Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Off Season Post 1: DP Tells All Part 3

Hello, Readers. Welcome to the third installment of my rip off from our favorite on-hiatus show. I’ve diligently studied all of the questions I received over the past week or so via email, Facebook, and on the site and I’ve once again narrowed them down for your reading pleasure.

For those of you who are new to my off season, please allow me to disclaim this post as—in my opinion—the least funny of the off season. I try to answer the questions I get as best as I can. I sort of leave the clever funny stuff for later in the name of answering whatever is on your minds. In short, if this sucks, please don’t blow off the rest of the off season, as I’m certain I’ll find something to write about that will tickle your funny bone—or whatever bone you need tickled.

As always, I’ve narrowed down the questions into some global categories and if your question didn’t make the cut, I’m certain the information you were seeking did. Read on. With that said, let’s get to it.

What are you really like? Is the whole SGIA thing an act?

Wow. I suppose this is a fair question considering that y’all sit down once a week and devote a portion of your day to reading my random thoughts on a reality show that, in the grand scheme of things, makes about as much difference as lying on the beach and wishing the waves would stop.

The short answer is “I don’t know.” I’ve been told that I’m fun, easy to talk to, easy on the eyes, and level headed. I think all of those things are true for most people that know me; however, I do have to confess that I have a bit of a dark side that only people who are close to me really get to experience.

No, I don’t have Womack-esque anger issues. Truth be told, I’m very slow to anger and I’ve been in relationships with volatile people who actually got madder at me because I would never lose my temper. It takes a lot to get me mad. The only person on the face of the earth who can instantly send me into an uncontrollable rage is—you guessed it—my twin brother. Of course, I’m discounting Justin Bieber. My brother knows exactly what buttons to push and how to push them. I suppose every person has someone like that in his life. I’ve had some bad stuff happen in my life that has brought me a great deal of perspective. I don’t sweat the petty things—although, I do on occasion pet the sweaty things. I saw that last line on a bumper sticker. It obviously stuck with me.

I can be moody at times. Cranky at others. I’m an introspective person so I routinely experience periods of significant self-doubt and an overwhelming realization that I’m nothing more than a failure at everything I’ve attempted in life. I’m certain the truth lies somewhere in between the “you’re so wonderful and funny” emails I get and the Dostoyevsky-ish self analysis I enter into every now and then. Still, it’s not always fun to be me.

My Some Guy in Austin persona is not an “act” in the sense that it’s a contrived character that I become once a week in order to comment on the Bachelor or various other things. People who know me and read the blog always say that it’s funnier to them because they know me. What you read is actually “me” and I’d find that impossible to fake. Of course I use hyperbole to make my points, but generally, what you read is what you’d hear if you were sitting next to me during the show or reading my thoughts.

Andy Gibb once said, “A lot of women run through my mind. They don’t dare walk.” Overall, I think I’m affable, approachable, and agreeable; however, I can be annoying, analytical, and angry. All in all, I think I’m worth the trouble. You’d have to ask the people in my life if that’s true, however.

Will you marry me?

Wow, that’s a big commitment to make on such short notice. That’s not a decision I’d jump into lightly. I’d have to really get to know you and what you’re about in order to make that decision. Marriage is a union that should be arrived at after much consideration and discussion. That decision alone with be responsible for nearly all of the joy and also the misery a person will encounter for the rest of his life.

I’ll tell you what: Please send me a copy of the most recent bank statement from your trust fund tucked inside your swimsuit calendar along with a picture and the address of the bar you own. I look forward to joining your family.

I’m from the East Coast and don’t get the small town thing. I’ve been to several cities in the South and I hate going. I’m open-minded but don’t get it. Can you tell me what you see in the South?

Wow. So many thoughts raced in my head when I received this email. Upon further clarification, the person who sent this is from Boston, Massachusetts. In order to answer this, I think it’s important to make a few clarifications for those of you not from the “South.”

I’ve traveled all over the U.S. and spent a lot of time in various sections of the country outside of the South. I had a giant commercial fraud case a few years ago and was paired with co-counsel from giant law firms in Chicago, D.C., and Philadelphia. We all became friendly considering the fact that we lived on airplanes and in hotels together for the better part of two years. Despite the fact that these guys literally never took off their suits, we did manage to get to know each other. They still made me put “Esquire” after their names.

It was always interesting to me to field “Texas” questions at the end of a long day when we were sitting in some hotel bar somewhere having a beer. In fact, it became sort of a rite of passage in every city we visited. Of course, I drank whatever substitute for my beloved Lone Star that the bartender could conjure up. They, of course, loosened their ties—not too much but just enough to give the impression of relaxation, unbuttoned their vests—just the bottom button because God knows a lawyer wouldn’t want to show his unvested midsection in public, and pretended to enjoy Heineken--the preferred beverage of all pseudo-important, non-Southern lawyers. Here’s what I learned.

Despite professing an open-mindedness and a tolerance for everyone and everything, some of the most close-minded, negative assertions I have ever heard uttered out of the human mouth have come from Ivy League educated lawyers from the East Coast. That’s not an indictment of the entire geography; rather, it’s an observation I gained over the course of hours upon hours spent in business and personal settings with some of the supposed brightest minds in my business. The bottom line is that people not from the South don’t understand the South.

Generally, I think people who are not from “The South” view people from there as misguided, semi-educated, tea drinking simpletons who are one step removed from incorrigible racism and harbor a constant desire for secession. Men sit around all day polishing firearms in hopes that the North will attack again while the women sew and watch Paula Deen on the Food Channel.

Ironically, there is sort of a reverse arrogance through which the South is viewed. Gun ownership, living off the land, chewing tobacco, going to rodeos, country music, driving a pick up truck, or professing “Southern Pride” is viewed flippantly and serves as a running joke for the more “sophisticated” palates of the North. For those who have never been there, the South is viewed as sort of a novelty; a joke. It’s viewed as a reactionary place filled with people so ignorant they believe in the Bible and vote Republican.

I suppose this is not a surprise considering the fact that every time the media interviews someone from the South, they pick some toothless meth addict from the hills to speak for the entire area. Roger Clinton didn’t help either. The Southern stereotype is a brutal one and it’s virtually impossible to overcome.

The same people who believe that the number of teeth in Mississippi is equal to the number of people there are the same people who believe that everyone in Texas wears a cowboy hat and boots and attends KKK meetings when he’s not persecuting homosexuals or eating biscuits. For the record, I do love biscuits but I’ve never persecuted a homosexual unless you count complaining to the guy who cuts my hair about my sideburns being uneven as “persecution.” For the record, I did tip him after he fixed the problem.

Of course, the movie industry doesn’t do much to help the South either. Mississippi Burning, Dead Man Walking, and A Time to Kill all feed off the racist stereotype of the white, angry Southerner and the only required reading in most public schools that I’m aware of that encompasses a Southern based book is To Kill a Mockingbird. Granted, Atticus Finch is a picture of an oak of a man, but the book still perpetuates the racist Southerner mentality. I was going to include Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn but I believe some school boards became “enlightened” this year and took care of those for us. “Thanks.”

With all of that said, Texas is not “the South.” Texas is more Southwestern in its culture, traditions, and heritage than it is Southern. Hell, Texas was its own country for years before it became part of the States. Texas is bigger than France.

I would define the “South” as North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Arkansas. Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri take a lesser affiliation with “the South,” although they are grouped in globally most of the time.

Anyone who has been to Texas and Alabama, for instance, will recognize the difference in the two. I think the quintessential Southern cities are Savannah, Georgia and Charleston, South Carolina. When you begin to get as far West as Texas, the geography and culture take on more of a frontier feel, rather than that of the Deep South. Texas is more Arizona than it is Arkansas.

For me, Texas is home. It is the state where I grew up, was educated, and where I make my living. I love it here in Austin and share a pride in my city and my roots that is unexplainable to people who are not from here. Austin, Texas is a beautiful, peaceful place and the city is appreciated, nurtured, protected, and loved by the people that live here.

There is an energy and an identity that comes from living here that is unique and to experience it is to fall in love with it. It is a place where any man of any age knows to give up his chair when any woman of any age is left standing. It is a place where I can walk into any establishment I frequent and have the bartender greet me by name before reaching in the cooler and serving me a beer. Austin is a place where dozens of people show up on a Saturday morning to help clean up the hiking trails for free. It is a city where everyone feels lucky to live, including me. It is as much a part of me as one of my appendages . . . yes, even that appendage.

For fear of boring those of you who expect to be reading something funny now, I’ll simply suggest you come and visit my great city. For those of you who want an idea of “the South” take a drive down past the Mason-Dixon line and stop off in the Carolinas. Or, if you’d rather read about it, buy a book written by Tom Wolfe, Winston Groom, or Margaret Mitchell. For those of you who want a lighter read, buy a John Grisham book.

I’ll end with the suggestion that you read my favorite contemporary author, Pat Conroy. All of his books—The Prince of Tides, South of Broad, The Great Santini, The Lords of Discipline, The Water is Wide—are beautifully written, often tragic stories that feature the South, specifically South Carolina, as a central character. He captures the generational flaws of the Southern personality while highlighting the simplicity and beauty of growing up a Southerner.

“My wound is geography. It is also my anchorage, my port of call.”

“I am a patriot of a singular geography on the planet; I speak of my country religiously; I am proud of its landscape. I walk through the traffic of cities cautiously, always nimble and on the alert, because my heart belongs in the marshlands.” ---Pat Conroy

What do you look for in a woman?

See the marriage proposal above. Alright, I’m just kidding. After my last rant about the South, I suppose I should get real funny real quick.

“Simple” is the word that comes to mind when I think about what attracts me to a woman. Not “simple” like Forrest Gump simple, but simple like she has an appreciation for small details and takes great pleasure in the non-complicated side of life. Being driven, confident, focused, independent, and all of that stuff that is fed to women in self-help books and grocery counter magazines is good in theory, but being all of those things often disrupts the balance between a true partner and someone I have to compete with in the relationship. Being “too” anything is a turn off for me.

I think most men appreciate a woman who will pick up a tab every now and then. It’s a nice gesture when a woman offers to pay; however, I never expect that to happen. It’s also nice when a woman appreciates having her chair pulled out for her, recognizes when I insist that she order first at the restaurant, or thanks me for opening her car door—not all the time, but once in a while. I’m not running around in tights and a poet shirt, but I take my roll as a man seriously. It’s nice to have that appreciated.

Beyond that, I look for someone who laughs at my jokes. That’s important too.

If Lone Star went out of business what would be your beverage of choice?

After I finished hyperventilating at the thought of the doors of the Lone Star Brewery being forever closed, I sat down to answer this question. Surprisingly, Lone Star is difficult to get outside of Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. There are a couple of musicians that I follow on a regular basis who are sponsored by Lone Star and actually bring a few cases with them to certain gigs because the bars don’t carry it.

When faced with a choice other than Lone Star I can go several ways. I’ll drink Coors Light, Miller High Life, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or Guinness. I prefer a bottle over a can or a glass. I stopped drinking hard liquor years ago, but I will have the occasional whiskey chaser or whiskey and water at the appropriate venue and depending on how bad my day was. Also, I’m a big fan of Pinot Noir and Chianti and do enjoy my wine, again at the appropriate venue. I’m also regrettably addicted to Diet Coke.

In light of the revelations about Emily and Brad, has your opinion of either of them changed?

No, not really. Truth be told, I think it makes sense that Brad has a problem controlling his temper. He’s a 38 year old single guy with daddy issues. It’s not surprising that he’s internalized some of that pain. It’s probably a huge reason he’s been single so long.

I always laugh at the first few episodes of any Bachelor season when they highlight the star of the show. That person is always portrayed as a perfect specimen of his respective gender who miraculously cannot find the ying to his yang despite being so perfect. The sound bites they pick from the approaching women reinforce the illusion of perfection in that person. I suppose that’s necessary to woo the television audience into the fairytale theme, and I think we all buy into it mindlessly.

However, when the lights dim, the plane leaves the tropical location, and real life begins again, we see that the Bachelor is just like any one of us. He’s a human being with flaws and perhaps those flaws have kept him single past his twenties. I think the same is true with the women. There was a concerted effort this season to build Emily up as a perfect woman. Hell, I’m just as guilty of it as anyone over at ABC. However, we now see her as vulnerable and unsure in her relationship. I don’t think that makes her or Brad a worse person. I think it makes them real. At least neither one of them is perpetuating the false image by parlaying it into a stint on Dancing with the Stars.

Have you ever memorized something (speech, literature, poem, Scripture) just because you wanted to know it by heart?

Yes, as a matter of fact I have. This is the first thing that came to mind when I read this question.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below
A heart whose love is innocent! ---Lord Byron

I also thought of this:
“Look, I'm a shit, but I'm not that big a shit. I have to tell you something. Remember when you came home from riding on the bull that first time and the trailer was all clean and flowers around? I didn't do that. Sissy did it. She was there. She left you a note asking you to phone her. I tore it up, ‘cause I was sorta jealous. I wanted to keep my cowboy. You don't love me Bud, and I don't really love you; not like that. So you shouldn't let her get away. But I tell you what, if you ever wanna make her jealous, you know where I am.” ----Pam from Urban Cowboy

“Sissy, I’m prideful . . .and hard headed . . .but I want to apologize clear back to the first time I hit you. I love you, Sissy.” ---Bud Davis from Urban Cowboy

. . . aaaaand this:

“True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a God damned magic show ready to double team your girlfriend. . .” ---Mitch Martin from Old School

I am literally an encyclopedia of quotes. I love words and have a knack for remembering them. I know song lyrics, movie lines, and literature quotes. I don’t know why but they’ve always stuck in my brain. Thanks for asking that question.

Are you more attracted to smart or funny?

This is a tougher one than I imagined. Smart is always good. It’s nice to have good conversation over a broad range of topics instead of sticking to “guess what I found at the mall today” or “who do you think Brad will pick on the Bachelor finale.” Yes, I appreciate the irony.

Funny is easy to be around and there is no better feeling than sharing a hearty, guttural laugh with a person you love. I’m tempted to cop out and say that I look for a balance between the two; however, I think I prefer smarter over funnier. I will not be with someone who is humorless but it’s almost impossible for me to enjoy myself around someone who walks through life in a haze of confusion.

Smart wins, but funny has to be there.

True or false? The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

False. If you’re at the stomach, look a little lower.

Alright, that’s not entirely true. I, for one, love to cook and I love to be cooked for. It’s nice to have a woman in my life who knows how to cook something other than spaghetti. I love to share a meal with someone I love and I appreciate it when the food in front of me was made with me in mind. That’s nice. It’s like wearing a scarf your grandmother knitted for you. It might be made of the same stuff as the one in the store, but somehow it feels warmer.

On that same note, I find it incredibly unattractive when a woman has no idea how to cook anything. That’s not because I’m some sexist, a-hole who believes women belong in the kitchen, but because I learned how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, etc. all by my little old self. It amazes me that any person who wakes up, dresses, and does anything would be crippled to the point of starvation if Wendy’s suddenly closed. I think we’d all agree that food is a big part of life. If you’ve gone through life as an adult without learning to prepare any of it, I tend to wonder what else you’ve missed.

How do you know when a guy is in to you?

Boy oh boy, the potential this question has for an inappropriate response is almost too much to ignore. Proving I’ve matured as time has gone by, I’ll skip the inappropriate play on the definition of “in to you” and move toward a serious answer. I’d like all of you to pause for a second and appreciate my self control.

I think women (again, generally speaking) make the biggest mistakes of their romantic lives when they attempt to answer this question amongst themselves. If this question is ever posed, a reliable straight man should always be consulted to confirm the results. Think of it like the accounting/consulting firm of Coopers and Lybrand when they are called to certify the Miss America votes. It’s an extra, but necessary step.

So, why do women mess this one up? Simple. They overanalyze everything and, frankly, give men more credit than we deserve. What? You want an example. Fine.

Example: Man and Woman go on a date and Man does not call, text, or email the next day.

Woman thinks Man thinks: He’s going to play it cool and not call me. Perhaps he doesn’t like me but he might be busy and I don’t want to bother him so I won’t call, text, or email even though I want to call, text, and email all at the same time in order to figure out if there is a reason he hasn’t called, texted, or emailed after the wonderful date we had last night. I’ll wait a few days and see if he calls.

Answer: A man who doesn’t call, text, or email the day after a “fabulous” date is NOT into you. Period. Unless he calls a week later and says that he suffered a horrible tragedy of Hiroshima-like proportions, he’s simply not into you. A man who does call, text, or email the day after a “fabulous” date is interested in seeing you again. Period.

Men are simple. It’s like when some “artist” puts a vacuum in the art gallery and dozens of pretentious people in dark-rimmed glasses attend the show in order to stare at it for hours an comment on the statement it makes. Much of what is discussed is merely an invention of the people looking at it. At the end of the day, it’s just a vacuum in a glass case. Nothing more. Nothing less. A non-call is a non-call. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Solution: Call, email, or text the guy and simply ask him if he’s interested. Any honest guy will give you an honest answer. Any guy who equivocates or doesn’t give you an honest answer is either not interested or he’s not worth your trouble. That is a distinction without a difference.

Tell us another funny story.

I have some funny stories in the barrel over the next couple of posts. Keep the ideas coming. It’s a long off season.

Well, there you have it. Granted, that’s perhaps the most uneventful DP Tells All, but I just answer what’s been asked. Stay in touch. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be finding my heart through my stomach. DP


  1. I am from Alabama but I live in Austin. There is no way I would classify Texas as the South. Southwestern is definitely more accurate. Austin is a far more liberal city than probably any other you might encounter in the Southern portions of our nation. However, it is still friendly and accepting. "Keep Austin Weird" definitely radiates through out the city because everyone dances to their own beat but you aren't likely to see anyone judged for it. I love it here and I realize more and more every time I go back to Mobile how much my thought process has changed to reflect where I live now as opposed to where I grew up.

  2. OMG! Straight from the horses mouth...."as I’m certain I’ll find something to write about that will tickle your funny bone—or whatever bone you need tickled."

    Your writing definitely tickles my funny bone, DP. However, my screen saver of your underwear modeling pic is kept for tickleing the other bone.
    Love and laughs,

  3. I love these Tell All posts. They might not be your funniest, but I know we all enjoy getting a little more insight into you. Plus, I don't think any post from you will ever be devoid of humor because for a post to share more about your inner workings, there will always be references to bone tickling and the like. :)

    Here's a question - if you do find yourself in a serious relationship while still writing this blog, will you share it with us? Or will you hold back for fear of crushing the hopes of the many readers like me who fantasize that we'll someday meet you and be swept off our feet?

    If it can't be me, or one of your other loyal readers, I hope you do find The One someday soon (or maybe you already have!). Any man who can quote Byron and show such respect for women, but also kick back with a beer (you had me at PBR) and cook a good meal deserves a good partner by his side.

  4. Couple things to point out. Before I list my weekly favorite DP quotes. These two "tell all" answers ring very true:

    "People who know me and read the blog always say that it’s funnier to them because they know me." - I can personally tell you that Some Guy on this blog is about as real and honest as it gets. He is absolutely being himself. However, "All in all, I'm worth the trouble" - Depends on who you asking, DP ;)

    "I am literally an encyclopedia of quotes. I love words and have a knack for remembering them." - This is more true than most can imagine. I have never met anyone with a memory or knack for never forgetting a quote or any other event for that matter.

    I will have to post my favorite quotes later....heading home.


  5. My favorite: "Boy oh boy, the potential this question has for an inappropriate response is almost too much to ignore. Proving I’ve matured as time has gone by, I’ll skip the inappropriate play on the definition of “in to you” and move toward a serious answer. I’d like all of you to pause for a second and appreciate my self control."

    See, DP? Even when you're not trying to be funny, you're still hilarious. I love getting to know more about you through these posts.

    And I second Jessica's question. ;) Because I know you just got done telling us how everyone has flaws and yada yada yada, and I'm sure you do, but you seem far too good to be true. Haha!

  6. Well it definitely wasn't as impressive as DP tells all #2, but obviously the boxer vs. briefs question really set that one apart ;) Haha - kudos to the readers who submitted these questions and even though it didn't have me snorting water out of my nose, which really has been known to happen, loved your responses. Your ever-present wit and the easy way your writing flows made for another enjoyable blog. Looking forward to more off-season.

  7. I was practically convinced you were my long-lost brother until you said you were a twin, that and the fact that I'm originally from Alabama (but as a heart-felt Texas likes to include "I got here as fast as I could")!

    Not only did you quote Andy Gibb...who adorned my wall all of my youth and was the love of my life until "Urban Cowboy" came along, but you're also a Pat Conroy fan? You didn't include 'Beach Music'....have you read that one? It's not just my favorite Conroy book, it is the book that never leaves the top drawer of the nightstand...the one that lets you leave the world behind the second you flip it open, that inspires you to do things you never even harboured thoughts of before reading it....much like your weekly blog, it makes you want to watch a TV show you really have no interest in just to relish the laughs the next day!
    This was my first season reading your blog ~ but it was by far more amusing than the show itself. Actually, I didn't even watch the final episode or the 'after' show....it was spring break afterall & besides, I knew you'd sum it up nicely! And ya did!
    Thanks for sharing the 'other' side of your personality during the off-season.


    p.s. Even though you didn't ask "us" for anything this time, but I thought I'd share my favorite movie quote anyway...

    "I'm more normal than I have any right to be"
    Siddalee Walker from The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood

  8. I had to laugh at your wonderful defense of the South, as I live in Birmingham and people are constantly amazed that I live in the South but am a likable, intelligent female with no discernible accent. On my blog back in December, I jokingly said, "Yes. I am a worse advocate for the South than the chaw-chewing, overall-wearing, married-to-his-cousin man who comes out of the woodwork to be on the Today Show the morning after the F5 hits your town."

    That reminded me much of what you said above. ;)

  9. Love the post and you proved that smarter is more important than funny.

    I was raised in PA lived in Flordia and now in Texas. I have to admit - I didn't know much about the "south" but I didn't put Texas in that catagory. I can't imagine going back. My first day down here I called my mom inshock that a man held a door open for me that - twice! I do miss Yuengling.

    Here is a question - for those of us that don't have a twin - what is the best and wrost part of having a twin?

    - Post It Girl

  10. if only you would've been this charming at the Clarewood Castle hot tub... Glenna and her thong would've "surprised" you instead of Lenny. Nice work DP -scott from Action Valley

  11. WHAT???? No quotes from A Few Good Men??? I'm shocked. SHOCKED. ;)

  12. i must disagree with you on the smart vs. funny issue. i believe the two go hand in hand. if you are funny, you must be smart. i've never met a dumb funny person. however, having said that, i do think you can be smart but unfunny.
    sylvania, ohio

  13. DP - I totally agree with you on your smart vs. funny answer. However, your answer left me with a question. I can't really determine if Emily is intelligent. She could be, but if she is then why is she with someone like Brad? Based on this alone, I am led to believe that she is not. Furthermore, I don't see much of a sense of humor either. I understand your physical attraction to Emily, but if "smart" and "funny" are qualities in a woman that you look for and require then why this obsession with Emily? My guess would be that she would make it no further than, lets say...your fantasy suite. After a few days of no calls, texts or emails she would glance at "DP Tells All Part 3" in an attempt to gain some insight, discover that "you are not into her" and realize that "smart" and "funny" carry more weight with Some Guy than just being another hot 20 something yr old from the South.

  14. Some Guy, I can't be positive because I've never met you in person, but I live in Austin and I think that I saw you the other day on South Congress. You used to have hair like John Travolta in the movie Broken Arrow. I noticed that you cut your hair....it looks more like Christian Slater's hair in the same movie now. Speaking of the movie Broken Arrow, who was the Howie Long look alike sitting across from you?

  15. As for the smart/funny distinction, your points are all well taken. Perhaps Emily would be too dumb to date. I'd have to date her to find out. I don't think she's boring, though. I think she's not prone to drunken emotional swings like the others. As far as the Broken Arrow comparison, have at it. I have, in fact, taken my summer cut out in lieu of my standard coif. It's nice to be noticed. I'll let the "Howie Long look alike" know he's appreciated as well. DP

  16. So my best friend Gretchen (she won your haiku contest), has been telling me to read your blog for months. I finally started reading about halfway through this season and ever since have not missed a week of reading your blog. I have absolutely loved all the humor you bring to the table and I even got a few of my friends to start reading too!
    Thanks for the comic relief :)

  17. Good questions from Chris Harri-, I mean, MH. On a related note, do you think Emily values some of your very attractive qualities, DP? Granted that we only see snippets ABC selects, but even so, none of us would describe Brad as smart, articulate, or witty - which you clearly are.

    Let's face it, if "having a great personality" (any personality?) were as high as "tall and handsome" on Emily's "must have" list, Womack would not have been in the running. But I suspect I already know the answer - you'd have to date Emily to be sure :)

    Thanks for "telling all"- or at least some - and for answering my question about why Austin is so awesome. Got to visit there soon! Btw, I don't know that it's an Ivy League or East Coast thing you encountered with your former co-counsel. Maybe its my female, public sector lawyer bias, but I've often, though not always, found that male attorneys at large law firms, regardless of location or alma mater, can be pretty self important and closed minded.

  18. Smart, introspective post is a nice start to the post-season blogging! Gives us a nice insight to the cool guy whose blogs we (admit it, we all do this at one point or another) think about during the show, "Ha! Can't wait to see what D.P. writes about THAT!"
    And each week, I say to myself that I really must find a Lone Star beer. Not going to be as easy as finding the Pacifico for my recently-transplanted-to-NJ-from-OK nephew. His first night here, he asked the bartender for a Pacifico, not knowing it's not as common here. Nobody heard him correctly. The bartender brought him a glass of Zinfandel and my friends on the other side of me asked why he ordered a Sippy Cup.
    We have a few good-sized liquor stores around here that have quite a selection of beers (beer not sold in convenience stores or supermarkets in our state). I'm going to have to go Lewis & Clark and find a Lone Star somewhere.
    Thanks D.P.! You always brighten my day when work gets dullllll.

  19. clare, go to lonestar.com. There is a locator on their site that might help you find it. I'd think it's not too hard to find in OK, but who knows. I don't get up there much. dp2, I tend to agree, but let's be honest. Self-importance doesn't discriminate when it comes to gender in our industry. Glad to have some new readers commenting and sticking around as well! DP

  20. LOL....nice one DP2! God, I hope I'm not Harrison. I would like to have his job, but that is where it ends. Plus, we all know that Harrision's man crush on Brad would never permit him to say anything critical about Brad.

    Some Guy - Great stuff as always. I was a little worried and lost when I started reading your poem by Lord Bryon. However, you pulled me right back in when you recited scenes from Urban Cowboy. Loved it! I understand that the poem was mostly directed toward your female audience or possibly the boys in South Beach and I realize that besides yourself, your female readers are the backbone of the blog. However, I do always appreciate the effort you make to keep it interesting for everyone.

  21. MH, the Harrison reference was a joke (glad you laughed) and a compliment. CH does, occasionally, pose some insightful, probing questions, as you did today. I think we all can agree that the guy has one of the most enviable gigs going! Somewhere in his youth or childhood, he must have done something good.

  22. Don't sell yourself short on the Tell All posts... by your readers getting to know you better, we enjoy your Bachelor/ette posts even more. I was raised in MS and went to school in TX and thought your answer to the Southern question was great. Living in DC now, I miss both places... but probably miss TX a little more :-)

  23. DP, as a loyal fan for a year now it's always great to get to know you more through your off-post blogs. I KNOW there are things we don't know about you and you somehow seem to avoid to answer. I admire you that not everyone needs to know everything about you. With that said...
    My question is "Did you always want to be an attorney? What part of your job do you hate??" I think you answered the later part in a previous post, but honestly most atorneys I know are jerks and know-it-alls. You seem quite the opposite other than you do at least share some know it all when it comes to relationships and guys point of view.

    Also, what are your viewpoints on children? Do you have nieces and nephews that you are around alot? I have always thought that there are both men and women who should never have kids and I wondered if you are the type who would enjoy kids or if they do not fit into your "life plan". I am married and not asking if you want to have kids with me, by any means (-: Kim in Nevada

    PS As for the stereotype of locations. Those of us from non-Las Vegas Nevada hate when others compare all of Nevada to Vegas! We enjoy it as much as everyone else, but trust me the rest of Nevada is NOTHING like Vegas. I just spent four days skiing in Tahoe and we enjoyed the mountains, snow, fully dressed side of Nevada. Even some gambling and drinks!

  24. Kim in Nevada, No, I did not always want to be a lawyer but I always liked the law. It's true that there are many big personalities in this business and that's unfortunate. My experience with a few of them is fodder for another post. Children are another subject dear to my heart and also a subject for another post. As for the Vegas sterotype, I suppose it's a thorn in your side like Elvis in Memphis. Thanks for reading, writing, and sticking around. DP

  25. Ouch, Kim. Not all of us attorneys are self-important, self-impressed, totally unself-aware, jerks. Although it seems that my profession yields a disproportionate amount. Of course to be fair, I have met a lot of passionate, driven, compassionate lawyers as well.

    ...and as an East Coast bred, Ivy League educated former big law attorney, I can say that arrogance, and ignorance, are in no short supply amongst my peers. However, now being a gvnt. lawyer living in Nashville, I have found that my Southern brethren certainly do their fair share of the heavy lifting in the arrogance/ignorance race...it's not all reserved for us Yankee snobs ;-)

    I agree with peeps above on the funny/smart assessments. I have found that the funniest people are often some of the brightest people (although the converse is not necessarily true). It's very difficult to be truly funny, beyond simple frat boy, potty humor, without having corresponding wit, intelligence, and observational skills.

    So glad to be able to still enjoy your blog even in the "off season!"

  26. Is it pathetic that this was the highlight of my day? Perhaps it just speaks to the quality of your writing rather than the state of my day. In any case...this was great. Well written as always. As an Okie I appreciate you distinguishing the "west" and "midwest" from the south. When you live here and visit Charleston, SC or New Orleans you certainly see a difference!
    If you ever make it north of the Red River...let us Okie girls know...we'll introduce you to Choc beer. :)

  27. The off season posts are really more interesting - you're a real guy, living a real life. Thanks for keeping us entertained!

  28. Thanks for the compliment, DP2. The Harrison reference did make me laugh. For the record, I would take his job in a second. I would love to see Some Guy become the next bachelor. Just imagine, me as the host and DP as the next bachelor....Could it get any better? "Some Guy...ladies, its time for the final rose."

  29. Lindsey, I did not mean to offend ALL attorneys out there I was making a point that most attorneys are like that but our fellow DP seems to be a little, ok a lot, more level headed than most attorneys I have met. I totally agree that attorneys are really intelligent and have a stressful job that requires them to put others before thmeselves at time and for that we thank you. Oh and I also meant that as universal not just area specific. (-:

    DP, glad to hear you enjoy children and would love to hear more on that. ( I loved the bouncy house post a while back, Classic) Thanks again for the humor you provide to all of us and that your blog has not gotten any of us fired for laughing so loud at our computer screen. (Or spitting out beverage of choice on our keyboard.) Kim in Nevada

  30. Not offended at all, Kim (because let's be honest, there are a disproportionate amount of douchey attorneys out there) ;-)

    ...and I agree, DP, is refreshing in his wit, good naturedness, and humor. I have no doubt that it serves him well in multiple realms.

  31. Praise the Lord and Pass the Sauce! God Bless Some Guy in Austin for an off season post. Have missed reading your posts. Christine

  32. I ĺike the posts of questions and answers, that's perfect because we can get a lot of requests about the different topics you post in here.

  33. As an Okie I appreciate you distinguishing the "west" and "midwest" from the south. I have always thought that there are both men and women who should never have kids

  34. I was raised in MS and went to school in TX and thought your answer to the Southern question was great. Living in DC now, I miss both places... but probably miss TX a little more :-)