Hello, Readers. Welcome back. Some Guy is on the road this week (as usual) and I’m thrilled to let you know that I did take the time to watch the show last night. Just to clarify: by “thrilled” I mean the feeling a person gets when he realizes he’s at the tail (no pun intended) end of a stomach virus. In fact, there were points in the show last night when I would have traded a stomach virus for having to sit through another minute of it. Handstand push ups? Hurricane destruction tours? Michael’s incessant whining? Manny and Jan? Come on.
I half expected Harrison to announce that Ted McGinley was taking his place as host. For those of you who don’t get that reference Google “jumping the shark” and it will all make sense. Top that off with the fact that every person on the show (Des included) looked as over the whole thing as I was and you’ll begin to feel my pain. Oh, and I’m out of Lone Star too.
|Oh, Fleiss. You're digging your own grave.|
With the Amazing Count at an unprecedented 77 and the Journey count at an ever-expanding 24, let’s get to it.
After his lead in Harrison enters in the plaid-est of the plaid shirts I’ve ever seen. His half rolled cuffs were accented with a non-plaid design. Let’s face it. He’s looked better. He needs to ditch that look and go back to being Chris Freaking Harrison, the overpaid, under worked host of the Bachelor series.
13 dudes, 3 dates, and we’re all going to “exotic” Atlantic City. What in the hell happened to the budget on this show? I suppose they’re saving the money trip for the top 10 guys. No sense in throwing money out the suite window. Either that or Harrison’s embroidered cuff demands forced cuts in other areas. It’s like an ABC version of the Sequestration.
Ben reminds us that he’s got a son, doesn’t care what people think, and he’s not there to make friends (whatever) before Desiree walks casually along the Atlantic City Boardwalk in seasonally appropriate attire while contemplating her remaining options. They must have filmed that early in the week. It was the only time she didn’t look like she was in full regret of her decision to poontang around with 25 dudes for a month while being constantly filmed.
The men hit the Money Suite and “find” the Date Card. Kasey and his high-altitude hair read it. “Brad, let our love shine through. Desiree.” Brad looks at picture of his kid and ponders his domestic violence arrest and the inevitable defamation lawsuit being filed in the appropriate jurisdiciton by the mother of that child before getting ready to bore Desiree for a full day.
In light of the agony that I had to endure for your sake, I won’t return the favor by boring you any more than I’m obligated to bore you. I’ll give her (some) credit for trying but Des was quickly reminded that a person can’t make water boil by staring at it. Hell, a pot of water on a stove would have been far more interesting than Brad.
Des did get a bit of passive-aggressive revenge, however. She made the guy ascend the largest spiral staircase in the history of spiral staircases and then immediately dumped him and made him walk down to an awaiting cab. She turned the bayonet by giving him the “I don’t want to take you away from your son” speech. Ouch.
The only thing that outnumbered the stairs that poor bastard had to climb was the number of times Des used the word “if” when talking about Brad. We all saw it coming like a Mikey T. five o'clock shadow at 4:59 p.m. I’ve seen smaller staircases in Escher paintings, for crying out loud. I wasn’t sure if the guy was crying because he was upset at being dumped or out of the excruciating pain caused by the lactic acid build up in his legs. Chin up, Brad. Defamation is really hard to prove.
Bryden reverts back to his Dumb and Dumber haircut and the swim shirts his mom bought him at Target this week. He reads the Group Date Card. “I’m looking for my Mr. Right. Desiree” Brooks, Bryden, Zak, Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zack, Mikey T., Ben, Michael, and Chris get the nod.
James gets the 1 on 1 and leaves to don a silky robe and eat chocolate covered strawberries in the bubble bath. I wondered if he was expecting the next Bachelor to pick him up instead of Desiree. Hell, he should have given that pageant coach from the group date a call. I’m sure that guy enjoys strawberries (and bananas no doubt) in the bathtub. Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .
The guys perform the Chump Strut toward Des who awaits knowingly in her seasonally appropriate attire at Boardwalk Hall. Brooks says she’s like a unicorn. “Horny?” I thought.
Again, I’ll spare you the stupidity that followed. Harrison kicks it with Miss America 2013 who looked more like Miss America 2003 before introducing Christopher Dean, “one of America’s most well known pageant coaches.” Frankly, this surprised me. I cross-referenced my list of well known American pageant coaches and Christopher Dean was not on it. I felt silly.
Not surprisingly, Christopher Dean is a sissy. A big sissy. The guy was as queer as a dog sweater, which if I’m honest, is probably the quality I’d search for if I was going to hire a man to coach a pageant queen. Hire a straight dude and then you’re looking at a pregnant, former pageant queen.
After a ridiculous “talent” competition that included an oiled and amped up Mikey T. dispelling any notion that he has even a scintilla of the Meathead gene by doing shirtless handstand push ups and walking around like an ape with an erection at the height of mating season. Meathead indeed. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. He laughed at himself and seemed to have fun with it. Like the rap video, he went for broke. It just didn’t’ work this time.
Brooks ends up as Second runner up. Zak W. pulls in a hard-earned First runner up and Kasey emerges as the Big Winner of the Mr. Bachelor America Contest. I’ll bet his dad is so proud.
Again, I’ve picked on a couple of guys but I’ll give them all credit for making the most of the incredibly awkward situation that they were all thrown blindly into. The only idiot who took it too seriously was Drew Pavelka. He pisses me off. I’m curious to see what the other men say about him in the Men Tell All. Oh wait, no I’m not.
Rooftop cocktail party. Des was boring, or was it bored? Chris shares a poem so bad that the editors chose to muffle it out in post-production. Nice try, though. He’s a shade less boring than Brad but she sees something in him. Perhaps he “looks like a unicorn” if you know what I mean.
Michael continues to whine about Ben and confuses a pretty good strategy move for “Latent insecurity” as everyone but the ever-calm Juan Pablo allows Ben to get inside his head.
Zak, who continues to rally after week one plays his song again. He’s no Wes Hayden. Then again, maybe he is. Do any of you think her brother is going to buy the “listen to this song I wrote for Des” bit on the hometown? Doubt it.
Zak gets the rose. He earned it. Chris laments his loss. Hey Chris, Musicians get chicks. Poets get government grants. Sign up for piano lessons when you head home next week.
Date Card. “James, can our love weather the storm?”
Could James have been any cheesier? Gelled hair and pinky sipping mimosas were his lead off. He eventually progressed to a sort of head butt, nose-to-forehead kiss move that Des did her best to ignore. She likely ended up with whiplash after a couple of those things.
They tour the disaster area created by Hurricane Sandy before hooking up with Manny and Jan and giving them the gift of dinner and a limo ride. Nice gesture but man was that segment painful to watch.
For anyone who grew up near the Gulf Coast hurricanes are a fact of life. I’ve been through 4 and 1 tropical storm myself. They are scary, very destructive, and serve as a reminder that property is just property but there’s only one Manny for every Jan on the planet. They seemed like nice folks and I was glad to see them enjoy dinner. I kept wondering which intern they were related to.
Des opens up about life, money, love, and her future before James submarines it with his “back story.” Look, I get it that they’re all asked to bring up some “how I overcame tragedy” story but this one clearly took the cake.
His big “I learned” was cheating on his girlfriend of 5 years when he was a freshman in college. In other words, he dated a girl from the age of 13 to 18 and then cheated on her when he went to college. Is there honestly ANY person who doesn’t have a story similar to that? Please. I’ll bet somewhere in an apartment complex near her office Sarah was waving one arm angrily at her television set with a WTF? look on her face.
One final point on his big reveal. It’s probably not a wise decision to lead with an I cheated story on your first date with a woman you see as your (potential) wife. If he’s so convinced it won’t happen again then why bring it up 10 years later? Surely a man, even with James’ brains, can do better than that. He’s never had a hernia at cross fit or a grass burn in football practice? For some reason, Des bought it. By “some reason” I mean that she was told to buy it because the producers got wind of his desire to be the next Bachelor and needed to set him up for next week’s beatdown.
Hootie serenades them and they join Manny and Jan for a nightcap. He got a rose.
Bryden wants out. Des shows up in black sequins. Michael feels he earned a horrible, unwanted kiss after making up adjectives with the first three letters of Des’ name. Like Brooks, Michael had a bandage on an appendage that could be seen when he forced a kiss on Des. I assumed that he hadn’t hurt in in the dodgeball game like Brooks; rather, it probably got hurt from being firmly planted in his own rectum for the majority of the last few episodes.
Des has a fake one on one with Bryden who essentially almost dumps her at her own cocktail party but then decides the free trip is the least ABC can do for him after having to endure Ben . . . and Desiree for that matter.
Harrison ding dings. The Roses went down as follows:
2. Zak W.
5. Juan Pablo
11. Mikey T.
Zack lost with class . . . until he cried.
Well, there it is, folks. I have a few surprises in store but I’ll reveal those over the next week or two. Stay tuned. Thanks, as always, for reading and for being patient. Follow me on Twitter. I’ll live Tweet during the show next week and during the in-between whenever some thing strikes my fancy. And we all know who much I like my Fancy stricken. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be getting oiled up while doing handstand push ups. DP