Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 1: Tim Freaking Rules

Sorry for the delay, folks. I had a 7am flight today and I got delayed on the way home. This damn “real” job is cramping my style. Here we go.

Hello, Loyal Readers, and welcome back to a fresh new season of our favorite show. It’s been a long off season for me and I’m thrilled to back in my element again. Special thanks go out to all of you who stuck with me during the off season. For those of you who didn’t, well that’s alright too, I suppose. Welcome back.

Before I begin my fancy recap, I’d like to send out a special request to all of you reading this. As I’ve mentioned before, I spend a lot of my creative capital during the season creating this blog into the wee hours of the night. Selfishly, I’d love for as many people to read this as possible. Do me a favor and comment a little more this season. Send the link to friends (or enemies depending on your take on it). In short, please be my pimp this year. My secret goal is to far exceed the average readership I’ve been getting over the past few seasons. Now, in the spirit of pimping people out, let’s get to it.

Actually, before I begin I have to admit that I’ve had a difficult time getting motivated to write about this show for another season. Sure, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let all of you down, but there’s also a part of me that’s so sick of this show I’ve strongly considered selling all of my worldly possessions in order to fund a one way trip to Montana to start my own country where, after carefully creating my anti-establishment manifesto, I’d sit stoically and vigilantly awaiting the arrival of the Feds. Eventually, I’d be forced into a gun battle after refusing to surrender. The government would undoubtedly run roughshod over my undermanned compound forcing me to surrender and sending my six teenaged wives back into foster care after being deprogrammed by an FBI psychiatrist.

Frankly, I don’t think the sum value of my worldly possessions is enough to buy my own country in Montana. Instead, I’ve simply committed to writing this blog in the nude every week in sort of a passive-aggressive protest to the content of the show to which I’m inextricably linked. Actually, writing in the nude wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that I usually write this at the coffee shop down the street. However, writing in the buff will serve as a spark on the dried twigs of my creative shrubbery. Besides, I can type a lot faster now that I no longer need my thumbs to hit the space bar. It will be much easier to count to 21 too. Anyyyyhoooo. . . .

Now, let’s really get to it.

THE SET UP

Under the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” line of reasoning, we begin this season in an identical fashion to the way we begin every season. We see shots of the pre-makeover Ashley whining over Brad while simultaneously displaying that dinner plate of a forehead she owns. We see a replay of her carnival date as Ashley reminds us of what has become the common theme for repeat contestants: I was broken then but I’ve grown now. Yawn.

Ashley pretends really hard that she was actually fell in love with Brad and we are reminded again about how much she whined and equivocated toward the later part of the season. Then, as if the show was specifically designed to piss me off, Ashley drops a “Brad and I’s relationship” as we see her getting the heave ho in South Africa.

Grammatical snafus aside, Ashley demonstrates her new found confidence by jogging, brooding, and introspectively strolling through the streets of Philadelphia in various work out gear before eventually ending up sharing her feelings via interpretive dance after apparently breaking into the local opera house. Opera house? I thought this b*tch was a dentist.

As bored as I was already, I have to admit that she looked good. Granted, I don’t find her especially attractive from the neck up even in spite of the smoky eyes and carefully muted make up; however, unlike Ali before her she looked fit and ready to go. Nice job, Ashley. Way to put in the work.

After her Tenley impression, we see Ashley doing some fake dentisting and dance instructing. Her midriff is in full view. In fact, I believe even her dental scrubs were carefully hemmed into a half shirt. I’m not certain yet, but based upon a comparative analysis of last season’s pool shots, I think she might have had an ABC-induced (and probably financed) boob job. I’ll get back to you on that theory, though. I’m not certain if they’re real or not. Then again, as far as I’m concerned, if I can touch a pair of boobs, they’re real.

Ashley eventually takes her half shirts and sports bras from Philadelphia to Los Angeles and substitutes the steps of the capital for the steps on the Santa Monica Pier. She jogs, broods, and introspectively walks in hopes of “finding love again.” Whatever. Then she introspectively drives “her” Maserati while brooding and thinking about jogging. “Where the f*ck is Harrison?” I asked my television before popping the top off my first Lone Star Beer of the season. “Let’s get the freaking love hunt on the road, for God’s sake,” I thought as we hear Ashley drop this season’s theme: No Regrets. Ironically, I already had regrets.

After a fire-breathing, elephant-riding, comforter-crying, heart-breaking preview of the upcoming season’s goings on, Harrison finally arrives and leads with “real love is a fragile thing that can fall apart at any moment.” Solid. As that rolled off Harrison’s tongue I pictured a forlorn Brad Womack angrily sipping a protein shake and fighting to swallow it in an effort to refrain from regurgitating the 16 egg whites and two chicken breasts he wolfed down after completing “Chest and Triceps Day” at the gym around the corner from his permanent bachelor pad. I simultaneously pictured the Hendrix family greeting Emily and her daughter at the Charlotte airport and loading her and Little Ricki’s suitcases into a stretch limousine on the way back to her free house. Of course, Emily was wearing her white shorts.

Harrison recaps what we just saw during the first 15 minutes of the show and introduces the first set of hopeful Fantasy Suite Fornicators. In the interest of brevity and organization, I’m going to depart from the chronology of the episode. I’ll recap all 25 guys together below in spite of the fact that the intros were split into two groups with a Harrison powwow in between. We’ll discuss the aforementioned powwow not and then we’ll talk about the dudes, the cocktail party, and the rose ceremony.

ASHLEY/HARRISON

After the set up, Harrison greets a sparkly gown wearing, bang sporting, clearly nervous Ashley as she exits the limo and gives him a familiar hug. It was nice to see Harrison working again. After his season-long phone in appearances last time around, I was glad to see him in his black suit and tie ready to earn a ton of cash for doing what he does. Man, I want that job. Just think, all that AND he has access to Emily’s phone number.

Harrison suggests a fireside, candlelit chat instead of the sterile formality of the mansion driveway. Ashley AGAIN reiterated her desire to find love in the shadow of her former indecisiveness and even cops to annoying herself with her own whining as she watched the final episodes of last season. She and Harrison prop up the “No Regrets” them a few dozen times and then once again for good measure. Ashley lets us know that she’s “continually growing” and expects to find a “happy ending.” Oh, why do they make it so easy for me?

I wondered if by “continually growing” she meant “continually growing” like Ali and Chantal before her or “continually growing” like Brad during his Dr. Jamie visits. Let’s face it, that’s a fairly important distinction to make considering half these guys are gay and Bentley could already not care less about her and her new bangs. Throw on 20 pounds and cover it up with a poorly placed sarong and she’s going to have a problem. Perhaps she’ll clarify that next episode. I suppose even if she doesn’t the camera doesn’t lie. Then again, as we saw in Ali’s season, a few well-placed shrubs and some creative camera angles can hide just about anything except Roberto’s hyperhidrosis.

I also found her desire for a “happy ending” to be an interesting choice of words considering the fact that the entire show is headed to the Far East in a couple of weeks. I guess if any of these folks—including Harrison and that fat guy with the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t—are looking for a “happy ending” they’re most likely to find that sort of thing in that part of the world. For the record, there’s a place here in Austin called the Midnight Cowboy that’s been “handing” out happy endings since I was in college here. Ironically, the place is a couple of doors down from one of Womack’s bars. I love it.

Ashley finally sets up the “I’ve heard about Bentley” smack and Harrison pretends to be surprised to hear it. Clearly, ABC struck gold when they inadvertently stumbled across Wes Hayden’s dumb ass several seasons ago and, like anything that pulls in ratings, they’ve chosen to exploit it to the Nth degree. Finally, we get to meet the “men.”

THE PUTZ PARADE

1. Ryan—Super excited solar energy guy from California who loves to jog shirtless, save the planet, and make weird heart symbols with his hands while facing West (the direction, not the suitor) at sunset. He seemed a little nerdy but harmless. He’s rich, innocuous, and easy to get along with. He got the First Impression Rose even though Tim deserved it. His assertive entrepeneuriness was a little much for me, but hey, props for taking the lead. Like the Heisman or the Miss America crown, getting the First Impression Rose is often a curse. Nevermind Earth, we’ll see if he can save himself in the weeks to come.

2. J.P.—Good looking Construction Manager from New York with a propensity for v-necks, farmer’s markets, Jason Bourne pea coats, and looking like Lance Armstrong. He seemed nice enough too. He’ll stick around for a bit, but I didn’t see enough personality to carry him to Fiji. He’ll have to step it up to win. He scored some points by sharing his nickname of “Cupcake” with Ashley who apparently also wants to be called “Cupcake.” Weird. I’m sure Ames wouldn’t mind being called “Cupcake.” Incidentally, that was once my nickname. However, that was only within the confines of the Downtown Drunk Tank and I’m really not in the mood to discuss it. Let’s just say that I wanted a smoke real bad.

3. Ames—over-educated, over-achieving, over-athletic, Harry Connick, Jr. in a toupee look-alike who is clearly over-compensating for his own personal struggle with his sexuality. To hell with ultra-marathons, this guy is ultra-gay. Between the free ballet tickets, khaki dress pants, and his self-professed love of travel, my guess is that he “Ames” to meet the guys in the mansion more than he “Ames” to marry Ashley. I’m certain he’d rather be sucking on something other than the silver spoon in his mouth.

4. Ben C.—French-born, French-speaking District Attorney from New Orleans who says he’s a 215 on the 1-10 Romantic scale. He’s also a 215 on the 1-10 Cheeseball scale. Still, Ashley seemed to buy Le Crap spilling from his French pie hole. He should make it for a while. Oh, and he plays keyboard too. I’m certain that Ames would like him to fiddle on his organ for a while.

5. Ben F.—normal, low-key wine maker from Sonoma, California. Between his modest demeanor, trendy hair style, and the fact that he owns a freaking Sonoma winery, my guess is that he’ll get to Fiji. He seemed like the nicest, most normal guy in the bunch to me. I’m rooting for this guy.

6. Bentley—This season’s Wes Hayden but on steroids. Sporting the vague job description “Businessman” he’s clearly there to be an as*hole and I have to give the Producers credit. They picked a good one. Aside from dropping an “I don’t really give a f*ck about Ashley,” openly admitting he wishes Emily was the Bachelorette, and professing his desire to do nothing else but “win,” he was convincing enough to get Ashley to look past a phone call from a friend telling her that he doesn’t give a f*ck about Ashley, wishes Emily was the Bachelorette, and wants to do nothing but win. You can’t say she wasn’t warned.

Oh, and he was apparently married to a Care Bear in a previous life because he has a daughter named “Cozy.” Cozy? That can’t be real. Of course her sisters Snuggly, Comfortable, and Temperate would probably disagree. This guy will stick around until he has a Justin “Rated R” Rego type departure. He’ll make Frank look like Chris L.

7. Anthony the Butcher—Just a simple butcher from Wack-off, New Jersey. He seemed nice enough, but the guy was more Italian than Italy and struck me as a bit creepy. He got sent home along with his gold chain. I’m sure he’ll be able to tell his sob story to the 14 cousins and 3 brothers he shares a room with in his mother’s house. He’ll be fine. It never would have worked anyway. Fuggetaboutit.

8. West—District Attorney from South Carolina. Nice enough guy who scored points when he pulled a broken compass from his drawer full of broken compasses as a reminder to Ashley that he has a directional name. Nice touch, dude, but I’m sure there were 300 other women in South Carolina who spit up their chardonnay before stomping to their nightstands and throwing their broken compasses on the floor and smashing them into oblivion. He’s also got a deceased wife story that should keep him in the game for a bit; although I’m not really sure he’s ready to be there.

9. William—goofy but loveable cell phone salesman from Ohio. The women will adore this guy and his aww shucks bad luck stories all season, but he lost me when he started doing impressions to sell himself to Ashley. Like J.P., he too has a love for Jason Bourne’s wardrobe choices. He’ll make it relatively far but I think he’s too nice to go all the way. He’s holding the alcoholic father trump card in his back pocket and a story about at stopping watch that should make Ashley keep him around for a while.

10. Jon—giggly E-commerce guy who horrified Ashley by picking her up and putting her over his shoulder when he met her. He had the balls to call his mom during his first one-on-one with Ashley. Horrified, Ashley sent him packing back to Mommy. He cried after being eliminated. I’m sure his mom made him some of his favorite dessert treats and bought him a new pair of footed pajamas to ease the pain. Let’s hope the guy learned a lesson. He wasn’t bad looking.

11. Lucas—Sole Texan from Odessa. The guy was less animated than the wallpaper and his orange tie stood in stark contrast to his gray personality. He got a rose, but like Jon before him, didn’t do anything to earn it. Ashley noticed his good-smelling cologne. Perhaps it was Odessa crude oil, but regardless, he’ll have to do more to get noticed.

12. Mikey—Creepy chef in an equally creepy beige suit. He moved in for a kiss that looked more like an attempted assault than anything else. He too did just enough to stick around for another episode. Being the 8th least douchey of the bunch might have saved him this week, but he’s going to need to show her something in order to stick around.

13. Tim—The 5’4” Liquor Distributor and without question the single best Bachelorette contestant of all time. Clearly an alcoholic, all he needed was a little nudge in order to go careening off the edge of the cliff of sobriety like Buzz in Rebel Without a Cause when his leather jacket got stuck on the door handle in his chicken race with James Dean. The guy was like Joe Pesci and it didn’t take him long to get drunk enough to pass out and need to be carried off the premises. Frankly, I think this guy was robbed.

He clearly earned the First Impression Rose. After all it’s the First Impression Rose not the Biggest Ass-Kissing Pansy Rose. At least do the guy a solid and pin one on him before you cab him back to the Super 8 or wherever the losers get to spend the night before shelling out their own money for a cab ride to LAX the following morning. The only thing that could have made this guy more of a legend in my mind is if he would have dropped a “Will you marry me?” on Ashley as he was summarily carried off the mansion grounds and thrown into a minivan. Of course, he’s probably got all kinds of street cred in the neighborhood bar he frequents in Flatbush or Sheepshead Bay. I, for one, will miss you, Tim. Ironically, he might have been the only truly honest guy there. I can’t say enough about getting drunk and passing out at the first cocktail party. He’s like the Neil Armstrong of Bachelorette contestants.

14. Stephen—Hairstylist who looks like Jason Schwartzman and Ritchie Sambora had a love child. He’ll be gone as soon as Ashley gets wind of his profession. Nice hair, d-bag.

15. Chris D.—Purple tie and purple shirt wearing “Sports Marketing Coordinator” who invaded Ashley’s personal space. “Sports Marketing Coordinator?” That could mean he works at Foot Locker selling Air Jordans to teenagers. We shall see.

16. Rob—Technology Executive with a weak disposition and an even weaker handshake. I don’t remember much about him, which probably says it all. As if his George Michael-esque five o’clock shadow and yellow tie weren’t enough, he cried like the sissy he probably is when he was eliminated. Granted, that was probably the glass and a half of pinot grigio he sipped at the cocktail party talking, but still.

17. Matt—Office Supply Salesman who borrowed his ill-fitting gray suit from his shorter, skinnier brother. He led with a secret handshake. Weak, dude. Weak.

18. Jeff (Mask)—This season’s Madison who favors a mask instead of fangs. His lack of personality won’t allow him to wear the mask forever. Like Madison, I think he’ll prove to be a dud and his departure will be anti-climactic. My favorite part was when he made the speech about the importance of what’s on the inside of a person before sitting down with Ashley and droning on about how pretty she looked. Dude, go heavy or go home. If you’re going to have a stupid gimmick, do your homework and stick to your story. Jackass. Tim’s reaction to the mask was priceless. Anthony the Butcher also dropped a “what the f*ck” him when he saw the mask. He looked ridiculous and minus the Producer’s pick, he should have gone home. It’s going to be a bitch to swim in the pool with that thing on. Perhaps he has some black goggles.

19. Frank—After an awkward wink and a tie fix upon exiting the limo like Larry hitting on women at the Regal Beagle in Three’s Company, Frank performs a Johnny Castle lift and a few dance moves. (Insert elimination buzzer here). His two moments of glory came when he referred to the obviously inebriated Tim as a “hazard” and when he coined the phrase “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the oven.” Classic. To be fair, the oven is usually located in the kitchen and is the source of the aforementioned heat that one can’t stand. He went home.

20. Michael—Technical Sales Rep. from California. He led with dentistry jokes and finished with gas jokes. Terrible. Just terrible.

21. Chris M.—Construction CEO with a medallion and frosted tips. At first I thought he was gay, but I soon realized that he was just Canadian. Between the severe accent, the shirt open to his groin area, and the over-the-top approach he was destined for failure. Three strikes, Chris. You’re OOT.

22. Ryan M.—Construction Manager from Michigan who imitated Ashley’s limo exit and then proceeded to take pictures of her. He overdid it a bit by asking for one too many pictures and insisting on getting one with Harrison, but he recovered during the cocktail party and seemed nice enough. We’ll see if he can differentiate himself from the pack.

23. Nick—Personal trainer with Sammy Hagar circa 1985, Willie Ames, and Greatest American Hero haircut with a soul patch. His attempt at “poetry” was pathetic. Stick to leg curls and egg whites, Nick. Ashley seemed to like him. He should last a few shows. I’m sure he can’t wait to get to the pool. If he gets eliminated, his Cardio-kick Yoga-lates Class should fill up faster than Tim’s liver with alcohol.

24. Blake—The only real dentist on the show. That’s fitting because he’s about as exciting as a root canal. The shared profession should be good for a rose or two but the guy was boring. He reminded me of the Douchebag from Denton.

25. Constantine—Roman emperor who issued the Edict of Milan in 313, which proclaimed religious tolerance of all religions throughout the empire. The first emperor to convert to Christianity. Oh, wait. This guy is just some jackass that shares his name. He looks like Stephen the Hairdresser and The Low Key Wine Guy’s older brother. We’ll see how he shapes up in the weeks to come.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

I’ll cut this short by saying that other than Tim’s legendary departure, the cocktail party was the usual sword fight we witness every season. Bentley reestablished himself as the bad guy and everyone else floundered around like fish on a dock for Ashley’s attention. No big surprises. Harrison emerged with the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife and the rose ceremony went down as usual.

ROSE CEREMONY

1. Ryan (First Impression Rose)
2. Jeff (Mask)
3. Constantine (former Roman emperor)
4. Ben F. (Sincere, normal Wine Guy)
5. Lucas (Boring Texan)
6. Stephen (Hairdresser)
7. Matt (I can’t remember him)
8. Nick (Personal Trainer)
9. Chris D. (No memory)
10. Ryan M (Camera guy with crush on Harrison)
11. Blake (the only real dentist on the show)
12. Mikey (first kiss creepy guy)
13. Ben C. (French speaking D.A.)
14. West (the opposite of East)
15. William (he’s afraid of beer)
16. J.P. (Lance Armstrong look alike nicknamed “Cupcake”)
17. Ames (Harry Connick, Jr. in a toupee)
18. Bentley (this season’s Wes Hayden)

Sucked out like loose plaque

1. Anthony the Butcher
2. Rob (super gay crushed guy)
3. Jon (he’ll be remembered only for crying)
4. Frank
5. Michael
6. Chris M. (He didn’t seem too upset aboot getting kicked oot)
7. Drunk Tim (Clearly robbed of the First Impression Rose)

Well, there it is. With the Journey count 6 and the Amazing count at an impressive 12, we head into week two where, as always, more of the dead weight will be shed in favor of the actual front runners. Let’s just enjoy the ramp up, shall we? From here on out, I’ll post on Tuesday afternoons. I look forward to your feedback. Get your betting pools ready. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be wearing a mask and drinking until I lose the power of speech and the ability to stand. DP

81 comments:

  1. Fun to be the first to comment. I did not watch and don't know if I can stand watching Ashley but your recaps are enough to keep me going. Sounds like the puz parade was a doozie. Almost makes me sorry I missed it.

    A fan in Utah (and no-nowhere near crazy Michelle)

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  2. Best Lol: At first I thought he was gay, but I soon realized that he was just Canadian.

    And I thought the momma's boy stayed? Too many to keep track of!

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  3. I'm not going to watch this season because I can't stand Ashley.I'm relying on you to keep me updated. Thanks for the great post!

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  4. Whew! I feel like I've been waitin' forever for this post! Genius as usual. I shared you on my facebook wall too I think my friends will love you!

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  5. I read all the time but never comment. Sorry! You rock!!!

    Damn iPad won't let me post from google.
    -Keely in Houston

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  6. Ashley, who appears to have discovered the miracle bra, was less annoying than anticipated, though I also cringed at the "Brad and I's" comment. When she isn't whining on ABC, she goes to Penn for God's sake (my alma mater). She should certainly use better grammar than backwoods Vienna.

    Speaking of sausage, that's quite a visual you provided, DP. Sitting naked in the neighborhood coffee shop writing your manifest... er, blog. I don't know whether this info will increase your readership/commenters, but I bet Derek will be sipping espressos all over Austin, in search of Some Guy, next Monday night!

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  7. Hey,how about adding an "Awesome" count? Cause lord knows she says it enough to warrant one.

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  8. I agree about adding an "awesome" count. That's all I remember her saying!! I wonder if she is going to do her seal claps this season.
    It took me a good 10 seconds to finally get your space bar and count to 21 jokes. In fact, I'm not really sure I even do get the counting one. Great post this week. Looking forward to the rest of the season!

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  9. just wanted to shout out some love....you've got a regular reader here, but sadly without anything witty to say other than I just love this update...it's "awesome"
    I don't even watch the show, I just read your blog to find out what happened :)
    -Rachel

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  10. I love that on ABC's bio page they don't show a picture of Jeff (mask guy). It's one of those silhouettes. They know we can see like 98% of his face, right?

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  11. Honestly, I just can't...it takes a lot for me to not watch these shows but the past few seasons have made me feel as if my brain is leaking out of my ear so I will stick to random clips and your genius recaps.

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  12. Stopping here to express why I LOVE this blog: Besides, I can type a lot faster now that I no longer need my thumbs to hit the space bar. It will be much easier to count to 21 too. Choking on my giggles and reading on...

    Ann in Denver

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  13. I just found you last week via ihategreenbeans. I fell in love and stayed up way past my bedtime reading past posts. Already shared with a friend who says you should go on the show!
    I agree, "Ash" as Womack dubbed her, was way less irritating than last season.
    Anxiously awaiting next Tuesday...until then I'm "oot"

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  14. Thanks DP! I only watch the Bachelorette because of you. Your blog posts are freaking hilarious and I can't wait to read it each Tuesday.

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  15. hartamber, here's a haiku just for you:

    Ten fingers, ten toes
    Plus one other appendage
    Equals twenty-one

    DP has added all new meaning to the phrase hunting and pecking :)

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  16. I found you last year via Lincee - and her infamous payback post. I've read lots but I promise to comment more this season.

    I said I wasn't gong to watch this year but really who was I kidding. Oh and as a good Canadian girl I just have to say - we do not all have accents. LOL. I am originally from Alberta and even I did a double take and with Chris and thought - you? Construction in Alberta? Um - the visual and my past experiences aren't adding up there.

    For those who may not get the reference Alberta is often referred to as the Texas of Canada.

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  17. Well, in case you were wondering...you've still got it! Thanks so much for entertaining us!!
    And also thanks for the insight into Brad Womack's diet and work-out program. It's been too long since I've thought of his abs!

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  18. Cracking up at the Regal Beagle reference and the Sammy Hagar/Willie Ames hair.
    I know several people on Lincee's blog mentioned the Harry Connick look-alike but I am not seeing it.
    Anyway, great recap!

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  19. West - opposite of East. and the hundreds of jilted women throwing their broken compasses on the floor in frustration! love it. the dead wife thing, though, eek. We shall see...

    New Jersey Butcher was too ridiculous to be true. I couldn't stop cracking up at him. And the Canadian! too funny.

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  20. DP - Great post this week. I was starting to worry about you after the last few weeks and your tardiness today. However, this week's was awesome! I love your posts in the morning, but I guess that I'll have to get used to reading them with a glass of vodka instead of a cup of coffee. Even though I find it disturbing that you watch The Bachelorette in the nude, I will continue as a loyal reader.

    With that said, my favorite Some Guy quote was:

    "Ames—over-educated, over-achieving, over-athletic, Harry Connick, Jr. in a toupee look-alike who is clearly over-compensating for his own personal struggle with his sexuality."

    All of the bachelor descriptions were entertaining and accurate, but you nailed that one.

    One quick clarification....you mentioned that Jon called his mom and cried when he got booted. I agree that Jon did cry after being asked to leave, but I thought it was Matt who called his mother when sitting outside alone with Ashley. Plus, Matt made the cut and did not go home. Please confirm or disagree.

    Thanks for a fun evening. Enjoyed the blog and appreciate you staying up late and taking time away from your real job to keep us entertained.

    MH

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  21. My first posting!!! Doing as you asked, DP. Have been reading for awhile, absolutely love your sense of humor. Fave comments:

    At first I thought he was gay, but I soon realized that he was just Canadian.
    Of course her sisters Snuggly, Comfortable, and Temperate would probably disagree.

    Ashley was less annoying than I expected, but if she doesn't tone down the high-pitched laughter, I'm muting it while I watch.

    Watching last night, sadly enough, felt like coming home. Mostly because I knew I was going to read you and Lincee today.

    Please let me know if you come to Chicago anytime soon. There's two of us for sure who would buy you the equivalent of a Lone Star (or two or three or four or.....)

    Please do NOT stop watching, whether nude or clothed.

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  22. Jackie in HoustonMay 24, 2011 at 10:43 PM

    Yay! It's that time - so enjoy reading your posts and will try to be a better job of commenting. did some sleuthing and found out about the 'mask guy' - he's Jeff Medolla. Also is in the wine business with rappers Kyjuan and Murphy Lee of the “St. Lunatics”. Their wine is “Freaky Muscato”. Website: http://www.drinkfreaky.com
    I have some photos of him but can't attach them here - will try to upload to your FB page.
    until next week!
    Jackie

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  23. dp2-ok see...NOW I got it! Thank you for that haiku!! I had forgotten about counting toes and was trying to think about how he got from ten to twenty one with his...whatever, I got it now, thank you!!
    MH- you are right, it was Matt that called his mom :)

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  24. Thanks Hartamber for the confirmation. One thing that I forgot to mention earlier. I'm in my early 40's, so I really wanted to see the two oldest guys make it past the first round with a bachelorette in her 20's. Tim and Jeff were the oldest at 35 yrs. I thought I was doomed when one wore a mask and the other turned into a pissed off drunk who initially tried to start a fight and then eventually lost the power of speech. I never would have thought either could make the cut, but I guess the gimmick worked. More power to the old guy!!!!
    MH

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  25. Ashley drives me INSANE, but I WILL continue to watch solely to be entertained by you, DP. Some of my favorites...
    1. "whining over Brad while simultaneously displaying that dinner plate of a forehead she owns"-Classic, I've always laughed out loud at 5-head reference.
    2. I love when we think alike. I kept yelling at the TV, "NO MORE TENLEY INTERPRETIVE DANCES PLEASE!!!"
    3. Cozy...need I say more???
    Looking forward to Tuesdays. Thanks for entertaining me, naked or not!

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  26. Being in the dental field loved your description of Blake...he's about as exciting as a root canal. You make me laugh, will read your blog but man ..it is tough to watch Ashley.

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  27. We love you some guy...
    Oh yes we dooo...
    We love you some guy....
    And that' s not new...
    When you're not with us, we're blue
    Oh some guy we love you!

    Thank you for continuing to post even when work is stressful and your time is not your own. I just discovered your blog a couple months ago and your off season posts are my favorite--the "a friend does his duty post" had me laughing so hard that I started crying, and then I started laughing more because I was crying.

    Hartamber-I didn't get the counting to 21 joke either. I was thinking, "okay if he's referencing what I think he's referencing, it only adds up to 11." Dooh! Rookie mistake. I forgot to add in 10 toes.

    Texas Tea

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  28. Hey DP - your recap made me snicker - I like to get a guy's perspective of this crazy show. You're like Reality Steve before he went all spoilery and full of himself. I wonder if I'm the only poster from Australia. We used to get the Bachelor on TV here - but they took it off air after Jesse Palmer's season... then last year they put Brad's first season on. Thankfully we have the internet - they can't get you addicted and then just take it away like that!

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  29. Ok Dennis, enough is enough. U need to apply to be on the show. Ps don't lose ur passion for writing these posts. I would kill/maim to have so many loyal readers hungry for my work. :)

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  30. Ps to whomever posted above me- I'm also from Aus and I been reading this for a few years now.

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  31. I wondered about a boob job too! She made such a big deal during the beach photo shoot last year about her small chest and it definitely seems like there's more to it now. If she did, she was smart and subtle/realistic about it.

    West...eesh. Can they please go one season without someone having lost the "love of their life"?? You've heard the rumors about him though, right? Supposedly his deceased wife's parents suspect that he had a hand in her death and that he turned her into a heavy drinking pothead!

    You called it about William - the women will all love him! He's my favorite, and a number of my friends have said the same. I'm a sucker for a goofball who can make me laugh, and he just seems genuinely nice, which can be hard to find.

    I loved that Tim was well on his way to drunk before he even arrived at the mansion. I wish he could have stuck around another night so we could have seen the aftermath in the morning when he wakes up and realizes what an ass he is.

    Great recap as always!

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  32. Dear Some Guy,
    I have not watched a single season of The Bachelorette since Trista won her prince charming because I hated this version of the show even more than The Bachelor version. BUT I'm so addicted to your blog now that I can't help but watch it this time around. *sigh*

    I still find Ashley every bit as annoying as I did on The Bachelor...and almost worse (with fake brown hair, fake bangs, fake boobs, and a fake profession). Every time she said the word "Awesome" on Monday night, I wanted to throw something through my TV screen.

    But I'll put up with her to read your brilliantly "awesome" reviews of the gayness, drunkeness, and fornication that are sure to take place this season. I even semi-convinced my husband to watch his first-time-ever episode with me so that he could read your posts too! Keep up the good work!

    xo,
    KT

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  33. As you requested, I am posting a comment for the first time just to show some support and appreciation. Favorite comment re: Roberto's hyperhydrosis. Keep up the good work.

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  34. Great post Some Guy! Thanks for taking one for the team AGAIN! Loved William's impression of Tim at the very end after the scenes from this season stuff was over. Makes me think that Ashley and William just had a great time talking and laughing for like half an hour (time for William to get warmed up) while all the other guys were in the house wondering where she was.

    The coffee shop naked blogging had me laughing too...and the "extra help" you would then have to type was hilarious. But you did mention "dry twigs" in the same paragraph, which was, perhaps, unfortunate...;)
    Pat

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  35. JP all the way!

    I like the first impression rose guy, but he's not my type at all. Then again, I'm not really like Ashley, so it might work for her.

    Wine guy was also good - totally normal. He definitely had the best introduction, he somehow made it seem relaxed instead of super cheesy.

    I don't understand how she was laughing whenever she got picked up. I would have been pissed if if were me.

    Love the blog as always DP - love it more since I know you're naked.

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  36. Since when can't you post naked in a coffee shop in Austin? Great to see you back! I still don't watch the show, but love the blog! XOXO Hit the housewives up again when you're in Houston!

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  37. Hi Some Guy, Had to LOL at the references to the space bar assistance, happy endings and Gay Canadian. You rock my world every Tuesday morning with your pithy insight. As long as there is a Bach-ette, I hope there is a Some Guy to blog it for us faithful watchers and readers. And now, from another Canadian who doesn't think we have an accent - I'm oota here!

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  38. Oh DP, you had me at hello. Look, the cheesiness of this show affects me, I can't help it. Although I will admit that Ashley seems like she toned it down a notch from last season or maybe I was just expecting extreme irritation so it didn't seem as bad. Oh boy, another nut job from Salt Lake on the show. Yay. Love your suitor descriptions. Spot on. Great job once again.
    Cariss

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  39. Stop the press! Some guy naked while watching The Bachelorette??? OMG!!! I don't know how much more of this teasing I can take. For the record, me and the boys have watched The Bachelorette in the nude as well. You go boy!

    Me and the boys voted on some of the guys Monday night and here's what we came up with. Let me know if you girls agree.

    Hottest guy: Ames and William (Tie)

    Best comment: "The only thing stronger than the sun is love." (God Ryan was cute when he said that)

    Worst hair: Bentley and Nick (Curly hair should be cut short not long gentlemen)

    Best hair: Stephen (loved it!)

    Best personality: William

    Worst personality: Bentley (I want to scratch his eyes out)

    Agree or disagree, everyone?

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys from South Beach

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  40. Just curious what women think of Bentley? Ashley acted like he was hot...I don't get it, but what do I know. Plus, he could use his personality for birth control. Just my 2 cents. I would be curious to hear what the ladies think.

    MH

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  41. Hi there MH! He's a little hot until he opens his mouth. He just seems like a real jerk. I would not give that man the time of day. He needs someone to slap him in the face. Uhhhgg...he makes me so mad.
    -Derek

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  42. Derek - I totally agree with you and the boys on William having it all in the looks and personality department. Ames doesn't really do it for me though. And I gotta disagree on Ryan's as the best statement...that sort of made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I love a sweet and sometimes-romantic guy, but that threw my cheese-o-meter way out of whack!

    MH - to me, Bentley is just ok. Out of the 25, I guess he'd be in the top 10, but with that pack, that's not saying much. There's something about him that reminds me of the guy who plays Dexter who, while a fantastic actor, is not particularly attractive to me. Plus, any guy who would agree to his daughter being named Cozy would have gotten the first-night boot automatically.

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  43. Some Guy you sure do rock! I started laughing so hard at the "happy endings" reference that I started choking and my boss thought that I had received some terrible news. Keep up the great work. Love, love, love the visual you gave me about writing naked. Keep up the wonderfully "Awesome" posts. Debbie in Selma, TX

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  44. I was not impressed by Bentley. Looks it otherwise. I was also not impressed by the way Ashley speaks. It was hard to listen to her! She did look very pretty though. Funny stuff, DP, especially the bit about happy endings! Looking forward to another season with you! I had a hard time focusing on the whole episode but from what I gathered I liked JP, Ryan, and William. The wine guy with longish hair seemed sweet too.

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  45. She didn't get new boobs. This will convince you: http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20497327,00.html#20967933

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  46. Long time reader, first time posting. With this line-up, it appears even ABC has given up on this being a dating show and has accepted it as a desperate quest for 15 minutes of fame. Is Ashley ever going to finish dental school? God knows she won't have a career in TV.

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  47. DP, great post. As always, I'm laughing hysterically and wondering how anyone can be so good every time!! I think ABC should pay YOU because the only reason most of us watch is so when we read your blog we will know what you are talking about!!! Seriously. I mean that. I really do.

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  48. "It’s going to be a bitch to swim in the pool with that thing on. Perhaps he has some black goggles. " Priceless Some Guy!

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  49. Dear Derek, you can have Ames and I will take William. Fair? :) Ames throws off a gay vibe to me big time. I will admit, most of the guys looked more manly on the show than their bio pics though. DP was obviously right with the spray tan dial stuck on the Ricky Martin setting. haha
    Cariss
    PS Bentley, wow. I am from Utah and not happy about another "villain" being from here. :) And he is so not cute. A greenbeaner calls him "cowhead".

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  50. DP, great post as usual. For those of us who stick with you year round we enjoy your posts all the time. For those of you who only come around wehn the Bachelor/ette air...you really need to read an off-season post every now and then. You are the best SGIA! Kim in Nevada (a regular)

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  51. LOL anon....No fair!! I agree with you, Ames is definitely the queen bee of the bunch.

    -Derek

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  52. Kim in Nevada - you are 100% right on that. If you're not reading the off-season post you are really missing out.

    MH

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  53. My husband doesn't believe me either, but I will say it again. I only watch the show to read the blogs. Loved the "Chest and Triceps" day at the gym.
    I know it is probably hard for you to only have one girl to "evaluate" this season, but are we going to hear about "Awesome Emily" all season? Yes I am just jealous of how she looks in white shorts, but you need to let her go.

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  54. MH- I agree with you about Bentley. I don't get it either because he is average at best.
    Derek- Ames being hot? Now THAT I don't get either. He was tough for me to look at sometimes. My vote for hottest would have to be JP.
    I think Ash was wearing the little chicken cutlet things in her dress. I don't think she got surgery.
    And I'm pulling for Jeff. He has been my favorite ever since the bios came out. His answers were hysterical! I'm hoping he is turns out to be funny in an endearing way and not a crazy weirdo.

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  55. Just one small correction. I am pretty sure Matt was the one who called his mom. When she answered the phone she said, "hi matt". So maybe you do remember him after all. He did get a rose.

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  56. "Besides, I can type a lot faster now that I no longer need my thumbs to hit the space bar."

    Awesome.

    The only thing stronger than the sun is my love for your blog. I've been reading along for a few seasons but have only posted once, anon. I promise to participate more often. It's hard enough to brace myself for a season of Ash and her fivehead. If you quit I quit.

    My 2 cents:

    I liked Anthony. Is that wrong? Such a charmer!

    Who knew Ashley had a thing for bad hair? There were so many generic Brad blonds with good teeth that the unattractive, long haired brunettes (frosted tips included) seemed all the more out of place. I figured they would be the first ones on the outbound train but strangely enough they all made the cut. Did we even see her talk to any of them? Strange.

    My Bachelor(ette)strategy has always been as follows: pick a favorite and then root against them. Instead I invest my energy into hoping that the worst possible match is made.

    I certainly don't wish any of them well. If I did I'd choose Ryan for her, obviously. He's not without his flaws but neither is she and they make eachother stupid happy (er horny).

    That said, my fantasy final 4 is:

    Bentley - But of course. Who doesn't love a challenge, eh Ashley? Ha.

    Ames - Sure he's a homo but you can't focus all of your attention on that. He's also a douche. I hope he sticks around long enough for you to get all of the aims puns out of your system.

    Jeff - I know, he's super dull and the mask will get annoying eventually but I really thought he would take it off after the first rose and I am thrilled by the prospect of him sticking with it. I loved me some Madison, too. What can I say? I guess I just can't resist a painful, embarassing, half thought-out gimmick.

    Mikey - Eww. Also ick.

    So that's it. As long as you can temper you bitterness with fresh funny I'll stick it out with you.

    xo

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  57. DP - I tried the space-bar helper idea here at home before venturing out in public. I don't know about you, but I kept hitting the 5,6,7,R,T,Y,F,G,H,V,B and N keys. Am I doing it wrong? I will try picking up the keyboard and pushing it against the 'helper' but that seems to defeat the purpose. I don't want to look like a dork in the coffee shop.

    Anyyhooooo...this week was a crack-up as usual

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  58. I’m sure there were 300 other women in South Carolina who spit up their chardonnay before stomping to their nightstands and throwing their broken compasses on the floor and smashing them into oblivion.

    This was just a hysterical mental image! And very likely true! Thanks for catching me up, I just HAD to watch RHONJ Monday night.

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  59. Derek-It seems that most girls agree on JP, Ryan, and William with the two Bens thrown every so often. Ames and Bentley-Yuck!!

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  60. Great blog! So funny and witty! Keep up the good work!

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  61. MH, Derek, et al: Bentley has an unattractive cro-magnon look about him. William is funny and very cute, but seems immature. So far, I find Sunny Ryan P. or Wine-y Ben the most appealing overall. JP and the other Ben are in the next tier, while Ames is at the bottom of the pile.

    Anon with the left-leaning helper: thank you for going to such great lengths (and widths) to amuse us! I am LMAO.

    DP, any comments? As usual, you've given us great fodder, but have been unusually quiet since... guess you've been hard at work ;)

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  62. Although there were a few guys who underwhelmed me, I must admit that I thought most of the guys seemed *too* good for Ashley. Is that mean? Some seem out of her league -- the types of guys who wouldn't give her the time of day outside a reality dating show.

    Love the recaps, DP. Don't stop. Ever. :)

    Rebecca

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  63. I read all the time and must say you are a highlight of my Tuesdays - which says a lot for my Tuesdays...

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  64. Hey Some Guy..first time I've come across your blog and completely hilarious and dead on.. except for the jokes about the gay-looking Canadian..okay, HE looked gay but NOT because he's Canadian. Guess I'm a little sensitive about "Canadian jokes", being a Canadian girl. Chris M. apparently is from a town just about 20 miles from where I live in Alberta--what a disappointment..of all the good-looking guys in Alberta, HE was the one that was picked to be on the show?? YIKES. Doesn't do much for our reputation! Otherwise, I'm rooting for the wine guy too..not gorgeous but nice enough and seemed totally normal. Don't see what's hot about Bentley though..OK but being so totally into himself is a real turn-off. Never watched the show last year and not real impressed with Ashley so far. That laugh would drive me nuts.

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  65. Poor Ames. I guess I'm the only one that thinks Ames is cute. That's ok...you girls don't know what you're missing!
    -Derek

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  66. Love your blog, you absolutely crack me up!! You have an impressive way of sizing up these clowns. I love your blog more than I love the show!

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  67. Spot on, per usual! This season required a bottle of wine to be downed prior to even starting the show. I'm impressed that you lasted so long before the first Lone Star! We had the same thought about the mask guy...how does one go swimming/hot tubbing in a mask? Is he going to sleep in it, too? It's gearing up to be a truly "amazing journey." Thanks for being awesome!

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  68. So excited your back, Some Guy! Unfortunately, it means having to watch Ashleeeeeeeeee (the way she said it all 25 times she introduced herself) but watching makes reading your blog all the more entertaining.

    "Ash" (which is equally annoying but it's over with quicker) is trying so hard to be someone else, not just by the total make-over, but you can tell when she slips into the "old" Ashley habits, then quickly reminds herself she's "grown" and tries to regain her new character's composure. It's going to be a looooooooooong season.

    There were only two guys I remember enough about to comment on:
    Bentley: Seriously? As if the name alone wasn't reason enough to toss him, she was also forewarned. But instead, Ashley is thinking how cute it's going to sound when she tells her friends "only a Bentley is good enough for this cupcake..." Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    West: Uhm, Yikes!! The first person I thought of was Rodney Alcala. (a serial killer that was a contestant on "The Dating Game" in the late 70's and WON!). West wasted no time telling the story of the accidental coughcough drowning of his wife ... WHO goes on a dating show after a tragedy like this? EVER? The only thing that would've made him more creepy is if he'd given her a "First Alert" alarm instead of a DEAD compass...(starting to see the 'dead' pattern here folks??)

    So Some Guy, you have a BIG job on your lap, err, I mean hands, in order to make it worth Monday Night Misery... I hope you're UP TO IT. And yes, pun intended ;)

    ~book

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  69. Sorry readers but my blogger ID has been down for a day. It's fixed now. THANKS for the comments! DP

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  70. I am only watching the show this season for your recaps...I don't know if I can take Ashleeeee the entire time, but if you can do it, I can. You're a great writer my friend. The train wreck has begun!
    Paula K.

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  71. Ironically enough, the Midnight Cowboy did not have such a happy ending of its own. It was forced to close after being raided in a sting operation. You have to hand it to them; they were able to reach around the law for years before having to flip the switch until its final release.

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  72. DP - Have you foresaken us?

    -Derek and the boys from South Beach

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  73. Love your witty rendition of this train wreck they call a reality show!!! Swore I wouldn't watch because I really can't stand Ashley, but your recap wouldn't be as funny if I didn't watch the show! So...my DVR is set for Monday nights so I can speed through all the commercials and painful segments that are so prevalent!!! SOOOO over the 15 minutes of fame all these contestants get from making fools of themselves...

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  74. Thanks Some Guy...the show is painful but your blog makes it worth watching. I need a good laugh on Tuesdays..and you are there for us!! Loved the comment from a reader about Bentley's personality is birth control. What a a**hole he is.

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  75. Wow. I haven't read the whole blog yet. I am still trying to get the visual of you typing this nude in a coffee shop and not needing your thumbs to hit the space bar.....thanks for that....made my day!

    PS. I pimped you out all last season to at least 4 ladies I work with. I'll try harder this year.

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  76. Wow! Love the post and plan to read all 70 comments after I get sone sleep. Looks like you got pimped out!

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  77. Love your post! I think she totally had a boob job! They need to cast Emily next season now that she is Single!

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  78. 78 comments! Wowza! I haven't read them all and may not be the only to say this but Bentley's forehead is a bit Quazimodo(sp) or teenage Neaderthal. He is not that cute. The masked man chose such a mardi gras- version. If you are going to mask it one should at least go for a Lone(star) Ranger look or even Zorro. This mask looks like it was on sale at Party Pig. Keep it coming!

    Signed your fan from 6th floor,
    Melissa

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  79. We were down visiting relatives in Georgia, and I made them all watch last week. When they showed that guy from New Jersey, all the Jerseyans and former Jerseyans in the room yelled out "Noooooo!" I swear, we're really not like that!!!
    My early favorites are JP and Ben the wine guy. They seem normal enough and nice enough. Mask guy is too weird for words. And Bentley? Yeesh. She was warned that he's a d-bag, yet she falls for his b.s.? She should smack herself in that big ol' forehead of hers. Really, though, I do like the change in her appearance. Bangs work for her.
    I, too, was giggling over the nude typing/space bar stuff. ha! Can't wait till later today to read about last night!
    Clare from the Jersey Shore (not the snooki version!) google won't let me post under my profiles for some reason. sigh.

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  80. Thanks loads for display relatively useful informations. Your website is great.I'm impressed by the info that you've got on this blog.I will visit you others post as soon as I can

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