Bachelorette Emily Episode 5: Kalon Gets the F*ck Out

Well hello, Readers.  I trust that your week went by swimmingly.  Mine was rather busy again.  I’ve got a lot of balls in the air right now and it’s often difficult to keep juggling them.  Notwithstanding the fact that I’m grateful to have my balls juggled, it’s an exhausting proposition to sit through a one hour show that lasts two hours and come up with a witty breakdown the next morning.  Oh, who am I kidding? I love doing that.  I just wanted to set up an early anatomy joke. 

Before we begin this week I’d love to send a shout out to my London fan base.  I have fond memories of the ex-pats from the USA who now call England home because they were the first people to contact me and let me know that this little blog happened to be read on the other side of the pond.  That still makes me smile when I think about it and they’ve been kind enough to stay in touch over the past couple of years.  In fact, I got an early email last week reminding me that our favorite, least favorite show was being filmed from London.  Thanks for the message.  Good luck in London and travel safely wherever you end up going.  Oh, and if you see Kalon in a cab, point him toward the airport, would you?  Now, let’s get to it.  

We begin in London, England with canned shots of familiar landmarks before seeing Emily and Little Ricki stroll around the city taking advantage of the free swag provided by the ABC advertisers.  They take pictures and ride around in a double decker bus while Emily’s voice over (predictably) recaps her current “in search of the right man for the right reasons” status. 

In a subtle yet definite display that purple was indeed the color of nobility back when Mel Gibson was running around in a kilt, Harrison summons the remaining dudes for a powwow in Trafalgar Square in order to display his new purple scarf.  No one has worn purple that effectively since Prince.  So adamant was he about his selection, the men were prevented from wearing anything but grays and blacks.  It was like watching the first 15 minutes of The Wizard of Oz for crying out loud. 

Harrison lines up the three dates of the week.  There is, of course, the Group Date accompanied by two one-on-one dates.  No flower means you’re on a plane in an hour.  The men absorb the enormity of the week and retire to the Amarillo Suite in the Mayfair Hotel where they undoubtedly snuggled with their multicolored v-neck t-shirts before stumbling upon the first one-on-one Date Card.    

"Sean, Love takes no prisoners," it reads and I screamed “Tower of London” at my television after a swallowing a pull of cold Lone Star beer.  A muted, yet excited Sean overgels his hair (he’s from Dallas, what did you expect?), throws on some plaid over his v-neck, and busts out his best pair of Rascal Flatts jeans (he’s from Dallas, what did you expect?) as Kalon longs for control of the situation.  His androgynous smirk smacked of frustration.  My guess is that this little adventure is likely the first time in his entire life he wasn’t given exactly what he wanted on a platter matching the silver spoon that has been stuffed in his mouth since birth.

Emily arrives looking like a hotter, younger, female Colombo in her brown trenchcoat to meet Sean in the park.  They board a double decker bus and take an identical tour to the one she just had with Little Ricki before dropping her off with the overly permissive nanny.  Sean screams like an idiot and Emily spouts off some more facts from the “Things To Do In London” brochure she received in her ABC itinerary packet. 

BOOORING…   

Back in the Amarillo Room Good Guys Ari and Jef—as evidenced by their white t-shirts—set up this week’s conflict with Bad Guy Kalon in his black t-shirt.  Please.  They might as well have been issued cowboy hats and badges.  Kalon badmouths Little Ricki setting the pre-planned plot in motion and somewhere in the sound truck an ABC intern hit the “Confirm Reservation” button on a London to Houston flight he booked via the Priceline.com website.  We all knew it was coming.  Frankly, so did Kalon.  More about that later.      

Back in the park, Sean confesses that his last date was a harrowing 4-5 months ago.  He’s "selective" he tells her as they philosophize about "good guys" and their qualities.  Honestly, they seemed to have an understated chemistry.  Emily was clearly interested.  He carries her luxury brand handbag on the way to a place called Speaker's Corner where he gets up and speaks about love and some other horrible clichés about his parents and grandparents.  Canned?  Yes, but I’ll give him credit for owning it and she appeared to buy it, which, let’s face it, is all that really counts. 

Sufficiently impressed, they head for dinner in Tower of London.  “I knew it,” I smiled to myself.  Emily does her own royal impression sporting a light purple pashmina while being accompanied by Sean who is dressed like the Transporter.  The guy went from gray pinstripes and a pink tie to dressing like a chauffer.  What gives?    

Some English guy in a stupid outfit seats them.  By the way, I’ve never been to London but it appears that there are a lot of people in ridiculous outfits walking around that city.  It’s like a Renaissance festival accidentally occurring amidst a big city’s daily activities.  Just an observation.  Annnyyyhoooo….

Emily makes small talk and we realize that her grueling luxury brand schedule has made her a bit hoarse.  She bravely pushes on in spite of the pain by spouting off more facts from her ABC prep packet as Sean wisely demonstrates that, unlike Kalon, it is not absolutely necessary to hear himself talk.  The guy’s approach was subtle, yet I have to admit, effective. 

Even when Emily went with the usual 20-something scare away line, "I want a lot of kids," Sean didn’t flinch.  "How many kids does he want?"  We don't know, but she certainly wants a bunch.   I could literally see her ovulating from across the ocean.  Look, I’ve made no secret that I think Emily is hot.  However, she clearly has a biological clock ticking loudly in her ear like that guilty guy from Poe’s The Telltale Heart.  I have my own opinions about that.  Perhaps that’s an off-season post.  I was happy how Sean handled it, though.  Emily appeared happy too.  That fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her s*it when she got booted for banging (allegedly) a producer was sad because he didn’t get to step out of the darkness in his guillotine executioner costume and scare the hell out of Sean.  He was too busy wondering if, like William the Conqueror in 1066, he’d get a chance to storm Emily’s castle.  Hell, she looked like she wanted to see the Crown Jewels. 

Ahh, English humor.      

Sean proves himself to be the anti-Ryan and Emily seemed more receptive than a pack of middle-aged housewives to a Chris Harrison Pool Party invitation.   All we needed was for The Band Train to show up (remember that?)   Sean masterfully illustrates the maxim “When you get to the end zone, act like you've been there.”  Nice work, Sean.  He gets some kisses and a rose.  Like Jef, he’s not “working” Emily and she clearly responds to subtle ass-kissing rather than blatant flattery.  Sean, of course, was just being himself.  That may seem elementary; however, I think we’d all agree that more often than not on this show, that tends to get lost.  

The Group Date Card arrives.  "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 

Let me pause for a moment.

That quote is perhaps one of the most famous quotes in all of any written or spoken genre and was written by the most famous author of the Western world and beyond.  Not knowing that quote is like not knowing that Tiger Woods plays golf.  Hell, it’s worse than that.  In our world, it’s like not knowing that Chris Harrison hosts this show.  Any person with any semblance of an education has been exposed to it.  Period.  Top that off with the fact that they were in England—the birthplace of that famous author—and I have to agree with Kalon’s assessment of the bunch as "macho dumbasses" when they all failed to recognize a Shakespeare quote in England.  He actually deserves credit for that one.  They apparently teach English Lit at SMU.

Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, John, Travis,  and Kalon, who acts like the spoiled brat he is when he doesn't get his way, get the Group Date.  In spite of Nate’s absence, Jef does a bit of math and realizes that he’s drawn the big one-on-one.   

Group date takes place in Stratford on Avon, the birthplace of Shakespeare.  In a feeble attempt to perhaps bond with Emily Ryan inexplicably wears a scarf.  They find out that they’ll be acting out “portions” of Romeo & Juliet for a local crowd.  Good Lord, I thought.  Having this bunch come to Stratford on Avon and act out Romeo & Juliet is like having the Queen of England come to a union hall in Jersey and give a Hoffa speech. 

Arie proves that he is apparently functionally illiterate.  Travis doesn’t do any favors for the struggling Mississippi public education system when he uses the word "menstruals" instead of "minstrels".  All the while Alejandro sat there in his diamond studs drawing on his limited but valuable experience from the time he was the understudy for the part of  Bernardo in Bogata Junior High School’s Summer production of West Side Story in the park. 

 

 

Kalon is hard core, as usual.  He actually shooed Emily away.  She correctly wondered aloud, "I don't know who he thinks he is."  She should have used “get the f*ck out” right then.    

 

 

Doug drops the most ironic line of the night, telling the camera,  "I don't want to sound like an idiot...especially in front of an audience."  Too late, Doug.  There’s been an audience of about 8 million people who think you’re an idiot for the last five weeks.  He clearly needed a hug. 

 

 

People from West Virginia should probably not perform Shakespeare without taking diction lessons beforehand.  I’m just saying.  The only thing this segment had in common with the actual Romeo & Juliet is that, it too, was a huge tragedy. 

 

 

Arie, forced to take a female role, laments the fact that he's "not a thesbian."  I believe he meant "thespian" but dressed like a woman, he sure as hell looked like a thesbian.  If he had 8 more thesbians with him he could form a softball team.  It’s doubtful those thesbians would have to worry about menstruals either.  What do you get when you cross a bike and tampon?  A menstrual cycle.  I'll be here all week.

 

Travis calls Ryan a "sapsucker."  Who is he, Yosemite Sam?  I felt like breaking an ostrich egg over his head.  Confession:  I fast forwarded.      

 

The cocktail party—oddly enough—takes place at Cox's Yard.  Hell, this whole show takes place there.  I wondered aloud if this was actually a “Cock Tail Party.”  It’s amazing what a touch of the “space” button can do, isn’t it?    

 

Emily looked stunning in her short, white number.  They have beers in the pub.  No lights again?  What’s the deal this season?  I was beginning to wonder if Emily either had a pimple or was afflicted with photophobia.  Either way, it’s been awfully dark this season.    

 

Arie snuggles and goes to his backup "I missed you."   Then Emily has alone time with Ryan and his vest.  I prayed she had her rape whistle.  Of course, this is all window dressing.  “Let’s get the f*ck on with it,” I said, drinking my own beer. 

 

 

Kalon sulks and the real Kalon comes out.  Arie and Chris talk it out.  Kalon’s “Ricki is baggage” comment spreads like scurvy on an English vessel as the guys "right reasons" each other.  Doug wants to kill him.  Doug tattles.   She's understandably pissed.  She tries be a lady.  Doug shares some of the safety words he learned in Anger Management training as his ex-wife and her friends simultaneously spit up their chardonnay before bursting into hysterics.  Austin remained in his room alone throwing his baseball into the thin, lonely air surrounding him.    

 

Emily goes all Doug saying, "I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them."  So much for being a lady.  Emily loses the jacket like Olivia Newton John in the closing scenes of Grease and confronts Kalon.  Kalon stutters like the pus*y he is.  Eventually, Kalon gets the f*ck out. She removes herself.  He hits the road.  

 

Emily retreats to spend time with Little Ricki.  Oblivious, Ricki wonders why her hotel room is so small and understated as compared to her room in her free house in Charlotte.  Emily is clearly rattled.  This is the part that sucks about being on the show.  We’ve seen everyone—most recently Ben—learn that lesson the hard way.  At least she didn’t curl up in her sheets and hide her head from the camera like some hormonally charged ostrich like Ashley or sob uncontrollably from a balcony like Jake or Mesnick.  She took the time to collect herself, probably had a long shower full of perspective-bringing thoughts, and suited up for her one-on-one with Jay Eee Ef.    

Poor Jef unwittingly inherits the real baggage of the evening but is perceptive enough to lead with a simple compliment and a hug.  He’s in a good position if he plays his cards right, I thought.  He's not a meathead and that's exactly what she needed after the baggage fiasco.  Unfortunately, his gratification will be delayed by a bucktoothed etiquette teacher.  It’s a shame Kalon left so soon.  This sort of garbage would be right up his alley.  A clearly miserable Emily and a mildly annoyed Jef suffer through the “proper” way to do things.  I don't think it works this way in West Virginia or at Jef’s water company.  They hit the Bell and the Crown Pub for some beer and fish and chips.  Now we’re talking.

Jef broaches the Kalon subject and confirms that he sort of told Kalon off in a round about way.  Emily drops the Bachelorette act and says some things that would make Jean, the bucktoothed etiquette teacher spit out her dentures.  That was hot, by the way.  Jef makes some solid luxury brand jokes comparing Ricki to a luxury handbag.  She digs him.  Fast forward to a dinner date where he talked WAY too much and me screaming “Kiss Her, Dude!” at the screen over whatever nonsense he was spouting, Jef did well.  He ended with a kiss and a rose.  I think I speak for most of us when I say that I was proud of him. 

Cocktail party.  Emily calls guys to the carpet for not ratting out Kalon but forgives and forgets.  It's good to bury the hatchet . . . as long as you don't forget where it's buried.  The entire Ricki is baggage comment and the surrounding fallout is immediately dubbed  "The Kalon Situation."

Emily busts everyone’s balls collectively and separately--a lot—about not “having her back.”  Frankly, I think they’re all more interested in her front, but that’s another post.  She made her point clear . . . over and over again. “ For never was there a segment of more woe/Than this which Emily could not let go.”    

Ryan pulls a balcony stunt and then demonstrates what a complete chach he is by speaking in clichés.  Oddly enough, Emily pretended to buy it.  I recalled the time that I was drunk in front of my television at 3am (well, ONE time) and I was almost lulled into picking up the phone and buying Tae Bo.  If you blanket someone with an idea enough times, it will eventually have an effect.  Ryan has been putting the press on Emily with the same line of crap for weeks now and she appeared to buy some of it in her weakened mental state.  Let’s PRAY that this a-hole doesn’t make the Fantasy Suite.  Unlike the one reader who thinks he’s a “hoot,” I can’t stand him.   

Harrison finally gets the f*ck in and pulls out the Ubiquitous Champagne Glass and Butter Knife.  Wolf sports red pants harkening back to Ames’s masterful presentation last season.  He’s no Ames.  Harrison redraws the line in the sand and we’re off. 

Rose Ceremony

1.         Sean

2.         Jef

3.         Doug

4.         Ryan

5.         Chris

6.         John

7.         Travis  

8.         Arie

Gone.

1.         Kalon

2.         Alejandro (Adios y vaya con dios.  Buen intento, amigo)

Well, there we have it.  With that Amazing count at 35 and the Journey count at 8 we head to Croatia for the top 8.  Thanks for your patience this week.  Until next week, please take care of yourselves.  If you need me, I’ll be getting the f*ck out.   DP

Bachelorette Episode 4: Ryan Loves Doug

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Emily Episode 3: Emily's Pole Position

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to the next installment of Emily’s overly optimistic search for a normal guy with no significant issues.  Monday’s episode featured some Bachelorette franchise staples such as poor dancing, roller coaster riding, office building wall climbing and subsequent metaphoring, and emasculated men crying—albeit in an alley rather than atop balcony.  It also explored some new territory, including but not limited to steroid enraged monchichis, a new take on feminine attire for men, abject early-season ball busting, and a couple of guys unwittingly eliminating themselves from the hunt. All in all, Emily maintained her composure fairly well and I managed to make it through without consuming additional Lone Star Beer.  I know you’re anxious for the breakdown.  Let’s get to it.   

We begin with a shot of Emily’s free horse and end up in Emily’s free house where her mother brings her a free breakfast in her free bed in her free bedroom as Little Ricki embodies our collective disdain for the situation by remaining outside the prying eye of the camera.  Emily’s mother proves she’s been smoking for the better part of her life by highlighting the sandpaper in her vocal chords and talking Emily about the upcoming day.

In the meantime, the men sit around the MAN-sion in feminine t-shirts watching the veins in Ryan’s neck slowly begin to swell like the small fissures in the Earth’s crust near Pompeii a few hours before Mt. Vesuvius erupted.  We’ll get to him and his Hulk-like transformation later in the post.  It’s amazing how much the Hulk’s hairdo looks likes a Monchichi’s hairdo, isn’t it?

  

Perhaps paying his own silent tribute to the troops on Memorial Day, Harrison appears in some sort of odd pseudo military jacket thing and announces the rules we all know prior to dropping the date card we all expect and hightailing it off the grounds to make his tee time with the governor.   

Stage fright Charlie ignores his well-documented fears of reading aloud and being in front of an audience and reads aloud in front of an audience.  "Love is a steady climb,” the Date Card reads and Chucklehead Chris is thrilled to get the big date. 

Incidentally, I hope all of you appreciate the irony that Charlie is the first contestant in Bachelor history who actually avoids balconies rather than seeking them out in order to cry off of them.   If only one of Jake’s balconies would have been built by the same subcontractor that built Charlie’s friend’s balcony I wouldn’t have had to endure seeing that A-hole intermittently prance around my television screen for the past two years pretending to be a pilot. 

Chucklehead packs his bags, proclaims that it’s his “time to shine,” and heads out to meet Emily and her Motorcycle tank top in downtown Charlotte.  They “so excited” each other before strolling “aimlessly” toward some place called “Mint.”  I’ll skip over this portion of the date except to say that if you’re really enthralled with what Some Guy might write about this sort of thing, just open up any of my previous posts in any other season where this exact date has taken place with the exception of the location. 

The best and most Fifty Shades of Grey-esque line was inadvertently uttered by Chris when he noted that Emily “looks unbelievable in a harness.”  Amen, Chucklehead.  Amen.  They climb the wall, high five, and head to dinner while the guy with the boom mike sits there questioning his career choice and praying that the lightening storm moving through downtown won’t find the end of that long metal pole he has to hold in order to capture meaningless conversation.  You could almost hear “Dear Lord, please don’t let me go out like this,” coming from the inside of his cranium. 

After some small talk, Chris proves he’s certainly one of the more mature guys in the house in addition to reassuring Emily that despite being 25, he’s aware of what he’s signing up for—a “package deal.”  Frankly, I was impressed with the way he handled the situation and I’m not so sure that Emily wouldn’t do well to get a guy his age with a desire to commit rather than chasing down another 40 year old boy like Womack with severe commitment and self-involvement issues.

That’s not a judgment on 40 year old single guys.  My point is that 40 year old single guys are usually single that long for a reason.  I understand Emily’s attraction to an “older guy,” but younger might be the way to go for her.  I’m just sayin’.  Of course, this logic doesn’t apply to certain well-established, handsome, athletic, and charming attorneys in Austin, Texas who may or may not be interested in her.  Annnnyyyhoooo . . .

After dinner, they stroll “aimlessly” again and happen upon a Luke Bryan concert.  In light of the impending appearance by Dolly Parton—one of the most prolific songwriters in music history and one of the best pure singers to ever grace a stage—I think it’s an appropriate time to differentiate “pop country” from real “country.”  Luke Bryan—in a word—sucks.  There’s like 50 of that guy on the radio right now.  He performs both of his songs about speakers going boom boom while invoking every redneck stereotype imaginable as Chris bears the fruits of his labor by attempting to dance with Emily, eventually getting permission to kiss her.  Eventually, the velvet ropes are lifted and the adoring crowd of locals is allowed to enter the dance floor after being given strict “don’t’ touch the talent or you’ll deal with the full wrath of ABC” instructions.  Nice work, Chucklehead.  Nice work. 

Back at the MAN-sion, Tony the Lumber Guy breaks the rules by using a cell phone to call his kid and Jef manages to find the Group Date Card in the absence of a doorbell ring.  He wasn’t about to give up, let anyone down, run around, or hurt anyone.  He wasn’t going to make them cry, say goodbye, or desert them. 

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, Wolf, Micheal, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis get the "Let's play. . . " Date Card and we begin to see the set up for Tony’s epic meltdown unfold.    

After seeing the canned flying geese footage for the third time in three episodes, we see the standard striped shirt, baggy shorts, Reservoir Dogs-esque chump walk toward a football-bearing Emily in the park.  Ryan’s veins subside for a bit at the thought of hearkening back to his football days as he still remains under the impression that commitment minded women view physical prowess and aggressive behavior as the top two qualifications in a husband. No one has the heart to tell him that only sluts do that.   

Ryan opts for the black t-shirt like Linus from Peanuts opts for his blanket.   Beefy Doug and Sean lay back choosing to survey the battlefield rather than jumping into the fray of swinging dongs vying for Emily’s attention.  Doug also goes black t-shirt—although it appeared that he washed the thing in hot water—as an effective cancellation of Ryan’s black t-shirt.  Ryan pretends not to notice. 

By the way, if that little coincidence happened to the women on the Bachelor, one of them would cry an the other one would have to go home and change while the other women comforted the crier insisting that she bought the outfit first and that it looked better on her. 

Jef laments his puffed up hair and lack of a puffed up chest.  The guy literally looked like he was 10 years old on the playground minus the Astley hair.  Emily meets her less-attractive, yet fiercely loyal frumpy mom friends and lets them know they’ll be screening the men.  Two of them appear mildly amused and ready to have a bit of fun with the exercise while the one we will come to know as “Wendy” froths at the mouth relishing the opportunity to demean multiple members of the male gender.  Let the ball busting begin. 

Emily breaks the news to the guys and Alejandro immediately regrets the pink v-neck and diamond stud earrings. 

Let me summarize this little exercise.  Push ups, dancing, and monkey tricks seem to be the ultimate test for a qualified husband according to Wendy.  I'm sure some of you were laughing at this segment, but the man-hater had me pissed.  I'm sure her emasculated husband was at home doing whatever his handwritten list told him to do (and ultimately would be done “wrong” in Wendy’s eyes) in addition to watching their child while she attempted to castrate some more men.  She was unnecessarily condescending and I have to say that I would have told her to head back to her house and boss her own husband around rather than jump through whatever hoop met her fancy. 

Think I’m overreacting?  Just reverse the tables.  You think that segment would ever happen on the Bachelor?  Picture a group of men getting a hold of 25 nubile, anxious to please bachelorettes in the park and being given a license to ask them questions like that. 

Touch your elbows behind your back

Can you stand and hold your breath while your head is between your legs?

Do you put out on a first date?

What are you willing to do in the Fantasy Suite?

Do you have hot friends for us? 

The list goes on.  Bottom line is that I didn’t find that bit “fun” or “playful.”  Wendy took a little too much pleasure in her ball busting role.  Thankfully, a group of kids shows up and we all pray that the men have been properly screened through the North Carolina Sex Offender Database in addition to that fat guy with the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t.  No surprise, the dads do well and guys like Alejandro half-ass it while trying not to mess up their Armani Exchange t-shirts. 

Ryan gives up on the kids and comes and talks to the girls.  Wendy continues to be a pig, but Ryan one ups her by telling Emily “if you got fat, I'd love you just not on you.”  Nice, douchebag.  Look, we all know that we don’t want our significant other to balloon up like Elvis in 1977, but that’s not something you lead with during the nascent stages of a courtship.  Perhaps the Gamma Rays coursing through his bloodstream clouded his judgment.  We wouldn’t like him when he’s angry….

Emily removes her “mom clothes”—if only every mom dressed like that—in favor of a gold mini-skirt and a silk top.  We head for the VIP lounge at Butter Night Club where she makes a toast before sipping on a Michelle Money sized glass of Chardonnay.  She talks to Sean.  He hasn't dated in over a year and gives her the "my parents are in love," "my family," "my future," “my faith” speech being sure to include everything she likes. 

Note to single women:  Sean is probably a nice guy.  He seems sincere.  However, that little “my life is perfect and I haven’t dated in a year because of it” speech is a red flag.  That usually translates into “you will never meet my expectations” or “I’m a secret homosexual and I can’t tell my parents” situation.  Let’s hope I’m wrong in this case. 

She next meets with Beefy I-Love-to-Hug Doug who kisses her ass and tells her what she wants to hear.  I don't trust him for some reason.  At this point I can't really put my finger on why, but something isn’t right.  He brings tears to Emily’s eyes with his my mom left my epileptic dad and we had to go to foster care story.  For a second, I thought he was recapping the Broadway play Annie.  I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background.  Harrison would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks.     

Tony appears wearing a ridiculous sweater that Kalon loaned him.  I wondered if it was a luxury brand sweater.  It appeared fancy enough to be a luxury brand sweater but only a luxury brand consultant would likely be able to know for sure.    

Back at the Mansion Kalon, Arie, Nate, and Chris talk about nothing before Arie gets the   "Love is a wild ride" Date Card.  Kalon sweats in his luxury brand glasses.

Tony melts down like Pavelka on a balcony and Emily sends him packing.  I think we’d all agree that little chain of events was what we call a Win-Win.  Tony was clearly never in the running and he knew it.  Emily knew it too and had the decency to see the open door and allow him to walk through it.  Tony seemed nice enough, albeit a tad whiny.  I hope his kid was as excited to see him as he was to get home.  Ironically, I think Tony learned more about his priorities than if he’d stuck around “looking for love” or whatever.   Sean gets the date rose and, let’s face it, he earned it.  Ryan’s blood pressure begins to rise despite his attempt to display confidence in the presence of a threat.  That’s classic Alpha Male behavior, Ryan.  Emily is likely smart enough to see that. 

Let me just preface the Arie date by saying that I love the fact that Emily is choosing places that hold deep childhood memories as locations for her dates.  We’ve seen a small piece of this in the past but usually have to wait until home towns to do it.  However, I’ve said before that I’m a big believer that a person cannot truly know another person until he’s been to where she grew up as a child.  This is particularly true in the case of a small town girl.  Unlike Joe, Arie turned out to be perfect for this type of date.

We head to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  For those of you who have never been, Dollywood is exactly what you’d imagine.  It’s a cross between Branson, Missouri and a Shreveport, Louisiana Casino.  It’s like the Dukes of Hazard meets Dynasty.  Like Emily, I happen to be a huge Dolly Parton fan.  I realize that most of you reading this associate her with her giant boobs, giant wigs, and know she’s the woman who wrote that “Bodyguard song that Whitney Houston sings,” but there’s a lot more to the story. 

Dolly Parton has written over 3,000 songs, plays 15 instruments, and gives a ton of money and time to charity without stepping in front of a television camera every time she does it.  She was given her start by a guy named Porter Wagner and she never forgot it.  After years of struggling and finally making it big, Dolly purchased Porter Wagner’s entire song catalog from the record company that owned it and gave it to him on his birthday just a few years before he died.  She’s a walking stereotype, but she happens to be a decent person.  I think we’d all agree that many people in her shoes (or boots) don’t remain that way.  Back to Emily.     

Dolly shows up and Emily is floored.  Say what you want about that, but that's like me meeting Elvis or any of you meeting your childhood hero.  I once got a close friend of mine back stage at a Rockabilly festival to meet Jerry Lee Lewis, his childhood hero.  I literally watched a grown man turn back into boy when he met him.  That was a pretty cool moment and I’ll never forget it.  Not many of us get that opportunity and it was nice to see Emily appreciate it.  Arie did a great job of simply standing back and letting her enjoy her moment.    

A dinner Arie scores a ton more points with the I lived with a woman and loved her kids story.  He’ll make the Fantasy Suite unless the wheels come off the Formula One car.  He might not even need a pit stop.  I’ve said before that the key to understanding another person is not doing big things but constantly being aware of the small things they say in subconscious moments and then acting on them. 

Emily uttered, "I feel like I don't have a lot of talents but I am a good mom.”  Notwithstanding the fact that I think Emily has many “talents,” that statement says a lot about her and it explains volumes about who she is as a person.  I think we’ll all get a big dose of Emily as a protective mother as the season progresses.  She’s insecure but sees redemption of all of her faults in her role as a mother raising her daughter.  She defines herself through her child.  Any guy who doesn’t latch on to that and respect it is going to be sent packing.  Indeed, any guy who ignores it will likely get hit by flames coming from her mouth.   

Arie earns the rose and Emily heads home to powder her nose for the cocktail party.  Kalon also powders his nose and lets us know that he’s borrowed the Canadian teacher's lesbian glasses.  He’s such a self-important, pretentious prick, isn’t he?  Ryan throws a gray jacket and slacks over his (surprise) black v-neck and the guys head to the cocktail party. 

Kalon and his lack of socks get some time with Emily.  “I never had to share much in my life,” he tells Emily.  Translation:  I’m a spoiled asshole.  He then makes a classic Patrick Bateman from American Psycho mistake telling Emily, "I love it when you talk but I'd wish you'd let me finish."  The difference is that Emily is not a paid prostitute in Patrick Bateman’s penthouse.  She drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending."  Amen.  Frankly, I couldn't have said it much better.  I've made no secret about the fact that I hate this guy.  That's a pretty strong word considering what I do here each week, but I believe this is one of the few times where it actually fits.  My biggest disappointment is that Kalon and Stevie won’t get to have a Blaine vs. Ducky type conflict now that Stevie popped and locked himself off the show.  Sigh….

 

Travis and his stupid egg are up next.  That stunt fell flatter than Jeff’s mask a couple of seasons ago.  At least he didn’t swim with it.  I know this is episode 3 but this whole bit was old 4 weeks ago.  They FINALLY get rid of the egg.  I’m inclined to believe that as Shelly the Egg went, so will Travis. 

Emily has a compulsory one on one with Allesandro who looks like he's spent entirely too much time at the pool and not enough time in hair and makeup.  Look, I know English is his second language but the word "compromise" was not a wise choice when he's discussing the person who has been billed as the Alpha and Omega of Emily's life with the person who did the billing.  He talks himself out of step-fatherhood.  Muy malo, Allesandro.  Adios, Pendejo. 

Emily seeks comfort and sips a whiskey sour with Arie.  Could he have been any more brilliant in that moment?  Comforting, kissing, empathizing, listening.  Very nice work, Arie.  I believe you just earned a legitimate shot at the pole position.  Sean gets a kiss to prove that he’s still in the running, but I think Arie ruled the day.    

Harrison shows up in a purple oxford with the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife.  Ryan completes his transformation from nice, first-date, Georgia guy who works with kids to big, meaty, alpha male, jealous guy with underlying anger issues.  His ridiculous facial hair looked like that guy who ran the Hunger Games then had to eat the poison berries and kill himself after Catniss and the baker’s son outsmarted whoever they outsmarted.  He refers to Arie as "a dainty man."  Whatever lets you sleep at night, no neck.  Arie’s fitted Formula One jumpsuit looks a lot better on him than your old football jersey does on you these days.  The guy went from guaranteed crotch to bona fide chach inside of one episode.  I haven’t seen a meltdown like that in a long time. 

Roses are handed out and it goes down as follows:    

Rose Ceremony.

1.         Arie

2.         Sean

3.         Jef

4.         Charlie

5.         Doug (no hug)

6.         Michael (huh?)

7.         Travis

8.         Alejandro

9.         Ryan

10.       Wolf

11.       Kalon (weak)

12.       Nate

Gone.

1.         Tony

2.         Stevie

3.         Allesandro

Well, there you have it.  With the Amazing count at a steady 17 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6, we head into week four.  Take care of yourselves and thanks for reading and commenting.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be angrily ironing my black v-neck t-shirts after washing them in hot water.  DP