Monday, March 3, 2014

Juan Pablo Episodes 8 & 9: Dios Mio

Hello, Readers.  Thanks for your patience over the past week.  I’m on a short leash this coming week as well.  Corpus Christi, Texas is in my near future and I’ll scarcely have time to breath the refinery-tainted air out there before heading back through San Antonio, back to Austin, and jumping on a plane for Colorado Springs, Denver, and some ski and après ski time in Vail with the twin of Some Guy and Some Guy’s childhood friends. 

I’m going to use my gift for consolidation here and break down the Hometown and Fantasy Date of each of the women rather than a play by play which—if we’re all honest—we’ve all forgotten anyway already.  Hell, I won’t even remember half of the women who show up on the Women Tell All this week. 

Now, with no further delay, let’s get to it. 


I started this with a “poor Renee” but after thinking about it for a few days I’ve changed my mind.  Like Ben before him, Juan Pablo has succeeded in taking me from an indifferent yet supportive bystander to someone who can’t stand him.   

He’s a one trick monkey—a sexist one trick monkey.   Look, I’m far from Gloria Steinem and I’m no---what’s that Feminine Mystique broad’s name?—Betty Friedan, but my litmus test for that sort of thing is “if it bothers me, it must be bad.”  The way he oooos and ahhhhs and talks about the women bothers me.  I’ll grant him a Latin culture card, but I think what I’m sensing is a little deeper than a simple cultural difference.  He’s also unbelievably self-centered.  I alluded to that a few weeks ago and Andi sure as hell felt that way this week---after her dad pointed it out.  Perhaps Juan Pablo’s smoking hot ex-wife could shed some light on that for us? 

As an aside, I had an extremely militant feminist as a professor in my literary criticism class in college (shocking, I know) who required us to read The Feminine Mystique.  After an entire semester of being shamed for having a penis, I chose to write my final paper criticizing that book—her Bible.  I think my big points were that it seemed to criminalize being a stay at home mother and a member of the middle class in addition to striking me as hostile toward gay people. 

Frankly, at that point in my life I had no idea where I stood on any of those issues.  I just wanted a rise out of the professor.  I got it.  When I got my paper back a few weeks later I turned to the back page to see my grade.  Scrawled heavily in deep red ink was “Mr. SGIA, I could not disagree more with your analysis.  However, even I have to admit that it is well argued.  You have a future if you open your mind to it.  A-.”  I’ll give her credit for being objective in the face of a clear attempt to piss her off.  Even I had to admit that was well played. 

Back to our non-feminist Bachelor. 

Renee walks around on the beach until Juan Pablo shows up in another set of pedicure sandals walking like a five year old who has to pee.  What the hell is it with this guy?  Scarves?  Bright colored flip flops? A collection of V-necks?  He might need to rethink his comments about a gay bachelor not working on television.  Incidentally, I wonder what his response would have been had he been asked about a misogynist bachelor.  I think we know what it would have been?  “What do thees word ‘misogyist’ mean?” 

I was pretty sure at this point that Renee wasn’t headed for a romp in the Fantasy Suite.  It’s a shame that she wasn’t aware of it.  The look on the kid’s face when he met Juan Pablo was classic.  I’m surprised he didn’t look at Renee and say, “are you serious with this guy?”  I’d be willing to bet that’s the exact reaction the kid’s dad had, however. 

Juan Pablo meets the fam.  They all seemed nice, down-to-earth, normal people with Renee and Ben’s best interest in mind.  Her mother and father’s “you’re an adult and we support you even if we don’t agree with you” reaction mirrored Nikki’s family’s reaction; both of which were in stark contrast to Clare and Andi’s families’ “I want you to do what I think is best for you because of the way this affects my feelings” reactions.  More about that later. 

Juan Pablo underwhelms.  So much so that Renee can’t bring herself to tell her she loves him.   You know what?  If you can’t say it, you don’t mean it. 

Turns out that her indecisiveness in Florida proved fortuitous by the time she struck out at the Rose Ceremony.  She was understandably disappointed but kept it together well and assepted what happened with dignity.  She accidentally hit the nail on the head when she said “this is ridiculous.”  She also wisely observed, “you can’t force anyone to love you.”  

Finally, a woman on the show who reads my blog.  She gets it and he’s an idiot for not picking her.  If she’d have shut up there she’d have scored a 100 on how to come in fourth place; however, she had to end it by saying “there’s not a lot of guys like Juan Pablo.”  

I beg to differ.  You can stand in downtown South Beach, throw a maraca in any direction, and hit a Juan Pablo.  Dime a dozen, Renee.  Sorry you "lost", but my guess is you’ll be much happier than the actual “winner.” 

Renee is a nice person.  It's impossible to know her flaws or her true personality, but from what I saw, I believe she deserves to be happy.  She's not Bachelorette material, but I'm certain we'll see her again.  

"Keep love in your heart.   A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."  ---Oscar Wilde

Renee will find a flower-filled, sun-soaked garden one day.  


Clare  wanders in Sacramento amongst the flowers.  Juan Pablo shows up in (soo-price) a t-shirt. It’s a good thing he dressed up to meet the family.   Clare talks and talks about her dead father.  It was sad, really.  Sad not because of her giant loss but because she cheapened it by talking about it on the show.  “Get to the hostile sister,” I said aloud between Lone Star sips.  Fortunately, they heard me.   

Lilia, Lisa, Laura, Madeline, Julie, Ernie constitute the gauntlet.  They sidestep the beach bang and tell Odysseus-esque tales about their adventures.  I pulled that analogy out of the clear blue sky; however, like Odysseus, Juan Pablo did, in fact, see a lot of action in the ocean.  Annnyyyhooo. . . .

Clare searches for approval---hard.  The sisters bust his balls a bit and he makes every answer about himself.  Laura—the sister who will inevitably contest mom’s Will and be the first one over at the house trolling through her jewelry box after her mother dies—goes absolutely crazy.    

That sucks for Clare.  The real issue hiding beneath the fire pit was the fact that the entire family had not let go of Clare’s father.  That family would benefit much more from a visit from Dr. Jamie rather than Juan Pablo.  The “Perfect Man” is difficult if not impossible to live up to.   Juan Pablo is not going to be filling those zapatos any time soon.   

On the Fantasy Date Clare downplays the fingerbang in the ocean in addition to actually using the word “crazy” to describe her family.  It’s been a rough go for Clare this season.  She’s a 30-something in a field of hot 20-somethings with nothing substantive to offset the age difference.  The fact that Juan Pablo can’t see beyond his own nose doesn’t help her cause. 

Clare did a less than convincing job pretending that she had doubts about heading to the Fantasy Suite after foregoing the foreplay.  Her white dress didn’t exactly extoll the virtues of a chaste woman and all Juan Pablo had to do to close the deal was to spout off some garbage about the value of alone time.  After all, he tells us, “thas when jew get to know these person.”  Clare is ready to bang her way into a Neil Lane creation and he knew it.    

Keeping up the façade, she asks, “Is it weird I want to meet Camilla?” 

I waited for him to respond, “Not at all.  Nikki met her three weeks ago.”  Total burn, Clare.  Total burn.    

Juan Pablo is aware Clare is in heat and after touching her face to confirm it, they close the deal in the Suite.   They spend some bal-u-a-bull time in the ha-coo-zee as well.   Clare earned her rose.  Frankly, they might deserve each other.     


Rather than belabor Juan Pablo’s trip to Atlanta, I’d like to speak about the entire interaction with the family and her subsequent reaction to the Fantasy Suite date from the familiar and comfortable confines of my soapbox.  Here goes. 

It was apparent from the get-go where Andi gets her control issues.  Dad was none too happy about having a camera crew in his castle and even less happy about having a shady Venezuelan attempting to charm the one-piece off his daughter. 

He was rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful to Andi and Juan Pablo the entire time.   Before we all deal with the “that’s his little girl and she always will be” argument, let me “ass jew a kwesh-un.”  

Do any of you honestly think that Nikki’s parents were any more thrilled than Andi’s about their little angel trouncing all over the world with a promiscuous Latin stranger and bringing him into their homes after knowing him only a few weeks before heading to a tropical island with him and two other women so he can take them all for a test drive? 

The answer to that, by the way, is hell no.    Here’s the difference:  Renee’s family and Nikki’s family both went with “you’re a responsible adult and we trust your judgment.  We will support you even if we don’t agree.”  Even Andi’s sister had a version of that when she told her that she respected her but just didn’t see the attraction.  These are 26-32 year old adult women and, in Andi’s case, she has a doctorate and a career.  These are not children we’re talking about. 

In my humble opinion, both Andi’s dad and Clare’s evil sisters were not trying to protect Andi or Clare.  Rather, they were trying to protect their own feelings about the (to be fair) odd situation they’d been asked to endure.  

Their reactions were not about wanting Clare or Andi to be happy.   Their reactions were attempts to control the situation by dictating an outcome that they didn’t have to be uncomfortable with.  Loving and respecting someone often means surrendering your own feelings in deference to theirs.  Granted, there are exceptions, but bringing the Bachelor home for dinner is not one of them.  Her father can’t be naïve enough to think that his little girl has made it through the first 26 years of her life without being felt up by a less than desirable suitor.   

Mark Twain wrote, “Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.” 

It was apparent from Clare’s family that they all have problems letting things go.  I think that was apparent with Andi’s family as well.  In fact, I think Andi’s little “you don’t know me” rant on her way out the door was

A. Precipitated by her father’s disapproval, i.e., an excuse for her to leave and,

B.  A desperate attempt on her part to control Juan Pablo’s reaction. 

After all, if she really wanted out as badly as she said she did, his “Eees Ok, Eees Fine” would have sufficed.  Putting it in Twain’s terms, they all have their laws to abide by, but the respect and love they share for their sister and daughter should breed right conduct rather than judgment.  I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

Juan Pablo shows up to meet Andi post-hometown in a hyper-gay hot pink tank top with green trim and cargo shorts.  We assume he washed off all traces of Clare with that blue water she keeps her combs and scissors in.

He has a soo-price for Andi.  Another waterfall.  Hey, it worked the first time.  Why not?  He then leads her into the bush hoping she’ll return the favor in the Fantasy Suite later (subtle, I know).   

So as not to upset her father, Andi sports yet another one piece in a waterfall before pulling her hombre hair back and heading to dinner so she can tell Juan Pablo that she’s just about pretty close to possibly almost loving him someday.   

His response?  “Jew are preeety ee-see.”  Like Clare?  I wondered.  He is yet again dismissive.     

My guess is that Juan Pablo was no more dismissive, sexist, and self-involved in the Fantasy Suite than he was at dinner.   Still, she chose to forego the foreplay and readily headed to the Fantasy Suite—where there is no doubt in my mind she slept with him. 

Back to Gloria Steinem for a moment. 

Look, she’s a consenting adult and so is he.  If she wants to sleep with him, that’s her choice and her business.  However, after making that choice under what appeared to be neither duress nor intoxication, she should own it rather than “realizing he’s not the man she thought he was.”  Sorry, but I’m not buying it.  Andi wanted out because her family hated Juan Pablo.  She found a reason after she got what she wanted:  a free trip to St. Lucia and a roll in the hay with Juan Pablo. 

Oh, and for those of you who disagree, let me put you a bit at ease.  There’s no doubt that she was correct about Juan Pablo’s lack of attention to anything but his tank tops.  My point is not that she was justified in feeling the way she did.  My point is that I don’t believe a woman as astute and well-groomed as she is suddenly awoke in the Fantasy Suite to an epiphany that he wasn’t “The One.”  I hope she got loaded on the plane ride home.  By the way, how do you think the old man will react when he sees the waterfall date?  Ooof.  


Kansas City Bar-B-Que, Beers, a honky tonk, and a mechanical bull.  Frankly, I can’t think of a better date.  Every bit of it was wasted on Juan Pablo.  After showing up in some kind of Poke-a-hontas halter top and flowly church window pants Nikki and Juan Pablo go for a horse ride in his tank top where he makes a ton of sexually charged comments about Nikki. 

Mrs. SGIA (who is incidentally about as laid back as it gets):  He’s a pig. 

Sadly, I have to agree with her.  He’s proven to be as shallow as his command of the English language.  He can’t eat ribs, two-step, or ride a mechanical bull but he can salsa dance?  I glossed over the fact that he can’t shoot a gun either.  Dios Mio.  Look, far be it from me to project my own version of masculinity upon Juan Pablo but come on now.  At least one out of the four would have been semi-acceptable.    

SGIA:  (shaking head and getting up to go to the bathroom after seeing Juan Pablo on the bull)

Mrs. SGIA:  You want me to hit pause?

SGIA:  Please don’t. 

Deen-er with Nee-kee was pointless.  She tried really hard to open up.  She did well, but again, he was oblivious and myopic.

Harrison meeting.  Harrison sets up the big Andi confrontation.  The fact that Juan Pablo was clueless as to what went on proves Andi’s point.  He was literally too self-absorbed to even remotely sense there was a problem.  I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn’t fake everything in the Fantasy Suite.   

Harrison does his best to set up the Andi confrontation by turning the butter knife slowly. I love knowing Harrison knows what Juan Pablo doesn’t know and that we know that Harrison knows but Juan Pablo doesn’t know what Harrison knows. 

Rose Ceremony. 

They all looked incredible. 

Harrison earns his paycheck.  He drops the “so difficult” “gravity of the situation” talk.  

Ladies, Juan Pablo…whenever you're ready.




Man, wait until Nikki finds out about Clare in the ocean.  He couldn’t even talk his way past Andi when he was over it. 

Well, there it is.  A late summary of the last two shows.  As mentioned, I’m traveling more than a Bachelor pre-production site scout this week.  Weigh in on my comments and let me know what you think.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be drinking a giant scotch and water trying to rid my home of a shady, poly-amorous, Venezuelan.  DP


  1. It is now "official" that Renee is engaged to an old (high school?) friend and she and her fiancé, along with Ben, are moving to Seattle! Sometimes 4th place can get you a win. Safe travels and listen to Mrs. SGIA- She has good instincts- she married you, didn't she?

    1. Good for her. I'll bet he speaks English too.

    2. I thought you only drank Lone Star (have to find some in Upstate New York some time). I am a scotch drinker, too. I like single malt- Glenfiddich, please! I'll toast you while I try not hurl tonight- I have seen some of the previews.

  2. And Andi is going to be the next bachelorette...what do you think her dad will think of that??

  3. Thanks so much for your update/humor. You're a master. You got the ball rolling with laughter at this one: "They sidestep the beach bang and tell Odysseus-esque tales about their adventures. I pulled that analogy out of the clear blue sky; however, like Odysseus, Juan Pablo did, in fact, see a lot of action in the ocean". And, many more. Thanks Some Guy. And, while you might not totally need a consultant, I'm glad you have Mrs. Some Guy to confirm that JP is an animal. :) Happy and safe travels this week.

  4. My favorite lines:

    "She accidentally hit the nail on the head when she said “this is ridiculous.”

    Laura—the sister who will inevitably contest mom’s Will and be the first one over at the house trolling through her jewelry box after her mother dies—goes absolutely crazy.

    We assume he washed off all traces of Clare with that blue water she keeps her combs and scissors in."

    I agree with your assessment of Andi. Didn't see her bringing up politics, religion or social issues before this, and I absolutely HATE when the girls go into "Poor me. I gave up so much to be here."

    Do you think one of the things that has sort of blinded viewers and ABC is the fact that JP has a daughter? I don't think any of us have wanted to believe someone with a little girl would be such a pig.

    It is interesting how little I remember about the episodes already. Thanks for the laughs!

    1. No, I think he's probably a sincere and devoted father. He's also just being himself, so there's no pretense. He's not professing to be anything other than what he is. It's just taken time to get past the cute accent and aw shucks approach he took last season. He's good in small doses. The problem is that we've been subjected to a large dose. of him. DP

  5. Thought more of Andi until I read that she's the next bachelorette. Silly me thought that she realized her mistake in being part of this whole nonsense. And I agree with you some guy, her dad must not be too thrilled with her continuing on her 'journey'. We didn't agree in our twitter comments, but I have to say that you are right on the mark with her.
    As an attorney, doesn't the whole thing make you cringe a little?????
    B in NY

    1. Her dad is going to flip out. Oh well. Respectful disagreement is the spice of life B in NY. Happy to have your opinion. I don't cringe at a 20 something taking an opportunity like Andi is taking. Frankly, it sounds fun. I just don't think any of them think about the downside of the whole thing, however. We'll see what kind of Bachelorette she makes. DP

    2. Holy hypocrite, me, not you! I forgot that I was trying to convince my granddaughter to go on this program last year (her friends sent her picture etc) and she was (still is) getting calls from ABC to come in for an interview. She declined, but I thought it would be such fun as long as she didn't take it seriously. I guess I just consider this show entertainment when in reality the only entertaining thing about it is your blog!
      B in NY

    3. Wow, Anonymous--really--she's the next Bchelorette? Her hair is a tacky grow-out and needs work -- make it all one color at least. I do like her better than the others though and think she would be tough on the guys who will vie for her affections. She does seem as egocengtric in her own way as any of them and is obviously not a giddy girl. It's a wonder; her dad is a real mean redneck creep. He'll be tough on the boys as well. If that's the case, I'll be watching and also reading DP's and Lincee's blogs. I'm a grandma too, and from New York. Your last sentence suffices to say it all!!

      Macedonian Hussy

      Macedonian Hussy

    4. I thought I was the only grandma following this blog! Nice to see I'm not alone. Are you an upstate or downstater? Only a NYer will understand that!
      B in NY

    5. Actually I am about 35 minutes from NYC (am born in Suffern in Rockland County but lived in Spring Vally and Nanuet et, and spent 3 years in Brooklyn fas a toddler). I left there for Arizona for mty mom's health (lungs) and then back to NY for a year and then to Ariz and then Calif. and now for a year or so I am here in Savannah, GA helping a friend who is an unpaid intern at SCAD --South University here, working on her masters in mental health counseling.I don't even sound like New Yorker anymore but my heart is there and I am one of ya, never fear! I will go back to California at the end of the year but the old men really like me here in Georgia so you never know. Plus I do have free mental health care in return!!! And I am just down thye coast from NYC if the ice melts.

  6. Maybe JP has been reading your blog! Everyone thinks/knows it. He just says it. "Yeah, I was in the fantasy suite with Clare last night" and "you barely made it here."

    1. He does not have the gift of self censorship, does he? She wasn't going to win anyway and he knew it. Why put up with her ball busting if he didn't have to? DP

  7. I think Clare had asked if it was weird to want to meet Carla, not Cameeeela. It's still a really dumb comment, either way. I also feel Clare and JP deserve each other. He might go with Nikki, due to the fact that her family is loaded and her stable career. After all, he's looking for a step mom for Cameeeela. What's better, free nursing care or free haircuts? He also seems more attracted to Nikki, but who knows since he's already gotten a piece from each of them. Looking forward to the WTA!

    Thanks, Dixie

    1. Carla, Cameeela. The response would have been the same. I think you're right about Neeeki. DP

  8. great recap - laughed out loud of your description of his waddle-walk as a 5 yr old needing to pee!!! There was a whole lot of unattractiveness going on with Clare's sisters - she obviously got all the looks in that family - didn't even look like she was related to any of them! What did you think of the mute Mama? Do you think Clare can speak Spanish?

    1. Glad you noticed that. The only Spanish Clare speaks is "yo soy en fuego" which--loosely translated (see what I did there?)--means, I'm in heat. DP

  9. Recap was worth the wait! Juan Pablo is indeed a pig. And he needs to retire the iz okaaayy. He doesn't even make sense half the time.

    1. indeed. I'll give him credit for owning the behavior and not apologizing for being himself, however. He just doesn't see it. DP

  10. Kept checking your blog this past week to see if the new post was up...thanks for fitting this into your hectic schedule. You know we can't do without your snarky recap! The part about throwing a maraca had me laughing out loud. Thanks SG!


    1. You're welcome. Watch out for falling maracas. DP

  11. You are so on point with your opinion about JP. I was also willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was a cultural thing with him but the longer the show goes on, the less I can continue to make this excuse for him. I can't remember the last time on this show that I have cared LESS about who ends up together. Maybe he and Clare deserve it each other because she is so completely clueless about what a complete DB he really is. Or maybe he and Nikki deserve each other because deep down, she's not really a very nice person, either. GAH!!!!

    I'm only going to endure the last few episodes for your blogs..... Ees okay - no pressure! :) HA!

    Rose in OC

  12. Worth the wait as usual. Can't believe with your schedule that you would even take the time to write but good to have some laughs and you provided some great lines this time. My favs: JP is aware Clare is in heat and after touching her face to confirm it, they close the deal in the Suite. And He leads her into the bush hoping she'll return the favor in the Fantasy Suite (subtle, I know).
    Clare's sister Laura was really a ball buster, wasn't she? Scary. Renee dodged a bullet and it's good to see that she is happily engaged. Nikki -hard to figure out if she's grown up enough to be a step mom if things get that far. Andi was looking so pissed that JP showed no emotion when she said she wasn't into this and was leaving. Since he has cried over telling girls goodbye that he barely knew, it was interesting how unemotional he was about Andi leaving. I do not care for her so will not watch if she is indeed the next bachelorette. I will have to read you and Lincee to figure out how things are going.
    Happy travels and say hey to my twin as you pass through San Antonio.
    Sal in Utah

    1. It was tough this last week, but I did it. I'll look for Sal in San Antonio. DP

  13. I really appreciate that you step out and above to provide cultural and literary context to the show that takes regular people and turns them into....whatever is a reasonable definition that comes close to "take advantage of the free ride"-ers.

    It is apparent that while he "speaks English" he is neither linguistically nor culturally articulate in English, at least not enough to communicate the nuances of a relationship. This is not to say he is or is not porcine, bovine, feline or any other -ines. He just doesn't have the words to express his position (we'll just call it position and leave it.) Note, I am not defending him, just noting that trying to make sense of his limited ability to express himself in English is essentially a gargantuan waste of time. He doesn't get it in OH so many ways.

    It is as if he takes the phrase "come to find love" very literally. VERY literally. No statement about what to do with it once he finds it.

    Last, of all of them Claire seems desperate, She is desperate to WIN, she is desperate to fall in love, she is desperate to defend herself amongst her sisters.

    The wisest woman of the whole show so far is Claire's silent mother, who beings to speak in Spanish.


    1. He doesn't get it. That's the perfect synopsis of this season. DP

    2. Double amen - The daughters treated her like some kind of mute statue until she revealed her true self - a grand lady. Bravo to her.

  14. favorite line this week: "We assume he washed off all traces of Clare with that blue water she keeps her combs and scissors in." had me rolling!!!

    don't you think nikki has already found out about claire? it's not like she isn't watching the show...

    just got back from a long weekend in Vail... enjoy and be sure to pop into the little diner for breakfast. will change your life!!!

    kellie in h-town

    1. Solid blue water smack got you going, huh? Glad to provide a smile. DP

  15. Best recap ever!! I almost peed in my pants laughing at this line "Renee walks around on the beach until Juan Pablo shows up in another set of pedicure sandals walking like a five year old who has to pee.

    Terry Holland

    1. I hope you were at home when you almost peed. I'd hate to ruin your work day. DP

  16. As usual, ju deed eet again, DP. Mrs. SGIA is also priceless with her stoicism. It seems she is very wise. You also have a lot of savvy commenters and they are another reason I enjoy reading your blog--plus your interest in their comments. Still in Georgia, closer to Austin,Texas for a year or so. By the way, I must be getting old or less human because I always lose, on the first try, the "please prove you're not a robot" letters. And those are the really LEGIBLE words.

    Macedonian Hussy

  17. Worst Bachelor ever...not surprised by this.

    Paula in Sacramento

  18. So...I have been binge watching True Detectives, which is the quintessential guy show - and with Matthew McConaughey...well clearly it's a new niche for you, but you could write about "How Guys Think" via ANOTHER guy in Austin. Just sayin', if you have "free time" - a little more challenging analytical exercise.