Good Lord. We’re back for Episode 10 of what used to be a show that I enjoyed watching. Yes, it’s time for the Women Tell All Episode. It’s an episode more aptly titled, The Women Get Dramatic and Bitchy and Complain About Everything and Say Absolutely Nothing. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I hated all 120 minutes of the show. However, I am a professional and based on the email traffic and Facebook comments I received during the show, a lot of you are counting on me. As always, it feels nice to feel needed every now and then.
Before we begin I want to say thank you to everyone in the lovely city of Birmingham who showed up for the meet and greet last week. I met so many nice people and had a wonderful time. Thank you for humoring me. I hope y’all enjoyed your token Lone Star bottle cap door prizes and congratulations to Jordan for earning the First Impression Bottle Cap. Everyone was incredibly lovely, but showing up in “cowboy boots” (they’re just “boots” in Austin) sporting the bang braid was what put her over the edge. I respect the commitment and the effort. I’m sure she’ll treasure that moment for at least a few minutes before throwing that cap into her junk drawer and then wondering why it’s there when she moves in a few years. With that out of the way, let’s get to it.
We begin with what will prove to be the main theme of the show: bickering. Like a German pornography film, the show wastes little time getting to the action and quickly deteriorates into a horrible mess. Well, that’s what I hear about German pornography films. Of course, I can’t be certain.
We see women we’ve already forgotten about like the poor man’s Gwenyth Paltrow, Melissa and Raichel piling on this season’s female Wes Hayden, Michelle, before we move to the standard pre-packaged audience cut away reaction shots that were undoubtedly filmed well in advance of the actual interviews. We know deep down that every mother/daughter combination in the audience shared the “I don’t know why they didn’t pick your application. You’re much cuter than those women” conversation as they waited in breathless anticipation for Harrison to enter the studio.
I popped my first Lone Star as I simultaneously rolled my eyes and settled in like a captured truant and prepared to take my licks. I was especially testy after a long day at the office and seriously considered just giving myself an enema and then blogging about that. I reasoned that I would likely experience the same range of emotions but it wouldn’t take me two hours to get a result. Man, I was testy. Enough about my testes. Let’s move on.
Harrison enters the top secret studio to a king’s reception prepared to earn his paycheck for a change after what was frankly an uneventful season for him. Much like Brad’s personality, he’s been underutilized this season. Of course, that comment presupposes that Brad does, in fact, have a personality. Oblivious and contractually bound to keep their mouths shut after the taping, the audience collectively bats its eyes at Harrison in hopes of earning a fleeting glance from him as his wife undoubtedly belted back her third dry vodka martini in the green room.
Decked out in his standard tailored dark suit and deep blue tie, he soaks in the high pitched screams of an appropriate cross-section of the show’s demographic. Smiling, he resets the “Brad is different” theme of the season as someone hits the button on the Applause sign and the crowd again goes wild. Insert sigh, cranky face, and a trip to the refrigerator to get another Lone Star.
St. Harrison takes his familiar spot on his throne amongst the candles and soft lighting and begins to address his subjects. Thrilled to have some substantive material to regurgitate from the teleprompter, he reminds us that our second-time bachelor has narrowed his love quest to two ladies and promises us some “controversy” and “drama.” The only thing controversial was Harrison’s noticeably poofier hair. I wondered if his hair dresser was caught banging Roz Papa at the Bachelor Reunion Orgy, but quickly regained my focus as Harrison announced a fireside chat with Brad. Lone Star number three.
Harrison cozies up across from Brad in front of a giant fireplace that apparently was ignited by using their ties as kindling. I passively soaked in the implied casual nature of the setting and quickly readied my pen to count “I really dos” “I mean thats” and “she’s an incredible womans” as Brad began to remind us of stuff we didn’t need to be reminded about. Momentarily bored, I quickly realized that I was happy to be free of the cat fighting. I sipped my beer and began to listen.
First up in the recap of the recap is our finalist Chantal. As if we all missed it on YouTube, Good Morning (insert the name of your town here), Good Day (insert the name of your town here), Hello (insert the name of your town here), Live with Regis and Kelly Lee, and every online version of every gossip magazine published, we again see Chantal exit the limo and deliver a pre-planned slap to Brad’s scruffy, Axe Body Spray Cleansing Lotion covered face.
We see some early season shots of Chantal looking precious and progress to some late season shots of Chantal looking like Precious. (Yes, I did). We relive a bit of the carnival date with Ashley H. (I’ll get to her in a bit) and are thankful that it wasn’t a circus date because then she would have been put in a cage next to the bearded lady and been carted away to the next town where a giant cloth mural would have been plastered on the outside of the tent reading “Come One and All and Witness the Girl with the World’s Largest Forehead.” I’ll get to the bangs later. Trust me.
We next see this season’s most miserably unsuccessful gimmick, Madison and her fangs. Brad pretends to like them as Harrison cleverly segues from the walking dead to the actual dead as he brings up this season’s dead horse, Shawntel’s career choice. I swear, if they beat that horse any more Shawntel might as well have embalmed it.
Finally, we move to the unfortunate focus of the big show, Michelle and her crazy behavior. Brad sets up the Arthur Miller-esque witch hunt by saying that he liked Michelle’s “sexual and sensual” nature and admitting that he has “no game.” As I reached for my beer I could have sworn I saw it roll its eyes. Thankfully, Harrison headed directly for commercial. We really did. I meant that. Truly. No doubt about it.
As we return from commercial Harrison sets up the next segment by reminding us that we’ve endured this trash for 15 seasons. Apparently, making as ass of yourself on a reality show and then losing—no matter how early—gives a person the right to join that “select group of people, now over 500 strong” at an orgy in various cities around the country.
We see Kasey and his tattoo as he drops his “guard and protect” nonsense before sweating like a fat kid at the park in some New York hotel bar as he attempts (successfully it appeared) to hook up with some of the past dumpees. We see Big Eared Ty, Nikki, Jesse, more Kasey, and . . . hell, I didn’t know who most of these people were and I didn’t care. I was surprised that they didn’t cart out Ryan and Trista in order to remind us that the Bachelor “works” but then I realized the purpose of the segment was to set up Bachelor Pad 2.
We see ABC’s whipping girl, Roz Papa, who apparently broke up with her fired boyfriend and slept with someone currently employed with ABC in order to get back in the good graces of the party planners and Bachelor Pad 2 casting director. I really hope she slept with that fat guy with the hat like Brad who always gets stuck moving luggage to the hallway. That guy deserves a solid and Roz owes him for helping her pack. That’s what I call a win-win.
Finally, we see my buddy Wes Hayden boozing it up after arriving on the ABC Gravy Train in order to take advantage of the loose booze and free women. Frankly, I can’t fault the guy. I’d handcuff myself to that train if I was Wes Hayden. It beats the hell out of playing the Fingers Furniture Showroom on the Gulf Freeway in Houston for a hundred dollars and a 10% discount on their slightly used furniture.
We learn, though implication, that Wes and Gia are, sadly, no longer a couple as Gia implies that Vienna violated proper post-reality show orgy behavior after consulting the “Rules of Skank” and hooking up with Wes Hayden. I believed Gia’s accusation to be true because when asked about it Vienna could not look straight into the camera. Well, at least with one eye she couldn’t.
Whatever the truth may be, let’s entertain the possibility of Wes sleeping with Vienna for a moment. I have to hand it to Wes. Getting hammered for free at a function paid for by the very people who once tried to ruin him by letting the D-bag from Denton come back to the show and hit Wes with false allegations of having a girlfriend so Jake and his smug, arrogant self could become the next Bachelor and then bagging the some woman Jake ultimately picked only to have her ridicule him and eventually expose him for the overinflated, fame-seeking, a-hole that he actually is before making it a point to whore around with former cast members and eventually sleeping with Wes must have been pretty damn gratifying for Wes. Put that in your jet engine and smoke it, Jake.
Career-less Musicians--- 1
Fake Pilots-- 0
With that ridiculousness out of the way, we return to the studio and enjoy more reaction shots from the audience before Harrison brings on this season’s heartbroken losers—most of whom have a giant axe to grind with a certain Teri Hatcher look alike. Lone Star number four.
The women who showed up in order to extend their 15 minutes of Bachelorette fame and allow their home town hair dressers to discuss them with other customers for yet another week without sounding dated and irrelevant were as follows:
Ashley H., 26, Dentist, Madawaska, ME.—Proving that she does indeed read my blog, she shows up looking like her older sister who flew in from a tropical location. No, she didn’t get banged in the fantasy suite, but she made up for it by getting banged before the show. Sporting her new bangs, a new hair color, and looking a few shades darker than the standard Madawaskaner, she makes it clear that she’s in the running for the next Bachelorette. The makeover didn’t do a lot for me, but props to her for hiring some “people” in the interim. We’ll see how it works for her.
Shawntel, 25, Funeral Director, Chino, CA.—she looked the same. She had the good sense to keep her mouth shut. Everyone likes her. There was no need for her to ruin that. Nice job. I’m certain her father was watching closely to ensure her prompt return to Chico.
Ashley S., 26, Nanny, Ellerbe, NC.—Way too much make up and clearly not over the entire experience. Perhaps she could be the next Bachelorette but I think she’s way too fragile. She seems sweet enough but confessed to being a door mat. That’s just as unattractive to a man as being a Michelle. Crying is often harder to deal with than screaming.
Michelle, 30, Hair Stylist, Salt Lake City, UT.—We’ll get to her later. She came armed with another 100 pound turquoise necklace in anticipation of the spears that would soon be thrown at her chest. She had on more jewelry than Xerxes in the movie 300.
Raichel, 29, Manscaper, Fullerton, CA.—Minor player who acted like she owned the place. She was only invited back to fight with Melissa. Clearly, Brad made the right decision. Listening to her pontificate was like getting my undercarriage waxed.
Meghan, 30, Fashion Marketer, Princeton, NJ.—I remember nothing about her. In the long term, she’ll be grateful that no one else does either. Enjoy anonymity again and have fun hooking up at the post-Bachelor orgies.
Madison, 25, Model, Vail, CO.—No fangs proving they were a gimmick in the first place. She’s the Gerald Ford of the bunch as she’s the only one not elected to go home. Good for her for making that decision. As I said in the past, I respect her and actually liked her. She’s odd, yes, but compared to this bunch seemed as normal as it gets. Go figure.
Marissa, 26, Sports Publicist, Mesa, AZ.—Got a little bitchy but not out of control. The dry air in Arizona is not helping her complexion. Some Proactive might be in order.
Brit, 25, Paralegal, Holland, PA.—Skinny, mousy Britt. She’s nice enough and actually went to bat for Michelle a couple of times. I liked her but she wasn’t for Brad.
Alli, 24, Apparel Merchant , Columbus, OH.—Looked trim and happy. I was a little mean to her this season, but generally liked her. She still has big teeth.
Stacey, 26, Bartender, Quincy, MA. She’s the Bah-ten-da from Bah-ston. Abrasive, unattractive, and a huge bit*h. Regardless of what Michelle did, this broad (yes, that’s the appropriate term) piled on to the point where Harrison actually had to shut her up. She should go back to slinging Guinness and being unattractive in whatever BAH she works at in BAH-ston.
Jackie, 27, Artist, Warwick, RI.—Underbite. She was a complete, unwatchable pain. I wanted to stuff a Lone Star bottle down her throat so she’d shut up.
Sarah P., 27, Real Estate Broker, Denver, CO.-- Twenty-seven, my ass. I don’t care how dry the air is in Denver. She got mean early and piled on Michelle.
Lisa M., 24, Marketing Coordinator, Ottawa, KS.—Went to bat hard for Michelle and even sported a similar large turquoise necklace in a show of solidarity.
Line up in order, we proceed to the “Drama and Cat Fight” portion of the show. Looking like he knows good and well what’s coming, Harrison primes the engine by getting Marissa and Madison to comment on the tension in the house. We see the claws come out, Melissa and Raichel argue, Madison’s fangs, and Michelle’s Lady Macbeth-esque scheming and plotting, and cut back to Harrison who pauses momentarily before kick starting the bit*h-cycle.
Sarah projects her guilt stemming from lying about her age onto Michelle as Stacey the Bahtenda and Marissa pile on. Michelle starts softly with the “dry sense of humor” defense but is quickly outgunned by the strategically located Jackie who, despite making a relatively good impression this season, proceeds to take off the gloves and pick up some brass knuckles and go after Michelle.
Reeling from the immediate onslaught, Michelle ditches the “dry sense of humor” defense and moves immediately to the “I’m mean because I feel guilty about leaving my daughter” defense. I was glad to know that the little girl survived. It’s a darn good thing Michelle didn’t make it any further down the line. I’m certain that the orthodontist can fix the damage to her daughter’s teeth sustained after chewing through her ropes.
Harrison sits there like Helen Keller fending off “help me, Chris” glances from a panicking Michelle. Ashley H. puts her new bangs to use by hurling them in front of Jackie and Stacey and sticking up for Michelle. Madison attempts to find middle ground with the “at least you were up front about being a bit*h” argument. That was painful to watch. I’ll give you my thoughts on Michelle later.
First, Harrison realizes that the show has careened horribly off track. He heads into commercial break so that Melissa and Raichel can be reminded that they hate each other. After all, Michelle is the big finale before Womack shows up and there’s no reason for the in-fighting to peak early. God, I hate this show. Lone Star number five.
Back from break and with everyone on task, Harrison invited Melissa down to take her medicine. She and Raichel agree to disagree about who started what and how it all went down as Jackie warms up by jumping into the fray. “Keep your underbite closed,” I said as I wondered how much chardonnay Jackie had in the green room before the taping. The entire argument was tired and unnecessary; however, Harrison felt content to let it unfold.
After more back and forth than a Maury Povich Who’s My Baby Daddy show, the sweet Ashley S. hits the nail directly—and I mean directly—on the head by saying that “there is nothing more unattractive” than this kind of back biting. As if it were handed down from Mt. Sinai—or whatever the southern version of Mt. Sinai is---Ashley S. says in her unassuming accent, “the bottom line is, do not act like that in front of a guy.” Brilliant. I smiled and resolved not to make fun of the preponderance of blush on Ashley S.’s sweet, southern cheeks. In light of that comment I would ignore the fact that she looked like she’d just killed her first fox. (Look it up if you don’t get that one. It’s funny).
We cut to commercial with the promise that Michelle will soon be derided for her behavior and attacked by women with no children about her qualifications as a mother. Frankly, I would have rather been watching Charlie Sheen. Perhaps those two could date. Just a thought.
Alright, I’ve resolved to limit the entire Michelle segment to three paragraphs. We all know that Jackie and Stacey piled on in a big way with Lisa, Britt, and Ashley H. coming to Michelle’s defense. Harrison also came to her defense in several ways. He treated her with kid gloves, fended off attacks from Jackie and Stacey, called Jackie out on her bulls*it, went to break when he could, and rehabilitated her after the break. Clearly, Harrison likes Michelle. I think that speaks to the big picture and not what we all saw on screen. Michelle’s a pain in the ass, but I don’t think she’s a horrible person. Granted, she deserved to answer for her aggressive conduct, but she didn’t deserve a scarlet letter “A” on her chest.
Regardless of where you come down on Michelle, that entire segment was way overdone. I don’t believe she was acting and I believe she was upset at the backlash she suffered on the show and knew she would have to suffer after the show. Her chickens came home to roost. I’m certain Wes Hayden can speak to that issue.
Michelle was volatile from the beginning and made the classic mistake of thinking she was smarter than both the women and the people who run the show. Perhaps she was right about the former, but certainly not the latter. I thought it was interesting to compare Harrison’s treatment of Roz Papa to his treatment of Michelle. Arguably, he had an axe to grind with both, but chose to come out in support of Michelle.
I thought Stacey was incredibly cruel when it came to the comments about Michelle’s daughter and I thought Jackie was inappropriate as well. When Stacey has a daughter she can call Michelle and tell her how to raise hers. Until then, she should keep her abrasive, East Coast mouth shut. She unnecessarily piled on after Michelle was clearly upset and that was unfair in that context. Michelle was not on trial. She was a misguided reality contestant who made her own bed. She’ll have enough trouble lying in it without hearing about it incessantly from a Boston hag like Stacey. Harrison handed it to Jackie as well. Segment over. Thank God. Lone Star number 6.
I was perhaps more thankful than Michelle that her segment was over. We head back after a break to a close up of her and realize that she’s taken the time to fix her make up. Glad it’s Ashley S.’s turn to revisit her dumping, Michelle tries her best to blend into the group as we watch the recap of poor Ashley S. getting dumped and crying uncontrollably in the limo while doubting her future.
A collective “awwww” comes from the crowd as Ashley tells us in a shaky southern accent that her past relationships have “awl weent downheeel” after a great start. Harrison props her up and probably recommends three complimentary sessions with Dr. Jamie before she returns to South Carolina. She’s a sweet person and I’m certain if she gains a bit of confidence she’ll do just fine. Regardless, I still popped Lone Star number 7. After all, a day without a buzz is a day that never was.
At this point, I have to admit that I was more fed up than a bulimic before a post-binge purge. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to gloss over the remaining segments—Brad , South African Pre-school, and Ashley H.—in my usual manner. However, I’m going to abbreviate them and then concentrate on our two remaining women.
Ashley H. shows off her new bangs, excessive tanning cream, and bright lipstick as she relives the horror of her progressive meltdown while assuring us she’s got it all back together just in time to be asked to be the next Bachelorette. The Producers will have to see how her new bangs and hair color work on the test audience and compare those results with Gia’s in order to see who gets the free trip around the world with 25 schmucks vying for her heart. My vote is for Gia. She’s hotter, dirtier, and dumber. That makes for good blogging.
Harrison and Brad head to some South African school for a 30 second The Bachelor Gives Back segment. Harrison schools the orphans at soccer while Brad plays patty cake in the playground. The show’s big contribution to the dirt poor South African orphanage? Hot water. That’s right. They gave a bunch of orphans who live in the desert hot water. Stay tuned next season when Brad and Harrison will travel to an Alaskan orphanage to give the Eskimo children some ice then travel to an Oklahoma Indian reservation with a case of fire water. Give me a break. Hot water? Brad could have at least had the courtesy of bringing over a case of Axe Body Spray. I’m sure he has extra.
Brad emerges looking very double Windsor knotted and anxious to get the interview over with so he can go hat shopping. Brad gives Harrison some sort of macho fraternity handshake and proceeds to call him “buddy” while simultaneously letting everyone know what “incredible women” they are. He makes nice with Ashley and her new bangs and goes to bat for Michelle. B.O.R.I.N.G.
We cut next to the two remaining women: Chantal and Emily. Chantal goes first as we again relive the fake slap she delivered to Brad when she was still thin. We see a montage of Chantal’s erratic behavior and unprecedented season long weight gain as Brad’s voice over showers her with compliments.
I half expected a shot of Chantal’s father sitting forlornly in his giant man room next to his homoerotic statue collection sipping a glass of wine as a tear gently made its way down his surgically taut cheek while he thought about what could be if only Brad would pick Chantal. Oh, the joy. Then Brad and Chantal could move back to Seattle where he and Brad would work side by side in one of his many car dealerships. After all, I’m certain Chantal’s father has plenty of openings he’d like Brad to fill. (Yes, I did again).
We next move to the perfection named Emily and relive Brad’s boyish fascination with her and her Southern charm. Thankfully, we get multiple shots of her shorts as we see Brad’s throbbing arms hugging her tightly on their South African adventure. Brad’s arms weren’t the only thing that was throbbing. Obviously, his heart was too.
Nostalgic—and on Lone Star number 8 which may have contributed to the aforementioned nostalgia—I reflected upon the season and gave some thought to Brad’s final choice. Oh, who are we kidding? He picks Emily. We all know it and if we don’t were wrong.
I can’t blame the guy for picking her, but I can’t help but feel like she’s too good for him. When I say “too good” I don’t mean in the sense that Emily is a better person than Brad. I mean it in the sense that watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching a monkey play with an iPad . . . a really hot iPad in tight white shorts. Sure, it’s entertaining, but I know I could do a better job. Hell, I’m so good in bed that the neighbors smoke after I’m done.
I’ll tell you what. Let’s have another contest this week. With last week’s haiku prizes in the mail, I need another excuse to dispose of my empty Lone Star six pack holders. Send me your best “Watching Brad make out with Emily is like . . .” metaphor and I’ll pick a winner before our big finale next week. I can’t wait to see what you come up with.
Well, there you have it. With the Amazing Count at 127 and the Journey Count at 24 we head into next week for the Big Finale and the After the Final Rose Episode. As is my custom, I’ll post about the final outcome on Tuesday and then I’ll post my ATFR break down on Thursday. Please send in your metaphors along with any suggestions for off season posts. There are a few months between Bachelor Pad 2 and the next season. I plan to fill them with plenty of material. Until next time, take care of yourselves and enjoy your Fat Tuesday. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be dying my hair and working on getting bangs. DP