Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Andi Episode 2: The Chucklehead takes a Dive


Amazing 27
Journey 2

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to our weekly installment of Some Guy’s take on this week’s Bachelorette nonsense.  I suppose we all have no one to blame but ourselves but from last week’s comments a lot of you apparently blame me for “having” to watch the show. 

Before we begin, it’s worth noting that the Amazing Count is off the charts.  Keep in mind that we’re still a half hour shy of normal programming time.  ABC, of course, has generously resolved that problem for us by insisting on 4 hours of a soon-to-be beleaguered Andi whining into her Chardonnay before projecting her frustration on to the remaining hapless, horny, metrosexuals cock fighting for her attention.  Sigh, getting your ass unapologetically kissed while receiving a free trip around the world is such hard work.  Bless her for doing it so the rest of us don’t have to.  Whatever. 

The Journey Count, on the other hand, is at an anemic 2.  To be fair, the actual journey hasn’t started and, as we know from previous seasons, the fake plane graphic that inevitably makes it into the show is inversely related to a lack of Journey references.  Stay tuned.  Now, let’s get to it.  

I’m calling a big, fat double standard on this show a lot of times during this damn episode.  First, Andi wakes up fully clothed (ill-fitting bra and all) and brushes her teeth before donning a different ill-fitting bra and wandering around reflecting about her remaining dudes.  By this time in Andy (‘member him?) Baldwin’s season, we’d have seen him shower, work out, shower again, and shave in the mirror in a towel before showing again for good measure.  Equality, my ass.  I hope you’re all satisfied wallowing in your deep hypocrisy.  Is a frosted shower door and some creative blocking too much to ask for crying out loud? 

We head to the MAN-sion where Chris and his severely gelled Iowa farm hair feign a lack of panic at the loss of his upper lip.  He’d prove himself a decent enough guy, albeit as green as the dress Andi wore on their date, but decent nonetheless.  Chris is to upper lips what Sarah was to right arms. 

The other dudes sit around in their Juicy hoodies and sip bloody marys before Harrison shows up untucked after a night on the town, refers to Andi as “one of the best,” and drops the date card.  Boom.  He’s out.  Unfortunately, he’s painfully aware of what lies ahead for him in the group date.  Unfortunately for us, we weren’t. 

“Eric, Love is everywhere,” it reads as the entire Bachelorette nation let out a collective “that’s so sad,” when we all saw Eric’s bright, humble smile and what appeared to be legitimate excitement.  I’m not going to comment much on the date except to say I think we all agree that he seemed like a decent, down-to-earth guy with real perspective, life goals, and a respect for women.  How he got cast on the show is a mystery.  Was it just me or did that dinner conversation signify the first instance when an actual substantive conversation occurred on this show?  As I said before, what a shame.  He’s like a non-homosexual version of Ames.   

Andi pulls up to the mansion in “her” Audi in her flowy tank top and shorts as half the guys un-shirt themselves upon seeing her arrival.  Tasos was astute enough to wear his morning earrings, you know, to impress her with his penchant to flawless accessorization and Cody sits there looking like the artificially tanned love child of Macklemore and Sean Lowe. 








Eric and Andi head out for a great day at the beach and a helicopter ride into the mountains for some snowboard lessons from this season’s annoying trend of gravy-training past losers who long for the daily minimum now that they have SAG cards.  Some dude named Vito pops in for a cock-block but Eric can snowboard already.  

He got a rose as the entire Bachelorette nation let out a collective sigh and a “that’s so sad” before sadly sipping their chardonnay then immediately un-retracting their claws at the sight of Deanna Pappas in a Suave commercial.  She’s quickly approaching Ryan and Trista in the Milking the Franchise for All It’s Worth Category.  She still came across as bitchy, didn’t she?  

Group date card.  Tasos puts his afternoon earrings on, you know, to impress Andi with his penchant for flawless accessorization.  By the way, despite the fact that there is no resemblance whatsoever, for whatever reason he reminds me of Pitbull.  You know Pitbull.  Mr. Worldwide. Mr. 305. 





I know that because he tells me that in the lead in to every one of his shitty songs.  Why is the fact that he’s Mr. Worldwide a condition precedent to listening to him rap in Cuban or whatever?   Does he even have his own album?  Every time my display pops up with his name on it it’s preceded by the word “Featuring.”  Apparently, this guy will jump into any song for a price.  

Why is he “featured?” Is that a requirement to being Mr. Worldwide?  How can be simultaneously claim to be Mr. Worldwide while constraining himself to a Miami area code?  Look, I know we’ve got a reality show to discuss but any feedback would be appreciated.   

“Ryan, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., Dylan, Let’s Bare our souls.” 

OHM Nightclub is the venue.  We’d learn that OHM is an acronym for Overly Humiliated Men.  It’s also the place where I was forced to watch these guys debase themselves by oiling up and stripping for Andi and a couple of other recycled ex-contestants with nothing better to do. 

To be fair, Kelly was there to keep an eye on Chris’ lip.  To make it even more demeaning, we were treated with both audio and subtitles of such gems as “wow, look at the packages” and “he can teach me to ride.”  You have to love a lady, don’t you?    

And for all of you feminists out there let me just ask a question.  If Brad Womack had taken the women to Scores Nightclub and had them dress up like French maids, school girls, and Girl Scouts so they could learn to pole dance for Brad and a bunch of his friends while they made sexually charged comments about the women before tipping them in the name of “it’s for a good cause,” do you think you would have been fine with it? 

The best line in that whole demeaning date was from Carl.  “I’m an actual firefighter and I’m in the firefighter group.”  The defeated look on his face was priceless.    

Craig, well on his way to this season’s record BAC, stuffs his pants.  He should have stuffed that cloth in his mouth.  It would have done him more good. Marcus, clearly the front runner in Andi’s mind, got the big solo.  Basically, he dressed up like Jake Pavelka and rolled around stage like a bonobo monkey for a few minutes.  He got the date rose and, frankly, he deserved it. 

Post-stripping cocktail party.


Josh M., clearly another favorite of Andi, shows up in a vest.  I think those of you who have been with me a while remember when Womack showed up in a vest on his season my aversion to the vest became apparent.  Ergo, I will now shower you in vest jokes.

A vest?  Is he dealing blackjack later?  Is he a magician?  Does he play stand up bass in a jazz band?  A vest?  Does he shop at Vests R Us? Was there a sale at Wild Wild Vest?  If he wrote a date card it would say Dear Andi, the Vest is Yet to Come.  Is he an in-VEST-ment banker?    

Alright, that’s enough with the vest jokes.  Feel free to send in your own.  Don’t be shy.  Remember, just do your vest. 

Chris tries to maintain a stiff upper lip but can’t contain his enthusiasm when he learns he’s the recipient of the last one-on-one date.  J.J. cries in his red pants and Andrew longs for a morning spoon session from Patrick. 

Meanwhile, the Opera guy attempts to woo her with some opera.  She’s polite but was less impressed than we were.  As an aside, let me say that Andi looked much better this week than she did last week.  She seemed more relaxed.  However, her whole affect is off-putting to me.  I just don’t find her that attractive.  Sure, I’d approach her in a bar; however, I doubt I’d ask her out after hearing her talk.  Add in her palilalia (Google it) and I’d probably be driven crazy if forced to hang out with her, try a case against her, or argue in front of a judge beside her.  Any of these sound familiar?

“Stahhhhhp.”

“At the end of the day.”

“Nailed it.”

“It’s so crazy.”

I could go on.  It’s like Womack’s “truly I do, I mean it”.  I’ll give her a pass on “y’all,” which is apparently a thorn in some of your sides based on the comments last week.  That’s a colloquialism.  It’s different. 

I use it and, frankly, I don’t hear it anymore.  It’s like having a child.  After a while you become immune to screaming children to the point where you can sit in a room full of them and concentrate on the adults in the room.  No kids?  All you hear is children screaming.  I suppose a comparison for me is when I travel to the East Coast and I hear “you’se guys” or the incredibly liberal and creative use of the word “f*ck.”  You get he picture. 

Craig was hammered.  She handled herself really well but was clearly horrified.  “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” is perhaps the best one-on-one time question ever uttered on the show.  Where was (say it with me) the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party?    

Instead we again have to settle for the poor low-level producer guy in Buddy Holly glasses that had to deal with the “party crasher” Chris Bukowski on the first episode.  Short straw, dude, but nice work getting his drunk ass back to the mansion and away from Andi’s semi-virginal loins. 

Andi bitches at the guys about Craig’s behavior.  I believe psychiatrists refer to that as Transference.  It’s not their fault Chucklehead became a bigger Chucklehead after a few dozen pops at the strip show.  That, by definition, is what Chuckleheads do.    

She loves Marcus.  I don’t see it but Marcus gets the rose.  He’s a Fantasy Suite finalist unless he’s the one with the alleged girlfriend that sets off Hurricane Andi next week.  The only question is will he get the first crack at Andi’s semi-virginal loins or will Josh M?  We shall see, shan’t we? 

Iowanna take you to the race track.  Chris date. 

Look, I’ve pegged Nick as this season’s Ed, which means he’s lacking the body and the charm of the alphas in the house but will likely do well.  Along the same lines, Farmer Chris has potential to crack the top 5 if he tones down the naiveté.  I’ll give him credit, however.  Andi asked him some tough questions and he did more than pay them lip service.  He couldn’t help but smile. 

I never thought I’d say this but thank God for bowties.  The goofy shirt and short shorts he wore to meet Andi in her Billie Holliday hair and Kelly green dress had “I’m from Iowa” written all over them.  They were as short as his upper lip.    

He was nervous, honest, and sincere.  I’d like to see him man up a bit more but I think the contrast he poses next to Josh M.’s testosterone seeping frame will allow her to appreciate him.  She recognized his sincerity and seemed to appreciate it too.  Chris gets a rose.  

They wander over for “one more surprise” and see a band called “This Wild Life” in their very own personal concert.  The band guys might have been Amish and castrated.  One of them was definitely related to the president of the network.  Do we really need another guy with a beard who sounds like Dave Matthews?  I thought Mumford and Sons had cornered that market.  Apparently not.  I listened as Chris and Andi swayed to a beat different than the song.  Chris was careful not to approach the lip of the stage.  I waited for Pitbull to tell me he was Mr. Worldwide and Mr. 305 before jumping into the song.  He was apparently featured somewhere else that evening. 

Oh, and don’t think I don’t appreciate the irony of the guy with no upper lip getting the first kiss of the season.  That’s like having Sarah throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.  Annyyyhooo . . .

Cocktail party.  Andi shows up in a rhinestone get up.  I’ll say it again, she looked very pretty until she opened her mouth.    

Nick V. takes matters into his own hands with some free champagne and drops some heavy questions on her. 

I wasn’t sure what was going on with Marquel’s mismatched shirt, tie, and socks combination.  Is that a thing now like Hunter boots after Princess Kate wore them or the bang braid after Emily’s season?   At first I thought he was colorblind then I realized he was just blind.  Props to him on owning it, though.    

Josh lays it on thick.  Very thick.  He’s approaching Marcus on her Giggle Meter.  

Chucklehead drops “I was a drunk idiot” before pulling out he guitar and singing a forced apology.  He’s no Wes Hayden. She politely lets him finish but had neither the time to care about it nor the inclination to accept it.  Nice try, Chucklehead.  The good news is that he’s sober.  So at this point he’s just an idiot.  At least he's got that going for him.  

Harrison ding dings and the ceremony commences.   

1.              Eric
2.              Chris
3.              Marcus
4.              Ron
5.              Dylan
6.              J.J.
7.              Marquel
8.              Andrew
9.              Tasos (in his evening earrings)
10.           Josh M.
11.           Cody
12.           Nick V.
13.           Patrick
14.           Brian
15.           Brett
16.           Bradley


Nick, Craig, and Fireman Carl get the boot.  Carl was upset he’d been forced to dress up like a fireman and strip and even more upset that his Ryan Gosling imitation fell flat.  Did those glasses even have any glass in them? 

Nick S. tries to hold it together and, for the most part, does.  Both of them lost with enough class to pull some chicks back home and dodge their buddy’s jokes.  Andi drops a “I just couldn’t get past it” on Craig.  Classic.  I think we all know that’s not the first time that guy has made an idiot out of himself.  He might as well just put on an orange wig and some giant red shoes before he leaves his efficiency apartment every night.  Chucklehead, indeed.  I shall miss thee, Craig.  I hope you find Mrs. Chucklehead. 

Well, there it is.  With 4 (yes, 4) hours of the Bachelorette to look forward to next week, we move toward a GoPro filled plane ride to exotic destinations.  Can Brett the hairdresser rally?  Can Brian the Coach stand out amongst the men?  Will a bitter ex-girlfriend show up and ruin someone’s nascent pro wrestling career?  Give me your thoughts.  Until next time, if you need me I’ll be fake tanning with Macklemore . . . featuring Pitbull.  DP











46 comments:

  1. Enjoyed your recap as usual, don't know how you come up with consistently funny remarks week after week. However that said, I have to take exception to your statement that when you travel to the east coast you hear "you'se guys". I've lived here for many more years than you've been alive and never heard it. I'll give you f*ck tho'
    B in NY

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    1. Really? You must not hang out in the seedy East Coast establishments I do. Still, I'll defer to your geography. Oh, and I'm not sure you're accurate on your assumption on "many more years than I've been alive" but I'll take that as a compliment! DP

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  2. I loved seeing Marquel’s insane shirt / tie / socks combo, and thinking, "Damn, Some Guy is never gonna let that go without comment."

    Also: I can't believe Cody has actually hung on for two episodes now. Andi's judgment is clearly suspect.

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    1. She'll get to Cody. Just wait. I cannot wait for a one on one date. Maybe he's a crying on the inside kind of meat head. I'll reserve judgment on that portion of him but the outside certainly screams for attention. DP

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  3. As soon as I saw that strip show I knew you would have something to say about it! And I agree that you are correct, there is a double standard. And yes if one of the bachelors took the girls out to learn how to pole dance that would have been much worse in my opinion. So I sat here thinking about why that would be worse and this is what I came up with: It has to do with the world's double standard. A girl says she was a stripper in college and immediately everything thinks she is a trampy slut. A guy says he was a stripper in college and people barely blink. They might think oh, he must be hot or wow, good way to make some cash. So I guess I am buying into the world's ridiculous stereotype of men can be young and wild and women should act like ladies.
    That aside I loved this recap! Great jokes and dead on observations. I don't know if I can sit through 4 hours next week, but I will try.

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    1. Not sure I agree with that. Male strippers are like either Liza Minnelli fans or slime bags. I don't think there's a middle ground there. But yes, you are correct about the double standard. Oh, and cry me a river about having to sit through the 4 hours. I have to sit through it and then write about it! The things I do for the fans, sigh. DP

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    2. Lucky me, I'll be on vacation so I don't have to watch it! Will definitely be checking your blog on Friday though....don't forget any of the good stuff!!!
      B in NY

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  4. Just to clarify - I didn't actually watch the episode on Monday night because I knew it had the stripping group date. So, yes, there are some women out there who find it repulsive that those guys were forced into that for 'charity' HAH.

    Anywho, glad for the recap, now I'm all caught up for next week.

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    1. Fair enough. We're all free to simply turn the channel, I suppose. Thanks for sticking it out on the blog though. DP

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  5. Two things:

    I yelled at the TV when Andi talked about how mortified she was stripping down last season....but she's A-Okay with having them strip down while she makes comments about it with her "friends". Double standard indeed.

    The best part of it all, though, was homeskillet during the closing credits with the robot head. I had no idea who that guy was when he left but then he pulled the robot outtake and I decided that she made a huge mistake. We need that guy back in there for comic relief! I suddenly joined Team WhoeverThatWas.

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  6. non-homosexual version of Ames. love. Alisa in CO :)

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    1. Glad to amuse you, Alisa. We should hook up Ames with the Pantreprenur.

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  7. 1. Tasos=Pitbull!!!!!
    Hopefully he's less of a world wide pervert.

    2. Josh M. totally WILL break her heart- he's the Bentley of the show.

    3. Andi's "Stahhhhhp" is actually kind of rude, she seems like she's mocking what's being said. Plus it's obviously very annoying.
    Would ya'll agree?

    Sara

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    1. Tasos is headed directly for the title of Mr. Limoride...straight to the airport

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  8. I needed a good laugh today and got it with the lovechild bit. I totally see Sean in Cody but Macklemore had the tears of laughter flowing. And of course, the lip eye, arm jokes. You are good, as always.
    ~Cariss

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    1. Yea, I need to tone those down a bit. That ship has sailed. I'll stick to Cody from now on. DP

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  9. Palilalia - I googled it. Thanks for the vocab lessons! Great recap!

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    1. Square peg in a round hole but it's good for a laugh. Glad you learned something. DP

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  10. So glad you mentioned "What's the worst thing about your parents". That made the episode for me! That guy looked like the gay guy from Melrose Place- remember him? Anyway, thanks again for the many laughs. I especially enjoy the Kelly-eye. Chris-lip brand of humor- does that make me mean spirited??

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    1. Me, too, Meg! Andi-- "You can ask me anything!" Chucklehead-- "What's the worst thing about your parents? Boom!" I nearly died laughing.

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  11. Was Josh M. Waiting for Andi in the vestibule? He was invested in their discussion and I liked that!

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  12. I'm sure Sarah would give you a high five on this write-up (if she could). Spot on to all. And for a Southern gal like me, the y'alls just fly over my head. Maybe we'll hear some "bless your heart"s soon. Thanks so much for pouring your heart and soul in this to entertain us. You're the only reason I watch. Josh in the boom-boom room fantasy suite -- along with Marcus -- count on it! Marti in Dallas

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    1. Agreed. However, I still maintain that Texas is the Southwest and not The South. Huge difference, although, Dallas technically hits the Bible Belt so you're good. DP

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    1. Maybe you should start your own blog. DP

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  14. DP, loved the Sean and Macklemore combo comment and loved the vest jokes! Also, loved the Tasos Mr. Limoride in the comment section :)
    I don't see anything wrong with Chris' lip though! Guys aren't supposed to have big full lips like a woman!!
    Amber

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  15. I am still snoozing after that episode -have a hard time keeping these guys straight -as I am sure some of them are having a hard time being straight
    It was cringe worthy watching the strip tease for charity-would love to know how much they raised in such a sleazy manner.
    I have never walked on snow in my flip flops so that was very bizarre. The horse race date was sort of cute but I kept wondering which producer's parents those were who asked Andi and Chris how long they have been dating. The producers probably love it when somebody gets out of control with all that alcohol but I would not want my tax accountant to be that out of control.
    You have your work cut out for you to watch and comment on 4 hours of this at one time so don't you get out of control with the Lone Stars.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal, you may not want your accountant drunk and out of control but that doesn't apply to your favorite blogger. DP

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    2. Lol! Great comment..

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  16. I think we need to add in a count for "epic" she said that one too many times for me!

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  17. SGIA, your recaps are my favourite. I love your jokes. This one was my fave and made me burst out laughing (at work no less): I waited for Pitbull to tell me he was Mr. Worldwide and Mr. 305 before jumping into the song.

    Honourable mention goes to the glasses not having any glass in them.

    Nailed it.

    PS I live in Ontario Canada and we use f*** quite liberally. I say it almost as much as I say "the". lol

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    1. Belinda, Pitbull makes me laugh every time I see him too. DP

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  18. I laughed so hard at your Macklemore + Sean Lowe comment that I woke up my boyfriend. You're hilarious. Can't wait for next recap.

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    1. Kayla, I'm glad I could brighten your night. Please apologize to your boyfriend for me. DP

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  19. Cody is my favorite (even though he's got zero chance). Your Macklemore/Sean Lowe observation is spot on! Hilarious.

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  20. I enjoy your blog as it is hilarious and typically spot on. I can't wait to see the one from the 2-night episode. Not only was I stunned of what the drama was based on the clips. I have to give kuddos to Eric for calling Andi out. You could tell he wasn't trying to be offensive. I was insulted the network stated they were dedicating the season to him & had Andi come back to talk about the episode. Who cares what she thinks. She didn't seem remorseful he was gone. She seemed more upset she couldn't address it on After the Final Rose. It saddens me such a kind man is gone. Hopefully his family finds comfort he was a kind, generous, adventurous man and left too soon doing what he loved.

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  21. ^^ I agree with the previous comment! I'm anxious to read your take and I love that Eric called Andi out and left the show with his head held high. The Chris/Andi talk was so awkward and she seemed irritated and bothered to be there. kp

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  22. Where are you? We're missing you commentary from not one, but two episodes! Coming soon to a monitor near us?

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  23. I love reading your recaps, always funny and spot on. Your powers of observation are super-human. But the correct spelling is "youze guyz". xoxo Some Chick in Boston

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