Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Ali Bachelorette Episode 9: Frank Tanks

It’s Episode 9 and I’m three weeks closer to being relegated to writing about the Bachelor Pad. In the meantime, I choose to savor each moment of The Bachelorette like each sip from a bottle of cold Lone Star beer or each simple, elegant note from a Willie Nelson ballad like “The Last Thing I Needed the First Thing this Morning.” Besides, y’all love to read this stuff and I enjoy envisioning you each taking time out of an otherwise productive work day to read this and snicker quietly in your cubicles, offices, or break rooms. Let’s get to it.

We begin this week with an L.A. sunrise and Ali’s voiceover letting us know that Tahiti—our next destination—is the “perfect place to fall in love.” Oddly enough, so were San Francisco, New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, every passenger compartment in every helicopter ever rented this season, and the area immediately below the Hollywood sign. Regardless, Ali is excited.

We cut to Chris L. in his Garanimals knit striped collared shirt and cargo shorts doing some heavy thinking amongst the palms. We get a recap of his “journey” toward finding love, are reminded again that his mother passed away, and remember that he gave Ali the Dennis bracelet. He’s ready to open up to Ali he tells us as we see him stuffing his unironed clothes into his Dora the Explorer big boy suit case and leaving the hotel in search of his monkey, Boots, and a Spanish speaking squirrel with a driver’s license to get him to his bungalow in Tahiti.

We move to Roberto and his dimples and continue our formula. Roberto relives his “journey” with Ali and we see his Livestrong bracelet wooing her right along with his dimples and cleft chin. The producers—aware of last week’s focus group comments—give us a parting shot of Roberto in his baseball uniform as he recalls his spontaneous street dancing and packs his stuff into his big red suitcase. He carefully places his Lion King CD atop his pheromone soaked t-shirts and fondly remembers the ingenious c*ck block he laid down on all of the men when he sang directly to Ali and won a part as a scantily clad pornographic extra in the Broadway production of the play. Ahh, memories . . . or is it mammaries? Semantics aside, Roberto is anxious to win Ali’s heart now that there is no longer any psycho waiting around to guard and protect it.

We next turn to Frank (insert collective frown here) in his bad guy black sweater and matching black and gray plaid oxford delightfully accented with his embroidered chick jeans. He might be the bad guy this week, but damn it, he’s going to look stylish doing it. Not surprisingly, we see Frank meticulously packing his Mad Men and undertaker suits into his wrinkle free bag in hopes that they emerge as crisp and lintless as when he put them there. He sees Ali as fun, romantic, and sexy but lets us know that he’s—SURPRISE—an emotional wreck because of his rediscovered feelings for his ex, Nicole. I’m surprised Jake didn’t reemerge in his pilot’s uniform in order to tell Ali at this point. I assume he’s busy boxing up Vienna’s bean bag chair, EZ Bake Oven, and frantically dialing the cell phone in the hopes that his former agent picks up the phone. Frank tells us that he needs a detour to Chicago in order to pick up his allowance at his folk’s place and talk it out with Nicole. We assume he begs Harrison to do him a solid and spring for a ticket.

Frank arrives in Chicago but doesn’t go to his parent’s house to change. Instead, he wanders the streets of the Windy City in search of Nicole. He tells us that he’s nervous and unsure of himself. Don’t worry Frank, I thought. You were nervous and unsure about being an accountant and weren’t sure if you wanted to be a screenwriter until you failed at both, quit, and moved back in with your parents. That seemed to work out fine . . .I guess.

Frank lies and tells us that he hasn’t talked to Nicole in months and we pray that she’s been contacted by the show’s producers in order to provide a current address and complete the proper pre-interview process in addition to signing the appropriate release paperwork so that Frank can “find” her and make out with her on camera. Frank crosses the same intersection several times (nice editing) and tells us that he’s nervous twice as many times as he crossed the intersection. Frank is eventually given the mysterious address and he “surprises” Nicole in what appeared to be her dorm room at the University of Indecisiveness. Apparently, she’s wrapping up her undergrad work there. She met Frank while he was a Research Assistant working on his Ph.D.

Nicole answers the door in—you guessed it—a canary yellow shirt proving she’s in on it. She does a poor job of pretending to be surprised. “Can I talk to you?” Frank asks. Yes? “Can I bring an entire camera crew into your dorm room?” He follows. Nicole says yes and scurries inside to hide her skull bong and weed stash before grabbing a seat on the colorless couch in her colorless room in order to hear Frank profess his indecisiveness in front of America. To be fair, she and Frank were probably indecisive about the color scheme and opted for a neutral look. After a series of unedited silences and a close up of Nicole’s prodigious proboscis, Frank finally gets to the point. Ali is cool…blah, blah, blah…he had a good time…blah, blah, blah…but he loves Nicole and wants to be with her. I couldn’t help but wonder if this relationship was the product of some odd arranged marriage propagated by Frank’s family in an effort to confirm his heterosexuality. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, an arranged marriage is where your parents force you to marry a crazy woman that they like instead of letting you find a crazy one that you like on your own. My worries aside, what’s her face appeared touched.

After a pause for more dramatic silence, Nicole tells Frank that since his departure for reality fame, she’s been “consumed with him every day” and we all hoped that Frank doesn’t own a pet bunny and a large boiling pot. Check that. We all hoped that Frank’s parents don’t own a pet bunny and a large boiling pot. It’s been “sickening” and “heartbreaking” to know he’s been traveling the world with 25 other dudes trying to get in Ali’s pants. After all, Nicole still digs him. She gets him. Hell, she helped him pick out his jeans. After seeing that she’s just as wishy washy as Frank, I actually saw their “amazing connection” and understood what Frank was getting at. He struck me as honest and sincere. More about that later. Nicole, proving she’s just as vapid as Ali, actually drops the “you complete me” line on Frank and they kiss. Apparently, she sat around watching Jerry McGuire in anticipation of Frank’s arrival. Ironically, Frank and Nicole found love on the show. I know, I know, so did Ryan and Trista. Please.

Proving that he’s not a complete idiot, after Nicole tells him to “come home” Frank tells her that he’s happy to do so . . . right after he takes his free trip to Tahiti. Oh, he’s scared, he tells her, but f*ck it, he’s going anyway. Oh, and by the way Nicole, clear out some closet space and a small shelf in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Frank needs a place to live when he gets back. Nice job, Frank. Nice job. At least he told her the truth. Then again, “betrayal is the only truth that sticks,” Arthur Miller once wrote. We can’t wait to see how Ali takes the news.

We cut directly to an unsuspecting Ali arriving via speedboat like Sonny Crockett to a Miami drug bust. Tahiti is “magical” she tells us, just like San Francisco, L.A., New York, Iceland, Turkey, Portugal, every passenger compartment in every helicopter ever rented this season, and the area immediately below the Hollywood sign. Sporting a pink tank top and some very hippy white linen pants, Ali seems excited.

In a very Tarkovsky-esque montage we see memorable images of Tahiti’s exceptional beauty, running water accompanied by fire, rain clouds, reflections, and long panoramic shots of this week’s paradise and wonder how many of Marlon Brando’s illegitimate children inhabit the island. I was reminded of Melville’s novel about the South Pacific named Omoo, not because I’m smart or anything but because a college professor I had once lived in Tahiti and worked it into her curriculum in lieu of ol’ Herman’s better works. While most people were reading Moby Dick, I was busy indulging her unresolved loss of youth and her unrelenting lamentation of a passionate, yet fleeting fling with a local Polynesian boy by being forced to read an inferior novel. Sigh….I should have taken the 9am class instead of opting for the much easier to attend 11:30am. I digress.

In a moment of foreshadowing, Ali arrives at the dock in Tehaha, Tahiti and gets leied. Looking very much like a post-meltdown Britney Spears in her sunglasses, Ali iterates her feelings for the boys and says she looks forward to the dates. She then dons a pink bikini and jumps off of her balcony in this season’s best non-sequiter.

We cut next to Roberto who tells us that he’s been awarded the first date with Ali. Translation: He gets first crack at closing the deal in the Fantasy Suite. Let’s not sugar coat it, folks. It is what it is and Roberto is ready. I’ll spare you all the baseball metaphors.

Ali arrives in a yellow and white tank with a matching flower in her hair extensions. She’s missed him. He’s missed her. They hug and miss each other more and the date begins. Roberto emerges from the tropics in his gray standby t-shirt and board shorts sweating like a fat kid on the playground. Ali looks terribly apple-y in her burlap pants as the two approach the 50th helicopter we’ve seen this season. Apparently, that company offers a bulk discount. Ali and Roberto board the helicopter and proceed to cuddle, sweat on each other, itch each other’s hands, and “SO” everything each other. Their destination is a secluded, heart-shaped island that doesn’t really look like a heart named Tupai. Ali does her best to talk it up in her testimonial as she sports a muted gold Fay Wray strappy dress clearly held in place by two-sided tape along with those rubber things you put in the bottom of your bra to enhance the look of your Tahahas. Both worked. For a moment, I felt like I was watching that new Ochocinco show instead of The Bachelorette. Nine episodes in and now she decides to accent her cans? Odd.

Tastefully filmed from the side, Ali drops her burlap pants revealing her hot pink bottoms along with her canary yellow bikini top. Just Add Water could not have sold that set together, we think, as we imagine Ali’s dilemma back at her bungalow.

Sure, the pink bottoms look cuter on than the yellow, but yellow is my signature color. What should I do (insert pouty lip face in the mirror here)? Whatever.

Roberto loses his sweaty t-shirt and tests Ali’s weight gain by going with a quick pick up and run before frolicking, running, and sucking face in the surf ensues. We get some From Here to Eternity beach make out scenes as Roberto does his Spanish Burt Lancaster impression. Their conversation was repetitive and meaningless, but both seemed to be having a good time. He played the Mexican Christopher Atkins to her blonde headed Brooke Shields as they shared meaningful glances in the lagoon.

After washing the sand out of her hooha, Ali arrives at dinner in the Fay Wray dress ready for Roberto to give her hooters a test drive. Roberto arrives looking musked up and ready for action in his pinstriped oxford shirt, linen Capri pants, and some sneakers he borrowed from Chris L. as we imagine the song “Some Enchanted Evening” playing in the background. Come on, we’re in Tahiti. I had to throw in a South Pacific reference. Technically, I don’t know if Tahiti counts, but Hell, if you don’t get it, at least the Weatherman will appreciate the show tune shout out.

In a rare misstep, Roberto tells us that he has feelings for Ali but wants to be sure that they are “reciprocated back.” Oblivious to the redundancy of it all, Ali carefully studies Roberto’s dimples and lets her mind wander ahead to the Fantasy Suite. I’ll spare you the baseball metaphors. Ali and her up do are clearly nervous as Roberto tells her he can see them together. He’s been doing some thinking and now he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. He tells her that he’s just going to “open up and put it out there.” We all know he is.

Before he opens up and puts it out there, Roberto tells Ali that he just possibly might be sort of falling for her and Ali displays her tiny teeth in approval and her eyes sparkle like a Tahitian lagoon. They decide to explore the surprisingly small confines of the Fantasy Suite and we depart with Ali undressing Roberto. We assume she opened up and he put it out there. “Am I the first man you made love to?” Roberto asks. “You might be,” she answers, “your face looks familiar.” Don’t worry Ali, the only time it’s wrong to have sex before marriage is if it makes you late for the ceremony. Congrats on bagging Roberto.

After washing the Tupai off her Tahaha, Ali prepares to meet Chris L. for their date. We get a toe to head panning shot of Ali in her striped bikini top, mercifully rufflely skirt/bottom, and brown sweater contemplating her enchanting evening with Roberto until Chris L. rounds the corner in board shorts and an orange crossing guard shirt hoping to mop up some sloppy seconds.

She missed him. He missed her. They miss each other some more, hug, and the date begins. Ali let’s Chris L. know that they are going to “take like the biggest, most luxurious, like catamaran in Tahiti” on an exploratory trip. Speaking of exploratory trips, I wondered what Roberto was doing. Ali fails to mention her exploratory trip on the biggest, most luxurious Spaniard on the island the night before. Details.

Ali points out Bora Bora and the other land marks she went over in her talking points session with the location scouts and wonders aloud to Chris L. “Like how is this on the same planet as, like, Massachusetts?”

Well, Ali, Earth (or the Earth) is the third planet from the Sun, and the densest and fifth-largest of the eight planets in the Solar System (Pluto was demoted a few years ago). It is also the largest of the Solar System's four terrestrial planets. It is sometimes referred to as the World, the Blue Planet, or by its Latin name, Terra. Home to millions of species including humans, Earth is currently the only place in the universe where life is known to exist. The Earth provides the (currently understood) requisite conditions of liquid water, an environment where complex organic molecules can assemble, and sufficient energy to sustain metabolism. The distance of the Earth from the Sun, as well as its orbital eccentricity, rate of rotation, axial tilt, geological history, sustaining atmosphere and protective magnetic field all contribute to the conditions believed necessary to originate and sustain life on this planet. The biosphere is divided into a number of biomes, inhabited by broadly similar plants and animals. On land, biomes are separated primarily by differences in latitude, height above sea level, and humidity.

That’s how. Someone get this broad an iPhone and load the Wikipedia App, for crying out loud.

For some unknown reason, Ali and Chris L. don pooka bead necklaces and discuss the hometown visit. Frankly, Chris L. is a nice guy and he seems to really like Ali. He’s probably her best pick if she doesn’t talk herself out of it. They cuddle some and Chris L. seems really into making out. We wonder if he’s really that into her or if he’s just enamored by the residual Roberto pheromones undoubtedly left over from last night’s romp on El Cuarto del Fantasy. Chris L. tells us that he feel like he’s 12 years old when he’s with Ali and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, that explains his wardrobe.

Chris L. and Ali swim for shore and Chris L. puts on his best plaid shirt. Plaid in Tahiti? Dude, come on. Ali breaks out her oversized white linen pants and they wade to dinner. They both whisper. In fact, they whispered so much that I almost missed an “amazing.” The fantasy suite card comes and Chris L. decides that what’s good enough for Roberto is good enough for him. Ali drinks plenty of water and lots of cranberry juice (that’s funny and you know it) and they eventually retire to a much larger Fantasy Suite with a private pool where we can only assume that Chris L. weeded and remulched Ali’s flower beds.

We next cut to a shot of Frank arriving via boat to drop the Nicole news to Ali. If stress was a rhinestone, Frank would be Liberace. He’s stressed, but finally happy that he’s in an appropriate environment for his Bermuda shorts. He actually had the balls to wear a yellow shirt. He’s ready to drop the hammer, but first, he needs to have a talk with Harrison.

Harrison arrives and sees Frank’s yellow cotton oxford with his turquoise linen button down and sits down to boost the ratings. Harrison listens, uninterested, giving Frank cues along the way. “What’s up?” “Really?” “Sure.” is all he can manage. When Frank is done with his allocution, Harrison turns the screws by telling Frank that he’s “blown away” and properly using the word “reciprocated” in a sentence. Take that, Roberto. I found myself feeling sorry for Frank. Stay with me here. The guy was an indecisive, neurotic, wishy washy, mess all season. He finally accepts his feelings, comes clean, and owns it. He’s finally made a decision. He’s in love. Isn’t that what this show is allegedly about?

Frank sweats and Harrison—clearly in a Zen-like trance inside his air conditioned suite—does not. Harrison encourages Frank to tell Ali, gives him marching orders, and it’s on. Harrison splits in order to down a few rum runners with some Polynesian dancers before being summoned to sop up the mess that Ali is about to become. Frank broods and paces.

After putting her Bora Bora’s back in place after her fantasy date with Chris L., Ali prepares for some Frank time. We see the most pathetically optimistic portions of Ali’s testimonial as she tells us how encouraged she is to see Frank in Tahiti. That was a little mean. We see Ali walking knowingly toward Frank’s bungalow and we see a close up of her looking innocent and sweet like a mouse before it’s dropped into the python cage. She tells us that she plans to take Frank sailing and we wonder if Harrison wasn’t boozing it up with some of the staffers on that boat so as not to let the rental money go to waste.

Frank pauses, hems and haws, but eventually drops the hammer as kindly as he can as the flower in Ali’s hair wilts and falls before she eventually throws it to the ground. Just then, in a modest house in a quaint Houston suburb Lincee Ray hit pause on her DVR and scribbled “that’s symbolism” on her yellow note pad. Symbolism indeed. Frank cries, apologizes, and feels badly. Not realizing he’s done her a favor, Ali cries, makes her hair look like a rats’ nest, gets angry, and then leaves after a cursory hug from Frank to go pout on the beach.

Alright, here’s my male perspective on the Frank thing. I realize I’m setting myself up for some debate, but here goes.

I honestly thought that what went down between Frank and Nicole was the most romantic and sincere thing that’s ever happened on this show. (Yes, I know Ryan and Trista are still married and have kids.) Sure, it wasn’t as spontaneous as it was made to appear, but what is on this show? Frank, single at the time of the show, started by seeking out Ali but realized he could not be without someone he’d once cared for deeply. He struggled to make sense of it all. I imagine that when it hit him he was half way across the world in the middle of filming the show. The Justin situation could not have helped either.

Frank eventually came to grips with his feelings, did what he had to in order to confirm them, then he flew to Tahiti in order to tell Ali the truth in person rather than taking the easy way out, owned the consequences on national TV, and sincerely apologized to Ali and to Harrison before grabbing his sh*t and heading back to live in his parents’ house. Say what you want, but that took guts. Contractual obligations and free trips to Tahiti aside, when a man has the courage to be that honest a woman should appreciate how difficult that is for him to do. It was unfair of Ali to call him a coward. The alternative is to go through with the Fantasy Suite knowing good and well what will happen after a few glasses of chardonnay and some encouragement from the Producers, roll the dice at the rose ceremony, and if picked, dump her months later. Frank, albeit a victim of his own indecisiveness, did the right thing. We should embrace him for it. Now all he needs is a job, a car, and a place to live that isn’t his parents’ curtainless house.

Ali arrives shoeless at the beach in front of her bungalow and at that very moment, the staff flipped the switch on a broken heart shaped spotlight and projected it high into the sky a la the Batman signal in search of Chris Harrison. Harrison killed his last mai tai, chased it with tequila, brushed the sand off his linen trousers, tipped a Tahitian stripper, and headed confidently toward Ali’s suite. Frank packs three weeks worth of bags despite the impression that he was only there for a short time and picks up a resort brochure on the way out. You know, for his honeymoon.

Harrison finds a now angry Ali on the beach and listens to her “this always happens to me” stories as his buzz quickly wears off. This might have hit her square in the Daddy Issues Nerve but at least her roots were retouched. “The hottest love has the coldest end,” said Socrates and we are reminded of the truth of that statement as she whines and whines about it and it quickly becomes annoying. Ali clearly has an inferiority complex, which is good and bad. The bad news is that it forces her to glom on to indecisive schmucks like Frank. The good news is that she views herself as the least of her problems. Incidentally, I believe Socrates also famously said, “I drank what?” Ahh, nothing like a little hemlock humor to keep things moving.

Anyyyyhooooo….

Frank did her a favor. He removed himself from the top 3 because he had feelings for another woman. She’s left with two really good guys who apparently are actually attracted to her. To be fair, Ali is entitled to her first reaction. It’s difficult to see the good stuff in the heat of emotion. She was clearly into Frank and later tipped her hand that he was the front runner. Despite Ali’s assertion, I don’t believe that Frank “knew all along” or he’s “the biggest jerk she’s ever known.” Keep in mind she knew Justin and Craig R. Such is life, Ali.

We move to the Temporary Lair of Seclusion and see Ali in a horribly unflattering black and white “dress.” This one takes the cake. I found myself wondering if I’d solved the mystery of where Frank’s parents’ curtains had gone or if the local Tahitian outlet mall had a Mama Cass Casual Wear store in it. Seriously. The Von Trapp kids looked better in their outfits.

Harrison arrives to throw sawdust on the vomit and eventually reminds Ali that Roberto and Chris L. await. She tells Harrison that she has high hopes. Harrison tells her he’s just high. She wants them to accept the rose she offers and Harrison leaves her to get her s*it together before dropping the “Frank’s gone” news on them. Roberto and Chris L. wait silently in the rose garden. I expected one of them to lean over and say something like, “So, how was it?” but that never happened. Ali drops the news on the boys in the vaguest way possible and both men grin from ear to ear. She tells them that she wants “honor” which I found ironic considering both of them had been “on her” within the last 24 hours. They get roses and we learn that Ali’s family awaits in Bora Bora.

Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at 154, we head into the Men Tell All Episode next week, which always proves interesting. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve also decided to do a Some Guy in Austin Tells All special blog entry. Send me your questions via email at dp010835@gmail.com or in the comment section and I’ll “tell all” in a special blog entry sometime after next Tuesday but before the Final Episode. Of course, I reserve the right to waffle like Frank or simply ignore the inane questions, but I’ll try my best to answer. As always, let me know your thoughts below or via email. My prediction is Chris L. or no one. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be alone with my Tahaha. DP

51 comments:

  1. "Nicole’s prodigious proboscis"

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this line cracked me up!!! Now back to reading!

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  2. I've been a reader for quite a while but never commented. Just wanted to let you know that I love your blog and your sense of humor. Thanks for all the laughs on an otherwise crummy Tuesday! =)
    Kristan

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  3. love the Miami vice reference, I also thought it was funny how they all stood in the boat for their rides.

    I wonder if Frank got any extra time in Tahiti or if he was just there for the day. He definately had a lot packed for such a short time.

    I loved Ali's dress for her date with Roberto, the colour really suited her. Now that outfit she wore for her date with Chris (white pants, striped tank) was not that flattering.

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  4. You were right: it WAS funny....

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  5. I love your blog ... but this is your Best. Recap. EVER!!! GREAT post today - soooo right on the money and hilarious!! AMAZING!

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  6. I'm a new reader to your blog and I have to say it's hysterical. It's made an otherwise bad Tuesday at work a bit more enjoyable. And, for the record, I agree with you about Frank - first time he's manned up all season.

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  7. OMG, I only read as far as Dora/Boots/Tico (that's the squirrel - I have a 2 year old) and had to take a break for fear of outing myself reading Bachelorette blogs at the office. Can't wait to finish - but, well done.

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  8. Bring on the Bachelor Pad!July 20, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    I love your blog - I love the guys point of view. I also read Lincee's blog so this is a great pairing!

    I actually hope she picks Roberto cuz I like Chris L more. I mean Roberto is hot and smooth but Chris is adorable and hilarious - which I find more attractive! And, my kids watch Dora so...

    And, I agree about Frank. It always hurts to break someones heart and yours too but he seems to have really learned he was in love with Nicole while he was on his "journey" with Ali...I don't think he was a coward or the worst person she knows (remember the so-called pilor with anger issues!)...but I do understand her feelings - it hurts when someone doesn't love you back!

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  9. Sooo funny...as usual! Love your blog. I read Lindsey's too and it's such a great part of my Tuesdays!!!

    The "earth" lesson had me rolling. Also the description of Ali's mama cass dress. I imagine your younger readers don't know who she is but that was spot on!

    I also enjoyed your digression into your college literature class. How does your brain work??? Don't answer that! (I can just see it now..."the brain functions as a network of nerve impulses through the output of neurotransmitters such as seratonin and.."

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  10. I think it's hilarious how much harder Ali tried to impress Roberto than Chris L...just look at what she wore to each Fantasy night. Who do you think she was more excited about? Just a thought

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  11. Best lines:
    5. Ahh, memories . . . or is it mammaries?
    4. “Am I the first man you made love to?” Roberto asks. “You might be,” she answers, “your face looks familiar.”
    3. Just then, in a modest house in a quaint Houston suburb Lincee Ray hit pause on her DVR and scribbled “that’s symbolism” on her yellow note pad.
    2. I assume he’s busy boxing up Vienna’s bean bag chair, EZ Bake Oven
    1. Ali drinks plenty of water and lots of cranberry juice (that’s funny and you know it)

    BAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Today's blog was flippin' hysterical! I got busted laughing from my office. BTW, awesome reference to Anchorman (musk up). And I do agree with you about Frank to an extent- I hardly think it was romantic per se (I just get the heebie jeebies from Frank), but I don't think poorly of him for getting back with Nicole.

    Now, I must ask- HOW did you not make a spectacle of Ali's "poor me" collapse onto the beach?!? I was so looking forward to a detailed description of her dramatic flair for teary breakdowns (mean?).

    CAN. NOT. WAIT. FOR. BACHELOR. PAD.

    Question for your "Tell All": If you were stuck on a heart-shaped island called Tupai, and you could only bring 3 of each, what would they be? Movies, Books, People, Food, & Musicians(and yes, this island has electricity to play your movie & cook/refrigerate your food).

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  12. Wow, a lot to think about, Stacey C. I'll get on it right now. Thanks to the new readers for commenting, but don't forget to leave a name and location (Dennis, Austin, Texas). I love to know who I'm dealing with. I promise to guard and protect your private information. DP

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  13. She tells them that she wants “honor” which I found ironic considering both of them had been “on her” within the last 24 hours.


    hahahahahaha.

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  14. top 3 favorite lines
    1) drinking the water and the cranberry juice. Hoping she just 'cuddled' with Chris...so she can keep her ...ummm...'reputation' intact.
    2) the Fatal Attraction/bunny reference. brings back shivers. (poor little bunny foo foo)
    3)"We move to the Temporary Lair of Seclusion and see Ali in a horribly unflattering black and white “dress.” This one takes the cake. I found myself wondering if I’d solved the mystery of where Frank’s parents’ curtains had gone or if the local Tahitian outlet mall had a Mama Cass Casual Wear store in it..."

    hysterical. thanks! I've shared with several friends via Facebook and they love your blog, too.

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  15. Back to back comments from Keena. Ironically, you're one of the few Austinites who comments. Thanks for reading. I suppose this means I have to go to cycle class now. Sigh.

    Slee, that line was actually stolen from a toast my East Texas friend used to give to aggravate his wife. Thanks for noticing. DP

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  16. great recap as always! i found another funny one at www.realitylaurie.blogspot.com
    -lilly

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  17. As a nurse, I really appreciated and am laughing HYSTERICALLY about the cranberry juice reference!! As my friend JoAnne says: "Monday night is like Christmas Eve...waiting until Tuesday for the blog!" You're the best.
    Cindy in Cincinnati

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  18. Cindy in Cincinnati, My first Ohio comment. Congrats. Of course, if it wasn't for the Ohio River, you'd be from Kentucky. Thanks for reading! DP

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  19. Loved "prodigious proboscis", "honor/on her"..... Once again so clever. The water and cranberry juice reference, hysterical! LOVED IT! I am going to get my husband to read this tonight.
    He pretends like he is not interested, but I know he is.
    Paula, S.F. Bay Area, CA.

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  20. Best line- "after washing the sand out of her hooha" -you had me laughing out loud at that one. I save your blog for last when I read these-you have the best comments.
    Did anybody else notice that when Ali and Roberto first sat down, she immediately reached for the wine bottle? We never see them eat but we sure see them drink!
    Sal in Utah

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  21. My top 3 LOL moments this week:

    1. Lincee Ray hit pause on her DVR and scribbled “that’s symbolism” on her yellow note pad.
    2. We move to the Temporary Lair of Seclusion and see Ali in a horribly unflattering black and white “dress.” This one takes the cake. I found myself wondering if I’d solved the mystery of where Frank’s parents’ curtains had gone...
    3. She tells Harrison that she has high hopes. Harrison tells her he’s just high.

    Was in your fabulous city this last week but, unfortunately, it turned out to be less than 24 hours. Those darn outlets at San Marcos suck me in every time! Was hoping to make it downtown...love the group who dress up like Revenge of the Nerds and play 80's music...but didn't make it this time. :)

    Looking forward to the finale...I hope she doesn't break CCC's heart! Go Team Chris!!

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  22. Nice recap and No I didn't have to look up what prodigious proboscis meant. Really...

    I too thought Ali's breast were looking especially perky in the little gold number. I too also wondered why she was wearing a bathing suit ensemble that couldn't possibly be sold as a set.

    How many glasses were at the table when she had her dinner with Chris. Like 13???

    I hope Roberto didn't get dehydrated after his trip, he was losing fluids like the well is losing oil.

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  23. wenigere, yes, the san marcos outlet is a big time sucker for sure. drop me a line next time your in ATX. The band is called the Spazmatics, by the way. They play a standing gig on Thurdays (I think) at Cedar Street.

    Leslie, solid roberto sweating comment. I agree but I couldn't bring myself to find fault with roberto. He's so dreamy. Prodigious Proboscis meand "big nose," as in, "Nicole had a freaking big nose." Thanks for reading. Why haven't we met? DP

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  24. does Roberto do meth and/or cocaine?
    why is he always sweating so profusely?

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  25. SG/DP, thanks as always for making Tuesday a fun day. As a mother, the Dora stuff is a hoot! Chris comes across as a big kid -- probably cracks up at his own fart jokes. Roberto does indeed have some active sweat glands as your other readers have noted.

    My question for you....how DO you have such a female-sensitive brain? Who trained you? It's uncanny -- and we want answers!

    MB from Dallas

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  26. Haven't commented in a while because I've had a lot of stuff going on and haven't had time to get on the computer much, but I love you. In a completely non-creepy way, of course. But I love you for making my Tuesdays so awesome, because this one in particular has sucked majorly. :D

    My question: What DOES the P in DP stand for? :P

    Mallory (or Mal) in NC

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  27. Did you notice the lack of a thumb ring on Frank? I thought I was gonna think Frank was the scum of the earth but he truly seemed so in love with Nicole. I do hope for the best for neurotic Frank.

    Melissa in So. Cal

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  28. I was surprised you didn't comment on Ali saying "It's a Friggin' heart" to Roberto at dinner. She is does not appear to be the brightest bulb...that being said I think Frank and Nicole knew it all along and he played the game to get the free trips and to find out how good of an actor he could appear to be to get future jobs...or a job.

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  29. I also thought Nicole resembled Popeye the Sailor...:)
    CO

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  30. Loved the cranberry juice line. Classic. Awesome recap as always.

    BigRed in Birmingham, Alabama

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  31. Fifty-ish lady from MississippiJuly 20, 2010 at 9:03 PM

    The absolute best ever. You outdid yourself today! Best lines are:
    1. We assume she opened up and he put it out there.
    2. Ali drinks plenty of water and lots of cranberry juice.
    3. ...Washing sand out of her hooha/Washing the Tupai off her Tahaha
    4. Everything else.

    I almost spit my wine on the computer by the time I finished. You are AMAZING.

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  32. Please advise what ITM means? Perhaps In The Moment or Individual Taped Moment? I would love to know as it seems to be a popular acronym lately regarding The Bachelor/ette.
    Kay from Chatham NJ

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  33. Great recap as always! The cranberry juice line had me laughing hysterically - my co-workers think I'm weird. ;-)

    My question is: What got you started watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette and why'd you decide to start blogging about it? (I'm a recent fan - I only found your blog during Jake's season.) Do you actually like the show or do you watch it only for the comedic blogging possibilities? :-)

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  34. Best lines:
    1. After washing the Tupai off her Tahaha, Ali prepares to meet Chris L. for their date.
    2. Lincee Ray hit pause on her DVR and scribbled “that’s symbolism” on her yellow note pad. (your check is in the mail)

    Lincee Ray
    Some Guy in Austin(TM) Fan Club President
    Houston, TEXAS
    Member since January 2010

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  35. Last night the SGIA blog was the subject of discussion at the meeting of Plan B in West University, Texas. Plan B involves drinking wine and three women calling each other "Mrs. B" and this Mrs. B relating the cranberry juice line. "That's funny and you know it" is now in the repertoire.
    Myra in Houston

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  36. At least Frank didn't come with the "I never meant to hurt you BS". He did man up and said he was sorry and left it at that.
    Great recap! As usual.

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  37. Lincee, congrats on getting "elected" as president of my fan club. I can't wait to twirl you around the dance floor on Saturday.
    Myrabyrd, classic. West U is my old stomping ground. I'm happy to know that all of the women that live three are still constantly soaked in sarcasm and alcohol. I'm glad I could assist.
    Wine and Cheese, Agreed. Thanks for reading! DP

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  38. As a recently enlightened reader here, waiting for the Tuesday recaps are indeed like waiting for Santa! They're the highlight of my day...but don't tell my boss. Great work! REALLY hope you're planning to continue the stellar work work by commenting on the Bachelor Pad!
    Kay in NashVegas

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  39. Kay in NashVegas, thank you for following the path of enlightenment. I appreciate it. Let's see, I've been called God and Santa this week. Frankly, I'm neither but I'm happy to put Tuesday on the map. DP

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  40. Dude...the "Ali drinks lots of water and cranberry juice" line almost had me laughing so hard my boss would have come to my computer and said "whats so funny"

    Do you and Lincee know each other personally? She is a great blogger as well...and single.

    AND when I talk to my 6 yr old daughter about the little girls room I always tell her "wipe your hooha good" So funny. I said that word to a person the other day and they looked all puzzled.

    Questions for Men tell all..What would make more of these couples fall in love and stay together? Fantasy dates earlier in the season? Really crappy dates all season?

    Love your Blog, Kim in Nevada

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  41. During the rose ceremony, after Ali gave Chris L a rose, I was SO waiting to have Chris Harrison step in and say "this is the final rose tonight"... what a hoot that would have been! I wonder if he misses out on some ABC cash for not delivering his famous line?

    Love your blog!

    Elizabeth from Piscataway, NJ

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  42. hilarious recap - and not to feed into Ali's inferiority complex, but both guys left are way too good for her

    question for you: if you were one of the final two guys, would it gross you out to see your "girlfriend" all over the other guys? or do you think they avoid watching the final episodes? I know they all signed up for this and it's no surprise what Ali's up to, but it seems so disgusting for her to be all over multiple guys back to back (and if not for Frank's confession) to back.
    Karen R - Omaha, Nebraska

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  43. Okay, I haven't read all the comments yet, and I do love your writing style still but, your whole comment about "unfair to call him a coward" made me think "oh whatever". The guy's a doof. He should of never gone on the show. He has no house, a menial job and he was an obvious emotional wreck from the beginning. He looked guilty as shit when Ali was ranting on Jessie because he was probably sweating bullets that she knew about his barely broken up relationship. Nicole's an idiot to take him back. He probably went on the show because she gave him his marching orders for the 20th time and he can't bear to be alone. His parents probably demanded he help pay for utilities. Hell yeah he's a coward, not of Ali, because he obviously wasn't that into her, but the guy is afraid of his own shadow and trust me in real life if he could of called he would have. I'm pretty damn sure that his contract with The Bachelor made him go to Tahiti to break up with her. There's no way in hell they would of made it that easy on him. Just as I'll be really surprised if Justin doesn't show up on the Men Tell All. Contracts are contracts.

    Just saying.....I'd love to know the story of Frank and Nicole's break up. The putz.

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  44. Oh, I like the questions from others, I have a couple curious ones,
    1)When you break up with girls, are you usually the break upper or the break-upee?
    2) Have you ever told a girl when you break up with her that it's not her it's you?
    3)Have any of your ex-girlfriends ever told you that you have commitment issues, or phobias?
    4) Do you live at home with your parents?

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  45. Lyndie22, question #4- HAHAHAHAHA!

    I'm trying to think of some good "tell all" questions to ask.

    1. What's your idea of a great first date?
    2. What is one (specific) thing about women that just puzzles the crap out of you?
    3. Complete the sentence: It is really unattractive when a woman _______.
    4. What sets you apart from other guys? (...um, besides the fact that you're awesome and you blog about the Bachelor/ette.)
    5. What is the coolest part about blogging on a topic predominately read by women?

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  46. Franks gf = woof. It looks like she gained the freshman 15 - all in her nose.

    Sorry I read so late...but it was AMAZING.

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  47. Love your blog. I think that Frank came on the show for the same reasons Justin did. I also think that Frank thought he would get voted off much sooner. When Justin was found out, Frank looked crazed in the mansuite. As the end of the show came closer he realized that he had to bow out in some way and I think he concocted the whole story about his estrangement from Nicole. This explains why we never heard of her before now. The truth being that he was never estranged from her. He was always going to come back to her. He had to make himself look good for his future in celebrityville and it worked because even you fell for it. I think he is also a fame whore, like Justin. I am stunned at the amount of luggage he brought to Tahiti, something is up if thought he was staying more than 12 hours.

    Thanks for all your hard work for our pleasure. Is there a future Mrs. DP?

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  48. I feel you'll really enjoy this link: http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/07/ali-fedotowsky-shares-diet-fitness-tips/

    Because I know you're a little concerned about how much junk Ali has been carrying around in her trunk!

    Reese (Canada)

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  49. Reese- that is hilarious! I love how the cover says "Her 30 minute work out and exact meal plan", and the article says she does 30 minutes on the treadmill (because she gets bored) and she doesn't know how to cook so she buys grilled chicken & bags of salad from the grocery store... REAL original Ali!

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  50. Elizabeth, Interesting take on the Frank situation. It sounds plausible. My "inside" info that I try to avoid but get sent anyway tells me that he wanted off the show well before Iceland but was forced to stay. Perhaps the "girlfriend" was a ruse to get him out.

    Reese, I loved the link. Odd, because I don't believe any diet has ever suggested chicken salads as a healthy alternative before. I do hope Ali sheds the pounds. She looked so much better last season.

    Thanks for reading and commenting. DP

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  51. Hey DP,I've never posted before but this was your best recap ever! Well, at least of those on this blog...

    So many favorite moments:
    Chris L. garanimals, Dora, and big boy suitcase.
    Frank, pick up his allowance.
    Marlon Brando's illegitimate children.
    Yellow is my signature color.
    You might be - your face looks familiar.
    Shout out to Lincee, beyond awesome!
    Earth explanation.

    Whenever you say anyyyyhoooo.... it makes me crack up.

    As I watched Roberto folding his clothes to put them in his suitcase it became abundantly clear that he was not the bachelor who had worked at the Gap.

    I kind of agree with you about Frank and Nicole. Better this happen now than later. Worse breakups have probably happened to most of us, including Ali.

    Also, sawdust on the vomit, is that what they used in grade school? When I was in third grade the nun told me that I did NOT have to throw up and wouldn't let me go to the bathroom so I proved her wrong and threw up on her shoes and the bottom of her habit. It still makes me a little happy to think about it....

    Lastly, thanks so much for reminding me to add cranberry juice to my shopping list.

    Looking forward to Tuesday, my favorite day of the week, thanks to you and Lincee!

    Liz R from VIrginia

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