Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bachelor Recap Episode 8: Get Down to the Home Town

Hello, Readers. Happy President’s Day and welcome to Episode 8 of our favorite show. We’re at that point in the season where redundancies rule the day and the Brad has really begun to wear on our nerves. Brad has literally “thank you’d” and “please, do’d” every person from Los Angeles to Anguilla and back again and now we’re ready for him to sweat profusely through his tailored suit in the middle of a rose garden in an exotic locale and pick the potential Mrs. Stephen Bradley Womack Pikelsimer. Yes, it’s time for Brad to visit the home towns of the four remaining women in order to eliminate the one he doesn’t feel like sleeping with in the Fantasy Suite next week.

Before we begin, this week’s shout out goes to Jenna in Denver who unknowingly brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my heart by sending me a message saying that she laughed hysterically at last week’s blog. That’s not unusual for Jenna who, like Big Ben or Old Faithful, religiously sends me a timely email with her favorite lines along with a nice message wishing me well. What is different about this week is that her father is extremely ill and she took the time to leave his bedside in order to read and email me. I doubt I have much pull with the Big Guy anymore, Jenna, but you and your family will be in my prayers. For those of you who believe in that sort of thing, please pray for Jenna and her family. For those of you who don’t, humor me and pray anyway. With that said, let’s get to it.

THE SETUP

We begin, oddly enough, in New York City where we see Brad packing his suitcase and brooding about the possibility of visiting the home towns of “these women.” Of course, we’re expected to believe that this sequence was filmed prior to him leaving for the first of the four visits across country before subsequently returning to New York along with each of the remaining four in order to pow wow with Harrison in the Lair of Seclusion prior to the rose ceremony. Whatever.

Brad wanders aimlessly around his hotel balcony dressed like a character from a Guy Ritchie movie contemplatively reliving his initial meetings and zip line dates with each of the women. We see them all exit the limousine ready to embark on their quest to find one thing interesting about Brad besides his looks.

By the way, what was up with that hat? Did he borrow that from the limo driver? Was he planning on standing on a New York street corner and shouting “Extra! Extra!” at the top of his lungs as men in fedoras stoically passed by, grabbed a newspaper from one hand, and placed two bits in the other? Was he planning on playing tenor sax at a jazz bar later in the evening? Or was he going to deal blackjack in the back of the local speakeasy? Did he have a slapstick act on Vaudeville? Did he have a Mickey Rooney dress alike contest to attend? Was he headed to a Little Rascals Reunion Party? Alright, I’m out but feel free to think of your own stupid hat joke and comment on it.

Somewhere around mid-brood, we cut to shots of the four finalists as Brad gives us one pro and one con for each of them. Chantal appears from the limo 36 days and 12 pounds ago and we’re reminded of the contrived slap she delivered on cue. Brad tells us she’s “emotional” and he can’t deal with the roller coaster that is Chantal. He hopes that she’ll feel more at home in her parents’ modest little bungalow on the edge of town. He fails to realize that the reason their house sits on the edge of town is because their driveway takes up most of the town. More about that later.

Look, I’m not going to pick on Chantal’s obvious weight gain. I’m sure she’s a naturally curvier woman and as I’ve said before, I found her attractive all season. I don’t go for waifs or whatever the PC term for an undiagnosed bulimic is these days. There’s nothing wrong with a woman with a little meat on her bones provided that the aforementioned meat is in the right places.

However, I’m certain that, like Ali before her, Chantal starved herself about 6 weeks prior to going on the show in order to look her best. That plan ended up backfiring because she got too far below her natural weight. Throw in a month worth of free food and booze (remember, she drinks beer) along with several emotional breakdowns that undoubtedly lead to a frantic search for comfort food at the mansion and boom, she put on more than she lost. Chalk that up in the “What’s Wrong with Reality Shows” column.

We next see happy, energetic, outgoing, and Tenley-esque Ashley and her Fivehead. Brad essentially says the same thing about her that he does Chantal—a theme that, much to my chagrin, will manifest itself regularly over the next couple of hours. In fact, let me just wrap up the entire segment with the following:

“I like (insert name of giggly woman currently exiting limo on screen) a lot. I really do. I’m SO excited to go and visit (insert name of woman currently engaging in an adventure date on screen)’s home town. I really am. I mean that. No doubt about it. The first time I saw (insert name of woman currently making out with Brad on screen) I was blown (insert two second pause) away. I really was. I’m a little concerned though about (insert name of woman currently crying on screen)’s behavior. We started off so strong and we’ve had some challenges. We really have. I mean that. I really do. I cannot wait to meet these families. I really can’t. Please do. Thank you. I mean that. Do you mind? I don’t. Truly. I don’t. Thank you. Truly.”

Plus or minus a comment about Emily’s daughter, you get the picture. Set up complete, Brad checks the weather in Seattle in hopes that it will be cold enough there for him to wear his brand new oatmeal-colored, fingerless gloves. He fights through the disappointment of higher temperatures and settles for a vest and some safety layers before boarding the plane and heading to meet Chantal O’s family.

CHANTAL IN SEATTLE

We head West to Seattle as we see Chantal O. clad in slimming black and a 30 foot ubiquitous scarf wandering aimlessly amongst the water in the shadow of that weird Jetsons-looking building. She characterizes herself as a “total relationship person.” Translation: I can’t be alone. She sets up another of the evening’s themes by telling us—ironically, I might add—that this week is “huge” and that she’s ready to get to the “next level.”

As Brad duck walks through the park (WOMACK!) searching for Chantal O and her scarf, Chantal tells us that her parents are “great judges of character.” Translation: they judge everyone and then tell me what to do. I’m crippled without them and I won’t go against what my rich, latently homosexual father and my trying to appear younger than me mother say.

Brad eventually recognizes Chantal O.’s scarf and they hug after closing the standard 200 yard Bachelor drop off distance across a field. It was at this point that I found myself greatly missing Jillian’s run, jump, and leg wrap greeting. I popped the cap off of my first Lone Star beer and settled in for the big visit.

By the way, why didn’t we drop in on Jason and Molly to see how they were doing? I’m sure Harrison sent over a smoked ham or a fruit cake or something festive while the crew was in town. At any rate, Chantal O. tells us about her two cats and one dog saying that they are part of the Chantal O. package.

Cats? Why do women like cats? They are self-centered, lazy, and untrainable. They stink up the house and ruin every piece of furniture they inhabit. They are indifferent to their surroundings unless they need something at which point they pounce on the person they know can get it for them. In other words, cats possess every quality that women go to wine bars with their friends and complain about in their men. Odd how that works, isn’t it? I need to grow some fur and get an attitude. I’d kill with chicks like Chantal O.

Brad and Chantal share the most awkward and scripted conversation of the season before heading to her place—4 blocks from the watchful eyes of mom and dad. We meet Bailey and Jinxy, the cats, and Boca, her dog who wears t-shirts. Good Lord. I would have high tailed it out of there the second I saw the t-shirt on the dog. Brad pretends to like cats and feigns amusement at her tiny dog as it does its best Womack impression by going shirtless and groping Chantal O. Apparently, Boca didn’t have time to shave his chest. His impression was appreciated, but I found him to be too animated.

After another round of agonizing fake conversation, we head to Chantal O.’s parents’ house. Apparently, her family is so rich they literally purchased Tuscany and had it flown over to Seattle after kicking out all of the Italians and building a house bigger than Dallas on top of it. For crying out loud that place was huge.

If Jake was still the Bachelor he could have stored his cargo plane in their living room while he pursued his acting and dancing career in L.A. after Chantal’s parents opened those hangar doors. It’s good to know that no matter how much weight she gains, Chantal will still be able to fit through those doors.

Chantal knocks on the door and she and Brad wait for Lurch to come and answer. They enter and we meet her mother, Billie Jo O. (who also sports a man’s Rolex); her father, Michael O.; and her brother, Conner O. Mr. O, who looks a good deal like Donny Osmond and dresses exactly like Brad, gives Brad a cursory tour of the first couple acres of interior space and we soon see that the only thing that’s had more work done on it than the living room is Billie Jo O’s face.

The family begins to suck down wine like a Dyson DC31. Dad drinks and mom tries not to pop a stitch as she laughs politely at the slap in the face story. Buzzing and uninhibited, Dad invites Brad for some alone time but firsts insists on taking him to every corner of the manor in order to extract the week’s taxes from the serfs toiling away on his land. It’s been said that a man's home is his wife's castle, but in this case I think Dad did all the decorating.

In an odd twist, Mr. O. takes Brad into some mysterious room in the mansion and shows him a homoerotic nude statue of a guy carving himself out of a rock. “He’s a self-made man, like us, Brad.” I was waiting for him to drop an “I’m miserable and in the closet, Brad. Please save me from this thankless life I live.” Instead, Brad bonds heavily with Mr. O. to the point where I thought Dad might attempt to cut out Chantal altogether and keep Brad for himself. At the very least, I expected him to ask Brad to disrobe so he could measure him for a statue. I half expected him to unlock a giant chest and bring out the Gimp. That whole exchange was strange.

Dad continues to suck down wine in anticipation of being asked by Brad to retire to the Fantasy Suite. Brad recognizes the “simularities” between himself and dad. Dad actually drops the “where do you see yourself at 45” question. I expected Brad to say something like,

“I want to own many purple shirts just like you. I really do. Truly. I see myself married to Chantal and inviting you and Mrs. O. to our place in Austin where I’d be able to share my own collection of overtly gay art with you after I—much like your plastic surgery loving wife—accepted your latent homosexuality as the cost of admission for enjoying the fruits of your labor, sir. Thank you for asking. I mean that. I really do. Truly.”

Brad departs after winning over the family and getting a feeling-concealing, macho handshake from Mr. O. Mission accomplished. They honestly seemed like nice people. Clearly, her father liked Brad. I picked her to win early because I figured on that connection with her father, but I’m not certain now that the money and the unspoken gay bond with dad will be enough to overcome the emotional wake she’s been leaving behind her for weeks now. Also, that hangar of a living room is a hell of a big space to fill. Brad will have a tough time replacing daddy’s money and if any of you don’t think that will cross his mind then you’re wrong. Spoiled girls are impossible to please and most men know that. I’m certain that even Brad has learned that lesson.

ASHLEY IN MADAWASKA, MAINE

We head next to Madawaska, Maine, the most Northeast city in the United States. We see and excited Ashley wandering aimlessly within 200 yards of the drop off point as she proudly tells us about her small town of less than 4,500 people. Brad arrives in his black leather jacket and fingerless gloves and gives Ashley a big fat hug.

Fingerless gloves? First the hat and now the fingerless gloves? I was waiting for him to excuse himself so he could drink a few raw eggs before jogging to meet Burt Young in the freezer of a butcher shop to punch sides of beef before running to the steps of the capitol in preparation for his title bout with Apollo Creed. He looked like he was going to enforce a picket line for the stevedores union on the waterfront. He coulda been a contender. He coulda been somebody, instead of a douche, which is what he is. How’s that for a Stallone and Brando reference in the same paragraph?

Please enjoy my Haiku to Brad’s Gloves.

A Pair of New Gloves
Fingerless they are indeed
What a Freaking Douche

By the way, let’s make that a contest this week. Please post your favorite haiku about Brad in my comment section or on my Guy in Austin Facebook Fan Page. I’ll announce the winner and think of a prize next week.

Annnnyyyyhooooo . . .

As the wind accentuates her giant forehead Ashley brings Brad to the first place she became gainfully employed and proceeds to give a dim witted Brad a lesson on the country to the North of us. It’s a place called Canada and, apparently, they speak a bit of French up there. Brad deflects his ignorance by saying exactly what he said about Seattle. “I love it here. I could live here.” The waitress appears and mutters something in French and Brad answers in Spanish proving that he’s capable of being a fool in English and French. Hell, it worked for Jerry Lewis.

Fivehead continues to explain that there are French Acadians who speak, well, French. She orders “poutine,” or fries with gravy and cheese, and Brad pretends to enjoy it all the while pretending that the gravy mix is actually protein powder.

It was nice to see how proud Ashley was of her home town as she and Brad wander about gathering lobster and vegetables for dinner. I love small towns and there is something pleasantly and refreshingly unique about accompanying someone from one on a trip back home. As a visitor, a person soon realizes that understanding the town is essential to understanding the person. Brad seemed genuinely impressed as well.

Fivehead and Brad arrive at her parents’ modest home and everyone proceeds to scream and jump around like Bob Barker just called their name. Odd. Chrystie, her loud mouthed, attention seeking, tattoo covered sister—we know SHE didn’t go to dental school—immediately uses her loud mouth to seek attention. I’ve made no secret of my affinity for small town girls with tattoos; however, no amount of tattoos can cover up annoying. I popped another Lone Star in an attempt to dull the pain. After all, life is about coping mechanisms, isn’t it?

The family seemed warm and inviting, but man were they overbearing and annoying. There was forced laughter at all of Brad’s “jokes.” They eat lobstah and pataytahs and eventually Fivehead’s dad—who is the polar opposite of Chantal’s effeminate, Greek art having, purple silk shirt wearing, pinot noir coiffing, mani/pedi getting father—takes him to the Madawaska version of the chat room. That’s also known as the storage shed, by the way.

Amongst the bags of stacked insulation and exposed Hardee board, they discuss life’s conundrums and we learn that Ashley is not, in fact, a dentist but a dental student who “is going to finish” school. Frankly, I felt cheated. For 8 weeks now she’s been “a dentist.” I would have found the “I’m the first in my small town to go to graduate school” story line much more appealing. Shame on the Producers for pandering to the appearance of status.

After some cursory shots of the attention seeking sister and mom’s colored and shellacked hair, her flannel pearl snap wearing father gives Brad his blessing and everyone gives Ashley a kiss on her Fivehead. I liked her family dynamic. Although they were annoying they did seem the most receptive to the entire concept. Again, Brad loves it there and doesn’t want to leave. Alas, he leaves as Fivehead drops a “Brad and I’s” relationship before going inside and chastising her parents about telling Brad that she was not yet a dentist.

SHAWNTEL IN CHICO, CALIFORNIA

Fulfilling her father’s “if ABC is going to film in my house they are going to plug my family business” demand, we see the advertisement for the Newton-Bracewell Funeral Home. Before spewing more “next level” and “huge” talk Chantal wanders through the narrow confines of her mausoleum in her version of the ubiquitous 30 foot scarf waiting for Brad to arrive.

Brad duck walks (WOMACK!) through the parking lot into the crypt and has no idea if he should whisper, bless himself, or just hug Shawntel. To be fair, that was weird. Shawntel looked pretty in her short skirt thing and boots. It’s too bad she was forced to start the day at the morgue. In a show of solidarity with Ashley S. she drops a “Brad and I’s” relationship.

Of course, Brad “loves it” in Chico too. We assume he could see himself living there. Brad and Shawntel take a tour of the crypt house as every interred body in the place rolls over and the dozens of Chico families with relatives buried there took a deep breath in horror. The terror on Brad’s face was evident.

Shawntel gives Brad an embalming lesson in the Prep Room as she talks passionately about her job. I was actually impressed. Brad, however, complained that a future with Shawntel would entail many conversations about death and the embalming process. Whatever. I’m sure she’s delighted at the prospect of coming home every night after providing comfort and closure to grieving families and hearing about the bitchin’ cash he brought in on Ladies’ Night or the big success of the Tappa Tappa Keg Fraternity No Means Yes Date Rape Mixer Party 2011 thrown at one of his bars. Jackass.

We meet Shawntel’s family among more screaming and jumping around. Apparently, Bob Barker (or is it Drew Carey now?) made the trip from L.A. to Chico. We meet Dad Rick and his porn stash, Mom Coleen, and her two younger, hot sisters, Sodom and Gomorrah. Actually, I think it was Destiny and Vanessa, which are strippers’ names anyway, but I’m getting bogged down in details.

The family dines in a white room that frankly looked like the Prep Room if all of the surgical tools were replaced with fake flowers and nautical clocks. Brad chomps away on a 50 ounce steak grateful to replenish his waning protein reserves and the moving to Austin talk begins as Shawntel belts wine in preparation for having the “you’re not leaving Chico and the family business” talk that has undoubtedly gone on in that house countless times. Oh boy.

Brad drops some ridiculous metaphor about the family business and then says they are all “full of life.” Whoever wrote that for him should have been embalmed. Shawntel has to deal with her father’s selfish demands but stands her ground. Again, I was impressed with her. That was probably not easy for her to do. Dad eventually relents to the demands of the Producers and the promise of the free, primetime plug of his beloved funeral home and gives Brad his blessing all the while hoping it doesn’t work out so his daughter can remain perpetually trapped in Chico waiting for people to die.

Brad drops a “what a family” as he fights every urge to duck sprint (WOMACK!) for the waiting car. We all knew he would boot Shawntel, but I have to say that I really liked her. She and her family—minus the controlling, myopic father—seemed really nice. To be fair, I can understand Dad’s desire to pass on the family business and he seemed genuine. We’ll see how that entire scenario pans out when Shawntel decides to get the hell out of Chico on her own. Brad hits the road and boards a plane in order to reunite with his head and heart in Charlotte.

EMILY IN CHARLOTTE

We cut to Charlotte, which for those of you who have never been there, is like Austin in the sense that it just about as close to the perfect balance a person can get between a small town and a big city. A close friend of mine did his residency there in medical school and I spent some time there over the years. It’s a beautiful place with a ton of hot broads with wonderful manners and accents like Emily. I get that not all of you dig the South, but Charlotte is charming. That’s all I’m saying. Oh, and a bit of trivia. “Angel” from my Worst Date Ever off season post is from Charlotte. The post can be found somewhere between September and December of 2010 on the blog. Annyyyhooo . . .

We get a shot of a tight jean and winter boot clad Emily running to reunite with her daughter. That was a nice moment but I’m always leery of putting kids on these shows. To be fair, the cameras seemed to maintain a safe distance, but still.

Emily preps the kiddo for meeting her “new friend” as Brad duck walks (WOMACK!), bribe in hand, across the park to meet Emily and Little Ricki. The entire scenario was awkward but I think we’ve all been there when a child that age just doesn’t want to deal with whatever situation is presented. Frankly, I was surprised that Brad—who has some nieces and nephews—was not better with her daughter, but I’m sure the cameras and all of the hoopla made it more difficult. Ricki eventually warmed up to Brad’s kite.

Back at Emily’s kickass house—thank you, Hendrick family—we get invited into the kid’s room which, frankly, was the equivalent of a Fantasy Suite for kids. Pink couches, bunk beds, make up areas, toy-filled shelves, and every amenity imaginable was at that kid’s finger tips. In short, Emily and that kid are WELL taken care of in Charlotte. Good luck getting any of that stuff on a moving truck labeled “Austin.”

Brad gets intellectually outmatched in a game of Candyland and pretends to be comfortable. After the kid is put to sleep with the camera man in her room, Brad and Emily retire to the sofa for some flakey pie and water from a mason jar. Brad acts flakey and makes it clear that he’s not in the mood for Emily’s pie. He hides behind that fact that her daughter is upstairs asleep but we all knew that he couldn’t shake the thought of looking knowingly into Chantal’s father’s eyes amidst the soft lighting and delicate shadow of that super gay statue.

Emily fights the urge to laugh in Brad’s face and gives him the “you’re sweet and respectful speech” before finally making him kiss her. ARE YOU CRAZY?! I screamed at my TV as I sat up angrily spilling precious drops of my Lone Star. The guy is in Emily’s house alone with her and he won’t kiss her. Dude, that statue must have done a number on him. I felt like Maverick riding behind Iceman in Top Gun as Iceman hesitated and hesitated behind the Russian Mig. “I could take a shot right here!” I yelled. Ridiculous. Brad leaves Emily disappointed. I believe I would have handled that opportunity a tad differently.

BACK IN NYC

Harrison, fresh off a trip to Scores, showers up in order to remove the smell of jasmine and the residual glitter from his face and meets Brad in the Lair of Seclusion to discuss the home towns with Brad. He plugs the hotel sponsor and begins to turn the knife a bit. Man, I’ve missed Harrison. Dr. Jamie, my ass.

Brad “I really can’t’s” “I hope so’s” “I really do’s” and “I appreciate it’s” all over the place before Harrison’s buzz begins to wear off and he shuts down the circular interview to prep the ladies for the big ceremony. Brad remains in the Lair to brood amongst the candle light and framed 8X10’s.

ROSE CEREMONY

Harrison sets up the obvious, wishes the ladies luck, and retires to the bar while Brad does the dirty work.

Emily looked stunning in royal blue, Ashley looked tired, Shawntel looked very pretty in black sequins, and Chantal looked TERRIBLE. Her Betty Rubble hairdo lacked only the bone through the bun and her dress was ill-fitting and looked uncomfortable. What the hell happened to her? I actually felt bad for her.

Brad makes a canned speech and proceeds to eliminate Shawntel. Frankly, I think the family issues, lack of chemistry, and her creepy job did it for him. I know I picked Chantal early, but I think he made a mistake. Shawntel is sufficiently upset but not crazy. I couldn’t figure out if she was more upset at the dumping or the fact that she’s stuck in Chico indefinitely. I’d be willing to bet that the “I didn’t get picked” phone call home was awkward as hell considering the fact that her dad probably threw a quiet celebration.

Shawntel won me over this season. I liked her, but it was clear that she and Brad didn’t click the way he does with the others. In that regard, it was a good decision for Brad. Shawntel laments saying that Brad “was perfect.” She’ll get over that feeling by the time the After the Final Rose show airs. Trust me. With any luck some out-of-towner will wander through a Chico cemetery in search of his dead birth parents or something and sweep Shawntel off her feet like Richard Gere did Deborah Winger in An Officer and a Gentlemen.

Well, there you have it. With the Amazing count 103 and the Journey count remaining at a stagnant 20 this week, we head to South Africa for Episode 9 and the Fantasy Suite dates. I can’t wait. Don't forget to post your haiku. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be in Seattle posing for a nude statue. DP

90 comments:

  1. I appreciate how beautiful, sweet, polite and southern Emily is, but she sure is BORING. Does she ever laugh or get silly? She's so monotone and talk about "please and thank you", she says it constantly, along with "i appreciate that". I hope she is not the next Bachlorette, I think that would be a snoozer. I think Shawntel from Chico would be a great Bachelorette. She's a catch. She's successful, beautiful, great body, and has more personality.
    Great post! I especially like the paragraph where you compared Brad coming home to Shawntel and talking about his big success at his bars after the frat parties, etc. No kidding.

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  2. Brad checks the weather in Seattle in hopes that it will be cold enough there for him to wear his brand new oatmeal-colored, fingerless gloves ( does he shop at Justice?)
    -Brad pretends to like cats and feigns amusement at her tiny dog as it does its best Womack impression by going shirtless and groping Chantal O. -
    Emily looked stunning in royal blue, Ashley looked tired, Shawntel looked very pretty in black sequins, and Chantal looked TERRIBLE. Her Betty Rubble hairdo lacked only the bone through the bun and her dress was ill-fitting and looked uncomfortable. What the hell happened to her? I actually felt bad for her.
    bahhhaaaahhaaaa....thanks for the laughs:)
    Yes he was sold on Chantel O's dough isn't that her stepfather? and that her mom still looks pretty hot for an old lady, and I am so glad you pointed out her look at the finale...she looked like a giant wig wearing tomato about to pop! He choked big time with Emily and she is one smart cookie you could see it in her eyes she was a bit pissed, and took control of the situation. She is too good for him. Ashley is okay, she isn't anything special to take home to Austin and show up his ex- and seriously calling yourself a dentist when you are still in school?? The fries and gravy you called it, you know he went home and p90x'd after that! So funny~ and sweet shout out to your friend Jenna will send her prayers and hope you come to Denver soon.

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  3. My favorite line this week: "Apparently, Boca didn’t have time to shave his chest. His impression was appreciated, but I found him to be too animated."

    My friends and I found it interesting that Brad's outfit choices matched the dad each time - both in a button down at Chantal's, both in a plaid flannel at Ashley's, both in a sweater with collared shirt at Shawntel's. Very curious...

    I like Chantal and the fact that she's not a stick figure, but that dress was a poor choice. Few people can pull off tight red satin.

    Great recap! Can't wait to see what happens with the fantasty suites.

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  4. Several weeks ago I was bored and googled "Brad Womack is a Douche Bag" and was led to this gem of a blog. Now every Tuesday morning I'm as excited as a fat kid waiting for a fresh donut to read what clever hilarious recap you have written. This has to be one of the most insightful and witty blogs ever! Thanks for making my tuesday mornings full of laughter.

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  5. Loved the hat paragraph! Hilarious as always DP! I hate to say it, but i agree i think Emily is a bore and would be just as boring as Brad as the bachelorette. Their conversations are unbearable. Here is my Haiku

    Please, Thank you, Truly
    They make me cringe every time
    Please stop Brad, thank you

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  6. anon 1, I would consider Emily "reserved" but not "boring". There's a big difference. stephw, agree totally. Red satin is a bitch. anon 2, it's nice to hear that Google works. Props on the fat kid and the fresh donut smack too. Thanks for reading. DP

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  7. We have our first Haiku. Albeit unsigned, it has set the bar pretty high. That made me laugh. Solid work. DP

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  8. Austin guy, your recaps are the only reason I watch the show. Outstanding!
    After all the weeks of wanting the Crazy Train to crash, I found myself missing the Old Psycho. As the completely contrived hometown dates went on, I began wondering how it would have gone down in Utah?
    With location scouts unable to locate Michelle's double wide... Harrison would have contacted the NBA offices, and obtained the address of where the latest hush money checks had been sent. Upon arrival, Harrison would have been met at the door by one of Michelle's co-hairstylist, Destiny. Asking WAYYY too much of her tank top fabric, cig & beer in hand, she would have pushed back a toddler (or two) with her bare foot and quickly said, "If your'e from CPS, these ain't mine. She said she was going to get her meds and that was like, 36 days ago!" After eyeing the stack of Acapulco Gold bricks in the corner, Harrison might have said, "Do you mind? Truly, I deeply love being here!"
    - throwing stones out of glass houses in H-town

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  9. I don't think Emily is a boring person - you can see little sparks of her personality come out, like when she was laughing at Brad's discomfort last night - but she doesn't make for good TV and would be a TERRIBLE bachelorette. Another vote for Shawntel from me; she'd be fun, would give the producers a hell of an editing job in that she wouldn't talk about feelings all the time, would get the male contestants to talk about all the deaths in their pasts, and would ultimately choose a good guy.

    So with that...

    Fingerless gloves and
    Cap from a newsboy. Little
    Orphan Brad seeks dad.

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  10. Shiny dress is crap
    Southern accents are not crap
    Crap is the theme here

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  11. Boring as a corpse
    Shows no expression on face
    Is he a robot?

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  12. couple of things here :
    1. that's the gaanswevort hotel on 29th street which only has one balcony as far as I know - it's on the roof with the pool. maybe brad had a quick "brisk" dip and his hairwas wet. dunno
    2. two (2 ) haikus

    "brad's lament"
    Brad says he goes slow
    He's known them for eight weeks, and
    will screw them next week

    "week 9"
    Chantal has much cash,
    Emily has a daughter,
    Ashley has poutine

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  13. Fav so far:
    "week 9"
    Chantal has much cash,
    Emily has a daughter,
    Ashley has poutine

    shout out to DP for posting the prayer request!

    TLEW in NashVegas, TN

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  14. Thanks for the laughs, Some Guy. By the way, I guess Brad quickly forgot about Michelle since he talked about Emily being the only girl he's ever dated with a daughter.

    "Womack"

    Brad walks like a duck
    Speaks French like a Mexican
    Handsome, polite, putz

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  15. Genius this week.
    -- Apparently, her family is so rich they literally purchased Tuscany and had it flown over to Seattle after kicking out all of the Italians and building a house bigger than Dallas on top of it. For crying out loud that place was huge.
    -- Lurch
    -- Many purple shirts
    -- Jerry Lewis
    -- We know she didn't go to dental school (tattooed sister)
    -- kid's bedroom = Fantasy Suite

    And a haiku for you:

    Madawaska Maine
    Tattooed sister and poutine
    It means "porcupine"

    Merci

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  16. Ricky Tic flew a kite
    Someone make this nightmare end
    Summer’s Eve has a new poster child

    ReplyDelete
  17. I haven't written a Haiku since highschool, but here goes:

    I hated Brad's hat
    Em is sweet but boring
    Chantal will win this

    Thanks, Some Guy, for injecting a dose of culture into our fluffy, reality TV drugged brains today! Consensus of my group o' chicas watching last night: Chantal is really pretty and seems to mesh well with Brad, we think he'll pick her because she can move to Austin and he likes her family. Ie, the Botox O'Briens. Ashley is sweet, but kinda spazzy...no sexual spark, don't see it happening, we thought she'd be going home last night. Shawntel, pretty girl, smart, left with class....
    Emily...so cute, great personality, but boring to watch. She never does anything silly or interesting to comment on. The meeting with little Rickie (heehee) was AWKWARD,but seemed to improve. Brad totally choked by not kissing her! Is the fact that she's a mom a turnoff? Can't see her moving to Austin and uprooting her daughter. HATED Chantal's red dress (ill-fitting on her) and hair, Shawntel's hair was also a mess, as was Ashley's!! Did the hairstylist take the night off? All pretty girls, not at their best for that particular rose ceremony. When I have a bad hair day, at least it's not on national TV. Did I mention Brad's a douche? Not like I really had to mention it, but there you go anyway. Great post, Some Guy...hilarious as always!

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  18. The haikus are killing me. This is the most fun I've had in the comment section since Gay Derek from wherever propositioned me. Also, Emily is not "boring," she's "reserved". There's a big difference. I beg to differ that she never does anything intersting. Standing, for instance. That's interesting when Emily does it. Alright, point taken. Now send some more haikus. DP

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dates bachelorettes
    wearing silly hats and gloves.
    Someone dump his ass.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've been away (figuratively, of course) for a long time, Some Guy. Glad I made it back -- love ya.

    News flash
    Bachelor hits South Africa
    Call Mandela now....as if!

    Brad, Laurel called
    She's sending the ring back
    Pass it on to Chantal, 'kay?

    Michelle has wicked brows
    Shawntel -- wicked tat
    Brad's a wicked douche bag

    (Thanks for the inspriration, Anonymous at 11:11)

    ReplyDelete
  21. No haiku for me. Just wanted to say the only reason I keep watching this show is Tuesday's I can read yours and Lincee's blog!
    One thing though that I haven't seen anyone mention is I thought it was funny/rude when Ashley fed Brad one of those funky fries and then she said "I saw your crown"...and not even from a dentist!!!
    Love Emily, but unfortunately I don't see her winning.

    And, I wouldn't post this as anonymous, but there isn't a way to just leave your name! Patty

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  22. DP - As I finished watching The Bachelor last night, I could not help but think that with this episode's lack of drama between the women you might have a hard time delivering a weekly recap that was on pace with the one's previous. Man, was I wrong. You exceeded all expectations.

    Your multiple references to Brad and Michael O's homoerotic attraction/connection was so hilarious that I'm going to have to watch Brad's visit to the O's house again just to appreciate it more the second time. Just too many great quotes for me to list which one's I liked the best.

    By the way, you mentioned sharing any of our "Brad hat jokes" with the group. I thought that the only thing he was missing on the top of that hat was a spinner. He could have been a dead ringer for Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum.

    Solid work this week, DP.

    -MH

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  23. Dear Brad,
    Chantal's asleep.
    Can I show you my etchings?
    Love, Mikey Bear

    ReplyDelete
  24. i had to call my sister to ask if there was a new form of grammar i had missed.......brad and I's relationship. ha ha....that agitated me cuz more than one of those girls said it........
    i like limericks better than haiku....

    there once was a guy named brad
    who made all the girls fall for him bad
    too bad he was a douche
    with a tattoo near his touche
    when this show is over i will be glad

    ReplyDelete
  25. Loved the re-cap!

    Question: Does Brad used the word "badly" correctly? He uses it *constantly*! I dare say that I've never used it, ever.

    ReplyDelete
  26. He becomes aroused
    Brad catches glimpse of statue
    Yearns for Mr. O

    -MH

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  27. Homoerotic
    Self made man carving himself
    Womack finds true love

    -MH

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  28. I can not fight it
    Chris H please accept this rose
    Truly I mean it

    -MH

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  29. Papà O è gay
    Cinq-têtes aime la douche bag
    Brad es un idiota

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey Some Guy - Me and the fellas loved your recap. I can tell you from experience that Chantel's dad has definitely buttered his bread on the other side. The nude statue of a man in your home was only one of many indicators. Thanks for the shout out. By the way, the next time you have a meet and greet in Miami let me know. Me and the boys would love to have some of those modeling pics autographed that you promised me. You might have a tall order to fill by the time you come down here. I'm at 10 pics and counting so far. There are some fantastic Cuban night clubs down here. Cosmopolitans on us all night when we see you in South Beach. We love you! - Derek

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  31. Great blog - will add to my prayers tonight Jenna. It's like with every season the houses got bigger. Did you see how much wine they had?!? Could have stocked Perrys. Haiku will be forthcoming .

    I don't think any of these women are boring. You need to have some personality to be on tv. They just edit out how they story fits the best in my mind.

    - post it girl

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  32. Brad is not the same
    Inner change can not be seen
    He means it, truly.

    xoxo,

    WKS

    ReplyDelete
  33. my very favorite conversation of the night to set up the awkwardness makes for a perfect haiku:

    "It's so pretty here."
    "It gets even prettier."
    "Oh, I meant Chico."

    ReplyDelete
  34. Haiku....snaffoo!

    Not sure of which 'one'?
    Then Brad, you are 'done'
    once again....

    or maybe a better poetic synopsis...

    There once was a 'boy' named Brad
    who grew up to be a big 'cad'.
    After dropping 'two' so sad,
    he then delved into 'mad'.
    Why do we labor to know,
    when a 'girl' is unwilling to go?
    It's 'us' who are getting stripped
    of the 'shame' in his whole 'empty' trip
    We can see 'ourselves' all there
    & acknowledge our own asses are bare!

    Now the end of story goes like this...
    'As we slosh in the island waves just a bit, we'll all be emotionally brave...
    Until....well...you know...
    until the one with the 'slap' finally caves!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I think Shawntel has the big forehead! Can we say cling on. Emily is now annoying me. Fake! .
    P.S. Where are the asian women...maybe 2 smart.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I was the author of "brad's lament" and "week 8". I'm on the train to work and thought of this.
    "A country weeps"
    They all talk about
    "Brad and I's relationship"
    Can't they speak English?

    Ben

    ReplyDelete
  37. and then ....
    Now Michelle is gone
    no more crazy on this show
    why do we still watch?

    or

    How many women
    will it take until we see
    Brad is a big tool?

    Ben

    ReplyDelete
  38. My submission:
    ...About love
    Brad hasnt a clue.
    Thus endeth my haiku.

    (Being the over-acheiver that I am I also felt compelled to compose a sonnet for bonus points-here goes):
    "Brad Womack you may have the abs of Vin Diesel,
    But you've got the face of a long tailed weasel.
    Is Bachelor Brad a loser?..the answer is yes,
    meanwhile Chantel O's dad is so homo he should wear tank tops of mesh.
    Brad has the intellectual and emotional depth of a parking lot puddle;
    When left alone with Emily he would not even cuddle!
    One can only hope Michelle will come back, Take Brad into the fantasy suite and throw away the key....
    So we wont have to enudure "Brad the Bachelor season three!!!" ;)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Wow, we've got some budding young poets in the audience. Sonnets? Foreign language haikus? Impressive. We've even got the Klingon reference to Shawtel. Frankly, I'm sorry I missed that one. That's funny. It's carefully dulled by the "all Asians are smart" stereotype, but funny nonetheless. Keep them coming. DP

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  40. Thank you for noticing Brad's mispronunciation of similarities! It made me crazy!

    For the record, not all women like cats. I think they're deplorable. As are dogs with clothing on.

    Favorite line: "He hides behind that fact that her daughter is upstairs asleep but we all knew that he couldn’t shake the thought of looking knowingly into Chantal’s father’s eyes amidst the soft lighting and delicate shadow of that super gay statue."

    Brad doesn't deserve
    the women he's been given
    Give Em to Some Guy

    ReplyDelete
  41. uh oh Some Guy, heads up, looks like gay Derek is back.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Jessica, I love your haiku in principle as long as I have the option to pass on some of them. Anon, thanks for the heads up. I'm happy that Derek and his posse are back in the house. Derek, I need a picture of the gang on my Facebook Fan Page, please. DP

    ReplyDelete
  43. OMG...more than happy to. Just sent you one of me and the gang in one of our favorite haunts. Please reciprocate. -Derek and the boys

    ReplyDelete
  44. Some Guy in Austin
    Makes Monday night bearable
    Just to laugh Tuesday

    There are SO many funny references in this blog, I had to reapply my mascara after I read it. My boss actually thought I was crying & if I hadn't been so honest, I would've gotten the rest of the afternoon off! Next time I need to leave early...I know exactly what to do!

    Thanks,
    Book

    P.S. By the way, have you started packing for your move to South Carolina yet?

    ReplyDelete
  45. Book, you need waterproof mascara. It's good to know that you were honest about wasting your boss's money. I'm happy you still have a job. I haven't packed my bag for SC yet. We'll see how next week goes. DP

    ReplyDelete
  46. Haiku fun-time:

    Please, PLEASE accept that
    "Brad and I's relationship"
    is just poor grammar

    Or how about...

    I would kiss you, but...
    You're not buying this are you?
    Truly, I'm a douche

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dear Some Guy,

    I've been enjoying your witty commentary since Jake's season, but haven't been ready to go public with my guilty pleasure confession until now. (Perhaps it will inspire Daddy O to come out as well?)

    I think Brad has strongest feelings for Emily (probably because she's
    been less emotionally available than the others), which is why he froze last week when she essentially begged for some kissing. The reappearance of Brad's commitment issues inspired my first ever haiku:

    Emily invites
    Little Rikki dreams of kites
    Brad suffers from fright

    Where the heck is Dr. Jamie when you need him?

    Thanks for all the laughs,
    A fan in DC (who shares your initials and profession)

    ReplyDelete
  48. couldn't wait for your recap and it did not disappoint - thanks! hope all is well with Jenna and her dad.

    ludicrous drake tread
    cadaver in the making
    lone statue weeping

    ReplyDelete
  49. my attempt at haiku...

    Si, or is it Oui?
    Forrest Gump schtups Pat Swayze
    Born unto them--Womack

    ReplyDelete
  50. Reality Douchebag, I mean, Reality Steve has announced who the Bachelorette is going to be for those interested. Warning: he announces it via video so you have to hear his voice and see him dance before he says it :/

    SC/FL

    ReplyDelete
  51. scrapordelight, despite the extra syllable in the last line, that's brilliant. anon, i like the imagery of the gay statue weeping. I'd say it made me tear up a bit, but it didn't. Nice work. dp2, solid first effort. Keep them coming! Houston Meet & Greet Tomorrow and Birmingham Meet & Greet Next Week. Details on my Facebook Fan Page. Hope to see you there! DP

    ReplyDelete
  52. I think that Ricki tic needs the therapist. Anyone else notice all the thumb sucking going on for a 5 year old?!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Oops, I posted at the other site.


    You may think douche-like

    Brad is tool-ish and foolish

    Still better than Jake

    ReplyDelete
  54. Damn! How did I miss that extra syllable? Must have been the embalming fluid in my eyes. I will try to right the wrong...

    Si, or is it Oui?
    Forrest Gump schtups Pat Swayze
    Born to them--Womack

    or

    Si, or is it Oui?
    Forrest Gump schtups Pat Swayze
    Their spawn...The Womack

    ReplyDelete
  55. Chantal, a screw loose
    If Emily is the one
    Their babies...robots

    ReplyDelete
  56. Will there be a Meet-n-Greet in the Dallas area?

    ReplyDelete
  57. Can't believe I made it through two days without getting to this! family travel/car issues kept me away from spare computer time ... but so worth the wait! Prayers for Jenna's dad ... so sorry.

    Loved the line about the dog doing a Womack impression, "but I found him to be too animated." :)

    This was my favorite graph: Brad gets intellectually outmatched in a game of Candyland and pretends to be comfortable. After the kid is put to sleep with the camera man in her room, Brad and Emily retire to the sofa for some flakey pie and water from a mason jar. Brad acts flakey and makes it clear that he’s not in the mood for Emily’s pie. He hides behind that fact that her daughter is upstairs asleep but we all knew that he couldn’t shake the thought of looking knowingly into Chantal’s father’s eyes amidst the soft lighting and delicate shadow of that super gay statue.
    Priceless!
    I'm no poet -- I stick with prose, but I'll try:


    Sculpted abs won't fix
    the personality of
    Brad Pickelsimer

    or

    Derek and the boys
    Long for what they cannot have;
    Some Guy is not gay

    Already looking forward to next week!

    ReplyDelete
  58. Oh, dear...touche' Clare. Try this one on for size:

    Some Guy oh so fine
    He is our forbidden fruit
    But a boy can dream

    Love and Laughs - Derek

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hysterically funny!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Fantasy Suite Night
    Herpes spreading all around
    Can't you just feel it

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  61. Great Haiku Derek!

    - Hal (one of the boys)

    ReplyDelete
  62. Your blog is masterful. Here's my haiku:

    No doubt about it
    Brad Womack likes these four women a lot
    That is for damn sure

    ReplyDelete
  63. Ok - couldn't help it. Another one:

    Brad doesn't know his dad
    But he'd make one helluva father
    That is for damn sure

    ReplyDelete
  64. I'll stop after this one:

    Brad can tie his shoes
    Twenty five word vocabulary
    See Brad run and jump

    ReplyDelete
  65. Solid efforts. By the way, I'm strongly considering a trip to Miami. Houston meet and greet 5 pm Friday Feb 25 at Woodrows on Bellaire. DP

    ReplyDelete
  66. OMG! This whole recap cracked me up. Too many gems but I will go with the flakey pie and the too animated dog comments. Also, I love that Aflac duck so every time you mention Brad's duck walk (WOMACK!) I ROFL. Love it. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I need someone to please explain to me why we think Chantal's dad is gay. I am always off the mark on this.

    ReplyDelete
  68. OMG!!! Possible meet and greet in Miami. I almost just passed out and spilled my latte. Some guy, you better not being choking my chain (figuratively). Are you being sincere??? Boys..our prayers have been answered!!!
    -Derek

    ReplyDelete
  69. Tears stream down her face
    Into abundant cleavage
    Silicone thank you

    ReplyDelete
  70. OMG, I'm loving the love from Derek and the South Beach Boys!

    ReplyDelete
  71. Derek, do you think Chantal's dad is latently gay?

    ReplyDelete
  72. Hi there Stacy - Thanks for love. Back at you sweetheart ;)

    Anon - I remember noticing that he gave Brad "bedroom eyes" a couple of times. I would not be surprised if he walked on the wild side a few times in his earlier youth. At the very least, I would guess by his mannerisms that he finds men attractive. - Derek

    ReplyDelete
  73. Dark-lit plush office
    Two men sit and talk intimately
    Purple shirt pulses

    ReplyDelete
  74. I'm just reading this now, kids sick with flu this week. So sorry about your friend Jenna's father being so ill, will put him on my prayer list Jenna.

    Did you have to mention the gimp Some Guy, did you? I'm still scarred by that poor, little gimp in the movie. I never watched the movie again because of that freaking sad little gimp.

    I think you need to share your haiku about how you would of handled the Emily situation "a tad differently" I of course have one:

    Emily's across from me
    Sucking back Coors Light
    Such a deal breaker

    Here's a couple from Em to Brad

    Sitting here so awkwardly
    I can't help but think
    Where's his freaking shrink?

    or

    He looks at me stunned
    Brad it's Em I'm here I'm hot
    For fucks sake what gives?

    ReplyDelete
  75. Commitment phobic
    Laurel texting bore de force
    Where are you Lambton

    ReplyDelete
  76. Long time reader, first time commenter. I read your recaps at least twice a week, and after giving birth to my first child in August, I would read your "off season" posts when I was up all night with her. I think we would be best friends. But that is neither here nor there.

    Here is my Haiku, but you should know that limericks are more my bag.
    Brad Pickelsmier
    Please do. Would you? Do you mind?
    You are killing us.

    -Meredith

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  77. Great Haiku Meredith. It's nice to actually see a post from someone that realizes a Haiku has 5-7-5 syllables.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Hey DP - I think that Meredith is on to something....maybe next week you could incorporate a limerick into your Monday recap and invite all of your readers to follow up after Monday's episode and post one of there own. But please, this time explain what a limerick is for the readers that don't know. I have to agree with anon...I noticed plenty of posts from readers that were unfamiliar with the simple guidelines pertaining to Haikus. Regardless, they were all still entertaining. Derek's reference to "Some Guy" as "forbidden fruit" in his Haiku was borderline genius. I don't think that I've laughed that hard in a while. I loved reading everyone's haikus about Brad, but when Derek busted out with one about DP being unattainable he just took it to another level. -MH

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  79. Loved the Top Gun reference and Brad's bar convo in comparison to Shawntel's.

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  80. you know, watching the weird commercials for the Newton Bracewell Funeral Home, it seems to me she should look long and hard at Dane Bracewell - the family that embalms together stays together ammiright?

    ReplyDelete
  81. Artery clogging
    Gravy covered cheesy fry
    Brad must work out twice

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  82. Please end the contest soon, before I try to haiku again!

    Therapy can't solve
    Brad's real issue: a lack of
    personality

    ReplyDelete
  83. he and i's
    eyes locked in freedom
    from grammar

    ReplyDelete
  84. check out Youtube, enter "Brad Womack" and "Firework" in the search box. He is dancing in the back seat while his twin brother drives the car. Oh my!

    ReplyDelete
  85. anon, please post the link on my Facebook Fan Page "Guy in Austin". I can't find it by searching those two things. Alright, the haiku contest is officially closed for this week. I'll announce the big winner in tomorrow's post. Thanks to all for your submissions. There honestly wasn't a bad one in the bunch--even Derek's homage to Yours Truly was, uh, touching. DP

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  86. More on that short video link - when you go to youtube, search "Brad goofing off" and it will be the first option. Can't get to facebook from my office, sorry! Happy viewing - looks like those boys were having a good time.

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  87. I agree, I couldn't ignore those insights. It's all about your perceptions.

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  88. I enjoyed following the whole entry, I always thought one of the main things to count when you write a blog is learning how to complement the ideas with images, that's exploiting at the maximum the possibilities of a ciber-space! Good work on this entry!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete