Sunday, June 9, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree Special Conspiracy Bonus Post

Yes, that’s right, Readers.  After grinding out the last 6 months of posts I’ve finally found some extra time (and inspiration) to write this weekend.  I’m certain you’re all thrilled beyond words.  Allow me to explain. 

As is my custom, I spent a lot of time outdoors this weekend.  I lounged by my pool (yes, I have a pool.  I’m kind of a big deal), ran a few miles at Lady Bird Lake (yes, my stress fracture has healed), and biked around town in addition to hitting the Sunday afternoon Spin Class at my (and Brad Womack’s) gym. 

Lady Bird Lake, or Town Lake to those of us who have lived here a while. 

Why am I telling you this?  Stay with me, would you?  When a guy my age spends a few hours doing anything but sitting in his favorite chair and drinking beer it’s advisable to sit in my favorite chair and drink a beer, which is exactly where inspiration appeared today. 

In the absence of Bigfoot exploration shows featuring the latest “evidence” for the elusive, heretofore undiscovered, bi-pedal hominoid or grainy, black and white, Hitler documentaries my next choice is anything dealing with alleged conspiracies.  While flipping through my 900 channels of garbage I found a documentary on the assassination of American presidents.

I half listened when they discussed McKinley and Garfield but when the focus turned to Lincoln, the narrator inevitably played the Kennedy-Lincoln Similarity Card.  For those of you unfamiliar with this comparison, I’ll explain. 

I suppose this comparison is as old as the Kennedy assassination.  It seems to be rooted in everything from numerology to Nostradamus.  The gist of it is that Kennedy and Lincoln, both former U.S. Presidents assassinated in office, shared a few eerie coincidences.  The comparison, of course, begs the question as to how many Garfield and McKinley also share, but I suspect that would water the Kennedy Lincoln comparison down a bit. 

A few of these coincidences are listed below.

Both presidents were elected to the House of Representatives in '46.

Both presidents were elected to the presidency in '60.

Lincoln defeated incumbent Vice President John C. Breckenridge for the presidency in 1860; Kennedy defeated incumbent Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency in 1960.

Both their Vice Presidents and successors were Southern Democrats named Johnson (Andrew Johnson and Lyndon Johnson) who were born in '08.

Both presidents were shot in the head.

Both presidents were shot on a Friday in the presence of their wives.

Both presidents had a son die during their presidency.

Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre; Kennedy was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald in a Lincoln automobile, made by Ford.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who told him not to go to the theatre; Kennedy had a secretary named Evelyn Lincoln who warned him not to go to Dallas.

Booth ran from a theatre to a warehouse; Oswald ran from a warehouse to a theatre.

. . . and so on.  I’m certain we’ve all seen a version of this somewhere. 

While watching, it occurred to me that our current Bachelorette, Desiree, and a former Bachelorette, Emily, share many things in common as well.  After an extensive, unfruitful search of the quatrains I gave up on Nostradamus and decided to list the ones  that I find most chilling below.  Enjoy.

Des briefly dated a beefy Texan named Sean.
Emily briefly dated a beefy Texan named Brad.

Emily once said she will date a black guy.
Des dated Will, a black guy.

Growing up, Des had to deal with no money.
During her first season on the show, Emily had to deal with Michelle Money.

Since high school Des has driven a Civic.
In high school Emily failed Civics.

Des’ Honda requires a lot of attention and can be expensive to maintain.
Emily requires a lot of attention and is expensive to maintain.

Des has a secret chest where she hides her sketches.
Emily has secret sketches of her chest.

Growing up poor required Desiree to rely upon dented cans for food.
As an adult, Emily often relies upon her own cans to get a free meal.

During her season, Emily often reflected while walking aside babbling brooks.
During her season, Desiree walked while listening to Brooks babble.

Emily has two magnificently large boobs.
Desiree is dating 25 magnificently large boobs.

Emily is very fond of her white shorts.
Desiree is very fond of her brother, who is short and white.

Emily’s fiancé died tragically in a plane wreck.
Desiree’s search for a fiancé is likely to be a train wreck.

After she broke with Brad, Emily’s spirits were low.
Desiree was heartbroken after getting dumped by Sean Lowe.

Emily once rode an elephant in her white shorts in Thailand.
Des’ lost to a girl from Thailand because her brother became an elephant in the room.

Desiree took Sean home.
Emily dated Jef Holm.

(alright, I know that last one is a stretch.  Sue me.)


Des loves to ride around inside her Bentley.
Bentley would have loved to ride around inside Emily.

"I love Emily." 

So there it is:  Your bonus weekend post.  DP is traveling a bit for work this week, although I will be around Monday to watch Ben’s livid “friend” humiliate him (and herself in the process) on national TV.  I’ll post Episode 3’s recap on Wednesday or Thursday.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be looking for additional conspiracies.  FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.  Enjoy your week.  DP


  1. Priceless!

    you are a clever dude!
    thanks for the weekend update.

    1. mpotter, it's been a while but it's nice to see you back in the comment section. Thanks. DP

  2. DP,
    Thanks for the Monday morning laugh with my coffee. "Took Sean home, dated Jef Holm" made me laugh out loud! Your wit never ceases to amaze me, great post.

    1. I hope you didn't inhale your coffee through your nose. Thanks for using the word "amaze" in your comment. DP

  3. It's always fun when you post something completely off the wall, even better on a weekend! Had a few good laughs.

    Counting the days until your recap from tonight's episode. If it wasn't for your blog, I probably would not be watching.

    1. Thanks, Liana. Based on the previews it looks like I'll have plenty of material for the blog. DP

  4. Baaaaaahahahaha! Well done, SGIA!

    1. Stacey C, good to see you're still reading. It's been a while.

  5. Totally a classic!! Love it..thanks!

    Dianne in Toronto

    1. The Scarlett Letter is a Classic. This? Just humorous, I suppose. Thanks for reading. DP

  6. Classic is right!

  7. Hysterical!!! Thanks for the unexpected bonus!

  8. The Bentley 'climax' is what got me. Thank you for the extra laughs.
    Paula in Sacramento

    1. Tremendous choice of words, Paula in Sacramento. Tremendous.

  9. So, my hubs is a history buff and I knew some of those presidential facts but I wondered how you were going to interject your fabulous humor into the post... And then, as usual, you did not disappoint!!
    Leigh in the ATL

  10. Haha nailed itttttt

    Emily is very fond of her white shorts.
    Desiree is very fond of her brother, who is short and white.

  11. That last one was stellar. Great swerving set-up to that. ;)


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  13. DP, I'm so behind on this season! Even worse, I am behind on your blog! This bonus post was a hoot. Those Emily/Des coincidences were downright spooky. It's like they are the same person ;)