Hello, Readers (if there are still any left) and welcome to my unintentional bi-weekly recap of The Bachelor. I’d apologize but who’d listen? I suppose my current problem (too much work to complete) is a good one to have in light of the alternative. I’ve been living on a plane for the past couple of weeks (Miami, Tampa, San Jose, and Los Angeles) and even uncharacteristically missed Episode 4.
First class upgrade or not, the wireless access on a plane is more intermittent than Corinne’s bouts with sobriety and, try as I might, I could not find the time to write this week. Fortuitously, however, Episode 5 might as well have been Episode 4. Like missing a year of watching General Hospital, I felt like I hadn’t been away at all.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Corinne, who still “runs a multi-million dollar company” and Taylor who allegedly “treats patients as a mental health counselor” continue their drunken millennial nonsense. Why do the producers of this show find it incumbent upon themselves to manufacture jobs for these dunces? Corinne has a nanny for crying out loud, can’t wash a spoon (allegedly), and drinks more than I do during trial. Taylor is a TWENTY THREE year old who purports to counsel people with (presumably) real life problems and she’s been bitching for three weeks because the guy she likes doesn’t object to being fawned over by horny females desperate for a shot at getting sized for a Neil Lane loaner ring.
Apparently, a lot of this chicken-necking and finger pointing went on last week too. I must have missed the Group Date that taught them to attempt to solve problems like the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Horrible.
Lord knows how long the bickering went on in real time. They had enough usable footage to drag it on for two episodes so the trash that hit the editing room floor must have been copious. That must have been painful to film. Well, painful for everyone but Corinne’s alcohol supplier sales rep who doubled his quota in one episode. He’ll undoubtedly be playing golf and pretending to make cold calls next week. The Tony Robbins DVD's in his trunk will have to wait yet another week to be unwrapped. I’m a trial lawyer and I think Corinne drinks a lot. She’s drunker than Christian Slater for crying out loud.
After observing her lewd behavior it was clear to me that her title with her daddy’s company is perhaps CEO. . . Chief Ethanol Officer. Or CMO . . . Chief Margarita Officer. Or CIO . . . Champagne Imbibing Officer. Or my personal favorite is CFO . . . “Chief Fornication Officer.” I could go on, but you get the point.
Of course, by the time the Women Tell All airs and she’s had time to see just how publicly humiliating her behavior is, she’ll cry poor editing. ABC will accuse Putin and the Russians of spreading misinformation in order to unduly influence our Rose Ceremonies thereby getting the illegitimate person elected the new potential Mrs. Viall. Corinne will demand a recount and riots will ensue.
In my opinion Corinne is going to make it to hometown dates. Hear me out. ABC will ensure she sticks around so that we get to meet her family and, more importantly, her nanny. It’s simply too good to pass up. She’ll get kicked to the curb after home towns and the tantrum is bound to become a thing of legend. She'll get some couch time with Harrison during the Women Tell All where she’ll be berated by the panel of losers for not being “there for Nick.” I just love it when a plan comes together, don't you?
Corinne and Taylor “right vs. wrong reasons” each other before Corinne pounds another glass or two of chardonnay and tries to submarine Taylor by slurring to Nick about what a bad person he’s allowed to remain in his harem of hotties.
Nick looked over it. Defining irony, Corinne has the balls to use the word “entitled" and Taylor begins to melt down showing that even mental health counselors have an inability to step outside of themselves and see when they're being manipulated.
Props to Corinne for getting in her head. She’s not as dumb and drunk as she acts. Well, either that or she’s just been manipulating people for so long she can do it in her sleep. Frankly, that’s the more likely scenario.
Was it me or did all of the girls look extremely cold and tired? They looked like those poor shivering dogs from the SPCA commercials where Sarah McLaughlin’s “In the Arms of an Angel” is playing in the background. I was waiting for one of them to be rescued and almost picked up the phone to donate my 63 cents a day. For the record, I'd rescue Danielle L.
Sarah (Nice person. Too nice to compete)
Astrid (I had hopes for her but she never rose above the din)
Mansion be damned. We’re headed to NOLA for a One-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one (did any of us doubt who was getting that date?).
One-on-One Date “Rachel. Where have you beignet all my life?”
Rachel and Nick hit up an outdoor market that’s clearly outside of the French Quarter. For those of you who have been to New Orleans, you’ll agree with me that it is as close to a cesspool as a city can get without actually being a cesspool. Props to ABC for making it look clean.
Incidentally, click on the link below to check out the story of my first trip to New Orleans when I was 17 years old. It’s a classic.
Nick and Rachel down some hot sauce and oysters before hitting the (overrated) world famous Café Du Monde for some of its famous coffee and beignets.
SGIA TIP: If you go to Café Du Monde and there is a line out front, watch for a wandering bus boy, make eye contact, and give a nod. He’ll pull you out of line, walk you into the restaurant, and seat you if you grease his palm. Trust me. From the mayor all the way down to its bus boys, that town appreciates grift about as much as it appreciates alcohol. I once saw a New Orleans Police cruiser block traffic while two guys jumped out of a sports car, ran into a bar, dragged a guy out into the street, and beat the hell out of him. They jumped back in the car and the cop waived them through the intersection in broad daylight like nothing ever happened.
Nick and Rachel dance like morons and visit a local music venue before heading to dinner. Nick looked even more uncomfortable on that date than he did dancing to the Backstreet Boys. It’s always disheartening to me when the cause of the awkwardness is the actual date itself rather than the people who are on it. Rachel was a great sport, however. She earned her place on the show . . . errrr, in Nick’s heart.
Over a light dinner at Mardi Gras World they share some good conversation. She’s clearly a nice person who has her shit together. I liked her a lot. I say she’s a top 3 or 4 but I don’t think she gets the Neil Lane ring. It’s incredible how a normal conversation with a decent person sticks out on this show like a priest in a whorehouse.
Group Date Card. “Till Death Do Us Part”
Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Danielle L.
By default and as unsurprising as the Patriots making the Superbowl, the Two on One Date goes to Corinne and Taylor.
The Group heads to Houma’s House a “haunted” plantation. After a round of of Mint Julieps to grease the skids we meet Boo the caretaker who has apparently also had a few Mint Julieps. He tells us the tale of May, the deceased 8 year old, who haunts the house.
As best as I could tell, May was the Corinne of her time. She probably had more than one nanny, however, and, due to her early departure from the world of the living, never got the chance to run her daddy’s multi-million dollar slave labor operation.
This date might have been one of the dumbest dates in Bachelor history. Ouija boards, fake poltergeist activity, and a lot of sitting around. It fell flat. Even May was bored.
Corinne, in the meantime, chugs champagne while preparing for her swamp date with a mud mask and a 7 course meal. We’d soon find out that “emotional intelligence” would be uttered more frequently than Corinne’s sips of champagne. I began to miss my first class seat to Los Angeles. Watching this made me feel less emotionally intelligent.
“Intelligency” makes its way from Corinne’s inebriated lips and takes its first steps toward the Oxford English dictionary. Sigh . . . .
Whitney speaks. Man, she’s so pretty but, unfortunately, equally as boring.
Mrs. SGIA: Do you think she’s pretty?
SGIA: Yea, but she’s the type of girl a guy is so excited to meet in the bar with her friends and get her number. Then you pick her up and take her out on your own and about halfway into the date you’re thinking, COME ON!
Mrs. SGIA: Oh.
SGIA: It’s science. I couldn’t make that date work, even with my overwhelming charm.
Mrs. SGIA: Whatever.
Danielle M., also a nice person who is about as exciting as a fart in an elevator, opens up to Nick thereby earning the date rose. Granted, it wasn’t an impressive win, but she did enough to get noticed and that, after all, is what counts. Winning on a safety is the same thing as winning by 3 touchdowns. She and Whitney are both nice people but I suspect they’re both out shined on a regular basis. Looks are not their problem. It’s the cardboard personality that is.
Raven has good one-on-one time too, but fails to edge out Danielle M. Raven is a top 3 or 4 in my book as well. Nick finds her and her accent interesting and she has an honest quality about her that he seems to recognize. She’s funny as well. Those qualities bridge the gap between her and the prettier girls. Nick, after all, enjoys an intellectual conversation when he’s not humping away like a bonobo monkey.
Two-on-One date. “Corinne and Taylor, Meet me in the Bayou.”
I’ve been fishing and hunting in that bayou before. Trust me when I tell you it’s a miserable place for romance. Hell, it's a miserable place to fish and hunt. The movie Deliverance came to mind, although that was in the Georgia swamp, and, if I’m honest, I was hoping that the hillbilly boat captain that drove the three of them to the Voodoo party would grab Nick by the shoulder and tell him that he had a pretty mouth.
Rather than dignify tarot cards and voodoo rituals with a description, let me just stick to some of my favorite quotes from the date itself.
Tarot lady: “Clarity and light will be reached in a tarot reading.”
Corinne: “She called me stupid”.
Nick: “Uh, ok. How did that make you feel?”
Corinne: “She bullied me. She called me stupid.”
Taylor: “Their relationship will be built off, like, whipped cream and lies.”
Corinne: “I literally can’t even believe that you’re a mental health counselor.”
Nick: “Again, I just want to say thank you [but now I have to leave you in the swamp with the voodoo people while Corinne and I join our hillbilly boat captain and head back to the hotel].”
Incidentally, how did Taylor walk back to the hotel if they had to take a boat to the voodoo party to begin with? Perhaps we’ll find out next week.
Corinne dresses like Tina Turner at dinner with her hooters on full display. Taylor (predictably) crashes dinner and we’re all left in astonishment wondering just what will happen next week.
Overall, a terrible episode. The Corinne thing is spent like a shell casing during dove season and Nick looks even more bored than all of us feel. I’m certain things will spice up in the next couple of weeks, but man, it this season dragging.
Top 5? Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Corinne, and maybe Danielle M. if she can rally a bit. I just don’t see any of the others making it there. Verdict is still out on my winning pick and my top 3. What do you think?
Well, there it is. A late post. Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy the Superbowl. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be getting drunk with the Queen of Cups.