Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Episode One: Thinning the Herd

Amazing Count:  8
Journey Count: 2

Well, we're off and running.  Someone should have informed the ABC Production Team that the series was starting.  That way, they could have shot some updated footage of our latest Bachelorette beginning her (based on the previews) apparently arduous free journey around the world.  Instead, we were forced to endure her lead in from Juan Pablo's season.  

She puts bad guys away, blah, blah, blah.  As I've said before, second year attorneys in any major D.A.'s office spend the majority of their time assisting "Chief" prosecutors in preparing files.  The career path usually involves starting in either municipal or low level misdemeanor court, moving to low level felony and DWI prosecution, and then back down the ladder to a Chief position in a lower court before climbing back up.   I know I'm boring you, but it's worth mentioning.  Even if she's good, she's not trying murder cases.  

Regardless, a beaming Andi tells us how immensely proud she is of her law degree and how passionately she pursues her chosen career defending the rights of innocent . . . (Atlantans?Atlantians? Atlantaners?). . . people from Atlanta like some capeless superhero.  Then she quits her job, trades in her D.A. heels for cork wedges, packs up her office, heads to L.A. and embarks on some Julia Roberts Pretty Woman shopping spree without a care in the world.  So much for the downtrodden Atlantianers.  

She picks up "her" Audi convertible and hits the beach for some self-reflection before meeting with her judgey parents.  The entire time we hear her annoying voice over.  She "like" wants to "like" find true love, ya know?  She was "like" so "like" bummed out when Juan Pablo "like" turned out to be a jerk.  It's going to be a long season if I have to listen to that for the next 10 weeks.  For a high powered Assistant D.A. she's hardly well spoken or articulate.   A la Womack, she resurrects "truly."  I see that guy several times a week, by the way.  He's always at the gym and it's always Chest and Arms day.  Nice guy.  Still single.  I'm sure he's glad his Bach days are over.  Annnyyyhoooo. . . . 

Incidentally, the more I look at Andi and hear her babble the less attractive she is to me.  She's on par with Ashley at this point.  Her head shot was nice last season and she seemed relatively "together."  I'm not so sure anymore.  Dare I say she looked a bit sloppy?  I'll reserve judgment for now, but she's not doing a whole lot for Some Guy.  She's no Emily.  Then again, who is?  

Before Andi gets to move into "her" mansion we learn that ABC will continue its annoying trend of putting former Bachelor "stars" in its mid-show commercials.  I'm happy to know that Desiree will be using Suave products prior to her impending wedding.  Those won't mean anything when her angry brother gets drunk and angrier and ruins the wedding, but that's neither her nor there.  

Harrison gets the boat out of the dock and splits to go do something more fun than watch Andi change clothes multiple times and cry about finding love and kissing boys with her identical sister.  Did anyone else find it impossible to tell them apart?  

It's normally at this point I hit the "pause" button and head to the 'fridge for a Lone Star, which is the only way I can tolerate the lead ins of the contestants as they fake work, fake push up on the lake shore, and fake wander around their respective home towns.  I was pleased beyond words when I realized that the show was 30 minutes shorter and ABC chose to cut the time by cutting that nonsense from the rest of the nonsense.  

The dudes toast in the limo and we get our first inkling that Andrew is probably just as excited about meeting 24 young, athletic, and single men as Andi.  More about that later.  

As always, I'm going to break from chronology and just list the appearances in the same order as my pre-premier post.  It's going to be a good season.  I have lots to work with.  





Andrew, 30, Andrew and Patrick sitting in a tree.  K.I.S.S.I.N.G.  His champagne toast was very Real Housewives and my Gaydar was off the charts.   He all but confirmed it by professing his love and affection for Patrick during the middle of the show.  Dude, you've been selected to meet a woman.  Someone should explain the premise of the show to this guy before he realizes that Patrick has no ability to give him a rose.  He got a rose.  





Bradley, 32, Opera Singer.  There really is no other way to say it.  This guy is a dork.  He got a rose but only because there was one left after Andi eliminated the guys she couldn't stand.  The looks on the faces of the guys while he was opera singing in the mansion were priceless.  





Brett, 29, Hairdresser.  He shows up with a stolen lamp.  Well, it was actually borrowed from the ABC Prop Truck, but who's counting?  He wore a bow tie.  In all fairness, it worked better on him than the other guy.  He seemed charming enough and Andi giggled willingly in his presence.  We all know he's just going on the show to further his hairdressing career.  He got a rose.  




Brian, 27, Basketball Coach.  Either the limo was too hot or his tie was too tight.  His face was as red as Cody's face was orange.  I don't think our Bachelorette was too impressed with his entrance but he seemed to make up for it during his one on one time.  He got a rose.  




Carl, 30, Fireman.  He still strikes me as goofy but his intro was simple and he didn't play up the obvious fireman angle.  He gave Andi a globe with his hometown marked on it to represent their "journey."  Ok, Carl.  I'm sorry I insulted your hoodie.  He might have a shot.  After all, "I run into burning buildings and save puppies" is a lot more intriguing than, "I grow corn in Iowa."  





Chris, 32, Farmer.  Nice hair.  He grows corn in Iowa.  Second out of the limo.  He was shorter than I'd imagined.  Alright, I didn't imagine it but it sounded nice.  He seemed sufficiently Famerish and Iowan.  If Andi isn't partial to upper lips, he'll likely stick around a while.  Modesty is a rarity in this bunch and my sense is that he's not likely to get sucked into the macho d*ck measuring contest that appears to be inevitable based on the previews.  






Cody, 28, Personal Trainer.  Idiot.  He pushes the limo up the softly lighted driveway in an attempt to impress Andi with his muscles.  Feats of strength?  Come on, are women really impressed by those anymore?  It's not like she's going to have to kill her food or fend off bands of marauding Huns.  Nothing he had on fit him and it seems that the only thing he has going for him is just below his skintight clothes.  I hope he proves me wrong.  He was about as orange as  . . . well . . . an orange.  He got a rose.  






Craig, 29, Tax Accountant.  Chucklehead from Denver.  This guy creeped me out.  Yet, (big shock) Andi liked him enough to give him a rose.  She should have given him some Ritalin and had him sit in the corner.  This was the only rose that really surprised me.  Beiber and his snowboard business should have edged this guy out.  Go figure.  




Dylan, 26, Accountant.  Mrs. Some Guy was impressed with this guy's looks but commented "he's quiet and short."  I suppose that's about all that needs to be said about the guy.  To be fair, he's taller than Andi and seemed genuine.  Like many of the others he sported an awkwardly fitting suit and a loud pop-of-color tie.  He was appropriately nervous and his intro didn't contain forced laughter or painful silence.  He got a rose.  Nice work, Russell Crowe look alike guy.   





Emil, 33, Helicopter Pilot.   First of all, if this guy is 33 then I'm the freaking King of Europe.  I know.  That title is nonsense.  So was this guy's entire act.  He actually told her his name is like "Anal with an M".  Dude, that's not the image you want floating around a woman's brain when you're trying to Out Guy a bunch of other guys.  Lesson learned, I suppose.  I guess, like most women, Andi is really not into Emil Sex.  Boom.  





Eric, 31, Explorer.  What a shame.  Good entrance, good gift with a story behind it, and an interesting guy.  Perhaps his family will gain some solace knowing that millions of people now know what they knew for 31 years:  that he was a special person and a decent human being.  





Jason, 35, ER Doctor.  This guy takes the award for Most Awkward Everything. . . by miles.  Dude, how do you mess up "I'm a doctor"?  From his "you must have a fever because you're so hot" to his nervous, looking down at his shoes intro it just went downhill.  He dropped a subtle "I don't have a lot to go home to" behind some teary eyes when he was eliminated.  He's obviously got an issue or two to resolve.  That includes his haircut.  




J.J., 30, Pantsapreneur.  This guy confirmed the fact that my initial annoyance with him was not misplaced.  A bow tie and suspenders?  Look, the rest of his suit fit him, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of the guys, but anyone who isn't Orville Redenbacher, Bill Nye the Science Guy, or in a barbershop quartet should not wear a bow tie and suspenders.  The guy (apparently) designs pants for a living.  You'd think he'd be able to find a pair that wouldn't slide off of his hips in the absence of suspenders.  He also coined the term "love quest."  I won't even dignify that with a response.  He got a rose.  





Josh B., 29, Telecommunication Manager.  "He won’t stand out.  He’ll stand outside . . . waiting for the cab to the airport." --Some Guy in Austin.  I nailed it.  However he should have listened to my advice.  He was one of, what, six guys to get the boot?  He should have politely hugged Andi, wished her well, and then stood outside and waited for his cab.  We all would have forgotten him by the time Andi raised her post-first rose ceremony champagne flute, but nooooooooo.  He cried and whined about how stupid his friend was for signing him up and then pronounced the show stupid as well.  I think we all know that the only one who looked stupid was him.  Can you imagine the shit he's taking from his buddies back home?  Brutal.  




Josh M., 29, Former Baseball Player. Andi bought it hook, line, and sinker.  He's a charming ex-athlete who's likely used his charm and athlete status to woo the pants off countless women.  He might have formerly played baseball but he's not a former player.  That status is current.  He got a rose after leading with "I just moved to Atlanta."  When he's eliminated he can stalk her in her home town.  





Marcus, 25, Sports Medicine Manager.   First out of the limo.  I sensed a bit of a Patrick Bateman from American Psycho vibe.  Andi was clearly impressed when he stepped out of the limo.  My prediction is that this guy is--as we say in Texas-- all hat and no cattle.  For the non-Texans that means he's full of shit.  However, Andi appeared sufficiently bowled over by his pseudo-charm and that means she'll keep him around awhile even if it becomes apparent that he's not GASP! there for the right reasons.  He got a rose.  





Marquel, 26, Sponsorship Salesman.  Third out of the limo.  Aside from that blaring red tablecloth shirt, Marquel brought his A-game.  His intro wasn't too awkward, he let out the requisite number of platitudes, and he got the hell out of the driveway and into the cocktail party before he and Andi were covered in awkward silence.  Rose.





Mike, 29, Bartender.  His entrance was more awful than his haircut.  This guy had zero game and was about as dumb as a bag of Thor's hammers.  No rose.  Still, his brief stint on the show should gain him some favor from some of his female happy hour regulars after a few stiff margaritas.  No rose.  





Nick S., 27, Pro Golfer.  Golf cart entrance in an ill-fitting skinny pants suit and tie combo.  The over-manicured beard is a mirror image of what hair he has remaining on his head and a desperate attempt to stay current.  He was over the top and his entire act came across as insincere to everyone. . . except Andi.  He got a rose.  





Nick V., 33, Software Sales Executive.  Clearly the most uncomfortable in his skin and likely the person with the least reason to be.   His modest, aw shucks routine scored him the First Impression Rose.  We all know that's the kiss of death like the Heisman Trophy or a J.D. Powers Safety Award but I'll admit it was well-deserved.  Andi was shocked at herself for being attracted to someone who was not her "type."  As an aside, this is a HUGE, RECURRING MISTAKE that single women make.  Honing in on a type that over and over again never works out is a horrible decision.  I was glad to see her sort of realize that and give Nick the F.I.R.   He won't win but he could be this season's Ed.  His Midwestern Milwaukee charm will serve him well.  Then again, Jeffery Dahmer was from Milwaukee.




Patrick, 29, Advertising Executive.  He came out of the limo with a soccer ball and was smart enough to see the horror on Andi's face as she relived last season's soccer player fiasco.  I'll give him credit for the symbolic punting of the soccer ball and the nice recovery on the introduction.  As we'd learn later, this guy has options.  If Andi doesn't pick him he can propose to Andrew.  That was weird, wasn't it?  





Ron, 28, Beverage Sales Manager.  He's from Israel  . . . and Barbados.  Nice enough guy with a lot of traveling around the world stories that seemed to intrigue Andi.  That should last a few shows until he runs out of stories.  That's when he'll drop the "my parents have a free house in Barbados and I can travel there any time I want."  Access to a secluded tropical island during the show is one thing.  Access to a secluded tropical island for life is another.  He got a rose.  





Rudie, 31, Attorney.  1 of 2 latent homosexuals.  Actually, he might have been just plain awkward.  The attorney humor and the handwritten 4th Amendment Waiver fell flatter than West Texas.  Hey, Rudie, you know who hates occupational humor?  Lawyers.  Well, all lawyers except you.  I'm sure he's a nice enough guy; however, he clearly didn't possess the requisite alpha-maleness necessary to distinguish himself.  He didn't get a rose.  





Steven, 30, Snowboard Product Developer.  Bitchin’.  I was stoked to see him and totally bummed out he didn't get a rose.  The surfer vibe clearly isn't what Andi is looking for.  He seemed nice enough.  Probably too nice and a little too mute to attract attention.  




Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Planner.  Highwater pants and yellow socks--and that's just from the knee down.  His lock on the fence trick was hokey and I feel sorry for the intern who had to dig the key out of the fountain after they were done filming.  At least he has a personality.  Granted, it's annoying and contrived, but at least it's a personality.  He (incredibly) got a rose.  


The cocktail party was fairly uneventful.  So much so the Producers brought in Chris something or other from Emily's season and pretended like he crashed the party.  I was over it at that point until I sensed there would be a confrontation involving Chris Harrison and (say it with me) the fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her shit after she got caught cheating on Jake at his own cocktail party.  I love it.  That guy should get a spin off series.

Here are a few more observations.

"Nailed it.  Crazy.  Blown Away."  These are this season's Amazings

The men were clearly told to overstate Andi's hotness.  She just didn't look Bachelorette ready to me.

This show appears to be headed toward the Love and Hip Hop Atlanta format.  That is to say it appears that there is going to be a lot of alpha male macho over-the-top nonsense from a few of the meatheads.  That's unfortunate.  Not because it's probably an indicator that this show is headed down the tubes but because we're all going to have to endure it.

Andi has a classic meltdown.  We saw her lamenting how difficult it must be to get 6 weeks off work and take a free, ass kissing trip around the world in the previews.  Frankly, I can't wait to see that.

Well, there it is.  We're out of the gate.  Hit me with your thoughts and comments.  I'm looking forward to a good season.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be wedding planning in my bow tie and suspenders.  DP




   

  

34 comments:

  1. Hilarious, as always. But I disagree on quite a few accounts! I think Andi is hands down the most gorgeous bachelorette, and she seems extremely genuine. I was as impressed with her this week as you were unimpressed.

    Also, I have a feeling Marcus' personality isn't a fake persona he put on. But we'll see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure "unimpressed" is accurate. I said she's getting less attractive to me than she was last season. Genuine? I agree with that. She's a nice person, sincere, and probably fun to be around. Attraction is an odd thing, however. I'm not attracted to her and you apparently are. Fair enough.

      We shall see about Marcus. I think he'll go far. I'm still on the fence. Thanks for the feedback. DP

      Delete
  2. Dear Men, just say no to the gingham look. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gingham in an of itself is not necessarily bad, is it? Perhaps it's just the fact that every guy in the bunch had it on last night? DP

      Delete
  3. Oh please, let this be your new one-arm girl shtick: " If Andi isn't partial to upper lips, he'll likely stick around a while."

    And, bless his heart, Womack is STILL doing 1985 arms and chest days?

    So personal growth lesson of the week- stop dating "my type." Gotcha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Deal, although upper lip jokes are exponentially more difficult to write than loss of arm jokes. As for personal growth tip, yes, I suppose getting out of the "my type" cycle is a good thing. However, don't wander too far off the reservation. Thanks for the comment. DP

      Delete
  4. I'm already tired of hearing Andi say "like" and "y'all." She seems to have become Southern x 10 since she last appeared on TV. It's reminding me a little of Deanna. Ech. She also has some other filler phrase.... "in the end" or "at the end"... Apparently I've managed to block it from becoming an ear worm. Until next week that is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. The Deanna comparison is accurate but she's not as bitchy as Deanna.

      Delete
    2. The thing she keeps saying is, "At the end of the day..." She won't STOP.

      Delete
  5. I will never understand the attraction to the meat heads. No matter how great of shape I am in, I would always feel overly self-aware around a dude that worked out 6 hours a day. Pushing a limo impresses me not. Let's hope he doesn't last too long - clearly she wanted to get all the shag hair cuts out last night so hopefully we will move on to the overly vain next week. Great recap!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting point about the eliminations, KK. As for the meathead thing, I agree but it's not the fact that they look better it's the obsession with appearance and the vanity that accompanies it

      Delete
  6. I'm very worried about this season - I've watched every Bachelor and Bachelorette except for the very first one, and this is the only time I have ever said "wow, what a bunch of losers" as the cavalcade passed through. I also thought that a LOT of them seemed gay. Maybe they get better as the season continues? Sadly, it seemed like the best one may have been the guy who died, but she booted him mid-season so others must appeal to her more. But if Some Guy can watch to recap, I can handle it too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right on, Anon. I'm not sure about gay but definitely feminized. I guess that's what the 20-something's are into these days. I think there are a few good guys in the mix.

      Delete
  7. So happy that you are back, Some Guy. You make this godforsaken series worth it. And to clarify — residents of Atlanta are generally referred to as "Atlantans." Awkward, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew I had an Atlantan in the bunch. Thanks for the clarification. DP

      Delete
  8. The cocktail party was sort of like a gay meet-and-greet.
    Would there ever be a spin of of man-to-man bachelor, in a state that allows those unions. And again, I am a wedding planner - he has no wedding planner, or any kind of planner - vibe. He has a huge earring vibe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hilarious. Valid points as well. Someone sent me a message saying that Tasos is a DJ. That makes perfect sense. DP

      Delete
  9. Hey Apple!! Ha ha. Perfect look-a-like image. Thanks for an excellent recap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Amazing Orange reference. Nice catch. You must have a 10 year old boy.

      Delete
  10. I don't think there will ever be a gay bachelor. Why?

    Because they'd all be too busy hooking up with each OTHER to ever bother with the bachelor. A house filled with handsome, sexy, successful men who happen to also like men? Okay then. Let's get this party started.

    Imagine the humiliation. The bachelor gets down on one knee only to be told that his first choice is in love with his SECOND choice.

    On second thought...that would make some good TV. Bring it on ABC! I Dare You!

    Good to have to back Some Guy. I sorely missed your off-season posts. You need to talk to your bosses about this lawyering business. It's getting in the way of more important things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll let the firm know I need Mondays and Tuesdays off. I'm sure the entire legal system will understand. DP

      Delete
  11. Love your use of chucklehead- didn't know many people knew that one! Why did they round up such a group of dorks, tools, and gay men for cute Andi? She needs an Andrew Firestone or even Brad Womack!

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's a given that you will be funny but I really liked what you said about Eric. Very classy.
    Sal in Utah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's not get carried away. Classy is a big word and it's one not often associated with Some Guy. Thanks for the sentiment though.

      Delete
  13. Please keep including contestant photos for several more weeks -- it takes a long time to distinguish them as individuals. As a children's librarian, I recommend this books for all your fruits-and-vegetables-as-people needs: http://www.arthuralevinebooks.com/book.asp?bookid=36

    Love the blog -- you and Lincee keep me watching!

    ChrisP

    ReplyDelete
  14. Favorite line of the recap:

    Andi liked him enough to give him a rose. She should have given him some Ritalin and had him sit in the corner.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's nice for the Bachelorette to be on just to have you back. Loved the orange reference to Cody, he has overdone the spray tan. And that hair cut? Could he look any sillier? Got a few gay vibes from some of the guys, it looks you will have plenty of material to make fun off in the upcoming weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I honestly think the only reason I continue to watch this ridiculous show is so that I can read your recaps!!! Pardon the law reference, but the jury is still out for me on this group of guys....and I have to agree with you - I had high hopes for Andi but this first episode didn't leave me with the same impression I had of her at the end of last season and if she continues to say "ya'll", I just may have to slit my wrist with a dull knife. GAH!!!

    Looking forward to next week...sort of....

    Rose in OC

    ReplyDelete
  17. Was that a label on Cody's jacket sleeve???? Good thing if it was, because it certainly didn't fit him and now he can return it. I read somewhere that Josh M is a finalist - thought it strange that he only mentions what he formerly was..... anyway, I wasn't at all impressed, he came off full of himself to me.
    Thank heaven for your recaps some guy, it's the only reason for any sane person to watch this nonsense!
    B in NY

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can we NOT have spoilers here...

      Delete
  18. Josh is going to win!! Hands down!

    Andi has got it together however, she MUST get rid of that "y'all" every time she starts to speak. Also, I cant take her pouty lip.. And 1 more thing she does OFTEN.. is "STOPPP!"when she hears a compliment to her or in general conversation!

    Altho, for the most part...I think she has class, she is smart, has a mean streak to her when needed and would make beautiful babies with Josh. She is no pushover and not desperate. (Not overly crazy about her dad but he is just protecting his kid)

    Their is something weird in the fact that I feel gaydar from 3 of these guys.

    Cody (the body builder lookin' guy) is freaky! Chris is a nice guy but comes off as way too desperate and is a turn off to me.. also there is something about that perpetual smile on his face... and where is his upper lip?

    JOSH actually has NO competition! *I just hopes he calms down a bit but he is super good looking and he will BE THE FINAL ONE STANDING!

    ReplyDelete
  19. If Mike and Jason would have CUT their hair... they may have had a chance. But who wants to marry a Bartender!? Not. Josh is the only competition other than ERIC.. Want a shame for Eric that is just so hard to fathom! Sweet guy.. Total package except too much daredevil in him innately. Taco or Tsao whatever his name is .. is not into women. Sorry WTF with the gays! Andi... STOP saying STOP! Please STOPPPPl ugh

    ReplyDelete
  20. Doesn't Josh's slippery charm remind you of Ryan from Emily's season?

    ReplyDelete