Hello and Happy Day After Valentine’s Day, Readers. I trust you all found something constructive to do on the most over-hyped holiday of the year. For the record, I believe it was Chaucer who sort of invented Valentine’s Day as a holiday for love birds. Up until he wrote about it, it was the Catholic Church’s way of celebrating several martyrs of that name; most of whom had their heads chopped off for one reason or another. Apparently, there were all sorts of superstitions surrounding the date. Well, at least until Hallmark got a hold of it and turned it into the organized guilt and extortion it is today.
Cynicism aside, whether it was underneath the sheets or underneath the weight of a couple of dozen bon bons and a bottle of wine, I hope all of you found what you were looking for on February 14th. Robert Frost said that “love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” I hope you all felt a bit of that yesterday in some capacity. I hope you all got some sort of whatnot from that special someone inscribed with a clever message like “without you my life would be like a broken pencil . . . pointless” or something equally as amusing.
Me? I ate salami from the package and watched the Bachelor while pounding back a six pack of Lone Star. It was perfect and—dare I say—romantic. The best part was that I didn’t have to buy myself an expensive trinket that I didn’t need and I didn’t have to cuddle with myself after it was all over.
Do me a favor and post your definition of a good husband on my Facebook Fan Page this week at “Guy in Austin.” My definition of a husband? That’s someone who carries pictures of his wife where his money used to be.
With that said, let’s get to it.
THE INTRO
We begin this week as we always do: by learning what we have in store for us this episode. Walks on the beach, Michelle melting down, Chantal melting down, Brad waking up the ladies, heartbreaking devastation, sexy bikini photo shoots, and, of course, crying. Frankly, I've seen less crying at a kids’ soccer game. I wondered if we’d see Michelle going rogue again and showing up at Brad’s room unannounced. To be fair, she probably misunderstood the concierge in the hotel lobby when he called the restaurant and let them know that Brad called down and wanted “room cervix.” Thank you, folks. Tip your wait staff.
We are quickly reminded that this week's destination is Anguilla, a British territory in the Caribbean. Apparently, it’s one of the most northerly of the Leeward Islands in the Lesser Antilles. Granted, that tells me absolutely nothing other than that it’s in the Caribbean somewhere, but it sounds fancy. Thank God we were treated to the super expensive ABC graphic showing us the giant plane traveling from Costa Rica all the way East to Anguilla.
Predictably, steel drum music plays in the background as we get canned shots taken by the Location Scouting Crew weeks before when they got to go to the island in order to confirm it was indeed a perfect place to fall in love. Convinced, they took some sweeping footage of the majestic cliffs and deep, blue ocean before phoning Harrison and giving him the thumbs up to reserve the ABC private jet.
We see all of the women arriving on a rented cigarette boat while bouncing up and down over the shallow coral reef just outside the island. They are convinced that Brad is already on the island. I’m certain that was either because he always arrives before they do or because the entire place smelled like salt water, marijuana, and Axe Body Spray.
None of the women looked like they were having any fun on the boat due to the fact that every time the boat bounced off the water they all got sprayed in the face. Well, except Michelle, who obviously has an incredible amount of experience getting sprayed in the face after bouncing up and down for a while.
The women thankfully arrive at the Cuisinart Resort and Spa. Isn't that a line of kitchenware and appliances? I had no idea they were into resorts as well. The women exit the boat in tight white shorts, white Capri pants, and various colorful versions of the skintight tank top with the built-in sports bra. They oooh and ahhhh the villa and speculate about the upcoming week’s events. Bored and almost through with my warm-up beer, I sighed and squirmed uncomfortably on my couch, and settled in like a hooker on dollar night preparing myself for an uncomfortable evening.
However, just when I was ready to give up, none other than Chris Harrison, our absent yet beloved host, appears draped in linen ready to actually perform his duties as more than honorary host this episode. Of course, it made sense that Harrison would jump on the first plane to a place like Anguilla in order to say his lines; however, I was so glad to have him back I instantly forgave him for his absence during the first six shows of the most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever.
Harrison addresses the ladies as we see a shot of Michelle's shirt which apparently has a picture of Emily's wings on it. It's a very important week he tells us. Three one-on-one dates and one group date will take place with only one rose being given out to a lucky girl. Britt finally talks saying that she wants the one-on-one date as all of the Bachelor professionals in the audience knew that she was headed out to sea to hit a metaphorical coral reef and sink like a damaged pirate ship in the waves. Hell, I was just happy that Britt would finally get a chance to do her Daryl Hannah from Splash impression. I looked forward to seeing her turn into a mermaid after all of this time.
Harrison flashes his fancy watch and his linen pants and drops the first date card. Shawntel reads, "three things I would bring to a deserted island." Of course, I immediately thought that I would bring Emily and both of her boobs. It appears that the producers agreed with me because Emily along with a picnic lunch and a bottle of champagne were selected for the date. I assumed that her two boobs were invited as well. The women bask in the shadow of Emily’s hotness as she drops a “See yawl een a leetle beet” before floating away to powder her halo and don some locationally appropriate attire.
Yes, I did read the “Emily’s plastic surgery” stuff in the “news” this week and no, I don’t care. Plastic surgery doesn’t bother me as long as it’s not excessive. If I’m being honest, I could live without the bleach blonde hair. However, that’s like saying I’d still drink Lone Star if they changed the color of the label. It would still be delicious and smooth and I’d still want 12 of them. For you non-Emily fans—or should I say ‘fan’?—don’t fret. I’ll deconstruct her eventually. For now, please let me have my moment.
EMILY DATE
Womack shows up with a stupid look on his face and actually refers to a hot tub full of unamused and bitchy women as a “bevy of beauties.” Please. What is it with these fun haters this season? I can’t recall a more miserable bunch of contestants. Hell, there’s not a lot anyone could do to me to make me pissed off if I got a month off of work, a per diem allowance, a free room at the nicest location in town, and unlimited access to alcohol and food. Journey my ass. I’d have a permanent smile plastered on my cheery freaking face even when I slept.
Brad and Emily depart as we get a shot of them walking. She sports a blue cover up with gold and silver trim on the collar and Brad sports his light blue V-neck T-shirt and blue shorts. I had visions of the Aflac duck saying “Womack!” as he walked down the path with his duck feet. I’m certain some of you noticed too. I know his father wasn’t there to buy him corrective shoes as a kid, but come on. Someone must have noticed that. Perhaps he had jock itch.
Brad and Emily settle in to a local bench in the middle of a field large enough to land a helicopter and share a champagne toast as Brad invents the pet name “Em” for Emily, adequately annoying us all. Surprisingly, a helicopter arrives and as Emily and Brad board on their way to their magical date. Brad dropped several flight metaphors relating to his relationship with Emily. “Predictable and boring,” I thought as I finished my second warm up Lone Star. At least I didn’t have to hear Michelle complain . . . for now anyway.
Emily and Brad arrive on the aptly but uncreatively named Sandy Island. Frankly, that thing should have been named Phallus Island or Penis Islet or something like that. Hermann Rorschach aside, that thing looked like a giant sex organ. I thought it was the perfect place to fall in love. I was relived to see that Emily and Brad had enough room for their picnic. I was a bit concerned at first when I saw the aerial shot of the island from the helicopter. I suppose if the island was too small, Emily could have just talked dirty to it and it would have gotten bigger.
At any rate, Brad and Emily exit the helicopter as we see more duck walking from Brad (WOMACK!—insert duck here) as he carries a white picnic basket desperately in search of some shade like a modern day Robinson Cru-Douche-oe. By the way, would it have killed the intern who put that basket together to include an umbrella? I was terrified that Emily’s wings would dry out.
I won’t belabor what was clearly later misrepresented as a perfect day. Emily and Brad talk a bit, swim, and he sets up the evening theme about meeting her daughter in Charlotte. I will say that I noticed a remarkable difference in his demeanor around her. For the men reading this, we’ve all been there. For guys like Brad—good looking guys that is—who are used to having women be receptive to him, it’s incredibly difficult to be with a woman as stunning as Emily and Brad showed it. He’s clearly enamored by her. They kiss and pray that the helicopter that picks them up has a cooler of ice water and aloe vera in it. I was bored, but it seemed like they had a decent time on Some Guy’s Junk Archipelago.
Back at the suite the women further set up the Emily’s daughter talk and just as Michelle is about to remember that she too has a daughter, the date card arrives sending everyone into a frothy, Pavlovian frenzy. Chantal reads, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla” and Shawntel wipes the foam from her mouth overjoyed and surprised at getting a date.
Clearly, she and Britt are on the bubble this week and if she passes the test we all know that Michelle is packing up Cybill and the rest of her personalities and heading back to Mormon country. Shawntel drops the first “Brad and I’s” relationship of the season. I sighed, but I like her so I let it go. She’s around dead people all day for crying out loud. It’s not like someone is there to correct her.
Back on the beach with Brad (WOMACK!), Emily in her freaking stunning cocktail dress continues to mesmerize Brad. Brad pushes a bit when Emily balks at the possibility of introducing him to her daughter but Emily holds her ground. Brad looked visibly distressed when she did. It’s a drag when reality gets in the way of a reality show, isn’t it?
Desperate, Brad “breaks the rules” telling her that she’s getting a rose in an effort to convince her to exploit her daughter for the sake of the show. Brad unwittingly summarizes his own angst when he refers to Emily’s daughter as “the most important thing in Emily’s life.” Exactly, Brad. Don’t be surprised when you have the “the Hendrick family that takes generous care of me will never let me leave Charlotte with the only daughter of their deceased son” conversation. The bottom line is that Emily is going to end up doing what she thinks is best for her daughter and Brad is not going to crack that nut no matter how hard he tries.
If he wants someone who doesn’t care, he should just pop over to Michelle’s bunk and toss her a ring. She’d throw her kid in a duffle bag and curbside check it on the way to Austin before her ex could say Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Unless Brad is packing for Charlotte after the show, Emily is going to take second place. As far as I know, they sell supplements and Axe Body Spray in Charlotte. Brad could be happy there. Perhaps Emily will be the next Bachelorette. Perhaps she won’t. Say what you want about Emily, she seems like a nice person who considers herself a mother first and a contestant second. That’s the way I see it anyway.
Brad is clearly smitten and I believe Emily got caught up in the moment. They kiss on the beach and we know that all other dates will pale in comparison this week. Putting Emily on the first of these three dates is like having Springsteen open up for the local Battle of the Bands contest at Anytown High School, U.S.A.
SHAWNTEL DATE
Oblivious to the fact that Brad has detached his testicles and given them to Emily for safe keeping, a hopeful and positive Shawntel dons her cleanest white tank top and compliments it with a island friendly wrap before jumping aboard a black SUV and going to meet a linen clad Brad in the town of Ebenezer for some bike riding, steel drums, and fruity drinks before being grifted out of all of their Anguillan currency by the rum-soaked, cannabis-smoking locals. Incidentally, what is the currency in Anguilla? It’s a British territory, but I’d be willing to bet that Harrison’s face is on all the coins.
Brad chooses a romantic spot for a picnic right in the middle of a herd of filthy goats. They actually drop a blanket in somebody’s yard and picnic amongst the goats. Nice date, Brad. Shawntel mimics Emily’s braided bangs look but makes sure to braid the opposite side of her bangs so as not to make it so obvious. Shawntel is cool, positive, and easy to deal with. However, after the Emily date, Brad is just not that focused on Shawntel. Fair? No. True? Yes. Brad tells us as much.
After getting vaccinated for hoof-and-mouth disease Brad and Shawntel head for the Dune Preserve for some more meaningless conversation about a potential relationship that will never happen. On a positive note, his lavender linen complimented her purple off-the-shoulder cover up nicely.
Brad seemingly opens up to Shawntel about his father. He seems confused at his ability to open up to Shawntel and actually mistakes that comfort for affection—a CLASSIC problem for a person with Brad’s intimacy problems. People like Brad who have a genuine, deep rooted fear of intimacy or commitment often find it easy to talk to relative strangers or casual acquaintances about things they would never dream of discussing with a person who is supposedly close to them. Why?
The fear of intimacy is rooted in the inability to make oneself vulnerable and thereby putting real feelings and emotions at risk of being rejected. When a person with an intimacy problem finds himself growing close to another person emotionally, he often draws back and will even go to great lengths to sabotage a relationship rather then open himself up to that rejection he felt as a child or in a life-altering relationship.
When there is no risk of getting hurt, i.e., being emotionally vulnerable, a person with these issues has no problem volunteering even the most seemingly intimate details of his life. It’s no surprise you can open up to Shawntel, Brad. You don’t love her. Despite the red flag, Shawntel is encouraged.
Brad sleep walks (WOMACK!) through the rest of the date and pretends to know some guy named Bankie Banks who is “arguably the most famous person in Anguilla.” That’s like saying that right now I’m arguably the most famous person in my home office.
Shawntel drinks a beer (I knew I liked her) while Brad pretends to sip on one all the while counting the carbs that come with it. They eventually find their way into the water where we see the largest tramp stamp in the history of tramp stamps. Poor location aside, I dig chicks with tattoos. Nice job, Shawntel. You’re done next week, but you’re likeable and nice.
Back at the suite the next date card makes its way into Fivehead’s hands and she reads, “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.” Britt is excited to learn that she’s finally been granted a one-on-one date. Bless her big ears and skinny little heart. That’s clearly a death sentence despite the illusion of safety created by Harrison’s “there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates” speech. Meanwhile, Michelle opines that the Sea of Love is an actual body of water. She’s not the sharpest pitchfork in the barn. I’m sure she had trouble with all subjects ending in “ography” and “ology” when she was in school.
BRITT DATE
Brit gets ready to go by fixing her patented updo and Brad arrives downstairs in his gray t-shirt and board shorts dropping that annoying “hullo, ladies” before taking Britt down the beach and making her swim through shark infested waters to their awaiting yacht as the remaining women ooze with jealousy.
Britt shows off her weird, outdated, madras bikini and all 24 of her ribs. Hell, she showed off all 206 bones in her body. She has a nice shape, but man she needs a sandwich. Having her burn hundreds of calories by swimming to the boat was not a good idea. However, after that one beer with Shawntel, Brad insisted on it.
They should invent egg white and tuna fish beer for guys like Brad. I’m sure it would sell just as well as the Muscle Milk or Ultra Chest Pump or Mr. Biceps or whatever non-FDA approved, tachycardia-inducing protein powder he currently spends 1/3 of his disposable income on so he can mix in a water bottle and walk around the gym with while he lifts weights.
Brad and Britt hit some place called Little Bay Anguilla and Brad gives himself a high colonic water enema as he cliff jumps rectum first into the water below. Britt overcomes her fear of snapping in half and follows suit. Again, an enema for someone in obvious need of retaining calories is not a wise idea.
Colons clear, Brad and Britt bore each other (and us) to death before he tells her he likes her but he needs to “give her a but.” I was thrilled because, as I said, Britt clearly needs a butt. Brad sends her and her coral nightie back to the suite in a zodiac to collect her junk and hit the road. Frankly, on that date, after all was said and done, more was said than done. The girls hug Britt and pretend to care but have a hard time hiding the fact that they saw that coming like Brad duck walking (WOMACK!) down the beach from a mile away.
Brad broods on the yacht before Harrison and Bankie Banks arrive back at the yacht with a dime bag of sticky Anguillan weed, a few bottles of fresh rum, and a some Chaka Khan looking island girls Harrison’s intern corralled at the concert. Britt seeks refuge in the remaining girls which is a lot like Hitler seeking comfort from the Russian soldiers who made it into Berlin in April of 1945. She cries a little but knows that Brad wasn’t for her. Gain a few pounds along with gaining some confidence, Britt. You’re nice and you’re attractive.
GROUP DATE
Fresh off some whip its and rum shots with Harrison and Bankie Banks, a wired Brad heads over to the ladies’ suite at 2:07 a.m. to wake up Michelle, Chantal, and Fivehead for the surprise group date. At first, I thought he was going to wake them up like an alarm clock . . . with a big dong. I’ll be here all week, folks. However, Brad chose the more subtle method of shining the 100,000 candle power Q-beam into the eyes of the sleeping women. To be fair, Michelle had been woken up like that in the past when CPS entered her house to execute a search warrant and check on her daughter.
Confused, the women believe they are going to toilet paper Harrison’s balcony but soon realize that Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue is calling their names. Chantal immediately begins to complain that she feels like “a fat lard” this week because she’s been eating and drinking for the past couple of weeks. She’s also been whining and complaining like a spoiled five year old who hasn’t had a nap all day. I have to admit, I was a big fan in the beginning but she’s slowly whittled away any affection I had for her by bitching and moaning for weeks now. I still think she’ll win, but man is she immature.
After meeting their photographer, Raphael Mazzuco, who looked like a creepier version of Gene Simmons—if that’s even possible—the women head to the beach for the big shoot. Ashley goes first and looks great in her bikini despite expressing a lack of confidence over the size of her chest. To be fair, both Michelle and Chantal (who knew?) have giant sets of cans and I could understand her reticence. Not all men, including this one, like giant boobs, by the way. Ashley definitely had the smallest knockers of the bunch but she looked great in her suit. Oh, and she didn’t complain the entire time either.
Brad, Michelle, and Chantal watch Ashley rock the photo shoot as she loses her top and shows off her Lesser Antilles. Despite being more blessed in the mammary department, Chantal stresses out and we quickly see why. She’s by no means fat, but let’s be honest. She looked bloated and squatty compared to the other two. Like Ali, she puts on weight in a weird way. She’s one of those people who shows even a small gain. Look at her at the beginning of the season and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
Not to be outdone, Chantal also looked good in her poses and eventually evened the playing field by losing her top and pulling out her Greater Antilles for the shoot. I’m certain her pictures will turn out well. At the right angle, she looked great.
Michelle pretends to have an issue with taking her top off and posing for racy but perfectly tasteful and non-pornographic pictures for the camera and chooses to act like a whore instead. I sure she contemplated losing her bottoms in order to show us her Leeward Islands, but she kept it classy by straddling Brad and licking his face as Chantal and Ashley stewed in jealousy and doubt as they were forced to watch.
Knowing he’s in for a cry fest, Brad and his white board shorts reluctantly escorts the girls to the local rooftop pool in order to prepare for the emotional downpour he knows he’s in no way equipped to handle. Hell, even the most emotionally adept man can hardly handle one upset woman, much less three. Asking Brad to effectively manage this situation would be like asking Batman to fight the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin at the same time. I actually almost felt sorry for him.
Incidentally, Brad was shirtless for the entire middle segment of the show. I’ll be the first to compliment him on his wonderful physique. I’m certain that doesn’t come without considerable sacrifice, but come on. Even Matthew McConaughey would think this guy should put a shirt on. ABC really took Lincee’s letters seriously. Maybe she’s sleeping with Harrison. Perhaps that’s where he’s been all season.
I’ll mercifully shorten this date because it was so incredibly painful to watch. It was like watching the Zapruder film over and over again in slow motion. Brad again shows his disdain for multi-syllabic first names by talking to “Ash” about her insecurities. Then he talks to Chantal. Then he talks to Michelle and tells her she’s “volatile,” “stubborn,” and “defensive” showing us that he’s been given the Producer’s green light to can her.
Then he gives Ashley the rose and she does the patented Jillian run and leg wrap around the waist greeting. Then Chantal cries and throws a tantrum and he talks to her again. Then he talks to Michelle. Then, when all of the talking should have been done, he talks to Chantal again.
It’s a damn good thing that Michelle is crazier than Chantal is spoiled because she’s come darn close to whining herself out of a rose on several occasions this season. Frankly, if I was Brad, I would have shut her down last week. I feel that the Bachelors should have one of those Easy Buttons from the Staples commercials. However, instead of “Easy” it should read “Harrison.” Brad needed that desperately on this date. To be fair, I thought Brad handled that estrogen filled fiasco about as good as any man could do in his situation. He was respectful, clear, and fair to all three women. He made his own bed, but man, that was hard to watch.
ROSE CEREMONY
The women all arrive in their evening dresses except Ashley S. who went with the pant suit. F it, she has a rose already. Much to my delight, Brad finally loses Dr. Jamie’s phone number. We can only assume that Dr. Jamie inked his coveted deal with the OWN network and is now contractually prevented from dispensing any advice beyond the confines of Oprah’s kingdom. Brad gets smart and calls Harrison for some alone time in the heretofore absent Lair of Seclusion complete with the framed five by seven head shots of the remaining women. Now we’re in business.
Harrison arrives in a muted grey suit and a tie looking uncharacteristically overdressed for the island. He stirs the pot as only Harrison can do but eventually learns that Brad wants no cocktail party. Brad eventually realizes that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
He lets Harrison know that he’s made up his mind who is packing and he’s ready to drop the hammer. Actually, he was probably tired as hell after getting up at 2 a.m. and being shirtless in the sun all day while simultaneously listening to Chantal, Ashley, and Michelle cry and complain in his ear, but whatever. Harrison leaves Brad and the two shells that covered Ashley’s Lesser Antilles during the photo shoot in the Lair in order to assemble the ladies.
The roses go as follows:
1. Ashley (Fivehead. Was the least needy this week. She looked great and earned it.)
2. Emily (She’s now more famous than Bankie Banks in Anguilla)
3. Shawntel N. (Gone next week but made a good showing. She’s cool.)
4. Chantal (She lost me last week. She’ll still win but needs to grow up in a hurry)
Brad finally pulls the trigger on Michelle. Unfortunately, craziness is different from adolescence and snow. Unlike Crazy, those things disappear if you ignore them long enough.
After Michelle said her goodbyes to the women, I literally sat up and set down my Lone Star, breathless with anticipation at the meltdown I was certain would occur the second the limo door shut. Instead, she ignored Brad, refused to talk, and assumed the fetal position in the limo.
At first, I was disappointed, but upon further thought, I actually think this is the best way to go. Talking about it after the decision is made or asking why accomplishes nothing. In fact, it only adds fuel to the emotional rejection fire that gets ignited upon the realization that no rose is in hand. Good for her for keeping her mouth shut. It’s not as if the crew doesn’t have enough footage of her being crazy in order fill her segment at the After the Final Rose Special.
If she gets the right PR firm in her corner AND she listens to them, she’ll be much better off if she takes the high road from here until the ATFR show. After watching Michelle’s elimination, I could not help but be reminded of Eliot’s The Hollow Man. And so, this is how Michelle’s time ends . . . “not with a bang, but with a whimper.”
Speaking of ending with a bang, we’re quickly approaching the Fantasy Suite dates, but first we head back to the U.S.A. for the hometown visits this week. I can’t wait. And there we have it. With the Amazing count 93 and the Journey count at a stagnant 20 this week, we head into Episode 8 with the final four ready to drag unwilling family members into the fray. Have a fantastic week. In the meantime, if you need me I'll be listening to Bankie Banks while dreaming of Emily’s Perfect Antilles. DP
Cynicism aside, whether it was underneath the sheets or underneath the weight of a couple of dozen bon bons and a bottle of wine, I hope all of you found what you were looking for on February 14th. Robert Frost said that “love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” I hope you all felt a bit of that yesterday in some capacity. I hope you all got some sort of whatnot from that special someone inscribed with a clever message like “without you my life would be like a broken pencil . . . pointless” or something equally as amusing.
Me? I ate salami from the package and watched the Bachelor while pounding back a six pack of Lone Star. It was perfect and—dare I say—romantic. The best part was that I didn’t have to buy myself an expensive trinket that I didn’t need and I didn’t have to cuddle with myself after it was all over.
Do me a favor and post your definition of a good husband on my Facebook Fan Page this week at “Guy in Austin.” My definition of a husband? That’s someone who carries pictures of his wife where his money used to be.
With that said, let’s get to it.
THE INTRO
We begin this week as we always do: by learning what we have in store for us this episode. Walks on the beach, Michelle melting down, Chantal melting down, Brad waking up the ladies, heartbreaking devastation, sexy bikini photo shoots, and, of course, crying. Frankly, I've seen less crying at a kids’ soccer game. I wondered if we’d see Michelle going rogue again and showing up at Brad’s room unannounced. To be fair, she probably misunderstood the concierge in the hotel lobby when he called the restaurant and let them know that Brad called down and wanted “room cervix.” Thank you, folks. Tip your wait staff.
We are quickly reminded that this week's destination is Anguilla, a British territory in the Caribbean. Apparently, it’s one of the most northerly of the Leeward Islands in the Lesser Antilles. Granted, that tells me absolutely nothing other than that it’s in the Caribbean somewhere, but it sounds fancy. Thank God we were treated to the super expensive ABC graphic showing us the giant plane traveling from Costa Rica all the way East to Anguilla.
Predictably, steel drum music plays in the background as we get canned shots taken by the Location Scouting Crew weeks before when they got to go to the island in order to confirm it was indeed a perfect place to fall in love. Convinced, they took some sweeping footage of the majestic cliffs and deep, blue ocean before phoning Harrison and giving him the thumbs up to reserve the ABC private jet.
We see all of the women arriving on a rented cigarette boat while bouncing up and down over the shallow coral reef just outside the island. They are convinced that Brad is already on the island. I’m certain that was either because he always arrives before they do or because the entire place smelled like salt water, marijuana, and Axe Body Spray.
None of the women looked like they were having any fun on the boat due to the fact that every time the boat bounced off the water they all got sprayed in the face. Well, except Michelle, who obviously has an incredible amount of experience getting sprayed in the face after bouncing up and down for a while.
The women thankfully arrive at the Cuisinart Resort and Spa. Isn't that a line of kitchenware and appliances? I had no idea they were into resorts as well. The women exit the boat in tight white shorts, white Capri pants, and various colorful versions of the skintight tank top with the built-in sports bra. They oooh and ahhhh the villa and speculate about the upcoming week’s events. Bored and almost through with my warm-up beer, I sighed and squirmed uncomfortably on my couch, and settled in like a hooker on dollar night preparing myself for an uncomfortable evening.
However, just when I was ready to give up, none other than Chris Harrison, our absent yet beloved host, appears draped in linen ready to actually perform his duties as more than honorary host this episode. Of course, it made sense that Harrison would jump on the first plane to a place like Anguilla in order to say his lines; however, I was so glad to have him back I instantly forgave him for his absence during the first six shows of the most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever.
Harrison addresses the ladies as we see a shot of Michelle's shirt which apparently has a picture of Emily's wings on it. It's a very important week he tells us. Three one-on-one dates and one group date will take place with only one rose being given out to a lucky girl. Britt finally talks saying that she wants the one-on-one date as all of the Bachelor professionals in the audience knew that she was headed out to sea to hit a metaphorical coral reef and sink like a damaged pirate ship in the waves. Hell, I was just happy that Britt would finally get a chance to do her Daryl Hannah from Splash impression. I looked forward to seeing her turn into a mermaid after all of this time.
Harrison flashes his fancy watch and his linen pants and drops the first date card. Shawntel reads, "three things I would bring to a deserted island." Of course, I immediately thought that I would bring Emily and both of her boobs. It appears that the producers agreed with me because Emily along with a picnic lunch and a bottle of champagne were selected for the date. I assumed that her two boobs were invited as well. The women bask in the shadow of Emily’s hotness as she drops a “See yawl een a leetle beet” before floating away to powder her halo and don some locationally appropriate attire.
Yes, I did read the “Emily’s plastic surgery” stuff in the “news” this week and no, I don’t care. Plastic surgery doesn’t bother me as long as it’s not excessive. If I’m being honest, I could live without the bleach blonde hair. However, that’s like saying I’d still drink Lone Star if they changed the color of the label. It would still be delicious and smooth and I’d still want 12 of them. For you non-Emily fans—or should I say ‘fan’?—don’t fret. I’ll deconstruct her eventually. For now, please let me have my moment.
EMILY DATE
Womack shows up with a stupid look on his face and actually refers to a hot tub full of unamused and bitchy women as a “bevy of beauties.” Please. What is it with these fun haters this season? I can’t recall a more miserable bunch of contestants. Hell, there’s not a lot anyone could do to me to make me pissed off if I got a month off of work, a per diem allowance, a free room at the nicest location in town, and unlimited access to alcohol and food. Journey my ass. I’d have a permanent smile plastered on my cheery freaking face even when I slept.
Brad and Emily depart as we get a shot of them walking. She sports a blue cover up with gold and silver trim on the collar and Brad sports his light blue V-neck T-shirt and blue shorts. I had visions of the Aflac duck saying “Womack!” as he walked down the path with his duck feet. I’m certain some of you noticed too. I know his father wasn’t there to buy him corrective shoes as a kid, but come on. Someone must have noticed that. Perhaps he had jock itch.
Brad and Emily settle in to a local bench in the middle of a field large enough to land a helicopter and share a champagne toast as Brad invents the pet name “Em” for Emily, adequately annoying us all. Surprisingly, a helicopter arrives and as Emily and Brad board on their way to their magical date. Brad dropped several flight metaphors relating to his relationship with Emily. “Predictable and boring,” I thought as I finished my second warm up Lone Star. At least I didn’t have to hear Michelle complain . . . for now anyway.
Emily and Brad arrive on the aptly but uncreatively named Sandy Island. Frankly, that thing should have been named Phallus Island or Penis Islet or something like that. Hermann Rorschach aside, that thing looked like a giant sex organ. I thought it was the perfect place to fall in love. I was relived to see that Emily and Brad had enough room for their picnic. I was a bit concerned at first when I saw the aerial shot of the island from the helicopter. I suppose if the island was too small, Emily could have just talked dirty to it and it would have gotten bigger.
At any rate, Brad and Emily exit the helicopter as we see more duck walking from Brad (WOMACK!—insert duck here) as he carries a white picnic basket desperately in search of some shade like a modern day Robinson Cru-Douche-oe. By the way, would it have killed the intern who put that basket together to include an umbrella? I was terrified that Emily’s wings would dry out.
I won’t belabor what was clearly later misrepresented as a perfect day. Emily and Brad talk a bit, swim, and he sets up the evening theme about meeting her daughter in Charlotte. I will say that I noticed a remarkable difference in his demeanor around her. For the men reading this, we’ve all been there. For guys like Brad—good looking guys that is—who are used to having women be receptive to him, it’s incredibly difficult to be with a woman as stunning as Emily and Brad showed it. He’s clearly enamored by her. They kiss and pray that the helicopter that picks them up has a cooler of ice water and aloe vera in it. I was bored, but it seemed like they had a decent time on Some Guy’s Junk Archipelago.
Back at the suite the women further set up the Emily’s daughter talk and just as Michelle is about to remember that she too has a daughter, the date card arrives sending everyone into a frothy, Pavlovian frenzy. Chantal reads, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla” and Shawntel wipes the foam from her mouth overjoyed and surprised at getting a date.
Clearly, she and Britt are on the bubble this week and if she passes the test we all know that Michelle is packing up Cybill and the rest of her personalities and heading back to Mormon country. Shawntel drops the first “Brad and I’s” relationship of the season. I sighed, but I like her so I let it go. She’s around dead people all day for crying out loud. It’s not like someone is there to correct her.
Back on the beach with Brad (WOMACK!), Emily in her freaking stunning cocktail dress continues to mesmerize Brad. Brad pushes a bit when Emily balks at the possibility of introducing him to her daughter but Emily holds her ground. Brad looked visibly distressed when she did. It’s a drag when reality gets in the way of a reality show, isn’t it?
Desperate, Brad “breaks the rules” telling her that she’s getting a rose in an effort to convince her to exploit her daughter for the sake of the show. Brad unwittingly summarizes his own angst when he refers to Emily’s daughter as “the most important thing in Emily’s life.” Exactly, Brad. Don’t be surprised when you have the “the Hendrick family that takes generous care of me will never let me leave Charlotte with the only daughter of their deceased son” conversation. The bottom line is that Emily is going to end up doing what she thinks is best for her daughter and Brad is not going to crack that nut no matter how hard he tries.
If he wants someone who doesn’t care, he should just pop over to Michelle’s bunk and toss her a ring. She’d throw her kid in a duffle bag and curbside check it on the way to Austin before her ex could say Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Unless Brad is packing for Charlotte after the show, Emily is going to take second place. As far as I know, they sell supplements and Axe Body Spray in Charlotte. Brad could be happy there. Perhaps Emily will be the next Bachelorette. Perhaps she won’t. Say what you want about Emily, she seems like a nice person who considers herself a mother first and a contestant second. That’s the way I see it anyway.
Brad is clearly smitten and I believe Emily got caught up in the moment. They kiss on the beach and we know that all other dates will pale in comparison this week. Putting Emily on the first of these three dates is like having Springsteen open up for the local Battle of the Bands contest at Anytown High School, U.S.A.
SHAWNTEL DATE
Oblivious to the fact that Brad has detached his testicles and given them to Emily for safe keeping, a hopeful and positive Shawntel dons her cleanest white tank top and compliments it with a island friendly wrap before jumping aboard a black SUV and going to meet a linen clad Brad in the town of Ebenezer for some bike riding, steel drums, and fruity drinks before being grifted out of all of their Anguillan currency by the rum-soaked, cannabis-smoking locals. Incidentally, what is the currency in Anguilla? It’s a British territory, but I’d be willing to bet that Harrison’s face is on all the coins.
Brad chooses a romantic spot for a picnic right in the middle of a herd of filthy goats. They actually drop a blanket in somebody’s yard and picnic amongst the goats. Nice date, Brad. Shawntel mimics Emily’s braided bangs look but makes sure to braid the opposite side of her bangs so as not to make it so obvious. Shawntel is cool, positive, and easy to deal with. However, after the Emily date, Brad is just not that focused on Shawntel. Fair? No. True? Yes. Brad tells us as much.
After getting vaccinated for hoof-and-mouth disease Brad and Shawntel head for the Dune Preserve for some more meaningless conversation about a potential relationship that will never happen. On a positive note, his lavender linen complimented her purple off-the-shoulder cover up nicely.
Brad seemingly opens up to Shawntel about his father. He seems confused at his ability to open up to Shawntel and actually mistakes that comfort for affection—a CLASSIC problem for a person with Brad’s intimacy problems. People like Brad who have a genuine, deep rooted fear of intimacy or commitment often find it easy to talk to relative strangers or casual acquaintances about things they would never dream of discussing with a person who is supposedly close to them. Why?
The fear of intimacy is rooted in the inability to make oneself vulnerable and thereby putting real feelings and emotions at risk of being rejected. When a person with an intimacy problem finds himself growing close to another person emotionally, he often draws back and will even go to great lengths to sabotage a relationship rather then open himself up to that rejection he felt as a child or in a life-altering relationship.
When there is no risk of getting hurt, i.e., being emotionally vulnerable, a person with these issues has no problem volunteering even the most seemingly intimate details of his life. It’s no surprise you can open up to Shawntel, Brad. You don’t love her. Despite the red flag, Shawntel is encouraged.
Brad sleep walks (WOMACK!) through the rest of the date and pretends to know some guy named Bankie Banks who is “arguably the most famous person in Anguilla.” That’s like saying that right now I’m arguably the most famous person in my home office.
Shawntel drinks a beer (I knew I liked her) while Brad pretends to sip on one all the while counting the carbs that come with it. They eventually find their way into the water where we see the largest tramp stamp in the history of tramp stamps. Poor location aside, I dig chicks with tattoos. Nice job, Shawntel. You’re done next week, but you’re likeable and nice.
Back at the suite the next date card makes its way into Fivehead’s hands and she reads, “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.” Britt is excited to learn that she’s finally been granted a one-on-one date. Bless her big ears and skinny little heart. That’s clearly a death sentence despite the illusion of safety created by Harrison’s “there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates” speech. Meanwhile, Michelle opines that the Sea of Love is an actual body of water. She’s not the sharpest pitchfork in the barn. I’m sure she had trouble with all subjects ending in “ography” and “ology” when she was in school.
BRITT DATE
Brit gets ready to go by fixing her patented updo and Brad arrives downstairs in his gray t-shirt and board shorts dropping that annoying “hullo, ladies” before taking Britt down the beach and making her swim through shark infested waters to their awaiting yacht as the remaining women ooze with jealousy.
Britt shows off her weird, outdated, madras bikini and all 24 of her ribs. Hell, she showed off all 206 bones in her body. She has a nice shape, but man she needs a sandwich. Having her burn hundreds of calories by swimming to the boat was not a good idea. However, after that one beer with Shawntel, Brad insisted on it.
They should invent egg white and tuna fish beer for guys like Brad. I’m sure it would sell just as well as the Muscle Milk or Ultra Chest Pump or Mr. Biceps or whatever non-FDA approved, tachycardia-inducing protein powder he currently spends 1/3 of his disposable income on so he can mix in a water bottle and walk around the gym with while he lifts weights.
Brad and Britt hit some place called Little Bay Anguilla and Brad gives himself a high colonic water enema as he cliff jumps rectum first into the water below. Britt overcomes her fear of snapping in half and follows suit. Again, an enema for someone in obvious need of retaining calories is not a wise idea.
Colons clear, Brad and Britt bore each other (and us) to death before he tells her he likes her but he needs to “give her a but.” I was thrilled because, as I said, Britt clearly needs a butt. Brad sends her and her coral nightie back to the suite in a zodiac to collect her junk and hit the road. Frankly, on that date, after all was said and done, more was said than done. The girls hug Britt and pretend to care but have a hard time hiding the fact that they saw that coming like Brad duck walking (WOMACK!) down the beach from a mile away.
Brad broods on the yacht before Harrison and Bankie Banks arrive back at the yacht with a dime bag of sticky Anguillan weed, a few bottles of fresh rum, and a some Chaka Khan looking island girls Harrison’s intern corralled at the concert. Britt seeks refuge in the remaining girls which is a lot like Hitler seeking comfort from the Russian soldiers who made it into Berlin in April of 1945. She cries a little but knows that Brad wasn’t for her. Gain a few pounds along with gaining some confidence, Britt. You’re nice and you’re attractive.
GROUP DATE
Fresh off some whip its and rum shots with Harrison and Bankie Banks, a wired Brad heads over to the ladies’ suite at 2:07 a.m. to wake up Michelle, Chantal, and Fivehead for the surprise group date. At first, I thought he was going to wake them up like an alarm clock . . . with a big dong. I’ll be here all week, folks. However, Brad chose the more subtle method of shining the 100,000 candle power Q-beam into the eyes of the sleeping women. To be fair, Michelle had been woken up like that in the past when CPS entered her house to execute a search warrant and check on her daughter.
Confused, the women believe they are going to toilet paper Harrison’s balcony but soon realize that Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue is calling their names. Chantal immediately begins to complain that she feels like “a fat lard” this week because she’s been eating and drinking for the past couple of weeks. She’s also been whining and complaining like a spoiled five year old who hasn’t had a nap all day. I have to admit, I was a big fan in the beginning but she’s slowly whittled away any affection I had for her by bitching and moaning for weeks now. I still think she’ll win, but man is she immature.
After meeting their photographer, Raphael Mazzuco, who looked like a creepier version of Gene Simmons—if that’s even possible—the women head to the beach for the big shoot. Ashley goes first and looks great in her bikini despite expressing a lack of confidence over the size of her chest. To be fair, both Michelle and Chantal (who knew?) have giant sets of cans and I could understand her reticence. Not all men, including this one, like giant boobs, by the way. Ashley definitely had the smallest knockers of the bunch but she looked great in her suit. Oh, and she didn’t complain the entire time either.
Brad, Michelle, and Chantal watch Ashley rock the photo shoot as she loses her top and shows off her Lesser Antilles. Despite being more blessed in the mammary department, Chantal stresses out and we quickly see why. She’s by no means fat, but let’s be honest. She looked bloated and squatty compared to the other two. Like Ali, she puts on weight in a weird way. She’s one of those people who shows even a small gain. Look at her at the beginning of the season and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
Not to be outdone, Chantal also looked good in her poses and eventually evened the playing field by losing her top and pulling out her Greater Antilles for the shoot. I’m certain her pictures will turn out well. At the right angle, she looked great.
Michelle pretends to have an issue with taking her top off and posing for racy but perfectly tasteful and non-pornographic pictures for the camera and chooses to act like a whore instead. I sure she contemplated losing her bottoms in order to show us her Leeward Islands, but she kept it classy by straddling Brad and licking his face as Chantal and Ashley stewed in jealousy and doubt as they were forced to watch.
Knowing he’s in for a cry fest, Brad and his white board shorts reluctantly escorts the girls to the local rooftop pool in order to prepare for the emotional downpour he knows he’s in no way equipped to handle. Hell, even the most emotionally adept man can hardly handle one upset woman, much less three. Asking Brad to effectively manage this situation would be like asking Batman to fight the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin at the same time. I actually almost felt sorry for him.
Incidentally, Brad was shirtless for the entire middle segment of the show. I’ll be the first to compliment him on his wonderful physique. I’m certain that doesn’t come without considerable sacrifice, but come on. Even Matthew McConaughey would think this guy should put a shirt on. ABC really took Lincee’s letters seriously. Maybe she’s sleeping with Harrison. Perhaps that’s where he’s been all season.
I’ll mercifully shorten this date because it was so incredibly painful to watch. It was like watching the Zapruder film over and over again in slow motion. Brad again shows his disdain for multi-syllabic first names by talking to “Ash” about her insecurities. Then he talks to Chantal. Then he talks to Michelle and tells her she’s “volatile,” “stubborn,” and “defensive” showing us that he’s been given the Producer’s green light to can her.
Then he gives Ashley the rose and she does the patented Jillian run and leg wrap around the waist greeting. Then Chantal cries and throws a tantrum and he talks to her again. Then he talks to Michelle. Then, when all of the talking should have been done, he talks to Chantal again.
It’s a damn good thing that Michelle is crazier than Chantal is spoiled because she’s come darn close to whining herself out of a rose on several occasions this season. Frankly, if I was Brad, I would have shut her down last week. I feel that the Bachelors should have one of those Easy Buttons from the Staples commercials. However, instead of “Easy” it should read “Harrison.” Brad needed that desperately on this date. To be fair, I thought Brad handled that estrogen filled fiasco about as good as any man could do in his situation. He was respectful, clear, and fair to all three women. He made his own bed, but man, that was hard to watch.
ROSE CEREMONY
The women all arrive in their evening dresses except Ashley S. who went with the pant suit. F it, she has a rose already. Much to my delight, Brad finally loses Dr. Jamie’s phone number. We can only assume that Dr. Jamie inked his coveted deal with the OWN network and is now contractually prevented from dispensing any advice beyond the confines of Oprah’s kingdom. Brad gets smart and calls Harrison for some alone time in the heretofore absent Lair of Seclusion complete with the framed five by seven head shots of the remaining women. Now we’re in business.
Harrison arrives in a muted grey suit and a tie looking uncharacteristically overdressed for the island. He stirs the pot as only Harrison can do but eventually learns that Brad wants no cocktail party. Brad eventually realizes that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
He lets Harrison know that he’s made up his mind who is packing and he’s ready to drop the hammer. Actually, he was probably tired as hell after getting up at 2 a.m. and being shirtless in the sun all day while simultaneously listening to Chantal, Ashley, and Michelle cry and complain in his ear, but whatever. Harrison leaves Brad and the two shells that covered Ashley’s Lesser Antilles during the photo shoot in the Lair in order to assemble the ladies.
The roses go as follows:
1. Ashley (Fivehead. Was the least needy this week. She looked great and earned it.)
2. Emily (She’s now more famous than Bankie Banks in Anguilla)
3. Shawntel N. (Gone next week but made a good showing. She’s cool.)
4. Chantal (She lost me last week. She’ll still win but needs to grow up in a hurry)
Brad finally pulls the trigger on Michelle. Unfortunately, craziness is different from adolescence and snow. Unlike Crazy, those things disappear if you ignore them long enough.
After Michelle said her goodbyes to the women, I literally sat up and set down my Lone Star, breathless with anticipation at the meltdown I was certain would occur the second the limo door shut. Instead, she ignored Brad, refused to talk, and assumed the fetal position in the limo.
At first, I was disappointed, but upon further thought, I actually think this is the best way to go. Talking about it after the decision is made or asking why accomplishes nothing. In fact, it only adds fuel to the emotional rejection fire that gets ignited upon the realization that no rose is in hand. Good for her for keeping her mouth shut. It’s not as if the crew doesn’t have enough footage of her being crazy in order fill her segment at the After the Final Rose Special.
If she gets the right PR firm in her corner AND she listens to them, she’ll be much better off if she takes the high road from here until the ATFR show. After watching Michelle’s elimination, I could not help but be reminded of Eliot’s The Hollow Man. And so, this is how Michelle’s time ends . . . “not with a bang, but with a whimper.”
Speaking of ending with a bang, we’re quickly approaching the Fantasy Suite dates, but first we head back to the U.S.A. for the hometown visits this week. I can’t wait. And there we have it. With the Amazing count 93 and the Journey count at a stagnant 20 this week, we head into Episode 8 with the final four ready to drag unwilling family members into the fray. Have a fantastic week. In the meantime, if you need me I'll be listening to Bankie Banks while dreaming of Emily’s Perfect Antilles. DP
Great recap! I'm surprised you didn't mention the huge blue vein on Michelle's left boob that was highlighted by her red suit.....it was UGLY!
ReplyDeleteI agree....this was a painful episode to watch....too much whinin'!
First time commenting. Posting as Anonymous for lack of a profile but I'm a regular poster over at Lincee's blog (Maggie May). I found my way over here a few episodes ago (around the time of your "elf video" and the subsequent payback), just wanted to say thanks for making Tuesday mornings a lot funnier.
ReplyDeleteAwesome recap, it made that painful group date worth watching. I'm sure Lincee will have plenty to say about Brad's abs finally making it to the party.
I have to disagree on Michelle, she hasn't milked her 15 minutes enough yet. I think that "wimper" she left on is just the timer being reset on her internal time bomb. I'm betting she pulls a Trish and shows up on one of the hometown dates.
Great recap - best laughs from the 3 on 1 group date. And some great insights on real situations/emotions in there as well. One of your best all around posts ever.
ReplyDeleteI agree about Chantal - it will be interesting to see how the ladies are without seeing the other women around. If they gain more confidence and not freaking out when he's around, it'll be their gain.
- Post It Girl
Some Guy,
ReplyDeleteYour post was far better than any 1/2 off Hallmark card the day after Valentine's Day! You nailed everything (except the vein-e-ness of Michelle's breasts...thanks first comment post!). Brad is hot minus the duck walk(I noticed that ALL season!) but B.O.R.I.N.G!
As cool as I've considered her since the early episodes, I thought Shawntel deserved the boot for repetition of the phrase "Brad and I's's relationship." From the teasers to next week's episode, she's going to embalm him? Yeah, that'll win over his heart!
ReplyDeleteLoved this line: "if I got a month off of work, a per diem allowance, a free room at the nicest location in town, and unlimited access to alcohol and food. Journey my ass. I’d have a permanent smile plastered on my cheery freaking face even when I slept." AMEN!! These women are the Whinest Bunch in Bachelor History.
A friend and I were commenting about how there was just no way anybody was going to be able to match up to Emily's date. Watching Shawntel's date afterward was a bit of a snoozefest. A picnic on a tiny private island vs. one in somebody's goat-poop-filled back yard? yikes.
I lost it when I read "Well, except Michelle, who obviously has an incredible amount of experience getting sprayed in the face after bouncing up and down for a while." Priceless.
ReplyDeleteHarrison mentioned the penis shaped island in his blog too and I'm mad I missed it. I keep missing gems like that because, since all the whining irritates the shit out of me, I admittedly have only been half-watching this season.
This was my other favorite line: "Brad gives himself a high colonic water enema as he cliff jumps rectum first into the water below."
Hmm...all the things that most caught my attention are the things an adolescent boy would laugh at. My mother must be so proud of the "lady" I've grown up to be.
It's a sad statement on the other girls when Ashley is the "least needy". She was making me crazy on the group date when she kept saying how scared she was and how she didn't want to let go of Brad's hand when he got up to get the rose. I wanted to slap her and then push her into the pool.
Great recap, as always. And thanks for the treat of having it done early and giving me something to avoid work with!
As much as it pains me to defend Chantal, who seriously needs to learn how to stop crying, I can imagine that feeling (and looking) bloated and self-concious, watching Brad make-out with Michelle, then give the rose to Ashley -- all while sleep-deprived -- was probably what put her over the edge. She seems to do well one-on-one, and since the rest of the season is group-date free, I can see her winning Brad over again and securing a spot in the final two.
ReplyDeleteSome Guy, Some Guy....Where art thou Some Guy? Sleeping I hope. Thanks for staying up so late for your readers and creating your weekly literary masterpiece for all of us to enjoy.
ReplyDelete- Derek and the boys!
Perfect re-cap, the paragraph about egg whites and tuna, 1/3 of disposable income on protein powder had me laughing so hard I cried.
ReplyDeleteEmily - aspirational (will end up marrying a much older very wealthy man from her home town) and if you have never introduced your now 7/8 year old daughter who is a coveted reincarnation of the love of her life to "anyone she has ever dated", i smell disaster. Brad will sink like the Titanic on the hometown date and that kid is the iceberg.
Shawntel - one of the guys
Ashley - a space filler, so "cute" and nice, can't say anything negative except there is NO chemistry between them.
Chantal - spoiled little rich girl who's step dad has bought up all the local airtime during the duration of this show and will need to sell a few more Lexus' to recoup... unless she "wins" you can't buy that kind of publicity.To be fair, I actually like her and love that she isn't a stick figure.
Britt - PLEASE EAT, when you look anorexic on camera that is not a good thing. Head to Dr. Phil and get some interventional advice, your organs are beginning to shut down.
Michelle - maneater
your insights into intimacy issues actually knocked all thoughts of the Bachelor out of me. so astute! where did you learn that?
ReplyDeletewill you be my Dr. Jamie?
Gute Nacht from Germany...
ReplyDeleteSome guy...Wow you did it again! You made me laugh until I cried. I keep asking myself why do I watch this dumb show every season. Now I know why- so I can read your blog and understand what's going on.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I live in Salt Lake City and we as locals are embarassed as hell that Michelle is from our hometown. She in no way respresents the way females in Utah act. She is an embarassment. She is beautiful, but embarassing.
Keep up the good work. I look forward every Tuesday to see what you have to say. I love it! BTW I thought the island looked like a sex organ as well :)
Excellent blog "Some Guy". This post definitely qualifies for Top 5 all time in my book. I don't think anyone could ever top your off season "worst date", but if anyone can improve on perfection its you. I guess I saw it coming...Michelle had to go. Brad finally grew a pair, cut Michelle early and spared us from being subjected to another grueling cocktail party. Either that or the producers grew exhausted of Brad's pleading and caved in to his repeated requests for permission to eliminate Michelle. Regardless, she's gone and I'm sure women all of the world, along with "Some Guy", will sleep easier knowing that the playing field has been narrowed and that Brad's chances of selecting Chantel or Emily to be the next Mrs. WoFlac just improved by 20%. However, even with all of her mean behavior, nagging and general craziness, she probably carried herself with more dignity after her dismissal and during the walk of shame than most of the other girls did previously. After being humiliated and rejected, her actions mirrored what mine would be. Holding hands with the former object of my affection immediately after being cast aside would not be neccessary to lift my self esteem and a tropical pep talk would not help me acheive closure any sooner. Props to you Michelle. You made an ass of yourself on the show, but you managed keep your wits in the end and left with at least a little dignity even in defeat.
ReplyDeleteNow, most of the other girls were polar opposites. They chose to spend most of their waking hours building relationships with their competitors and bonding with women that are chasing the same man. When I was single 15yrs ago and fresh on the downtown Houston bar scene, it would have been a cold day in hell before I, let's say...asked the bartender to send the good looking gentleman at the end of the bar, who keeps making eyes at my girl, a Ron Rico rum and coke. Worse than their counter productive behavior on the show was the fact that even after they spent all that time keeping up the appearance of being sweet and likeable, they lost their composure when the gig was up and still embarrassed themselves. They threw self-respect out the window with exiting lines like, "Thanks for the opportunity, Brad" or "My Daddy will be so proud" or "You are amazing, thank you". I can hardly remember any of them not shedding tears for someone they hardly knew. If I informed a woman that I had recently taken out on a few dates that I was no longer interested in perpetuating the charade and that we would no longer be seeing each other, my assumption would be that she would leave...possibly insult me and then be out of my life forever. Excessive tears and in the same breath thanking me for the opportunity would have me immediately thinking that I could possibly be caught up in a fatal attraction. Come on girls...you just got dumped. Tell him that he walks like a duck and demand that he quit following you. At least insist that he not touch you and mention that you only came on the show for the exposure along with promise of free drinks and a good time. I thought that you were a borderline psycho, Michelle.....but I admired how you held it together during the agony of defeat. -MH
So funny that you mentioned his "protien drinks" No way they get that kind of definition from just lifting weights, gotta be some roids involved, especially at his age.
ReplyDeleteI love Emily to death but I was really hoping she would hold firm on exposing her daughter to this, After being away from her this long I wouldn't want to waste a minute of her time with her trying to make her like Brad.
My husband saw Chantal in the bikini and said OH MY GOSH That one is Pregnant! If she hadn't been such a whiney cry baby I would have felt really sorry for her last night knowing everyone was seeing her look like that. But then she opened her mouth.
-a creepier version of Gene Simmons—if that’s even possible- that line had me laughing. There were other one liners that were great that have been mentioned already. The intimacy stuff was spot on, er, so I've been told. We really should start paying you for your wisdom but then again, the anatomy jokes kind of even it all out. :) Well done. Cariss
ReplyDeleteI almost forgot....quick personal question for "Some Guy"
ReplyDeleteYou've mentioned on countless occasions that you would love to have an opportunity to spend time alone with Emily. Let's look ahead and assume that Emily makes it past the "hometown date" round and winds up having a slumber party with Brad, his pecs and his cross tatoo in the fantasy suite. If WoFlac seduces her and closes the deal, would you still yearn for her affection? Could a man with an ego the size of yours swallow your pride and look past the fact that Brad had previously ravished your sweet angle? -MH
To Baseballmama - Muscular definition like Brad's is actually easier to acheive than you might think with the right diet, cardio and weight training. I doubt he uses steriods. Maybe if your husband spent a little more time in the gym like mine and less time insinuating that Chantel looks like she's pregnant, he would have a chiseled body like my boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteShe may be carrying a little weight, but so what??? I doubt that you are in any position to judge other women's body's. Your husband obviously has shortcomings.
anon, relax on the bitter comments. we're all friends here. I never take down a comment, but relax a bit, please. I'm happy that your husband is a stud. Wendyp, I'll do you one better and be your Dr. Some Guy. Great comments this time around. Keep them coming. Oh and MH, your insite is enlightening but Ron Rico Rum? Dude, spend some of that cash you now earn on some decent booze. DP
ReplyDeleteLOL...thanks for your kind words, DP. Old habits die hard, but I will work on upgrading to a more refined beverage. What would you suggest??..Lone Star? -MH
ReplyDeleteGeeze anon, sorry, just calling it like i see it. Been around athletes for about 30 years now, we have several coaches in the family. Too many years of watching guys suddenly start becoming defined not to know what is going on. And I would bet my nearly 60year old husbands body would match up to anyone his age. LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks Some Guy for all the laughs! It totally drives me nuts that Brad keeps calling Emily "Em". I even told my husband last night that I wished she would just say excuse me my name is Emily not Em.
ReplyDeleteAlso he calls the girls "Babe". That's kinda weird to me cause he is dating six women at the same time & it's kinda like he does it because he can't remember their name at the moment.
What can I say Some Guy I am smitten with that wicked wit of yours.
ReplyDeleteSorry to all commenters. Some Guy was booked yesterday in the real world. MH, yes, I'd take Emily out after a Fantasy Date with Brad . . . well, not IMMEDIATELY after. She'd need time to let the Axe Body Spray smell subside. I'm not 19 anymore. That means I'm willing to accept that fact that women I date have had other relationships. I'm not a jealous person. DP
ReplyDeleteDid you happen to notice the "retouching" on Chantal's SI pics? I've noticed her face looking puffy but I thought she looked good at the shoot--a little fuller figured but good. Looks like SI slimmed her up, though.
ReplyDeleteDP - 19 years old or not....I bet that even though you're a small piece of leather that you're well put together.
ReplyDeleteOh guys, your optimism is encouraging but there is no way Emily's going to do a fantasy date with Brad. She'd never expose her daughter to the ridicule for that. It's going to get really interesting...
ReplyDeleteBaseball mama, I didn't think your comment was offensive. Even Chantal mentioned she'd gained weight and she gains it in normal places, belly, thighs. She's gained about 7 it looks like. Your 60+ husband sounds hot :) It's nice not to be married to someone who spends 3+ hours in the gym a day looking in the mirror at his hot self.
Hey Lyndie22 - Ya never know. Sometimes the sweet little quiet ones are the ones that surprise you. In other words, I think that Brad's back tattoo might be too much for
ReplyDeleteEmily to resist causing her to give in to temptation, spend the night at the fantasy suite and just admit nothing. You know what they say:
"When they're quiet, they just deny it".
Poet, Book, Solid - MH
Meinten Sie, from Belgium.
ReplyDeleteOK..I didn't read anyting about Emily having plastic surgery. Where did we read this?
ReplyDeleteI obviously have a fan that's traveling through Europe now. Thanks for the logging on in Germany and now Belgium. Say hello to the Maginot Line for me. Also, as far as being a "small piece of leather but well put together" I'm 6'1" and about 190 pounds. I don't think that's very small. I assume you were referring to my frame and not other areas of my anatomy. MH--nice observation. As much as it pains me to say, I think she rocks it in the suite too. anon, Emily's plastic surgery is in US or OK mag this week. A reader sent it to me. DP
ReplyDelete6'1" and 190lbs.....OMG!!! I love it!! Don't even go there, Some Guy!!!! - Derek
ReplyDeleteSome guy, you are crazy! Funniest line "ABC must have gotten Linees letter or she is sleeping with Chris" Was that a payback for the picture?
ReplyDeleteI think Emily is great and I hope that she doesn't get her heart broken by Brad, and even though she is really young does anyone else think she acts more mature than most of the women 28-30?? Good for you EmilY!
As alwyas loved the recap! Next week will be fun with you making fun of the family members! Kim in Nevada
"A reader sent it to me." I don't buy that horsesh*t for a minute. Don't even pretend that you didn't rush out to your mailbox last Tuesday anxiously awaiting your very own copy of OK Magazine only to be dissapointed that it was a day late. I hope you were okay with back issues of STAR and People for another day. Do they give you a discount for being such a loyal subscriber?
ReplyDeleteIm just kidding DP. What's up with all the hardcore slamming in the comments this week?
This was definitely the nastiest post in recent memory, "sprayed in the face" made me laugh pretty hard.
I'm surprised you didn't comment more on Shawntel's date. I thought the date went very well; Shawntel's laid-back and confident, seemed to have a great time outside of her element (although a crowd of nefarious-looking individuals smelling like a mixture of pot and rum may well BE her element, being from Chico), and appears to be genuinely interested in Brad. Interesting, though, how all of Brad's dates with Chantal, Ashley and Shawntel start with "I chose this date because I want to se how ---- will react in this type of situation..." and all of his dates with Emily start with "I chose this date for Emily because she deserves it, etc."
Lesser Antilles / Greater Antilles / Leeward Islands ... PRICELESS!!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure Lincee was in heaven with this episode, and wishes she was sleeping with OHCH!
I only caught the last 20 minutes or so thanks to a delayed Southwest flight, so I couldn't wait to read your re-cap....finally had a chance today.
ReplyDeleteTwo words. HA.Larious!
I think Michelle's departure confirms that she was "acting" and only there for entertainment purposes. I expected anything other than complete silence....what a let down!
If I came off as a non-Emily fan, allow me to clarify (briefly, I might add ;)
Not only do I think she is gorgeous, she comes off as very likeable as well. I just don't want her to "WIN" because winning implies you get a prize, and I think Brad is anything but .... BUT I also think becoming the next Bachelorette would ruin everything about her we all seem to admire thus far.
My favorite line: "like a modern day Robinson Cru-Douche-oe" (to me, that is the perfect definition of Brad)
I actually think the perfect ending for Emily would be if she read your blog and made a road trip to Austin to meet you....it'd be very 'Sleepless in Seattle-ish' if the two of you ended up together!! You could start a whole new blog....."Amore in Austin"
Fingers crossed!!
(hope I didn't use up too much space this time!)
~Book
Book, your feedback is always welcome. it's just easier for me to respond to it and for everyone else to read it if it's brief. Thanks for clarifying on Emily. I believe that would be a perfect ending. Heck, if I played my cards right, it might even be a "happy" ending. DP
ReplyDeleteOff to get tea and biscuits...And "It's the final countdown..." You do know that's a song by Europe, right?
ReplyDeleteit's been a long time since I've experienced the joy of an unexpected hearty laugh, but this clever and entertaining recap produced several such moments. thank you. looking forward to next week.
ReplyDeleteI'm going out on a limb here....I'm picking FiveHead to be the last one standing when its all said and done. I know that "Some Guy" will disagree, but I just have a hunch. -MH
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time posting, and I'm so glad I stumbled across this blog! Between you and Lincee I have something to look forward to every Tuesday. Really, these blogs are becoming the reason I watch this train wreck...er, show. I haven't read any spoilers, but I'm thinking that Brad is going to end up with Chantal. She's got that look that he seems to like (based on the last time he was on The Bach). Anyway, keep up the good work and I can't wait for your next post!
ReplyDelete-Dana