Bachelor Ben Episode 5: Todos Estan Locos

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week's installation of my take on The Bachelor.  Yea, I know.  I skipped last week.  I'd apologize, but the job I have that actually pays the bills had me busier than a Bachelor cameraman running down all of the drama this week.  I regret not recapping, but trust me, my sanity remained in tact when I was able to check a few things off my long To Do List.  

I'm thrilled to be back.  Let's get to it.

While all of Chris Soules' (former) neighbors were busy caucusing in corn country, the girls have a caucus of their own on the sectional couch before leaving one Spanish-speaking, polluted metropolis and heading to another one for some sun and fun with Ben in Mexico City, Mexico.  

Sunrise.  Ahh, the layer of smog enveloping the city turns the loveliest colors during sunrise, doesn't it?  We get some standard Mayan images and some Mexico City aerial shots while Spanish guitar gently serenades us in the background.  We are, of course, setting the stage for our wayward Bachelor to educate the Little People about his deep knowledge of the Mexican culture.    

Ben reads his talking points containing various historical tidbits before hitting the street in his standard issue grey/black outerwear and wandering around in search of his destiny.  

He christens Mexico City a “really good place” to fall in love.  That’s certainly a downgrade from "the perfect place to fall in love" or "the best place on earth to find my wife", but it will have to do.  

The remaining Haley talks as we begin to realize that she'll have a lot of speaking parts in this episode.  She is, after all, the one with the initial responsibility of ratting out Olivia for being certifiably whacko.  We'll get to all that in a bit. 

Amanda talks about the Four Seasons and the rest of the girls pimp the hotel out per ABC's contractual obligations.  You don't think they just hand Harrison the keys to The Rainman suite for nothing, do you?   

Date Card.  Did I mention that Olivia is nuts?  I can't figure out if she's crazier than she is pretty or prettier than she is crazy.  That is, I suppose, a meaningless distinction.  She actually brought up the "love language" that she believes she shares with Ben.  Right.  And all of John Lennon's songs were written for Mark David Chapman to decipher.  It find it ironic that her chosen profession has the word "anchor" in it because she's clearly not tethered to reality.    

Becca reads the pre-placed Date Card.  “Amanda, let’s put all our eggs in one basket.  Ben."  Amanda is what's commonly known as a MILF.  My impression of her actually changed this week.  She came across as level headed, mature, and stable.  I suppose all three of those things tend to happen when you're a single mother to two toddlers, but it was nice to see it. I didn't think she was a bad choice before, but she scored some points this week with Ben as well.  Sadly, I think Olivia is correct about the two kids being a "if all else is even" deal breaker for Ben, however.  

Upon hearing that Amanda gets the date, Olivia eats sour grapes through that gaping hole in her face otherwise known as her constantly open mouth.  

Ben "spontaneously" wakes the girls up at 4:20 a.m.  You know, I often wake Mrs. Some Guy up like an alarm clock:  with a big dong. She loves that joke.  I'm even more certain she'll love that I've chosen to share it here in perpetuity. 

Ben's khaki jeans were so tight you could tell what religion he is.  Lauren H. had a retainer and another one of the girls had a teddy bear.  I sure we missed the part where they ate ice cream, painted each other's nails, and had a pillow fight before Harrison busted in and told them to shut it down or he was calling their mothers.  I'm forgetting that many of these women are less than 5 years out of high school.  

Speaking of sleepover pillow fights, did anyone happen to watch Grease Live the other night?  Yea, I know, you're all shocked that I did.  Keep in mind that Mrs. SGIA controls the remote in the house and that I'm often passively subjected to whatever nonsense she happens to find amusing.  At any given time my DVR has about 14 hours of junk on it right next to the one WWII documentary and Vision Quest that I recorded.  The guy who played Danny Zuco was at least 40 years old and the T-Birds looked more like the Sharks in West Side Story than anything else.  Back to The Bachelor.  

Props to Amanda's handler for tipping her off about Ben's panty raid.  She was clearly prepared for her pre-dawn date in full make up and perfectly coiffed hair.  She and Ben make the 10 hour drive to the outskirts of the city for a hot air ballon ride.

Hot air balloon ride?  There's nothing quite like engaging in a super risky activity in a foreign country when you're solely responsible for two small kids waiting for you back home.  I'm sure that was incredibly relaxing for her. 

Amanda might have set a record (even on this show) for saying “Amazing” on her date with Ben.  She was honest and open and Ben appeared pleasantly surprised.  She took full advantage of the quality alone time on the ground once their lives weren't precariously dangling from a wicker basket suspended beneath a giant propane tank with a flame attached to it.  Let’s face it though, folks:  Ben is boring with a capital Ben. 

Meanwhile, back at the swanky hotel. . . 

Jubilee and Olivia edge toward insanity while the others coif wine and keep it together.  It almost felt like they were feeling each other out to see who could be more irrational.  I'd have to give that one to Olivia for her propensity to be crazy 100% of the time.  Jubilee seemed to vacillate between periods of complete, albeit somewhat insecure, normalcy and bona fide rage.  

Group Date Card.  Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia.

Lauren H. gets the one-on-one and Jubilee starts complaining right before Olivia starts complaining as an oblivious Ben peruses his Pocket Spanish book. 

Spanish class.  The remaining Haley comes out of her shell and makes it clear that she has no discernible life skills.  What was going on with Becca’s hair, by the way?  I don't even have a name for that top of the head hair style thing she tried to pull off.   

Jubilee ruins the moment in one of her rage repressing moments and Olivia tells us that she “knows” Spanish.  I wonder how you say “cankles” in Spanish?

They do some open air market walking and find Chef Nico and Lula at Carbon, which is undoubtedly the place where Harrison and Neil Lane knocked back a few bottles of tequila before knocking up a few cocktail waitresses the night before.  

Cook off.  The remaining Haley is upset about cooking for some reason and Olivia and Jubilee team up to cancel each other’s crazy out.  I think we all saw the issues bubbling beneath the surface with both of these women and, at times, it was difficult to watch.  Between Jubilee's haunted past and Olivia's present delusions it was impossible to not wonder if one of them was going to grab a kitchen knife and narrow the competition.    

Jennifer had the best quote of the season about the remaining Haley:  “Emily was trying to help out but I don’t think her palate has expanded past the kid’s menu yet.”  Classic.  

Cooking class.  Jubilee withdraws into a culinary cocoon.  She’s clearly incapable of swallowing her emotions but not incapable of regurgitating them.  Poor thing.  Externally, she’s the opposite of Olivia although their internal dialogue is probably similar. 

JoJo talks about her taco and even the most conservative viewers in the room had to grin.  Solid editing. 

Jubilee wins with some kind of mole salmon dish and Olivia hates it. 

Cocktail party.  Olivia jumps in over the opening toast to talk to Ben and the women begin to squirm like earthworms after a rainstorm.  Why can’t the women have faith in Ben’s judgment that he’s going to see through her act?  Presumably, if he's as wonderful and level headed as they constantly give him credit for being he'll figure it out.  Oddly enough, the remaining Haley summed it up best when she said that if he continues to choose Olivia then he's clearly not the person for her.  Amen.  

Ben has some one-on-one and kissing time with everyone, including the entire crew it seemed.  Jubilee sweats and bites her lip ready to explode. 

As Ben goes for a walk on the street with Lauren B. JoJo drinks beer.  I knew I liked her.  They all chat while Ben is busy making out with Lauren B. and her Fay Wray in King Kong outfit in front of giant wooden doors.  Jubilee melts down like her namesake dessert. 

When Ben (finally) comes to put an end to her lip biting, she refuses to hold his hand.  “How’s everything going?” is his half-hearted attempt to get to the bottom of the problem.  

He was immediately over it.  She gives him the “you’re not looking at me” speech that Lace invented on night one.  Who knew that speech would survive Lace's departure?  Jubilee is not unattractive and she actually has some depth to her.  It's too bad her other issues outweigh all of that. 

I think we’d agree that their conversation was one of the most uncomfortable ones we’ve seen on this show in a very long time.   He dumps her because she gave him no other choice.  At least he was honest.  She seemed like a nice person but she’s got to get a hold of her emotional issues.  When she left it was hard to tell if he was genuinely upset or just very relieved it was over.  I think he liked her but he just couldn’t see a future with her and her baggage.    

JoJo takes an opportune moment to steal him.  She butters him up.  Solid move.  She could peak over the next couple of weeks.  I think she's a Fantasy Suite finalist.  

Date Rose.  How bad did Olivia want that Date Rose?  Olivia got it.  Two words:  Set up. 

The other Haley is upset.  Really upset. 

Lauren Date.  “Lauren H., Let’s design a life together.  Ben.”

Lauren’s date outfit was rather interesting.  The good news is that it's Mexican Fashion Week.  Lauren H. acts like she's won the lottery when she hears about it.  

Lauren H. and Ben mull around some clothes racks before being told that they get to be in the fashion show.  That whole walking down the runway thing looked really hard.   Sigh . . .   

Diner with Lauren.  She’s way too “friendy” and goofy.  I said the same thing about Kaitlyn when she got banged and then dumped by the Farmer too.  The big difference between Lauren and Kaitlyn is that Lauren H. is not going to sleep around in order to stick around.  She’s a nice person but it’s difficult to think about someone like her in a romantic way.  She wouldn't shut up but she manages to do enough to earn the Date Rose and stick around another week.  I think that one could have gone either way.  Nice save, Lauren H. 

Cocktail party.  All done up.  JoJo gets some more good one-on-one time and in the meantime Olivia drops “I feel like it’s an epidose of teen mom,” on Amanda.  Wow.  

Amanda reacted as well as can be expected.  Olivia gets disarmed and semi-cries about it when she realizes how offensive her comment came across.  Primed after Olivia's Date Rose and emotionally raw without the first Haley at her side, the other Haley gets ready to commit the Cardinal Bachelor Sin:  ratting out one of the other girls.  She cries and tattles on Olivia while Ben sits there looking flabbergasted and exhausted.  She calls her sister and cries to her about her free trip the the Four Seasons in Mexico City while her sister is sitting home with her mother after getting dumped the week before. 

Then EVERYONE lines up against Olivia.  Time to pile on.  

Harrison made the trip.  Ding, Ding, Ding . . .

Ben breaks form and pulls Olivia aside before his chat with Harrison.  To be continued….

Current Roses in Hand:

Amanda

Olivia

Lauren H.

Gone

Jubilee

Well, there it is.  I think we all know that Olivia is going to talk her way back on to the show for at least another week.  Ben couldn't pry that Rose from her tightly clenched hand if he tried.  

Thanks for sticking around for yet another week.  We will see what happens next week.  Enjoy the Superbowl.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be covering up my cankles.  DP