Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Final Off Season Post: Valium, Vicodin, Verbosity, and Veracity

Hello, Readers—what’s left of you at this point—and welcome back from my self-imposed get well hiatus due to the less-than-pleasant oral surgery that I had about 10 days ago. For those of you who care, like certain parts of the Bachelor contestants after a night in the Fantasy Suite, my face is still a bit puffy and sore, but I’m recovering nicely. Thanks to all of you who took the time to send me well wishes, emails, and half naked pictures of Pippa Middleton. They were all instrumental parts of my recovery. Coincidentally, there are several bars in Austin that are now unexpectedly stocked with an overabundance of Lone Star Beer. In short, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Flashback a few days and picture a doped up, swollen version of Some Guy in Austin lying on his couch swimming in the delirium of a post-surgical haze. When a person is laid up and chock full of Vicodin and Valium he tends to have a lot of time to ponder life’s deepest questions. Granted, that person can hardly spell the word “life” during that legally-sanctioned, prescription-induced bender, but life’s big questions do rattle around inside his head.

Normally, my thought process can be likened to a school of tadpoles in a shallow pond. They sit there patiently waiting for the interrupted stillness and then dash forward in an orderly, organized fashion with a strong sense of purpose and an uncontrollable desire to live and be heard.

My thought process on the generous supply of Valium and Vicodin prescribed by my doctor was more akin to the bubbles inside of a lava lamp. Thoughts slowly and unpredictably emerged from the mass of gelatinous mush at the bottom of the lamp where they eventually broke off into smaller, directionless bubbles and floated aimlessly toward the top only to collide with other aimless bubbles before bouncing around and falling gently downward and being reabsorbed by the shapeless mass below without accomplishing anything. In short, I was higher than Chicago gas prices for a few days and I got nothing done.

The silence I experienced is a rare thing in my life. Frankly, at one point there was a realization that a.) I’m rarely alone for more than a couple of hours, and b.) aside from the shower and my mid-morning trip down the hall for my post-coffee “consult,” I rarely have the time to really sit and think. After a day or two, I experienced flashes of clarity—some profound, some not so profound. At a certain point, I began to record my thoughts. What you see below is the result of my efforts. Keep in mind that I was loaded with narcotics. The following stuff actually went through my head in the span of a couple of hours. With that said, let’s get to it.


There were moments during my recovery when I could feel every muscle and every bone in my body literally stinging with age. I don’t consider myself old; however, I don’t consider myself young anymore either. Frankly, I’m in the sweet spot. In other words, I’m old enough to date a recently divorced M.I.L.F. (look it up if you don’t know what that means) but young enough to have a fling with her oldest daughter. Granted, I’m not in the habit of doing either of those things, but if I wanted to capitalize, now is the time. I’m just saying.  After all, a man is only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx said that and I’m happy to steal it.

Incidentally, I believe the plural form of “M.I.L.F.” is “Milves.” What’s that? Use it in a sentence? “Some Guy in Austin went to the mall and saw a bunch of Milves when he walked by Build-A-Bear Workshop.”

“Bunch of Milves.” Is that the correct nomenclature in order to refer to an instance where more than two Milves congregate? Let’s see, there’s a Pack of Wolves, a Gaggle of Geese, a Murder of Crows, and a Herd of Cattle. I suppose a “Bunch of Milves” will work. Then again, I do like the alliteration of “Myriad of Milves,” “Mass of Milves,” “Morsel of Milves,” “Mob of Milves,” “Multitude of Milves,” or “Mountain of Milves.” It certainly makes it easier to remember. Annnyyyyyyhoooo . . .

Because I was given the unique opportunity of feeling older than I actually am, I began to ponder my inevitable Mid-Life Crisis. Granted, it’s still early, but planning is essential, I reasoned, and now is as good a time as any to kick around a few ideas.

Hair plugs and a sports car is a logical place to start; however, I have a full head of hair and I can’t afford a sports car. Besides, I normally don’t feel my age. I always feel like an 18 year old. Unfortunately, there’s never one around. Ahh, my first one liner in two weeks. It’s good to be back.

For the record, I probably can’t afford an 18 year old either. Well, unless we’re talking mail order bride from Russia or the Philippines, but with my luck “Svetlana” or “Imelda” would quickly discover the bastions of teen fashion Hollister, Gadzooks, or Forever 21 and I’d be broke before either one of them figured out that the crap they paid top dollar for at those stores was actually manufactured by their much younger brethren and smuggled into this country in a shipping container not unlike the one they were surreptitiously loaded into with a gallon of water, some assorted candies, and a urine jar in order to get over here in the first place.

So much for my Mid-Life Crisis.

And another thing: why is “Philippines” spelled with a “ph” but people from that part of the world are referred to as “Filipino:” with an “F?” Seems odd, doesn’t it? It’s a damn good thing that rule doesn’t apply in Thailand. People from Phuket would be called Fuckers.


Speaking of fuckers, the next season of the Bachelorette is getting ready to begin on May 23 and that means my Monday nights—and the first few hours of every new Tuesday—are booked for the next 10 weeks in order that I might regale my loyal and seasonal readers with example after example of my sharp wit and beguiling humor. In order to “prepare” for the upcoming hoopla, I took the time between my Zen-like trips beyond reality to review the ABC.com website in order to remind myself how big Ashley’s forehead is and to see this season’s Parade of Putzes vying for a possible chance at becoming the potential Mr. Fivehead . . . maybe. Hey, do you think Brad and Emily will be invited back along with Ryan and Trista and Jason and Molly to offer some advice on how to handle the stress of . . . oh, wait.

Bangs are the right choice for Ashley, but she’s still just not that attractive to me. I can’t wait to see her judgey, tattooed, attention-seeking, dangerously bitter-below-the surface sister again.

I’ll get to the individual breakdown of the guys next week. We all know that set up sets the tone for the season. Besides, I’d hate to plant any preconceptions in the readers’ minds about the favorite, the psycho, and the dark horse. I’m sure there are wagers being made as I type this and I don’t want to mess up the odds.

I will say that collectively the guys look more like the headshots they’ve submitted were taken during a casting call for the Summer tour of Rent rather than an offering as single men vying for the attention of Ashley’s forehead. Did anyone else notice that?

Look, I doubt that ALL of these guys are gay, but come on. As I looked through the pictures, I could almost hear the Maroon 5 playing in the background. I’m surprised that half these guys didn’t answer “Anderson Cooper” when asked who they admire most. Pastel shirts? Plump Red Lips? Tanning cream? Either something is super gay in Denmark or the airbrush ABC used to tighten up the headshots was inadvertently locked on the Ricky Martin setting.

For crying out loud, one guy admits to having a crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is fortuitous considering the fact that it appears that Arnold is going to have a little spare time on his hands for the rest of his life. Oops.

Remember my comments a few weeks ago about the dangers of revealing long ago infidelity in a marriage when the affair is over? I suppose that applies here, but to be fair to Arnold, it must have been difficult to explain why the housekeeper’s kid spoke with an Austrian accent and had a tendency to bench press his crib. I feel bad for Maria and the kids, especially the illegitimate one. Let’s be honest, though. There are plenty of 10 year old illegitimate kids running around the country without having Conan the Barbarian royalties to go after. At least he’s got that going for him. Back to the “men.”

Another guy claims “hairdresser” as his occupation and another dude (check out thirty-five year old Tim from Massapequa) makes Liza Minelli’s ex-husband look masculine. Hell, he even makes Liza look feminine. I’m certain he’s a Judy Garland fan as well. Again, ALL of these guys can’t be gay, but where there’s smoke there’s fire and where there’s fire you can always find a few flames. Now THAT would be a hell of a twist this season. I can’t wait to see which one of these guys is going to make it past a couple of rounds and then admit to Ashley during a one-on-one that when he filled out the application to be on the show, he thought he was signing up to meet Brad Womack. I literally can’t wait.

Derek and the Boys from South Beach are aware that I don’t care where two consenting men prefer to park their manhood and God knows I don’t care which side of the field a person punts from; however, signing up for a reality show where the intent is to court and marry a woman is a situation where that sort of thing does matter. I’m curious to know what Derek and the Boys can tell us heterosexuals about the selection of suitors this time around. I’m certain they’ll have fun watching the first episode.

Tune in next Tuesday when Some Guy plans to dust off all of his weapons in an effort to provide you an entertaining play by play account of the courting, carousing, and crying. Next subject.


Trees are green. Cedar trees have weird, stringy bark that peels off and smells nice but I’m allergic to cedar so even though I enjoy the sight and smell of the cedar trees in and around Austin, I can’t fully enjoy them because my eyes itch and my chest gets a bit congested when I’m around them. This happens when I go for mountain bike rides in the Hill Country or run down by Barton Creek during the pollination seasons. Live oaks are beautiful tress with thick, immovable bark and powerful, broadly reaching limbs. I like them. When I see the open limbs of a live oak tree I think they look like the open arms of a person and then I invariably think about the recurring dream that Holden Caufield had in Catcher in the Rye where he ran, arms outstretched, toward the children trying to preserve their innocence. O.J. wasn’t innocent but I don’t think it would have mattered if he was because Holden Caufield was a pussy and if O.J. was running toward him in a field of rye grass there is no way Holden could tackle him. I like milkshakes as well. I’m not allergic to them although some people—particularly Hispanics—are lactose intolerant and probably don’t enjoy milkshakes as much as I do. I wonder if they sell less milkshakes in San Antonio because of all of the Hispanics there. Apparently, they found something to replace the milkshake there because San Antonio is literally one of the fattest cities in America. It’s too bad San Antonio isn’t near Phuket, Thailand because then it would be the Phattest City in America, which is an entirely different thing. I think I took one too many pills.


It’s been said that a good piece of literature is like a woman’s skirt: It should be long enough to cover the really good stuff, but short enough to keep a person interested. And, with that, I’ll wind up today’s entry and get some much needed mental rest in order to gear up for the big premier next week.

As always, thank you all for reading, tolerating me, and sending your thoughts and comments. Thank you to all of you who stayed with me during the off season. I hope I continued to entertain despite my departure from my usual material.

I’ll see you back here next week for the rundown of the new season. Take care of yourselves and the people you love and give thanks for what you have. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be watching Anderson Cooper on mute while dancing around my living room with Maroon 5 on the radio and a class of sangria in my hand. DP


  1. Glad you are feeling better. It speaks volumes to the writer inside you that took notes while legally high. Love it.

    I will always be a reader and honestly enjoy the off season just as much, if not more as the Bachelor/Bachelorette postings.

    Can't wait to see who you predict to take this one home. You were really close last time! :)

  2. Totally noticed the guys that looked gay. What the hell! I may need to raid your medicine cabinet to get through this season. Save some for me. Thank goodness for your blog. It always does the trick.

  3. I'm on the gay train too! - showed several people bach pictures because I couldn't believe they signed up - one even has 2 chihauha's!!!! Very anxious to hear what Derek and the boys in S. Beach have to say about the roster. Thanks for taking time to write to us/for us even when you are not feeling your best - totally agree with Tiffany that all of your blogs keep me entertained and it's a blast getting to know you too. Heading to Austin this weekend to hang with my stepdaughter - I'm too old for you and she's too young, but we'd buy you a Lone Star if we could!
    Karen in Dallas

  4. DP, glad to know you are feeling better. I've had oral surgery in the past and it's no fun, especially since I am allergic to anything with Codeine in it.

    Loved your random thoughts, and admire you for taking notes while on your medically induced high. You the man!

    I had commented before on the gayness (is that a word?) of most of the guys lined up for the Bachelorette this season. Can't wait to read your blog next week.

    I am a die hard fan, some of your off season blogs have been my favorites.

  5. Welcome back Some Guy! Love your random thoughts last week just wasn't the same without you. Still don't know if I can handle a whole season of Ashley crying but here we go!!

  6. Welcome back, DP. I'm so glad you're feeling better!

    Hope you can renew your scripts before Ashley's season, which promises to be painful for many reasons. I'm with you on this group of pretenders and wonder if ABC posted headshots from a Glee-like knock-off instead of the Bachelorette. Perhaps the guys will come across better than I think, but on paper at least, they look pretty pathetic.

  7. I *love* that you took notes of your random musings while legally doped up. The "Trees" section especially made me laugh.

    On the Bachelorette thread... Why doesn't Jeff (35) from St. Louis have a picture?

  8. Loved the random thoughts! Adorable :)

  9. Always love the off season, but with lines like this...I literally can't wait for next week!

    "Again, ALL of these guys can’t be gay, but where there’s smoke there’s fire and where there’s fire you can always find a few flames. Now THAT would be a hell of a twist this season. I can’t wait to see which one of these guys is going to make it past a couple of rounds and then admit to Ashley during a one-on-one that when he filled out the application to be on the show, he thought he was signing up to meet Brad Womack. I literally can’t wait. "

  10. I forgot to ask my important question. Gadzooks still exists?!?!?

  11. cara, hartamber, and mary, ahhh, it's nice to see your lovely, familiar faces commenting. I'm ready for the new season but dreading watching Ashley for 10 weeks. I'm sure it will be entertaining. I suppose Gadzooks exists. I need to go to the mall and update my references, I suppose. DP

  12. DP and the girls.....Bless your hearts!! Thanks for the shout out. I must agree with you. I was floored at this crop of imposters. Definitely some queers posing as straight guys. With that said, these guys are freaking hot to trot. I don't even know where to start. Talk about getting a little hot under the collar when I finally had a chance to check out the pictures. OMG!!! This is going to be the best bachelorette ever. Me and the boys took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale last weekend and visited out two favorite bars/hangouts (Georgie's Alibi and The Cubby Hole). However, we did not even make it out of the hotel until 11pm because we were all arguing over which bachelor was the hottest. I would love to find out where that Bachelor Pad is. I would take the entire Cuban Missile Crisis down there and crash that little party. OMG it would be epic.
    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys

  13. "Something is super gay in Denmark" - love that line and totally agree!!

    I kind of can't wait for Monday because I always prefer the Bachelorette over the Bachelor, but I just really really wish it wasn't Ashley. Not a fan. ABC's lucky for you and Lincee because they probably would have lost half their viewers by now.

  14. DP, love dthe random thoughts! Tree section was so funny and how we all (druged or not)go off on one subject and then another thought enters and we coudl spend all day pondering things.

    I would not suggest the last part of watching Anderson Cooper, Maroon 5, etc. as Derek and the Boys will pay you a visit.
    Great as always, Kim in Nevada

    PS hartamber...are you reading the Dragon Chronicles? Is it bad to make my 10 year old son listen to me read the books so he can do a book review on them? We are on Fire Eternal and just got in our Fire World the other day. So excited!!

  15. Glad you are feeling better!

    I love trees and milkshakes too.
    I am glad Emily and Pippa were there feeding you pills and drinks.
    But, why didn't you mention the dolphins and double rainbow?

    TLEW ~ Nashville

  16. Derek, while I appreciate the feedback, I'm distraught to learn that you and the Boys are cheating on me. Oh, the heartbreak. Just remember when you're drooling over all of those metrosexuals that I'm may be a rugged piece of leather, but I'm well put together.

    TLEW, the double rainbow didn't hit me. I wasn't that high.


  17. Oh, stop it Some Guy. Nobody's cheating on you silly. At least half of these men, at the very least, are bisexual and are what my boyfriends and I find look for in a man. Our heterosexual Italian stallion in cowboy boots with a soft/sensitive side will always be our forbidden fruit. I am really looking forward to this next season. You are so entertaining and keep me and the boys giggling like little school girls.

  18. On another note I have been waiting for years for them to have a series of "the bachelor" where half the women are transvestites.


  19. LOVED the thought process tadpoles-to-lava lamp-bubbles graphs! Boss was at lunch so I read it aloud to my co-workers (who are all writers, by the way, and loved it too!)
    My old lady soccer team (we're all soccer moms who started our own team and play against girls mostly in their early 20s) was going to be called the MILFS, then we realized our kids wouldn't believe us when we said it stood for Mothers In Long Flannel Shirts. We were MLC (Mid Life Crisis) in our first season but decided that wasn't cool, then we named ourselves the Landsharks. The guy who distributes that beer at our favorite post-game strategy session venue found out and donates a case to us every other week. Good name.
    I also love hearing Derek's favorite hangout names! Georgie's Alibi? Awesome.
    Looking forward to the season!

  20. DP,

    Your off season posts are my favorite. Would you consider doing a recap of Swap People every week? I think you would have just as much material as the Bachelor/Bachelorette.


  21. Swamp People??? You're right, Meredith...that would be funny, but Ewwwhh! Those old country men just make me want to gag.

  22. Oh, by the way....thanks for the shout out, Clare! Me and the boys were in the Tampa/Clearwater area this weekend and stopped by a trendy little upscale bar in Ybor City. It was called the Honey Pot. Me and the boys were dressed to the nines and had a blast. The new people that I met were so much fun and the cosmo's were the bomb. OMG...I love the weekends!

  23. DP, hope you are feeling ok! It's not fun to go through any medical procedure :( that being said, I am glad it was over before tonight's premiere! Derek, I would strongly suggest starting a blog of your own to give us your recap, or at least weigh in on Some Guy's recap! You are SUCH a hoot! DP, I had my baby shower last weekend and there was no diaper cake... wish you would have been there to provide one! ;)

  24. Stacey C - OMG...thank you so much sweetheart! A star is born, huh? LOL...I'm totally kidding. I've never blogged much, but love some of the attention that I'm getting. I'm really having lots of fun now, though. I guess those pics of Some Guy modeling underwear really got my motor started. I plan on weighing in on DP's recap every week.
    Love and laughs,

  25. Sorry so late to read your post, but I loved it. Trees was the best but everything was laughable. Thank you for entertaining us even when you are high as a kite!

    -Post it Girl