Ali Bachelorette Episode 9: Frank Tanks

It’s Episode 9 and I’m three weeks closer to being relegated to writing about the Bachelor Pad. In the meantime, I choose to savor each moment of The Bachelorette like each sip from a bottle of cold Lone Star beer or each simple, elegant note from a Willie Nelson ballad like “The Last Thing I Needed the First Thing this Morning.” Besides, y’all love to read this stuff and I enjoy envisioning you each taking time out of an otherwise productive work day to read this and snicker quietly in your cubicles, offices, or break rooms. Let’s get to it.

We begin this week with an L.A. sunrise and Ali’s voiceover letting us know that Tahiti—our next destination—is the “perfect place to fall in love.” Oddly enough, so were San Francisco, New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, every passenger compartment in every helicopter ever rented this season, and the area immediately below the Hollywood sign. Regardless, Ali is excited.

We cut to Chris L. in his Garanimals knit striped collared shirt and cargo shorts doing some heavy thinking amongst the palms. We get a recap of his “journey” toward finding love, are reminded again that his mother passed away, and remember that he gave Ali the Dennis bracelet. He’s ready to open up to Ali he tells us as we see him stuffing his unironed clothes into his Dora the Explorer big boy suit case and leaving the hotel in search of his monkey, Boots, and a Spanish speaking squirrel with a driver’s license to get him to his bungalow in Tahiti.

We move to Roberto and his dimples and continue our formula. Roberto relives his “journey” with Ali and we see his Livestrong bracelet wooing her right along with his dimples and cleft chin. The producers—aware of last week’s focus group comments—give us a parting shot of Roberto in his baseball uniform as he recalls his spontaneous street dancing and packs his stuff into his big red suitcase. He carefully places his Lion King CD atop his pheromone soaked t-shirts and fondly remembers the ingenious c*ck block he laid down on all of the men when he sang directly to Ali and won a part as a scantily clad pornographic extra in the Broadway production of the play. Ahh, memories . . . or is it mammaries? Semantics aside, Roberto is anxious to win Ali’s heart now that there is no longer any psycho waiting around to guard and protect it.

We next turn to Frank (insert collective frown here) in his bad guy black sweater and matching black and gray plaid oxford delightfully accented with his embroidered chick jeans. He might be the bad guy this week, but damn it, he’s going to look stylish doing it. Not surprisingly, we see Frank meticulously packing his Mad Men and undertaker suits into his wrinkle free bag in hopes that they emerge as crisp and lintless as when he put them there. He sees Ali as fun, romantic, and sexy but lets us know that he’s—SURPRISE—an emotional wreck because of his rediscovered feelings for his ex, Nicole. I’m surprised Jake didn’t reemerge in his pilot’s uniform in order to tell Ali at this point. I assume he’s busy boxing up Vienna’s bean bag chair, EZ Bake Oven, and frantically dialing the cell phone in the hopes that his former agent picks up the phone. Frank tells us that he needs a detour to Chicago in order to pick up his allowance at his folk’s place and talk it out with Nicole. We assume he begs Harrison to do him a solid and spring for a ticket.

Frank arrives in Chicago but doesn’t go to his parent’s house to change. Instead, he wanders the streets of the Windy City in search of Nicole. He tells us that he’s nervous and unsure of himself. Don’t worry Frank, I thought. You were nervous and unsure about being an accountant and weren’t sure if you wanted to be a screenwriter until you failed at both, quit, and moved back in with your parents. That seemed to work out fine . . .I guess.

Frank lies and tells us that he hasn’t talked to Nicole in months and we pray that she’s been contacted by the show’s producers in order to provide a current address and complete the proper pre-interview process in addition to signing the appropriate release paperwork so that Frank can “find” her and make out with her on camera. Frank crosses the same intersection several times (nice editing) and tells us that he’s nervous twice as many times as he crossed the intersection. Frank is eventually given the mysterious address and he “surprises” Nicole in what appeared to be her dorm room at the University of Indecisiveness. Apparently, she’s wrapping up her undergrad work there. She met Frank while he was a Research Assistant working on his Ph.D.

Nicole answers the door in—you guessed it—a canary yellow shirt proving she’s in on it. She does a poor job of pretending to be surprised. “Can I talk to you?” Frank asks. Yes? “Can I bring an entire camera crew into your dorm room?” He follows. Nicole says yes and scurries inside to hide her skull bong and weed stash before grabbing a seat on the colorless couch in her colorless room in order to hear Frank profess his indecisiveness in front of America. To be fair, she and Frank were probably indecisive about the color scheme and opted for a neutral look. After a series of unedited silences and a close up of Nicole’s prodigious proboscis, Frank finally gets to the point. Ali is cool…blah, blah, blah…he had a good time…blah, blah, blah…but he loves Nicole and wants to be with her. I couldn’t help but wonder if this relationship was the product of some odd arranged marriage propagated by Frank’s family in an effort to confirm his heterosexuality. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, an arranged marriage is where your parents force you to marry a crazy woman that they like instead of letting you find a crazy one that you like on your own. My worries aside, what’s her face appeared touched.

After a pause for more dramatic silence, Nicole tells Frank that since his departure for reality fame, she’s been “consumed with him every day” and we all hoped that Frank doesn’t own a pet bunny and a large boiling pot. Check that. We all hoped that Frank’s parents don’t own a pet bunny and a large boiling pot. It’s been “sickening” and “heartbreaking” to know he’s been traveling the world with 25 other dudes trying to get in Ali’s pants. After all, Nicole still digs him. She gets him. Hell, she helped him pick out his jeans. After seeing that she’s just as wishy washy as Frank, I actually saw their “amazing connection” and understood what Frank was getting at. He struck me as honest and sincere. More about that later. Nicole, proving she’s just as vapid as Ali, actually drops the “you complete me” line on Frank and they kiss. Apparently, she sat around watching Jerry McGuire in anticipation of Frank’s arrival. Ironically, Frank and Nicole found love on the show. I know, I know, so did Ryan and Trista. Please.

Proving that he’s not a complete idiot, after Nicole tells him to “come home” Frank tells her that he’s happy to do so . . . right after he takes his free trip to Tahiti. Oh, he’s scared, he tells her, but f*ck it, he’s going anyway. Oh, and by the way Nicole, clear out some closet space and a small shelf in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Frank needs a place to live when he gets back. Nice job, Frank. Nice job. At least he told her the truth. Then again, “betrayal is the only truth that sticks,” Arthur Miller once wrote. We can’t wait to see how Ali takes the news.

We cut directly to an unsuspecting Ali arriving via speedboat like Sonny Crockett to a Miami drug bust. Tahiti is “magical” she tells us, just like San Francisco, L.A., New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, every passenger compartment in every helicopter ever rented this season, and the area immediately below the Hollywood sign. Sporting a pink tank top and some very hippy white linen pants, Ali seems excited.

In a very Tarkovsky-esque montage we see memorable images of Tahiti’s exceptional beauty, running water accompanied by fire, rain clouds, reflections, and long panoramic shots of this week’s paradise and wonder how many of Marlon Brando’s illegitimate children inhabit the island. I was reminded of Melville’s novel about the South Pacific named Omoo, not because I’m smart or anything but because a college professor I had once lived in Tahiti and worked it into her curriculum in lieu of ol’ Herman’s better works. While most people were reading Moby Dick, I was busy indulging her unresolved loss of youth and her unrelenting lamentation of a passionate, yet fleeting fling with a local Polynesian boy by being forced to read an inferior novel. Sigh….I should have taken the 9am class instead of opting for the much easier to attend 11:30am. I digress.

In a moment of foreshadowing, Ali arrives at the dock in Tehaha, Tahiti and gets leied. Looking very much like a post-meltdown Britney Spears in her sunglasses, Ali iterates her feelings for the boys and says she looks forward to the dates. She then dons a pink bikini and jumps off of her balcony in this season’s best non-sequiter.

We cut next to Roberto who tells us that he’s been awarded the first date with Ali. Translation: He gets first crack at closing the deal in the Fantasy Suite. Let’s not sugar coat it, folks. It is what it is and Roberto is ready. I’ll spare you all the baseball metaphors.

Ali arrives in a yellow and white tank with a matching flower in her hair extensions. She’s missed him. He’s missed her. They hug and miss each other more and the date begins. Roberto emerges from the tropics in his gray standby t-shirt and board shorts sweating like a fat kid on the playground. Ali looks terribly apple-y in her burlap pants as the two approach the 50th helicopter we’ve seen this season. Apparently, that company offers a bulk discount. Ali and Roberto board the helicopter and proceed to cuddle, sweat on each other, itch each other’s hands, and “SO” everything each other. Their destination is a secluded, heart-shaped island that doesn’t really look like a heart named Tupai. Ali does her best to talk it up in her testimonial as she sports a muted gold Fay Wray strappy dress clearly held in place by two-sided tape along with those rubber things you put in the bottom of your bra to enhance the look of your Tahahas. Both worked. For a moment, I felt like I was watching that new Ochocinco show instead of The Bachelorette. Nine episodes in and now she decides to accent her cans? Odd.

Tastefully filmed from the side, Ali drops her burlap pants revealing her hot pink bottoms along with her canary yellow bikini top. Just Add Water could not have sold that set together, we think, as we imagine Ali’s dilemma back at her bungalow.

Sure, the pink bottoms look cuter on than the yellow, but yellow is my signature color. What should I do (insert pouty lip face in the mirror here)? Whatever.

Roberto loses his sweaty t-shirt and tests Ali’s weight gain by going with a quick pick up and run before frolicking, running, and sucking face in the surf ensues. We get some From Here to Eternity beach make out scenes as Roberto does his Spanish Burt Lancaster impression. Their conversation was repetitive and meaningless, but both seemed to be having a good time. He played the Mexican Christopher Atkins to her blonde headed Brooke Shields as they shared meaningful glances in the lagoon.

After washing the sand out of her hooha, Ali arrives at dinner in the Fay Wray dress ready for Roberto to give her hooters a test drive. Roberto arrives looking musked up and ready for action in his pinstriped oxford shirt, linen Capri pants, and some sneakers he borrowed from Chris L. as we imagine the song “Some Enchanted Evening” playing in the background. Come on, we’re in Tahiti. I had to throw in a South Pacific reference. Technically, I don’t know if Tahiti counts, but Hell, if you don’t get it, at least the Weatherman will appreciate the show tune shout out.

In a rare misstep, Roberto tells us that he has feelings for Ali but wants to be sure that they are “reciprocated back.” Oblivious to the redundancy of it all, Ali carefully studies Roberto’s dimples and lets her mind wander ahead to the Fantasy Suite. I’ll spare you the baseball metaphors. Ali and her up do are clearly nervous as Roberto tells her he can see them together. He’s been doing some thinking and now he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. He tells her that he’s just going to “open up and put it out there.” We all know he is.

Before he opens up and puts it out there, Roberto tells Ali that he just possibly might be sort of falling for her and Ali displays her tiny teeth in approval and her eyes sparkle like a Tahitian lagoon. They decide to explore the surprisingly small confines of the Fantasy Suite and we depart with Ali undressing Roberto. We assume she opened up and he put it out there. “Am I the first man you made love to?” Roberto asks. “You might be,” she answers, “your face looks familiar.” Don’t worry Ali, the only time it’s wrong to have sex before marriage is if it makes you late for the ceremony. Congrats on bagging Roberto.

After washing the Tupai off her Tahaha, Ali prepares to meet Chris L. for their date. We get a toe to head panning shot of Ali in her striped bikini top, mercifully rufflely skirt/bottom, and brown sweater contemplating her enchanting evening with Roberto until Chris L. rounds the corner in board shorts and an orange crossing guard shirt hoping to mop up some sloppy seconds.

She missed him. He missed her. They miss each other some more, hug, and the date begins. Ali let’s Chris L. know that they are going to “take like the biggest, most luxurious, like catamaran in Tahiti” on an exploratory trip. Speaking of exploratory trips, I wondered what Roberto was doing. Ali fails to mention her exploratory trip on the biggest, most luxurious Spaniard on the island the night before. Details.

Ali points out Bora Bora and the other land marks she went over in her talking points session with the location scouts and wonders aloud to Chris L. “Like how is this on the same planet as, like, Massachusetts?”

Well, Ali, Earth (or the Earth) is the third planet from the Sun, and the densest and fifth-largest of the eight planets in the Solar System (Pluto was demoted a few years ago). It is also the largest of the Solar System's four terrestrial planets. It is sometimes referred to as the World, the Blue Planet, or by its Latin name, Terra. Home to millions of species including humans, Earth is currently the only place in the universe where life is known to exist. The Earth provides the (currently understood) requisite conditions of liquid water, an environment where complex organic molecules can assemble, and sufficient energy to sustain metabolism. The distance of the Earth from the Sun, as well as its orbital eccentricity, rate of rotation, axial tilt, geological history, sustaining atmosphere and protective magnetic field all contribute to the conditions believed necessary to originate and sustain life on this planet. The biosphere is divided into a number of biomes, inhabited by broadly similar plants and animals. On land, biomes are separated primarily by differences in latitude, height above sea level, and humidity.

That’s how. Someone get this broad an iPhone and load the Wikipedia App, for crying out loud.

For some unknown reason, Ali and Chris L. don pooka bead necklaces and discuss the hometown visit. Frankly, Chris L. is a nice guy and he seems to really like Ali. He’s probably her best pick if she doesn’t talk herself out of it. They cuddle some and Chris L. seems really into making out. We wonder if he’s really that into her or if he’s just enamored by the residual Roberto pheromones undoubtedly left over from last night’s romp on El Cuarto del Fantasy. Chris L. tells us that he feel like he’s 12 years old when he’s with Ali and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, that explains his wardrobe.

Chris L. and Ali swim for shore and Chris L. puts on his best plaid shirt. Plaid in Tahiti? Dude, come on. Ali breaks out her oversized white linen pants and they wade to dinner. They both whisper. In fact, they whispered so much that I almost missed an “amazing.” The fantasy suite card comes and Chris L. decides that what’s good enough for Roberto is good enough for him. Ali drinks plenty of water and lots of cranberry juice (that’s funny and you know it) and they eventually retire to a much larger Fantasy Suite with a private pool where we can only assume that Chris L. weeded and remulched Ali’s flower beds.

We next cut to a shot of Frank arriving via boat to drop the Nicole news to Ali. If stress was a rhinestone, Frank would be Liberace. He’s stressed, but finally happy that he’s in an appropriate environment for his Bermuda shorts. He actually had the balls to wear a yellow shirt. He’s ready to drop the hammer, but first, he needs to have a talk with Harrison.

Harrison arrives and sees Frank’s yellow cotton oxford with his turquoise linen button down and sits down to boost the ratings. Harrison listens, uninterested, giving Frank cues along the way. “What’s up?” “Really?” “Sure.” is all he can manage. When Frank is done with his allocution, Harrison turns the screws by telling Frank that he’s “blown away” and properly using the word “reciprocated” in a sentence. Take that, Roberto. I found myself feeling sorry for Frank. Stay with me here. The guy was an indecisive, neurotic, wishy washy, mess all season. He finally accepts his feelings, comes clean, and owns it. He’s finally made a decision. He’s in love. Isn’t that what this show is allegedly about?

Frank sweats and Harrison—clearly in a Zen-like trance inside his air conditioned suite—does not. Harrison encourages Frank to tell Ali, gives him marching orders, and it’s on. Harrison splits in order to down a few rum runners with some Polynesian dancers before being summoned to sop up the mess that Ali is about to become. Frank broods and paces.

After putting her Bora Bora’s back in place after her fantasy date with Chris L., Ali prepares for some Frank time. We see the most pathetically optimistic portions of Ali’s testimonial as she tells us how encouraged she is to see Frank in Tahiti. That was a little mean. We see Ali walking knowingly toward Frank’s bungalow and we see a close up of her looking innocent and sweet like a mouse before it’s dropped into the python cage. She tells us that she plans to take Frank sailing and we wonder if Harrison wasn’t boozing it up with some of the staffers on that boat so as not to let the rental money go to waste.

Frank pauses, hems and haws, but eventually drops the hammer as kindly as he can as the flower in Ali’s hair wilts and falls before she eventually throws it to the ground. Just then, in a modest house in a quaint Houston suburb Lincee Ray hit pause on her DVR and scribbled “that’s symbolism” on her yellow note pad. Symbolism indeed. Frank cries, apologizes, and feels badly. Not realizing he’s done her a favor, Ali cries, makes her hair look like a rats’ nest, gets angry, and then leaves after a cursory hug from Frank to go pout on the beach.

Alright, here’s my male perspective on the Frank thing. I realize I’m setting myself up for some debate, but here goes.

I honestly thought that what went down between Frank and Nicole was the most romantic and sincere thing that’s ever happened on this show. (Yes, I know Ryan and Trista are still married and have kids.) Sure, it wasn’t as spontaneous as it was made to appear, but what is on this show? Frank, single at the time of the show, started by seeking out Ali but realized he could not be without someone he’d once cared for deeply. He struggled to make sense of it all. I imagine that when it hit him he was half way across the world in the middle of filming the show. The Justin situation could not have helped either.

Frank eventually came to grips with his feelings, did what he had to in order to confirm them, then he flew to Tahiti in order to tell Ali the truth in person rather than taking the easy way out, owned the consequences on national TV, and sincerely apologized to Ali and to Harrison before grabbing his sh*t and heading back to live in his parents’ house. Say what you want, but that took guts. Contractual obligations and free trips to Tahiti aside, when a man has the courage to be that honest a woman should appreciate how difficult that is for him to do. It was unfair of Ali to call him a coward. The alternative is to go through with the Fantasy Suite knowing good and well what will happen after a few glasses of chardonnay and some encouragement from the Producers, roll the dice at the rose ceremony, and if picked, dump her months later. Frank, albeit a victim of his own indecisiveness, did the right thing. We should embrace him for it. Now all he needs is a job, a car, and a place to live that isn’t his parents’ curtainless house.

Ali arrives shoeless at the beach in front of her bungalow and at that very moment, the staff flipped the switch on a broken heart shaped spotlight and projected it high into the sky a la the Batman signal in search of Chris Harrison. Harrison killed his last mai tai, chased it with tequila, brushed the sand off his linen trousers, tipped a Tahitian stripper, and headed confidently toward Ali’s suite. Frank packs three weeks worth of bags despite the impression that he was only there for a short time and picks up a resort brochure on the way out. You know, for his honeymoon.

Harrison finds a now angry Ali on the beach and listens to her “this always happens to me” stories as his buzz quickly wears off. This might have hit her square in the Daddy Issues Nerve but at least her roots were retouched. “The hottest love has the coldest end,” said Socrates and we are reminded of the truth of that statement as she whines and whines about it and it quickly becomes annoying. Ali clearly has an inferiority complex, which is good and bad. The bad news is that it forces her to glom on to indecisive schmucks like Frank. The good news is that she views herself as the least of her problems. Incidentally, I believe Socrates also famously said, “I drank what?” Ahh, nothing like a little hemlock humor to keep things moving.

Anyyyyhooooo….

Frank did her a favor. He removed himself from the top 3 because he had feelings for another woman. She’s left with two really good guys who apparently are actually attracted to her. To be fair, Ali is entitled to her first reaction. It’s difficult to see the good stuff in the heat of emotion. She was clearly into Frank and later tipped her hand that he was the front runner. Despite Ali’s assertion, I don’t believe that Frank “knew all along” or he’s “the biggest jerk she’s ever known.” Keep in mind she knew Justin and Craig R. Such is life, Ali.

We move to the Temporary Lair of Seclusion and see Ali in a horribly unflattering black and white “dress.” This one takes the cake. I found myself wondering if I’d solved the mystery of where Frank’s parents’ curtains had gone or if the local Tahitian outlet mall had a Mama Cass Casual Wear store in it. Seriously. The Von Trapp kids looked better in their outfits.

Harrison arrives to throw sawdust on the vomit and eventually reminds Ali that Roberto and Chris L. await. She tells Harrison that she has high hopes. Harrison tells her he’s just high. She wants them to accept the rose she offers and Harrison leaves her to get her s*it together before dropping the “Frank’s gone” news on them. Roberto and Chris L. wait silently in the rose garden. I expected one of them to lean over and say something like, “So, how was it?” but that never happened. Ali drops the news on the boys in the vaguest way possible and both men grin from ear to ear. She tells them that she wants “honor” which I found ironic considering both of them had been “on her” within the last 24 hours. They get roses and we learn that Ali’s family awaits in Bora Bora.

Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at 154, we head into the Men Tell All Episode next week, which always proves interesting. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve also decided to do a Some Guy in Austin Tells All special blog entry. Send me your questions via email at dp010835@gmail.com or in the comment section and I’ll “tell all” in a special blog entry sometime after next Tuesday but before the Final Episode. Of course, I reserve the right to waffle like Frank or simply ignore the inane questions, but I’ll try my best to answer. As always, let me know your thoughts below or via email. My prediction is Chris L. or no one. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be alone with my Tahaha. DP