Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Off Season Post 26: The Jig is Up. . . and HUGE!

Hello, Readers and welcome to this pre-Thanksgiving installment of whatever happens to be bouncing around in my head this week. It's always amazing to me where I find inspiration. This week I found it in an unlikely place. I’d like to give credit to my virtual friend, HK, who writes a wonderful blog entitled She was nice enough to send me an email and when I responded I asked her how she was doing. After telling me she was having a lousy day, she suggested I respond with something to make her smile. In return, I did what I always do when I’m put on the spot for a quick laugh: I resorted to a d*ck joke.

As I’ve been whining about for the past two weeks, you should know by now that I’m staring back to back trial settings in the face and I’ve been busier than the new girl on dollar night at the Bunny Ranch lately. Because of that, my ability to post has suffered in addition to the quiet time I have to find ideas to post about. However, thanks to the A-hole that ruined HK’s day, I have found quick and easy inspiration.

For the next five minutes I am going to list every anatomy joke that pops into my head. Feel free to use these; however, after your effort is met with either laughter or an appalled look, please give Some Guy some credit for his material. I promise to have something substantive drafted for you higher thinkers out there in the next week or so. However, in the meantime, please enjoy your trip down into the gutter with me. Let’s get to it.

My d*ck is SO big . . .

. . . that IT has a nickname for ME.

It’s SO big, I once went to a nude beach and Greenpeace tried to throw it back in the water.

It’s huge, I’m telling you. It’s so big, it has snow on top of it in the summer.

In fact, most women need a Sherpa and an ice axe in order to get to the top of it. It’s THAT big.

It’s SO big, I have to wear a roller skate on the end of it when I go jogging.

It does two shows a day at Sea World.

GIANT, I’m saying.

It’s so big I can drive a stick shift without using my left foot.

It’s talented too. It’s so big and talented that it once tried out for ‘N Sync.

Lance Bass tried to make friends with it.

It’s SO big that when I was a little boy it had its tonsils taken out.

It’s difficult to travel too. In fact, I have to pay $25.00 to check it curbside at the airport.

I once went to Minnesota and Paul Bunyon tried to chop it down. I impregnated Babe the Blue Ox while I was there. HUGE, I’m telling you.

I went to Washington D.C. and Japanese tourists took pictures in front of it. It’s so big it has its own reflection pool.

I’m not kidding when I say it’s big. Military families tie yellow ribbons around it.

I drank too many Lone Stars one night and ended up giving the Grand Canyon stretch marks. HUGE!

It’s so big, the IRS suggested I list it as a dependent on my tax returns. BIG.

I went to Rockefeller Center at Christmas time and Mayor Bloomberg tried to light it.

It’s huge. In fact, the doctor had to use a hacksaw to circumcise me.

It once earned extra money when it got a summer job snaking the Alaska Pipeline. I mean the thing is enormous.

It has its own heart and lungs.

At boring parties, I use it as a limbo pole.

It’s so big I feed it mice.

Aaaand, finally . . .

When I'm done making love I have to yell "Timber!"

Well, there it is; a couple dozen d*ck jokes in under five minutes. I hope at least one of them brought a smile to your face, even if you’re ashamed at yourself for laughing. I’m going to take the suggestions I’ve received for posts and try to get something substantive written right before Thanksgiving so you have an excuse to retreat to a private place with your laptop or iPad and escape your family for a bit over the holiday. Have a fantastic, safe, and happy Thanksgiving week and get some rest in anticipation of Black Friday. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be at Wal-Mart. My d*ck got a seasonal job as a velvet rope. DP


  1. All I have to say is... YIKES! lol :-)

  2. Does it have its own zip code too?

  3. Anon, nice work on the unsolicited d*ck joke. DP

  4. I should be ashamed that I not only laughed at all of your jokes but I had one of my own.

    Thank you for the laughs today and good luck with your trials!

    Denise in Alabama

  5. My husband's friends call him tripod.

  6. For the love of dick jokes, you left out the best one - think navigation system. Thanks for making me laugh - next time forewarn me to get off the phone with my boss.

  7. HK, noted. I'll give you a "heads up" next time. Man, I kill me. Oh, and for te woman who's husband is named Tripod, I assume his friends refer to you as "bowlegs"? DP

  8. OMG, everything really is bigger in Texas!

    I think you also answered Derek's question about the secret to a successful looooooooong distance relationship ;)

  9. dp2, always nice to see you in the comment section. It's refreshing to know that a person of your sharp intellect also appreciates base anatomy humor. Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting. DP

  10. Good Lord.

    Enjoyed HK's blog! Thanks for sharing.

    HK, you hate the word moist?!? That cracks me up!!!

    p.s. my hub was looking up info on vasectomies tonight and came upon the stats of penis sizes on a men's health website that said the longest one on record is 12 inches and the shortest "functioning" one on record is 1/2 inch. Just FYI...

  11. Thanks for the statistical analysis, hartamber. Oh, and we all know you were the one performing the online search. Thanks for taking us further into the gutter. DP

  12. OMG, dp2...if that's true about DP's sausage, then the man has no weakness! I'm getting toungue tied just thinking about it, girlfriend! Also, I agree with an the boys always enjoy your comments.

    Also, that's interesting hartamber. 12 inches is scary. However, a 1/2 inch is just disgusting. That would have to be humiliating.

    Love and laughs,

  13. Nice post this week, Some Guy! You've told "dick" jokes ever since I can remember. If there was ever a dull momemnt we could always count on you to bust one out. I believe your earliest dick jokes originated in high school and centered around a mutual friend of ours with the initials B.R., correct?

    By the way, I heard this one a while back. My first thought is that it probably came from you.

    "My dick is so big, that when I'm sitting at home in Texas I can get a blow job in Oklahoma".


  14. .....and deeper into the gutter we descend. Good Lord. I'll have to dust off my sophistication hat next week. DP

  15. thanks for the jokes, thanks for the laugh.... Appreciate the effort to post, was not sure what to do with my time I set aside to read your blogs.

  16. OMG my face hurts from laughing! (and yes, I'm a little embarrassed that I laughed so much). Good post for November ... the month where we have Erection Day, right?

  17. Love the jokes....

    ~Jerry Sandusky

  18. Bwahahaha...great post to make my Friday even better. I love me some dirty jokes - love them even more when they come out of the mouth of my 76 year old Memaw from Austin. Here's a "tip" for you....even the court enjoys an occasional roll in the gutter.

    True story about my g-ma to make y'all giggle. Years ago I was dating a guy that I took to Austin to meet Memaw. He just so happened to have a fever blister on his mouth that day. Memaw pulls me aside and makes me promise her that I won't let him go...ahem...near my lady parts while that is still on his mouth cuz I could get....HERPES!! God, I love my Memaw!!!



  20. Solid work. It's nice to see my image is still in tact. DP

  21. my husband's grandmother was very deaf and had dementia. she loved to sing...

    When I want it I want it so bad
    If I cant have it i get so mad
    When I finally do I feel so frisky
    its not what your thinkin'
    its my good old friend, whiskey

    did I mention she was deaf and you full on screamed when you talked to her and she screamed right back....