Well hello, Readers. Yea, I know. I still owe you that post-Easter post I promised. All I can tell you is that it’s not for a lack of caring that it didn’t make it to print. The lawyerin’ business is busy these days and I just haven’t had the time (more accurately, the energy) to sit down and write. Hopefully, you’ve all been well over the past couple of months. The good news is that I’m back. The better news is that the profiles of the 25 raging metrosexuals vying for a potential shot at maybe one day becoming sort of engaged to our nubile bachelorette are posted.
Before I give you the pre-premier rundown, I’d like to thank the ABC Casting Department, the ABC Wardrobe Department, and whoever airbrushed the headshots. Your diligent work is tantamount to teeing up a softball on a pee wee field and then asking me to hit it over the fence with an aluminum bat. Now, let’s get to it.
Andrew, 30, Social Media Marketer. He looks normal enough. Cool, current job and comparatively benign head shot. He hates it when a girl talks incessantly about herself and not enough about him. That has the potential to bring up some PTFSD (Post Traumatic Fantasy Suite Drama) from Andi. This guy is probably boring enough to make it past the first cocktail party.
Bradley, 32, Opera Singer. Haven’t we been down this road before? There are some major differences between this opera singer and last season’s opera singer. For instance, Sharleen never wore pink and was comfortable with her masculine side. This guy wears pink, dresses up and sings in theaters for a living, and loves Opera News Magazine. I’ll go out on a limb and say Andi’s dad might have less in common with him than he did Juan Pablo. On the plus side, both Sharleen and Bradley like men.
Brett, 29, Hairdresser. Good Lord. Women go to the salon to complain about their husbands, not try and turn their hairdresser into one. That’s like me heading to Hooters to propose to the hostess. I suppose it’s possible for him to overcome the stereotypes that fit his job title, but the Captain and Tennille sweater and Bob’s Big Boy hairdo aren’t exactly helping. His favorite “actor” is Ryan Reynolds. Like the hair he styles, he’ll be cut.
Brian, 27, Basketball Coach. He’s the first one out of the gate who loves The Notebook. Again, normal enough looking guy with an innocuous profile and a job that lends itself to caring about children. If she’s not into money (and she doesn’t appear to be) he might stick around for a bit unless she can’t hear him over his loud, lime green t-shirt. I’ll even give him a pass on picking John Grisham as his favorite author. He might as well have said, “I love the stories in my coloring book.”
Carl, 30, Fireman. A hoodie, Carl? Come on. Is he 5? He’s a goofy looking dude who not only knows what a Lotus is, he counts it as his favorite flower. That’s fantastic. He and the opera guy should have some conversation starters aside from, “which one of us do you think will bang her in the Fantasy Suite?”
Chris, 32, Farmer. Nice hair. His biggest date fear is Accidental Diarrhea. I’ll have to assume he’s referring to his own spastic anus and not his date’s. I’ll applaud him from coming back from what was likely a horrifying farm equipment accident. Apparently, he lost his upper lip. Let’s hope they don’t talk this guy into getting out of the limo wearing overalls and holding an ear of corn.
Cody, 28, Personal Trainer. Man, where do even begin with this guy? He apparently borrowed his little sister’s yellow pocket tee and went to the Ed Grimley School of Hairstyling. His favorite book is My Side of the Mountain. Nice try, Cody. I suppose we’re all supposed to believe he’s into coming-of-age books involving young boys but I think we all know it means he hasn’t read anything but the labels on his 1 gallon creatine supplement powder buckets since grade school. I hope Andi keeps you around long enough so you can take your shirt off at the pool. Just don’t dive in. It would take the ABC interns weeks to clean up the slick of hair product on the water surface. #exxonvaldez.
Craig, 29, Tax Accountant. He’s a waifier version of Brian Austin Green who counts numbers in Iowa for a living. I almost fell asleep typing that sentence. Andi is likely to do the same before he even gets to the word “Iowa.”
Dylan, 26, Accountant. He’s a young, less pudgy version of Russell Crowe with a penchant for balance ledgers and a fear of his date being mute and having an awkward time. If he stays away from the accounting babble and plays the Russell Crowe angle he’ll stick around. His favorite drink is apple juice. Maybe he can borrow Carl’s hoodie and eat a grilled cheese sandwich on his way to the bounce house place in his car seat.
Emil, 33, Helicopter Pilot. He loves twerking and thinks it’s romantic to give his girlfriend of 3 months a card with a description of everything they’ve done since the day they met. Where I’m from that’s referred to as stalking. ABC will be glad to have this guy around. He’ll save them the cost of 10 helicopter pilots over the course of the season. The macho job and the stories that inevitably go with it should keep him around a while unless he’s a chach.
Eric, 31, Explorer. This is the guy who passed away in a paragliding accident. Frankly, he’s a normal, good looking guy who died way too young. That’s a shame. The upside is that he apparently died doing something he loved. Let’s pray his family takes some comfort in that. I’m sure ABC will overdo it with the “A member of the Bachelor Family passed away” montage, but let’s give them some leeway. This isn’t exactly par for the course.
Jason, 35, ER Doctor. Good job, good smile, stupid hair. He looks like Prince Valiant for crying out loud. This guy has Andi’s dad’s favorite son-in-law written all over him. That should get him some traction. Just get a haircut, doc. Maybe talk to Brett before the cocktail party.
J.J., 30, Pantsapreneur. Hey, J.J. F-you for making me type “pantsapreneur”. . . twice. Between the Jacques Cousteau-esque sweater and looking like Tony Robbins' illegitimate son, you could at least spare me the made-up career title.
Josh B., 29, Telecommunication Manager. Pink shirt and boring behind the eyes. He won’t stand out. He’ll stand outside . . . waiting for the cab to the airport.
Josh M., 29, Former Baseball Player. First of all, being a “former” anything does not constitute a “current” occupation. Second of all, did the ABC Wardrobe Department take all of these guys’ shirts and wash them in hot? He appears to be wearing a collared wetsuit.
Marcus, 25, Sports Medicine Manager. Vague career description aside, this guy is a tool. The five-o’clock shadow is two hours out of control, the profile is about as generic as it gets, and the meticulously manicured blonde hair is a bit too Aryan for my tastes. He also doesn’t consider himself “the party starter.” Translation, he’s about as exciting as a tax accountant from Iowa.
Marquel, 26, Sponsorship Salesman. Finally, a guy who can pull of a flashy sport coat. He’s on the younger side but he’s got a Master’s degree and a confident look about him. Andi might be interested, but he won’t be.
Mike, 29, Bartender. Poor man’s Chris Hemsworth. He loves his job because it’s fun and easy and he gets to meet lots of people (read "women") and has summers off to travel. He also skis or snowboards every day. Wow. He has settling down for marriage written all over him. This guy’s greatest achievement was Chris Hemsworth getting cast as Thor. I’ll bet you 50 bucks I know what Mike was for Halloween last year.
Nick S., 27, Pro Golfer. He looks like Adam Levine’s older, balding brother. And what's with the fake dog tags? The over-groomed facial hair and tiny purple v-neck don’t exactly scream manliness. If she’s into metrosexual “pro”golfers he’ll do well.
Nick V., 33, Software Sales Executive. He’s way too homely to not be rich. His profile implies that he’s smarter than the stupidity he’ll be required to bathe in this season. He wishes he “could be some sort of performer or something.” Hey, Nick. You’d better figure out that whole performance thing just in case you make it to the Fantasy Suite. He could be this season’s Frank. ‘Member that guy?
Patrick, 29, Advertising Executive. His profile says he played pro soccer. Know why he’s not a “former pro soccer player”? Because he has a job. That’s a good start. Normal guy with a normal profile. I’ll look past the aqua shirt. At least it fits him. He also shaves. That should distinguish him from the rest of these bozos.
Ron, 28, Beverage Sales Manager. Also known as “the other black guy”. Like the first black guy, he’s a good looking guy with a confident smile and a job. He also appears to have big connections in the Caribbean, which means he might be worth hanging out with for a while. If Andi ditches him, perhaps Harrison will befriend him. He hates it when his date “tries too hard.” Based on her showing in the Fantasy Suite last season, I doubt he’ll have any problems with Andi.
Rudie, 31, Attorney. Pink undershirt guy who could be a stand in for David Copperfield. He went on a surfing trip with his Uncle Mitch and he used the word “amazing” in his profile. Did anyone else find Rudie with an “IE” annoying or is it just me? That’s just sillie.
Steven, 30, Snowboard Product Developer. Bitchin’. He surfs and snowboards for a living and loves to teach kids to surf and snowboard. I hope this guy wins. His hair is job-appropriate. He gets a pass. I hope he makes it to the Fantasy Suite.
Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Planner. Are they serious with this guy? My guess is that he’s not going to be planning a wedding with Andi. Tasos?
Well, there it is. I’m looking forward to a lot of material this season. Do women Andi’s age really look for over-trimmed, over-ironed, and over-feminized guys like these? John Wayne would be so upset. Hell, I’m upset about it.
As always, thanks for either sticking around or checking back in just in time for the big season. Follow me on Twitter @someguyinaustin or drop me a note in the comment section below. We’ll talk soon. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be washing my colorful, v-neck undershirts in scalding hot water while simultaneously trimming my facial hair into sharp angles. DP