Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ali Bachelorette Episode 7: The Gloves are Off UPDATED

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Wow, it’s Episode 7, or as I prefer to call it this week: Window Dressing. Ali’s search for someone who might possibly be her husband if she’s good enough to be anyone’s wife is in full swing. Unfortunately for Ali and the boys, the wheels predictably came off the Jake and Vienna wagon and it got nasty. I’m happy to know that Harrison is comfortably in the driver’s seat and I trusted him implicitly to sort it all out. For those of you who feel like this week’s episode was merely a required distraction leading up to the big Jake and Vienna “closure” interview, feel free to scroll ahead and read that section prior to reading the recap of the episode. I’ve conveniently separated it for you. You’re welcome. Before I begin, this week’s shout out goes to the wonderful reader from Australia of all places who sent me an email letting me know how much she enjoys the blog. Since Canada is connected, it doesn’t “coont” as another country. So it’s now official. Thank you, person in Australia, for making this an international blog. Let’s get to it.

We begin with an abbreviated montage of last week’s show proving that necessity is indeed the mother of invention. Was I the only one thanking God that I didn’t have to sit through five minutes of stuff I’d seen a week ago only to be reminded again that we were headed to Portugal? No sunsets, soft lighting, or tours of the capital. We hit the ground running this week and, man, it was nice. Jake and Vienna should break up and defame each other every week.

Harrison meets the men in some fancy old town square in Lisbon wearing some sort of black tuxedo shirt thing. He’s on a short leash this week. Portugal smortuagal. He’s got to sort out the breakup thing back in the Golden State. As the men approach they all sport their newest weathered t-shirts and, with the exception of the Bermuda-shorted Frank, they all wear this week’s costume: jeans and flip flops. What is it with Frank’s casual attire anyway? He dresses like an old Jewish man in Miami Beach. All he needs is a pair of black dress socks.

Harrison welcomes the men to Lisbon and as we see a close up of each man we see Ty wondering if he’s going to see a lot of Lisbions this week. After all, gay marriage is illegal in Tennessee and seeing two women in love is a rarity there. Besides, it’s hot when two chicks make out. Well, at least that’s what he appeared to be thinking. Roberto counts the 4 aces up his sleeve and the two dimples on his cheeks and Chris L. hopes that things go well. Prior to hitting an after hours club and pulling an all nighter before being whisked away to the Lisbon airport to return home to L.A., Harrison lets us know that home town dates are at stake this week. There are four dates, no roses, and no room for mistakes. Got it? Good. He’s out.

We see an abridged version of the Wooo Hooo Man Suite as Ty eventually finds the date card. “Roberto, come be the king of my castle,” it reads. That sounds dirty, doesn’t it? Roberto getting the first 1 on 1 date in a country where he knows the language is like giving Babe Ruth and aluminum bat or Tom Jones tighter pants. Understandably—and predictably—Frank freaks out in his anchor shirt. Kirk, whose wardrobe consists entirely of plaid, plays it cool pretending that Roberto is not the greatest thing since the cotton gin. Chris L. just wants to see Ali’s castle.

Ali arrives for the date looking underwhelming in her green tank top and short sparkly skirt. She drops some fake Portuguese she learned from the complimentary Rosetta Stone CD’s everyone got before boarding the plane and tells Roberto that today is a really important day. Isn’t every day with Roberto an important day? Looking frumpy in her testimonial, Ali unconvincingly pretends that something is wrong with Roberto. Sure, there’s “passionate chemistry” but can he be fun? Can Roberto be fun? Could Einstein add?

In an effort to prove to us that Roberto is indeed fun, Roberto and Ali take this week’s camera sponsor’s camera and gallivant playfully through the streets of Lisbon taking action photos of each other. Proving he has two chinks in his armor (remember the first was the fact that he couldn’t rhyme anything in Icelandic), Roberto disappoints by failing to photograph Ali in mid-air as she jumps off some bench. Frankly, I think the camera was broken. Either that or Roberto just faked being a poor photographer.

After the picture taking, Roberto and Ali stroll casually down a busy street and strike some Robert Doisneau (remember him?) poses as he contemplates picking her up. Out of an abundance of caution for his lumbar discs and mindful of the fact that she’s wearing a belt for a skirt Roberto does not pick her up. Besides, if he picked her up all of Lisbon would see Ali’s hoo haa—or however you say that in Portuguese. I’ll bet Roberto knows. In lieu of a pick up and spin, Roberto begins to dance in spite of the onlookers. You’re damn right, he’s fun. Take that, Ali’s fake testimonial.

Roberto and Ali get picked up by a big yellow train and proceed to cuddle on a date strangely reminiscent of Tenley and Jake’s San Francisco date. Ironically, the cuddling is cut short due, in part, to Jake’s failure to pick Tenley and his fateful selection of the floosie from Florida.

Back at the Man Suite Ty and Frank get the dreaded “Let’s find our future in the past” 2 on 1 date card and Frank begins to squeeze the bunny again. He claims that he sees Ty as his biggest competition and we wonder if he’s referencing the “Best Choker on Episode 7” contest or if he’s referring to the quest for Ali’s heart. Chris L. plays it cool in his “Landscapers Do It in the Garden” t-shirt. To be fair, whatever was written on it was blurred out in post-production, so that’s my best guess.

We cut back to Ali and Roberto on the steps of a castle with a ready made repast of wine and cheese. Roberto mimics the high hand hold we’ve seen in the past as he and Ali discuss the possibility of meeting his family. We wonder if there is a herd of Roberto’s running freely though rain soaked fields chasing after wild unicorns in an attempt to domesticate them in whatever town he’s from. “Are you nervous about the hometown?” Ali asks. Hell no, he’s not nervous. Roberto esta muito animado. Alright, I speak Spanish, but not Portuguese. I’ll give the iPhone credit for the translation.

Ali giggles and squirms under her red blanket as she tells Roberto that she can’t figure him out. He can’t REALLY be THAT nice, can he? She wonders, as her daddy issues bubble ever closer to the surface. Frank should have been watching here and taking notes. Instead of taking the daddy didn’t love me bait, Roberto calmly tells Ali that he likes to keep it simple. He tells her that he appreciates the little things and then he compliments her. Ali oozes into her chair, giggles, and begs Roberto to be the king of her castle. Simple indeed, Roberto. Simple indeed.

Let’s face it, I doubt she’ll end up with him, but Roberto is Money. He’s had Ali more excited than a gay parade for weeks now. Hell, he didn’t even have to break out any romance languages this week and he had Ali melting like cheese in a microwave. Speaking of cheese, that’s in direct contrast to Chris L. who has been playing his trump cards since the day he arrived. Roberto sits quietly with his poker face on and plays a pair of dimples. It’s amazing (that’s right, I said it) how a normal, well-adjusted guy on this show stands out like Bermuda shorts in Portugal. To be fair, all of these guys seem relatively normal and nice. Chris L. is a nice enough guy who has obviously had some tough times in the past year. Frank is a neurotic mess but seems sincere—well, at least until he hits Tahiti. Kirk’s sort of one dimensional but nice enough notwithstanding his epic battle with Aspergillus Fumigatus. Ironically, Ali might be the only real nut job here. The date ends with some kissing and smiling. Ali digs Roberto. We’ll see if she can dig herself enough to accept the fact that he digs her too.

Next we cut to the dreaded 2 on 1 date. Ali waits begrudgingly in front of a helicopter and we realize that her “fear” of flying was left alone on a glacier in Iceland. Wait, that was Kasey. Regardless, they board the helicopter and the uncomfortableness begins. Frank, sporting his rugged plaid shirt and jeans looking like Kirk dressed him looked annoyed at Ty’s presence and Ty, dressed in a shirt that looked a lot like Harrison’s black tuxedo shirt except for the fact that it was covered in some ridiculous embroidery, appears annoyed at Frank’s presence. Ty’s shirt looked like a doily. Ali didn’t know whether to compliment him on his shirt or put a glass of tea on it. Ali lets us know that they are about to “travel back in time.” I hoped they would land in the early-90’s so Ty’s sideburns would fit in.

Unfortunately for Ty and his sideburns, the helicopter lands where we soon find out is about 10 miles from the nearest castle. Apparently, the “Ropadope” castle—that’s what it sounded like she said—was given by “some king” to Isabella, Ali tells us as we imagine “that king” rolling over in his grave. About 45 minutes into the hike to the castle, Ty points out a deer and Ali is impressed. Frank wishes they had deer in Chicago.

We cut next to the three of them sitting uncomfortably at dinner. Ali’s pouty lower lip is fully engaged as she dons her Olivia Newton John jacket and tells Frank and Ty that she’s “in a weird place” because it’s been such a tough week.

Side note: This moment clearly illustrates the difference between males and females. If I ever call a woman to tell her “I’m in a weird place” that means that I’m at an odd location like a donkey show in New Orleans or sitting between a homeless guy and a quiet loner type with thick glasses on the subway. Period. When a woman says that to a man, it could mean anything. “Get ready to be burdened by emotional baggage,” is what any man would think upon hearing that phrase from a woman. Frank and Ty were no exception. I’m no armchair Chris Harrison but I think it’s clear that Ali has intimacy and trust issues—or as I like to refer to those problems: Red Flags. She bums everyone out as she broods like Bella Swan. (I had to drop a Twilight reference. It’s all the rage.)

In order to lighten the mood, Frank points out the obvious tension with a joke and Ali laughs. Nice job. Funny beats sideburns and a giant choker any day of the week. In perhaps the dirtiest moment since Ali showed Roberto her castle, Ali lies and pretends she’s had a nice dinner and actually says, “I think it’s time I pull on you, Ty.” Frank and his thumb ring lament her choice of words as he harkens back to the time that the Weatherman tried to pull on him at the mansion in L.A. Frank finishes the remaining wine and we wonder if he’s going to pull on himself.

Ty and Ali walk into a back alley for some more ball busting about Ty’s divorce and his nutty concept of providing a secure home for his wife and family. Ty makes a classic error by not knowing when to shut the hell up as Ali stares vacantly through him. He sees Ali as “a worker.” Dude, SHE’S UNEMPLOYED and she’s been on ABC’s dime for months. In a statement as vague and meaningless as Ali’s pull on Ty statement was dirty, Ty tells her “I want someone to want something.” Ok, Ty. Don’t we all? Ali finally kisses him to shut him up as she envisions the embroidery on his shirt looking fantastic as a design on her new wrought iron staircase in the house she will purchase with ABC’s money and undoubtedly reside in alone. See ya, Ty.

Frank eventually gets an opportunity to get pulled on. He and Ali sit in a tree as he tells her that he quit his job, went to Europe for six weeks, and now lives with his parents. Haven’t we heard this before? I don’t know why Frank was so worried about it all. The only difference between him and Ali is that ABC wasn’t calling him to be the Bachelorette. Well, that and Frank has a dad who loves him, but that’s neither here nor there. Relax, Frank. Ali provides another clue into her intimacy issues when we learn that she left home before 18. Frank has everything she wants and everything she fears, she tells him.
Translation: I’m very attracted to you but I have unresolved intimacy issues. If I pick you, I’ll become increasingly miserable and insecure in our relationship eventually pushing you further and further away until our life becomes an emotional vacuum broken only by my constant proclamations of self-doubt until you eventually succumb to the lack of intimacy in your life by having an affair with a normal, attractive woman who shows an interest in you, thereby affirming and my shattered self-image and my preconceived notion of men as emotionally vacuous, cruel creatures.

Run, Frank. Run.

Back at the suite Roberto takes his turn at reading the date card. Kirk gets the “once upon a time” date but fails to get the fairy tale reference proving that mold sickness affects a person’s ability to remember the most obvious things of all time. He probably has trouble with the words to “Happy Birthday.” Geez. Chris L. picks up the slack, explains the reference, and drops a “Cinderella” on Kirk. In other news, Frank is nervous again and Lisbon is the capital of Portugal. Frank was nervous that Lisbon was not, in fact, the capital but didn’t have time to Google it because he was nervous that Ali was going on a date with Kirk which made him nervous about the rose ceremony.

As we all filled our wine glasses and watched the Jake/Vienna teasers, and grew more anxious to see Jake get his comeuppance, we returned to soldier on through Kirk and Ali’s 1 one 1 date. Kirk shows up in—surprise—a plaid shirt and jeans dressed like a Lisbion. Ali phones in her testimonial in her gray tank with the Mr. T. starter necklace attached to it. Odd choice. She’s still PMS’ing and poor Kirk is going to have to deal with it.

Demonstrating the fact that he’s whimsical yet serious, Kirk sports the bracelet version of the mullet. He’s got his rubber Livestrong bracelet on one arm and his gold bracelet on the other. He’s a party on the left and all business on the right. Is he biking across France or producing adult films? Ali doesn’t notice. She shows up looking very hippy in her short white skirt and her white coat. She looked more like the woman who works the Lancome counter at the Mall of America than this season’s bachelorette. They share beers out of giant pilsner glasses and we wonder what color rubber bracelet signifies the battle against mold sickness.

They get interrupted by a horse drawn carriage. The driver and the horses have clearly received the “We’re short on time” memo from Harrison because they haul ass to some other castle. Ali dons the semi-ubiquitous red blanket as Kirk honestly does his best to open up and be considerate. Ali “has a lot on her mind.” She pouts and hates all of the fun as she tells Kirk that she’s “not super in tune with her emotions” at this point. She’s clearly not super in tune with the English language either. Poor Kirk.

In a last ditch effort to cheer her pouty, fun-hating ass up, Kirk dons a yellow oxford and a sport coat for dinner. They dine al dente surrounded by traffic flares and Kirk does his best to share his emotions despite Ali’s preconceived notion that men are incapable of doing that. I’ll give the guy credit. He’s sort of a dud, but he really did try. She just wasn’t open to it. Kirk pulls out mold sickness again and Ali again wonders if she’s good enough for any man. They walk over to a poor man’s Sophia Loren (yes, I realize she’s Italian, but it’s close enough) as she sings and Kirk doesn’t pretend he can dance. They cuddle. BOOORRRRING…….

*YAWN* When is Jake going to yell at Vienna?

We push on to the final date. Chris L. gets the “Love gets better with age” date and he feigns excitement in his testimonial with his now inside out “Landscapers like it dirty” shirt. Ali shows up in some terribly fitting jeans and Chris L. shows up dressed like a six year old again. She’s concerned because Chris L. is moving slowly. In an effort to kindle intimacy, they jump on a moped in giant helmets and drive around. Ali and her elephant necklace (what’s up with that?) give testimonials with various hair styles and she eventually brings up Chris L.’s mother’s death again, making that subject this season’s Tenley’s ex-husband took my virginity and cheated on me story. Ali, lighten up on the deceased mother questions for God’s sake. Chris L. takes it in stride proving he’s serious about Ali. Although he did equivocate when asked if he’s excited about the hometown, I think he’s genuinely interested in Ali. We all wonder along with Ali if she’s good enough for him.

The remainder of the date is uneventful save the fact that Chris L. presents Ali with a “Dennis Bracelet.” Ali is impressed that some dude in Cape Cod who shares my first name took the time to make her a cheap wire bracelet. Just when we thought he was out of rose-guaranteeing ammunition, Chris L. surprises us. Nice job.

Is Vienna gonna call Jake a fame whore NOW? Not yet.

We move to the rose ceremony where Ali dons her Fruit Stripe gum dress and pouts some more. Harrison shows up to escort her to the Lair of Seclusion with an umbrella. Man, he’s having to work this season. Frank sports his usual Mad Men suit with his tie just shy of closing his carotid arteries. Kirk dons his gray coat and—you guessed it—plaid double Windsor tie perfectly situated on his mold infested neck. Ty wears a nice suit and “Ty.” Roberto took the time to throw on a suit, but still doesn’t tighten the tie because he doesn’t need to. Chris L. pulled off his clip on tie prior to the ceremony.

Ali contemplates the pictures in the Lair of Seclusion on an armoire with the same woodwork design as Ty’s doily shirt. Harrison shows up in a surprisingly festive purple silk tie and states the rules. Ali gives a canned speech and hands out the roses.

1. Chris L. (no surprise here. She’ll have to tell him what to wear for the wedding but he’s a solid guy)

2. Frank (another good choice but he’s so wishy washy and neurotic I don’t think it will be a surprise when doubt begins to creep in next week)

3. Roberto (ahhhhh, Roberto. We’ll see if Ali squeezes the bunny in the hometown next week as her insecurity becomes an issue.)

4. Kirk (he rallied in his 1 on 1. Nice save, mold boy)

Ali pouty lips Ty out of a rose and they stand in the rain as Ty tries not to get angry. He’s disappointed and was luckily saved by the time constraints as he began to get a tad bitter over his elimination. He’ll do well back in Tennessee. He’s a tad cheesy but if customs will do him a favor and confiscate his choker case, he’ll meet a traditional Southern girl that will make him happy. Nice run, Ty.

Well, there we are. With the Amazing count at an unabridged 110 and Ali’s insecurities growing like the mold behind Kirk’s dormitory walls, we move on to the home town dates. Until then, if you need me, I’ll be making bracelets for strangers.


Well, well, well. It’s funny how life had a tendency to make things come full circle, isn’t it? Before I get to the carnage, let me make a couple of points. First, I went back and looked at some of my old blog entries from Jake’s season and I have to say that I had both Jake and Vienna pegged from the get go. That’s not self-congratulatory it’s just the way it is. I also want to say that I’m usually wrong about most of this stuff—Ed and Jillian, for instance—but it feels good to be dead on this time.

Disclaimer: Normally, my philosophy is to fire a shot across the bow. I try not to be deliberately or unnecessarily mean unless I feel like a person has brought it on him or herself. In this case, I think Jake has opened himself up for the full court press. He arrogantly returned during Jillian’s season after being kicked off to tattle on Wes for something that turned out to be false, proclaimed himself “too perfect” for relationships, and indignantly looked down his nose at everyone around him as he chose Vienna and tried to parlay the show into an acting career all while positioning himself as the Aww shucks pilot from Denton. Ironically, it turns out that he went on the show for the infamous “wrong reasons.” Somewhere in a small apartment in South Austin sits Wes Hayden with a beer in one hand, the remote in the other, and a huge grin on his face. Vienna was trashy and annoying, but she’s also young, spoiled, and inexperienced. As we saw last night, she actually learned a few things from this experience. Frankly, she surprised me. Let’s get to it.

“Look, if this guy wants to put his starter home and gazebo at risk by marrying a 23 year old Hooters waitress with a bitter, broke ex-husband and an unhealthy attraction to her own father, so be it. It’s not like he wasn’t warned.” ---Some Guy from Austin, Jake Episode 7 Blog

We begin with—as if we needed it—Chris Harrison introducing himself. He lauds the show, tells us he’s sad, plays the Ryan and Trista have kids card, and sets up the vicious, hateful, bitter end status of Jake and Vienna’s “love affair” and touts the need for closure. Read: I hate this part of my job but it’s good for the ratings.

Jake emerges with his best “this is serious business” face on clearly uncomfortable to be there. TV contracts are a bitch, aren’t they, Jake; especially when you sell your soul. He tells Harrison that he’s “still processing” his emotions—whatever that means. According to Jake, he was “2000 miles away” when it all came tumbling down around him. Oh, he wasn’t ready to stop fighting for love, though and he can’t believe Vienna is doing this to him. Translation: I’m perfect and I still think I’m perfect and it’s all her fault.

Enter Vienna looking nervous. Harrison drops a hug on her and she keeps it together long enough to make it to the couch next to Mr. Perfect. I don’t know how funny the rest of this entry is going to be. At this point, I felt more like venting than making fun of this exchange. The sanctimonious look on Jake’s stupid face as he was playing the victim was infuriating. Was I the only one who wanted to smack that “I’m better than you” smirk off of his five foot frame?

Ever professional and anxious to get moving, Harrison reiterates his dinner date with Jake and Vienna mere weeks ago and we picture him filling out his ABC expense report. Item 1: Hooters Newport Beach: Jake and Vienna Pre-Break Up Dinner. Vienna begins by sharing with us what we already knew. The first month was absolute bliss before Jake revealed what we also knew. He’s unemotional, controlling, condescending, and sexless. That about sums it up. We should have quit there, but Harrison wanted answers. He wanted the truth. Fortunately for us, Harrison can handle the truth.

Vienna goes on about having to beg for kisses and Harrison turns the screws as only he can about Vienna selling her story to the tabloids. Vienna, showing that her PR people anticipated the question, answers that the relationship was already public and that she knew Jake would sell out first. Despite Jake’s unconvincing smirk, we know she’s right. Score one for Vienna. Lazy eye and all, she got past the first round unscathed. Jake sits there stewing in contempt.

Let me just say that I’ve had some nasty break ups. We all have. If any one reading this would not honestly take upwards of the reported $90K that she denied getting (it was probably $89K) to rat out a jerk of an ex-boyfriend, then I’ve got a starter home in Denton I’d like to sell you. Harrison was doing his job, be we know he understands. He has to. He’s Chris Harrison.

Jake gets a turn to speak and begins—in my opinion—to dig his own grave. He’s mad and disgusted with Vienna. What? Mad and disgusted? He’s the one who kept the relationship in the spotlight by getting a spray tan, putting on rhinestones, and going on Dancing with the Stars attempting to parlay the show into an acting career. Vienna drops “fame whore” on him and the pettiness sinks lower than the Titanic in the North Sea. In a classic moment, Vienna calls him out on is career as a “pilot” saying she thought they’d move to Dallas and start a life. Score two for Vienna.

At this point, Jake still had a choice. He could have let Vienna rant on like a spoiled brat (she did anyway) and simply taken the high road, apologized for the confusion, and moved on. He took the other path. “At least I’m pursuing a career in something,” he says and millions of women across America tried not to spill their chardonnay as they gasped in horror before laughing hysterically. Harrison sits back and basks in the carnage like Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. Vienna counters with “liar” and Jakes offers nothing in return except an indignant “tsk, I’m better than you” glance. Score three for Vienna.

Unprepared and clearly losing ground to the obviously immature Vienna, Jake accuses her of infidelity. Again, prepared for the accusation, Vienna offers proof that Jake’s story just doesn’t add up. She was with a gay guy she tells us. We assume she didn’t mean Jake and wonder how she knows the Weatherman. She was at a charity event and Jake knew it. Jake offers nothing. Point Vienna.

Vienna wants Jake to take a “Poliagrah” test and demands to know if ABC has one lying around. Incidentally, the poliagraph test is well known for its ability to accurately detect lying, egomaniacal, cheese balls with delusions of tremendous self-importance. Perfect. Score another point for Vienna.

At this point the entire thing deteriorated into an unwatchable mess. Harrison let the bickering go on far too long and eventually stepped in to get ABC’s questions answered. He is, after all, a Company guy. Vienna defends her decision to get paid for her story. Frankly, I found it incredibly hypocritical of the show to give her a hard time about selling the story considering the way they rode the wagon for the past two weeks. I’d be willing to bet that a 30 second ad spot on this portion of the show ran more than the $90K Vienna allegedly got for telling her side of the story.

Jake continues to be smug, condescending, and mean to Vienna. He can’t believe his authority has been challenged. To be fair to Jake, Vienna did act like a spoiled brat. She began to drive me crazy with the interrupting too, but again, he should have let her come unwound and let that speak for itself. Instead, he got aggressive and, despite having no evidence whatsoever to the contrary, denied he’d done anything wrong. Bad move. He should have called Roz Papa and chatted her up prior to the interview. Even with Harrison’s repeated help and softball questions, Jake failed to come across as sympathetic. Hell, he didn’t even deny the fame whore accusation.

Harrison asks Vienna “will you disappear?” after this interview. He really wanted to add “please” after the question, but didn’t. She says she’s staying in L.A. and has a job. Jake pisses on it. Another point for Vienna. He drops a “be quiet while I’m talking” and we begin to see that she’s right about his temper and superior attitude. Another point for Vienna.

The interview eventually spirals out of control until Jake and Vienna argue about her dog. Harrison eventually intervenes with a priceless comment. “Ok, we don’t really care about the dog,” he says. We assume he meant Vienna’s pet and not Vienna. Eventually, Jake snaps at Vienna for interrupting him, she cries, quits the interview, and leaves Harrison and Jake high and dry. Jake looks like an a**hole and we are finally glad to see that he’s getting what he threw at Wes thrown back at him ten fold.

All in all, I think Vienna was not only telling the truth, but serious about getting on with her life. Jake—as if anyone cares about his acting “career”—has some damage control to do. In the end, he might just end up signing autographs at air shows in the pilot uniform he used to wear when he had a job flying cargo planes full of Chinese junk from Dallas to Pittsburg. We shall see.

Harrison thanks both of them for meeting their contractual obligation, drops an “it is what it is,” and hands Jake a cue card with the definition of “karma” on it before mercifully ending the interview. Thank God that’s over. PLEASE give me your thoughts by commenting below. I'm sure some of you saw it differently. Until next season’s break up, I’m out. DP


  1. I wanted to thump that smirk off his face too! I agree with you completely on the jakevienna interview

  2. Guy in Austin (aka Dennis), you are right on about Jake and Vienna! You summed Jake up perfectly in four words: unemotional, controlling, condescending, and sexless. We all knew Vienna was a 23-year-old , immature, spoiled brat...what did Jake really expect?! I am not a Vienna fan, but nobody deserves to be looked down on like that...that is not a partner, just a controlling and condescending jerk!!

    BTW...I loved the "dennis" bracelet, although there seems to be some question (reading other blog sites) as to what Cape Cod Chris called it when he gave it to her. I actually thought it was pretty cool and have been wondering where I can get one. :)

    Also, since I've been reading your blog, I've noticed you're always so in tune with what everybody is wearing, especially for a guy! Just sayin...

    As always, great blog!

  3. Dennis bracelet is a play on the words "tennis bracelet". Funny.

    Best line - "a belt for a skirt". I too thought, what if she has to bend over!!!

    Jake = arrogant, self centered, jerk! What a douche!

  4. Wenigere, Vienna is by no means innocent, but your points are well-taken. I believe it was the Dennis bracelet. Hell, even if it wasn't it is now. I'll start my own line. As far as the wardrobe comments, let's just say that I understand my audience. My entire wardrobe consists of cheap pearl snap shirts and jeans. I'm far from metrosexual, although I do clean up nicely. Thanks for reading. Just sayin'... DP

  5. my favorite part of the jake/vienna fiasco was when harrison said "we don't really care about the dog".

    i think they were BOTH ridiculous. jake=smug and self-important. vienna=immature & repetitive. i didn't find jake's "yelling" to be a big deal. he certainly had to.

    makes me wanna be nicer to my husband, for sure!

    as for ali's episode- i thought it was quite anticlimactic. i'm with you on the whole "again with the dead mom thing!?!"...

    love your take on the recap!
    glad to find your blog.

  6. “At least I’m pursuing a career in something,” he says and millions of women across America tried not to spill their chardonnay as they gasped in horror before laughing hysterically.

    have we met?

  7. It is a Dennis bracelet. They are named after where they are made, Dennis, MA, Chris' hometown.

    Awesome recap...especially in an episode where Ali's crazy was oozing out all over the place making teh whole thing awkward and semi-unenjoyable. Homegirl has issues. Was she the only one who the ABC on hand psychologist didn't evaluate before putting her on this show...or did they just figure an emotionally scared, overly insecure, painfully inept communicator was more entertaining than someone normal?

    Love Chris L...wish Ali would stop trying to make the man talk about his mother. It's like her go-to topic whenever she wants to change the mood from light and fun to serious and emotionally overwrought. Seriously, enough already. Roberto is obviously a master in the art of the woo, but he's a bit much for me. Some of the things he says are a bit too Harlequin novel cheese for me, even though I think he's sincere. However, I can understand why Ali would question why he would like her because I can see absolutely no quantifiable reason that he actually should.

  8. I broke up with you! No, I broke up with you! No, I broke up with you first.
    Good Lord, what are we, 16 years old?

    Great recap.
    I have to say I like Roberto the best. Ain't nothing sexier than a confident man. All he needs now is a confident woman. He can start looking as soon as this show is over.

  9. Dear S. Guy, love the Doisneau and Apocolypse Now references. And keep up the "mold boy" moniker for Kirk -- it suits. His parents don't fit his character, non? Love the J&V play-by-play. Indeed, chardonnay spewed at said moment. Could you sometime enlighten your readers how it is that you know women so well?? Thanks, as always, for making our post-Bach days.

  10. "She was with a gay guy she tells us. We assume she didn’t mean Jake and wonder how she knows the Weatherman."


    This is my first posting - I adore your blogs. You hit it on the head every single time. I love this show so I can read you and Lincee. I know Frank is a neurotic basket case, but I think he and Ali have the most chemistry (maybe because she's equally neurotic.) I think all the remaining guys are good ones - she can't go wrong with any of 'em. But I think her insecurities will get the best of her and she'll end up alone.

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  12. Did you notice that Ali was undressing Frank during their alone time? When they were sitting in the tree she was unbuttoning his shirt. He looked kindof surprised.

    Hilarious recap as always!!

  13. "Kirk shows up in...surprise...a plaid shirt and jeans dressed like a Lisbion." It doesn't get any better than that.

  14. As a married woman, I had to laugh about some of the issues Jake and Vienna fought about because the issues, for the most part, are so typical in a relationship. Getting lost? check. Where to place furniture? check. In-laws? check. I guess the difference between a healthy, loving relationship and a self-centered, draining relationship is not WHAT you fight about, but HOW you handle these arguments. Obviously, these 2 are unable to make light of their rather shallow disagreements, and that is why their relationship suffered. Thank the Lord my husband and I respect our relationship enough to not let the little things bring us down!

  15. Bahahahahaha Fruit stripe gum dress.... I couldn't have said it better myself!!!!

  16. Love Your Reminder: "He’s the one who kept the relationship in the spotlight by getting a spray tan, putting on rhinestones, and going on Dancing with the Stars attempting to parlay the show into an acting career" followed by the classic "Vienna drops “fame whore” on him and the pettiness sinks lower than the Titanic in the North Sea". This was great TV, if you consider mud-wrestling great TV, where no one comes out looking good. But you know the parents of Tenley, Gia, and Ali must be lighting candles in gratitude that Jake sent their daughters home single and thus spared them this humiliation. Keep up the great blog! (referred to blog by Carol in Kona Hawaii and now I've sent link to friends here in the Bay Area!)

  17. Luh-uh-ve you.

    It's sooo amazing to find a man who watches the Bachelorette for all the same reasons I do...


  18. Ok, I didn't hardy have an opinion on Jake until I've watched him in the media since Bachelor ended. Now I hate him, and mostly for a something he said that you didn't even comment on.
    When she was talking about her sick puppy who was "in the hospital with ivs in her" and what does he say????????

    "I'm so sorry your dog is so spoiled she can only maintain one relationship at a time"

    I breed and show Chihuahuas (her is a Pom-Chi mix) and know just how fragile they can be. Turns out Jake said the pup shed too much and Vienna sent sweet pup, Chloe, home to her parents. The dog had lost a bunch of weight and prolly had some blood sugar issues (hypoglycemia) from all the stress of moving and losing "momma". My point is that it's Jake's fault that the dog was sick in the first place and then a comment like that? There are too many dog lovers out there for that to fly for 2 seconds.

    Oh and she said "You haven't flown in over a year" then the look on his face and the way he said "As a matter of fact I flew last weekend" I wanted to b*tch slap him

    This jerk better not let that pilot's license slip, he'll be back on cargo flights before he knows it in a town so small that Denton will look like NYC.

    Thanks for the blog...loved it...again.

  19. Great job on recapping both debacles.
    I'm in total agreement that now that Kasey is gone, Ali might be the craziest on the show. She really needs to pull it together!!! But you are right...it will probably all unravel even more!

  20. Ugh I was hoping you wouldn't even bother commenting on the trash that was the Vienna/Jake "interview". I'm not awarding points nor picking a side because that was absolutely disgusting to watch. Shame on the fame-whores of the world that insist on "talking it out" on TV!

    But besides that, your recap was awesome as always... You hit the nail right on the head when describing Kirk as one-dimensional "mold boy" (I laughed... a LOT). And I agree with the conclusion that Chris (and Roberto, and even Mold Boy) are "too good" for Ali.

    The daddy issues made me laugh too.

  21. First of all, you rock as a recapper. Donkey show in New Orleans! Bwah! And:

    "I hoped they would land in the early-90’s so Ty’s sideburns would fit in."

    As for Jake, you are spot on. Lots of rage in the tiny little man and who ever told him he's good-looking enough for Hollywood? Please go away.

    And Vienna? Jake may be a "fake liar" but she's a fake crier. I thought I was watching a bad soap audition.

    In six months, each will have found the perfect guy.

  22. Enjoyed your recap (as always)! I'll have to tell my girl Les thanks again for leading me here.
    Even the comments to your posts make me laugh...I think some readers need a dictionary!!!

  23. I read Jake's interview in People and he said he was in the series WALKER TEXAS RANGER, playing a young Chuck Norris. Huh? So he claims he's just returning to his former profession. I guess the pilot gig was his equivalent of waitressing. Wonder why this tidbit was never revealed on the show?

    Between his season of the Bachelor and this season with Ali, I just can't bring myself to care. I don't like either of them, so the only thing left is to laugh and speculate on the next bachelor. I wanted Roberto, but have decided he is just too smooth to be interesting. I vote for Chris L.

  24. I love reading your blog. So your "feelings" about Roberto are almost exactly what I think (which is kind of weird because I'm a 27 year old female). My friends and I are all big fans of his. I agree with your take away from the Jake/Vienna interview. I could never stand Jake and only started watching last season after my friend sent me your blog.

  25. SGIA,You of course were right on about Jake and Vienna. It was hard not to see that train wreck a'comin' (but oh so hard to look away)... However, last night when I watched the show, I was so angry at Jake. I sided with Vienna-- she seemed to have the facts and the smirks that Jake laid out, coupled with his general attitude reminded me of the phrase "There is no excuse for abuse".
    Whatever Jake tried to portray on "The Bachelor", he showed his true colors Monday night-- an abusive,manipulative, quite possibly gay, control freak who thinks he's charmed America. He's a fool.

  26. you have quite the London following as well my friend...consider your blog multi-national

  27. Okay, so I, for some reason I don't know, watched the show last night with my mom while I was visiting my parents house. Just for kicks and giggles I found this blog today and this is the funniest recap I have ever read! I may start watching the show just so I can read what you wrote about it after.

    I mean, WOW, that's all I can say, WOW!

    As per the interview it seemed to me, I didn't watch last season with Jake and Vienna, but just watching them it looked like they were both spotlight whores, seriously she could move back to Florida but then she pulled the card of "everybody in my small town turned their backs on me, so I want to stay in L.A.(a place I claim to hate, and while we were dating I wanted to move back to Florida or over to Dallas)"

    Overall I think that both deserved each other, a. for her to come down to earth, every teenage girl has to learn that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows b.(even though I talk about it later) Needed to get away from her parents home town in Florida and do her own thing. Everybody knows that the dancing with the stars is for retired has been's (Osmonds)and low b(Pam Anderson) list and C(the olympic figure skater, I don't even know his name) list celebs, like Jake himself. The biggest name on the show was probably Nicole Scherzinger and she's not big either, maybe a poster hung on a teenage boys ceiling above their bed and that's it.

    You have to like how the host, whatever you said his name was, kind of egged the argument on and when she got in the whole thing with the dog he was right there to bring them back on track so they could continue an argument. Oh something that Jake needs to learn is that sometimes you have to yell and show some emotion.

    In the end they were both kind of right and both very wrong, he's right in that relationships aren't all about sex and passion and that was something that she needed to learn but she was right in that they are, that early in a relationship it has to be about the passion because, forgive the language, they met on a damn tv show, the only thing they have is passion and they need to live off that until they start to build other bases for a relationship.

    Either way I have to say I loved your re-cap and I will probably watch the show just so I can come and laugh at what you write.

    Thanks A lot!


    P.S. I kind of get the idea that Ali isn't all that she says she is, she seems kind of fake. I mean come on.

  28. I love reading your blog. I had started my own on facebook and was inspired to put mine on blogspot as well. I also make it a drinking game. And play "live" on facebook w/some friends.
    And as for Jake, I wanted to "kick him in the head". I was a 3rd degree black, belt, and as you've pointed out, he's short enough!

  29. Wow, some passionate responses. I love it. Unfortunately for all of us, I believe that Jake and Vienna's 15 minutes are just about up. We'll all have to move on to something just as petty and ridiculous to keep us entertained. As always, thank you for reading and commenting. DP

  30. Some guy... *dreamy sigh*... you had me at pearl snap buttons and jeans. I left Texas 7 years ago, and I MISS those handsome Texas men and their pearl snap shirts & jeans. MAN! Well, the good news is that I just took a job involving a lot of traveling, so perhaps I will get to go back to TX and see the cuties once again!!

  31. Ahh, Stacey C., your dreamy sigh is well appreciated. I'll never leave Texas. Every time I do, I can't wait to get back to Austin--my home. Wherever you are, you should by a small framed Texas flag--if you don't own one then you're not a true Texan--and proudly display it. Thank you for appreciating pearl snaps. DP

  32. my first comment, Mr. Dennis. Now Get your ass to cycle class in the morning... You are too funny. And like Ali, I like my wine, and 2 glasses made this even funnier!!! (if possible)

    instead of Frank...I'm going to say:

    "Run, Roberto, run!!!!" He can come hang out in Austin for a while. LOL He's still my favorite, of course. She probably won't choose him and will kick herself in the butt in 5 years and wonder what the hell was she thinking. And her new buddy Jennifer Love Hewitt will nod and agree...WTF was she thinking?!!

    Chris L -- Bless his heart, he really does need help dressing. But Ali likes to be in control so this could work for her if she realizes she likes to be director and likes the man who is just listed in the credits. The bracelet was a nice touch. You really can never go wrong with jewelry.

    Kirk -- why is he still on here again?

    Frank- I think she just likes the glasses.

    Ty -- I liked him. Maybe b/c I really like Nashville, TN. Heaven forbid if someone wants to work for a living to make a girl's life easier. ;)

    BTW the only think Jake did right on his go at the show was not giving out the roses and sending 2 girls home on the same night. I often wondered if I had the opportunity...if I'd look to Chris Harrison and ask, "Can I shuffle like the game of solitaire and get a new 25?!? ...oh wait, 24. Keep Roberto."

  33. As always, I love the blog. Too many funny moments to comment on them all, but you, my fellow Texan, are a very clever guy. Love that you share your wit with us.

    Also, I'm so happy that we agree on the J&V debacle because you expressed it so well that I kept saying "Yes!" as I read your recap.

    Somehow, even though she is spoiled and self-centered, Vienna managed to gain ground in my very low opinion of her. Which basically means that Jake was a real tool.

  34. Keena, it's good to have a familiar name in the comment box. Thanks for reading. I'm only coming back to your spin class if you agree to play "On the Wings of Love" as the cool down song. Let me know. Nicole, it's always great to have a fellow Texan in the mix. Thank you too. DP

  35. Vienna acts like a 10 year old, and if it was me (a female), I would have had to b****-slap her after her constant interruptions because she's so annoying. If I was a guy, I would have lost my desire to be intimate (and temper too) after 6 months of that "me me me" behavior. To be fair, he has his own "me me me" issues and I can't defend his lack of tolerance to her beloved pet (it's like asking a Mother to give her kid away), and yes, like bonbon chihuashuas points out - it's most likely his fault doggy got ill from the stress of travel, change and losing its Mommy. But still, he should have known Vienna is still a 10 year old and expected her constant interruptions. Didn't everyone else in the house have trouble getting along with her? Anyway, she was stupid for not leaving him back when he asked her to send her puppy back to FL. Hey we ALL new this was not going to work out for whatever the surface reason is. Bottom line is that they are both too immature to handle any committment that doesn't come with a payout.

  36. Is anyone else noticing Ali's weight gain from episode to episode? Between that, the missing upper lip, and the tacky hair extensions, I can barely look at her. And it's tough to listen, too, because for such a self-proclaimed high-flying business executive, she is completely vapid and inarticulate.

  37. Totally loved your recap, the mold infested neck comment made me LOL!

    But I just can't believe how you gave Vienna a pass and it was all Jake Jake Jake. I never watched their season so I knew little about her until this interview. She talked and talked and talked, Jake rarely got to say a word. But at least he started by telling her he was mad at her and why. Not that she told a tabloid about them but that she did it while still acting as if they were together? You do NOT do that. And every time he tried to talk or say something, she would interrupt him and talk over him. I could completely see their whole relationship, her whining and crying and calling him all the time, pay attention to me pay attention to me pay attention to me, never letting him talk, never listening to him, needy needy hysterical, and he just checked out. Then she tries to get him interested in her with a lot of temper tantrums and drama, and he refuses to get drawn in. I saw him really trying to keep his temper and some shred of dignity, and he finally snapped at her once after really putting up with it and putting up with it.

    I don;t much like him either but I sure don't think Vienna came out of things looking good at ALL. She is one of many young women in this world who has been riding the "I'm so cute and I'm a princess" train for her whole life. Ugh!

  38. Dear Guy in Austin,
    You cannot even begin to imagine the laughs that you provide every Tuesday to myself and some friends of mine. I have now started to watch the Bachelorette on Hulu and read your blog at the same time! I laugh the entire time!!! YOu are such a fun and talented writer. Tuesday is now my favorite day of the week! My friend JoAnne puts your website up on Tuesday morning and hits "refresh" about 1000 times waiting for your post. Thanks so much for keeping this mother of 5 in stitches every single week!
    Cindy from Cincinnati

  39. Dressed like a Lisbion?

    What color is a Mold-Sickness bracelet?

    Oh, you are so much more than an "Armchair Chris Harrison", Mr. Some Guy. You continue to make me laugh and laugh, and at what cost! I caught about 45 seconds of the Jake-Vienna Debacle and cringed 19 times. How you make it through watching this crap without losing many of your brain cells is beyond me. Thanks for posting the funny so I don't have to watch myself!

    Kelly in MI

  40. Did anyone notice Frank wasn't wearing glasses in Tahiti? Well, for what I understand he NEVER wears glasses, just contacts but the producers thought the gasses gave him a "Reid look" and made him wear them. I guess he decided there was no point in wearing them again when he went to Tahiti and went the way he usually looks.

    I don't think he is "the most hated man in the country", as some have labeled him. Hey, he did what he had to do.