Well, here we are. It’s Episode 8 and some interesting turns of events are set to happen. We get to meet the families of the remaining four dudes vying for Ali’s emotionally unavailable heart. A few house keeping items first:
First, I’ve fixed the comment section of the blog. I was getting a lot of emails about the lack of user friendliness. For that I apologize. If you’d like to comment you can do so without setting a profile. Simply select the “anonymous” option and comment away. Please sign your comment so I know who I’m dealing with. If your internet name is misterpickle69 or something like that, don’t bother signing. Second, in what is quickly turning into the “Freebird” of the blog world, I’d like to send this week’s shout out to my favorite four ex-patriots from the U.S. now living in England who were kind enough to send me an email reminding me that my blog helps them stomach the food and the weather over there. Thanks to all of you for reading. Enjoy your Indian food and six dollar (3 pound) Budweiser beer while reading this. Seriously, thanks for writing. I’m glad to have friends across the pond. Finally, thanks to the kind folks at the Austin Post (www.austinpost.org) for giving me a nice award for the blog last week. That was thoughtful. Undeserved, but thoughtful. I used the prize money to get hammered at a Band of Heathens (Google them) show on Friday night. Finally, look me up on Facebook. Guy in Austin is the page name. Now, in light of my newly realized multi-national, award winning status, let’s get to it.
We begin back in the City of Angels and get the standard shots of Ali wandering aimlessly through the city. Although this next paragraph flies in the face of my penchant for kindness, we might as well begin by discussing the elephant in the room (no pun intended)—Ali’s weight gain. I’ll say this up front. She’s not fat. I don’t want emails claiming that I hate fat people or I’m just like every man who thinks women should be a size 2 or how Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave or how Betty Friedan wants to punch me. Save it, please. All shapes and sizes can be sexy and attractive. For me anyway, it’s more about how a woman carries herself than any certain body type. I’m merely pointing out a significant, noticeable change in Ali’s appearance since we first met her in Jake’s season. I digress.
Suffice it to say that I think that she’s an attractive girl—well, save the tiny teeth, overly large lower lip, and the whining—but let’s be honest; all 15 pounds were showing. We all know that Ali admitted to a 15 pound gain in a post production interview. However, I’m not in possession of the closely guarded algorithm used to calculate her actual weight gain. When a woman publicly admits to an extra 15 pounds, there’s bound to be some secret formula hidden somewhere allowing us to determine the true amount of weight gain. Without the Rosetta Stone guessing that number is like dog years or men’s descriptions of penis size; it’s literally impossible to determine without the proper measurement. Regardless, she looked really pretty on Jake’s season. She looks less pretty now. Sigh…
Ali packs her crap and her shiny Cinderella shoes into her giant, red plastic suitcase and tells us in her super feminine, scoop neck, turquoise cotton tee that she’s heading to Tampa, Florida to see Roberto. Needless to say, I had no idea she wasn’t the only one that would be seen wearing a super feminine, cotton scoop neck tee this episode. More about that later.
We cut Roberto’s Spanish theme music and pictures of the beach and then to an anticipatory Roberto in his blue plaid, yellow trim pearl snap shirt awaiting Ali’s arrival at whatever college he attended in Tampa. Roberto dons the Livestrong bracelet he stole from Kirk’s shaving kit letting us know that he appreciates both the battles against cancer and mold sickness while telling us that he’s excited to see Ali.
“'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come,” said Lord Byron. ‘Tis also sweet to know that Roberto’s dimples will appear when Ali arrives. ‘Tis sweet indeed. Ali arrives and is dumped off 300 yards away so that they can run knowingly into each others’ arms, demonstrating that the yellow in Roberto’s pearl snap shirt compliments Ali’s canary yellow shirt. Man, that Roberto thinks of everything.
A giggly Ali gives us a brief shot of her lucky mood ring. It’s yellow, which means she’s excited to see Roberto’s dimples. It could also mean that she’s appreciative of the dedication and research needed to get a handle on mold sickness. We’re not sure. Tampa is “beeyooootiful” she tells Roberto as he concisely and directly lays out his plans. “We’ll walk around a bit and I’ll show you some stuff,” he tells her. Vagueness aside, Ali and her rooster necklace (wtf?) tell us she’s happy to be wearing tennis shoes and can’t wait for Roberto to show her his stuff. I'll bet. We all took a collective sip of our wine and wondered about Roberto's stuff. Granted, my thoughts were probably a bit different than yours, but I did, in fact, wonder.
By the way, why was she wearing a rooster necklace? Where would one obtain a rooster necklace if one were so inclined to purchase one? Perhaps the Weatherman would know. He likes cocks.
We head next to Roberto’s Field of Dreams. As if he needed any more ammunition, Roberto shows Ali where he played his college baseball. There’s some high hand holding and Roberto continues to pile on in Chris L. fashion by using all of the tools he has in his bag. This is the hometown, damn it. Even Roberto is not taking any chances. He presents Ali with a jersey with his number on it left over from Roberto Night at the Ballpark. She quickly puts it on in an effort to hide the junk in her trunk and pretends like there aren’t hundreds of Cuban women strolling around in East Tampa wearing the same jersey.
Roberto suits up in his baseball uniform and an elated Ali does her best version of the Jillian leg wrap. Dark roots and all, she tells us that a baseball uniform is the sexiest thing a man can put on. Roberto goes for the squeeze play by using what Ali refers to as the “oldest trick in the book” by sneaking up behind her and letting her handle his bat. I’ll say this. I’m not now nor do I plan on becoming a homosexual. However, if I was in prison, I think I’d like to share a cell with Roberto. By the way, a club to the back of the head and a romp in the cave is the oldest move in the book, but the sneak up from behind move is not far behind. Ali apparently never saw Clan of the Cave Bear with Daryl Hannah. Ali giggles and squeals like a teenager at a Justin Bieber meet and greet and she hasn’t even met the family yet.
After hitting some fungos and taking batting practice, Roberto presents Ali with his baseball card from her hometown team and her mood ring goes from giggly to horny. They share grapes and wine as Roberto plays it cool. A la Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty in Splendor in the Grass, they lay there on the field discussing life’s trials in anticipation of meeting the rest of the Robertos. Ali and Roberto prove to be very compatible provided she keeps her mouth shut.
The rented Tahoe heads to Casa Roberto and we meet his family. Let’s see, there’s Olga Roberto, Olga II Roberto, Roberto Sr. Roberto, Peter Roberto, and Kristin Roberto. They, like Roberto, are all attractive. Roberto’s brother, Peter Roberto, apparently took time off of his world tour with Menudo to be there. Roberto’s mother looked better than Ali. Surprisingly, Ali does a fairly good job with the family. They all seem like nice people. Roberto Sr. Roberto shows Ali all of the trophies that Roberto won as a child. She takes special note of the one he won for Best Dimples. Roberto talks his dad down from being too difficult and dad heads to—ironically—the yellow couch for the Ali Q&A. Ali pretends to have a job and tells us that she won’t do sh*t to make Roberto happy unless she can be “fulfilled” too. Poor answer for the traditional Roberto Sr. Roberto.
We get the standard dad/son, mom/son approval talks as they pretend Ali is good enough for Roberto. Roberto and Roberto Sr. Roberto have a heart to heart in what looked like the spare room in a brothel. Seriously, a red velvet comforter? Roberto talks to Olga Roberto and they speak some Spanish. They all retire to the living room for some salsa dancing as we see where Roberto learned his moves. Ali and her intimacy issues tip her hand by announcing that Roberto is too perfect for her as self doubt creeps in again. Thoreau once wrote that “Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame.” Unfortunately, I think that applies here. Roberto burns brightly, and that’s what Ali sees. If only Ali read Thoreau instead of In Touch Magazine.
Next stop, Cape Cod.
We next move to Chris L. and his hoodie strolling along the beach with his faithful dog in the rotten weather dressed, as usual, like he’s seven years old. Dennis, Mass. is where he’s from and he’s proud to have Ali coming to see it. I have a difficult time hating anything named after me, but the weather looked miserable. Ali emerges in perhaps the worst shoe choice of the season and—in the spirit of Chris L.’s wardrobe—shouts “doggie!” like a four year old at the freaking park and then giggles uncontrollably like she’s never seen a Labrador in her life. She and her high heeled knee boots attempt to run across the wet sand as she fights off an ankle sprain to greet Chris L. She forgot to tuck in her shawl too. A shawl? What is she, 80? Why can’t these people dress their age for God’s sake? Look, I know the shawl made a brief comeback in late ’07, early ’08, but retire it, would you? The only people who should wear shawls are already retired.
Ali and her new hips take a walk down the wet beach and they discuss mating whales before eventually arriving at Chris L.’s dad’s house so he can show her his room and the special shelf in the pantry where he’s allowed to keep his Alpha Bits and Count Chocula. They booze it up on the porch after looking at pictures of his deceased mother and discussing the Dennis Bracelet. We get a closer look at Ali’s Cher boots and marvel at the starkness of the contrast between them and Chris L.’s Heely Sneakers with the roller skate wheels in the bottom. Ignoring the ABC contractual obligation that requires him to do so, he tells her that he wouldn’t have brought her home if he wasn’t serious about her. Whatever. Ali puts a quilt on her lap to go with her shawl. They await the fam.
The family arrives at home and we see that Chris L.’s father looks like Mickey Mantle. He’s happy to see Chris L. and jovially greets Ali as Chris’ sister, Maria Shriver, arrives with his brothers Mark and Eric and some girl named Sarah who is dressed like Laura Ingalls Wilder from the waist up. “Love is the Only Reality” mom’s Dennis bracelet reads as they all share their Dennis bracelet stories. Demonstrating her emotional walls, Ali again provides a sh*tty answer to the canned “why do you like him?” question and Maria Shriver and her giant teeth are immediately put on red alert. Chris L.’s brother shows off his Moldstrong bracelet as the women pull Chris L. aside for some ball busting. Ali and The Mick talk it out on the couch and Ali is again presented with yet another man who is capable of articulating his deepest feelings. What is she, like 0 for 5 on the Men Can’t Share Their Feelings Card this season? Daddy issues are a bitch.
Like an episode of Little House on the Prairie, everyone hugs, feelings are shared, and pleasantries are tearfully exchanged in the yard as Chris L.’s brother’s fiancé playfully runs through the yard looking for Michael Landon and Merlin Olsen. Chris L. and Ali head to the random turret in the back yard for some neck smooching. Nice family, nice visit, and a nice guy.
From Chowder to Cheese, we head to Green Bay to meet Kirk and his family.
We arrive to banjos and cows as Kirk awaits anxiously in a black version of Frank’s lucky green coat. Ali arrives in a yellow version of Frank’s lucky green coat as we learn that Kirk’s divorced parents don’t speak. Bummer. Adding another brick to my Daddy Issues wall, Ali lets us know that her parents are divorced as well. She quickly deflects attention from her own issues by accusing Kirk of trust issues. We enter Kirk’s father’s house and meet his step mom, dad, and adopted kid sister—honestly, I think she was borrowed from the ABC prop department in an effort to make Kirk’s stepmother remotely sympathetic. For some reason, there were thousands of plates adorning the walls.
In this week’s creepiest moment, Kirk’s father drops the “wanna see my basement?” We are reminded of Kasey and wonder if he’s still nomadically wandering the Icelandic tundra like Zhivago searching for his beloved Lara. A reticent Ali accompanies dad to the basement door but insists he goes first for fear of having him stuff her. Surprise, he’s a taxidermist. Of course, we all saw that ten times a night this week on ABC, but we act surprised right along with her. He shows her the thousands of dead animals he’s mounted and a horrified Ali ignores the human body parts in his freezer and prays the camera guy is strong enough to overtake him in the event of an attack. Ironically, the basement was the least tacky room in the house. Upstairs, Kirk talks to his fake sister and step-mom chimes in in a raspy male voice as we wonder if her hormone replacement drugs are in need of new dosing. I checked for an Adam’s apple but it was difficult to see with all of the decorative plates obscuring my view. Ali talks to dad and a plastic squirrel and realizes he’s a nice guy. He’s just boring—like Kirk. They play soccer in the yard.
We arrive at Kirk’s mom’s house as Ali’s voice over tells us that she’s concerned about the effect that his parents’ divorce had on him. It might be a deal breaker she tells us. To be fair, we all have our deal breakers. Personally, mine are smoking, jealousy, and gonorrhea . . . in that order.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream
It’s a damn good thing that Shakespeare knew what he was talking about because after meeting Kirk’s mom, we realize that Kirk never would have been conceived if Cupid wasn’t blind. I’m sure his mom is sweet and all but, man, she was about as easy on the eyes as a solar eclipse. Grandma and sis are there to help out. They eat some meatloaf and carrots as Grandma forces the cheesy potatoes down everyone’s throat. Ali is delighted to have a home cooked meal because she misses them she tells Grandma as she takes a polite portion of the damn cheesy potatoes. Unfortunately for her, she certainly didn’t miss any room service meals while she was poontangin’ all over Creation for the past month.
Kirk talks to his real sister as Ali talks Moldstrong bracelets with mom and everyone eventually hugs as Ali envisions a future arguing with Kirk about how to work in visits to 4 separate households during the holidays. Obviously in denial, Kirk says that they “have something that can last.” Well, at least until the rose ceremony, Kirk. Trust me, she did you a favor.
Next stop, Chi Town to meet the nervous Frank.
Frank awaits Ali in women’s jeans and his lucky green jacket. Underneath the lucky green jacket is his Mr. Rogers’ sweater and an unexplainable cotton, scoop neck, wife-beater t-shirt. He looked like a gay Ferris Bueller. They board some boat and pose for each other. Weak. Searching for something to say Ali tells us that she loves how Frank is so “easy going.” What? Frank is easily the most neurotic guy on the show. She’s clearly still delirious from all of the starch in those cheesy potatoes. Ali tells us that she’s happy that she and Frank are unencumbered and can do whatever they want. “Who, being loved, is poor?” said Oscar Wilde. Apparently, Frank and Ali. They both act poor and unemployed by drinking alcohol while enjoying free public transportation.
Frank stresses out and we see that the only thing holding him together is his hair product. For a change, Ali listens to someone else indecisively whine and we get some foreshadowing into Frank’s well-known departure as he caresses her arm and looks nervously around for his girlfriend. They head to Frank’s parents’ house so he can show her his room and they can cuddle on his bean bag chair and look at his posters.
We meet Debbie and Hank, Frank’s parents, his sister, Becky, and his brother-in-law, Chris. His dad looks like a poor man’s Maury Povich. They have some banter about nothing and Ali and mom head outside to kill a couple of Marlboro Reds before mom drops the canned questions and tries to close the deal for Frank proving that she knows nothing about his harlot in waiting. Frank, his sister, and brother-in-law sit in some weird Chinese room and discuss his indecision. I was waiting for someone to deliver a plate of sushi. Odd. Frank’s sister chats up Ali about the “crazy whirlwind of stuff” and does her best to politely warn Ali that Frank is an emotional car bomb waiting to detonate.
Frankly (no pun intended), I was bored with Frank’s hometown. I kept wondering why in the hell he was wearing what he was and why Frank’s parents didn’t have curtains in their entire house. Sure, the blinds were lovely, but some curtains would have really tied the place together. Perhaps they were waiting until the kids were grown enough to move out of their house before entering into such a significant . . . oh, wait. Never mind. Everyone hugs and Ali leaves.
FINALLY, we see Harrison as he arrives to greet Ali in her mauve dress with ruffly stuff on the chest. After a cursory hug, Harrison escorts Ali to the Lair of Seclusion and they rehash each visit. Roberto is a fairy tale, Chris was a big surprise, Kirk’s parents are divorced, and she loves Frank’s family. Harrison subtly displays the new P. Diddy watch that the network bought him for putting up with Ali’s cranky ass last week in Portugal and eventually gets even by making Ali cry. He’s awesome. With tears flowing, Harrison excuses himself from the Lair of Seclusion to grab some wine and a steak before Kirk’s big send off.
Ali arrives. She’s a mess. Roberto put on a suit but still doesn’t tighten the tie because he doesn’t have to. I’m certain that 90% of the audience wished that he wore the baseball uniform again. Frank wears his undertaker suit again and tightens the tie until it hurts. Chris L. actually wore the dress shoes he borrowed from Mickey Mantle and complimented it with a French blue shirt and tie. Kirk wore all black with a gray and black tie dressed like a limo driver. Kirk gets booted and Ali cries and Harrison shows up to mop up a bit of the mess. Kirk takes an opportunity to thank Ali for ruining him emotionally and manages an insincere hug before hitting the limo and heading back to eat some cheesy rejection potatoes in Green Bay. She made the right decision in light of the fact that she doesn’t know Frank’s dirty little secret. Ali returns to the MAN-sion as Roberto, Frank, and Chris L. toast with her while picturing her naked in the Fantasy Suite.
Oh, and Jillian and Ed broke up.
So there it is. With the Amazing count at a record-setting 127, we head to Tahiti where we’re bound to run into some of Marlon Brando’s illegitimate children while watching the wheels come off the Frank train. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be stuffing myself with cheesy potatoes. DP
First, I’ve fixed the comment section of the blog. I was getting a lot of emails about the lack of user friendliness. For that I apologize. If you’d like to comment you can do so without setting a profile. Simply select the “anonymous” option and comment away. Please sign your comment so I know who I’m dealing with. If your internet name is misterpickle69 or something like that, don’t bother signing. Second, in what is quickly turning into the “Freebird” of the blog world, I’d like to send this week’s shout out to my favorite four ex-patriots from the U.S. now living in England who were kind enough to send me an email reminding me that my blog helps them stomach the food and the weather over there. Thanks to all of you for reading. Enjoy your Indian food and six dollar (3 pound) Budweiser beer while reading this. Seriously, thanks for writing. I’m glad to have friends across the pond. Finally, thanks to the kind folks at the Austin Post (www.austinpost.org) for giving me a nice award for the blog last week. That was thoughtful. Undeserved, but thoughtful. I used the prize money to get hammered at a Band of Heathens (Google them) show on Friday night. Finally, look me up on Facebook. Guy in Austin is the page name. Now, in light of my newly realized multi-national, award winning status, let’s get to it.
We begin back in the City of Angels and get the standard shots of Ali wandering aimlessly through the city. Although this next paragraph flies in the face of my penchant for kindness, we might as well begin by discussing the elephant in the room (no pun intended)—Ali’s weight gain. I’ll say this up front. She’s not fat. I don’t want emails claiming that I hate fat people or I’m just like every man who thinks women should be a size 2 or how Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave or how Betty Friedan wants to punch me. Save it, please. All shapes and sizes can be sexy and attractive. For me anyway, it’s more about how a woman carries herself than any certain body type. I’m merely pointing out a significant, noticeable change in Ali’s appearance since we first met her in Jake’s season. I digress.
Suffice it to say that I think that she’s an attractive girl—well, save the tiny teeth, overly large lower lip, and the whining—but let’s be honest; all 15 pounds were showing. We all know that Ali admitted to a 15 pound gain in a post production interview. However, I’m not in possession of the closely guarded algorithm used to calculate her actual weight gain. When a woman publicly admits to an extra 15 pounds, there’s bound to be some secret formula hidden somewhere allowing us to determine the true amount of weight gain. Without the Rosetta Stone guessing that number is like dog years or men’s descriptions of penis size; it’s literally impossible to determine without the proper measurement. Regardless, she looked really pretty on Jake’s season. She looks less pretty now. Sigh…
Ali packs her crap and her shiny Cinderella shoes into her giant, red plastic suitcase and tells us in her super feminine, scoop neck, turquoise cotton tee that she’s heading to Tampa, Florida to see Roberto. Needless to say, I had no idea she wasn’t the only one that would be seen wearing a super feminine, cotton scoop neck tee this episode. More about that later.
We cut Roberto’s Spanish theme music and pictures of the beach and then to an anticipatory Roberto in his blue plaid, yellow trim pearl snap shirt awaiting Ali’s arrival at whatever college he attended in Tampa. Roberto dons the Livestrong bracelet he stole from Kirk’s shaving kit letting us know that he appreciates both the battles against cancer and mold sickness while telling us that he’s excited to see Ali.
“'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come,” said Lord Byron. ‘Tis also sweet to know that Roberto’s dimples will appear when Ali arrives. ‘Tis sweet indeed. Ali arrives and is dumped off 300 yards away so that they can run knowingly into each others’ arms, demonstrating that the yellow in Roberto’s pearl snap shirt compliments Ali’s canary yellow shirt. Man, that Roberto thinks of everything.
A giggly Ali gives us a brief shot of her lucky mood ring. It’s yellow, which means she’s excited to see Roberto’s dimples. It could also mean that she’s appreciative of the dedication and research needed to get a handle on mold sickness. We’re not sure. Tampa is “beeyooootiful” she tells Roberto as he concisely and directly lays out his plans. “We’ll walk around a bit and I’ll show you some stuff,” he tells her. Vagueness aside, Ali and her rooster necklace (wtf?) tell us she’s happy to be wearing tennis shoes and can’t wait for Roberto to show her his stuff. I'll bet. We all took a collective sip of our wine and wondered about Roberto's stuff. Granted, my thoughts were probably a bit different than yours, but I did, in fact, wonder.
By the way, why was she wearing a rooster necklace? Where would one obtain a rooster necklace if one were so inclined to purchase one? Perhaps the Weatherman would know. He likes cocks.
We head next to Roberto’s Field of Dreams. As if he needed any more ammunition, Roberto shows Ali where he played his college baseball. There’s some high hand holding and Roberto continues to pile on in Chris L. fashion by using all of the tools he has in his bag. This is the hometown, damn it. Even Roberto is not taking any chances. He presents Ali with a jersey with his number on it left over from Roberto Night at the Ballpark. She quickly puts it on in an effort to hide the junk in her trunk and pretends like there aren’t hundreds of Cuban women strolling around in East Tampa wearing the same jersey.
Roberto suits up in his baseball uniform and an elated Ali does her best version of the Jillian leg wrap. Dark roots and all, she tells us that a baseball uniform is the sexiest thing a man can put on. Roberto goes for the squeeze play by using what Ali refers to as the “oldest trick in the book” by sneaking up behind her and letting her handle his bat. I’ll say this. I’m not now nor do I plan on becoming a homosexual. However, if I was in prison, I think I’d like to share a cell with Roberto. By the way, a club to the back of the head and a romp in the cave is the oldest move in the book, but the sneak up from behind move is not far behind. Ali apparently never saw Clan of the Cave Bear with Daryl Hannah. Ali giggles and squeals like a teenager at a Justin Bieber meet and greet and she hasn’t even met the family yet.
After hitting some fungos and taking batting practice, Roberto presents Ali with his baseball card from her hometown team and her mood ring goes from giggly to horny. They share grapes and wine as Roberto plays it cool. A la Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty in Splendor in the Grass, they lay there on the field discussing life’s trials in anticipation of meeting the rest of the Robertos. Ali and Roberto prove to be very compatible provided she keeps her mouth shut.
The rented Tahoe heads to Casa Roberto and we meet his family. Let’s see, there’s Olga Roberto, Olga II Roberto, Roberto Sr. Roberto, Peter Roberto, and Kristin Roberto. They, like Roberto, are all attractive. Roberto’s brother, Peter Roberto, apparently took time off of his world tour with Menudo to be there. Roberto’s mother looked better than Ali. Surprisingly, Ali does a fairly good job with the family. They all seem like nice people. Roberto Sr. Roberto shows Ali all of the trophies that Roberto won as a child. She takes special note of the one he won for Best Dimples. Roberto talks his dad down from being too difficult and dad heads to—ironically—the yellow couch for the Ali Q&A. Ali pretends to have a job and tells us that she won’t do sh*t to make Roberto happy unless she can be “fulfilled” too. Poor answer for the traditional Roberto Sr. Roberto.
We get the standard dad/son, mom/son approval talks as they pretend Ali is good enough for Roberto. Roberto and Roberto Sr. Roberto have a heart to heart in what looked like the spare room in a brothel. Seriously, a red velvet comforter? Roberto talks to Olga Roberto and they speak some Spanish. They all retire to the living room for some salsa dancing as we see where Roberto learned his moves. Ali and her intimacy issues tip her hand by announcing that Roberto is too perfect for her as self doubt creeps in again. Thoreau once wrote that “Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame.” Unfortunately, I think that applies here. Roberto burns brightly, and that’s what Ali sees. If only Ali read Thoreau instead of In Touch Magazine.
Next stop, Cape Cod.
We next move to Chris L. and his hoodie strolling along the beach with his faithful dog in the rotten weather dressed, as usual, like he’s seven years old. Dennis, Mass. is where he’s from and he’s proud to have Ali coming to see it. I have a difficult time hating anything named after me, but the weather looked miserable. Ali emerges in perhaps the worst shoe choice of the season and—in the spirit of Chris L.’s wardrobe—shouts “doggie!” like a four year old at the freaking park and then giggles uncontrollably like she’s never seen a Labrador in her life. She and her high heeled knee boots attempt to run across the wet sand as she fights off an ankle sprain to greet Chris L. She forgot to tuck in her shawl too. A shawl? What is she, 80? Why can’t these people dress their age for God’s sake? Look, I know the shawl made a brief comeback in late ’07, early ’08, but retire it, would you? The only people who should wear shawls are already retired.
Ali and her new hips take a walk down the wet beach and they discuss mating whales before eventually arriving at Chris L.’s dad’s house so he can show her his room and the special shelf in the pantry where he’s allowed to keep his Alpha Bits and Count Chocula. They booze it up on the porch after looking at pictures of his deceased mother and discussing the Dennis Bracelet. We get a closer look at Ali’s Cher boots and marvel at the starkness of the contrast between them and Chris L.’s Heely Sneakers with the roller skate wheels in the bottom. Ignoring the ABC contractual obligation that requires him to do so, he tells her that he wouldn’t have brought her home if he wasn’t serious about her. Whatever. Ali puts a quilt on her lap to go with her shawl. They await the fam.
The family arrives at home and we see that Chris L.’s father looks like Mickey Mantle. He’s happy to see Chris L. and jovially greets Ali as Chris’ sister, Maria Shriver, arrives with his brothers Mark and Eric and some girl named Sarah who is dressed like Laura Ingalls Wilder from the waist up. “Love is the Only Reality” mom’s Dennis bracelet reads as they all share their Dennis bracelet stories. Demonstrating her emotional walls, Ali again provides a sh*tty answer to the canned “why do you like him?” question and Maria Shriver and her giant teeth are immediately put on red alert. Chris L.’s brother shows off his Moldstrong bracelet as the women pull Chris L. aside for some ball busting. Ali and The Mick talk it out on the couch and Ali is again presented with yet another man who is capable of articulating his deepest feelings. What is she, like 0 for 5 on the Men Can’t Share Their Feelings Card this season? Daddy issues are a bitch.
Like an episode of Little House on the Prairie, everyone hugs, feelings are shared, and pleasantries are tearfully exchanged in the yard as Chris L.’s brother’s fiancé playfully runs through the yard looking for Michael Landon and Merlin Olsen. Chris L. and Ali head to the random turret in the back yard for some neck smooching. Nice family, nice visit, and a nice guy.
From Chowder to Cheese, we head to Green Bay to meet Kirk and his family.
We arrive to banjos and cows as Kirk awaits anxiously in a black version of Frank’s lucky green coat. Ali arrives in a yellow version of Frank’s lucky green coat as we learn that Kirk’s divorced parents don’t speak. Bummer. Adding another brick to my Daddy Issues wall, Ali lets us know that her parents are divorced as well. She quickly deflects attention from her own issues by accusing Kirk of trust issues. We enter Kirk’s father’s house and meet his step mom, dad, and adopted kid sister—honestly, I think she was borrowed from the ABC prop department in an effort to make Kirk’s stepmother remotely sympathetic. For some reason, there were thousands of plates adorning the walls.
In this week’s creepiest moment, Kirk’s father drops the “wanna see my basement?” We are reminded of Kasey and wonder if he’s still nomadically wandering the Icelandic tundra like Zhivago searching for his beloved Lara. A reticent Ali accompanies dad to the basement door but insists he goes first for fear of having him stuff her. Surprise, he’s a taxidermist. Of course, we all saw that ten times a night this week on ABC, but we act surprised right along with her. He shows her the thousands of dead animals he’s mounted and a horrified Ali ignores the human body parts in his freezer and prays the camera guy is strong enough to overtake him in the event of an attack. Ironically, the basement was the least tacky room in the house. Upstairs, Kirk talks to his fake sister and step-mom chimes in in a raspy male voice as we wonder if her hormone replacement drugs are in need of new dosing. I checked for an Adam’s apple but it was difficult to see with all of the decorative plates obscuring my view. Ali talks to dad and a plastic squirrel and realizes he’s a nice guy. He’s just boring—like Kirk. They play soccer in the yard.
We arrive at Kirk’s mom’s house as Ali’s voice over tells us that she’s concerned about the effect that his parents’ divorce had on him. It might be a deal breaker she tells us. To be fair, we all have our deal breakers. Personally, mine are smoking, jealousy, and gonorrhea . . . in that order.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream
It’s a damn good thing that Shakespeare knew what he was talking about because after meeting Kirk’s mom, we realize that Kirk never would have been conceived if Cupid wasn’t blind. I’m sure his mom is sweet and all but, man, she was about as easy on the eyes as a solar eclipse. Grandma and sis are there to help out. They eat some meatloaf and carrots as Grandma forces the cheesy potatoes down everyone’s throat. Ali is delighted to have a home cooked meal because she misses them she tells Grandma as she takes a polite portion of the damn cheesy potatoes. Unfortunately for her, she certainly didn’t miss any room service meals while she was poontangin’ all over Creation for the past month.
Kirk talks to his real sister as Ali talks Moldstrong bracelets with mom and everyone eventually hugs as Ali envisions a future arguing with Kirk about how to work in visits to 4 separate households during the holidays. Obviously in denial, Kirk says that they “have something that can last.” Well, at least until the rose ceremony, Kirk. Trust me, she did you a favor.
Next stop, Chi Town to meet the nervous Frank.
Frank awaits Ali in women’s jeans and his lucky green jacket. Underneath the lucky green jacket is his Mr. Rogers’ sweater and an unexplainable cotton, scoop neck, wife-beater t-shirt. He looked like a gay Ferris Bueller. They board some boat and pose for each other. Weak. Searching for something to say Ali tells us that she loves how Frank is so “easy going.” What? Frank is easily the most neurotic guy on the show. She’s clearly still delirious from all of the starch in those cheesy potatoes. Ali tells us that she’s happy that she and Frank are unencumbered and can do whatever they want. “Who, being loved, is poor?” said Oscar Wilde. Apparently, Frank and Ali. They both act poor and unemployed by drinking alcohol while enjoying free public transportation.
Frank stresses out and we see that the only thing holding him together is his hair product. For a change, Ali listens to someone else indecisively whine and we get some foreshadowing into Frank’s well-known departure as he caresses her arm and looks nervously around for his girlfriend. They head to Frank’s parents’ house so he can show her his room and they can cuddle on his bean bag chair and look at his posters.
We meet Debbie and Hank, Frank’s parents, his sister, Becky, and his brother-in-law, Chris. His dad looks like a poor man’s Maury Povich. They have some banter about nothing and Ali and mom head outside to kill a couple of Marlboro Reds before mom drops the canned questions and tries to close the deal for Frank proving that she knows nothing about his harlot in waiting. Frank, his sister, and brother-in-law sit in some weird Chinese room and discuss his indecision. I was waiting for someone to deliver a plate of sushi. Odd. Frank’s sister chats up Ali about the “crazy whirlwind of stuff” and does her best to politely warn Ali that Frank is an emotional car bomb waiting to detonate.
Frankly (no pun intended), I was bored with Frank’s hometown. I kept wondering why in the hell he was wearing what he was and why Frank’s parents didn’t have curtains in their entire house. Sure, the blinds were lovely, but some curtains would have really tied the place together. Perhaps they were waiting until the kids were grown enough to move out of their house before entering into such a significant . . . oh, wait. Never mind. Everyone hugs and Ali leaves.
FINALLY, we see Harrison as he arrives to greet Ali in her mauve dress with ruffly stuff on the chest. After a cursory hug, Harrison escorts Ali to the Lair of Seclusion and they rehash each visit. Roberto is a fairy tale, Chris was a big surprise, Kirk’s parents are divorced, and she loves Frank’s family. Harrison subtly displays the new P. Diddy watch that the network bought him for putting up with Ali’s cranky ass last week in Portugal and eventually gets even by making Ali cry. He’s awesome. With tears flowing, Harrison excuses himself from the Lair of Seclusion to grab some wine and a steak before Kirk’s big send off.
Ali arrives. She’s a mess. Roberto put on a suit but still doesn’t tighten the tie because he doesn’t have to. I’m certain that 90% of the audience wished that he wore the baseball uniform again. Frank wears his undertaker suit again and tightens the tie until it hurts. Chris L. actually wore the dress shoes he borrowed from Mickey Mantle and complimented it with a French blue shirt and tie. Kirk wore all black with a gray and black tie dressed like a limo driver. Kirk gets booted and Ali cries and Harrison shows up to mop up a bit of the mess. Kirk takes an opportunity to thank Ali for ruining him emotionally and manages an insincere hug before hitting the limo and heading back to eat some cheesy rejection potatoes in Green Bay. She made the right decision in light of the fact that she doesn’t know Frank’s dirty little secret. Ali returns to the MAN-sion as Roberto, Frank, and Chris L. toast with her while picturing her naked in the Fantasy Suite.
Oh, and Jillian and Ed broke up.
So there it is. With the Amazing count at a record-setting 127, we head to Tahiti where we’re bound to run into some of Marlon Brando’s illegitimate children while watching the wheels come off the Frank train. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be stuffing myself with cheesy potatoes. DP
Loved it! As usual. From Daddy issues to emotional car bomb.....
ReplyDeleteBest quote: "Ali pretends to have a job and tells us that she won’t do sh*t to make Roberto happy unless she can be “fulfilled” too."
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
The way Kirk's dad said "Do you want to see my basement" made me want to scream at the TV "No! Don't go down there!".
ReplyDeleteLoved the blog. I defended Ali's weight a couple of weeks ago but I have to admit her outfits don't do her any favors. It's the skinny jeans with ballerina shoes, that combo can really only be pulled off by very skinny people. I like it when she wears her high boots, she looks thinner. My favourite comments from your blog this week:
ReplyDelete- Roberto Night at the Ballpark.
- Menudo
- about as easy on the eyes as a solar eclipse
Belinda (Ottawa, Canada)
Best lines ever... "the special shelf in the pantry where he’s allowed to keep his Alpha Bits and Count Chocula" and how Kirk's mom was about as "easy on the eyes as a solar eclipse." (Bless her heart). S.G., tell us you'll be blogcapping the Bachelor Pad -- pretty please!!!
ReplyDeleteBest lines ever:
ReplyDeleteWhere would one obtain a rooster necklace if one were so inclined to purchase one? Perhaps the Weatherman would know. He likes cocks.
And the one a few people already mentioned about Kirk's heinous-looking mom.
Hilarious!
Ali's not really fat, but she is ugly and her hair is gross. I like Chris, but he is naive. He is pursuing Ali who is not right for him at all. I know this is a game show, and the contestants' goal is to win, but Chris really should not be pursuing Ali. She doesn't seem to like him much anyway. The way he kissed her in the little stone tower was kind of gross. I thought he was going to suck in her whole head. Roberto, also, should not waste time pursuing Ali. Ali is self centered and mean and fake. Can you imagine how she would bitch at her husband about everything if she were married? I agree, Kirk is a snore. Frank is strange. He looks like Rumplestilskin in the new Shrek movie. And I really hated his outfit this week. Love your blog. LOVE IT!!!!
ReplyDeleteYet another week where I'm not buying that Roberto would be losing his ish over Ali. The only thing they both seem to have in common is a lack of an identifiable personality when they are together.
ReplyDelete...and for the love of all that is holy, would someone please spend the $135 to get Ali a chi flat iron and go ahead and throw in a brush.
My guess is Ali's weight gain is a combination of lack of working out and the veritable IV of alcohol she has running into her veins. I'm from New England, the land of the Irishmen, where beer flows like water, but seriously now. Homegirl had an adult bevvie in her hand the whole time she was with CCC, including while playing whiffle ball with the fam (in the deleted scene).
Your funniest blog to date... I was cracking up! Oh, and just for you, Some Guy...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.google.com/products?hl=en&q=rooster+necklace&rlz=1R2ADFA_enUS350&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=54k8TNn4F4Sclgf8mITjAg&sa=X&oi=product_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CDAQrQQwAA
...ask and you shall receive your rooster necklaces.
-Stacey
I'm loving the comments so far this week. Look, y'all are much tougher on Ali than I planned to be. She's 25 and she's been drunk for a month now with unlimited access to room service. Cut her a little slack. We'll see how she looks at the reunion show. Let's suspend judgment until then. Still, I find the comments funny. Stacey, thanks for directing me to the rooster necklace website. I now know what all of the special women in my life are getting for Christmas. They'll be thrilled. My prediction is that Ali picks no one--or vice versa. Oh, the humanity. Keep writing! DP
ReplyDeleteSome guy get out of my brain!!!! My thoughts exactly about this episode.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh Roberto. That's all I can think of to say...
ReplyDeleteGreat recap as always - it's the reason I look forward to Tuesdays. And thanks for pointing out that Frank was also wearing girl jeans. Everyone's been so fixated on the tshirt, nobody noticed he was wearing Brooke Shields' cast-off C.K.'s from 1982. And what was with the fleece jacket collar sticking out from under his suit coat at the rose ceremony? As for his house, the reason it looked so generic is that it wasn't his family's real home, it was one of those rent-a-homes probably used for convenience since they actually live in a suburb about an hour away from the actual city.
ReplyDeleteFor your man-records, if a woman says she's gained a specific amount of weight? You can safely add 3 to 5 pounds to that number and that's the REAL weight gain, so our little Ali's REALLY gained 18 to 20 pounds.
ReplyDeleteWhich is about right, with the junk in the trunk during the baseball leg-wrap.
Oh, and I don't think she picks anybody either.
ReplyDeleteYou are so great and funny! My friend here in Houston (S. Boyce) told us all about you and I've been reading you for a while now. I need to go back and read all your posts from the beginning. And Please do The Bachelor Pad - though, I'm sure you will!!
ReplyDeleteYour recaps are better than the actual show. Love your observations!
Jackie in Houston
"Roberto Sr. Roberto" had me stifling loud guffaws at my desk..... and a "gay Ferris Bueller?"
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to be caught back up on the funniest thing to hit the internet since ... well since forever.
Keep up the good work, and question for you as I don't actually watch the show (am I allowed to ask such a question here, I wonder?) -- what happens if Ali does not pick anyone at the end of the season? Has that happened before? OH NOES! WHAT WILL THEY DO, PRECIOUS?
Kelly in MI
Hilarious as usual. Loved the Roberto/prison line.
ReplyDeleteps. Give the ladies a "Dennis" bracelet instead.
Juliet from Vancouver Canada
absolutely loved the comment re: the rooster necklace. had i been drinking ANYTHING at that moment, my laptop would've been sputtered upon.
ReplyDeletei couldn't help but woner the whole time for kirk's hometown--- how did he get to be so hot?
i can say superficial crap like that, because i am not hot. but then, neither were my parents, per se.
---and did anyone notice the deer in the backyard as they were leaving his house? i wonder how long before it became a decoration.
i'm with you- and thought there was some shadiness to frank's sister's comments. doesn't she know the object of hometown is to SELL their boy, not diminish anything about him...
and, wow. clan of the cave bear. had no idea anyone else knew that movie!
loved your recap (again!)
In Ali's People blog she said they cut out the part of Frank's HTD when his father told Ali that he did not think Frank was ready for a committed relationship. Could it be because your 31 year old son is living in your basement...and apparently still shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch, like a 17 year old?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am calling BS on that being Frank's folks' home. Since he is from 40 minutes away from Chicaog why would they be cruising downtown Chi-town...and why would his parents be living in a curtainless, townhouse with weird partitions everywhere? Nah, Frank wanted out and didn't want to let Ali in his parents' house so they got some modular somewhere.
You know SGIA, I really love your blog more than I hate green beans. I am so over hers. It has gotten out of control with hundreds of comments. Thanks for doing this man!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, nice to see your romantical side intertwined through the recap like Ali's daddy/worth issues on most episodes; you know they are just bubbling at the surface and sometimes they spill over. Thank goodness yours show heart and wit and aren't unbearable to handle. Anyhoo, most laughed at part: "Needless to say, I had no idea she wasn’t the only one that would be seen wearing a super feminine, cotton scoop neck tee this episode. More about that later." Oh my. Good stuff. Thanks for the many laughs!
ReplyDeleteCariss
I love this blog so much. I really only put myself through the torture that is The Bachelorette each week just to read the blog the next day.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I'm still holding out that Ali will pick Frank. I just really don't feel that Cape Cod Chris or Roberto deserve her whiny butt. Hopefully they both reject her in the end. That would be an "amazing" end to this "amazing journey."
P.S. My deal breakers: genital warts, cut off jean shorts, and socks with sandals.
~Jenny
DP - you are so hilarious! My dream blog? A he-said/she-said featuring you and Lincee (of ihategreenbeans.com)!
ReplyDeleteFrom "Needless to say, I had no idea she wasn’t the only one that would be seen wearing a super feminine, cotton scoop neck tee this episode. More about that later." to the "solar eclipse" comment about Kirk's mon, to your "Frankly" pun - this was a wall-to-wall LOL post! Thanks for giving me ANOTHER reason to look forward to Tuesdays - I always felt so let-down after finishing ihategreenbeans and feeling like the laughs were over for awhile! Keep up the good work!
-Nancy
Best. Line. Of. The. Night. The entire synopsis of Kirk's hometown date. Brilliant! I read it twice and laughed out loud both times. Your whole blog (and Lincee's) are the ONLY reason I watch "Batch". Too good. Can't wait until next week. (The hormone replacement drugs needed a new dosing was a stroke of genius)
ReplyDeleteFifty-ish lady from Mississippi
You are so hilarious. I laughed out loud a lot more than even usual reading your blog this week. Cracked up starting back with Roberto's date...Love the family names (Roberto Sr. Roberto, etc) and how when Roberto gave her the UT jersey "She quickly puts it on in an effort to hide the junk in her trunk and pretends like there aren’t hundreds of Cuban women strolling around in East Tampa wearing the same jersey." Ha ha ha...I'm from Tampa, and I don't doubt that for a second...
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
You are so hilarious. I laughed out loud a lot more than even usual reading your blog this week. Cracked up starting back with Roberto's date...Love the family names (Roberto Sr. Roberto, etc) and how when Roberto gave her the UT jersey "She quickly puts it on in an effort to hide the junk in her trunk and pretends like there aren’t hundreds of Cuban women strolling around in East Tampa wearing the same jersey." Ha ha ha...I'm from Tampa, and I don't doubt that for a second...
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
Sorry for the double post....it claimed I spelled the secret word wrong and made me type it again....oops!
ReplyDeleteI read your blog every week, but failed to realize what an unbelievably bad idea it would be today, having just gotten my wisdom teeth out on Friday...but the laughing hurts so good.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being awesome!
Check out the new Frank promo that's up on abc.com -- here we go people!
ReplyDeleteAlso, just had a thought...maybe Frank was advised (or decided) to make himself increasingly unappealing, so when he pulled whatever he is about to pull, and broke Ali's heart, none of us would care... we would think "good riddance!" Otherwise, he might be more hated than Mesnick was...
That would explain the hometown outfit (not to mention the thumb ring!)
Kirk takes an opportunity to thank Ali for ruining him emotionally and manages an insincere hug before hitting the limo and heading back to eat some cheesy rejection potatoes in Green Bay.
ReplyDeletefavorite.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWas surprised that you and Lincee had such a different take on Ali's heart to heart with Roberto's dad. I totally agree with you that Ali gave a poor answer to "the traditional Roberto Sr. Roberto". Great commentating as always, thoroughly enjoy reading your blog ever Tuesday!
ReplyDeleteMelissa, CA
Love the Weatherman/cock line. OMG OMG. Soooo funny!!!
ReplyDeleteThe Frank hometown thing bugs me. He's not from Chicago, he doesn't even live in the same damn county. I mean, Some Guy, are you from Austin? Let's have a HTD with you in San Antonio instead. Geez.
--M
Everyone loves a good male anatomy joke. They never fail. DP
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! I've never once watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette...not even to score points with my ex-wife (that may explain the divorce). But, a friend told me to read your blog, just to get some laughs and I'm telling you I don't think I have ever laughed so hard! Finally there is someone in this world who publishes exactly what I am thinking every time Bacelor/Bachelorette season rolls around. Kudos to you good sir. I think I may start watching so I know exactly what is going on. I, for sure, will be reading your blog every week! You are a god among men!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, "a god among men" is a little much, but I appreciate the sentiment and I'm glad you enjoy the blog. You're literally only the second man to ever email/comment. I'm sure there are a lot more out there, but thank you for reading. We'll see who she picks, if she picks anyone. Happy Viewing! DP
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to comment until now.... and I have to say I loved all your previous posts but wasn't crazy with your comments on Ali's junk in the trunk (maybe because I have similiar said junk)but you were right about this week. I am guessing she freaked when Roberto told her to wear shorts on the date... as a girl built like Ali shorts are ONLY worn for athletic activity and NOT on home town dates/national television. I admit that the shot of her wrap leg hugging him was not flattering and I also know better than to wear ballet flats with skinny jeans.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, she is a darn pretty girl- and there is a pic of her on US weekly with her hair back to normal looking cute. (but doesn't make up for the giggling OMG show she is always putting on).
I love hearing a guy perspective of all the wardrobe choices- they make me laugh the most. I keep missing the rooster necklace-need to keep my eye out.