Journey Count 16
Hello, Readers. Week 4 and I have to admit, even with a dolt
of a Bachelor, a couple of virgins, a schizophrenic, an all expenses paid
one-way trip to Iowa, and a couple of drunk Canadians, it’s shaping up to be a hell
of a season. The entire thing sounds
like the sucker-bet showcase on The Price
is Right. You know, the one with the
tent and the bar-b-que grill and not the jet ski and the trip to Aruba. Some Guy observed a lot this week and, based
on the feedback I’ve gotten so far, it appears a male point of view is in high
demand.
We have a lot to sort out. Let’s get to it.
Thankfully, a solo Chris Harrison is back
in his customary “I stopped caring a few seasons ago” untucked oxford and
designer jeans. With baited breasts the
women listen intently has he resets the whole show after the havoc Kimmel’s
guest spot caused last week.
He drops
the “stakes are high” speech, the 2 Group but 1 solo date news, and parts with
the date card before heading to the ABC Production Tent for a stiff mimosa and
an even stiffer paycheck. Oh yea, he
artfully mixed in the fact that Chris’ three sisters will be swinging by to
interview the ladies and make a special pick for a special date. The women sat there drooling like a pack of
Pavlov’s dogs.
First date card. “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I., Ashley S., Juelia,
Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsie. Let’s
do what feels natural.” Seemed simple
enough. What followed was a confusing series
of nervous hair flattening, primping, extension fixing, and caking on the make
up. Naturally.
Look, I’ve alluded to the fact that this
post is going to be heavy on the guy advice.
Here’s the first little bit of it.
But first, a comment, then a clip.
Look, I don’t know what it is about y’all
and this show, but what often seems patently obvious to me as a man might as
well be black crayon on a chalkboard to the female readers. I often get “my husband agreed with you”
comments and emails. Of course he did,
he’s a man. We’re like Matt Damon in The Legend of Bagger Vance. We see The Field.
(Start around 3:00) See the Field
The Field for Date One? Let me explain.
Chris is from Iowa. He’s not looking for buttonless cut off
jeans, hair extensions, and a lot of complaining about bugs, muddy water, and
sleeping in a tent. The paddle boards,
rafts, kayaks, and the remote location are all window dressing. He’s looking for someone who can be
spontaneous, adapt if out of her comfort zone, and someone who is drama
free.
No vodka?
How about a beer?
No toilet paper? How about peeing in the river?
No shower? How about roughing it for 12 hours?
These entire dates, obstacle courses, and
twists are all designed to weed out the drunks (Tara, Jordan), nut jobs (Ashley
S.), Type A over-competitive Types (Jillian, Organ Saleswoman) and complainers (Ashley I.,
Kelsie). Why is that so difficult to
see?
It’s not like it’s not working
either. It’s been textbook. Look who is ahead right now. Jade, Kaitlyn, Carly, Samantha, and
Becca. I’ll break these down, but what
do all of them have in common? They’re
simple, interested in what he has to say, and go with the flow. They’re on his radar because they’ve been
flying under it. More about this
later. Jade’s date vs. Jillian’s date
should be a case study for all women looking to land a dude . . . or turn one
off so badly he’ll lose your number before you get home and take off your
extensions.
Classic convertibles take Chris and the
Group Daters to a retention pond somewhere east of the mansion. Ashley I. immediately begins to stress about
telling Chris that she’s never been banged like a screen door in a
hurricane. Kaitlyn drops her suit bottoms
and Kelsie complains . . . and complains . . . and complains.
She actually referred to the location as
a “hellhole.” Notwithstanding the
stupidity of that comment, I’m certain there were a whole bunch of America’s
finest watching from a hovel in Afghanistan who likely took exception to
that. Even the bees were sick of it. She got stung on the crotch after referring
to the entire date as “questionable”.
Funny, I said the same thing about Chris’ choice to keep Ashley S.
around last week.
After a non-competitive game of Red
Rover, Ashley I. and Mackenzie let the art of tent assembly get the better of
them. Under Kaitlyn’s leadership, Megan
overcame her prodigious bosom and lack of a brain and managed to get her tent
assembled. Good Lord.
 |
| Kaitlyn, how do we put this tent together? If I only had a brain. |
After Kelsie’s “I’m bloated and my boobs
hurt and I need a Midol” day at the campsite, we begin to get the “she’s fake”
talk that we all know will inevitably lead to the dreaded “right reasons”
accusations in the weeks to come. I was
waiting for this season’s Wes Hayden to arrive.
It appears Kelsie is this season’s bad guy.
As Ashley I. made sure her lip gloss was
thicker than her eyelashes, the other Ashley proceeded to go all Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde on the bunch again. She’s a
Strange Case, indeed.
Kaitlyn dropped enough one-liners about
her to meet the Crazy Joke quota and Chris finally seemed scared enough to make
a mental note to leave her roseless this week.
She actually mixed in the word “love” before disappearing into the
darkness like Bigfoot . . . a crazier,
skinner, more desperate version of Bigfoot.
After fixing the cake icing on her face, Ashley
I. has a Clare moment and decides to “sneak” into Chris’ tent while he’s
“sleeping” . . . like all guys do, in his vest, shirt, and jeans . . . to talk
vaguely about the status of her hymen and her overwhelming feelings. Right.
She plans on telling him that she’s a virgin who’s never had a boyfriend
but apparently opted for what looked like attempted CPR.
“Can you imagine what would happen if you
woke me up on a camping trip in the Hill Country in my own tent to talk about
your feelings?” I said to the Mrs.
Response?
Laughter followed by a pause and a “poor Ashley.”
Exactly.
Know your audience, Ashley. She
might as well have waited until the Superbowl and began texting him her
feelings.
“I’m a virgin who’s never had a
boyfriend”? Wow. Keep selling, Ashley I. To a 31 year old, formerly engaged guy
looking to bring a woman back to Iowa that’s a lot of aggravation he doesn’t
need. The only reason to marry a virgin
after age 30 is to avoid criticism.
She’s more insecure than the other Ashley’s grip on reality. Just wait
until she finds out where Iowa is.
You know what they say, Ashley I. A really good makeout session will make your whole
week, but really good sex will make your hole weak.
Keep up the act and Chris will see you as nothing more than a sex
object: Every time he asks for sex, you
object. The upside for her, of course,
is that virginity can be cured. Unfortunately, stupidity can’t.
Fun Fact: Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray will laugh hysterically at that last paragraph, feel guilty about it, and then refuse to give me the satisfaction of telling me she found it funny which, of course, is twice as funny to me than if she'd just admit it in the first place.
Moving on.
Kaitlyn got the date rose and admitted
she was drunk. Take notes: cool girl who can hold her liquor and
maintain her sense of humor without the “I’m a virgin” schtick who doesn’t mind
camping for a night. By the way, those 4
things will get you a Princess Date (and maybe a Neil Lane ring) more times
than fake eyelashes and fake virginity will.
Mansion.
Jillian napped with her black box at the pool. A paint the nails party ensues between Becca,
Jade, Whitney, and Carly and, unfortunately, Chris’ sisters show up before the
pillow fight starts. Jillian gets an
opportunity to put on some clothes. She
sorta takes it.
 |
| This is what we do at all sleepovers! |
Chris’ sisters seemed nice enough. I liked them when they were known as Wilson
Phillips but was glad to see they could still find work. The girls interview with Jade scoring major
points with her low-key approach and her Nebraska roots. More insight.
Whitney—she was nice but too rehearsed
and uptight. She always looks like she’s
on the way to a Junior League function and it’s apparent—in spite of her
‘wedding crash’—that she can’t relax.
Incidentally, do you know why Junior League women never attend orgies?
Too many thank you cards to write.
You’re welcome.
Becca seemed comfortable. I like her and she scores major one-on-one
points but she’s shy and a tad boring in the group setting. I still think she’ll go far if she gets a one-on-one, but she didn’t dazzle Chyna, Carly, and Wendy.
Britt fakes it. They saw right through it. She should Hold On For One More Day. Doncha know, things will change. Things will go her way if she holds on for one more day.
Carly tells her “men abused me” story and
wants Chris to be like her Grandpa. I
have to admit that she’s endeared herself to me the past couple of weeks but
even for Iowa the grandpa line was a little creepy.
Artichokes! Date card.
“Jade, your presence is requested at a
royal ball…Chyna, Carly, and Wendy.”
Wasn’t Rikki Lake in Wilson Phillips?
Nevermind.
Jade wins gracefully and The. Sh*t. Hits.
The. Fan. Seriously. Watching the rest of the women pace nervously
around the “Transformation Room” while Jade’s “Fairy Godmother” got her ready
for the “Cinderella Princess Date” was freaking priceless.
The look on their faces when they overheard
Cruella Deville telling Jade she could keep the shoes and the Neil Lane
earrings was solid Bachelor gold. They
looked like a pack of hyena’s circling a dead wildebeest waiting for the female
lion to finish eating. Ashley I. took it
the hardest. Well, not hard enough to
melt her eyelashes but pretty hard.
 |
| Free shoes? I can't stand it! |
“All I want to do is go on a date and dress
up like a Disney Princess,” Ashley I. whines. Is she five?
“Fairy Princesses have to put out for
Prince Charming in his castle or carriage or whatever to get a date like that,”
I said into my Lone Star.
“No kidding,” said Mrs. SGIA. Now you see why we get along.
Alright, let’s talk about Jade.
The news is already out this week that
she’s the one who posed nude, has been arrested, and, apparently, made a semi-dirty movie . . . or two. We can
discuss that later but let’s keep in mind that Chris knew none of that when she
emerged atop the stairs in her Cinderella dress as the winner of the “three
women I love and who love me picked her for me” contest. Powerful stuff. Say what you want, but she looked
phenomenal. Frankly, she could have
given Chris a signed copy of those pictures and her movie as she walked down
the stairs and I’m not sure it would have mattered.
And yes, I saw the covered back tattoo. If you looked closely you could make out "Suck it, Ashely I." surrounded by dolphins jumping over rainbows. In high school we used to call a girl like that a "dropped french fry." Kinda dirty, but you'd still eat it.
Compare Chris’ body language at the Fairy Princess dinner with his body language at the ensuing CrossFit Jillian dinner. It’s a study in contrasts. He was engaged, unguarded, content, and calm
with Jade. She was modest, a good
listener, open, unassuming, and sincere.
As far as SGIA is concerned I’d rather be surrounded by those adjectives
regardless of the past that preceded them than contrived, insecure, semi-virginal, and
self-interested.
People make mistakes and, unfortunately
for anyone who is in her 20’s, those mistakes are often on film or the Internet
forever. My dad used to tell me that it
doesn’t matter what mistake you make, it’s what you do to correct it that
matters down the road. I realize I’ll
get some push back about my stance here, but I like Jade. I forgive her for posing nude. You should too. It’s ALWAYS the quiet ones that have the
biggest secrets, isn’t it?
Flash back to virginal Ashley I. She wouldn’t (or couldn't?) let it go. She dresses up in her princess dress, eats
corn by herself, and slams champagne. Cinderella,
my ass. More like Bitterella. She needs to get laid.
Jade earns the rose and a blushy-cheeked
Prince Farming takes one step closer to learning about how to deal with her
shady past from the ABC PR Department in their first Presser.
Date Card. “Nikki, Britt, Jillian, Carly, Becca,
Whitney. Let’s get dirty.”
In yet another hyena moment, the girls
are given their own wedding dresses to wear to the date. Chris reuses his Jade date tux plus or minus
a tie choice. Poor Carly gets to do
another obstacle course against Jillian.
At least she didn’t have to drink goat’s milk this week. Carly, who edged out Kaitlyn with the best
lines of the week drops “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress” before
alleging that Jillian is concealing a phallus larger than Prince Farming’s
under her dress. That was funny. That Carly sure can roll the cob, can’t she? Predictably, Jillian kills it in the race and gets the
date. Chris looked less than happy.
Date with Chris/Jillian. Not exactly a cross fit.
Any date that starts off with “Where do
you see yourself in 5 years?” is doomed to fail. What kind of question is that? Look, I won’t
belabor what was a painful-to-watch date.
Chris couldn’t get a word in for what seemed like hours and Jillian
treated it like another Crossfit workout rather than an opportunity to show
Chris that she’s not just a walking Crossfit workout. It’s a shame, really. I’m sure there’s a sweet side to her. Hyper-competitive types are hyper-competitive for a reason. Whatever she came there to
prove got the best of her. Even when she
got dumped she couldn’t accept defeat.
Bad edit? Maybe. I suspect that it was an accurate one, though.
Cocktail party.
Megan hides a blindfold in her bra as she
carried her melons around to dip in chocolate and not impress him. She’s D.U.M.B., but sweet.
Samantha, who might as well be a blow up
doll at this point, listens attentively to Ashley in her Cinderella dress. Why is she still there? See that under the radar thing earlier in the
blog. She’s gorgeous too. That doesn’t hurt. She’ll be out once the nutjobs get cut
loose.
After all the build up, Ashley I. drops,
“Chris, I’m a virgin.”
His response? “I never would have seen that coming.” Classic.
Topped only by Carly’s “her mouth is not a virgin.” Awesome.
The best part was when modest Becca
showed Ashley the proper way to be a virgin by non-chalantly mentioning that her
hymen is also in tact. Boom.
So what.
Let’s get to Britt, shall we?
Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt
. . . the big game comes down to preparation.
There are some nevers when it comes to The Bachelor franchise. Any of these are tantamount to starting a land war against Russia in the middle of winter.
1. Never
badmouth the other women in front of the Bachelor;
2. Never
insult Lil’ Rikki Hendrix;
3. Never
run to the bathroom and cry until the Bachelor has to come check on you; and
4. NEVER
bust the Bachelor’s balls about kissing the other women.
“Why is that behavior being validated?”
is, I believe, the way she put it. She
blew it. Chris was just too much of an
inarticulate, stuttering fool, to tell her. Why can’t he confront a jealous,
100 pound waitress with a chip on her shoulder?
Unbelievable.
Harrison shows up. Chris finds his voice and drops the “hit the
road if you don’t like it” hammer after Harrison sorts him out.
Roses
1.
Jade
(still in my top 3)
2.
Kaitlyn
(still in my top 3)
3.
Whitney
(meh, nothing special about her)
4.
Carly
(super funny and cool but not his type.
Top 5)
5.
Megan
(her and her boobs will be around for a bit longer)
6.
Samantha
(I’d like to hear her speak next week)
7.
Mackenzie
(she’ll see her daughter soon)
8.
Kelsie
(she’ll be a top 5 as this season’s bad guy)
9.
Becca
(top 3)
10. Ashley I. (teary, dramatic departure will
see her gone top 5)
11. Britt (she’s got some ‘splainin’ to do)
Gone:
Jillian (not a good way to go out. I hope her life is still in tact back home)
Ashley S. (Nuts and she knows it. I hope she evens out her meds)
Nikki (innocuous and uneventful…just like
the Jets she cheered for)
Juelia (It’s not you, it’s me and you
need your daughter speech)
Well, there it is. Some Guy’s top picks are in the game but I’ve
been wrong a lot the past couple of ceremonies.
Chime in on Twitter or in the Comments below. Week five previews portend a Tierra-esque
injury and some more crying. I can’t
wait. In the mean time, if you need me,
I’ll be freshening my eye makeup. DP
