Bachelor Nick: Some Guy Rates the Ladies

**Something weird is going on with the font and format on the blogger website.  It apparently looks fine on a smartphone.  I apologize and am trying to fix it.  Enjoy it anyway!  DP

Hello and Happy Holidays, Readers.  I trust your Thanksgiving went well and that you're all busy stressing about the remaining two weeks before the biggest gift giving holiday of the year.  Granted, this years' Mounted Singing Bass hasn't really presented itself as the best generic gift yet, but I'm sure you'll all figure out an adequate replacement.  Certainly Brookstone has plenty of back massagers in stock.  

It's been a while since we last spoke, and for that I'm regretful.  If you must know--and you must--I had a couple of off season posts to post, including one about my birthday, but the revelation of this season's group of incredibly generic potential temporary finances and Neil Lane ring borrowers snuck up on me.  I felt compelled to judge them based solely upon their brief (and monolithic) biographies and head shots.  I'm looking forward to this post and, like Nick, I'm excited to get it up.     

A few things struck me when I read through the bios and looked at the headshots.  First, as I mentioned above, this is an incredibly generic group of women.  Each bio could literally be printed, shuffled in a top hat, and placed beneath any headshot.  The group is exceptionally racially diverse as far as the standard lily white bevy of Bachelor babes goes, but they all appear to share the same brain.  

Second, there are a lot of really young women considering the 36 years our Bachelor has been tooling around the Earth in search of his special someone for the ages.  Granted, 36 is a few numbers shy of the women he's slept with on the air in order to "find love," but who's counting?    

I'm glad to be back in action and I'm looking forward to your comments and feedback this season.  I'll do my best to predict the top girls based on my male brain and intuition, but I have to admit that no one really jumps out at me on the list.  Without any further ado, let's get to it.  

Nick.  Why does the ABC wardrobe department insist on dressing these guys like The Transporter? And why does Nick's hair look like a toupee?  The smug look on his face says it all.  You can sense a vacancy behind his eyes.  My guess is that he's going to get a big cup of his own medicine poured down his throat this season.  By the way, it's worth mentioning that this guy is 36 years old.  36.  That's like having a 16 year old on an elementary school playground.  This should be interesting.  

Alexis.  She’s the first one out of the gate and she doesn’t disappoint.  She’s an “aspiring dolphin trainer.”  As if that “occupation” isn’t ripe enough for ridicule, those of you who haven’t taken the time to read through the bios yet will be glad to know that she is far from the only contestant with an affection for our intelligent mammalian seafaring friends.  She’s marginally attractive and chose a flattering blouse color for her headshot. On the upside, you can’t spell “Alexis” without S.E.X. We’ll see how she does.  Maybe Nick can make her tread water while swimming backward before jumping through a firey ring.  

Angela here is a model who . . . you guessed it . . . likes dolphins.  When asked “What's your worst date memory,” Angela cites an incredibly awful time when “A guy put down the name as "Batman" while we waited for a table. So immature.”  

Immature?  Maybe.  Hilarious?  Absolutely.  Let’s hope, for her sake, that she has a sense of humor.  

Astrid.  She too is a lover of dolphins and doesn’t want to die old and alone.  That’s quite a revelation, Astrid.  I’m not sure I know anyone who wants to die old and alone, but thank you for sharing that with us.  I’m certain Nick will appreciate it.  The lowcut, skin tight shirt is very provocative; however, and if the old and alone comment doesn’t evoke the pathos you’re seeking, I’m certain your plunging neckline will gain Nick’s attention.  On second thought, she might be brilliant enough to realize the thought-provoking contradiction between the fresh, youthful exuberance depicted in her headshot and the gloomy picture she paints in her bio.  Maybe she did that on porpoise. 

Dolphin Joke #1.  You’re welcome. 

Briana.  Believe it or not, she also loves dolphins.  Perhaps that’s because, like a dolphin, she has no upper lip.  She dolphin-itely needs some collagen injections.  Dolphin Joke # 2.  You’re welcome again.  She has a confident and attractive head shot however.  If she can distinguish herself from the other dolphinophiles without getting sloppy drunk she may stick around a bit. 

Brittany probably loves dolphins but she definitely hates snakes.  We’ve gone from loving sea mammals to hating reptiles in a matter of seconds.  You think she could have Orca-strated a consistent response for the audience, but I don’t want to create a Fish-ue where none exists. (Dolphin Jokes #3, 4)  

She’s very attractive.  It appears that her naughty librarian glasses fell off of the Croakies she’s wearing around her neck.  For Nick’s sake let’s hope she’s not afraid of the Trouser Snake. 

Christen.  She’s the child of non-traditional name spellers who earns her living as a wedding videographer.  Strike one.  She either hates big weddings or—more likely—knows EXACTLY what she wants when it’s finally her turn to abuse the venue staff and A/V people at her own wedding.  Her biggest fear is “failure.”  Life suggestion for you Christen:  narrow your biggest fear to something less amorphous.  You’ll save yourself a great deal of disappointment.  Oh, and get one of those eponymous necklaces so you can point to it three times a day when you’re asked to spell your misspelled name.   

Corinne went with the overly broad and intentionally vague job description “business owner.”  I’m sure that, like Christen above, she’s also afraid of “failure.”  She wants to be Snow White.  Let’s hope that’s because she wants to dance cheerfully with dwarves and find her Prince Charming.  If Nick’s luck on this show is consistent; however, it will be because she likes to be imprisoned and  remain catatonic.  

Props on getting your entire bare sternum into the head shot, Corinne.  Nick's not usually a blonde guy if you look at the extremely well-established cross section of women he's run through on this show, but she may have potential.  As far as her career description is concerned, I wish she had been more Pacific.  (Dolphin Joke #5.  Yes, they are going to get worse). 

Danielle L. “Small business owner” who loves The Notebook.  No shit.  The Notebook is the "R,S,T,L,N,E" of the Reality Show.  Granted, none of these people (besides Nick) are old enough to remember when Wheel of Fortune didn't automatically give contestants those letters in light of the fact that everyone picked them by default, but it should just be a given that all of these contestants love The Notebook.  

When asked, "What is your favorite all-time book and why?" She answered, "The 5 Languages of Love! Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It's beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers)."  Good Lord.  Deplorable grammar aside, she's certainly one of the most attractive women based on the head shot, and props to the undoubtedly male photographer who suggested she "turn to the side a bit" during the shoot, but I could never bring myself to date a women whose favorite book of all time was a self-help book about relationships.  Let's hope Nabokov's Lolita ranks a close second on her list.     

Hey Nick, when a woman’s favorite book is a self-help book designed on educating men about why women feel unloved and how to fix it, it’s time to run.  Feel free to adhere to custom and sleep with her first.  Go get ‘em, Tiger. 

Danielle M.  Nurse who also loves The Notebook and would pick R,S,T,L,N,E on Wheel of Fortune if given the opportunity.  Unfortunately for Danielle M., the dead relative contestant whose life changed for the better is now a staple in the Bachelor Barn.  She'll be faced with whatever horrible tragedy caused his death  in her first one-on-one date with Nick.  She's attractive and is likely more mature than the rest of these dunces in light of the educational requirements for her career, the fact that it's a real job, and the fact that she's suffered from and (according to her) overcome a significant loss.  I'll give her a pass on that weird V string thing on her shirt. 

Dominique.  From the sublime to the ridiculous.  She's a “Restaurant Server," which means waitress outside of reality questionnaires.  If she could (serve?) lunch with three people alive or dead she would invite her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jesus – and would eat burritos from Chipotle.  This one definitely deserves a dolphin joke (#6).  Jesus and Leo DiCaprio at lunch eating burritos?  Why, that's the SEAL-iest thing I've ever heard.     Ok, so that's technically not a dolphin joke, but deal with it.  Nice smile.  We'll see if Nick can get past the lack of ambition.   

Elizabeth "Liz".   Her guiltiest pleasure is picking her nose while driving.  She considers golf boring and it angers her.  The juxtaposition of those two facts is astounding.  She's really attractive, though, and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has a decent sense of humor.  Well, at least I was going to to that until I read her response to "If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?"  Her answer?   "A grape so I would get better with age." 

Liz, old grapes either become raisins or they rot on the vine and stink.  Grapes are an ingredient in wine, which does get better with age.  Ok, so metaphors aren't her strong suit.  Hopefully, she'll show Nick what is.  Let's just hope they don't let her drive on their first date.    

Elizabeth.   "What is your greatest achievement to date? Not just one thing.  My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."  That's very millennial.  Even Nick will likely need more than that if he's going to keep her around after he sleeps with her.  

Read that again:  "My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."  Mine too, Elizabeth.  Mine too.  

There's an entire generation of her waiting to run things in less than a decade.  God help us.  

Hailey.  Her pose looks to be an attempt at seduction; however, it comes across as pensive.    Who is her favorite author? "Dr. Seuss – he was such an inventor. He said that when he couldn't think of a word to describe something, he'd just simply make it up."  

Apparently, Hailey also employs the same technique in her day to day life.  She doesn't understand the word "quit."  Then again, there are probably a lot of words that she doesn't understand.  She's probably baffled when she attempts to read anything that doesn't have short sentences ending in monosyllabic words that rhyme.  I'll give her a bit of a break.  She's  Canadian.  If her equivocal head shot is any indication, she'll be kicked OOT of the mansion in ABOOT one episode.

Ida Marie is from Harlingen.  That's deep deep deep in South Texas.   Her answers to her bio questions are an indication of the effectiveness of the Harlingen Independent School District's educational standards.  When asked, "What is your favorite all-time book and why," she answered, "I need to read more books."  She doubled down on that answer when asked "Who is your favorite author?"  Hell, even the Canadian can read Dr. Seuss.  On the up side, she thinks strawberries are “sexual.”  An illiterate who equates coitus with fruit.  She'll do well.  

Jaimi.  She's a chef who follows the ever popular "Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian" diet.  If Nick has any sense his first question will be, "does that include tubesteak?"  Incidentally, I challenge any of you reading this to find another place on the internet containing 7 dolphin puns and a trouser snake and tube steak reference.  Your chances of finding that are better than Jaimi making it past the cocktail party. 

Jasmine B.  "Who is your favorite author? Steve Harvey."  

Holy. 

Shit.    

Jasmine G.  Loves Olivia Pope from Scandal because "she's such a power woman."  Incidentally, Olivia Pope is the only competition that the dolphin has with respect to the admiration from this group of ladies.  It's interesting that her take on Olivia Pope is that she's "power woman."  She's reluctantly locked into a secret affair with the married President of the United States and is routinely manipulated and lied to by all of the men in her life who use her as little more than a sexual pawn, a patsy, and a surrogate to cover up felonies that would land any person in jail or on Death Row.  She's forced to deceive the only people who are loyal to her and almost always picks her own self interest over theirs.  She doesn't sound very "powerful" to me.  Details.  

She's pretty, though, and the spice-themed name should separate her from the pack--well except for the woman with the exact same name.  Wouldn't it be funny if Nick kept her around and then eliminated the other Jasmine and on their first date he told this Jasmine that he kept her around because he too loves Steve Harvey literature?    

Josephine.  She apparently escaped from the barn after enjoying a hearty bucket of oats.  Perhaps it's the angle of the picture.  Why the long face, Josephine?  I heard when they asked her to do a phone interview she had to decline.  She was a bit horse.  I love the Stevie Nicks dress she selected for the head shot photo.  

When asked, "If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be," she answered,  "Something disgusting so nobody eats me!"  I love it when I see someone's wish come true.  The good news is that she's likely happy she can now choose to use the Women's Restroom at Target is she wants to.   If she is transgender, perhaps he can Flipper (Dolphin Joke #7).

Alright, all of that is a bit harsh.  For the record, I'm certain she's lovely.  

Kristina.  In my opinion she has (by far) the most attractive headshot.  Nick needs to tap the brakes before driving off the Kristina cliff, however.  When asked, "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why,"  she answered,  "My biological mother. I'd like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it." 

Ouch.  Unfortunately, that sharp stick is likely to poke its way out of the leaf pile at some point in any relationship she enters.  Being abandoned as a child leads to all kinds of insecurity, control, and trust issues for the poor soul who was abandoned.  It speaks volumes that she chose that answer over all others knowing it would be made public.  Let's hope she's put that far enough behind her where she can give Nick a fair shot should he choose to date her rather than just bang her.  Let's at least hope she's in denial about her true feelings.    

Lacey looks like an anorexic Jennifer Anniston.  I mean that in a good way.  Nice smile, pleasant face AND she actually likes Shakespeare.  She has potential provided we ignore the outfit she has left over from her days as one of Madonna's background dancers.  Lacey, you're an adult now (barely).  Lose the prom dress.   

Lauren has sexy, supple shoulders and she wants us to know it.  She's a 30 year old "law school graduate," which means that she either failed the Bar Exam or hasn't taken it yet.  Having a law degree and not taking the bar is like owning the key to a Ferrari but not the actual Ferrari.  For her sake, I hope she gets off her ass, takes the exam, and passes.  

When asked, "If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where you would you go," she responded,  "State parks, like Grand Canyon or Utah."  First of all "Utah" is not a state park.  It is a state that contains five NATIONAL Parks.  Second, "Grand Canyon" is not a State Park.  It is a geological formation in a National Park located, in part, in the State of Arizona.  Now we see why she hasn't taken the bar.  Details are important in the practice of law.  Off the shoulder shirts won't win a trial.  

Lauren also loves rock formations.  While this happens to be an excellent opportunity for an anatomy joke, I'll pass in the name of consistency.  Here goes:  

Lauren also loves rock formations.  I assume she's especially fond of the ones that look like dolphins  . . . or Olivia Pope from Scandal. 

Michelle.  "If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why? I would take him kayaking because it's one of my favorite hobbies."  Perfect.  Nick should ignore everyone and go kayaking with her.  Great smile and great face.    

Olivia (the Bachelor contestant, not the one on Scandal).  She's from Alaska.  When asked why she didn't just stay in Alaska and marry an Eskimo she said she would have but she just wasn't that Innuit.  Boom.  Eskimo Pun.  

Do you know what you call the ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter?  Eskimo Pi.  I heard Olivia has a gay sister.  Apparently, she's from the Klondyke.  Alright, I have more Eskimo jokes but I think those are sufficiently insensitive to offend several persecuted groups.  For the record, Olivia is exotic and pretty and Alaska is freaking gorgeous.  In a room full of generic Jane's I, for one, would head over and talk to her.     

Rachel.  She’s an attorney from Dallas who wants us to know that she passed the Bar Exam on her first try.  News Flash, Rachel:  80% of people who take the Bar Exam pass on their first try.  

Unfortunately, my personal biases make it impossible to be either impressed by or interested in an attorney from Dallas.  Hopefully, Nick will feel differently.

Raven. Fashion Boutique Owner whose name actually suits her.  She looks like an Anglo Norah Jones and may be a possible top 3 if she's equally as intriguing as her name and appearance.  Nick is a brunette guy and she's a brunette.  She and Kristina are the only two that really jumped out at me.  He'll likely keep a blonde or two in the mix too for good measure.  

Once upon a Bachelor dreary, while drinking Lone Star, weak and weary, 

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore— 

    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 

As of Neil Lane gently rapping, rapping at the Fantasy Suite door. 

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door— 

            Quoth Chris Harrison and nothing more.” 

Sarah.  A headshot bubblier than a glass of champagne.  “What's the most romantic present you've ever received? A star named after me, just like in A Walk to Remember because I hadn't told him I liked that, he came up with it.” 

Bless her heart.  First of all, starnamer.net will allow anyone to name a star after anything for $14.95.  That's also known in most circles as "a rip off."  Second, of course the guy knew you liked A Walk to Remember.  It’s basically The Notebook with Shane West instead of Ryan Gosling.  

Ironically, Sarah is silent on her feelings about dolphins.  Given the headshot line up, it’s likely I would have picked her out above all of the others as a dolphin lover. 

Susannah.  Second best headshot in my opinion.  Apparently, Susannah likes tattoos.  She has an elephant on her back, presumably because she never forgets anything.  That could be bad news for Nick.   She has flowers on her side and bows on the backs of her ankles.  Getting tattooed is a high risk behavior.  She’s probably a lot of fun.

Taylor.   When asked, “who is your favorite clothes designer,” she answered, “Forever 21.”  Actually, that’s a retail store that sells clothes, Taylor, not the actual designer.    I find it ironic someone named “Taylor” didn’t get the fashion design question right.  Maybe she’s not cut out for it. 

Vanessa.   “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they're a staple item and can be found all year round.”  Nice smile and a creative answer that doesn’t contain the words “dolphin,” “The Notebook,” or “Olivia Pope.”  I like her.  However, Nick should be mindful that onions have a tendency to make the people handling them cry.  

Whitney.  Check out the Come Hither Stare.  I believe this is the look that the blank-behind-the-eyes Hailey was shooting for in her head shot.   When asked, “what's your biggest regret,” she answered,  “I don't live life with regrets!”  

Oh, Whitney, Whitney, Whitney.  I believe all of us older than 23 are laughing hysterically at that answer.  Just make sure the cameras and mics are off if you do decide to invite Nick over for a nightcap.  We'd all be horrified if we had to witness your very first regret.   

Well, there it is.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Observations?  For the record, I’m really looking forward to this season.  Sure, the country is split in two politically, but I think the Bachelor brings us all together.  It’s good to be back.  We’ll talk a bit closer to the premier on January 2.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year.  Be safe.  Be kind.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be mulling around the dolphin tank at Sea World while binge watching Scandal on Hulu. 

DP