Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Bachelor Ben Episode 6: It’s a Lard Day’s Night


Well hello, Readers.  Sorry for my tardiness.  Blame the jerk in Florida who decided to file a Motion to Dismiss in Federal Court against me.  Justice never sleeps and, frankly, neither did I this week.  But that’s water under the metaphorical bridge.  Let’s talk Bachelor.

It’s week 6 and, like Jesus Himself, Boring Ben is narrowing the herd by sending it off the cliff, isn't he? (Luke 8:31-33 Pig reference No. 1)  

Now, I thought a lot about what I was going to write about in my recap.  Normally, I try and infuse it with large piece of whatever happens to be clanging around in my mind.  For the observant ones, you’ll notice my title is my second homage to The Beatles in as many weeks, for instance. That happens to be the result of doing my weekly “long run” with all of the Beatles albums shuffling on my iPod last week.  Why did they ever let Ringo sing?  Annyyyhooo . . .     

This week, I’d like to keep it simple.  I’ll disclaim the rest of this post by saying that I’m well aware that it’s hardly original and (likely) not nearly as beguiling as my usual posts.  However, like Olivia and Lace, sometimes it’s appropriate to wander off the reservation or, in this case, out of the pigpen. 

In the spirit of what may have been one of the most confusing dates in the history of  . . . well . . . all dates in the history of dating, I will proceed to recap this week’s episode with nothing but pig-related puns and references.  Let’s see how well I can do.  

Keep in mind that I spent the large majority of the show thinking of pig puns and references rather than taking notes.  My intent was to exhaust my mind’s live stock of them, but shockingly, I was able to come up with a heck of a lot more than I thought—including two Bible verses.  And who said a Minor in Theology wasn’t worth anything?  My parents, that’s who.   

Let’s get to it, shall we?  

We cut in to last week’s Olivia-based drama with the impending Rose Ceremony and the possible (GASP) heretofore unprecedented Date Rose retraction from Ben after all of the other women squealed on her for her boar-ish behavior.

“In their styes with all their backing
They don't care what goes on around
In their eyes there's something lacking
What they need's a damn good whacking”

---Piggies by The Beatles (make that 3 references)

Pigheaded, Olivia sells herself and all of her appealing attributes . . . hard . . . while all of the women plan her demise.  Frankly, Olivia spinning her greatest greats was like putting lipstick on a pig.  Ben was very Harrison-esque in his chat with her, including borrowing Harrison’s patented feign-of-concern head nod and finger to the mouth.  Ben buys Olivia’s hogwash and keeps her around for the drama in order to ensure an even more humiliating departure for her in the two-on-one date.

Emily drops an indignant “what the f*ck?”  She was clearly dis-grunt-tled. 

“I’m not going anywhere.  Everyone else can suck it,” replies Olivia.  She has neither the time nor the need for subtlety.  In other words, everyone can huff and puff all they want but they can’t blow her house down.   

Rose Ceremony on the very Georgia O’Keefe-ish rug.  It was pretty boar-ing.

The Other Haley s-whines and s-whines intermittently about everything.  Life is so unfair for all of the millennials, isn’t it?  Imagine not being paid attention to when you’re throwing a tantrum or not having exactly what you want handed to you without working for it.  That entire generation is like one big Veruca Salt throwing a huge fit inside Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. 


“She should tap the brakes on the bitching,” I told Mrs. SGIA.  “Her negativity could have some serious re-pork-cussions.”

Roses

1.         Amanda
2.         Olivia
3.         Lauren H.
4.         Caila
5.         Lauren B.
6.         JoJo
7.         Becca
8.         Leah
9.         Emily

Gone

Jubilee

Jennifer (small business owner) She seemed nice enough, albeit, too quiet and not assertive enough to be noticed.   I think Ben should have given her a bigger chance.

They’re headed to . . . Bahamas . . .via Swish Catamaran.    

Harrison is there early (of course he is).   Like the elder statesman that he is, Harrison lays down the week’s agenda like a modern day Abra-Ham Link-oln.  One One-on-One Date, One Group Date, and the dreaded Two-on-One Elimi-date.  Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.  Perhaps it should have been “One Rose within reach, one red-nosed, dejected narcissist abandoned on the beach.”  

That was BRUTAL, by the way.  More about that later.    

Date Card. 

Becca reads it.  “Caila, let’s see if our love is reel. Ben.”

Leah is “speechless”.  Let’s be fair, Olivia and Caila have hogged all of the prior one-on-ones.  Gluttons. 

Caila could have packed some clothes that fit her for the date and ABC could have spared us the phallic symbolism.  She throws on the strap-on (fishing belt) and they pull a rubber prop fish from the ocean.  The gills were blue for crying out loud.  Caila had a nice tan.  She has good Pig-ment.  

Caila doesn’t take the emotional plunge quite yet.  “I’m not ready,” she actually tells, Ben, digging herself an early grave.   She rallies hard and gets the Date Rose, however.  She was smart enough to realize that, had she continued down that path, she’d be talking herself out of a free Bahamian vacation.  She’s a regular Albert Ein-swine.    
 
Leah cries more than The Other Haley did at the beginning of the episode because she’s been ignored and isolated by Ben in favor of Olivia and Caila.  That might be the first time I’ve actually agreed with that approach.  She’s been more isolated than the fat kid in Lord of the Flies.  If you’ll recall, his name was Piggy. 

She’s been relatively consistent, albeit quiet, all season.  She’s seeing no return on her investment and sees the big market crash looming in the future.  She’s like the romantic equivalent of former Chairman of the Fed., Alan Greenspam.

Knock, Knock.  Group date card.  Lauren B. Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H. and Leah.  Group Date.  Love is Unpredictable.   Well, not in this case, but who’s worrying about the details?  What was unpredictable was the trichinosis risk the bikini-clad girls were about to encounter.   Yea, I know.  You can only get that from eating a pig, but give me some creative license here, would you?       

The girls do the math and realize that (shockingly) arch enemies Olivia and Emily get the 2 on 1.  We all saw that coming.   Props to the producers for delivering it after baiting the both of them into unwittingly teeing it up for the past two weeks.      

Bikini Group Pig Play Date. 

Ben shows up in some ill-fitting mint green shorts.  I will now cover you in jokes like hogs in slop.

AHEM . . .

Normally we have to wait until Fantasy Suite week to see so much porking. 

Swimming with pigs” isn’t that a better description for the last season of The Bachelorette?

The remaining Haley calls the Other Haley to complain to her from The Bahamas.  They’re like pigs in a blanket, aren’t they?

Lauren B. hogs the one-on-one time with Ben on the beach.  There’s no chance Ben is going to go bacon her heart any time soon. 

The girls really didn’t seem to like the pigs.  They should be ashamed of themselves.  Pigs can’t help the way they’re born.   There’s nothing worse than being hammophobic. 

By the way, why were they feeding pigs hot dogs?  Those are made out of pigs.  That’s like feeding Harrison nails and masculinity.    

Ben sums it up.  He can’t deal with the irrational behavior.  If he’s been nothing else, he’s been an open book with all of the women this season.  Many of them are simply too self-involved or simply too, well, simple to appreciate it.  “Do not cast your pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet . . .”.  Matthew 7:6.

He confides in JoJo.  She runs a bit of interference with a grief stricken Leah. Crying on a pig date?  Why I never sau-sage a thing. 

JoJo failed to ham it up but really showed some chops by stepping back and setting her own needs aside.  She’s been sow patient.  She’ll end up watching the director’s cut of Jurrasic Pork in the Fantasy Suite, if you know what I mean.        

Perhaps on the next date they can watch a Kevin Bacon movie and unwind in the hot tub with some Amy Swinehouse.  They can look deeply into each other’s eyes and hold hams. 

Leah squeals on Lauren B. for no apparently reason other than because the Producers told her she was going home so she might as well do it.  Then she denies it despite knowing it was filmed.  Ben sends her packing.  Geez, Leah over Lauren B?  Say it with me . . . when pigs fly.

Ominous weather looms above prior to the big 2 on 1.  Boy, that was a por-cine of things to come, wasn’t it? 

Olivia revels in denial prior to the date and The Other Haley throws on her best stringy suit and prepares for the slaughter.  That date looked miserable from every angle.

Olivia’s over-confidence was painful to watch.  As we say in Texas “pigs get fat but hogs get slaughtered.”  Put another way, Olivia was WAY too certain of getting the rose.

“Well, If it doesn’t work out maybe they can be pen pals,” I mused between sips of Lone Star.  When Olivia dropped, “Deep intellectual things are  . . . like . . . my jam,” I nearly cried.

“Ben and I’s love” actually came out of her mouth just prior to her being left alone on a rainy, cold, isolated island like a female Robinson Crus-ho.  And why was her nose so red as she stood there shivering in solitude?  

Perhaps she had a bit of ham and eczema.  Hopefully she put some oink-ment on it and now she’s cured.   

Ben broods in the hurricane weather in his sharkskin suit.  Then he broods in his hotel room, which was nice.  In fact, it was filled with rich ma-hog-any furniture.  He sends Harrison in to cancel the cocktail party, which was a shame because all of the women looked so sty-lish.  Harrison shows up and makes the announcement in his sharkskin jacket. 

Rose Ceremony

Roses

The Other Haley
Caila
Becca
JoJo
Lauren B. 

Gone

Leah
Olivia
Lauren H. (poor thing.  She’s very nice).


Well, much like the Bay of Pigs, that little island invasion didn’t pan out so well for many of the women.  The good news is that I think he has the right girls heading into the final weeks.  The best part of this episode for me?  You guessed it:  The Twist at the End of the Tale.      

Have a wonderful week.  Thanks for tolerating my tardiness.  I’m a bit hungry now.  If you need me, I’ll be eating pulled pork tacos.    DP 

27 comments:

  1. Hi, DP you'd never be invited to a bar mitzvah 'cause you're a HAM. Seriously I have watched Bachelor and 'ettes for at least a dozen years and am still puzzled as to what makes nut jobs like Olivia behave as they do. Keep on being Pygmalion because you are our Jon Hamm. Faithfully, Macedonian Hussy

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    1. Love, MH. Love makes them behave like they do. Well, that and unlimited chardonnay. DP

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  2. Wow! My brain kind of hurts from working its way through your porcine paragraphs...I can't even come up with one good pork line,

    A Minor in Theology?! Some Guy keeps the surprises coming.

    Where else can we go to read an article referencing the Bible, the Beatles, Lord of the Flies, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and sooooo many pig puns?

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    1. Thanks, Kim. Your head probably would have exploded had I used my Odyssey, Charlotte's Web, Animal Farm, and Winnie the Pooh pig references. So many references, so little time. Thanks for reading! DP

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    2. I agree with Kim! Truly impressive to have so many eclectic references in one blog...about a silly reality show, no less! I'm surprised you didn't have a HAMlet reference!!! hahahaha....

      Well played, Some Guy!

      As always, looking forward to next week...
      Rose in OC

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  3. Good for you to ham it up.
    The I like to talk smart line from Olivia was certainly a strange think for somebody so "deep" to say to Ben. It only made her sound weirder. So funny when she said Emily was young-they are both the same age. Guess she meant immature.
    Caila was certainly very strange on the evening part of their date. Think she's out of the running for my top spot-very confusing conversation.
    The pig date-no thanks!
    Wonder what we aren't being privy to about Lauren B?
    The planned date with Olivia and Emily I read had to be called off due to the weather but that boat ride and miserable looking island didn't seem much like an alternative. You could see Olivia planning her wedding as Ben was walking with her down the beach with the rose in hand and she was certainly gobsmacked when he told her adios.
    From the previews it looks like we really are in for the most dramatic Bachelor ever
    Sal in Utah

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    1. It's going to be exciting. Good to see you in the comment section, as always. DP

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  4. Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion. Proverbs 11:22 Leah should take a lesson from Proverbs...telling fibs on national TV! For Shame! Loved your pig paragraph - one of the best ever. I ham a lot of fun reading it :)

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  5. Very hammy recap. Alan Greenspam!! Poor Piggy. I kept worrying about them swimming in pig poop. Thanks as always for your public service -- you make lots of folks very happy.

    Marti in Dallas

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  6. "That entire generation is like one big Veruca Salt throwing a huge fit inside Wonka’s Chocolate Factory."
    Thank you Some Guy - My favorite simile this year!
    "I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now."
    (Just you try to not sing that!)

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  7. I was waiting for a "This Little Piggy" reference...

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  8. Epic!! Every recap should have a theme from here on out!

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  9. I was in hog heaven reading your recap!!

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  10. SGIA,
    One of your most sn-outstanding recaps!

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  11. Eggs-ellent recap! (You know, like, ham and eggs? FML, that's why I don't write recaps!)

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  12. Next time trim the fat.

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  13. Yeah babe, if you're going to pun, pun it like a man(wich);

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsy1Lg65eFs

    Meaty and only to a point.

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  14. Loved your pig puns. Probably my favorite bachelor date ever. I will admit to rewinding and watching the pigs jumping on the squealing women several times. The fact that my kid was on a hog hunting trip made it even better.

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