Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Final Episode: Conjunto Con Un Pinche Cabron

NOTE:  If you commented on the Teaser Post "No Juan Wants to Talk to Me," see below.  I tried to get to them all before posting this.  Thanks!  DP

Well hello, Readers.  Welcome to the close of yet another season of the show we all ask ourselves why we watch.  Before I get to the ass-handing that Juan Pablo was given by Clare, Harrison, Sean Lowe (sort of), and his ill-fitting Eurosuit, let me set up the Post and the Off-Season.  After all, life is easier when we know the expectations.  It makes it easier to lower our own. 

This will obviously be my final post of the big season.  However, I do have a post or two in the cannon, as I found some time to write and some much needed inspiration on my recent trip to Vail, Colorado.  I also broke a couple of ribs skiing (poorly), but that’s another story.  

It seems that the fluffy, white powder racing beneath my skis is neither fluffy, nor powdery when you hit it shoulder-first at full speed.  What can I say?  I grew up in Texas.  Water skiing is one thing, snow skiing is another.  Any lesser blogger would have cashed it in. 

As for my off-season posts, I can’t promise any regularity.  I’ve tried that in the past and you’ve been sorely disappointed, so I won’t make that mistake again.  Work is . . . well, work, and I’ve got more to do now that I have ever had to do in my entire career.  That’s exciting and terrifying at the same time.  The good news is that three things bring me real peace: A Good Book, A Good Workout, and A Good Blog Post.  I’ll write, but I don’t know how much.  Check in from time to time, please.    

Thank you all so much for your loyalty over the last few years.  I appreciate the time you take each week to read what falls out of my head and into the keyboard.  Now, let’s get to it. 

With Chardonnay chilled, plates prepared, and charcuterie chopped we headed into the big show, breathless with anticipatory glee waiting to see Juan Pablo fumble the ball on the goal line.  And boy did he fumble.  

Not since Wes Hayden went rogue after his Assassination by Edit has ABC turned so patently and so belligerently against a cast member on this show.  Harrison was brutal—and visibly annoyed.  Hell, even Roz Papas was given the courtesy of that fat guy in the leather hat to help her carry her sh*t.  

(You didn’t think I could not mention that guy in the final post of the season, did you?)

Harrison was indifferent toward Ben, but he clearly hated Juan Pablo because Harrison knew what an insincere, self-centered, macho, Latin jerkoff he was while the rest of us were still in the dark about it.  He was like ABC’s Morpheus offering us the red pill—a better looking, pearly toothed Morpheus. 

Juan Pablo is a Chach, Neo.  Soon, you will believe.

We begin with the usual set up in St. Lucia, this year’s scene of the Final Selection.  Little did we know we would see the third woman this season making the biggest selection rather than our dopey, semi-literate Bachelor. 

Still delusional, Clare arrives in a strappy purple number to meet the Juan Pablos while Juan Pablo broods amongst the flora and fauna in turquoise dropping a familiar (and foreboding) sentiment that he “likes [Clare] a lot . . . physically.”  I could almost hear the collective sigh of the astute women in the bunch but it was drowned out by the collective awww of those of you who had not yet taken the red pill. 



Clare meets Juan Pablo’s family.  

Let’s see, there was his dad Saul Pablo, mom Nelly Pablo, brother Rodolfo Pablo, his cousin Rodrigo Pablo, and, of course, the adorable Camilla Pablo.  There were perhaps more Pablos running around, but I must have missed them.  Carla ex-Pablo apparently did not make the treep.  Eeees Ok.    

Clare makes a mistake off the bat.  First, she tells the family her mother is Mexican.  What’s the problem, you ask?  Well, there wouldn’t be one if the Juan Pablos were not an incredibly traditional Venezuelan family.  I’ve got news for you.  A large portion of South America views Mexico as a third world country and, by extension, looks down on its people. 

For those of you with South American blood reading this (including my mother-in-law’s family) you know what I’m talking about.  It’s a stereotype, yes, but the prejudice exists and it was palpable with Clare.  Frankly, the family seemed just as self interested as Juan Pablo.  She also admitted to never learning Spanish, another no no.     

Clare meets with Nelly Pablo and she tees up perhaps the most shocking aspect of the finale for me.  She leads into her description of her own son as “eeee-per-acteeve” (that’s "hyperactive" in case you missed the ABC subtitle) and then proceeds to tell Clare he’s an asshole.  That was the first Amazing thing I’d seen all season. 

THEN, the rest of the Pablos proceed to do the exact same thing.  Granted, they politely refer to Juan Pablo as “difficult” or “not easy” but the red flag couldn’t have been more obvious than if Saul Pablo himself ran up behind Nelly Pablo and set it En Fuego.  Clare wiggled in denial as we all yelled at our screens.   

“When I’m in love I’m 1000% sure that I’ll do anything at all,” she giggles.  Like what, Clare?  Wait outside his house, slit his tires, and burn his belongings if he leaves you?  It was at this point I began to feel bad for Clare.

It was so obvious how desperate she was, and, with the rest of the season’s “incidents” in context, it was pretty clear that she’d gone for broke.  It’s too bad she didn’t realize how broke she really was before the “incident” in the ocean.  I’ve knocked her around this season more than Juan Pablo knocked her around in the Fantasy Suite, but I’ve never said she’s not a nice person.  Catty?  Sure.  Desperate? Yes.  But not spiteful, insincere, or ill-meaning.       

Rodolfo Pablo—who sounded a lot like Inigo Montoya in Princess Bride—again confirms that Juan Pablo is “not easy.”  Look, even though I’m 100% sure that a person can’t 1000% anything, I was 1000% sure that this was going to end badly for someone. 



Nikki is up.  

Rodolfo Pablo ees soopur escited to meet Neekee.   She arrives in pink bearing gifts and wearing a bra this time.  After giving some canned answers to Saul Pablo, Saul Pablo says that Juan Pablo “thinks he knows the truth about everything.”  Wow.  Was it just me or could all of you also picture Andi’s father gloating into his giant triple scotch in his recliner in Atlanta?    

Allow me to cut to the chase on this one.  I know you’re all awaiting my “Nikki Theory.”  Before I do, let me also say that this entire episode should be shown to all single girls in America and should be dissected and analyzed to illustrate the classic mistakes made by women in relationships.  Sex in the City, Schmex in the City.  Like the Nikki choice, this was textbook.  More about that in a bit.   

Juan Pablo acts like Juan Pablo and says something disrespectful and filthy to Clare.  I’m certain he could have said the exact same disrespectful and filthy thing to her in the ocean five shows ago when she really barely knew him and it wouldn’t have mattered, but that’s neither here nor there. 

She’s more invested now and won’t put up with that sort of thing.  Sure, a surreptitous romp in the ocean while he’s still sucking the tongues out of the faces of 15 other women she calls friends (except the winner) is fine.  So is lying about it.  But after she sleeps with him a second time in the Fantasy Suite she deserves to be treated like a lady.  

Please.  What did she expect?  What did you expect?  

It’s too bad Andi had the wherewithal to leave early.  Maybe one of ABC’s lawyers could have explained the concept of precedent to Clare before the big finale.  I’m not discounting the fact that what he said was ill-timed, insensitive in light of her skewed version of things, and makes him a bigger idiot than I thought, but I found the indignant stance she took a bit delusional.  Clare made her own bed by jumping into his a couple of times; however, I’ll agree that he crossed the line. 

Lesson number one:  Ladies, don’t jump into the ocean, the bed, the back seat, or anywhere else with a man you hardly know and then expect him to respect you much less fall in love with you.  To put it as bluntly as I once told a former female roommate of mine with a penchant for sleeping around first and then wondering why the phone never rang:  Don't lead with the poon.  

If all you want is sex, fine.  Own it.  However, if you want a long-term relationship you can’t get laid on the foundation before laying the foundation.  Juan Pablo is simply an extreme illustration of what most men think when that sort of thing happens.  He’s not eeee-per-acteeve, he’s a eeee-per-bo-lee (that’s "hyperbole" in case you missed the subtitle). 

I, for one, was proud of Clare for attempting to draw a line in the sand after that little exchange, but horrified when she gave him the satisfaction of muchos besitos after he manipulated his way back in  to her good graces by using her dead father, his daughter, every vulnerable thing she shared with him, and capped it off by offering her marriage and children “within 2 months.” 

I don’t know what the gestation period is in Venezuela, but I’m 1000% certain it’s not two months.  If I recall correctly, a cat has about a two-month gestation period.  It’s not surprising that Juan Pablo was thinking about pussy at a time he should have been thinking about Clare’s feelings. 




Clare was so close to achieving more personal growth at that moment than she had in her first 32 years.  Unfortunately, she fell short.  Like in the Women Tell All, Juan Pablo begins to get a real taste of that happens when the accent and his bullshit get old.   I rolled my eyes into my last sip of Lone Star and hoped Clare would walk away with as little emotional damage as possible.      

Nikki goes bikini. 

“That’s what you call trying to win,” I said to Mrs. Some Guy.  “No shit,” was her response.  No shit indeed. 

They talk aboard “his” yacht and she fails to make the distinction between Juan Pablo being “guarded” vs. just being a shallow schmuck.  Apparently, the accent and the bullshit haven’t worn off with her yet.  Where was Harrison with his red pill? 

I was encouraged for a moment when she asked, “what happens when you don’t have private islands anymore?”  Exactly.  Unfortunately, it went nowhere.   

Again, these are two textbook cases of women in denial. 


  • Both women watched as two of the smartest, most secure women in the house, Sharleen and Andi, intentionally removed themselves from the show because he was a jerk. 

  • Both women watched as he took making out in front of the other women to an entirely new level, even for this show.

  • Both women saw him dismiss the drunk Brazilian as she cried in the bathroom and leave for the mansion.  Granted, she was hammered, but a gentleman would have at least ensured she got home safely.

  • Both women ignored the fact that he touted being a father as the most important thing in his life but sent Renee home--the most obvious choice to be a stepmother to Cameeeela and the only one who acted like one all season.

  • Both women were repeatedly ignored, dismissed, or placated by him in the face of even the most basic questions and both women endured overtly sexual comments and gestures in front of the other women and in private in lieu of real conversation. 

He was neither charming, nor engaging.  He was dismissive, aloof, shallow, chauvinistic, and inappropriate.  He was a show off.   

YET, they both slept with him and both blew by every red flag draped at eye level across the intersection of Amazing Blvd. and Journey Ave.  They both surrendered their self-respect and their sense of decency in the face of their families’ advice and counsel in the name of being the last woman standing amongst the flora and fauna and presumptuously took for granted they’d be wearing the Neil Lane ring looking down at a guy neither of them really knew and, dare I say, REALLY liked.  They were just as naïve and ignorant as he was obnoxious and insincere.    

When there’s a sign in the road, Ladies, take the Rose Colored Glasses off, slow down, and take a moment to read it before heading over the cliff at the end of that road.  If you choose to ignore it, at least you’ve been warned.  

Rarely, if ever, have I had a visceral reaction to this show (well, if you exclude laughing hysterically while Jake ratted on Wes, cried on a balcony, got cheated on at his own cocktail party, cried about it, and then broke down in a fit of acrophobia on a date with Vienna and then cried about it despite being a pilot); however, I really found myself mad at all 3 of them.     

Final Send Off

Clare’s send off was Epic.  From the look of disgust to the double Heisman she hit him with when he went in for an assumptive goodbye hug all the way to the bra burning, I am Woman Hear me Roar speech she masterfully pulled off, it was pure Bachelor gold.  

Rage spawns irrationality but controlled anger is a pointy spear and Clare hit a bullseye just shy of an F Off.  Here’s some footage of her metamorphosis.




If ANY of you actually know Clare or someone who knows her, get this to her.

Open Letter to Clare. 

Dear Clare,

In that one moment when you found it within you to throw a double-fisted hug block into the chest of the opportunistic bonobo monkey in front of you, you took the red pill.  All of the garbage you spouted early in the season about being a strong woman who hasn’t found love or the right guy faded away like the dopey smile on Juan Pablo’s humiliated, sexist face when you let him have it. 

The only thing that all of your relationships have in common is you.  The only person who can fix you is not a misogynistic, disrespectful Neanderthal; it’s you.  Remember what that moment felt like and remember how different its aftermath felt after the crying stopped.  Remember that and you won’t fall for hair gel, soccer stories, poor English, or intentional stupidity again.  Congratulations, Clare. 

Love, Some Guy in Austin

P.S. (Please don’t do Bachelor Pad).

P.P.S. (If you know, please tell me what’s in that blue water you wash your combs in).

  
I’ll sum up Nikki’s choice as catastrophically blind and just leave it at that.  Feeling the pressure of St. Lucia and simply agreeing to agree is one thing but after watching the season she should have had more self respect than to keep her mouth completely shut even if she was contractually obligated to show up.  She’s intelligent, but she’s not smart and she looked incredibly foolish seeting there glued to Juan Pablo’s underarm like a sex toy while he refused to admit that he more than “liked her a lot” despite an avalanche of direct questions from Harrison.    

Buena Suerte con el pendejo, Neekee. 

Now, how did Some Guy “know” it was going to be Neekee from the beginning?  Here goes.

It was apparent to me from early on that Juan Pablo had a traditionally Latin view of women.  I have a couple of friends from South America and their families are extremely traditional.  Women listen to the men.  The man is the king of the house.  You know the drill.  My guess was that Juan Pablo was of that ilk.  That was a guess.  I also guessed that he was either a brunette guy or a blonde guy.  I picked blonde because Miami is filled with dark-headed Cubans and I thought he might like a change.  I was right about that too. 

I looked at the profiles and saw that Nikki had a stepmom-friendly career and assumed that the career would arouse his interest.  It did.  I also assumed that once he got a look at her in a cocktail dress and a bikini and realized she was 7 years younger than he was, she’d be in the final 3.  Men go younger.  It’s a fact.  Clare was his age and my other favorites were either brunette or older than Nikki.  Throw in a little luck and the fact that Juan Pablo theenks weeth his deek and boom, Some Guy is a Genius.  It’s that simple. 

It doesn’t hurt that—despite my MANY faults—I have the gift of empathy and find it very easy to get inside people’s heads.  I just dumbed myself down a bit, pretended I was a Venezuelan soccer player’s deek, and the answer hit me like two fists in the gut thrown by a disgruntled two-night stand.  

I realize that explanation is tantamount to Dorothy’s peek behind the curtain only to discover Wizard of Oz was really some short dude with a microphone, but (say it with me) I’m yust beeeing honest. 

Boom. 

Thank you all again for making this season a lot of fun for me.  Check back in every once in a while, would you?  I write for myself during the off-season, but I’ll post it anyway.  Take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be wheespering filthy things into Mrs. Some Guy’s ear.  DP

 
Home.
   

 


53 comments:

  1. Love your blog!!

    What do you think about Andi as the choice for Bachelorette?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meh. I found her head shot attractive but she chipped away at that all season. She seems nice enough. DP

      Delete
  2. Thanks for your recap! This season was just weird and unsatisfying. I think Juan Pablo was deliberately holding back because he knew they were making him look like a bad guy (even if it's true). He did post a youtube clip of Nikki basically declaring his love for her, so perhaps she stayed quiet because she wanted to play along with his scheme. Not sure how I feel about Andi, but it should be better than this season!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome, Kirsty. Enjoy the off season. DP

      Delete
  3. Beautiful post! As a faithful reader, thanks for the time you give to your readers. Juan Pablo is for sure a tool, but I kind of dug the way he middle-fingered this ridiculous show (which I continue to watch!!!). He illustrated how ridiculous it is to find a lifelong partner in. 10 weeks. Anyone else see it from thus point of view?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't see it as a middle finger. I see it as a him getting exposed for what he is. I never found him smart. DP

      Delete
    2. Yes, Anonymous, I share your point of view!! I watch the show for the drama, ridiculousness, entertainment (clothes, hair, jewelry), and to discover a possible vacation destination (they go to really cool places!). The "journey for love" and finding your "soul mate" in 10 weeks while being filmed for a tv show is NOT what this show brings to the table for me.

      Delete
    3. I wondered why more people didn't pick up on Anonymous's point. While JP was pretty toolish, at least he didn't pretend to be in love after a ridiculous 10 week (non)courtship, with just . . . what . . . five minutes of exclusivity? Yeah, that's right Harrison, your show with its extremely far-fetched premise did not bring the lead fall in LOVE. Go figure. The show is ridiculous but blogs like this one make it pretty funny!

      Delete
    4. The point is not that he didn't FIND LOVE or whatever. The point is that he's sketchy and dishonest. He was asked direct, yes or no questions about it and refused to answer. His "special announcement" was supposed to be Dancing with the Stars but he got booted after the WTA aired. He's no Womack. DP

      Delete
  4. Wow -- finally we witness the "most amazing Bachelor finale ever." And it really was... Go Clare, wise up Nikki, loser JP, twitchy Harrison, mute former Bachelors (save Sean/Catherine and Sharleen). Some guy, did you notice that your one-armed friend Sarah was there? Thanks for the re-cap -- best was the tribute to Daddy Andi and his Scotch. Please, please post during off-season. I love your random thoughts! Marti in Dallas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Marti in Dallas. Yes, I noticed Sarah was there. I saw no need to go out on a limb and point that out, though. DP

      Delete
  5. Thanks again, SomeGuy, for a great season of blog posts! Love your descriptions of Juan Pablo and read them aloud to my husband, who watches the show with me because he's encouraged to yell things at the tv. His latest: How stupid are these women?!? (He had a crush on Sharleen). We're in Austin for SXSW and visiting our grown sons, who live in your great city. If we see you in town, the Lone Star's on us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your poor husband. I hope the blog brings you closer together, all kidding aside. It's about enjoying the frivolity of it all. Welcome to Austin, even though it's filled with broke, smelly hipsters this week. Enjoy the city. I'll be at secret local hangouts! Say Hi if you find me. Be safe. DP

      Delete
  6. Not fun to break some ribs skiing! I was down for the count with a bout of flu so this was the first time I have felt like reading anything and yay, your blog was posted!
    This sentence sums up the nonsense- "YET they both slept with him and both blew by every red flag draped at eye level across the intersection of Amazing Blvd and Journey Ave" -how could both of these girls miss the obvious signs that JP is not ready for a real relationship? What did his family have to tell them to make them understand he is not husband material? Unreal. The live show was so lame-why do we have to hear what Sean and Catherine think? But ABC hasn't paraded them enough I guess. Looking forward to any post in the off season.
    Sal in Utah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed about Sean and Catherine. I love how they position themselves as a moral authority after completing the "journey" or whatever. I wonder who hooked up with Arie? DP

      Delete
  7. ah, your recap. just.loved. And for all of your wittiness, I have to say, I adored the wisdom in your "rage spawns irrationality but controlled anger is a pointy spear.' Brilliant. Was disappointed in Chris H's lack of substantive questions during the ATFR; so many lost opportunities to ask things like Nikki's reaction to watching the season and scenes w/Clare, etc. And in seasons past, all the eliminated girls seem to either feel jealous of the last girl standing, or hate her because she is the last one standing. This time, no one seemed to care, or at best, seemed to feel a little sorry for Nikki, and there was no love lost for JP.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant? Nah. Just an observation. Agreed about Harrison too. He did pile on Juan Pablo pretty well, though. DP

      Delete
  8. I shared on Lincee's site so here you go, too!:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFxtHbaISYU&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm not even finished reading but I just have to tell you DP, that one day you are going to be a GREAT father. I can just hear it now...having 'that talk' with your daughter. 'Don't lead with the poon', and 'don't get laid on the foundation before you laying the foundation'. You have so many great lines. You'll be the coolest dad ever.

    Cindy from Hoover

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cindy from Hoover, A daughter?!?!?!? Bite your tongue! You have any idea what karma owes me? All kidding aside, I'm certain my children will have very colorful stories to tell about their old man. . .starting with the kind that make their cheeks red to repeat. DP

      Delete
  10. Some Guy, you are awesome. Just love your descriptive and hilarious recaps. I also rather enjoy the guy's perspective of what's happening below the belt. It serves even an older gal like me with information to remember....... Hope the ribs heal quickly. I look forward to reading the occasional blog during the off-season. You're the best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watch out! At 51, I'm proud to say that DP declared that I was officially the oldest women he'd ever corrupted...in reference to his 'fluffing' comment in a previous season. I'm not giving up my title easily!! HAHAHA!

      Cindy from Hoover

      Delete
    2. Cindy, I've got you beat at 56 ... :)
      Can't we share the title?!
      Anon in Cincinnati

      Delete
    3. Got you both beat at 75! Discovered this blog when Emily was on the Bachelor and DP went on and on about her little white shorts.
      B in NY

      Delete
    4. Okay. I think B in NY, Cindy from Hoover and I should meet up in Austin so Some Guy can buy his "cougars" a Lone Star!
      Anon in Cincinnati

      Delete
    5. 51, 56, and 75? Do any of you have trust funds and a butler's quarters with wireless internet? I'm very handy around the mansion. DP

      Delete
  11. I just found your blog about halfway through this train wreck of a season. Of course, I then had to catch up on the ones I had missed. Now, I've started reading your other seasons (Fivehead was a favorite) and off-season posts. I said all that to say this: you need your own show, or at least a column, DP! You are more astute than Dr. Phil when it comes to insight and hilarious to boot. I will definitely be checking back on regular basis for any off-season gems. Thanks for taking your time to entertain all of us!

    Sheila

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelia, JUST FOUND IT? Man, you've got some catching up to do. Read Diaper Cake, My Sex Scandal, and A Friend Does His Duty. Those are some of my most popular off season posts. You can find them by putting those words in the search box above. Welcome aboard! DP

      Delete
  12. The open letter to Claire was right on point! Too funny.
    Throughout the show I never really liked her, but found myself loving her as she exited on proposal-day telling him to F himself (in other words).
    What a jerk.
    Amazing BLVD and Journey AVE!!!
    Great one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Anon. Let's hope Clare can keep her spine when the cameras are off and she's back in Suck-remento. DP

      Delete
  13. DP, This post was hilarious!!! I couldn't even pick my favorite lines -- there were too many! I am a little disappointed that the Nikki theory was as simple as it was. It really did feel like the Wizard of Oz example, but oh well. I guess you really are good at getting in other people's heads!

    And I have to say, I'm pretty sure that Juan Pablo told Clare he thought they would have a baby in about a year and 2 months. I think even he understands how long a pregnancy lasts. You may have heard he has a daughter? Cameeeeela? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not certain he's aware of the pregnancy. He can't see beyond his own reflection in the mirror. DP

      Delete
  14. Wow! I love your blog and was so sure that you would have a different take on all of this. I thought you would call out ABC on their crap, and CH's terrible performance Monday night. I still love you, but I'm disappointed. :-) Here is the link to Jillian Harris' blog and I totally agree with her: http://www.jillianharris.com/blog/post/my-thoughts-on-juan-pablo-nikki

    Also, this was my comment on Lincee's blog and I stick by it:... I did not like Chris Harrison last night. When I saw that we had 30 minutes to go and he was not going to let his stupid line of questioning go, I did want to throw something at the tv, but at CH not at JP!

    Who cares if JP declares love? Let’s list the bachelors who have proposed and declared their love only to break up months later? It’s a loooong list! That is dumb to demand that of JP and then get mad when he didn’t play along. He said he met someone that makes him happy, they are great together and look forward to building their future. Why is he the bad guy for not admitting more?

    Also, the 2nd place person is ALWAYS led on…why is this season any different? I don’t want to be a JP apologist because I didn’t love him, but I recognize that he was ganged up on and that makes me feel like defending him. Darn you, Chris Harrison!

    ~Nicole~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love is about never having to say you're sorry. A healthy, respectful debate is the spice of life. We will agree to disagree. Thanks for the comment! DP

      Delete
    2. I see your point about much of this, but I do think Clare was specifically led on in a way that differs from most runners up. As stupid as JP is he's savvy enough to realize Clare was about to be the third person that season to leave because she realized he's nothing more than an accent in a polo shirt. He did everything in his power to reel her back in so she wouldn't leave when it was very clear he wasn't going to pick her, or either one of them for that matter. Clare was right to be pissed.

      Delete
    3. Disagree. She let herself be manipulated rather than accept the truth. She was in the same boat as the others, in my opinion. She's also 32 years old. Oh, and he's a v-neck and an accent. Also, if you'll re-read, I do think Clare had a right to be pissed. I just don't think she should have been as surprised and indignant as she was after sleeping with him so early in the game. DP

      Delete
  15. The best thing about this whole lackluster season was Clare's exit. And I do have to say I burst out laughing when JP said he was glad he didn't pick her. As for Neekee well, Neekee is young yet- she'll learn. Thanks for taking the time to recap this season- I always enjoy reading it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IamDerby, Young, indeed. She acted even younger than that. Such is life. I've been acting 15 since I was, well, 15. DP

      Delete
  16. Hi Some Guy,
    I have some questions for you:
    According to wikipedia both JP and JPG were eliminated @ the fairly low level of #7 by Jillian and Desiree respectively.
    Why didn't JP's drop in popularity cautioned the execs off JPG? Did the execs cave into fans response? And if they did then then did the fans get exactly what they deserved?
    After all, both Jillian and Desiree seemed to figure-out these two out pretty early.
    Signed: A long time fan of your blog, Stephanie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Props on seeking alternate authority, Stephanie and thanks for reading for a long time. I suppose those guys both "polled" well at selection time. That's the best I can give you. There's also the sympathy factor when someone likable is booted or betrayed. Remember Juan Pablo was cute and fun in small doses. DP

      Delete
  17. Best line and words to live by...."don't lead with the poon".

    Thanks for another great season!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Short, sweet, and to the point. Those rules apply to comments and to "fatherly" advice. Thanks! DP

      Delete
  18. Long-time reader here. I can't believe you made no mention of "I wish the earth had sucked me." !!! Really? You got nothing?? I think that line says everything there is to say about One Pablo. Thanks for taking the time to write for us. You and Lincee are my Tuesday giggles. Rest and heal for Andi's season, and if you need me, I will be on the corner of Amazing Blvd. and Journey Ave. waving red flags.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon, Even Some Guy misses every now and then. To be fair, I was so over that idiot at that point I probably tuned him out. DP

      Delete
  19. Dearest DP, You are the son I should have had. I am asking you to be the Protector of Rome. Commodus or Juan Pablo is not moral: He cannot rule, he must not rule. He Ees A Bag Of Douche.

    Pobrecita, Nikki, you will be sorry--sadly.

    I earnestly hope that Clare nwho finally got a pair (of cojones that is) will read your open letter to her. Yours is the best advice that could ever be communicated to her.

    For what it is worth, DP, I have unfailingly enjoyed your recaps of "amazing journeys" which, for some reason I watch (other than the one given in my last comment last week or so it is because of you--and Lincee) it brings out the most ironic part of my own personality, and I can't believe that most of these often ridiculous characters are actually saying these things are willing to make fools of themselves before millions of us who drink it up. But I digress...

    This is the very best, most valuable recap you have ever written in the Bachelor & 'Ette series. I have read your blog and it is all--awesome--I must use tghat word which I reserve for Mt Everest, Grand Canyon, and Texas. I am sincere in this.

    Regarding your unfortunate accident in Vail, Colorado, breaking a couple of ribs, I wish you a speedy and comfortable recovery. Mrs. SGIA, you are a lucky lady. I could almost be DP's grandmother so I know that very few men can be firm and frank person and yet be a gentleman and a harsh guy who out-Stewarts Jon, yet obviously care. It is a psychological panorama we watch (emophasis on psycho) and I will continue to follow your blog and recaps for a long time to come. WHEW...I said it and am not editing it. In short, Thanks, DP.
    With admiration and love, Macedonian Hussy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MH, With all my heart, no.

      Russell Crowe is playing Noah now. From the looks of it, it's pretty much Gladiator with a beard and without the Roman Army getup.

      DP

      Delete
  20. I think a lot of what happened with JP was what happens with women and men all the time. We see someone we think is attractive, and without knowing much about them, we project all sorts of qualities on them that they may or may not have. As we get to know them we find out they're not like we thought at all. And we're disappointed ... mad ... let down. Just like we felt with JP this season. No one had heard more than a few words out of him in Des' season, so the "popular demand" that brought him in as bachelor had to be the fans swooning over his looks and imagining what a great guy he would be. And, surprise surprise, he turned out to be not what we thought.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bon, you nailed it.

      Delete
    2. That's true in any relationship. However, there's a difference between being "not what someone thought" and being a total jerk off. Good points, however. DP

      Delete
    3. Oh, I wasn't saying he wasn't a total jerk off - just that until he opened his mouth, we didn't know!

      Delete
  21. DP thanks again for a great season. Wouldn't have watched without your posts. This season was a train wreck from the get go. Will pass on the letter to Clare if anyone I know knows her. She needs it. Well written. Looking forward to your off season posts.
    Paula in Sacramento

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Paula. I'll post in a day or so. DP

      Delete