Who's Down with B.I.P.?

Hello Listeners (nee Readers),

Exciting changes have occurred.  My good friend and fellow blogger, Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray has successfully launched her I Hate Green Beans Podcast which can be linked from her website or via iTunes.  I've been honored to be a guest on several of the episodes, but please, don't limit your listening enjoyment to me.  

We've worked out a few kinks, polished up our "Ummms," "Uhhhs," and we're focusing on our non-regional diction so y'all can understand us.  It's not perfect (yet), but Lincee deserves huge congratulations for entering a new medium and figuring out how to edit, post, and entertain all at the same time.  

In the latest episode, we chronicle Part 1 of Episode 1 of this season's Bachelor in Paradise.  It's posted now.  ENJOY and comment below and on Twitter.  At this point, any suggestions on content, making the show better, or simply just a note to say hello are all welcome.  

For those of you wondering, yes, I'll be launching my own non-Bachelor Podcast in the near future.  I, too, have some kinks that need to be worked out first.  More to come on that, but first, enjoy Part 1 of Episode 1 and look out for Part 2 in the very near future.  Congrats, Lincee.  I'm proud of you.  

DP

Howdy Folks! BACHELORETTE PODCAST ANYONE?

Hello (former) Readers.  I know, it's been a tough ride for all of you this season without my clever observations about this season.  What gives, you ask?  Work.  That's what.  As much as I miss writing  and interacting with all of you, the bills have to get paid around SGIA's house and when I'm not on an airplane sometimes I get to enjoy that house.  

Never fear, however.  As most of you know www.ihategreenbeans.com Lincee Ray has started her own podcast.  You can hear the both of us break down this season's episodes live and in person (sort of) by logging on to her site and clicking on the link.  

I'll post as soon as I can get above the fray here in Austin.  Just because I'm not here doesn't mean I don't want to be.  Take care of yourselves and let me know what you think about the podcasts.  

We'll talk soon.  DP

SGIA LIVES

Well HELLO, Readers (those of you who are left).  Let me say a few things about the past few weeks before I get to my well-reasoned explanation for not taking time out to write about the past couple of Bachelor episodes.  

First off, I'm fine.  THANK YOU so much to those of you who posted "where are you" and "how are you" and "I'm starting to worry about you" messages in my email and social media pages.  Frankly, I am humbled and flattered that my absence from what to me, at times, seems like such a meaningless endeavor could actually compel some of you to check on my well-being.  Thank you again.  I sincerely apologize if any of you wasted even a moment of your precious time being even remotely concerned about me.  

Second, I have to confess that I have not watched the past two episodes, nor have I taken the time to find out what happened.  With the exception of a very brief conversation with my dear friend, Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray--who also received inquiries about my aforementioned well-being--I have no clue as to where we stand.  

Granted, Fleiss let the cat out of the bag when he prematurely announced Rachel as our next Bachelorette before she was (presumably) defiled by Nick (No. 6 in the Defiled by Nick on National Television Fan Club, by the way) in the Fantasy Suite prior to being sent home. So my assumption is that Raven and Vanessa are the last women standing.  I'll catch up.  I just don't know when. 

Third, for those of you who have been reading this blog (Bachelor and non-Bachelor content) for some time now, you're undoubtedly familiar with my love of Bigfoot; a love, by the way, that predates any of the ridiculous "documentaries" currently posing as entertainment on various networks across the cable spectrum.  

I actually watch Finding Bigfoot.  I watch not because I actually believe that a bi-pedal hominid is going to come waltzing out of the woods in front of the camera, but because I am literally fascinated by the utter lack of rationalism and objectivity required by the scientific method demonstrated on the show in addition to the presupposed, unilateral conclusion that "Bigfoots" (yes, plural) are omnipresent before any of the "evidence" is gathered.  They might as well be looking for the Easter Bunny or Easter Bunnies as it were.  

As I see it, there are really only two logical possibilities that a person can draw from watching that show.  Either Bigfoot, as elusive as he is regarded to be, does not exist or he has a severe aversion to fat white men and lesbians.  

That show would more aptly be titled Not Finding Bigfoot.  Regardless, I read that the four "investigators" on that show just signed multi-year, seven figure deals--each--to continue to not find Bigfoot in some of the most pristine wilderness sites across the world.  

I, as the saying goes, am in the wrong business.  

SGIA Captured in Northern California circa March 2017

Unlike Bigfoot, I don't have multiple groups of middle-aged men hiking around Northern California howling into the darkness and hitting trees with sticks looking for me in an effort to find fame and fortune while fighting off the inevitable onset of Type-2 Diabetes.  Ergo, my own elusiveness as of late.

Frankly, if anyone wants to find me he should just place a six pack of cold Lone Star bottles with my name on it at the front door of any Austin honky tonk and retire to the bushes with a dart gun.  I'd be stuffed and on display inside of a week.  

As most of you also know, I am an attorney by day and those responsibilities, as of late, have grown like the Venus Flytrap in Little Shop of Horrors.  Just to give you an idea of what my life has been like over the past 11 days.  My schedule is listed below. 

• March 1.  Fly to central Florida for a deposition then fly back to Austin on the same day. 

• March 2.  Fly to southern California for several depositions and client meetings.  

• March 3.  Fly home on morning red eye for court in Austin that afternoon

• March 6.  Fly to northern California for a hearing in Federal Court and client meetings before and after it.  

• March 7 Redeye home for a hearing in Austin in the AM then hop a flight to Houston for a hearing in the afternoon.  Fly back to Austin that night.

• March 8 Status conference via phone (thank God) for Houston case.

• March 9-10  Federal brief and state pleadings drafted in addition to supplementation of discovery in 4 cases with pending depositions and hearings in March.  

I'm also traveling the 13th and 14th, 19th-23rd, and 27th and 28th of March.  Oh yea, none of that takes in to account the amount of preparation (reading, writing, meeting, researching  etc.) and I have personal stuff to attend to as well.  

You get the picture.  Sorry I haven't written.  For what it's worth, the blog isn't the only thing on hold.  Overall, I am blessed to have a busy practice and a lot of work to translate into the one thing that makes the world go around.  

Stressful?  Yes.  Fun?  Not really.  Perspective is gained and lost depending on one's proximity to the stresses of life. (un)Fortunately, I've been in cycle after cycle of this type during my career.  It will slow down . . . eventually.   

Oh, listen to me.  I've gotten so wound up in my own trivialities and solipsism that I haven't yet focused on what is really important here.  I hope that Nick finds true happiness after sleeping with Raven and Vanessa  . . . and Kaitlyn, and Andi, and Amanda, and Rachel . . . .

Thanks again for caring.  Your messages mean a lot.  If you care, my money is on Vanessa next week.  Frankly, I think Nick would prefer a geographically close Canadian with a boisterous family who drink like fish to a conservative, Bible belt Southern Girl from small town Arkansas.  I would have chosen differently, but let's hope it all works out.  

Love you.  Mean it. 

Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be about 38,000 feet over your heads.  DP

Bachelor Nick Episode 6: A Real Beach Fest

Hello, Readers.  Well, it’s week 6 but it sure feels a hell of a lot like weeks 1-5, doesn’t it?  Aside from Nick crying more than little girl on the playground with a scraped knee the season has been rather uneventful.  I suppose it’s a good thing that Nick hasn’t (yet) defiled anyone (as far as we know), but that might change next week if Corinne and her (allegedly) platinum “vagine” have anything to say about it.  Good Lord.  This is what passes for entertainment these days. 

Fresh off last week’s highbrow lecture about “emotional intelligence” Taylor literally and figuratively heads out in a bit of a different direction.  You’ll recall she was left to the mercy of a chanting voodoo tribe after being dumped like a load of hot mulch in the swamp when Nick chose Corinne over her on the dreaded two-on-one date.  “It’s “absolute bullshit that I’m going home,” she whines as she walks through the woods to the heretofore unannounced location of Nick and Corinne’s dinner. 

“Absolute bullshit.”  Man, you have to love a lady.  By the way, did anyone else wonder how she knew where to go?  Maybe the tarot card lady told her or maybe the Queen of Cups foretold the dinner location?  I didn’t see a compass.     

Regardless, Taylor shows up braless and fresh off the voodoo ritual to cock block Corinne at the victory dinner.  “What the f*ck is she doing here,” wonders Corinne aloud.  Again, you have to love a lady.  

Look, I’m no puritan and Lord knows I have a foul mouth but both of these women could use a few etiquette lessons from Henry Freaking Higgins.  I was going to say from Emily Post but I read her book recently and she lost all credibility in my eyes.  An entire book on manners and there’s not one chapter on farting. 

Back to Nick.   

Nick looked so over it he could barely prevent himself from rolling his eyes and sighing.  Corinne occupies herself as she always does:  by pounding flutes of free champagne.  Taylor takes him outside for . . . well, I’m not sure why she took him outside.  

As Whitney would find out later in the show, Nick’s decision was made the first time he told her to go home and the answer, not surprisingly, was still “no” when she wandered back from the malaria infested swamp seeking redemption.  She confirmed what we were all thinking last week:  that she’s hardly emotionally intelligent. 

Boooorrrriiinnggggg.    

Let’s face it, Nick deserved a little taste of the medicine he’s been doling out on the past 4 reality shows but we certainly didn’t.  Taylor didn’t do herself any favors and eventually wanders off camera to begin filling out her Bachelor in Paradise application.   Corinne barely manages to keep it cool but can’t resist a “what happened” when Nick sits back down.  Corinne gloats.  Why not?  She earned it.    

The girls get a carriage ride to the Rose Ceremony after getting more dressed up than a sore finger.  Sternums abound.  I haven’t seen so much exposed sternum since my last Hasselhoff concert.  I immediately lamented turning down an opportunity to invest in double-sided boob tape a few years ago.  They must have that stuff by the case laying around the mansion.   

Jaimi opines that every night is “im-poor-int”.  Apparently not im-poor-int enough for a cocktail party. Harrison shows up to announce that Nick knows what he wants.  Translation:  This show has a limited amount of time and a lot of dates to pack in.  No drinks.    

Roses

Corinne

Rachel

Kristina

Raven

Vanessa

Danielle L.

Jasmine

Whitney

Danielle M.

  

Gone

Josephine

Alexis (time to dry clean the dolphin/shark suit)

Jaimi (dumped in her home town)

The remaining bunch is headed to St. Thomas. 

Vistas of St. Thomas via sea plane followed by vistas of Nick’s junk in his short shorts, tank top, and bright white tennis shoes.  He was dressed like a 12 year old girl on her first day at cheer camp. 

The girls go with denim shorts and loose fitting tops and we learn that not unlike every other post-continental U.S. location in Bachelor history, St. Thomas is indeed the “perfect place to fall in love.”  

The sea plane pulls a Maverick and buzzes the tower.  I was looking for Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villachaize to waive it into the dock.  Dressed like a 12 year old girl on her second day of cheer camp, Nick shows up in  pastel short shorts, white shoes, and a tank top.  The only thing he was missing was a matching bow and a set of pompoms.  

Kristina immediately gets the one-on-one and Jasmine melts down on the dock and complains as he ferries Kristina away in the sea plane. 

Nick heads to the Annaberg Ruins with Kristina for beers and the most horrific broken family story we’ve ever heard on this show.  How freaking sad was that?  Eating lipstick, getting kicked out of the house at 6 years old by her mother, living in a Russian orphanage, being forced to go to America and leave her sister behind.  It went on and on. 

Props to her for not breaking that out at the first cocktail party.  She seemed reluctant to “use” it and that made it all the more credible and, frankly, a lot sadder.  I had visions of Oliver asking for more porridge rather than Little Orphan Annie jumping playfully from bed to bed with the other orphans.  

Her childhood was straight out of a Dostoyevsky novel.  That explains why she hasn’t bitched about living in the house with 26 other women all of this time.  She gets a rose.  Frankly, I can’t think of a Date Rose that was more well-deserved than that one.        

Corinne—whose roughest moment in life likely occurred when she was forced to eat caviar without her favorite crackers--is going to drink champagne rather than pout all day.  Good for her.  Lorna, the local nanny, is there to assist her in everything she needs.  That producer stunt fell flat.  I think I speak for us all when I say I’m sick of Corinne.  We get it.  She’s a millennial brat.  Move on.    

Group Date.  Love’s a beach.  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Jasmine, Danielle M.   

I think we’d all agree that this date was as painful to watch as it was to be on.  In light of that, I’ll paraphrase. 

Catamaran ride.  Bikini time.  Raven has her Taylor Swift bikini on.  Poor choice.    

Corinne is drunk . . . again. 

Rachel and Jasmine melt down.  They’re all drunk and demeaned.  They all quit and go sulk.  You know they all skimped on breakfast because it was a bikini date.  Top off low blood sugar with the booze and the 3 hours worth of producer-mandated volleyball and it’s time to sulk.  Poor Nick.

Nick backtracks with each girl at the dinner party.  Jasmine snaps, and I mean snaps.  As our current President would put it, she snapped big league.     

In what would prove to be a foreboding comment, Danielle L. tells us that she “doesn’t know where Nick’s head is at.”  We, of course, do know where: his ass. 

Rachel sees the Jasmine writing on the wall and cringes as Jasmine crosses from a calm, rational women into a ranting lunatic at warp speed.  Don’t get me wrong, being honest is good but incessant complaining and talking over Nick while he at least attempts to empathize is not. 

I actually yelled at the TV “let him talk” during her alone time with him.  She fumbled well before she got into the red zone.  And then the cherry on the sundae:  “I want to choke you so bad,” actually slips out.  He did everything he could to not run away in fear.  He sent her home instead.  Epic.  

She literally talked herself off the show.  Still oblivious, Jasmine actually gave him a bitter “good luck, dude” on the way out.  I don’t know if it will be her or her family who cringes more when they watch that episode.  Granted, for the most part she handled herself well, but she truly lost her mind at the end there. 

Let the pouting continue.  To be fair, I don’t think we’ve seen one evening cocktail party or Rose Ceremony that hasn’t ended in a sunrise.  They haven’t slept for weeks and I’d imagine that the flying that far East didn’t do wonders for their states of mind. 

We cut to Kristina, Raven, Rachel in bed—just like back at the Russian orphanage. 

Me:  Now we’re talking

Mrs. SGIA:  Whatever.    

2 on 1 date.  Danielle L. and Whitney.  Frankly, I was surprised by this date and I refused to admit that one (or both) of them could be headed home.  In my mind, these are two of the most attractive women left and he had a great first date with Danielle L.  She was also a top 3 pick of mine (damnit).  Danielle L. had the edge in my mind but I wanted to see if Whitney could turn the corner and show some personality. 

After Kristina’s lipstick lunch story I was surprised to hear more talk about how tough their free week filled with helicopter rides, free booze, and volleyball games has been.  They continue to whine, including Nick. 

 

Vanessa, who has up to this point been an oak, teeters over the edge a bit.  She and her Lululemon athletic wear need to keep it together.  She’s likely a top 3 if she can tap the brakes a bit, but the down time and the travel was clearly a factor.  

Whitney basks in the wonder of the beach cabana while Danielle and Nick talk.  Nick puts her on hold and goes back to Whitney.  He dumps Whitney.  Bummer.  Like Jasmine and Taylor before her, she tries to hang on without getting sent home. 

Pay attention ladies.  There is some brilliant male perspective relationship advice headed your way.

As Whitney complains about Danielle L. by questioning Nick if he believes she’s ready for a relationship, I threw my arms into the air and before I could get my thought from my brain to my lips Nick stops Whitney with, “For me this isn’t about Danielle.  It’s about you and I.”  Ouch.  Poor grammar aside, that statement is extremely pregnant with wisdom. 

In other words, it’s not her, it’s you. That’s exactly the point.  No woman in the history of this show, or any other for that matter, has ever been sent home because of something another woman did or didn’t do.  It has nothing to do with Danielle L.’s glorious cleavage or her delicately manicured eyebrows and it will have nothing next week to do with Corinne’s (allegedly) “platinum vagine.”  Jasmine, Taylor, Whitney, and ultimately a clearly blindsided Danielle L. all got sent home not because Nick saw himself with another woman but because he didn’t see himself with any one of them.  Big distinction.    

We saw more of this faulty reasoning back at the resort when Vanessa and her Lululemon outerwear wondered what Nick was thinking.  "Why can’t they focus on themselves and overthink what he’s thinking," I wondered.  It’s infuriating from a man’s perspective.  This tendency to overthink things, indeed, is the female psyches’ greatest strength while simultaneously serving as its greatest weakness. 

Nick has dinner at an old fort with Danielle L.  I was surprised Taylor didn’t come back to try and ruin that. 

Nick starts to sweat.  Uh oh. 

Nick’s “heart is telling him no” about Danielle L.  and he abruptly sends her home.  Normally, I am not this far off in my predictions, but I admit, this one surprised me.  Either he’s an incredibly decisive person or based on his age and perpetually single status it is more likely that he simply can’t commit. 

The English/Philosophy degrees in me made me think back to a book called The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.  There is a scene in the story where its main character compares her life to a fig tree whose branches stand for the different paths her life may take.  She sees each fig as a metaphorically different possibility for her future. 

She writes,

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

Granted, I’m sure the irony of me using Sylvia Plath to draw a comparison to a womanizing guy dating 27 women simultaneously while supposedly trying to find a wife, is not lost on my fellow English/Philosophy majors, but, irony aside, I think it fits.  Most of these women have nice sets of figs.    

Nick seems intent on trying to find the perfect woman and he’s paralyzed himself with an inability to choose.  Ergo, hasty, poorly considered dismissals and loads of indecisive tears to a group of remaining women who sit there wrinkling, going black, one by one, before plopping to the ground at his feet. 

Gone:  Danielle L., Whitney, and Jasmine.  You think they met at the St. Thomas International Airport Chili’s Too and killed a few margaritas before their flights?

Rachel, Danielle M., Corinne, Vanessa, Raven, and Kristina remain.  Top 3 now that Danielle L. is gone?  Hmm.  I’m sticking with Raven, Vanessa, and I’ll go with Kristina over Danielle M.  I still think Corinne makes it to hometowns so the show can mock her.  I can’t wait.

There it is.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Feedback?  Until next week, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime if you need me, I’ll be playing volleyball while I wonder just what Nick must be thinking.  DP. 

 

  

Bachelor Nick Episode 5: Come Voo-Do Me on the 2 on 1 Date

Hello, Readers (if there are still any left) and welcome to my unintentional bi-weekly recap of The Bachelor.  I’d apologize but who’d listen?  I suppose my current problem (too much work to complete) is a good one to have in light of the alternative.  I’ve been living on a plane for the past couple of weeks (Miami, Tampa,  San Jose, and Los Angeles) and even uncharacteristically missed Episode 4.  

First class upgrade or not, the wireless access on a plane is more intermittent than Corinne’s bouts with sobriety and, try as I might, I could not find the time to write this week.  Fortuitously, however, Episode 5 might as well have been Episode 4.  Like missing a year of watching General Hospital, I felt like I hadn’t been away at all.

Let’s get to it, shall we?    

Corinne, who still “runs a multi-million dollar company” and Taylor who allegedly “treats patients as a mental health counselor” continue their drunken millennial nonsense.  Why do the producers of this show find it incumbent upon themselves to manufacture jobs for these dunces?  Corinne has a nanny for crying out loud, can’t wash a spoon (allegedly), and drinks more than I do during trial.  Taylor is a TWENTY THREE year old who purports to counsel people with (presumably) real life problems and she’s been bitching for three weeks because the guy she likes doesn’t object to being fawned over by horny females desperate for a shot at getting sized for a Neil Lane loaner ring.    

Apparently, a lot of this chicken-necking and finger pointing went on last week too.  I must have missed the Group Date that taught them to attempt to solve problems like the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Horrible.    

Lord knows how long the bickering went on in real time.  They had enough usable footage to drag it on for two episodes so the trash that hit the editing room floor must have been copious.  That must have been painful to film.  Well, painful for everyone but Corinne’s alcohol supplier sales rep who doubled his quota in one episode.  He’ll undoubtedly be playing golf and pretending to make cold calls next week.  The Tony Robbins DVD's in his trunk will have to wait yet another week to be unwrapped.  I’m a trial lawyer and I think Corinne drinks a lot.  She’s drunker than Christian Slater for crying out loud. 

After observing her lewd behavior it was clear to me that her title with her daddy’s company is perhaps CEO. . . Chief Ethanol Officer.  Or CMO . . . Chief Margarita Officer.  Or CIO . . . Champagne Imbibing Officer.  Or my personal favorite is CFO . . . “Chief Fornication Officer.”    I could go on, but you get the point. 

Of course, by the time the Women Tell All airs and she’s had time to see just how publicly humiliating her behavior is, she’ll cry poor editing.  ABC will accuse Putin and the Russians of spreading misinformation in order to unduly influence our Rose Ceremonies thereby getting the illegitimate person elected the new potential Mrs. Viall.  Corinne will demand a recount and riots will ensue.     

In my opinion Corinne is going to make it to hometown dates.  Hear me out.  ABC will ensure she sticks around so that we get to meet her family and, more importantly, her nanny.  It’s simply too good to pass up.  She’ll get kicked to the curb after home towns and the tantrum is bound to become a thing of legend.  She'll get some couch time with Harrison during the Women Tell All where she’ll be berated by the panel of losers for not being “there for Nick.”  I just love it when a plan comes together, don't you?   

Corinne and Taylor “right vs. wrong reasons” each other before Corinne pounds another glass or two of chardonnay and tries to submarine Taylor by slurring to Nick about what a bad person he’s allowed to remain in his harem of hotties.

Nick looked over it.  Defining irony, Corinne has the balls to use the word “entitled" and Taylor begins to melt down showing that even mental health counselors have an inability to step outside of themselves and see when they're being manipulated.  

Props to Corinne for getting in her head.  She’s not as dumb and drunk as she acts.  Well, either that or she’s just been manipulating people for so long she can do it in her sleep.  Frankly, that’s the more likely scenario. 

Was it me or did all of the girls look extremely cold and tired?  They looked like those poor shivering dogs from the SPCA commercials where Sarah McLaughlin’s “In the Arms of an Angel” is playing in the background.  I was waiting for one of them to be rescued and almost picked up the phone to donate my 63 cents a day.  For the record, I'd rescue Danielle L.    

Rose Ceremony

Whitney

Kristina

Danielle

Jasmine

Raven

Rachel

Jaimi

Josephine

Vanessa

Alexis

Corinne

Taylor

Gone:

Sarah (Nice person.  Too nice to compete)

Astrid (I had hopes for her but she never rose above the din)

Mansion be damned.  We’re headed to NOLA for a One-on-one,  a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one (did any of us doubt who was getting that date?).

One-on-One Date  “Rachel.  Where have you beignet all my life?”

Rachel and Nick hit up an outdoor market that’s clearly outside of the French Quarter.  For those of you who have been to New Orleans, you’ll agree with me that it is as close to a cesspool as a city can get without actually being a cesspool.  Props to ABC for making it look clean.

Incidentally, click on the link below to check out the story of my first trip to New Orleans when I was 17 years old.  It’s a classic.

SGIA Almost in Jeopardy

Nick and Rachel down some hot sauce and oysters before hitting the (overrated) world famous Café Du Monde for some of its famous coffee and beignets.  

SGIA TIP:  If you go to Café Du Monde and there is a line out front, watch for a wandering bus boy, make eye contact, and give a nod.  He’ll pull you out of line, walk you into the restaurant, and seat you if you grease his palm.  Trust me.  From the mayor all the way down to its bus boys, that town appreciates grift about as much as it appreciates alcohol.  I once saw a New Orleans Police cruiser block traffic while two guys jumped out of a sports car, ran into a bar, dragged a guy out into the street, and beat the hell out of him.  They jumped back in the car and the cop waived them through the intersection in broad daylight like nothing ever happened.    

Nick and Rachel dance like morons and visit a local music venue before heading to dinner.  Nick looked even more uncomfortable on that date than he did dancing to the Backstreet Boys.  It’s always disheartening to me when the cause of the awkwardness is the actual date itself rather than the people who are on it.  Rachel was a great sport, however.  She earned her place on the show  . . . errrr, in Nick’s heart. 

Over a light dinner at Mardi Gras World they share some good conversation.  She’s clearly a nice person who has her shit together.  I liked her a lot.  I say she’s a top 3 or 4 but I don’t think she gets the Neil Lane ring.  It’s incredible how a normal conversation with a decent person sticks out on this show like a priest in a whorehouse.   

Group Date Card.  “Till Death Do Us Part”

Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Danielle L.

By default and as unsurprising as the Patriots making the Superbowl, the Two on One Date goes to Corinne and Taylor. 

The Group heads to Houma’s House a “haunted” plantation.  After a round of of Mint Julieps to grease the skids we meet Boo the caretaker who has apparently also had a few Mint Julieps.  He tells us the tale of May, the deceased 8 year old, who haunts the house.  

As best as I could tell, May was the Corinne of her time.  She probably had more than one nanny, however, and, due to her early departure from the world of the living, never got the chance to run her daddy’s multi-million dollar slave labor operation.   

This date might have been one of the dumbest dates in Bachelor history.  Ouija boards, fake poltergeist activity, and a lot of sitting around.  It fell flat.  Even May was bored.     

Corinne, in the meantime, chugs champagne while preparing for her swamp date with a mud mask and a 7 course meal.  We’d soon find out that “emotional intelligence” would be uttered more frequently than Corinne’s sips of champagne.  I began to miss my first class seat to Los Angeles.  Watching this made me feel less emotionally intelligent.   

“Intelligency” makes its way from Corinne’s inebriated lips and takes its first steps toward the Oxford English dictionary.  Sigh . . . .

Whitney speaks.  Man, she’s so pretty but, unfortunately, equally as boring.

Mrs. SGIA:  Do you think she’s pretty?

SGIA:  Yea, but she’s the type of girl a guy is so excited to meet in the bar with her friends and get her number.  Then you pick her up and take her out on your own and about halfway into the date you’re thinking, COME ON! 

Mrs. SGIA:  Oh. 

SGIA:  It’s science.  I couldn’t make that date work, even with my overwhelming charm.

Mrs. SGIA:  Whatever. 

SGIA: Exactly.     

 

Danielle M., also a nice person who is about as exciting as a fart in an elevator, opens up to Nick thereby earning the date rose.  Granted, it wasn’t an impressive win, but she did enough to get noticed and that, after all, is what counts.  Winning on a safety is the same thing as winning by 3 touchdowns.  She and Whitney are both nice people but I suspect they’re both out shined on a regular basis.  Looks are not their problem.  It’s the cardboard personality that is. 

Raven has good one-on-one time too, but fails to edge out Danielle M.  Raven is a top 3 or 4 in my book as well.  Nick finds her and her accent interesting and she has an honest quality about her that he seems to recognize.  She’s funny as well.  Those qualities bridge the gap between her and the prettier girls.  Nick, after all, enjoys an intellectual conversation when he’s not humping away like a bonobo monkey.    

Rose Check. 

Rachel

Danielle M.

Two-on-One date.  “Corinne and Taylor, Meet me in the Bayou.”

I’ve been fishing and hunting in that bayou before.  Trust me when I tell you it’s a miserable place for romance.  Hell, it's a miserable place to fish and hunt.  The movie Deliverance came to mind, although that was in the Georgia swamp, and, if I’m honest, I was hoping that the hillbilly boat captain that drove the three of them to the Voodoo party would grab Nick by the shoulder and tell him that he had a pretty mouth.    

Rather than dignify tarot cards and voodoo rituals with a description, let me just stick to some of my favorite quotes from the date itself. 

Tarot lady: “Clarity and light will be reached in a tarot reading.”

Corinne:  “She called me stupid”.  

Nick:  “Uh, ok.  How did that make you feel?”

Corinne:  “She bullied me. She called me stupid.”    

Taylor:  “Their relationship will be built off, like, whipped cream and lies.” 

Corinne:  “I literally can’t even believe that you’re a mental health counselor.”

Nick:  “Again, I just want to say thank you [but now I have to leave you in the swamp with the voodoo people while Corinne and I join our hillbilly boat captain and head back to the hotel].”

Incidentally, how did Taylor walk back to the hotel if they had to take a boat to the voodoo party to begin with? Perhaps we’ll find out next week.   

Corinne dresses like Tina Turner at dinner with her hooters on full display.  Taylor (predictably) crashes dinner and we’re all left in astonishment wondering just what will happen next week. 

Yawn. 

Overall, a terrible episode.  The Corinne thing is spent like a shell casing during dove season and Nick looks even more bored than all of us feel.  I’m certain things will spice up in the next couple of weeks, but man, it this season dragging.  

Top 5?  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Corinne, and maybe Danielle M. if she can rally a bit.   I just don’t see any of the others making it there.  Verdict is still out on my winning pick and my top 3.  What do you think? 

Well, there it is.  A late post.  Enjoy your weekend.  Enjoy the Superbowl.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be getting drunk with the Queen of Cups.