Welcome back, Readers. On James Dean’s 80th birthday here we are already at Episode 6 of our favorite show and the herd is thinning about as quickly as Chris Harrison’s screen time. Despite the fact that temperatures have been in the high 60’s and low 70’s and it’s been gorgeous here for the past couple of days, it did snow a couple of inches in Austin last week. I realize that a couple inches of snow would be a welcome respite from the inundation that a large part of the audience has endured this winter, but here it’s a big deal. Snow that sticks around in Austin is a rarity. We usually schedule winter for a Thursday in late January and then move ahead to Spring.
Other than the snow and a new tattoo (that’s number 7 if you’re scoring at home), I have nothing else to report. In case you’re wondering, the answer is “yes”. The shutting down of the city due to unusually cold weather was the main contributing factor to me running out and getting inked again. The answer to the other question bouncing around in your heads is “no”. I did not get a gothic cross the size of Delaware between my shoulder blades. Perhaps I’ll post the new art on my Facebook Fan Page later today. For you new readers, search “Guy in Austin” and you’ll find me. Also, my “real” job might be offering the opportunity for some travel in the near future and I’ll be posting some potential cities for my 2011 Meet and Greets. Stay tuned. With that said, let’s get to it.
We begin, of course, with the sweeping vistas of Costa Rica, the latest destination on our trek halfway around the world in search an American girl who’s ready to stop traveling in order to settle down. Go figure. Horses, monkeys, zip lines, and cave exploration lie in our future and Brad lets us know that after 6 weeks of this nonsense he’s still confused. Frankly, so am I, but I’d be willing to bet that Brad and I are confused for completely different reasons.
As he mopes around flexing, brooding, and self-reflecting while exploring wayward waterfalls, breathtaking beaches, and various vistas, we learn that Costa Rica is the perfect place to fall in love. As we’ll later learn, it’s also the perfect place for Chantal O. and Michelle to continue bitching at each other like a couple of magpies.
Brad copters his way around the vastness of it all telling us that Costa Rica is a “magical” place. Oddly enough, he proved himself right. When he entered the helicopter for his secluded ride of self-actualization his shirt was orange. When he emerged from the helicopter it was blue. At first I thought it was more irresponsible editing; however, the optimist in me prefers to credit the transformation to the magical nature of the island. Insert eye roll, popping Lone Star bottle cap, and deep sigh.
With Flipcams, scrunchies, seasonally appropriate attire, and a couple pairs of period panties packed for good measure the girls kiss Vegas goodbye. We cut next to the girls headed—or in Ashley’s case “fore-headed”—from Vegas to Costa Rica. Fivehead is ready to get “down and dirty” in the jungle with Brad. Jackie is fascinated the “luscious greenery all around” her and Emily invokes images of the rainforest as she sports some sort of Bo Derek braided bangs that looked fabulous on her hot, Southern, little head. I prayed for some shots of her running in slow motion down a lonely beach in search of love or whatever.
Everyone arrives at The Springs Resort and Spa in vibrant and colorful tank tops accented carefully with the ubiquitous thirty foot scarves that are apparently made unconditionally available to them. Alli shows us her giant beaver teeth and points out the giant volcano looming ominously over the resort like a Costa Rican Vesuvius over Pompeii.
I immediately pictured futuristic archaeologists discovering the soot-covered Springs Resort hundreds of years from now to find a pristinely preserved ashen caste of Emily which they would undoubtedly photograph, preserve, and examine in order to reach the undeniable conclusion that Costa Rica was an isolated country filled with incredibly hot women like that island that Wonder Woman came from. This conclusion, of course, would remain unchallenged for generations until they discovered Alli’s caste a mere 100 meters away.
It would be like when they discovered that the brontosaurus’ skull was not really it’s own skull but one found close by or when they finally reached the conclusion that certain hominoids were hunchbacked before someone finally figured out that the fossilized skeleton they’d been studying was actually disease ridden and therefore not indicative of the entire population. Annnnyyyyhoooo . . . .
Brad utters his unbelievably annoying “Hey Ladies, come join me . . .” catch phrase and the women swoon like gnats on a discarded sandwich as he escorts them to their room. Michelle says she can see how people could fall in love in Costa Rica. As we’ll find out later, she apparently can also see how a girl could stab another girl in the face with nail file in order to protect her territory. Like everyone else in yoga pants and a tank top, Michelle wonders about the imminent presentation of the first one-on-one date card.
Surprise. Brad “thank yous” everyone and drops the date card before running back to his room to slurp down a gallon shake of peanut butter, creatine, and skim milk while simultaneously P90-Xing before showering, shaving his chest, and covering himself in Axe Body Spray.
“Close Your Eyes and Hold on Tight” Emily and her braided bangs read. “Love is in the Air Tonight” for Chantal O. Poor grammar aside, everyone screams and giggles and Michelle, of course, is pissed, as was Alli along with both of her front teeth.
Michelle manages to keep it together long enough to tell us that she’s going to be herself and simply hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys or apes. Frankly, I was surprised she understood the distinction between a monkey and an ape but that didn’t stop me from being sick of her. In the meantime, Chantal acts like a monkey and freaks out in her yoga pants and tank top while packing her giant red suitcase. Perhaps she forgot her period panties.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH CHANTAL O.
Womack interrupts the morning sectional couch chat in his coral knit shirt and blue just-above-the-knee shorts to take Chantal O. on an unoriginal date. Put one of those white hats with the yellow life preserver and the patent leather bills on him and he looked like a freaking boat captain. In the meantime, Emily patiently and politely (and hotly) listens to Michelle refer to Chantal O. as “egotistical” and we all knew that we were in for a strong dose of Michelle for the rest of the show. Insert another popping Lone Star cap.
Frankly, I was praying the she’d melt down enough to get her Susan Mayer look alike ass and her red suitcase sent back to Wisteria Lane on the first flight out of the country like Private Santiago was supposed to take from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba in A Few Good Men. We all know how that turned out.
Her daughter must be starving by now, for crying out loud. I swear, the only other toddler with less parental supervision is Dora the Explorer who, ironically, spends most of her time running around the jungle with a Spanish speaking squirrel and a monkey named Boots.
Chantal O. introduces the “I’m scared emotionally and physically” theme of the episode as Brad tells her that they’re going zip lining “Six (insert two second pause) Hundred (insert two second pause) Feet off the ground. Undaunted, Chantal O. embraces the opportunity to do something adventurous and discounts—along with the entire resort staff and the Bachelor crew—the strong possibility of being struck by lightening while riding a metal wire above the tree line in a thunderstorm. Good for her.
In the second dirtiest line of the evening tells Brad, “I’ll see you on the other side . . . nice and wet.” Still reeling from that zinger, I almost missed when Chantal O. followed that up with a “it’s definitely a different position for me to have my legs wrapped tightly around Brad.” Of course, not the same can be said for the bartender she met in her hometown at TGI Fridays shortly after her divorce while drowning the pain of life’s failures in a giant strawberry margarita glass. He was nice enough to take her back to her car the morning after the one night stand, but showed his true colors by never calling her again. Divorce is a b*tch.
I think we all now know what the “O” in Chantal O. stands for, don’t we? No doubt about it. Truly, we do. I mean that. Really. Please, feel free to say the word “orgasm.” Thank you. I mean that. I really do. Sexual innuendos aside, they seemed to have a good time. Chantal was fun, low maintenance, and happy to be there. By the way, I always thought an “innuendo” was an Italian suppository. Ba bum bum. I’ll be here all week.
Back at the suite the sun rises over Mt. Estrogen and the second date card arrives. “Love Springs Eternal” it reads as Michelle, Emily, Fivehead, Britt, Jackie, and Shawntel learn that they’re headed on a group date. Alli and her teeth bristle with excitement as Britt sits there silently looking like she could not care less.
Back on the big date, Chantal and Mr. Thank You head down to the river for dinner as they “oh my God” each other to death. Chantal looked really pretty in her strappy, tie dye, location-appropriate dress. Unfortunately for her, it begins to rain on her strappy, tie dye, location-appropriate dress and she and Brad run away where they break into a local hotel room conveniently stocked with booze and Brad’s spare white oxford shirts. Of course, Michelle gloats at the possibility that the rain ruined their date, proving that she has no imagination.
Chantal nudes it up and dons “Brad’s” white oxford shirt a la Rebecca DeMornay in Risky Business as Brad drops his fifth “good God” before temporarily leaving the room in order to tend to his erection.
Refreshed, Brad returns to share his feelings before asking her to share her feelings and warning her not to get all crazy like she did back in Vegas. Chantal takes the hint and moves in for a kiss. Brad drops a “this could happen every night.” Really? What is the probability of Chantal ending up in a strange hotel room after her dinner al fresco is ruined by a Costa Rican thunderstorm naked from the waist down covered only by the oversized, white, starched, oxford shirt of some man she hardly knows?
In the pursuit of truth—well, actually out of sheer curiosity--I Googled “Costa Rican rainfall” and learned that a place called Hacienda Cedral in Costa Rica holds the record for most number of days with rainfall in a year at 359. F*ck me. It turns out the chances of Chantal ending up in a strange hotel room after her dinner al fresco is ruined by a Costa Rican thunderstorm naked from the waist down covered only by the oversized, white, starched, oxford shirt of some man she hardly knows are better than I thought. Touche, Farmer’s Almanac. Props to Womack for using his reference materials.
Brad lets us know that he respects Chantal’s rough patch. I wonder if he prefers that she waxes it before the Fantasy Suite date. Alright, that was a tad uncalled for but relax. Chantal and her rough patch got a rose.
GROUP DATE
After some shots colorful birds and some colorful complaining by Michelle about group dates, the women arrive at Pure Track Canyoning and begin to gear up in order to “repel” down a waterfall. I hoped they all adequately applied mosquito “rappellent.” Jackie lets us know that she’s SO afraid of heights that she won’t even go on a Ferris wheel. What? I was going to Google “Jackie and Ferris wheel” but I was afraid I’d find out that she had an opportunity to ride one 359 days a year. I let it go.
Brad comforts everyone—poorly—and Michelle gets bitchy again because Brad promised to never rappel or repel with anyone but her for the rest of his life. I found her entire tantrum “rappulsive.” Let’s be fair to Brad. It was a pretty reasonable assumption that he’d do very little rappelling in the future when that promise was made. Credit the Producers for organizing this little outing in order to F it up for him.
Shawntel makes a bid for the date rose and volunteers to go first followed quickly by the heretofore mute Britt. Brad says he likes a girl who’s “adventurous.” Translation: low maintenance. Trust me. That’s what he meant. Eventually, all the women go and even Jackie manages to overcome her fears and Michelle’s evil looks and bitchy comments in order to and descend below. We can only hope that Michelle is confronted on the After the Final Rose show with the juxtaposition of her skyscraper tantrum and her nasty comments about Jackie being afraid in Costa Rica.
Brad—who apparently left his balls back at the resort—caves in to Michelle’s incessant, manipulative complaining and descends the wall with her as the other women look up their rear ends and overanalyze the situation. Well, everyone but Emily who patiently fixed her snow white braid and stood their making the waterfall look ugly.
Everyone leaves the waterfall and heads to a hot spring for some gratuitous bikini shots and a semi-pornographic shot of Brad de-shirting. Based on that shot it appears that someone at ABC has been receiving and paying attention to www.ihategreenbeans.com Lincee Ray’s letters. Michelle classes is up by commenting that seeing Brad take off his shirt makes her want to go back to the hotel and f*ck. Nice. You have to love a Lady, don’t you?
I immediately pictured her daughter asking, “Mommy, how was I conceived” before Michelle explained that she happened to eye the pool guy taking his shirt off one day and just had to hook up with him. God bless that little girl. I can only hope Michelle stops thinking about herself long enough to stop by the local gift shop and pick her up a “My Mommy Abandoned Me to Slut it Up Across the Globe and All I Got was Malnutrition and this Stupid T-Shirt” shirt.
Britt eventually speaks and acts like she cares about the stray rose lying around. Brad—way too conscious of the “I need to feel special” psychosis infecting the entire herd—pulls Jackie aside to congratulate her on making it down the waterfall. Jackie fumbles the ball by mentioning the tandem rappel with Michelle and Brad’s face deflated like a tack- filled tire.
Back at the suite, Chantal and Alli pound bottles of wine as they wait for the big date card to arrive. “Meet Me at the Altar” it reads and the women speculate about its deeper meaning.
Back at the hot springs the air is rife with steam and speculation and Michelle proves that she puts the “manic” in “romantic” by complaining some more about not getting what she wants. I was so bored with her at that point, I wished she would pull a Roz and hook up with some dude from the production crew.
Brad pulls Emily aside and they tell each other how scared they are before Emily cops to pulling away from potentially good relationships and sabotaging them for fear of getting too close. Bless her hot, Southern, emotionally scarred, little braid. Brad pushes the Emily story line forward and pretends that he doesn’t melt like a pat of butter on a bowl of hot, North Carolina, grits every time he looks at her. Did I mention that Emily is hot? Of course I did.
In the meantime, a drunken Alli and Chantal “discover” a beetle placed carefully on the table by the Producer’s intern in order to establish Alli’s over-the-top irrational fear of bugs. She lets out a blood-curdling scream as Brad sits in the hot springs with Michelle and listens to her bitch about Chantal and “how hard it is to” whatever. He looked extremely fed up with her but handled the situation diplomatically. Frankly, I would have dunked her head under water and held it there right before she passed out.
An exhausted Brad loses his cool a little bit and chastises the “ladies” for their childish behavior before removing the possibility of a Safety Rose and sending them all to their rooms without their dinner in order to think about what they’ve done and make a list of their priorities.
True story: When I was in high school I hammered my friend for two weeks until I eventually talked him into streaking the annual Powder Puff Football Game between the cheerleaders and the drill team in front of the entire community. He did and got caught the next day when the rumor mill made its way back to the front offices.
He had the stones to keep his co-conspirators unidentified despite getting the standard “we already know who they are” speech from our Principal. His punishment from his parents was to make a list of his priorities and then sit in his room and think about them every day for two weeks. I remember joking with him saying that his first priority on the list should be “Don’t Get Caught Streaking Again.” Annnnyyyyhooo . . .
ALLI’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE
As Alli brushes her fence teeth and applies spackle to her face to get ready for her much anticipated one-on-one with Brad, we are reminded that she truly puts the “man” in “romantic.” Seriously, Tom Sawyer could have tricked half the neighborhood into white washing those teeth. She makes Marie Osmond look like Leon Spinks.
Brad eventually—and inexplicably—shows up in his green linen shirt riding a horse with another horse and two ponies in tow and drops a “hullo, ladies.” He was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard at a father and son baseball game. Seriously, he looked like Douche Quixote.
Alli shows up, compares teeth with her horse, and eventually saddles up in order to head toward a dark, watery cave teeming with her biggest fear. If there was ever any doubt if the “what are you most afraid of” question appeared on this season’s application, I think it was settled here. They arrive and explore the cave as Brad showers Alli in insincere praise before she sees a spider and throws a screaming fit. I think we all knew that Alli was headed for the limo, but this certainly confirmed it.
Brad and Alli sit down for a chemistry-less dinner by the hot spring and he “Thank Yous” her for whatever she truly needed to be thanked for doing. She takes it in stride before having some marked difficulty cutting her chicken. Perhaps he should have gone with a bag of oats for the main course and some sugar cubes for dessert.
Alli seals her fate when after discussing my beloved Austin, Texas she tells Brad that she can’t see herself in a large city. Notwithstanding the fact that Austin feels like a small town and is the single most wonderful place on the earth to live, Brad abandons his attempt to sell her the relocation package that will undoubtedly come with his proposal and uses her “I’m comfortable around you” and “could hang out with you all day” statements against her in order to break the news that she’s headed to the glue factory.
By the way, I used to work at a glue factory. I had to quit, though. I couldn’t seem to separate myself from my co-workers. It was terrible. I often got stuck at work. I found myself in one sticky situation after another. Terrible, I tell you. I never really bonded with Management. Thank you. You’re fantastic.
Brad realizes that the table they are sitting at is beginning to sink into the hot spring. I half expected Alli to jump in the water and swim for the opposite shore in order to gnaw down a few trees and dam up the river. No such luck. It was a good thing too because the “we’re sinking” metaphor wouldn’t have been as effective.
Brad drops the F word (Friendship) and Alli begins to deal with the fact that she will not win, place, or show. No rose, means a free trip back to the airport and the house erupts with oohs, ahhs, and OMG’s as some tiny Costa Rican guy takes Alli’s saddle and bridle and loads them in the limo for her ride to the airport.
Look, I’ve been especially mean to Alli this season. The truth is she does seem like a decent person and she is attractive despite my best efforts to make it different. I thought she seemed fun and fairly easy going aside from the “person with the worst story gets the most attention” blast she launched across Emily’s hot bow last week. She had a good time and left with her dignity in tact. Good show, Alli.
An exhausted Brad retires to his sweet suite in order to get some rest and process the beating he’s taken from the emotionally needy women for the past two days. Just as he’s settling on to his balcony railing for a good self-reflective brood a knock at the door draws his attention. I prayed it was Harrison with a couple bottles of rum, some blow, and a few Costa Rican runaways he picked up at the local cantina. I’m sure Brad did too.
Brad realizes that his emotional beating is destined to continue as Michelle shows up uninvited (by Brad anyway) and proceeds to try and control and manipulate Brad with her boorish personality. Brad plays along but looked unimpressed right up until the moment she threw herself at him and he relented in an effort to shut her up and get her out of the room. That entire thing smacked of a set up. I was just glad that Michelle wasn’t an aspiring, albeit unsuccessful “country artist” with a cheesy song to repeatedly sing to anyone who would listen. They say that love don’t come easy. Apparently, desperation does.
COCK TAIL PARTY
Chantal, dressed in an odd silky leopard patterned cocktail dress, seemed to forget she possessed the only Safety Rose of the week by leading off the second guessing discussion that has become a staple during this season’s cocktail parties. Brad shows up looking tired and contractually obligated. He’s prepared himself in order to hear more “I’m scared” talk from all of the women before telling them that he's scared too. Whatever.
Brad and Emily sit in a hammock and she thoughtfully explains her earlier sabotage comments. Brad listens, reminds himself how hot she is, and moves on after admitting he thinks about her a lot. I do too, Brad. In fact, I thought about her this morning when I woke up. I actually pulled a muscle getting out of bed . . . about 200 times. I’ll be here all week, folks. Please, tip your waitstaff.
Chantal and her leopard costume fail to sit on her Safety Rose as she stirs the pot about who upset Brad’s apple cart. Gee, I wonder. Of course, this entire “investigation” occurs when Michelle is being told by Brad that she’s “scaring him . . . badly.” Look, we can knock on Brad’s wooden personality all day, but there is no chance in hell that I believe that he’s too dense to see that Michelle is certifiably whacko.
Rather than owning even the slightest bit of her behavior, Michelle gets defensive and attacks Brad. Again, he’s heard enough and simply lets her exhaust herself. It was like an emotional rope-a-dope. We all know she’s a ticking time bomb. Hell, the IRA could kidnap her and tape her to the bottom of an English tank. She’ll explode for real very soon. My guess is she sticks around to the final 4, but we’ll see. Brad looked pretty fed up with her bulls*it tonight and Britt is the only dress filler left.
Michelle reinforces her denial by telling us that she wants to be married and wants more children. At that moment Child Protective Services workers from Austin to Salt Lake City took comfort in knowing that they would have a hearty case load in years to come and the poor bastard who knocked her up in the first place grinned from ear to ear that she was no longer his problem before pausing and wondering where his daughter has been for 6 weeks.
Shawntel and Brad play the silent game as she perceptively realizes that some more ball busting is not going to earn her any points. She gets a good kiss out of it. I found it terribly ironic that the only girl to truly relate to Brad this week was the one girl who is accustomed to dealing with male stiffs for a living. (Remember, she’s the funeral director). Coincidence?
Michelle eventually admits to her Justin Rated “R”-esque sneak visit but owns it and won’t apologize. I’ll give her credit. It certainly didn’t win her points with the ladies, but she wasn’t humiliated on national television as she tried to escape the camera crew while walking through all of the landscaping in the resort amid voiceovers of damning voice mails she left a boyfriend back in Salt Lake City. I respect her commitment to her cause. Then again, Stalin was pretty adamant about his cause too. Details.
Chantal wisely uses the lack of an angle that the Safety Rose brings with it in order to get Brad alone and drop a few “I love yous” before Brad “thank yous” her. If she can keep the remaining lug nut on her tire in place long enough to make it to the Fantasy Suite, she should win. She’s been manic over the past couple of weeks, though, but I wonder how much of that is Producer instruction and how much is her own doing. I suppose we shall see.
Harrison FINALLY shows up with the ubiquitous champagne flute and butter knife to announce the rose ceremony in a black suit and tie. However, when he entered to announce the final rose he was in a gray suit with a purple tie. I wondered if getting too close to Brad on the way out of the room caused his suit to be soiled by an excess of Axe Body Spray. Then I remembered how magical Costa Rica is. Odd.
What’s up with Harrison this season? He’s more absent than Brad’s father. At any rate, Brad “thank yous” his way through another speech before handing out the five remaining roses.
1. Chantal (earned the Safety Rose)
2. Ashley H. (fivehead, she’s been consistent lately)
3. Emily (She could braid her freaking face and still be hot)
4. Britt (Dress filler. My bet is she and Michelle vie for the final spot next week)
5. Shawntel (cool, normal, fun but Brad’s not into her enough)
6. Michelle (ratings, ratings, ratings. She’ll make the final four if she’s not booted next week)
Brad boots Jackie and her underbite and we all knew it was the right decision. She’s an attractive, fun girl but he made the right choice. She’ll be fine when she goes back to wherever she’s from. Despite her teary doubts, there’s nothing wrong with her.
Well, there you have it. With the Amazing count at an exponentially increasing 79 and the Journey count at a relatively tame 20 we head to the island of Anguilla to finish Brad’s search for a woman who won’t nag him. Have a wonderful week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be in the Costa Rican rain forest ironing my white oxford shirt. DP
Other than the snow and a new tattoo (that’s number 7 if you’re scoring at home), I have nothing else to report. In case you’re wondering, the answer is “yes”. The shutting down of the city due to unusually cold weather was the main contributing factor to me running out and getting inked again. The answer to the other question bouncing around in your heads is “no”. I did not get a gothic cross the size of Delaware between my shoulder blades. Perhaps I’ll post the new art on my Facebook Fan Page later today. For you new readers, search “Guy in Austin” and you’ll find me. Also, my “real” job might be offering the opportunity for some travel in the near future and I’ll be posting some potential cities for my 2011 Meet and Greets. Stay tuned. With that said, let’s get to it.
We begin, of course, with the sweeping vistas of Costa Rica, the latest destination on our trek halfway around the world in search an American girl who’s ready to stop traveling in order to settle down. Go figure. Horses, monkeys, zip lines, and cave exploration lie in our future and Brad lets us know that after 6 weeks of this nonsense he’s still confused. Frankly, so am I, but I’d be willing to bet that Brad and I are confused for completely different reasons.
As he mopes around flexing, brooding, and self-reflecting while exploring wayward waterfalls, breathtaking beaches, and various vistas, we learn that Costa Rica is the perfect place to fall in love. As we’ll later learn, it’s also the perfect place for Chantal O. and Michelle to continue bitching at each other like a couple of magpies.
Brad copters his way around the vastness of it all telling us that Costa Rica is a “magical” place. Oddly enough, he proved himself right. When he entered the helicopter for his secluded ride of self-actualization his shirt was orange. When he emerged from the helicopter it was blue. At first I thought it was more irresponsible editing; however, the optimist in me prefers to credit the transformation to the magical nature of the island. Insert eye roll, popping Lone Star bottle cap, and deep sigh.
With Flipcams, scrunchies, seasonally appropriate attire, and a couple pairs of period panties packed for good measure the girls kiss Vegas goodbye. We cut next to the girls headed—or in Ashley’s case “fore-headed”—from Vegas to Costa Rica. Fivehead is ready to get “down and dirty” in the jungle with Brad. Jackie is fascinated the “luscious greenery all around” her and Emily invokes images of the rainforest as she sports some sort of Bo Derek braided bangs that looked fabulous on her hot, Southern, little head. I prayed for some shots of her running in slow motion down a lonely beach in search of love or whatever.
Everyone arrives at The Springs Resort and Spa in vibrant and colorful tank tops accented carefully with the ubiquitous thirty foot scarves that are apparently made unconditionally available to them. Alli shows us her giant beaver teeth and points out the giant volcano looming ominously over the resort like a Costa Rican Vesuvius over Pompeii.
I immediately pictured futuristic archaeologists discovering the soot-covered Springs Resort hundreds of years from now to find a pristinely preserved ashen caste of Emily which they would undoubtedly photograph, preserve, and examine in order to reach the undeniable conclusion that Costa Rica was an isolated country filled with incredibly hot women like that island that Wonder Woman came from. This conclusion, of course, would remain unchallenged for generations until they discovered Alli’s caste a mere 100 meters away.
It would be like when they discovered that the brontosaurus’ skull was not really it’s own skull but one found close by or when they finally reached the conclusion that certain hominoids were hunchbacked before someone finally figured out that the fossilized skeleton they’d been studying was actually disease ridden and therefore not indicative of the entire population. Annnnyyyyhoooo . . . .
Brad utters his unbelievably annoying “Hey Ladies, come join me . . .” catch phrase and the women swoon like gnats on a discarded sandwich as he escorts them to their room. Michelle says she can see how people could fall in love in Costa Rica. As we’ll find out later, she apparently can also see how a girl could stab another girl in the face with nail file in order to protect her territory. Like everyone else in yoga pants and a tank top, Michelle wonders about the imminent presentation of the first one-on-one date card.
Surprise. Brad “thank yous” everyone and drops the date card before running back to his room to slurp down a gallon shake of peanut butter, creatine, and skim milk while simultaneously P90-Xing before showering, shaving his chest, and covering himself in Axe Body Spray.
“Close Your Eyes and Hold on Tight” Emily and her braided bangs read. “Love is in the Air Tonight” for Chantal O. Poor grammar aside, everyone screams and giggles and Michelle, of course, is pissed, as was Alli along with both of her front teeth.
Michelle manages to keep it together long enough to tell us that she’s going to be herself and simply hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys or apes. Frankly, I was surprised she understood the distinction between a monkey and an ape but that didn’t stop me from being sick of her. In the meantime, Chantal acts like a monkey and freaks out in her yoga pants and tank top while packing her giant red suitcase. Perhaps she forgot her period panties.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH CHANTAL O.
Womack interrupts the morning sectional couch chat in his coral knit shirt and blue just-above-the-knee shorts to take Chantal O. on an unoriginal date. Put one of those white hats with the yellow life preserver and the patent leather bills on him and he looked like a freaking boat captain. In the meantime, Emily patiently and politely (and hotly) listens to Michelle refer to Chantal O. as “egotistical” and we all knew that we were in for a strong dose of Michelle for the rest of the show. Insert another popping Lone Star cap.
Frankly, I was praying the she’d melt down enough to get her Susan Mayer look alike ass and her red suitcase sent back to Wisteria Lane on the first flight out of the country like Private Santiago was supposed to take from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba in A Few Good Men. We all know how that turned out.
Her daughter must be starving by now, for crying out loud. I swear, the only other toddler with less parental supervision is Dora the Explorer who, ironically, spends most of her time running around the jungle with a Spanish speaking squirrel and a monkey named Boots.
Chantal O. introduces the “I’m scared emotionally and physically” theme of the episode as Brad tells her that they’re going zip lining “Six (insert two second pause) Hundred (insert two second pause) Feet off the ground. Undaunted, Chantal O. embraces the opportunity to do something adventurous and discounts—along with the entire resort staff and the Bachelor crew—the strong possibility of being struck by lightening while riding a metal wire above the tree line in a thunderstorm. Good for her.
In the second dirtiest line of the evening tells Brad, “I’ll see you on the other side . . . nice and wet.” Still reeling from that zinger, I almost missed when Chantal O. followed that up with a “it’s definitely a different position for me to have my legs wrapped tightly around Brad.” Of course, not the same can be said for the bartender she met in her hometown at TGI Fridays shortly after her divorce while drowning the pain of life’s failures in a giant strawberry margarita glass. He was nice enough to take her back to her car the morning after the one night stand, but showed his true colors by never calling her again. Divorce is a b*tch.
I think we all now know what the “O” in Chantal O. stands for, don’t we? No doubt about it. Truly, we do. I mean that. Really. Please, feel free to say the word “orgasm.” Thank you. I mean that. I really do. Sexual innuendos aside, they seemed to have a good time. Chantal was fun, low maintenance, and happy to be there. By the way, I always thought an “innuendo” was an Italian suppository. Ba bum bum. I’ll be here all week.
Back at the suite the sun rises over Mt. Estrogen and the second date card arrives. “Love Springs Eternal” it reads as Michelle, Emily, Fivehead, Britt, Jackie, and Shawntel learn that they’re headed on a group date. Alli and her teeth bristle with excitement as Britt sits there silently looking like she could not care less.
Back on the big date, Chantal and Mr. Thank You head down to the river for dinner as they “oh my God” each other to death. Chantal looked really pretty in her strappy, tie dye, location-appropriate dress. Unfortunately for her, it begins to rain on her strappy, tie dye, location-appropriate dress and she and Brad run away where they break into a local hotel room conveniently stocked with booze and Brad’s spare white oxford shirts. Of course, Michelle gloats at the possibility that the rain ruined their date, proving that she has no imagination.
Chantal nudes it up and dons “Brad’s” white oxford shirt a la Rebecca DeMornay in Risky Business as Brad drops his fifth “good God” before temporarily leaving the room in order to tend to his erection.
Refreshed, Brad returns to share his feelings before asking her to share her feelings and warning her not to get all crazy like she did back in Vegas. Chantal takes the hint and moves in for a kiss. Brad drops a “this could happen every night.” Really? What is the probability of Chantal ending up in a strange hotel room after her dinner al fresco is ruined by a Costa Rican thunderstorm naked from the waist down covered only by the oversized, white, starched, oxford shirt of some man she hardly knows?
In the pursuit of truth—well, actually out of sheer curiosity--I Googled “Costa Rican rainfall” and learned that a place called Hacienda Cedral in Costa Rica holds the record for most number of days with rainfall in a year at 359. F*ck me. It turns out the chances of Chantal ending up in a strange hotel room after her dinner al fresco is ruined by a Costa Rican thunderstorm naked from the waist down covered only by the oversized, white, starched, oxford shirt of some man she hardly knows are better than I thought. Touche, Farmer’s Almanac. Props to Womack for using his reference materials.
Brad lets us know that he respects Chantal’s rough patch. I wonder if he prefers that she waxes it before the Fantasy Suite date. Alright, that was a tad uncalled for but relax. Chantal and her rough patch got a rose.
GROUP DATE
After some shots colorful birds and some colorful complaining by Michelle about group dates, the women arrive at Pure Track Canyoning and begin to gear up in order to “repel” down a waterfall. I hoped they all adequately applied mosquito “rappellent.” Jackie lets us know that she’s SO afraid of heights that she won’t even go on a Ferris wheel. What? I was going to Google “Jackie and Ferris wheel” but I was afraid I’d find out that she had an opportunity to ride one 359 days a year. I let it go.
Brad comforts everyone—poorly—and Michelle gets bitchy again because Brad promised to never rappel or repel with anyone but her for the rest of his life. I found her entire tantrum “rappulsive.” Let’s be fair to Brad. It was a pretty reasonable assumption that he’d do very little rappelling in the future when that promise was made. Credit the Producers for organizing this little outing in order to F it up for him.
Shawntel makes a bid for the date rose and volunteers to go first followed quickly by the heretofore mute Britt. Brad says he likes a girl who’s “adventurous.” Translation: low maintenance. Trust me. That’s what he meant. Eventually, all the women go and even Jackie manages to overcome her fears and Michelle’s evil looks and bitchy comments in order to and descend below. We can only hope that Michelle is confronted on the After the Final Rose show with the juxtaposition of her skyscraper tantrum and her nasty comments about Jackie being afraid in Costa Rica.
Brad—who apparently left his balls back at the resort—caves in to Michelle’s incessant, manipulative complaining and descends the wall with her as the other women look up their rear ends and overanalyze the situation. Well, everyone but Emily who patiently fixed her snow white braid and stood their making the waterfall look ugly.
Everyone leaves the waterfall and heads to a hot spring for some gratuitous bikini shots and a semi-pornographic shot of Brad de-shirting. Based on that shot it appears that someone at ABC has been receiving and paying attention to www.ihategreenbeans.com Lincee Ray’s letters. Michelle classes is up by commenting that seeing Brad take off his shirt makes her want to go back to the hotel and f*ck. Nice. You have to love a Lady, don’t you?
I immediately pictured her daughter asking, “Mommy, how was I conceived” before Michelle explained that she happened to eye the pool guy taking his shirt off one day and just had to hook up with him. God bless that little girl. I can only hope Michelle stops thinking about herself long enough to stop by the local gift shop and pick her up a “My Mommy Abandoned Me to Slut it Up Across the Globe and All I Got was Malnutrition and this Stupid T-Shirt” shirt.
Britt eventually speaks and acts like she cares about the stray rose lying around. Brad—way too conscious of the “I need to feel special” psychosis infecting the entire herd—pulls Jackie aside to congratulate her on making it down the waterfall. Jackie fumbles the ball by mentioning the tandem rappel with Michelle and Brad’s face deflated like a tack- filled tire.
Back at the suite, Chantal and Alli pound bottles of wine as they wait for the big date card to arrive. “Meet Me at the Altar” it reads and the women speculate about its deeper meaning.
Back at the hot springs the air is rife with steam and speculation and Michelle proves that she puts the “manic” in “romantic” by complaining some more about not getting what she wants. I was so bored with her at that point, I wished she would pull a Roz and hook up with some dude from the production crew.
Brad pulls Emily aside and they tell each other how scared they are before Emily cops to pulling away from potentially good relationships and sabotaging them for fear of getting too close. Bless her hot, Southern, emotionally scarred, little braid. Brad pushes the Emily story line forward and pretends that he doesn’t melt like a pat of butter on a bowl of hot, North Carolina, grits every time he looks at her. Did I mention that Emily is hot? Of course I did.
In the meantime, a drunken Alli and Chantal “discover” a beetle placed carefully on the table by the Producer’s intern in order to establish Alli’s over-the-top irrational fear of bugs. She lets out a blood-curdling scream as Brad sits in the hot springs with Michelle and listens to her bitch about Chantal and “how hard it is to” whatever. He looked extremely fed up with her but handled the situation diplomatically. Frankly, I would have dunked her head under water and held it there right before she passed out.
An exhausted Brad loses his cool a little bit and chastises the “ladies” for their childish behavior before removing the possibility of a Safety Rose and sending them all to their rooms without their dinner in order to think about what they’ve done and make a list of their priorities.
True story: When I was in high school I hammered my friend for two weeks until I eventually talked him into streaking the annual Powder Puff Football Game between the cheerleaders and the drill team in front of the entire community. He did and got caught the next day when the rumor mill made its way back to the front offices.
He had the stones to keep his co-conspirators unidentified despite getting the standard “we already know who they are” speech from our Principal. His punishment from his parents was to make a list of his priorities and then sit in his room and think about them every day for two weeks. I remember joking with him saying that his first priority on the list should be “Don’t Get Caught Streaking Again.” Annnnyyyyhooo . . .
ALLI’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE
As Alli brushes her fence teeth and applies spackle to her face to get ready for her much anticipated one-on-one with Brad, we are reminded that she truly puts the “man” in “romantic.” Seriously, Tom Sawyer could have tricked half the neighborhood into white washing those teeth. She makes Marie Osmond look like Leon Spinks.
Brad eventually—and inexplicably—shows up in his green linen shirt riding a horse with another horse and two ponies in tow and drops a “hullo, ladies.” He was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard at a father and son baseball game. Seriously, he looked like Douche Quixote.
Alli shows up, compares teeth with her horse, and eventually saddles up in order to head toward a dark, watery cave teeming with her biggest fear. If there was ever any doubt if the “what are you most afraid of” question appeared on this season’s application, I think it was settled here. They arrive and explore the cave as Brad showers Alli in insincere praise before she sees a spider and throws a screaming fit. I think we all knew that Alli was headed for the limo, but this certainly confirmed it.
Brad and Alli sit down for a chemistry-less dinner by the hot spring and he “Thank Yous” her for whatever she truly needed to be thanked for doing. She takes it in stride before having some marked difficulty cutting her chicken. Perhaps he should have gone with a bag of oats for the main course and some sugar cubes for dessert.
Alli seals her fate when after discussing my beloved Austin, Texas she tells Brad that she can’t see herself in a large city. Notwithstanding the fact that Austin feels like a small town and is the single most wonderful place on the earth to live, Brad abandons his attempt to sell her the relocation package that will undoubtedly come with his proposal and uses her “I’m comfortable around you” and “could hang out with you all day” statements against her in order to break the news that she’s headed to the glue factory.
By the way, I used to work at a glue factory. I had to quit, though. I couldn’t seem to separate myself from my co-workers. It was terrible. I often got stuck at work. I found myself in one sticky situation after another. Terrible, I tell you. I never really bonded with Management. Thank you. You’re fantastic.
Brad realizes that the table they are sitting at is beginning to sink into the hot spring. I half expected Alli to jump in the water and swim for the opposite shore in order to gnaw down a few trees and dam up the river. No such luck. It was a good thing too because the “we’re sinking” metaphor wouldn’t have been as effective.
Brad drops the F word (Friendship) and Alli begins to deal with the fact that she will not win, place, or show. No rose, means a free trip back to the airport and the house erupts with oohs, ahhs, and OMG’s as some tiny Costa Rican guy takes Alli’s saddle and bridle and loads them in the limo for her ride to the airport.
Look, I’ve been especially mean to Alli this season. The truth is she does seem like a decent person and she is attractive despite my best efforts to make it different. I thought she seemed fun and fairly easy going aside from the “person with the worst story gets the most attention” blast she launched across Emily’s hot bow last week. She had a good time and left with her dignity in tact. Good show, Alli.
An exhausted Brad retires to his sweet suite in order to get some rest and process the beating he’s taken from the emotionally needy women for the past two days. Just as he’s settling on to his balcony railing for a good self-reflective brood a knock at the door draws his attention. I prayed it was Harrison with a couple bottles of rum, some blow, and a few Costa Rican runaways he picked up at the local cantina. I’m sure Brad did too.
Brad realizes that his emotional beating is destined to continue as Michelle shows up uninvited (by Brad anyway) and proceeds to try and control and manipulate Brad with her boorish personality. Brad plays along but looked unimpressed right up until the moment she threw herself at him and he relented in an effort to shut her up and get her out of the room. That entire thing smacked of a set up. I was just glad that Michelle wasn’t an aspiring, albeit unsuccessful “country artist” with a cheesy song to repeatedly sing to anyone who would listen. They say that love don’t come easy. Apparently, desperation does.
COCK TAIL PARTY
Chantal, dressed in an odd silky leopard patterned cocktail dress, seemed to forget she possessed the only Safety Rose of the week by leading off the second guessing discussion that has become a staple during this season’s cocktail parties. Brad shows up looking tired and contractually obligated. He’s prepared himself in order to hear more “I’m scared” talk from all of the women before telling them that he's scared too. Whatever.
Brad and Emily sit in a hammock and she thoughtfully explains her earlier sabotage comments. Brad listens, reminds himself how hot she is, and moves on after admitting he thinks about her a lot. I do too, Brad. In fact, I thought about her this morning when I woke up. I actually pulled a muscle getting out of bed . . . about 200 times. I’ll be here all week, folks. Please, tip your waitstaff.
Chantal and her leopard costume fail to sit on her Safety Rose as she stirs the pot about who upset Brad’s apple cart. Gee, I wonder. Of course, this entire “investigation” occurs when Michelle is being told by Brad that she’s “scaring him . . . badly.” Look, we can knock on Brad’s wooden personality all day, but there is no chance in hell that I believe that he’s too dense to see that Michelle is certifiably whacko.
Rather than owning even the slightest bit of her behavior, Michelle gets defensive and attacks Brad. Again, he’s heard enough and simply lets her exhaust herself. It was like an emotional rope-a-dope. We all know she’s a ticking time bomb. Hell, the IRA could kidnap her and tape her to the bottom of an English tank. She’ll explode for real very soon. My guess is she sticks around to the final 4, but we’ll see. Brad looked pretty fed up with her bulls*it tonight and Britt is the only dress filler left.
Michelle reinforces her denial by telling us that she wants to be married and wants more children. At that moment Child Protective Services workers from Austin to Salt Lake City took comfort in knowing that they would have a hearty case load in years to come and the poor bastard who knocked her up in the first place grinned from ear to ear that she was no longer his problem before pausing and wondering where his daughter has been for 6 weeks.
Shawntel and Brad play the silent game as she perceptively realizes that some more ball busting is not going to earn her any points. She gets a good kiss out of it. I found it terribly ironic that the only girl to truly relate to Brad this week was the one girl who is accustomed to dealing with male stiffs for a living. (Remember, she’s the funeral director). Coincidence?
Michelle eventually admits to her Justin Rated “R”-esque sneak visit but owns it and won’t apologize. I’ll give her credit. It certainly didn’t win her points with the ladies, but she wasn’t humiliated on national television as she tried to escape the camera crew while walking through all of the landscaping in the resort amid voiceovers of damning voice mails she left a boyfriend back in Salt Lake City. I respect her commitment to her cause. Then again, Stalin was pretty adamant about his cause too. Details.
Chantal wisely uses the lack of an angle that the Safety Rose brings with it in order to get Brad alone and drop a few “I love yous” before Brad “thank yous” her. If she can keep the remaining lug nut on her tire in place long enough to make it to the Fantasy Suite, she should win. She’s been manic over the past couple of weeks, though, but I wonder how much of that is Producer instruction and how much is her own doing. I suppose we shall see.
Harrison FINALLY shows up with the ubiquitous champagne flute and butter knife to announce the rose ceremony in a black suit and tie. However, when he entered to announce the final rose he was in a gray suit with a purple tie. I wondered if getting too close to Brad on the way out of the room caused his suit to be soiled by an excess of Axe Body Spray. Then I remembered how magical Costa Rica is. Odd.
What’s up with Harrison this season? He’s more absent than Brad’s father. At any rate, Brad “thank yous” his way through another speech before handing out the five remaining roses.
1. Chantal (earned the Safety Rose)
2. Ashley H. (fivehead, she’s been consistent lately)
3. Emily (She could braid her freaking face and still be hot)
4. Britt (Dress filler. My bet is she and Michelle vie for the final spot next week)
5. Shawntel (cool, normal, fun but Brad’s not into her enough)
6. Michelle (ratings, ratings, ratings. She’ll make the final four if she’s not booted next week)
Brad boots Jackie and her underbite and we all knew it was the right decision. She’s an attractive, fun girl but he made the right choice. She’ll be fine when she goes back to wherever she’s from. Despite her teary doubts, there’s nothing wrong with her.
Well, there you have it. With the Amazing count at an exponentially increasing 79 and the Journey count at a relatively tame 20 we head to the island of Anguilla to finish Brad’s search for a woman who won’t nag him. Have a wonderful week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be in the Costa Rican rain forest ironing my white oxford shirt. DP
Great post DP. I enjoyed as always. Your insight and passion is second to none. I always enjoy the show, but your blog is the real reason I stay tuned. Let me start by saying that I’ve got a little bone to pick with some of the ladies. Throughout this season of The Bachelor I’ve been reading all of the female “Some Guy In Austin” followers posts about Michelle. She’s crazy, nuts, etc ……all pretty much deserving. Everyone is piling on. However, she’s probably the one person best suited for Brad out of the whole bunch. Not to say that she’s the one Brad should end up marrying, but then again none of these girls are. Before the claws come out, let me explain. As a 40 year old male loyal follower of this blog, I have to say that as a middle aged man (about the same age as Brad) I could not imagine taking any of these twenty-something bimbos as a bride. Now, if I were 30 yrs old or younger I would obviously be little less skeptical. I’m happily married, but if I were a successful 40 yr old bachelor looking for love I would find myself looking from something more than cute girls who still work for daddy or women with baggage who, after a tragedy suffered in her teens, still finds herself trying to “sabotage relationships and push men in her life away from her (sorry DP). Those were games that I played in my late twenty’s and had no problem dealing with, but not something that I would have the time or patience to tolerate at 40 years old. I understand that the show needs to cast beautiful women to make the show more appealing to the mass public. I also understand that the playing field narrows if you limit the casting crew to selecting women in their late 30’s to early forty’s. However, there are plenty of hot women (and more mature I might add) in their early 30’s, which would be much more suited for someone of Brad’s age. The casting crew failed miserably. I guess my point is that I see all of the readers piling on Michelle for being “cut throat” or acting “crazy”. Hell, before I was married, if I were trying to get a woman to fall in love with me and had to watch her make out with 10 other men I would probably act a little crazy myself. At least she knows what she wants and has no problem telling Brad and all of the other women in the house that he is all that she cares about and the other girls are mere obstacles. The rest of the young girls left are more in love with their best friend in the house or breaking down in tears because Brad is not paying enough attention to them or wanting someone to coddle them because they are scared and apprehensive of the latest adventure on the group date or has problems taking their walls down or (the best yet) “I sabotage good relationships” (Sorry again DP – Emily is weak)…..Jesus!! My 6 year old daughter is easier to pacify. Having to spend the rest of my life spoiling one of these glorified teenagers would require more ‘intense therapy” than Brad’s life coaches are able to provide. Maybe the remaining girls should all take a clue from Michelle…make Brad feel like a man and not a caregiver. I would rather see Brad pick Michelle and party with her for a few weeks than subject himself to any of the remaining crop of college cheerleaders. Good luck Brad….you’re going to need it. MH
ReplyDeleteWELL DONE! Period panties, souvenir t-shirts, pulling muscles! Lots of laughs!
ReplyDeleteMH, props on the passionate response. I tend to agree with most of it, but I comment on what I see before me. My problem with Michelle is not that she's agressive or forthcoming, it's that she's two-faced and intentionally mean. With that said, I do agree that the age and experience difference between Brad and most of these women is a recipe for disaster. Thanks for another male perspective. I'm curious to read the upcoming comments. DP
ReplyDeleteDP, solid as usual! Hey, P90X is awesome and I am sure that is how Brad got those muscles.
ReplyDeleteLoved the reference to: Period panties, Risky Business, souvenir shirts and well pretty much everything.
OK, so Emily is so mature for her age. I disagree with the other reader...she had a tragic thing happen in her life at a young age. She has experienced more things in her 20's than most people do in thier 50's. I think she has a lot to offer someone (Probably you agree) and she just needs to feel confident that she can love again even if it means losing.
Michelle is CRAZY! Like I always say, they may edit things, but those girls still say all of that. My 7-year-old even said last night "Mom, Michelle is so mean to all the other girls and they try to be nice to her" HELLO! Vienna was mean all the time to everyone. I think they are playing up the Michelle vs. Chantal thing. I really don't think they like each other because Michelle can see the connection he has with Chantal. Brad even looks annoyed when he talks to her.
Come on, from a guys persepective you mean to tell me you guys like nagging women?? PLEASE!! She is a whiner and nagger! She needs to leave sooner rather than later. Kim in Nevada
"slurp down a gallon shake of peanut butter, creatine, and skim milk while simultaneously P90-Xing before showering, shaving his chest, and covering himself in Axe Body Spray" You are so funny! And handsome! :)
ReplyDeleteAlli comparing her teeth with her horse. I don't know why I am still laughing at that. Well done. The paragraph explaining what the "O" stands for. Classic. Could have done without the muscle pulling image though. I'm just sayin.
ReplyDeleteCariss
Oh yeah, so glad you pointed out Brad tending to his erection. Hilarious. The perv editors did a good job of eluding to that. Did you notice that Brad called Chantal "Shawntel" when he gave her the safety rose? Guess that is why she fell in love with him when he finally got her name right at the rose ceremony.
ReplyDeleteCariss
As hilarious as you always are, i have to disagree and say that Ashley is also a dress filler.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone else feel like they missed a bleep when Chantal was yelling about the bug. Sounded like she said F----.
ReplyDeletewhat about Michelle's hair in the copy cat braid.....nice!
ReplyDeleteOK seriously, was it just me….or did they purposely give Alli the really little horse so that she looked like an Amazon riding the kiddie carousel? It looked like the horse was about to break in half from bearing her weight on it. At least Brad’s was more proportionate to his size, but my gosh, when I saw her riding that thing I was cringing, thinking “OMG, I would kill the producers for making me look like the female version of Thor on the back of My Little Pony”.
ReplyDeletePrivate Santiago, muscle pulling, oats and sugar cubes, the 'magic' of Costa Rica - so much to love. Thanks for delivering early this week.
ReplyDeleteAnn in Denver
Nice job again. You never fail to make me giggle out loud. To be honest, they are all a bit crazy. Seriously, you don't generally expect to find a woman with no emotional issues, relatively mature and emotionally stable who is willing to go on a television show where she and 20 other women are dating the same man. Honestly, as much as I do think Emily is one of/the most attractive and possibly the most emotionally intact woman on the show, WHO IN THE WORLD LEAVES THEIR CHILD FOR SIX WEEKS OR LONGER FOR THIS? I am my thirties and single and I can promise you that I would NEVER leave my baby to parade around the world for any man, especially one that I had never met. You mentioned priorities earlier, maybe some of these ladies should rexamine theirs.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I love that you actually know who Dora the Explora hangs out with!
I have to agree with MH on this one....
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised these girls even NEED 'period panties' they are so young! I was excited (at first) to see their ages finally posted, and while it certainly explains their immaturity levels (the 'quiet game, seriously?) it (almost) made me feel a little bit sorry for them. Not only do I not think they look as good as they could (ok, should) for early-mid 20's, but I also thought how sad it is that they have so many issues in such a short amount of time! Real life hasn't even started yet and these girls are dropping the "I'm never good enough" bombs. Good enough to what? "Win" a guy that clearly has more issues than Time magazine, who is a bar owner in a town full of college girls, yet he's taking a Mulligan to find a wife on a reality show (unbeknownst to the girls b/c they were probably at a pep-rally during his first go-round), and I'd be willing to bet has a temper
as unpredictable as Texas weather. His mouth is saying one thing (well, actually three) "please", "thank you", and "truly"....but his eyes are sending a totally different message! I'm betting "therapy" is code for "anger management". (Roid rage, perhaps?)
I do agree with you about Emily's hotness, however, I doubt she's being portrayed in this golden ray of sunshine you see as a halo unless the ink was already dry prior to editing that contractually obligates her resuscitate this show as the next Bachelorette.
With that being said (because I never hear this enough as a paralegal ~insert rolling eyes~), if someone like Emily needs a reality show to find a husband, then one must assume ABC is using a lot of smoke and mirrors until they can cash in on her for what could only be 'The Most Shocking Bachelorette In History'.....
Book
This may be your funniest ever. I was laughing out loud the whole time. Best lines:
ReplyDelete1. Chantal's rough patch being waxed before the Fantasy Suite date.
2. Brad as uncomfortable on the horse as a bastard at a father/son baseball game.
3. All of the Alli horse comments (shame on you) but especially when she didn't get the rose and "headed for the glue factory".
4. You thought about Emily this morning and pulled a muscle... about 200 times.
5. Brad tending to his erection
Too damn funny! You and Lincee are the ONLY reasons to watch this show.
To Kim in Nevada - As I mentioned in my previous post..I agree that Michelle is deserving of most of the criticism. You are also correct to assume that no man enjoys nagging. To reiterate, Brad should not marry any of the ladies. The producers did a poor job of selecting women that would be compatible with someone of Brad's age. The younger girls immaturity and their constant quest to have their feelings validated or their need to sabotage working relationships make them just as unappealing as Michelle. Michelle may come across as mean spirited, but it was Alli and some of the other girls,not Michelle, that were caught on camera making snide references to Emily and her time spent with Brad. If I were Brad, I would take advantage of the three fantasy dates with Michelle, Emily and Chantal then after three "magical" evenings of sexual bliss, I would pack my bags like a thief in the night and catch the first flight back to Austin, Texas. How would that be for the "Most Controversial Season Yet"? Why a wealthy, good looking guy needs to appear on two reality shows, go through three years of intense therapy and hire a life coach to find someone to fall in love with is above and beyond anyting that I am capable of understanding. I guess life just comes easier for some of us. I was only good looking when I met my lovely wife over 10 years ago. MH
ReplyDeleteBook, solid observations. I love the pep rally and anger management smack. MH, perhaps you should fly to L.A., beat up Dr. Jamie, and take his place. Sounds like you've got a second career as a life coach in your future. Welcome to the fray, boys. It's nice to have some new readers chime in but it's always wonderful to hear from the regulars. DP
ReplyDeleteActually have a favorite line this week: "They say that love don’t come easy. Apparently, desperation does."
ReplyDeleteObviously, Michelle's nuts, but Chantal seems like a royal bitch, so frankly, I'm not on either one's side.
Love it, as always, DP. :)
hate to nitpick... but costa rica is not an island
ReplyDeleteDP, I think you might be on to something. DP know's me well. I've know "Some Guy" since we were kids. In fact we grew up just a few blocks from each other. Back in the day and through part of my adult life there was never any doubt who the alpha dog was within the circles that I ran. So, assuming that I would fly to LA to extinguish Dr. Jamie would not be a stretch in the past. However, a great marriage to a wonderful woman and having a beautiful little girl of my own has put me, like DP, in touch with a more feminine side and I would hope that I could refrain from manhandling Brad's life coach. With that said, I do think Brad could benefit from some simple MH counsel. My advise for the bachelor would be:
ReplyDeleteGo on the show, get paid and have a great time with all of these women. Don't worry about who is there for the right reasons and if you run the risk either not finding true love or picking the wrong "soul mate". You are receiving a 30 day paid vacation with hot women and traveling the world. I would have killed my best friend for an opportunity like this when I was single. If things don't work out, end the relationship like normal couples do and ask someone else out. When things don't work out, don't call me for any more advise. This session is on me, but from this day forth you are on your own. The next time you feel sad, look into the mirror and say, "I am a man and I will stand on my own two feet". I would obviously approach the situation different if it were my little girl that was lovesick, but as a man in his late thirties, I believe that whole therapy/life coach approach is overkill and a load of crap. -MH
dma, I believe I refer to Costa Rica as Costa Rica "an isolated country filled with incredibly hot women." If you're referring to the "magical nature of the island" comment, I believe it was Brad who referred to it that way. Still, after rereading it, you have a point. Thanks for nitpicking. Fair is fair. Even SGIA is prone to a mistake at 3am. Thanks for reading so carefully. DP
ReplyDelete@BOOK: I agree if someone who seems as sweet and earnest and nice and smart and is attractive as Emily is needs this crappy show to find a man, than every other single woman in America is toast! What is she DOING on this show? I was so disappointed when she kissed Brad and said she had feelings for him - I was like "honey, no! He is pathetic and I don't even know you and you are so obviously too too good for him adn this terrible, pathetic 'dating' show." I hope she isn;t the next Bachelorette because really why is she trying to go on TV to find love when she can clearly AT 24 go about it the old fashioned way. ANd if you really have that much trouble meeting people try Eharmony first for crying out loud!!
ReplyDeleteAnd also, Chantal really weirded me out with that whole "I love you" thing. EW I thought she seemed normal - now I am having second thoughts. Frankly I think she is just immature and doesn't know what dating is like and is confusing love with INFATUATION.
Wow, my 7 yr old was sitting on the couch playing Pokemon on his DS when he looks up listens to Michelle rant for a moment - looks back down at his DS and says: She's just jealous!! I fell over, didn't know he knew the word jealous!! He's just a smart kid - born in Austin TX!!! Thanks for the laughs some guy. Always enjoy your blog!!!
ReplyDeleteSo many great lines, and there is less of Harrison lately.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite of the read:
the strong possibility of being struck by lightening while riding a metal wire above the tree line in a thunderstorm. Good for her.
MH - I enjoyed reading your comments, and I get the gist of it. (I'm single an in my early 30's btw) I see the one turn off though - when she sits there demanding that he do things 'her way.' Lately I've heard guys say they like the have a 'b*tch' as a girlfriend. I get strong, independent woman but who wants to be bossed around? Just my two cents.
Thanks allaboutclassicpostitnotes. I agree with you.....Michelle is extremely pushy, too demanding and very bossy. I guess for Brad it boils down to picking his poison or the lesser of two evils. MH
ReplyDeleteHey MH, you said you've known DP since you were kids? Hmmm, any 'fessing up you want to do about a certain Powder Puff football game incident??
ReplyDeleteLoved the whole series of horse references with Alli, (win, place or show -- haa!!) and you're right, she is really quite attractive ... tough having to be in the same room with someone who looks like Emily.
My favorite line: “My Mommy Abandoned Me to Slut it Up Across the Globe and All I Got was Malnutrition and this Stupid T-Shirt” shirt.
I've had the blog post up all day, keep reading a few graphs at a time to break up the work day. Thanks for another great afternoon of reading!!
This blog is delicious! I've been guffawing at my desk throughout the read. I have an issue too with the casting - are you telling me the crew cannot locate any hot 30-40 yr camera readies out there? They must not be looking too hard in their own backyard i.e. So Cal. And if Brad is such a catch, maybe he should try match.com or eharmony next time...
ReplyDeleteThanks DP for the great post, I was super excited to see it when I got to work this morning! It really is the most exciting part of watching this whole stupid show.
ReplyDeleteYou can tell by how passionate some of your readers responses are that what you say really rings true with what we are thinking.
Please, truly, I mean it, keep the laughs coming. Thank you, I mean it, I really do!
Douche Quixote. Heheh.
ReplyDeleteSo, so good this week! Laughed hard at all the Alli zingers! Poor girl. I hope she never stumbles upon your blog. She probably doesn't know just how fence-like her teeth really are.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad someone mentioned the tiny little horse that was brought for her.
What a douche!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.facebook.com/ryanmoney
To Clare - LOL....I remember the incident well, however I was not present. MH
ReplyDeleteMH-Thanks for the reply. I am also happily married in my mid-thirties and I can tell you that any man HATES nagging and I really think Michelle is either acting or she is that way in real life it's just by now they would have already had woopie. She is sexually frustrated with Brad and to think she will never "have" him.
ReplyDeleteI must say I totally agree with the whole therapy thing. Grow a pair and learn to deal with life. That is the biggest turn off for me to know that a grown man has so many issues. Life sucks sometimes, but move on and get over it. It's only what you make of it and what you learn from your past.
I must say that it's refreshing to hear a guys perspective and you do a great job. Of course I think you should write a complimentary blog and share some good stories about DP!! Kim in Nevada
hartamber, that poor horse probably has a protruding disk now. anon., thanks for the link on Michelle's ex. We shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but that's a pretty douchey cover. The guy looks like Vanilla Ice. However, he hasn't voluntarily thrown himself into the spotlight, so I'm going to refrain on commenting. I can be mean sometimes, but I try and reserve that for the people who put themselves in front of the camera. DP
ReplyDeleteChantal seems a bit off to me. Homegirl was with a guy for 10 years, divorceed less than 1, and in love with Brad after 2 dates? That's just weird. Coupled with the crying and mood swings...I'm just not feeling her. But Brad strikes me as the type who loves the ladies who bring the crazy.
ReplyDeleteMichelle is cra cra and a good actress. My guess is she recognizes how well Chantal is playing the game.
I found myself shaking my head at a lot of your comments thinking "I can't believe he said that" and then at the same time LMAO because the whole post was pretty damn hilarious this week. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteBest post to date!!! LOTS of amazing lines ... these were my favorites:
ReplyDelete~ Chantal's rough patch
~ pulled a muscle... about 200 times
~ and ... Brad tending to his erection
So insightful - and hilarious!
Lisa in Texas
DID YOU ORDER A CODE RED ON PRIVATE SANTIAGO?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteHere's my challenge for next week's post: insert 5 movie references that actually work and see fi your readers can pull them out. The more obscure the movie the better.
Does anyone else see that Dora the Explora' is a drug smuggler? She's always on an "adventure" to transport a "package" while being stalked by a person who is obviously trying to build a case against Dora's drug trafficking business.
Overall, DP, you make this show bearable and bring some lighthearted reading to my Wednesday nights. Thanks.
kevin, YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DID! Brilliant idea. I've also thought about doing a theme post like throwing all references from a particular genre or song or movie, etc. I'll think on it. Interesting observation about Dora. You might be on to something. Perhaps the border patrol should check inside the seats of Tico the Squirrel's car. DP
ReplyDelete@ MARY:
ReplyDeleteI think they are spinning Emily's story in the most positive direction possible. Yes, DP, she's HOT, and I'm not denying that at all, BUT would the same story be as sad-as-a-Lifetime-movie without the hot/rich/almostfamous factors involved?
Hmmm, let's compare: Imagine a not-so-hot ("NSH") girl that's 18 years old, whose parents have allowed her to date (for a "long time") a dirt track driver ("DTD") located just outside the city limits, and who just happens to like girls 6 years younger than him & still in high school (coughstatutoryrapecough), but mom & step-dad number 4 are ok with it because, hell, let's face it, they have no plans of paying for her to go and most likely drop out of cosmetology school. So, one day "NSH" ("not-so-hot") and "DTD" ("dirt track driver") break-up for the 568th time and "NSH" decides not to go watch him race that day cause she'd rather go stare at the hot guys at Buckle, because deep in her southern heart she knows they'll be a manager some day.
Meanwhile, back at the dirt track, "DTD" has kicked-back one too many Lonestars (who are we kidding, he was drinking PBR's) (duh, Pabst Blue Ribbon) and hits the wall. "NSH" ignores the calls from his friends b/c she's hitting up the panty bin at Forever 21 (don't hate, 5 pair for $10!), until word spreads from the manager at Wet Seal that "DTD" is now racing in heaven. After a full six days of crying over "DTD", "NSH" is ready to live again, but can't figure out why her ABJ's (apple bottom jeans people, come on!) are tighter than even she wanted them to be. She hits up the Dollar General for a 2dollar pregnancy test and tells her besties that "DTD" and her were like totally gonna get hitched like as soon as he paid off the lift-kit he just put on his Chevy. As if things couldn't get any worse upon passing her first test ever (you guessed it, a pregnancy one), "NSH" realizes she doesn't even qualify for "16 & Pregnant". Hoping to still make the cut for "Teen Mom", they producers (some of who may or may not be related to 'The Bachelor' production team) decide they'll help her find a baby daddy instead.
With the help of upper veneers and Clairol Platinum Blonde #306, they perform a total make-over just in time to get even with the Ultimate Bachelor Brad who had the nerve to reject both girls after living in the lap of luxury for 30 days on their dime, and now wants a do-over. Mix in a couple of "I'm never good enough" Ashley's and a crazy-but-hot-Michelle that is more than happy to steal the spotlight (after all, she IS a thespian), and Bombshell (the-girl-formerly-known-as- Not-So-Hot) gets a spring-break do-over and ABC gets their much anticipated chance for revenge on Brad, who coincidently is 'dumber-than-dirt' so "BS" (Bombshell) won't even have to have her "DTD" ("Dirt Track Driver and/or "Dumber Than Dirt") tatoo laserd off at ABC's expense.
BUT WAIT? The Most Anticipated Bachelorette In History is about to debut....b/c "BS" decided she deserves her 15 minutes of fame to make up for all those high school dances she missed out on while out at the track. Feeling as though little Danika Patrick Jr. will just fine in South Carolina for a few more weeks, "BS" will 'bless our sweet little hearts' as many times as Brad has uttered "please" and "thank you". She will. Truly. She really will. I do not doubt that for one minute. Honestly. I don't.
~ any persons, names or characters depicted in this fully made up story is merely a coincidence. Truly it is. I promise.~
Book
OMG...stop the press. I just saw "Some Guys" underwear modeling picture. Hello!!! The King lives...Elvis is in the building. I thought Brad was hot until I got a load of DP. Boyfriend you are all of that and a bag of chips. What I would give to have been the lense on that camera. -Derek
ReplyDeleteAlright, the moon is lined up weird or something. For a year and a half I don't get one male reader commenting. Now I've got a blog within the blog and a guy hitting on me! Funny how things turn around. Book, I appreciate the feedback, but brevity is a virtue and Derek, well, I suppose I'm flattered. I do appreciate the ladies, but it's always nice to be appreciated. Thanks to both of you for reading. It's nice to have new commenters and some male feedback in the mix. Oh, and Derek, If you'd like an autographed copy of that pic, let me know. I'm happy to oblige. DP
ReplyDeleteFunny. Real funny. Gnats on a discarded sandwich....coffee on computer screen.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE reading your commentary! Its absolutely great, funny and makes my day:)
ReplyDeletevery clever and humorous, as usual, DP! Forgot about that streaking incident in high school. Oh, the memories.
ReplyDelete