Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Andi Episode 5: Merci Bull Sh*t

Hello, Readers.  Yea, I know.  Another broken promise.  Ironically, the reason I break this promise is so I can keep all of the other ones ahead of it.  You know, the ones that pay the bills.  Believe me, if this little project paid the bills, I'd write every day.  Justice never sleeps, folks, and lately neither have I.

As long as I'm airing my bad news, let me share some other bad news.  I watched last night's episode but--for the first time in the history of the blog--got so bored with the show, I stopped taking notes.  That left me a bit despondent realizing that I'm tasked with the duty of entertaining you but I've now embraced the fact that I'm unencumbered by convention.  In short, I'm going to wing it this week and I'm excited about where it will take me.

But first, a couple of housekeeping items.

First, I'm sure all of you www.ihategreenbeans.com fans are painfully aware that the 10th anniversary of the release of The Notebook is upon us.  Nicholas Sparks is the J.K. Rowling of chick books and--unfortunately for every straight man in America--he shows no signs of slowing down.  


NOTICE ALLI'S WEDDING RING.  IT'S SO ROMANTIC TO CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND, ISN'T IT?

For those of you who have been with Lincee and me for a while now, you'll recall that I wrote a post about The Notebook from a guy's perspective in 2011.  That post constitutes the one time in our entire friendship when Lincee has been mad at me.  Rather than lash out, she wrote a point-by-point response to my attack of the Holy Grail that is The Notebook.  In honor of the anniversary, we're going to link to those posts on Sunday, the big 10th anniversary.  Revisit and enjoy.  We look forward to another vigorous debate.

Second, check this out.


She's got a memoir.  You know, like Churchill and Nabokov.  

Good for her for cashing in.  I'm a capitalist and I don't blame her for taking it where she can get it.  That is, after all, the same situation she put herself in with Ben, isn't it?  If nothing else, she's consistent.  Hell, if I had sex with Ben Flanjik I'd want to parlay that into some quick coin as well.  She's a published author and I'm not.  Justice might not sleep but it apparently takes a nap every now and then.    

Enjoy your filthy money, Courtney.  You earned it.  With all that new cash you'll have no problem stocking up on cranberry juice and AZO Standard.

Incidentally, I love the fact that 90% of you get that joke, the other 10% are Googling it, and all 100% of you are wondering how in the hell I know that.  Annnnyyyyhoooo . . . 

As for the last three shows, where do I begin?  

How about here?  Andi sucks.  

Look, I know there are a lot of you who have commented that she's "real" and "down to earth" and one of you even commented that she's the "most stunning bachelorette of all time."  Let's not get carried away.  She's marginally attractive at best.  

Also, I realize the female psyche is not as attuned to recognizing the characteristics of a ball buster, but trust me, Andi is a ball buster.  Her "would you tell me if I was your wife," comment is a more subtle example but if there's any doubt just go back to her post Fantasy Suite rant about Juan Pablo last season.  

I'd point to her "career" choice as another example of her domineering personality, but she's apparently quit her job and moved to L.A. full time based upon an article I saw on TMZ yesterday.  So much for saving the streets of Atlanta.  She's a lawyer like Ali worked for Facebook or Ashely was a dentist.  Maybe Jake Pavelka can fly her home from L.A. to visit her . . . oh wait. . . .  

Again, I can't blame her for taking the opportunity but I do blame her for not just calling it what it is.  This is yet another example of my long time assertion that Wes Hayden is the only person to ever go on this show and tell the truth.  Irony is pretty ironic sometimes.  

Group Dates.  Who made the executive decision that every group date this season has to be a humiliating, degrading exercise?  Strippers, karaoke, and mimes all in a public place?  Frankly, I can't blame Nick for feeling a little self conscious on the mime date.  What a beating that was.  They might as well have dressed them like German soldiers and had them march down the Champ-Elysees based on the reaction they got from the locals.  

Macklemore's Meltdown and Marquel's Double Standard.  There are few things more annoying to me than the inevitable Alpha Male, macho d*ck measuring contest featured on every season of this show accompanied by the vapid assertions of what it means to "be a man." 

All of these guys primp and self-maintain more than most women I know.  Look, I don't want to perpetuate a stereotype but there's a reason stereotypes exist.  There are certain things that make men men rather than caricatures of men.  Google 80's hair bands and tell me I'm wrong.      

Cody, who heretofore seemed like a nice enough guy, albeit, as cheesy as a French cheese factory, got all macho on Nick last night about--well, I'm not really sure what about.  The best part of that entire exchange is how calm Nick remained and how the pheromone filled Cody seemed confused that his chest beating act didn't phase the intellectually superior Nick.  

You could almost see him thinking "this usually works" as he was acting like a bi-pedal hominid.  I would have voted for orangutan based upon his color.  I was waiting for him to throw his own feces at Nick in an attempt to establish dominance.  

You can take the meathead out of the gym but you can't take the gym out of the meathead.  Stick to mime puns, Cody.  They suit you better.  Orange is as orange does.  Oh, and he still looks like Macklemore on steroids.  




J.J. is apparently an Instigator-preneur as well as a Pantsapreneur.  For the second week in a row his Jake Johansen-esque self has stirred up false drama as he sat on the sidelines and watched it unfold.  


This week he accused Andrew of sort of maybe possibly but not for certain referring to Marquel as a "blackie" in the first rose ceremony.  Why he waited a month to reveal that is suspicious at best and about as transparent as Andi's physical infatuation with Josh at worst.  

As apparently hurtful as that was to Marquel, wasn't this the same guy that brought a black and white cookie to the first cocktail party and made it a point to ask Andi if she preferred the black icing?  As arrogant as Andrew comes across, I have to side with him on this one.  I'll give Marquel credit for letting him answer the allegation but the entire thing was as staged and poorly executed as Andi's disastrous rose ceremony hairdo.  

Marquel was one of the good guys this season and I have to agree that she made a mistake in letting him go.  Wanna bet he's the next Bachelor?  We'll see.  

Josh M.  Look, this is going to be a controversial statement for some of you, but hear me out.  Josh is a weasel.  He's clearly in love with himself and that whole "I'm so smitten I just can't speak" act has been wearing on me worse than Cody's haircut all season.  

In classic twenty-something female fashion, Andi is ignoring all of the warning signs.  She's infatuated and that's a dangerous place to be with a dude like that.  He's in my Top 2 but he'll dump her before she dumps him.  If I'm wrong, I'll fly to Atlanta on my dime and mime an apology to his face.  Then again, "Josh" has the same vowel sound as "Chach."  Memo to Andi, if you "can't seem to get a read" on a guy, you already have.  Caveat Emptor.    

On a positive note, she can add "Former" to her job title now.  At least they have one thing in common.  

Final 5---My prediction anyway.  Nick, Josh, Brian, Marcus, Chris. She pretty much cleaned house last night with respect to the alleged drama causers showing that she's not F-ing around when it comes to that type of nonsense.  All it's going to take is either a slip of the tongue or a rat in the bunch to reveal J.J. as the source of the drama and she'll figure out that Cody's orange tint and bleach blonde Macklemore cut simply won't cut it at the Dorfman household 'round Christmas time.  

Bachelor in Paradise.  Speaking of throwing feces, we all know this is a consolidated, filthier version of Bachelor Pad.  Frankly, that's all I know about it and I plan to keep it that way.  If I had to guess, that guy who "surprised" us in Episode 1 will be there as will chronic attention seekers like Michelle Money and her ilk.  Marquel is an obvious choice too.  

No, I'm not watching it and no I won't blog about it.  My sanity is important to me and I plan to hang on to it as long as I can.  If I want to watch a bunch of idiots run around aimlessly in search of something elusive that none of them will ever find I'll turn on Finding Bigfoot.  




Come to think of it, those 4 have a better chance of tackling that thing in the woods than the BIP cast has of finding true love.  

Short and sweet, but more thought provoking than usual this week, I hope.  My "real" life is busy right now.  Hopefully, it will slow down a bit before the big finale.  I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be writing my memoir.  DP





42 comments:

  1. Good to hear from you again! Really thought you just couldn't bring yourself to continue this 'search' anymore. If in fact there is any truth to this show, then I'm kind of rooting for Brian. Although why would I wish Andi on him????? You hit the nail on the head re: Josh. I find it funny tho' that Andi isn't returning to Atlanta!!
    On second thought, Brian should come in 2nd or 3rd and then he can be the next bachelor! Sorry for the rambling...was so surprised to see your post that I responded without any clear idea of where I'm going (kind of like the show).
    B in NY

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    1. I'm glad to be a pleasant surprise in your day. I'm not really rooting for anyone to be honest. I'd chalk that up to apathy more than anything else. Thanks for reading. DP

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  2. You're the first person to agree with me about Josh!!!! I thought that about him from the start. He's an ex pro athlete, handsome, spoiled, used to getting all the girls. His "I'm so nervous and shy and I really like her tee-hee" act makes me so sick I can't watch any scene he's in.

    My money is on her picking him and them being broken up already. Secretly of course since the After the Final Rose hasn't aired yet.

    Okay, I feel better now. Thanks for the vindication. I hated that dude from night one. It's all an act and it sickening how she's falling for it so easily.

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    1. Yea, I think she'll pick him unless good ole dad's radar flies off the handle like it did with Juan Pablo. She'll listen to him. I'm sure he's seen the good looking athlete who wants to bang his daughter enough times to spot it down the right field line. See what I did there? Stay tuned. Should be interesting. DP

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  3. What a pleasant surprise finding your blog today. I have been checking in from time to time to see if you had posted, missed your comments and humor. Have to agree this season is very boring, can't get interested in Andi or even dislike her. Totally neutral about her except when she says "Stop!" That just annoys me. She is very infatuated with Josh and my gut tells me she will pick him despite all the red flags. Then he'll dump her and she will bust his balls. The girl has a temper and watch out if she thinks you have crossed the line. I thought her outburst with JP was way too dramatic and overdone. Also her last conversation with Eric was blown out of proportion. I will hang around till the end but boy it will be tough. Glad to have you back!

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  4. Love when you bring up past contestants to prove a current point. And the Macklemore Meltdown with the pics, I'm still laughing. Thanks for doing us a solid with this post, it's much appreciated.
    ~Cariss

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    1. Always good to see you and your preceding squiggly thingy in the mix.

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  5. Dopelgangers
    Pantsapreneur = Jim Carey (Ace Venturea)
    Josh = Joey from Friends

    Its what we do to stay awake......zzzzz

    Toronto

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    1. Pants looks more like a young Bill Nye to me.

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  6. Andi does suck. I have no issue with ball busters (hey, I'm one myself) but she is too shrill and dramatic for me. This season really sucks too. I don't know if it's because it seems like there is a dark cloud over it because of the whole Eric thing, but it just isn't fun anymore and I can't wait for it to be over. She is totally going to pick that dudebro with the teeth, so bring on the dummies in paradise already.

    Also, I hate the Notebook and pretty much everything Nicholas Sparks-related. I will see myself out now and hand in my girl card at the door.

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    1. A self admitted ball buster. Oof. Let me know if you want my opinion on that. Good to know not everyone with ovaries loves The Notebook.

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    2. Sure, I'd love to hear it! I don't think ball busting is necessarily a bad thing. I'm the "fixer" and the glue that keeps everything together so I kind of have to be. I do work hard to be diplomatic - which, to quote Andi - "is EXHAUSTING!"

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    3. This could be an entire series of posts. I'd need more information to form an opinion. However, if by "fixing" things you mean that you ALWAYS know what's best and you KNOW the RIGHT way to do things, then I'd say that's a bad thing. Perhaps relinquishing some control would lead to a less "exhausting" state of being. For what it's worth, I'm not picking up a negative vibe in your comments. So you have that going for you, which is nice. Thanks for the comments! DP

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    4. Thanks DP! I appreciate your input. Cleaner-upper is my official job and the exhaustion is making sure things still get done while everyone stays happy on both sides. I can appreciate a strong person who isn't a pushover (my initial impression of Andi in JP's season) but something about her is just off to me. To quote one of my friends, "she's smart but there's just no 'there' there." Looking forward to your input on the rest of this crappy season!

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  7. Was hoping for your reaction to Sarah being on Bachelor in Paradise. Your adjustable rate mortgage comment still brings laughter (albeit guilty) to this household. Thank you for the entertaining blog.

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    1. I wasn't aware of that. I'd hate to speculate. That would be like going into battle with one hand tied behind my back.

      You're welcome.

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  8. Sarah, if you're handing in your girl card for hating the Notebook, I guess I'd better hand mine over too.

    Never could get into that movie, and for the LIFE of me I just can. not. see the ooey goodness. And NIcholas Sparks' novels annoy the hell out of me. I can't read them without being supremely pissed off by the last page.

    Dudes shouldn't write romance for dudettes.

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    1. I actually agree. I make that point in my Notebook post. However, I think we all have to admit that Nicholas Sparks has come pretty darn close to the formula women like. I'd prefer Wuthering Heights or Gone with the Wind. Both female authors. DP

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  9. I'm a girl and have never even seen that stupid Notebook. Yes, Andi is a boring ball-buster(strange combo) and yes, I agree that this season is lacking fun of any kind. Then we have to wait so long for Some Guy that this isn't as much fun either! Waaaa. Anyway, Nick reminds me of John Lithgow and Andi purrs when she talks to the former baseball 2nd round pick so he must be the last tool standing!

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  10. So much YES about everything you wrote. First, as an attorney, I am bothered by the fact that Andy compromised her legal integrity by going on this show (and taking a leave during a murder trial to do it)...and also befuddled by her bosses. What kind of "career" is she expecting to have?

    Second, when asked by Josh what she is good at, Andi's response was mind games. Ummm...run, men, run.

    Third, Josh drives me crazy. I haven't believed a word that has come out of his mouth the entire season. As a prosecutor, her BS meter should be pinging off the charts with him. The man has mentioned his career in the minor leagues a ridiculous amount and seems to have the depth of a mud puddle. BUT, I predict she chooses him. She's clearly smitten...enough to ignore all good sense.

    Ultimately, my problem with Andi is that she is boring and doesn't really have a great personality or any charisma or charm.

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    1. Good observations. I think I made the point early on that Josh identifies himself as a former pro athlete rather than whatever it is he currently does to pay for his teeth whitening. I don't know if she's "boring" as much as she's sort of a one trick pony. I don't see a whole lot beyond her first date persona. It's good to have another attorney in the mix. Thanks for reading. DP

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  11. Boooo! It makes me sad when you prioritize work and real life over us. Happy you're back finally!!! The Macklemore jokes get me every time.

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    1. Kayla, while I appreciate your concern, I have a ton of clients who feel differently. My mortgage company does as well. I'm glad you're repeatedly entertained by the fact that Cody is a clown. DP

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  12. This is great. Love the pictures you include. All the references you use remind me of Family Guy. You have Andi and Josh pegged. Ballbuster and weasel, for sure. My husband can't stand Andi, either.

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    1. I'd like to think I'm a little more high brow than Family Guy, but whatever works. I'm glad you like it. You're husband is wise. DP

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  13. Thanks for writing for us! You and Lincee are my favorite blogs. I completely understand finding time to blog. I did it for about six months and had a bit of a following, but I just could not handle the time pressures and constant need to keep up with it to make it successful. It's an incredible amount of work even to get to a tiny income.

    Anyway, I am also bored out of my mind. I always hate the “in between” time where we can basically tell who the final four or five are. But we are also forced to watch extremely lame and publicly humiliating group dates, and Andi saying things like “perfect place to fall in love” and “letting my guard down.” I expect that from the 22 year old contestants, but not the bachelorette. I really expected more substance and interesting conversations instead of her immature and manipulative statements. I hated the comment about “If I was your wife, would you tell me?” Well, if you were his wife, would you have a room full of other men that you are dating? I think there’s a reason Chris Harrison keeps trying to “sell” how wonderful Andi is. I’m not buying it.

    Fav line: J.J. is apparently an Instigator-preneur as well as a Pantsapreneur.

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    1. Solid. Yes, it can be "work" but I enjoy the writing so it's usually a good break when I get the time to do it. Andi's views on relationships and her conduct around the dudes reminds me of Ali. You're right, she's not the most sophisticated one we've ever had, is she? DP

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  14. Great to have you back since it was way more boring without your comments. Who knew the dorky JJ was such an instigator of bad stuff in the group? I never liked Andrew so wasn't sorry to see him go but Cody over Marquel???? Really???
    When I find myself noticing more about the weird clothes Andi is wearing and awful hairdos, this tells me it's more boring than usual to slog through this each Monday night.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Yea, the whole cocktail party hair was very weird. She needed some Suave. DP

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  15. Thanks for the great reflections. This Josh person.... I'm not a fan. Can she not see that he's a very sketchy bro?

    Disappointing to see Marquel go. He seemed like one of the good ones.

    Finally, I need to mention that (a) every city, state, or country Andi visits is instantly branded as "a great place to fall in love," and (b) the formal, communion-serving posture she takes when she's handing out roses is truly bizarre.

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  16. Was desperately waiting for a blog post from you, and even though it's shorter and more bitter than usual, was not disappointed. I still stand behind my claim with Andi being the most stunning bachelorette, but to each his own. Unlike you and most of the commenters on here, I'm not bored at all, but you can chalk that up to my infatuation with Andi, I guess. Not saying anyone should be enjoying this season, but I certainly am.

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    2. Not sure bitter is the right word but I get it. As for your infatuation with Andi, props to you for owning it. She's not my type but attraction is unexplainable and I'm thrilled you're defending it. That's what this is all about. Bravo on a great comment.

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  17. Ahhhhh.......you didn't address the Andi/Eric interaction. I understand you may not want to step into this minefield, but I was hoping for your take on it. Eric's authentic nature was so out of step with this reality travesty. I see him as the Jesus figure in this saga.......charismatic, worldly wise, truthful, wanting the best for everyone, but misunderstood by Andi and tragically gone too soon. Susan in CA

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    1. Sorry to disappoint. I was a little pressed on time this week. I'm not sure about the Jesus figure but he was certainly a square peg. DP

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  18. Ahh DP, I really have been feeling sorry for you for having to come up with something to say about this boring season. I need something like a Desiree/Brooks/Antigua scene to resuscitate my interest in this show...or at least some super fabulous Emily Maynard fashion to distract me...?!
    P.S. Something that IS distracting is poor Andi's constant stuffy nose. Good golly. Get that girl a neti pot and some Sudafed.
    Amber

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    1. Amber, it's obvious why she's stuffy. She allergic to stupidity.

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  19. Ohh, I forgot to say how hysterically hard I chuckled as I scrolled down and saw the orangutan pic!! Nice job!

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  20. Just reading this (while the latest episode is putting me to sleep, I needed something to wake me up!) ... miss following you DP! I'll have to read your Notebook blog tomorrow ... I threw it on while I was cleaning my kitchen and sobbed like a toddler who dropped her big ol' multicolor lollipop on the floor. Kitchen didn't get clean either. Damn my husband for putting a TV in the kitchen (though he did it at my request for Giants football and Seton Hall basketball for me, didn't realize the problems that occur with HBO).

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