Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bachelor Recap Episode 10: Ashley Gets Banged

Good Lord. We’re back for Episode 10 of what used to be a show that I enjoyed watching. Yes, it’s time for the Women Tell All Episode. It’s an episode more aptly titled, The Women Get Dramatic and Bitchy and Complain About Everything and Say Absolutely Nothing. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I hated all 120 minutes of the show. However, I am a professional and based on the email traffic and Facebook comments I received during the show, a lot of you are counting on me. As always, it feels nice to feel needed every now and then.

Before we begin I want to say thank you to everyone in the lovely city of Birmingham who showed up for the meet and greet last week. I met so many nice people and had a wonderful time. Thank you for humoring me. I hope y’all enjoyed your token Lone Star bottle cap door prizes and congratulations to Jordan for earning the First Impression Bottle Cap. Everyone was incredibly lovely, but showing up in “cowboy boots” (they’re just “boots” in Austin) sporting the bang braid was what put her over the edge. I respect the commitment and the effort. I’m sure she’ll treasure that moment for at least a few minutes before throwing that cap into her junk drawer and then wondering why it’s there when she moves in a few years. With that out of the way, let’s get to it.

We begin with what will prove to be the main theme of the show: bickering. Like a German pornography film, the show wastes little time getting to the action and quickly deteriorates into a horrible mess. Well, that’s what I hear about German pornography films. Of course, I can’t be certain.

We see women we’ve already forgotten about like the poor man’s Gwenyth Paltrow, Melissa and Raichel piling on this season’s female Wes Hayden, Michelle, before we move to the standard pre-packaged audience cut away reaction shots that were undoubtedly filmed well in advance of the actual interviews. We know deep down that every mother/daughter combination in the audience shared the “I don’t know why they didn’t pick your application. You’re much cuter than those women” conversation as they waited in breathless anticipation for Harrison to enter the studio.

I popped my first Lone Star as I simultaneously rolled my eyes and settled in like a captured truant and prepared to take my licks. I was especially testy after a long day at the office and seriously considered just giving myself an enema and then blogging about that. I reasoned that I would likely experience the same range of emotions but it wouldn’t take me two hours to get a result. Man, I was testy. Enough about my testes. Let’s move on.

Harrison enters the top secret studio to a king’s reception prepared to earn his paycheck for a change after what was frankly an uneventful season for him. Much like Brad’s personality, he’s been underutilized this season. Of course, that comment presupposes that Brad does, in fact, have a personality. Oblivious and contractually bound to keep their mouths shut after the taping, the audience collectively bats its eyes at Harrison in hopes of earning a fleeting glance from him as his wife undoubtedly belted back her third dry vodka martini in the green room.

Decked out in his standard tailored dark suit and deep blue tie, he soaks in the high pitched screams of an appropriate cross-section of the show’s demographic. Smiling, he resets the “Brad is different” theme of the season as someone hits the button on the Applause sign and the crowd again goes wild. Insert sigh, cranky face, and a trip to the refrigerator to get another Lone Star.

St. Harrison takes his familiar spot on his throne amongst the candles and soft lighting and begins to address his subjects. Thrilled to have some substantive material to regurgitate from the teleprompter, he reminds us that our second-time bachelor has narrowed his love quest to two ladies and promises us some “controversy” and “drama.” The only thing controversial was Harrison’s noticeably poofier hair. I wondered if his hair dresser was caught banging Roz Papa at the Bachelor Reunion Orgy, but quickly regained my focus as Harrison announced a fireside chat with Brad. Lone Star number three.

Harrison cozies up across from Brad in front of a giant fireplace that apparently was ignited by using their ties as kindling. I passively soaked in the implied casual nature of the setting and quickly readied my pen to count “I really dos” “I mean thats” and “she’s an incredible womans” as Brad began to remind us of stuff we didn’t need to be reminded about. Momentarily bored, I quickly realized that I was happy to be free of the cat fighting. I sipped my beer and began to listen.

First up in the recap of the recap is our finalist Chantal. As if we all missed it on YouTube, Good Morning (insert the name of your town here), Good Day (insert the name of your town here), Hello (insert the name of your town here), Live with Regis and Kelly Lee, and every online version of every gossip magazine published, we again see Chantal exit the limo and deliver a pre-planned slap to Brad’s scruffy, Axe Body Spray Cleansing Lotion covered face.

We see some early season shots of Chantal looking precious and progress to some late season shots of Chantal looking like Precious. (Yes, I did). We relive a bit of the carnival date with Ashley H. (I’ll get to her in a bit) and are thankful that it wasn’t a circus date because then she would have been put in a cage next to the bearded lady and been carted away to the next town where a giant cloth mural would have been plastered on the outside of the tent reading “Come One and All and Witness the Girl with the World’s Largest Forehead.” I’ll get to the bangs later. Trust me.

We next see this season’s most miserably unsuccessful gimmick, Madison and her fangs. Brad pretends to like them as Harrison cleverly segues from the walking dead to the actual dead as he brings up this season’s dead horse, Shawntel’s career choice. I swear, if they beat that horse any more Shawntel might as well have embalmed it.

Finally, we move to the unfortunate focus of the big show, Michelle and her crazy behavior. Brad sets up the Arthur Miller-esque witch hunt by saying that he liked Michelle’s “sexual and sensual” nature and admitting that he has “no game.” As I reached for my beer I could have sworn I saw it roll its eyes. Thankfully, Harrison headed directly for commercial. We really did. I meant that. Truly. No doubt about it.

As we return from commercial Harrison sets up the next segment by reminding us that we’ve endured this trash for 15 seasons. Apparently, making as ass of yourself on a reality show and then losing—no matter how early—gives a person the right to join that “select group of people, now over 500 strong” at an orgy in various cities around the country.

We see Kasey and his tattoo as he drops his “guard and protect” nonsense before sweating like a fat kid at the park in some New York hotel bar as he attempts (successfully it appeared) to hook up with some of the past dumpees. We see Big Eared Ty, Nikki, Jesse, more Kasey, and . . . hell, I didn’t know who most of these people were and I didn’t care. I was surprised that they didn’t cart out Ryan and Trista in order to remind us that the Bachelor “works” but then I realized the purpose of the segment was to set up Bachelor Pad 2.

We see ABC’s whipping girl, Roz Papa, who apparently broke up with her fired boyfriend and slept with someone currently employed with ABC in order to get back in the good graces of the party planners and Bachelor Pad 2 casting director. I really hope she slept with that fat guy with the hat like Brad who always gets stuck moving luggage to the hallway. That guy deserves a solid and Roz owes him for helping her pack. That’s what I call a win-win.

Finally, we see my buddy Wes Hayden boozing it up after arriving on the ABC Gravy Train in order to take advantage of the loose booze and free women. Frankly, I can’t fault the guy. I’d handcuff myself to that train if I was Wes Hayden. It beats the hell out of playing the Fingers Furniture Showroom on the Gulf Freeway in Houston for a hundred dollars and a 10% discount on their slightly used furniture.

We learn, though implication, that Wes and Gia are, sadly, no longer a couple as Gia implies that Vienna violated proper post-reality show orgy behavior after consulting the “Rules of Skank” and hooking up with Wes Hayden. I believed Gia’s accusation to be true because when asked about it Vienna could not look straight into the camera. Well, at least with one eye she couldn’t.

Whatever the truth may be, let’s entertain the possibility of Wes sleeping with Vienna for a moment. I have to hand it to Wes. Getting hammered for free at a function paid for by the very people who once tried to ruin him by letting the D-bag from Denton come back to the show and hit Wes with false allegations of having a girlfriend so Jake and his smug, arrogant self could become the next Bachelor and then bagging the some woman Jake ultimately picked only to have her ridicule him and eventually expose him for the overinflated, fame-seeking, a-hole that he actually is before making it a point to whore around with former cast members and eventually sleeping with Wes must have been pretty damn gratifying for Wes. Put that in your jet engine and smoke it, Jake.

Career-less Musicians--- 1

Fake Pilots-- 0

With that ridiculousness out of the way, we return to the studio and enjoy more reaction shots from the audience before Harrison brings on this season’s heartbroken losers—most of whom have a giant axe to grind with a certain Teri Hatcher look alike. Lone Star number four.

The women who showed up in order to extend their 15 minutes of Bachelorette fame and allow their home town hair dressers to discuss them with other customers for yet another week without sounding dated and irrelevant were as follows:

Ashley H., 26, Dentist, Madawaska, ME.—Proving that she does indeed read my blog, she shows up looking like her older sister who flew in from a tropical location. No, she didn’t get banged in the fantasy suite, but she made up for it by getting banged before the show. Sporting her new bangs, a new hair color, and looking a few shades darker than the standard Madawaskaner, she makes it clear that she’s in the running for the next Bachelorette. The makeover didn’t do a lot for me, but props to her for hiring some “people” in the interim. We’ll see how it works for her.

Shawntel, 25, Funeral Director, Chino, CA.—she looked the same. She had the good sense to keep her mouth shut. Everyone likes her. There was no need for her to ruin that. Nice job. I’m certain her father was watching closely to ensure her prompt return to Chico.

Ashley S., 26, Nanny, Ellerbe, NC.—Way too much make up and clearly not over the entire experience. Perhaps she could be the next Bachelorette but I think she’s way too fragile. She seems sweet enough but confessed to being a door mat. That’s just as unattractive to a man as being a Michelle. Crying is often harder to deal with than screaming.

Michelle, 30, Hair Stylist, Salt Lake City, UT.—We’ll get to her later. She came armed with another 100 pound turquoise necklace in anticipation of the spears that would soon be thrown at her chest. She had on more jewelry than Xerxes in the movie 300.

Raichel, 29, Manscaper, Fullerton, CA.—Minor player who acted like she owned the place. She was only invited back to fight with Melissa. Clearly, Brad made the right decision. Listening to her pontificate was like getting my undercarriage waxed.

Meghan, 30, Fashion Marketer, Princeton, NJ.—I remember nothing about her. In the long term, she’ll be grateful that no one else does either. Enjoy anonymity again and have fun hooking up at the post-Bachelor orgies.

Madison, 25, Model, Vail, CO.—No fangs proving they were a gimmick in the first place. She’s the Gerald Ford of the bunch as she’s the only one not elected to go home. Good for her for making that decision. As I said in the past, I respect her and actually liked her. She’s odd, yes, but compared to this bunch seemed as normal as it gets. Go figure.

Marissa, 26, Sports Publicist, Mesa, AZ.—Got a little bitchy but not out of control. The dry air in Arizona is not helping her complexion. Some Proactive might be in order.

Brit, 25, Paralegal, Holland, PA.—Skinny, mousy Britt. She’s nice enough and actually went to bat for Michelle a couple of times. I liked her but she wasn’t for Brad.

Alli, 24, Apparel Merchant , Columbus, OH.—Looked trim and happy. I was a little mean to her this season, but generally liked her. She still has big teeth.

Stacey, 26, Bartender, Quincy, MA. She’s the Bah-ten-da from Bah-ston. Abrasive, unattractive, and a huge bit*h. Regardless of what Michelle did, this broad (yes, that’s the appropriate term) piled on to the point where Harrison actually had to shut her up. She should go back to slinging Guinness and being unattractive in whatever BAH she works at in BAH-ston.

Jackie, 27, Artist, Warwick, RI.—Underbite. She was a complete, unwatchable pain. I wanted to stuff a Lone Star bottle down her throat so she’d shut up.

Sarah P., 27, Real Estate Broker, Denver, CO.-- Twenty-seven, my ass. I don’t care how dry the air is in Denver. She got mean early and piled on Michelle.

Lisa M., 24, Marketing Coordinator, Ottawa, KS.—Went to bat hard for Michelle and even sported a similar large turquoise necklace in a show of solidarity.

Line up in order, we proceed to the “Drama and Cat Fight” portion of the show. Looking like he knows good and well what’s coming, Harrison primes the engine by getting Marissa and Madison to comment on the tension in the house. We see the claws come out, Melissa and Raichel argue, Madison’s fangs, and Michelle’s Lady Macbeth-esque scheming and plotting, and cut back to Harrison who pauses momentarily before kick starting the bit*h-cycle.

Sarah projects her guilt stemming from lying about her age onto Michelle as Stacey the Bahtenda and Marissa pile on. Michelle starts softly with the “dry sense of humor” defense but is quickly outgunned by the strategically located Jackie who, despite making a relatively good impression this season, proceeds to take off the gloves and pick up some brass knuckles and go after Michelle.

Reeling from the immediate onslaught, Michelle ditches the “dry sense of humor” defense and moves immediately to the “I’m mean because I feel guilty about leaving my daughter” defense. I was glad to know that the little girl survived. It’s a darn good thing Michelle didn’t make it any further down the line. I’m certain that the orthodontist can fix the damage to her daughter’s teeth sustained after chewing through her ropes.

Harrison sits there like Helen Keller fending off “help me, Chris” glances from a panicking Michelle. Ashley H. puts her new bangs to use by hurling them in front of Jackie and Stacey and sticking up for Michelle. Madison attempts to find middle ground with the “at least you were up front about being a bit*h” argument. That was painful to watch. I’ll give you my thoughts on Michelle later.

First, Harrison realizes that the show has careened horribly off track. He heads into commercial break so that Melissa and Raichel can be reminded that they hate each other. After all, Michelle is the big finale before Womack shows up and there’s no reason for the in-fighting to peak early. God, I hate this show. Lone Star number five.

Back from break and with everyone on task, Harrison invited Melissa down to take her medicine. She and Raichel agree to disagree about who started what and how it all went down as Jackie warms up by jumping into the fray. “Keep your underbite closed,” I said as I wondered how much chardonnay Jackie had in the green room before the taping. The entire argument was tired and unnecessary; however, Harrison felt content to let it unfold.

After more back and forth than a Maury Povich Who’s My Baby Daddy show, the sweet Ashley S. hits the nail directly—and I mean directly—on the head by saying that “there is nothing more unattractive” than this kind of back biting. As if it were handed down from Mt. Sinai—or whatever the southern version of Mt. Sinai is---Ashley S. says in her unassuming accent, “the bottom line is, do not act like that in front of a guy.” Brilliant. I smiled and resolved not to make fun of the preponderance of blush on Ashley S.’s sweet, southern cheeks. In light of that comment I would ignore the fact that she looked like she’d just killed her first fox. (Look it up if you don’t get that one. It’s funny).

We cut to commercial with the promise that Michelle will soon be derided for her behavior and attacked by women with no children about her qualifications as a mother. Frankly, I would have rather been watching Charlie Sheen. Perhaps those two could date. Just a thought.

Alright, I’ve resolved to limit the entire Michelle segment to three paragraphs. We all know that Jackie and Stacey piled on in a big way with Lisa, Britt, and Ashley H. coming to Michelle’s defense. Harrison also came to her defense in several ways. He treated her with kid gloves, fended off attacks from Jackie and Stacey, called Jackie out on her bulls*it, went to break when he could, and rehabilitated her after the break. Clearly, Harrison likes Michelle. I think that speaks to the big picture and not what we all saw on screen. Michelle’s a pain in the ass, but I don’t think she’s a horrible person. Granted, she deserved to answer for her aggressive conduct, but she didn’t deserve a scarlet letter “A” on her chest.

Regardless of where you come down on Michelle, that entire segment was way overdone. I don’t believe she was acting and I believe she was upset at the backlash she suffered on the show and knew she would have to suffer after the show. Her chickens came home to roost. I’m certain Wes Hayden can speak to that issue.

Michelle was volatile from the beginning and made the classic mistake of thinking she was smarter than both the women and the people who run the show. Perhaps she was right about the former, but certainly not the latter. I thought it was interesting to compare Harrison’s treatment of Roz Papa to his treatment of Michelle. Arguably, he had an axe to grind with both, but chose to come out in support of Michelle.

I thought Stacey was incredibly cruel when it came to the comments about Michelle’s daughter and I thought Jackie was inappropriate as well. When Stacey has a daughter she can call Michelle and tell her how to raise hers. Until then, she should keep her abrasive, East Coast mouth shut. She unnecessarily piled on after Michelle was clearly upset and that was unfair in that context. Michelle was not on trial. She was a misguided reality contestant who made her own bed. She’ll have enough trouble lying in it without hearing about it incessantly from a Boston hag like Stacey. Harrison handed it to Jackie as well. Segment over. Thank God. Lone Star number 6.

I was perhaps more thankful than Michelle that her segment was over. We head back after a break to a close up of her and realize that she’s taken the time to fix her make up. Glad it’s Ashley S.’s turn to revisit her dumping, Michelle tries her best to blend into the group as we watch the recap of poor Ashley S. getting dumped and crying uncontrollably in the limo while doubting her future.

A collective “awwww” comes from the crowd as Ashley tells us in a shaky southern accent that her past relationships have “awl weent downheeel” after a great start. Harrison props her up and probably recommends three complimentary sessions with Dr. Jamie before she returns to South Carolina. She’s a sweet person and I’m certain if she gains a bit of confidence she’ll do just fine. Regardless, I still popped Lone Star number 7. After all, a day without a buzz is a day that never was.

At this point, I have to admit that I was more fed up than a bulimic before a post-binge purge. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to gloss over the remaining segments—Brad , South African Pre-school, and Ashley H.—in my usual manner. However, I’m going to abbreviate them and then concentrate on our two remaining women.

Ashley H. shows off her new bangs, excessive tanning cream, and bright lipstick as she relives the horror of her progressive meltdown while assuring us she’s got it all back together just in time to be asked to be the next Bachelorette. The Producers will have to see how her new bangs and hair color work on the test audience and compare those results with Gia’s in order to see who gets the free trip around the world with 25 schmucks vying for her heart. My vote is for Gia. She’s hotter, dirtier, and dumber. That makes for good blogging.

Harrison and Brad head to some South African school for a 30 second The Bachelor Gives Back segment. Harrison schools the orphans at soccer while Brad plays patty cake in the playground. The show’s big contribution to the dirt poor South African orphanage? Hot water. That’s right. They gave a bunch of orphans who live in the desert hot water. Stay tuned next season when Brad and Harrison will travel to an Alaskan orphanage to give the Eskimo children some ice then travel to an Oklahoma Indian reservation with a case of fire water. Give me a break. Hot water? Brad could have at least had the courtesy of bringing over a case of Axe Body Spray. I’m sure he has extra.

Brad emerges looking very double Windsor knotted and anxious to get the interview over with so he can go hat shopping. Brad gives Harrison some sort of macho fraternity handshake and proceeds to call him “buddy” while simultaneously letting everyone know what “incredible women” they are. He makes nice with Ashley and her new bangs and goes to bat for Michelle. B.O.R.I.N.G.

We cut next to the two remaining women: Chantal and Emily. Chantal goes first as we again relive the fake slap she delivered to Brad when she was still thin. We see a montage of Chantal’s erratic behavior and unprecedented season long weight gain as Brad’s voice over showers her with compliments.

I half expected a shot of Chantal’s father sitting forlornly in his giant man room next to his homoerotic statue collection sipping a glass of wine as a tear gently made its way down his surgically taut cheek while he thought about what could be if only Brad would pick Chantal. Oh, the joy. Then Brad and Chantal could move back to Seattle where he and Brad would work side by side in one of his many car dealerships. After all, I’m certain Chantal’s father has plenty of openings he’d like Brad to fill. (Yes, I did again).

We next move to the perfection named Emily and relive Brad’s boyish fascination with her and her Southern charm. Thankfully, we get multiple shots of her shorts as we see Brad’s throbbing arms hugging her tightly on their South African adventure. Brad’s arms weren’t the only thing that was throbbing. Obviously, his heart was too.

Nostalgic—and on Lone Star number 8 which may have contributed to the aforementioned nostalgia—I reflected upon the season and gave some thought to Brad’s final choice. Oh, who are we kidding? He picks Emily. We all know it and if we don’t were wrong.

I can’t blame the guy for picking her, but I can’t help but feel like she’s too good for him. When I say “too good” I don’t mean in the sense that Emily is a better person than Brad. I mean it in the sense that watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching a monkey play with an iPad . . . a really hot iPad in tight white shorts. Sure, it’s entertaining, but I know I could do a better job. Hell, I’m so good in bed that the neighbors smoke after I’m done.

I’ll tell you what. Let’s have another contest this week. With last week’s haiku prizes in the mail, I need another excuse to dispose of my empty Lone Star six pack holders. Send me your best “Watching Brad make out with Emily is like . . .” metaphor and I’ll pick a winner before our big finale next week. I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

Well, there you have it. With the Amazing Count at 127 and the Journey Count at 24 we head into next week for the Big Finale and the After the Final Rose Episode. As is my custom, I’ll post about the final outcome on Tuesday and then I’ll post my ATFR break down on Thursday. Please send in your metaphors along with any suggestions for off season posts. There are a few months between Bachelor Pad 2 and the next season. I plan to fill them with plenty of material. Until next time, take care of yourselves and enjoy your Fat Tuesday. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be dying my hair and working on getting bangs. DP


  1. Last night's episode was SO boring. But I watched it all just so that I could be prepared for your blog today! I hope the next season will be different...they need to get a fun bachelor/bachelorette on there! Brad is just so...dull.
    Thanks for doing your recaps every week! I really enjoy them! I mean that. Truly. I really do. Thank you. So much. =)
    Kristan from Ohio

  2. "I’m certain that the orthodontist can fix the damage to her daughter’s teeth sustained after chewing through her ropes." LOL
    "(Shawntel) had the good sense to keep her mouth shut. Everyone likes her. There was no need for her to ruin that." I like your insight here, I wanted to hear her speak but you are right, she had nothing to gain.
    Clare 2

  3. Watching Brad make out with Emily is like having your eyes massaged with sandpaper.

  4. Excellent work, DP !!!!!!!!!

    Let me begin my post by saying that I was extremely impressed with Brad's confidence and composure. Several times in my life I have encountered women that I have dated and later ended the relationship with. Each occasion was much like the time before. My initial thought and frequent reaction was to bolt for the nearest exit or lose myself in the crowd and avoid an awkward situation all together. I can't imagine being faced with more than a dozen of those women at the same time. With that said, Mr. Womak handled himself well and I, for one, took note and marveled at his ability to control a stage filled with emotional women. With said, I'm going to try and keep my emotions in check while I address the two women of last nights episode that behaved like pigs and exposed themselves for the insecure and jealous women that I already believed them to be. I'm speaking of Jackie and Stacey. The two girls that never could summon the courage to even speak to Michelle during the season apparently found strength in numbers. Both of the twin trolls reminded me of the two little frat guys at a party who would never fathom approaching one of the campus tough guys on their own, but instead wait until a unique opportunity presents itself to unleash their fury. When one of the big men on campus is alone and the smaller frat boys have rallied the full support of several other brothers of small stature, they seize the rare opportunity and confront the root of their insecurities and the symbol of their fear and envy. Jackie and Stacey were hardly able to complete a sentence without darting their eyes at the other scorned women in search of some nod of approval or gesture of reassurance from another female in the support group. I find them pathetic and weak. When Stacey made the comment about what kind of mother she will be...to quote, "When I'm a mother and I have kids" - I found myself wishing that I could have been Harrison for just five minutes. As the show's host, I would have kindly asked Michelle to stand up, gently pulled her chair back and launched it at Stacey's head. I love it when people who have no kids choose to enlighten us, look into the imaginary future using their crystal ball "when they have kids" and give advise on how to raise children or lecture moms on the finer points of good parenting. Kudos to Britt, Ashley H., Lisa M. and Madison for rushing to Michelle's aid. I would put a lot more stock in the opinions of those four ladies than that of the other two trolls. I found it typical and humorous that both Jackie and Stacey had very little to say about Michelle once other members of the cast took Michelle's back. Even Harrison managed to take a shot at Jackie....way to go big guy!

  5. I would like to apologize on behalf of all New England girls for that catty beeyotchiness represented last night. We're definitely a sarcastic bunch but not all of us are humorless mean girls who don't have the good sense to realize that it is a freaking reality tv show, not the G8 summit. Relax. I mean seriously, how did Michelle's behavior really affect these women long term. Michelle is the one who is going to have to live down the persona that was presented...and the mothering digs were so uncalled for. The reality is those women ended up looking much worse than Michelle ever could.

  6. Oh my hilariousness! I laughed at so many things I don't know if I can just pick a few.
    The Precious stuff, the usual anatomy jokes that were heightened with each Lone Star, surgically taut cheeks (still laughing at the mental picture),the huge run-on sentence about Wes and Vienna (that whole topic was well done), the line up descriptions. Thank you for subjecting yourself to an episode of which I am sure we all lost a few brain cells.

  7. Watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching a blind kid color inside the lines.

    Great post DP! I am still a little dissapointed that ALL of the ladies seem to be living in "Brad is the perfect man" land. They had more beef with each other then the man that they were there for. I have a feeling half of them are hoping he pulls a Meznick.

    Michelle still drives me crazy and i'm not sure she was 100% sincere last night, but at least she owned up to the outcome of their relationship. I like Ashley H a little more last night, but she is just too much of a woo girl for her to be the next bachelorette. I wish they would pick someone new for once and not an old face...

    Lastly.. I am glad they showed the bloobers. I think it showed a really fun side to Brad.


  8. Some strong comments on Michelle in this section as well as in my email box. I'm happy it's all over but the crying. And by crying, I'm referring to myself when Brad picks Emily. DP

  9. Ashley definitely got banged but the question is, did she got Madabanged for Madabucks?


  10. "Hell, I’m so good in bed that the neighbors smoke after I’m done." - LOVE IT! Best quote of the blog this week!

    Thanks for sacrificing your evening to make our Tuesday so much fun. You're the best, DP!

    ~ Lisa

  11. My favs:
    Chantal looking like Precious.

    Beer rolling it’s eyes.

    and also:

    Watching Brad make out with Emily is like . . .
    watching a PBR trying to satisfy a Lone Star Lover!


  12. Please help me remember...didn't past "women tell all" episodes include a period of time where the disposed women get to grill the bachelor with questions and beg for explanations as to the why they were canned?
    If so, why was this left out last night?

    I like Ashley H.'s bangs, but hated her tan skin. And I don't want her to be the next Bachelorette. Blah. Gia would be a much better, er-interesting, choice!

  13. So... are we doing metaphors? Seems to me your example is a simile..

  14. anon, all similies are, in fact, metaphors but all metaphors are not similies. The presence of "like" or "as" makes a comparison a simile but it does not preclude that comparison from being a metaphor. Enter the contest! DP

  15. Ashleys bangs were directly from you, did not like her makeup!Glitter eye shadow and hot pink lipstick, is she four? Please do not choose her BORING!!!! I also vote for someone new not a pre-season kickoff, get a girl or guy with real personality, real job, and someone people would really fight over. I think Brad is okay, you know if you marry him you will never eat a cheeseburger or donut again. And that is why I think he picks Emily, not only can he not believe his luck that a beautiful sweet woman actually likes him back, but she is thin and stayed that way! I'm sure Chantels growing mid section scared the bejeezus out of him! And Michelle, just own your catty behavior, sorry for hurt feelings and move on!! Exhausting watching everyone cry!! And I blame Harrison for letting that whole scene hijack the show, he should have managed it, let a few comments and move on but they needed the drama. No one should judge another as a mother, that had no place in the show, low blow and misguided. Now your jokes are funny, comedy always has a hall pass. Thanks for sticking it out for all your loyal fans, we love you making our reality tv a little more worthwhile:)

  16. watching brad make out with emily is like watching cal naughton jr. make out with carley bobby

  17. Watching Brad making out with Emily would be like having to what Roz make out with Harrison. I think Chamillionaire said it best, "Get on my level" Roz (and Brad).

    Also, watching Jackie self-destruct was disappointing. It was almost as disappointing as watching Jeff cheat on Kelly Kapowski at the Attic.

    For me, this was your best effort yet. I love reading, DP.

  18. Watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching Helen Keller attempt an obstacle course. (Yes, I did)

    Meredith...LOVE the Saved by the Bell reference! I'm cracking up!

  19. As a woman, watching Brad kiss Emily does not do much to (or for) me. But for Some Guy, watching Brad kiss Emily is like viewing an episode of the Bachelor sans alcohol -- pure torture. I think you may need to break out the hard stuff next week to make it through what is shaping up to be a proposal/engagement.

    On another topic, your title for today's post is hilarious, though I must say I'm not a fan of "Ash's" new look. Someone of small stature with a squeaky voice should avoid sporting more hair than clothing, for fear of reminding people of Cousin It.

  20. Jessica! No you DI-NT. You are so going to win.

    But will you win the dance off at the Maxx? Not with Lisa and Screech's "The Sprain". Okay enough of Bayside High.


  21. The episode was entirely boring! And I couldn't stand to listen to the girls go on and on about nothing! But your recap was excellent! Great work!!!
    PS...Sorry about Emily, but I think you have a very good chance of picking up the pieces after Brad...especially with the rumors about those smoking neighbors...

  22. Watching Brad kiss Emily is like...packing a brand new set of shiny beautiful bearings with grease. Sure, it works but can I just clean them off and junk the machine? No, she'll never be the same again.

    BTW, did anyone notice Ashley's H's hunchback? Or is it a 2nd forehead growing on her back?

  23. Great post, I get more from your writing then watching. (I was so glad you did on your comments) And yes to an earlier comment - I thought the women would be asking Brad "closure" type questions. Back to DP, what was the Lone Star count for this one?

    Have to think about off season post topics... How about best Texan experience (gun show/rodeo/etc.) for those who don't live here?

    -Post It Girl

  24. A couple of corrections/additions to my earlier comment before I get slapped by the language police:

    1. My entry should read: For Some Guy, watching Brad make out with Emily is like viewing an episode of The Bachelor sans alcohol -- pure torture.

    2. Cousin Itt is spelled with double ts. And I forgot to mention that I think Brad would make a great Lurch.

    3. How about some movie reviews during the Bachelor hiatus? You seem to be a film buff and have a ready-made rating system: 0 - 6 (Lone) Stars.

    4. Where are some of the usual commenters/contestants this week? Among others MIA... Ben, Book, Clare, MH, and the inimitable Derek!

  25. The run-on sentence was pretty fabulous.
    "Career-less Musicians--- 1
    Fake Pilots-- 0"

    Watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching a 13-year-old boy make out with Mary Kay Letourneau. He has no idea what he's doing but it's obviously working for her.

  26. THANKS FOR THE SHOUT OUT!!!! I still have the First Impression Cap in my purse- hasn't even made it to the junk drawer yet. (but I'll probably clean out that purse come summer and think, oh yeah, that was fun) AWESOME recap AGAIN. Favorite part: Precious (oh yes you did!) I honestly thought Chan and Brad seem more lovey-dovey and comfortable together, but yeah, I bet he picks Emily. I agree Emily could do better. -Jordan

  27. Watching Brad make out with Emily is like...

    Monkey with Football
    Never will he thank enough
    Sad, It truly is.

    Hope that haiku is structured right.

  28. We all know that Brad chooses Chantal. He SHOULD choose Emily, of course, but thankfully, for her sake, he doesn't. Brad needs that reassurance from a woman early and often and that's not Emily.

    So for me, watching Brad kiss Emily is like, totally awesome, because it makes me feel good to know that when he watches his DVD copy of this season a year from now, he'll truly, I mean it, I really do, realize how stupid he is for choosing Chantal.

  29. It's nice to be missed, DP2. Thanks for the shout out, sweetie.

    Watching Brad kiss Emily is like having to watch straight men dance.


  30. ABC owes you some money DP, there's no way I would've watched the show this week if I didn't have this blog to look forward to! I wanted to reach through my TV and slap whoozeywhatsit who has no kids for going off on Michelle about her mothering. And I don't like Michelle! (orthodontist will be able to fix her teeth. hilarious!)
    Also love the smoking neighbors, the throbbing, uh, heart and the whole wes-gia-vienna-jake-put-that-in-your-jet-engine sequence. that was gold!
    Hmmm, my haikus sucked, and after watching Rutgers beat Seton Hall in the Big East tourney i'm feeling sad and uncreative, but what the hell: Watching Brad make out with Emily is like seeing a kid with his brand new learner's permit driving a DeLorean onto the freeway at rush hour. You know he doesn't belong there, and you really don't want to see what inevitably is going to happen.
    Thanks for the pick-me-up! Needed it after my team's unstunning season ender. Looking forward to double posts next week!

  31. Oh ... and I still don't understand the "killed her first fox" thing. googled unsuccessfully. sigh.

  32. Ohhh Some Guy....thanks to the precious/Chantal/Precious part, the Career-less Musicians--- 1/Fake Pilots-- 0, the “Come One and All and Witness the Girl with the World’s Largest Forehead" and SO many more laugh-out-loud moments, I think I can skip my ab work-out today! Wait, who am I kidding, my white shorts should be arriving via Fed Ex any second now!

    Not much time to think about the contest....but the thing that instantly comes to mind is this:
    Watching Brad make out with Emily is like watching an episode of 'Two and 1/2 Men' while sitting next to Emilio Estevez!

    DP2~ thanks for including me in the shout out!


  33. oh I can help there Clare ... when you kill your fist fox they rub the blood of said ex-fox on your face ... it's a ritual thing - first blood. ashley looked like some kind of terrible makeover gone wrong - huge odd coloured hair, terrible lipstick shoice and teeth by clorox .... she also looks better in a bigger dress in my opinion ...

    I've struggled with a good metaphor simile thing this week. Watching Emily make out with Brad is like ordering a salad at a steakhouse ... you'll live but somehow you know life could be oh so much better.

    Ben (nice to be missed)

  34. incidentally I actually looked for Lone Star beer this week as the keg in my kegerator went out saturday (yuengling - America's oldest brewery) and I haven't had time to replace it ... I guess they don't export to the beautiful northeast


  35. Clare~ I'm assuming it means the hunters smear the fox's blood on their faces....since he referenced the amount of blush on Ashley's cheeks.

    ~book again

  36. Now we've got some regulars in the mix. What the hell have you all been doing since Tuesday, working or something? Ben, than you for clarifying the "blooding" reference and you are correct. My point (although apparently lost on my audience) was that Ashley S. had way too much rouge on her southern little cheeks.

    Also, I'm strongly considering ending the metaphor contest and just awarding the prize to Gay Derek from Miami. Solid metaphor, big guy. Give yourself a slap and tickle for me, would you? DP

  37. I agree with Clare....Some Guy's reference to "the smoking neighbors" used to describe his skills in the bedroom is one that I will never forget.

    Loved your metaphor, Derek. I could probably be the posterchild for your comparison...LOL.

    Here's mine, DP:
    Watching Brad kiss Emily is like me having to look at the "Cuban Missle Crissis" picture sent in by Derek everytime I log on to Some Guy's blog - It looks like they are having fun, but its not something I care to see on a daily basis.

    Just havin fun, Derek. Hopefully you, me and the boys are still cool. I would not change anything about your posts or your pics :)


  38. OMG...hey DP! How bout I give myself a slap and give you a tickle? I almost forot....there is probably one flaw in my metaphor. The exception to the rule would be if you were the straight man dancing. Boy..would that not be a sight for sore eyes girls? Like I always say - "A boy can dream, can't he?".

  39. No offense taken, MH. Don't worry. If you look at it enough time it starts to grow on you.
    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys

  40. Oh I got the reference but I admit I was concerned about how widely it would be known. I also agree that Derek just owned the entire contest for this week. Move along folks, nothing to see here.


  41. Hey DP - when are you going to have a meet and greet in South Beach? Me and the boys hang out at Twist on Washington Ave. and Score at 727 Lincoln. If you're worried, Sunday nights are called the "Panty Raid" and its kind of a girls night. Me and the boys know some really cute girls that would probably love you. Just make sure you save a dance for me. - Derek

  42. eeeyew, sorry I asked! Don't think I'll be doing any fox hunting anytime soon!

    Derek, you're a trip! (and yup, his metaphor was tops, though I must say the Mary Kay LeTourneau one was spot on!)
    Twist and Score? Love it!

  43. Watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching a Charlie Sheen interview...you can't believe what you're seeing...

  44. Thank you, Clare. You are a total sweetheart!

  45. Wow great recap, this show has been just plain boring, not much material but you made it all worthwhile. Thanks:)

    -Watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching a bull rider his first time at the rodeo-

    Dude said it best himself he's got zero game!

  46. watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching Charlie Sheen's meltdown...it'd be entertaining if you knew there wasn't a child suffering in the process...

    this recap is the bombdiggity!

    rock on SGIA!

  47. Hey SGIA and blondiejs - Don't worry about Brad...don't you guys know that he has tiger blood and Adonis DNA? ;)

  48. Twist and Score, huh? I'll strongly consider a South Beach trip but my real job doesn't take me to Florida much. I agree that the event would have to take place during "Panty Raid" as being the only straight man in that bar would be like being the only glass of water in a desert. Of course, I'll save a dance for you, Derek. Are we talking fast dance or Fonzie dance?

    Oh, and as for my "smoking neighbors" joke, I'm certain that my overinflated ego contributed to that punchline. As Derek says, "a boy can dream, can't he?" DP

  49. DP, great post as usual! Favorite part...neighbors smoking next door! WOW! way too much infomration there buddy, but funny as always!

    Watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching the High School Cheerleader taking advantage of a freshman. You know she has a plan and all he can think about is what he will be doing in his bedroom all alone that night.

    See you next week, when you get your heart broken! Kim in Nevada

  50. One more I thought of...

    Watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching a 7 year old boy see Cinderella at Disneyland for the first time. He knows she is way out of his league but he enjoys the moment of imagining she could be his future wife.
    Kim in Nevada

  51. Hey there Some Guy - Love the glass of water in the desert metaphor! My Brazilian girlfriends would make the "Panty Raid" a night to remember. By the way, Fronzie dance, of course.

    and yes.....a boy can always dream.


  52. ............for a straight woman is like reading Some Guy and Lincee's blogs...you can't decide who you like better.

  53. Congrats on a great week, Derek... a winning metaphor and a possible date with Some Guy! You can ask him, but I suspect chances of a Miami visit will increase if: a) the girls at the Panty Raid will be more interested in DP than each other, or b) you can rock a long, blond wig and some very short white shorts.

    I am STILL laughing about the neighbors smoking (how many of us will be stealing that line?) and am a fan of the double entendres, which is why Some Guy gets my vote over Lindsay, whose blog I also enjoy. But with two posts to go this season, I sure hope DP hasn't prematurely peaked :)

  54. Okay Some Guy, loved the visual of a monkey playing on his Ipad with white shorts but even better is imagining you squirming every time he kisses her. The best part is she'll be moving to Austin and you'll get to see it in person at some of the places you hang out in on a frequent basis. You'll also get to watch the train wreck of their break up which could very well happen due to Brad's insecurities, jealousies and narcissistic tendencies. You can be the guy who consoles her with your riveting sense of humour and bad taste in beer. I think you should pretend you're gay, Derek can give you pointers and than Brad won't be threatened by you.

    I actually felt bad for Ashley that she had to grow bangs because you made fun of her so much. The poor girl can't change her forehead. She deserves to be the new Bachelorette because you made fun of her so much. Ashley don't take Some Guy to heart if you are reading this. There is nothing wrong with your forehead. You are a pretty girl, own it.

  55. LOL...DP2 - blonde wig and white short for sure!!! ;)

    Lyndie22 - I would be eager to show Some Guy the ropes. I'll have him doing a sashay down the runway in a South Beach minute.


  56. Wow...Chris Harrison warns of the "Bachelor Nation"--I still haven't recovered from being part of the Rhythm Nation!

    DP this recap was a work of art. The Precious reference and Ashley's fox hunt cheeks made this review well worth the price of admission.

    My metaphor:

    Watching Brad kiss Emily is like watching the Old Navy mannequins going at it--oddly life-like.

    BTdubs...going back to the Michelle's black eye episode(they just showed the clip in the women tell all show), did anyone else think Michelle said, "I just woke up with a black guy?" Now that got my attention!

  57. Watching Brad with Emily is like watching Extreme Home Makeover. I'm happy for everyone involved but damn, I wish it were me.

    I felt bad for Michelle. I think she got wrapped up in the show and the producers' prodding brought out the worst in her. She got carried away. Too bad. She could have taken some much stronger shots at Jackie and Stacy but didn't. Good for her.

  58. Some tips...:
    Don't write to much, people don't like to read.
    stupid topics like this, people like them a lot.
    I'm no one to criticize, but this is my opinion... the bachelor...

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