation about water heaters and the environment in an effort to impress Ashley with is desire to save the world. More about that in a moment. An incredibly bored Ashley finally kicks his entrepreneurial ass to the curb, orders an environmentally friendly to go box for the picnic food, and he cries for a while about finding that special someone.

Let’s talk about Ryan’s “environmentally conscious” lifestyle for a moment, shall we? Wearing dry cleaned suits, taking frivolous trips all over the world in planes and limousines, hailing a cab instead of walking, swimming in chlorinated pools and heated hot tubs, and walking into perfectly air conditioned, climate controlled rooms and upsetting the balance by blowing a ton of hot air around aren’t exactly environmentally conscious behaviors. Details. As long as he’s turning a profit from that “fascinating” water heater thing, I’m sure he sleeps well. Good riddance, A-hole.

After washing off the remaining cheese from her date with Ryan, Ashley dons a Princess Leia dress, dabs on her favorite scent—Eau de Poonani—and hits the Lair of Seclusion for some deep thought. As it turns out, the thoughts didn’t run that deep because as Harrison shows up and fights past her smoky eyes as she drones on about how “serious” things have become, she AGAIN shuts down the cocktail party in favor of booting the remaining dude.

My favorite part was when Harrison made several attempts to do the guys a solid and talk Ashley into letting them have a few pops before one of them got the boot. Let’s face it, it makes for much better television is the ousted person is a few in the bag prior to getting in the limo and being driven aimlessly around a foreign city and forced to lament knowingly into the camera.

Ashley stands firm in her commitment to be the biggest drag of a Bachelorette in the history of the show. Harrison begrudgingly drops the no booze news before subtlety winking in Morse Code “I have plenty of booze and chicks in the Sucky Sucky Penthouse Suite of this hotel. Join me after the Warden leaves.” Now THAT’S a dot dot dot I can live with.

After some meaningless speech in cheerleader speak, Ashley hands out the remaining roses.

Rose

1. J.P. (Man up, dude)
2. Constantine (who knew?)
3. Ben F.
4. Ames (I can’t wait to see his family)

Done

1. Ryan
2. Lucas (strong showing for Texas. Sorry you had to wear a dress on your final show)


With that out of the way, we progress toward the Emily Needs Closure Interview. Surprisingly, I’m not going to belabor this point, nor am I going to give a play by play of the interview. Emily looked radiant as always, and yes, I did notice the white skirt. Harrison broke out his Money suit instead of the Men’s Warehouse ones he wears for Ashley interviews too.

My take on this is that she seems like a nice person who wants to be a mother and have a normal life. She seemed genuinely upset and I believed she was sincere. She recognized that putting herself on television was her responsibility and took the high road by not blaming Brad’s permanent bachelor mentality or Axe Body Spray for the demise of her relationship with him. Oh, and she looked hot doing it. I’m going to reserve judgment until we see if she takes the next Bachelorette gig. Did I mention she looked hot?

Well, there it is. With the Amazing Count at a respectable 67 and the Journey Count at a disappointing 15 we head back to the U.S. A. for the hometown dates. I’m certain things will get interesting (let’s hope so) from here on out. Again, I’m sorry for the delayed posting, but sometimes responsibility gets in the way of the fun. I hope it was worth the wait. Until next week, take care of yourselves, enjoy your Summer, and if you need me, I’ll be ironing my red, backless, pants—in Charlotte, of course. DP

57 comments:

  1. That episode was so boring. Thanks for doing us a solid by making it seem way more entertaining on account of your wit and knowledge and skills and stuff. It looks like Ryan comes back in Fiji or wherever they go when it's down to the last 2. I could barely tolerate him before. It makes me want to take up drinking to get through that. Thanks for the Few Good Men reference and all the "gorges" ones as well. Glad you got some Emily time. Also laughed at the "new bangs" and your tongue gets more action stuff.
    ~Cariss

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  2. So many great lines this week. Great work, DP. For me this one was the best:

    "Hell, I use more lip and tongue action trying to savor the last few drops of Lone Star from an almost empty bottle than that."

    -MH

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  3. It's good to be back after the break. Glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for waiting! DP

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  4. Ashley is undoubtedly the worst bachelorette in the history of the show. The whining self-doubt is excruciating to watch. I'm actually hoping that Bentley makes a last-minute comeback so as to spare JP, Ben, Constantine, and Ames from getting stuck with her. There's no "winning" for the remaining guys at this point, 'cause the prize sucks. Pretty sure ABC is paying them to stick around and act marginally interested.

    Side note: Ames rules. He is an absolute force of priveledged preppiness, he's clever and funny, and I adore him. He can bring his red britches over to my place anytime. I can't wait to see his family- that will be the high point of the season!

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  5. I have a few things to say...

    Everything about this paragraph is perfectly hilarious to me: "Ashley talks like a high school cheerleader as she tells us that the date is “right out of a fairy tale.” Right, we all know the fairy tale about the wine making prince and his magic moped from Taiwan, don’t we? I found myself hoping that this fairy tale would involve a poison apple that would leave Ashley catatonic in some cave somewhere for a while. Speaking of fairies, I wondered what Ames was doing."

    I, too, am excited for the Ames hometown date. And I love the previews where Constantine discusses that he just might not be ready to propose in 3 weeks...ya think??!!

    Sad to see Lucas go, but happy for the Texas ladies!!

    And finally, on a personal note, thanks for the A Few Good Men reference. Right next to Beaches, it's one of my favorites:)

    Good to have you back...you rocked it!

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  6. Loved the recap as always, DP! When Ashley was booting him, Ryan looked like the Puss-in-Boots character from Shrek doing his "pity me and give me my way" look.

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  7. Glad to have you back and glad to see that you are coming around to loving Ames as I do. When Emily stepped out of the limo in the short white skirt you were the first thing that popped into my head!

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  8. My first Laugh Out Loud moment from this was "Ames in an outfit he probably had in his suitcase." Priceless. Also loved the Ben "gave her some new bangs" and "taken his moped into the gorge" lines. And the Garanimals and Stride-Rites. Awww.
    Up until now, JP was my favorite, but his whining was too annoying this week. Seriously, he's on the Bachelorette. What was he expecting? sheesh.
    Thanks again for giving me a reason to keep watching this wreck of a season, DP. Or maybe we should be mad at you for that? :)
    Clare from NJ

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  9. Pajama jeans!!! Love it. Wonder if Derek and the boys have Puked themselves up from the ground after reading about Some Guy's lip and tongue action with the bottle! Great job, thoroughly entertained by your writing, not this God awful season.

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  10. Hilarious post, as usual. :) The only part of next week's episode that I am looking forward to is seeing the sprawling estate where Ames was raised. I'm surprised, DP, that there was no mention of the comment Ames made when Lucas emerged from the dressing room wearing that hideous gold frock: "It's very slimming, at least." Seriously, what guy uses the word slimming?

    Ames is by far my favorite, which means I hope that he does not end up "winning" Ashley -- but I hope he does make it to the fantasy suite date, for reasons that should be obvious.

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  11. I'm with Mary - the line about fairies and Ames was "Amazing", ya know? Good, solid stuff DP. Thanks for the laughs!

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  12. Worth the wait! Always enjoyed the comments but nice job give Ames props for being who he is. Can't fault someone for being true to themselves.

    Bonus points for all the gorges phasing as well :)

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  13. Great post as always - was definitely worth the wait! My fav. lines from this week --- "After washing off the remaining cheese from her date with Ryan, Ashley dons a Princess Leia dress, dabs on her favorite scent—Eau de Poonani—and hits the Lair of Seclusion for some deep thought." -HAHAHA!

    I too am excited to see Ames hometown date. When he came out in the 1980's prom tuxedo, I thought to myself - that's going to make great material for Some Guy's blog!

    Thanks again for making my work day a little more bearable with your humor

    -Some Girl in California

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  14. I LOVE AMES!!! His hometown date will be the highlight of the season...unless he makes it to the Fantasy Suite (unlikely)--that would be freakin epic.

    Just wanted to say that I also really love reading a guy's thoughts on this trainwreck we all love to hate. Thanks for subjecting yourself to this show every week just for our entertainment, DP! Great stuff as usual!

    P.S. I totally look at Ashley's shoes in every outfit to see if she is wearing "F-me pumps." She usually is.

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  15. YOu can tell how much she likes a guy by the height of her heels...with Ryan, she was wearing flats...Poor Ryan with the cartoon expressions of shock turning to despair, the close up of his dilated pupils (shock), the furrowed eyebrows, the slump in his shoulders. I laughed when he was talking about the water heaters! Ashley looked so freaking bored, she looked like she would rather be ANYWHERE else. I did feel sorry for him though.

    Good job AS ALWAYS...the height of my Tuesdays is reading your blog. So many LOL moments and I mean that with a capital LOL.

    My husband, (who never watches) came in during the rose ceremony and started immediately mocking poor Ames and his slack jawed expressions. Whats with that guy? I mean, I like hime but there is something off about his face...don't know.

    And I must say JP showed a little of his human side. I thought the guy was a rock. Must REALLY like this girl. I liked that he was jealous, made him even more attractive to me. As long as he doesn't carry it too far into "crazy" land...I mean bad crazy.
    Pat

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  16. Interesting take on the jealousy. Apparently, there is "good jealous" and "bad jealous.". I think we all agree the we love Ames and can't wait for his hometown. Thanks for commenting. DP

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  17. It was a long wait, but well worth it. Your comments were spot on, I like it you never miss the small details. Loved the reference to Col. Jessup, by the way.

    Favorite line for me was this: "and I faded into the end of another Lone Star Beer thankful for the opportunity to hit pause and empty my bladder like a stray mutt on a Taipei love lantern."

    The dog peeing on the lantern had to be the best moment in the franchise's history, a perfect allegory of what this season is like. Kudos to the dog and his owner.

    I also see JP as the only one fool enough to propose to Ashley at the end. With his jealousy and her insecurities, it spells "Doomed".

    Can't wait to see Ames's hometown visit and his family, been waiting for it since the first week.

    Glad you got to see Emily and her little short skirt. She is beautiful, poised, and can do so much better than Brad.

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  18. Though I'm not attracted to Ames at all, he is so articulate, amiable and well-mannered, he must be named Miss, I mean, Mr. Congeniality of this beauty pageant. I completely agree with DP and everyone that his hometown visit will be the highlight of a soporific season. (Note to Ashley: an actual Penn alum uses more than 1 or 2 syllable words.)

    Must give props to Derek, who named Ames as best boy toy from day one, and to DP for capitalizing on great material when he sees it. Welcome back!

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  19. Forgot to ask: why so much venom directed at Ryan? I can see how his Type A personality would annoy the mostly Type B guys in the house, but didn't anyone feel for him at all?

    After several safety roses, Ashley finally gives the guy a date (if watching tai chi and religious rituals can be called
    that), then kicks him to the curb because her connection is stronger with guys she's hung out with three times as long, which was entirely her choice. Pretty darn harsh, if you ask me.

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  20. Wendy in MN almost COJuly 13, 2011 at 4:00 PM

    I had plenty of time to hop onto ABC or HULU last night to watch Monday nights episode, but it's so much more fun to watch it through your blog instead.

    At this point I only watch to see what situation Ames will be put into where he'll continue to surprise us with his grace, charm, poise and wardrobe.

    Thanks for the laughs as always DP! Don't leave us alone that long again!

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  21. dp2, Ryan always struck me as a self-important, sanctimonious jackass. Apparently, the other guys agree. I think Ashley (even though oblivious to social cues) saw that early. I'm sure he's not a bad guy but he's just a little "much." DP

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  22. When Ames was bending over to receive his rose, did anyone noticed the row of safety pins in the back of his jacket? Ashley's lip sucking, picking her teeth with her tongue, hospital gown blouses, make it stop!

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  23. Excellent recap, DP. For the first time this season, I happened to see a little of the show. Maybe I caught JP on a bad night, maybe it was the editing, but JP gave me the creeps. Not just bad crazy, but stalker crazy. And Ames ROCKS! I'd hire him to redecorate my house (if I could afford it.) Ryan had almost convinced me to switch to tankless water heaters before Ashley dumped him. I'm just shocked he didn't see that coming--does anybody discuss water heaters on a GOOD date? Thanks again for a hilarious recap.

    Susan

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  24. "I’ve seen primates with straighter gaits" WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!! That was worth the wait! Great post!

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  25. DP, LOVED IT!!! I would pay to see those backless red pants (Did I say that outloud?) This was so funny and I remember watching just thinking what you would come up with. You and Lincee never let us down. I will say that my husband commented that something has to be wrong with Emily. He doesn't think she is as innocent as she looks. Of course I also thought of you when I saw the white skirt. Hope you enjoyed that! Great blog again!
    Kim in Nevada

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  26. Greetings from Canada ! I am soooo glad I found ya all - thank you DP for keeping me entertained and sane whilst having some folks to share the pain with. Love love love your posts !

    Hard to pic a comment that stood out and made me really LOL but I think I have to go with the ""I’ve seen primates with straighter gaits"...OMG too funny. Now admittedly, I did notice poor Ryan's pigeon toedness but fear not, it appears that he will be returning for round two and I will be paying close attention.

    I was hoping you might comment on Ashley saying she threw out a water bottle and then conceding well,,,she "didn't know much about that" or something lame to that effect. WTF? I mean come ON Ashley - who on the planet does not know about recycling ? Thoughts anyone ?

    Ashley justs gets dumb and dumber every single week.

    Thanks for the laughs !

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  27. oops correction re above - I did *not* notice Ryans...well you know.

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  28. Stacy C. you are too much, girl! You hit the nail on the head....literally. Some Guy's lip and tongue action on the bottle comment had me and the boys screaming, "OMG!!! He did not just say that!!! Oh, well...as I always say, "forbidden fruit". Oh, and by the way, thanks DP2...I'm glad that you agree with us on Ames. He is such a little sweetheart. Maybe when he's done wasting his time with Ashley he can make a special trip to South Beach and come visit me and the boys. He needs to be treated like the special little man that he is.

    Also, I was so sorry to see Texas Lucas go. He was stoic when he left. He's a kind hearted man, but remained so strong in defeat. Me and the boys just gasped and fell in love with that cute little cowboy.

    Anyway, hated to see Lucas go, but thank goodness that Ryan finally got the boot. Ames may be openly gay, but Ryan is ready to pop that jock, get naked and exit the closet. Just sayin....

    -Derek and the boys from South Beach

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  29. I noticed the pins on Ames' jacket! I wonder if he lost weight this season, or borrowed the jacket or what? I think they tried to hide it after he got the rose, but it was definitely noticeable while he was getting it.

    DP, I loved your rant about Ryan and his environmental conscious lifestyle. So funny!

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  30. Granted, Ashley has more issues than my life-time subscription to People Weekly, but I'm perplexed at the comments about her looks. Somehow in the however-many seasons of the Bachelorette, ABC has managed to drum up more horsey-faced women than a Sarah Jessica Parker look-alike contest. Ashley's no Mr. Ed. All banging aside, she's cute. Admit it. She really is.
    Now that wardrobe. I could find better duds at the .99 Cent Only store. Who dresses that girl???
    I was expecting way-more comments on cry-baby Ryan?! But this week's was once again---o-BOMB-a Can't wait till next week...!!

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  31. Red, backless pants . . . you crack me up!

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  32. Anon, honestly I see nothing "cute" about her. Nice body maybe but her personality is a beating and she's progressively one dimensional. I can't admit what I don't see. She's a dud. Jillian, on the other hand, had a similar build and was not racially attractive to me but I found her fun and interesting. Ergo, "cute." Ashley is not. DP

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  33. Uh oh, that was supposed to be "facially" attractive. Freaking auto correct. Changes things, doesn't it? DP

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  34. Howling with laughter in San Francisco over "This b$tch should stick to being a fake dentist" and your red backless pants. Thanks for putting in the extra time on top of a heavy workweek. Texas Tea

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  35. Along the way there have been guys this season that are douchelords (thanks heartamber) and others that I think are pretty decent guys. However, there are two guys that I just can't come to a conclusion on. Even though I found Ryan to be the most annoying guy on the show, I kept second guessing myself. This guy is successful, happy and a decent looking guy. So I keep asking myself...why do I find him and his positive thinking so annoying? Isn't that a good quality? Am I completely off base with the way I feel about him?
    JP, on the other hand, I actually like. However, I find his little temper tantrums and mood swings to be a recipe for disaster. Even though I see possible personality flaws coming to the surface, I still like the guy. What gives?

    I would love to hear the girls weigh in and tell me what you think of JP and Ryan.

    -MH

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  36. By the way, Lucas was my pick and I liked him the best. I agree with you Derek....he was stoic in defeat. I made sure to point that out to my wife when he Ashley sent him packing. Somehow, I don't think he will have too much trouble finding the right gal.

    -MH

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  37. Good points, MH but I have to disagree. JP is just stir crazy and the show is in his head. He'll even out if he wins. Ryan, on the other hand, is a permanent cheese. He thinks he's better than everyone and I'm sure that gets in the way of his real life just like it did on the show. He'll have to tone it down if he wants a long term relationship. DP

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  38. I have to go with some guy on this one ... I liked JP from the get-go, was disappointed in him the other night, but if he really feels something for her, it's natural to get a little jealous. Just hope it stays good jealous and not bad jealous! After the guys are split up and not staying in the same place, where they're all talking about her and seeing each other leave and return from dates with her, maybe he'll settle down and get some confidence as a front runner. I imagine being in the mansion must add to that stress when you've determined you really like someone.
    And Ryan's just self-absorbed. You can tell by the way he talks to people -- even about boring crap -- that he assumes everybody is just so pleased to be with the great guy that he sees himself to be. A little humility would help him out.
    Clare in NJ

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  39. Very entertaining. “Ashrey changy crows” made me spray spit on my computer screen.

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  40. 1st great laugh - Constantine matching his lions - great mental picture. Also, Harrison winking in morse code, hilarious. I think that money must be really tight on this show, the dates are very lame and don't even really qualify as a date. Maybe they're spending the date budget on traveling "around the world" and if that's the case, they should stop it and have better dates.

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  41. I've also been wondering about the uninspired dates. Do you think Ashley is consulted? I recall her confessing to Brad a fear of flying and we've yet to see any helicopters or private jets this season. Also, no daredevil stunts, hot tubs, and only one pool party that I can remember.

    Maybe anon is correct and there are budgetary constraints limiting choices to the ever-exciting strolls and train rides we've witnessed. DP, what about a contest in which we offer more interesting date ideas for Ashley and her suitors. Derek will probably win again, but it could provide for some fun discussion!

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  42. We are due for a contest. I'll think one up and post it next week. DP

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  43. DP and Clare in NJ....My gut feeling was that I liked JP and disliked Ryan, so I agree with you both. Just wanted to make sure that I was not overlooking anything with regards to JP and not being to harsh on Ryan. Thanks!

    -MH

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  44. I like JP. He's a little cocky, a little impatient, and a lot Long Island. For me, that explains a lot.

    Ryan is as fake as a two headed coin. He's cheesy and unnatural.

    ...and I totally know people who dress like Ames. His clothes are very Vineyard Vines. Having gone to an Ivy League school in New England, I know of his ilk very very well. Although I will say, I now live in Nashville, and there are plenty of guys rocking the Southern swoop hair, colored pants, topsiders, and croakies attaching their sunglasses to them.

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  45. Ames' clothes are right out of what some of the summer tourists wore when I was in high school. (lived in the Hamptons). I agree with Lindsey on that point. Just a different breed of people. Kinda 80's too. Not to get off the subject, I've been noticing a lot of neon clothing. Is that style really back?!...Great recap as usual! Made my day.
    Paula K

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  46. I absolutely loved your recap, as always! It makes me laugh out-loud and I look forward to it every week. Thanks so much for keeping us laughing and watching this awful season. Ashley is boring and annoying and I agree with one of the other posters and I think you who said that no one is going to win if they make it to the end with her.

    Props to the Few Good Men reference. Love that movie!!! Also props on the Ames' comments. I too think he is a great guy who was obviously raised in a very privilege lifestyle. More power to him. Thanks for your hilarious commentary.
    Erin

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  47. I thought Ryan was a doucher. He had that blank smile on his face and seemed either fake or like one of those batshit crazy people that just want to be settled down and married so badly. I didn't think he had a lot of depth either. I think JP is likable. I think what he is going through is pretty natural, but no one cares to see a grown man acting like a child because he is jealous. How many of the girls have we seen act like loonies because of their insecurity? He was my first pick because he was very amiable, comfortable, and seemed genuine. To be honest, I find him boring now. I find everyone on this season boring. Over it! Praying for fresh Bachelor meat or I might be off the bandwagon. I seriously can't sit through 5 mins of an episode. I record it and watch it while fast forwarding!

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  48. I would pay good money to watch DP make out with that Lone Star bottle....

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  49. One Girl, Define "good money" and you may have a deal. Incidentally, you can go to about 1 of 3 honky tonks in Austin on any night of the week and see that for free. DP

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  50. Oh Some Guy, we just LOVE watching you walk down Congress Avenue at lunch time. Me and the girls caught you from not so afar at our usual table outside at Annie's. Your J.P. inspired haircut looks wonderful on you--as do your jeans and boots. We would have whistled but we didn't want to interrupt your walk. Thanks for "dessert."

    Love, Donna and Some Girls in Austin

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  51. Donna, Please thank the girls for me. It's always nice to be unknowingly fondled from a distance on a public sidewalk. I did indeed buzz my hair but that's heat inspired rather than it is JP inspired. I'm just glad I remembered to wear my special underwear today. Stop my next time. I'll sign your boobs or something. Thanks for noticing! Have a great weekend. DP

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  52. MH, I agree with the JP and Ryan comments, however I am also like you and think that Ryan isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be. He almost reminds me of a person who has never traveled or had many girlfriends in his lifetime. I do think he will make someone out there very happy as he seems like the type to fall hard, be loyal and last forever once he finds the right girl. JP is just plain HOT!!!
    Kim in Nevada

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  53. Been busy! Finally got a chance to read your post this week. (Really missed you last week.)
    Jealous of Donna & the girls in Austin. You rock!

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  54. great post DP, glad Ames found an appropriate moment to dig out that ruffle tux. my husband cracked me up this week when he announced that Ames looked like Bart Simpson. and somehow, he totally does. but we love you too Ames!! Alisa :)

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  55. I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now and I must say, WELL DONE. I only watch The Bachelor/ette every so often and after reading your blog I thought I would start to watch it religiously. However, I caught an episode of Ashley being completely annoying about how sad she was about what's-his-face that I couldn't stand to watch it any longer. (Un)Fortunately, I gave up the show, but I still continue to read and find your take HILARIOUS.

    Furthermore, after reading this post, I just had to comment! I'm actually from the town right next to Cumming, GA. In fact, my boyfriend is from there. Let me just say...if you're looking for any souvenirs, you don't have to go to the visitors center. All you have to do is stroll into the local Mellow Mushroom and you can purchase a "I Love Cumming!" t-shirt. Yes, it's true. The residents of Cumming get as much joy out of the name of their town as the rest of us.

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  56. man sorry if someone here really enjoy this kind of program, byt the true is that is totally silly! what kind of TV show make a program about a men finding someone with who married? there's real women in the real world waiting for you!!!!

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